If you appreciate Achewood, please support Chris Onstad (shop; gallery art.)
Karmic Cycle. Monday, August 31, 2009 • read strip Viewing 711 comments:

A comment left by possums was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by jeffreyquah, hurfdurf, gonchoriffic)

your entire family is crying right now

that eagle is weeping tears of joy for the sight of this wonderful contraption. as am I

'Round and 'round the wheel goes. What Beef will become, nobody knows!

Beef will come back as a drum machine that cannot be operated without the manual .

and then the strip will restart from the beginning a la "For Better Or Worse?"

FUCK THAT

Only if we are all Unfortunate Beings about to have out anger wheels cranked to the mammajamma. Set eye-lasers on Kill All Suck.

A comment left by ennuid was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by streever, fatbackbuckets, deovalente, Quiet_Drops)

But it would make sense how the wheel of anger is destructive to the whole process.

Not so much 'destructive' as 'fouling.' There are a similar set of gears at the bottom right as well, so it looks like the largest wheel was never intended to turn.

I don't expect you to turn, Mr. Gear. I expect you to die.

A comment left by irien was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by goocifer, LordPretzel, Mizzip)

Goddamn assetbar and its insatiable hunger for plus signs! I should know better.

you could think that, but you'd be wrong.

daidai, a blank comment, if you please.

(i know you did it last comic, but humor a man.)


oh shit teller is doing it solo!

you tyrant.

cpnglxynchos, I'm sorry but I'm ignoring you. kinda sucks to have to do that because you're such a prolific poster and kinda cool, but your avatar is fucking annoying right now. If I wanted to watch TV, I'd own a TV.

i understand.
i will just have THIS guy as my avi.
..until i turn it back to the Beef timewarp where you can ignore me again.

we cool?

you get a chubby for this avatar

I've never been able to work out exactly what it is. Looks like [Solid] Snake on Me .

chubby for referencing my favorite video game series ever. (except i haven't played 4 yet. what, do i look like a hipster piece of shit that would own a PS3..?)

amway, from what you did with Snake's name, it seems that you actually do know, but on the off-chance you really don't (and for others playing at home,) it's the bad guy from A-Ha's video for Take On Me .

oh, yeah?
where?

Doesn't F4 turn off the animations?

maybe. I know in firefox the escape key stops the animations. but reloading the page turns them back on. it gets tedious.

I hope you can appreciate his new avatar at least

if I can't, will you beat me up with a pipe wrench?

yes



But... you're not daidai.

Unlike me.

and yet, it is you who will die, daidai.

Because I don't believe in too much of a good thing.

"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, daidai, I expect you to die...die"

[IMGS OFF]

in a strange bit of foreshadowing...

Dammit, I meant to reply to this thread here, but somehow it was posted at the end of the thread. Drat and fie!

Hey, it worked for Claris Works, why should it stop Onstad? https://bit.ly/fX2iw

In both such sets on gears at least one is not fully engaged. On the one coming off of the drive mechanism the disengaged gear is with the large wheel. This suggests a mechanism used before clutch plates is in use, wherein a pair of gears were mounted on a center pivot cantilever beam and so by pivoting that beam the gears could be alternately engaged to select forward or reverse, making the entire master wheel reversible. With anger the small gears are the ones not fully engaged, which means that when they slip they wear their own teeth, not those of the master gear, but in doing so they slow it down.

Chris Onstad: Yeah uh... what that guy said.

They could also be used for ratcheting - as long as the small gears are on a free arm they'll only block rotation in one direction.

y'all some engineers

awesome avatar/comment synergy there bro

Mostly, but he didn't insult them enough.

So anger is associated with grinding teeth?

That's about the size of it.

That's what she said!

Granularsilica, you always tell that one. There are other jokes you could be making. For example, there's the hilarious one your mother told me last night. We had a lovely evening.

Hard to resist ... running gag ... getting old, like me. Glad mom is still getting it on.

Must be weird trying to post on asset bar with your dad here.

roast beef's arrows are pointed toward END______T on the outer ring. any crossword puzzle experts want to take a stab at what that word's supposed to be?

Endearment

No, I think you're looking at it wrong. Each wheel has an arrow on it that is indicating a marker on the back thinger. On the set of outer markers that you're referring to, the wheel indicates "Virtue". The arrow that's pointing towards the unknown word is indicating "Introspective/Self-Obsessed" on the inner wheel.

...'thinger'?

what the hell are you, Winamp?

Igor.

"Lotht another one, thur? No worrieth, I've almotht got more than I know what to do with. Now where did I leave that thewing kit...?"

Now that I know some actual anatomical terms:

themithpinalith

ENDOWMENT. Truly, I'm surprised you didn't get that, Dr. Manflesh.

A Freudian slip? Indicating [i]lack[/] of said "endowment"?

you are not endowed with BBcode abilities

My first BB-code self-fuck in a long time.

I'm sorry I had to give you a lame for that. You don't go hatin' on Manflesh.

He has people for that already.

God damn it I was too friendly when I was younger & now I can't appreciate you with what you deserve.

i wish this was like Flash, where you could deconstruct the thing and find out what was written.

"Awesome!" A Blog.

i guess this is the wheel of samsara?...what are those tennis balls doing there?

Looks a bit like an alethiometer.

The Achewood machine looks... different.

[IMGS OFF]

yep.

yes that is the machine i was talking about.

that is exactly the picture he needed.

It's half Achewood Machine, half Pee-Wee Herman breakfast machine . 1:10 onwards, rated "I" for "Immature"

It looks like Beef is being shoved into the machine head first (his feet are visible above) and, after being processed by the machine, emerges as a bunch of tennis balls. Tennis balls are indeed very unfortunate beings. Roast Beef has been turned into tennis balls.

that... that actually sounds like something that plausibly could and would happen to Beef...

no. the balls were thrown in first, to make sure the timing was right and the gears were running properly. the towel is there to catch roast beefs 'drippings'.

Well done.

They are baseballs.

yeah, it definitely looks like it!! though there are 8 items where the 12 nidanas are supposed to go, and no big scary guy on top. but close.

[IMGS OFF]

those are not baseballs.

Rollin'.

Three deep it would appear.

The primary byproduct of karma is baseballs.

ambiguous baseballs.

inlgourious bayseballs

Tennis balls. Life is a racket, and karma draws the strings.

chubbied

do we have to tell him we chubbied him? if so, chubbied.

of course we got to tell him did you just roll in here

No one ever tells me when they chubby me. They just chubby in anonymous silence and slink away.

I'm left feeling both violated and sated.

that means you did it right.

I would chubby you so hard had I any left. And then not tell you about it.

Did you see minority report?

They had to burn the names of people killing or dying onto wooden balls for some reaosn, same gettup?

each wooden ball was completely unique, making it impossible to fake the results, I think...

can't see that being a problem with Karma. Maybe God just likes tennis?

It appears to be the favored place of a dog.

The Vicar of Nibbleswicke strikes again.

Karma's a bitch.

Dogma?

A comment left by wazza was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by streever, usversusthem, Irien)

it has lost its funny-ness since i first heard it.

and that is lame.

My dogma has leapt up and buried it's wet, slobbering head in your crotch.

My dogma enjoys the taste of peanut butter immensely

saltines plus peanut butter plus roof of dog's mouth: instant comedy.

It seems to me like you are trying to give your dog the diabeticals.

no, he died of kidney failure a few years ago.

I'm sorry :(

no, see, you apologize after you :(

(don't be sorry. i didn't have emotional attachment or whatever to the thing. we only had it for a small number of years..like maybe three..? or two? very few years is the main point here, so, yeah, whatev. it was there, and then it died.)

Ruger, you're just like me.

imagine the furor the ELF had when they enacted that shay.

did YOU see Minority Report?
why come?

Young and folish.

Old and foolish now.

Confidentially?

Expressly .

been there. i had to see it in my sci-fi/fantasy class back in high school.

Baseballs, the byproduct of souls. Oh thankyou Onstad for reminding me of Kevin Costner and Field of Dreams. Fuckyouverymuch.

Foul balls?

I assumed they were like the tennis balls from Poltergeist . They just need magic marker numebrs on them. Throwing them into the karma machine to see if they come back out the other side. Towel so the ectoplasm doesn't make you lose your cleaning deposit.

that frood knows where his towel's at.

I like how the outer gear is anger, it's all of the inner wheels together that fuel the outer anger.

Actually, I thought it was the outer anger that fuels the inner gears and, thus, karma. But then I'm a lover, not an engineer, so I'm terrible with schematics.

It would appear that Onstad might try the same excuse.

Can a man not be both?

Well, I'm a love engineer... chugga chugga chugga wooo wooo chugga chugga chugga...

Roast Beef is Virtuous but Scruffy, is Self-Obsessed and has been Wounded by God with the Lash of Thanatos?

In the billiard room?

Wounded by God, in the billiard room, with circumstances.

A comment left by choco was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by pigeonthunk, gournal, prettyrad, Comrade_Tom)

No and that's hilarious because my uber-christian boyfriend from like freshman year of high school made it for me. That relationship ended when he told me getting a divorce sends people to hell and my mom's been divorced three times. My husband tells me I'm a lesbian when I drink, though, but he hasn't given me any proof to support that. (I had a Questionable Content avatar before but was instructed to change it. I'll have to find something awesomer/newer)

Supporting the dykish comment I thought it was some sort of newer version of Velma.

...

God I hate Scooby-Doo so fucking much.

In real life I am some horrible love child between Velma and Mr. Magoo on the account of my eye sight.

I'm pretty sure there's 34 of that somewhere.

tmi

Does this mean no hot, hot lesbian sex on Assetbar?

:'(

We need a party song. A fundamental jam.

Something by Melissa Ethelridge?

I was thinking more along the lines of the NY Dolls or such myself.

tli

You just missed out on your chance to try it.

At first, I thought you were saying your husband gets upset with you when you drink and calls you a lesbian in retaliation. This picture of marital discord rendered me unable to get up from the park bench where I'm loitering like some kind of creeper.

Our marital discord includes us calling each other "Gross" and "Grodie" in the super market at 11pm over soy milk and it scaring the cognitive delayed employees into telling my husband, "Let's just be nice to the lady, okay? We don't want any trouble."

The hand pointing to wounded by God doesn't appear to have finished moving yet. The other bits do seem the most Beef-like of the options available though.

If it does stop on Wounded by God does that make CH God?

Not necessarilly. Beef having the lash in the first place (and/or his depression) could be considered the wound from God.

Although with Beef it could easilly stop on all the segments of that part of the wheel.

This makes me want to see other Achewood character's karma wheels. Like Nice Pete would have Danger and Violence.

Charm and arrogance for Ray?

But what about Popular and Ignorant? See below.

Todd is both popular and ignorant.

Phillipe is Hello and Yes!

it's hi.... fuck

No, that's more like Todd:

High <==> Fuck!

That is a most intriguing concept, especially since some characters are much easier to pin down than others.
Whereas Lie Bot is more than obvious, but how would you limit Ray to just one? And Philippe? Five is not even an option so I would not dare to wager a guess.

I assumed this was supposed to be a sort of universal karma engine - Beef doesn't fall under "Sociable" and "Invasive". We all gets fed through the same hopper sooner or later.

I am just now noticing how there are pointers on each side of that particular circle, and while the outer words can be seen as positive, the inner words are decidedly not. I kinda assumed it was pointing to both since the words in each pairing kinda mean the same thing, but now I can tell there is a difference. For Beef, it points to Scruff (but not Filth!) and Self-Obsessed.
This would then make Ray both Charm and Ignorant, answering my earlier question, and Nice Pete might be Sociable and Violence.
Still not touching Philippe though.

You can't touch Phillipe. He is five.

Correct, but what does this have to do with these cry cry axes from the North?

Belgand: HE GETS THINGS DONE.

I have noticed the conspicuous absence of memes on this strip. Perhaps I was successful in inoculating against them.

Speaking of which, whatever happened to IWannaCum? Did he finally achieve his desire and no longer have any need for us?

Correct.

Instructed by this strip, he became mindful that desire is the source of need, and thus of suffering. Only by letting go of his desire to cum can iwannacum achieve release.

What happened to thegoblins and her wee furry pussy? Is there some rule that only one female can post on any given strip?

Miaow!

What gives?

Sowwy!

Ooohhh... CATFIGHT!

I've been busy and thus only replying to stuff in my inbox when I'm truly unable to study any longer.

And I've been stuffing her inbox to keep her busy.

I'm too busy to cum. But I wanna.

if thats a rule, im leaving. this party is too much of a sausagefest, as it is.

Skwisgaar: This is a complete and total, you know, sausage festival.
Toki: I love sausage festival!
Skwisgaar: What?
Toki: Like in Vienna.
Skwisgaar: No - no, Toki, that was a sausage festival.
Toki: Yeah, that was good.
Skwisgaar: Yeah. It was the Vienna pork saus - um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what intoside of them.
Toki: The sausage?
Skwisgaar: [short pause] Yeah.

Ouch man, Ouch.

And for the record -- I have returned.

rad.

i always wonder how he can /still/ be five...

"Take this one in. She's a menace to the system"

i always wonder how new people can still enjoy achewood without suspending thier sense of reality.

Sure you can. It just makes you a very bad person, since your implication is Philippe is being touched that way.

Beef was Wounded by God in the form of being from Circumstances.

I believe Cicrumstances would be Wounded by Parents

Wounded by God can also be thought of as a mix of all the previous forms of wounding: wounded by parents, others, and self all at once.

I thought wounded by god was him dying. you know, the final wound?

Ultimate!YES!

I think the exclamation you are seeking is "Zounds!"

You sure about that,belgand?
looks kinda funny to me.

To me it looks like it's a contraction from the older phrase "God's wounds".

If you can't handle somewhat obscure linguistic jokes... eehhh.. is this really the right place for you?

I'm starting to think it's not.

Damn obscure references.

So obscure it was in a Simpson's episode. Pfft. Lightweight.

which episode? now I'm offended that i didn't get it.

Real sorry about the double post, but are you sure that the Simpsons had a joke about 'a contraction from the older phrase "God's wounds"'?

It just dawned on me that i look like i didn't know what "zounds!" was. even though i was just quoting ray's reply to pat in the sammiches ordeal. sure it was lame to do that but i needed sleep badly .

"Zounds!" is an incredibly common exclamation and you should seek professional treatment if you're not familiar with it.

I will back Octafish that while it is somewhat lesser known that it actually means "God's wounds" that was specifically mentioned on the Simpsons by Flanders in "Lisa's Wedding". At the Springfield Renaissance Faire he uses it while dueling Smithers ("Zounds, I did thee mightily smitily!")and then proceeds to instruct the crowd on it's meaning.

I may not have much in the way of moral fiber, but I do know a hell of a lot about the Simpsons, which is an adequate substitute.

I wonder how long you can keep this chain going of making a new reference while explaining the previous one.

Well, I could try that, but I have a strong feeling that if I did something so calculated and crass I'd be pretty likely to have my dick ripped off.

I am familiar with the word, just not the fact that it meant god's wounds. I am ashamed of not remembering Flanders bit but i think i've heard prof frink say it once... which is comforting to me seeing that i'm rapidly losing what's left of my 'Simpsons fan' cred or whatever and that might help.

Anyway, i got out of this with an interesting piece of trivia and a Simpsons episode to re-watch. I like to think I'm a better man for it.

Also, never answer a Simpsons reference with an obscure Achewood reference.

Poor Beef's had an accident... and so may you all.

That book was such a chilling time when I was seventeen.

It needn't stop...Roast Beef has been wounded by all.

But is it what karma has in store for him, or a description of what his current (or former) life was? I read the wheel as the former.
I read a twist of fate, and Roast Beef coming back as Roast Beef. The circle of life is him.

I would have thought that the dial would have been between wounded by God and wounded by self since Beef pretty much offed himself. He KNEW from the book that there was a way to save himself but instead he just took the drink.

Self-Obsessed TOTALLY makes sense. The poor bastard had an awful life but he was as selfish as fuck, unfortunately, at least with Molly.

Those were merely a artifact of a rightfully anxious mind. Perish the thought!

Eh, he wasn't that awful of a husband, dude.

He kinda was. He can always find a way to be there for his doggs, and yet he's been all kinds of dick to his wife. All kinds.

Comments to come, along with neck ache.

What the hell is poking out of the top left hand corner of that thing, duck feet? You put in ducks and baseballs come out?

pretty sure that's intended to be roast beef.

If that's beef that thing is HUGE.

It's an allegory of something huge

dude you are talking about the afterlife, the journey through heaven & hell, the measure of one's soul. Yea, I hope it's bigger than one small cat.

Or Dodos.

That would be typical of CH. A strange machine powered by the corpses of an extinct bird.

In fact he probably engineered the extinction of the species just so he could power this thing... DAMN YOU CARTILLIGE HEAD. DAMN YOOOOOOOOOOU...

I don't think this is an artifact produced by Cartilage Head. I think this whole thing is some sort of allegorical woodcut.

A comment left by edd36 was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by mordent, static, ANDERSMN)

Well spotted, however the artwork does make spacial sense if you assume that the geared contraption does not run parallel to the wall, but rather at a slight angle to it. Furthermore the giant karmic woodchipper has no reason to consider itself bound by the rules of perspective in any case

Come to think of it the only explanation necessary is that the laws of perspective have surely been flouted deliberately here, simply for effect. A famous example of such irreverence would be the work of one Vincnet van Gogh...
[IMGS OFF]

Does that guy do a webcomic?

Yes.

He also has a video game, named Braid. It's pretty good.

I would chubby you had I not already been indiscriminate

Just ask Soulja Boy.

[[dryheave]]

Ain't no point to the game.

that deserves a chubby. Alas, I have already been too friendly.

I chubbied them on your behalf, friendly

It is a huge contraption of gears into which a dude is fed to determine such as the karmic portents of his freshly expired life and you take fault with perspective

Jesus edd36 we got the chessboard out but you playin' Whac-A-Mole

You are replying to the same fellow who thought it was "big". Take the same sentence you wrote & replace "perspective" with "big" and we can criticize Edd36 a second time with minimal effort.

(Nice reference! Alas I am out of chubbies)

Perhaps he has confused the Karmic Cycle with the Total Perspective Vortex. It's an honest mistake, but the complete absence of fairy cake should have been a giveaway.

I rather wish Douglas Adams had actually written the point of view gun (whatever it's called) into the first novel rather than having it as an idea that got incorporated into the film. The film WOULD take such a potentially marvelous idea and turn it into a hackneyed romantic comedy moment.

Uh, the Total Perspective Vortex was an actual device in The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe. You knew that, right?If you didn't know that then I'm not attracted to you anymore. And no-one wants that.

I knew that, of course. I meant, well, there's this gun in the film. You shoot it at people. It makes them see your point of view. But it doesn't work on women, obviously, because they can already see other people's points of view.

Apparently this was actually Adams' idea. He just never got to put it in a book.

Does it take tokens or quarters?

Anyone out there that remembers the picture round from A Question Of Sport has a distinct advantage right now.

I read otocephaly as octocephaly and thought Onstad had listed the Octomom and her children as one of the greatest afflictions known to mankind.
Then I googled octocephaly and figured it probably meant 8-headed. So being an Octo-child is still a curse, but not in the way I initially figured.

You've spelt it with too many c's. It's otocephaly, not octocephaly. It means being born without a jaw.

It being upsidedown I did however read it the way you did originally, it's an easy mistake.

maybe if you've got only one head. this is merely another case in which the radially-centered octocephalites have the advantage.

Tell me about it...

Hmmm Gypsy on a wheel containing The Lash, Otocephaly and Harelip. I'd say Onstad was walking a dangerous line there but the line appears to have been stolen by a bunch of persons of nomadic habit of life...

The thick dark line in that segment and the movement of the hand would seem to imply that "Lash of Thanatos" and "Wounded by God" are the worst possible afflictions for their respective wheels.

As many have stated already Beef cannot become any more unfortunate of a being.

I'm still not happy that this appears to have been real. I was still solidly in the camp that this was an elaborate performance and not of any actual danger to Beef in any way. The Lash itself having been an arranged and crucial part of the work itself.

It also kinda feels like Onstad is stalling with this a bit while he works out exactly where he's going to go. I noticed the last few strips have been a tad slower than necessary, not just to build anticipation, but also to seemingly buy him some time.

No, I think the line symbolizes the end of their respective cycles. As the Lash ends in your demise, so too would an injury from God be somewhat more severe than the other items on its circle.

Or it's true and it becomes a Let's Save Roast Beef the Cat scenario. With help from the ol' skull-piercing manual.

I assume you mean the manual that actually pierced Ray's skull and not The Joys of Trepanation

Yeah, that one, exactly .

That was exactly what I meant. On the two innermost wheels Beef has been determined to be suffering from the two most afflicting conditions.

I think drawing massive circles is a pain in the ass in approximately every program, and putting little tick marks around them is even worse.

I agree. I think the execution of this monstrous thing was the cause of the dilly-dallying belgand has noted.

wat

A comment left by theirateturk was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by nice-on-water, Kotoku, Comrade_Tom)

An entire basketball team could climb in there, possibly.

That's just the way you torque, turk.

I was discussing this with a friend the other night, but is it likely that the average consumer power drill would have enough torque to twist someone's nipple off if it was locked firmly into the chuck?

I believe so, if the person was able to deal with the excruciating pain. I don't believe it would twist off right away, but kind of tense and then tear off. Just sayin'.

The human body is pretty resilient. I imagine a good ten to twenty minutes of painful twisting before the torturer gets annoyed and cuts it off.

I think the biggest concern is that a clutch might prevent the drill from turning when it encounters significant resistance. Not to mention the problem of the nipple being able to be held firmly enough in the chuck without slipping or just getting shredded before it can actually be torn off.

I think it would largely depend on your definition of what constitutes the nipple and what it means to tear it off. If you just mean the outermost layers of skin, and you're not particularly concerned whether or not the entire areola comes with, I'd expect a decent quality drill could get it done. If you mean complete removal of the nipple such that it would not heal back into a reasonable approximation of its original state, that might take something industrial with a hell of a secure chuck.

I think the definition of what a nipple is has been pretty undisputed in most scientific circles and to challenge that would be pretty uncouth and, my guess, unappreciated by those circles, and when said nipple is torn off it leaves no one arguing over whether it's officially "torn off" or not. However, since we're all pretty familiar with nipples, I think we'd all be in agreement that if the nipple is ripped off, you can expect most of if not all of the areola to come with it.

Also, we all started these off with "I think."

We all have us some nipples.

In his capacity as an official witchfinder Belgand is charged and authorized to inquire into precisely how many nipples you (and, for that matter, all Assetbarbarians) have.

Just finished re-reading it the other day.

Bits of her kept appearing and disappearing, like a conjurer's hands; Belgand kept trying to count her nipples and failing, although he didn't mind.

Statistically, 2.2. Lots of people have supernumeraries.


"New, Nabisco Tits!"

You can't have

just

one

"Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!"

Crummy*

Goblins, I didn't even recognize you.

You were cuter the other way . . .


:(

Fine. But I get odd horny people saying things this way :(.

You got even odder people saying horny things when you were a kitten.

Which is pretty un-odd for the internet.

Assetbar is basically a language lab where geeks toil to work out exciting new ways for people to say horny things at each other.

Sex-P?

"We've been working on this one for a few months now, we're pretty proud of it. It's still in the beta stage but we have high hopes. Hope you gentlemen enjoy it..."

::odd Achewood Machine-esque contraption clanks and whirrs, dispenses card::

"I like to marry things I find. I'm glad I found your moist love crack. ;) "

awww, the winkie really sells it. If I received this by way of a proposal, I can't imagine not saying yes.

Horny Thing To Say At Each Other #12137, Moist Love Crack
Status: Approved

B)

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SQUIRT-PIPE

BEEP

Motherfucking yikes .

Pretty creepy, no?

You can say THAT again.

Like <snap> that!
It happens all the time at jobsites. It is the ultimate good old boy titty-twister joke.

I write Torque , Belgand reads Torquemada .

Torquemada you?

torquemada, babe, are you feelin' blue?

Man, I tried to Torquemada holding the Grand Inquisition. He's such a Tomas.

what do you say?

I just got back from the auto da fa!

(We have to do this)

Fe*

Auto de fe, what's an auto de fe?

It's what ya oughtn'ta do but you do anyway!

This has probably been said, but I want to say it again: This is seriously the first time since the GOF where I've been (figuratively) holding my breath for the next Achewood installment, checking my RSS aggregator out of anticipation more than boredom, hardly being able to bear the wait for the "next strip over the weekend."

Also, I just noticed Beef's feet. Holy shit.

I aggree. I know some people aren't down with it, but I'm excited everytime something new appears. You don't have to call him a genius, but Chris has got a great imagination peoples, admit it.

I admit it.

It's the first step toward overcoming your problem.

I wasn't around for the GOF but nothing since that has caught my attention like this. Except maybe Philippe at the Transfer Station.

Karma.

So... back to contraptions from Hyderabad, then?

A comment left by odog was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by tthug, Stonecrab, streever)

I don't think you were trying to be funny.

You'd think that God would keep up to date with all the latest technology and have at least bought a computer to deal with this sort of admin work by now.

God is Amish.

Even the Amish are moving up these days. The local farm uses bluetooth headsets and vans. (I think they might even have phones to go with their headsets!)

The Amish mindset, so far as I understand, isn't that technology is evil, but that relying on your neighbors and community is important and technology should not be used that would impair that or cause one to become prideful and stand out.

Different communities have different opinions, but I'm told that cell phones have become somewhat common. In some cases having communal ones or that are kept out in a shed or such.

In a way I have mad respect for the Amish above all other religious folk. They're seriously committing to their beliefs and in doing so they're not forcing them upon or causing any trouble for anyone else. I mean, yeah, there are the inevitable problems that come from having kids, but overall they seem to be doing religion in the best way.

they also let their kids go out into the world for a year to do whatever they want, no questions asked, which sort of covers some of the problems of having kids... of course, they disown them if they decide not to be Amish, but at least they give the choice.

True, but by that time the damage would likely already be done. Raising children without indoctrinating them is a tricky business and when you've got something kinda hardcore like this I can't help but really worry about that.

Though the all-time best seller in that category is undoubtedly Christian Science.

I like that Amish kids get a chance to go into the outside world and a choice to stay there. God knows I never got one. Now I'm just fucked up in the head.

Ah yes, but they're deliberately left unprepared for how fucking crazy the real world is, the idea being that they'll be scared shitless and not even consider staying there.

Last time I was down in Lancaster, PA, which is around ten years I think, I saw a Mennonite lady driving a pick-up. It was odd.

I urge everyone to look up a bbc documentary called "Trouble in Amish Paradise", It's about several Amish Non-conformists struggling against the theocratic elders in their community, its a pretty fascinating study of the tensions within the community and a worrying look at how much power Amish Bishops have over their congregations.

I urge everyone else to read Chuck Palahniuk's "Survivor" which explicitly states it isn't about the Amish, but is still rather good.

Heathen! Blasphemy!

GOD IS STEAMPUNK!!!

(at least, I would gladly worship Agatha Heterodyne)

Yeah, but who would he buy it from? He'd go into PC World and they'd be all, "Why do you need a computer? You're God." And he'd be all, "Oh yes, of course" and wander out, looking embarrassed, no closer to solving his admin problems.

honestly that's cute

[IMGS OFF]

What does God need with a MacBook?

This is more up to date than a scale with your heart weighed with a feather. God's updating with karmic principles!

Roast Beef is now viewing his previous life.
This happened to me when I almost drowned, aged 11.


(Apologies in advance for the large-screen.)

[IMGS OFF]

It's true. Almost every time I have gotten laid I had consumed cheese or, at the very least, some sort of cultured dairy product within the past hour.

I've got some four year aged cheddar in the fridge that I'm planning on breaking out tonight to induce mad kink.

Girls love it best when you eat cheese during sex.

if I had a cunt I would certainly try to culture cheese product in it at least once.

D...Dad?

No. No you wouldn't.

I actually just read yesterday about "human-incubated yogurt" , but apparently you don't insert it anywhere. You just cuddle up to a jar of it at night.

Still, we don't need a "Food Sex" zine. Plus, the guy publishing it and selling them the other day looks like the douchiest sort of hipster.

You don't have to try , it just happens naturally.

ewwwww

I kind of wish some one would take that panel of Teodor saying "...Six times?" and edit it to say "...Four years?"

Then why don't you, fineoakstructure?

Man, YOU know I ain't got a place to host photos on the internet! We TALKED about this!

That would be incorrect though. We've got five years. But, regardless, because you requested it:

[IMGS OFF]

No more for now, my brain hurts a lot.

Thank you. But maybe there should be cheese on the table instead of the Diamond Juice...

I was working on a brief little strip for it, but things didn't come together and, well, I had to assemble this working with MS Paint and IrfanView so maybe someone with better chops can get on that.

What a surprise. That's all we've got?

Oh hell how did I miss that you'd already made that reference. Chubb'd.

Another wheel for us to obsess over. Weee!

i love chris's design work

At 1:30 we have a situation known as those gears can't possibly turn.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every step you take
Those gears will turn for you.


Actually you're all making a possibly incorrect assumption that all these cogs are on the same plane of depth. Clearly perspective isn't to be trusted here, and we're looking at all of them head on anyway. It's entirely possible that the smallest cogs turn BEHIND the largest one (and the medium ones have significantly more depth than the largest one). Those gears can potentially turn, but you can't tell for sure unless you look at the thing sideways.

I don't know edd36, the fact that the gear nubbins are all fit together perfectly is pretty compelling evidence that they are in the same plane.

Actually we're looking at this all wrong: stuff connected to CH has no relation to normal physics or engineering.

Okay, that is fair. I am glad we have found common ground.

Do you also get mad at a picture of a box because you can't open it?

No, because if the box was real, I could open it (probably). If this set of gears was real, they would still not be able to turn.

You've made me sad 3 times today. (When you made that earlier comment--when you found common ground--and now)

Sorry. I'm sorry streever, for making you sad three (3!) times. Does this chubby make you feel better?

A little. Thanks for cheering me up.

The cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice make me sad.

Three-cocking a stranger 'ere cockcrow is certain death for a playa in this town.

I didn't understand a word of that but I'm going to chubby it anyway

also, cocks

Hlagh!

"Horrible. He had twenty-thousand cocks, like some sort of beast from the book of Revelations, and they were all pointed at me. Will not be seeing this monstrous apparition in my dreams again."

I try, but often fail

My setup was kinda hella lame on this one, but that's life.

"Horrible. He had twenty-thousand cocks, like some sort of beast from the book of Revelations, and they were all pointed at me. Will not be seeing this monstrous apparition in my dreams again."

I try, but often fail

"Horrible. He had twenty-thousand cocks, like some sort of beast from the book of Revelations, and they were all pointed at me. Will not be seeing this monstrous apparition in my dreams again."

I try, but often fail

Such an awful mental image, we had to have it inflicted upon us three times.

The Cog on the left seems to make no difference to the contraption at all. Unless it's involved in getting Beef "through" the machine. Damn and/or Oooohhhh Shiiiit.

i think it's involved with another cog making that darker inner one spin.

or i could have missed the operator of it. *shrug*

A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by streever, Comrade_Tom, QuietWyatt)

You know how to spell better than this.

Whoa, where have you been?

A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by streever, Hexjumper, QuietWyatt)

I know you like I know the bible.

Biblically?

Mostly through Hotel rooms?

A little bit of "both of the above" and a lot of "I plead the 5th sir"

And a hearty
[IMGS OFF]
to you too.

Jeez, Glad is such a wuss.(no offence, G)

this sounds like music i'd listen to.

thanks, Glad.

(ps gladdi, haddi lake birdbath. eben tho it sooldns it one't so happy. no, habib irday amways.)

you know Habib?

did he let you microwave a slim jim?

yes, but in a way that's hard to care about.

Hi, glad. M sry yr brsday wznogood irl. Wez all gone thru bad patchz b4, an you will bfn in longrun. {{hug}}

God, I'm such a girl. :<

girls are rad, so you dont have to apologize.

HUGS to you too then! :))

hugs from the intranetz?! my favorite!!!

In Soviet Russia, internet hugs Y...uh...you hug intern...shit, that doesn't work.

You're hugging a website but whatever. No cookies for you.

Aside from the reference (yes I know what meant and where it came from but bear with me for a sec), wouldn't cookies be the main thing to expect from being intimate with a website? That and maybe some sort of virus.

Only if you're getting intimate with a slutty website.

Hah, this website is too easy. I only had to click on it and it began to entertain me moderately!

thx chick link me ur twitter

me

u've not twwote how com?

is that you Glad? Joseph Anthony Tony Rosales (Harrisburg, PA)

sorry to hear you have bad time Glad but don't worry you are kinda smart and the world is kinda dumb so you will be kinda all right

i m not joe dat is not ma twweoteler

Considering Mr. J.A.T. Rosales' Twitter name is "greenkoolayd" and there is a non-glad poster here named "greenkoolayd" you might put two and two together and realize Mr. Rosales is not glad.

Or, you might not.

Oh, like people can't have two accounts?

The heresy!

I have like a hundred.

Also known as the "global ignore list"

heh heh oh yeah I forgot about that.

indeed. i am only one person with one assetbar account.

you are just a poor boy

nothing really matters to him?

Nihilists! Fuck me... I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

nobody loves him?

hang on, we haven't yet established that he's from a poor family...

But we do know that his story's seldom told.

tell the truth, thegoblins: Which do you think would win in a fight, Simon and Garfunkel or Queen?

All of Queen, or just Freddie and Brian?

I was going to say, uneven numbers. But even if we're just talking Freddie and Brian, I think they'd dominate.

I've got naught to say.

o, shame

What's your Twitter name, glad?

yeah. cough it up.

Glad, happy days will come again! My last birthday was kind of lame as well. Facts about me: I drink about four cups of coffee a day.

I drink about four cups of tea a day.

Hot beverage FIGHT!

Oh, I love the tea, I just need the kick of coffee when I am Working.

It's possible to brew really strong tea, then cut it with soy milk and Splenda.

Sir, your tea preferences are weaksauce. Real milk and no sweetener. Come on now.

*Russian Accent* Tea, please.
In a glass, with lemon, right?
*Surprised Russian Accent* Yes.
Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago.

Yup, they drank tea from a glass. Lack of cups from Socialist Plant Number 83, I guess. If you watch Flight of the Concordes, you know how one cup can upset everything.

You're both weak. Brewed strong and cut with nothing. If it doesn't strip my enamel you're doing it wrong.

I like to do this a lot. I just put in the milk because my mother won't drink it otherwise.

Facts about me: very laid-back until I get involved in a trivia contest. I could live solely on a diet of cold cereal, cheeseburgers, corn chowder, beef stroganoff (on egg noodles, please), mushroom/onion/green pepper omelettes, and fruit & yogurt smoothies. I have two Chihuahuas who are sweet and adorable. I am a technical writer but trying to transition to e-learning design and development. DONE!

technical writer, eh? sound mind-numbing. i attend a technical school and i just took an instructional design course this summer. i would not like to do what you do for a living.

I, however would like to do what you are doing.
I got trapped in a "gotta get a job"-job in Advertising out of College.
Now it's 10 years later, and I haven't a clue how to get into the field.
Sorry College!

I stayed in advertising way too long. Make plans to save your creative soul today!

also, your food choices are excellent. if you are average or better at baking bread, you could probably skip the application process and go straight to the interview phase of "bearer-of-my-children-to-be".

I have never baked bread! ooooohhhh SHIIIIIIIT!

oooooof.

No babies for you!

You should try making some bread or pizza dough some time. It's fun and not at all difficult.

im fully capable for making baked goods/goodies for myself when i have the hankering, but its different when a lady makes them for a fellow. its like, you can open your own car door and you dont need some dudes upper arm to hold while youre strolling through the park on a crisp autumn afternoon, but its nice and special, right?

This was just a general suggestion thrown out at the world. World, you should mess with more yeast!

I have other warm, yeasty treats to offer my fellow. (god that just sounds disgusting)

it does, yes, but i catch what youre throwin'.

Mark Knopfler's (Dire Straits) Romeo and Juliet.
While I can see how it might be referenced in this strip (mind was blown), I still don't get what it could have to do with that towel.

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be...

Damn I do love that song.

I think everybody does!

Too be honest, I was hoping for a Walk of Life reference.

While everyone else here has been stressing about the physics of the wheel, this is the question that I've been trying to wrap my mind around. I was glad to see it referenced (and it's interesting that I heard it for the first time in years just a couple of weeks ago), but I'd like to be able to fully appreciate it by understanding the connection.

Dearest, I HAVE missed you . . . . .

awww, sookie-sookie, now!

If those are tennis balls...

Will Beef become a Magreaux Dog?

They are baseballs

There are three of them

He is going to be required to juggle while standing on a towel for all of eternity.

is he juggling, or is he doing philosophy..?

[IMGS OFF]

Beef is being processed by the karmic meat grinder. He's coming back as a Magreaux dog.

HAH! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

Witnessed.

You beat me to it.
Here is a nifty little article about the Blunders and Mistakes of Science and Engineering featuring odd-numbered gear-loops!

https://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/whoops.htm

The irreverent "whoops" at the end nearly sold it, but no, I'm convinced that whatever that link leads to will bore me so much that I'll end up looking like that guy who drank from the wrong grail at the end of Indy and the Last Crusade.

Good guess.

The part where he takes on the cover of Dark Side of the Moon for scientific accuracy deserves a Ig nobel Prize. (I wish I was kidding.)

Guy who wrote that page probably gives 8 hour seminars on how to make hospital corners.

The first arrow points towards his good natural tendencies: Beef is virtuous. The second arrow, attached to the first, is a neutral natural tendency. Ain't no one going to hell for being scruffy. The third arrow are his bad natural tendencies: Beef spends a lot of time in his own world, and could be considered self-obsessed. The fourth arrow, attached to the fifth, is what he was cursed with from birth. The final arrow, in the center, are his Circumstances. It'll probably stop on "wounded by parent," because Beef spent a lot of time in a sandwich bread bag for clothing.

Giving credence to the theory that he will be reborn as simply himself.

yeah this is the first thing I thought when I saw this strip.. he's gonna be reborn as himself

*This* strip?

You're nearly three weeks behind

Damn...
[IMGS OFF]

then again, being reborn as an "Unfortunate Being" and being reborn as Beef are definitely not mutually exclusive.

THAT'S THE POINT.

Perhaps not, but there's always worse...

Beef could come back as Pat's Magreaux dog.

Now how'd that be?

...aaand to late do I see that joke has already been done... twice.

Fuck THIS guy!

You really shouldn't fuck your own Magreaux dog. Not even if you're Pat.

Lacrimus, I like the avatar/name synergy. ...something about caring about your cry cry face. It made me smile.

Roast Beef, the dice were loaded from the start.

[guitar solo]

But there's a place... for you

There's no Angel of mercy, and it ain't no tunnel of love your latest trick gets you into. A dive of death rather than a walk of life, you fall onto solid rock. And it never rains: you're southbound again and again, a six-blade knife awaiting while les boys die hand in hand in the Escalade, their private investigations taken down to the waterline and then some. So far away from your brothers in arms, you take your last ride across the river. So where do you think you're going? You ought to follow me home, the man ('s too strong) seems to say.
Ah damn. I really used to be a fan. Now, it makes so little sense.

What, no Sultans of Swing?

The problem I'm having with these latest strips is that I can no longer read the earlier strips without being disappointed.

BTW, the rating for the strip should have been "pro".

I am new to the internet, so no spam, please!

A birthing blanket, by the looks of it. But whose?

I'll give you three guesses on the "who"

the real stumper now is "what"

I meant who was birthing, not being birthed.

THEN WHO WAS PREGNANCY???

HOW IZ ROST BEFE FROMMED?

Which way is Bethlehem?

Just follow that rough beast, its hour come round at last, as it slouches towards Bethlehem to be born.

I love the reference, but you seem to be implying Beef will be reborn as the Antichrist, and I can't see the Antichrist as being an Unfortunate Being.

For one thing, the Antichrist will probably get a blowjob that didn't end in him getting yelled at.

The antichrist has a pretty crummy time to be honest. He spends most of his time reforming a new roman empire and building a new financial/ social system in the middle east only to see it get blown up by pesky christians. And then his ultimate reward for statebuilding and a can-do attitude is being on fire for LITERALLY FOREVER.

Seriously its not all blood orgies, "rock and or roll music" and nannies hanging themselves.

so my question is: is that better or worse than the deal Beef has lined up?

PREACH that Yeats. If I might be literary here, nothing I've ever read has grabbed me like that last line.

THEY NEED TO DO WAY INSTAIN SIDESHOW VAUDEVILLIANS WHO KILL THERE BABBY.

Quote:
A birthing blanket, by the looks of it. But whose?


Mammy Quote:
I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' blankets


[IMGS OFF]

Fuck THIS guy.

dat's racist

[IMGS OFF]

Some webcomics were entertaining today...

Anybody notice that the bottom of the machine isn't parallel with the floor?

Only the 500 other comments about how it violates the law of perspective. I lamed those ones, too. that's how I roll.

Lamed? Oh, I have shamed my family! I'll go cut my belly now.

streever your avatar gives off vibes of being self absorbed and egotistical. the shirt and tie contributes, but also the lighting, the expression on your face, the cropping, the shadows... your avatar screams "I'm a prick" quite loudly... more than a prick, however, it screams "I'm some odd amalgamation of egoism and prickishness." And that's not even a word!

Does this ever concern you?

No. Not at all.
(I actually took this photo to make sure I had tied my tie properly. I didn't have a mirror handy. I registered for Assetbar right after coming back from the meeting, and it was the only image on my desktop. True origin story.)

Me too.

You must be using a mexican realism camera

Your avatar is actually semi-attractive, so there!

Thank you! I don't hear such high praise often.

Girls like a boy who knows how to iron a shirt

I have that going for me.

that explains a lot about me......

I'll be straight; I thought it was Patrick Bateman.

We are linked mentally, friend . . .

And seriously, deep-fried oreos on a Monday morning? For shame . . .

*wink wink nudge nudge say no more!*

Aw man, for a second I read that as an offer.

(Although for reals I am an oreos virgin straight up.)

Tennis balls...towel...is Roast Beef gonna be...a dog??

:o

Rube Goldberg be damned

No, Roast Beef be dammed, Rube Goldberg be dead.

AAARGH! IT'S BIGGER NOW!!!!

I keep thinking that each new comic will satisfy my curiosity somehow, and I just keep being wrong

I think that the next strip will probably be a catch-up with Ray and T, both so that we know what is going on with them, and also so that we have to wait another two days to find out what the hell is going on .

Ray will say silly things due to brain damage, and OnStar will continue to foul their attempts to escape!

He will recover and they will read the manual and rush to the theater and something will happen.

Two days!?!? Clearly you have a poor understanding of Onstad's schedule. We'll be lucky to get one more strip this week and then another one pushed back to either this weekend or early next week.

Neither will reveal much of anything.

For someone who made his mark with great dialogue he's certainly scaled back lately to doing more strips with tedious dialogue designed to move along a weak and tenuous plot or strips with long stretches of silent panels slowly showing something happening. Not just this CH arc, but even before.

Overdialoguification for the worse in Achewood can be summed up with one chilling word: Wales.

That was actually realistic, though, for the Welsh are well known for dialogue. Interesting fact: Welsh is actually English speeded up.

And yet in every movie when someone dies they don't void their bowels on screen. Point being I ain't care bout no realism if it sucks. The Wales arc had more words than Wales the country has sheep (is that the stereotype? Am I doing it right?).

It wasn't the quantity, it was the general lack of quality.

I disagree. Onstad's never been short of quality. There were some great zingers in that arc, and even the art was pretty good for Achewood standards. But when every character is delivering these great zingers with no point and for ten minutes each, then it's time to rethink the whole thing and end it as painlessly as possible which, to his credit, he did. I think this arc (CH2, let's call it) is bringing him back to form, a bit sloppily (the Williams-Sonoma beginning was not my cup of tea) , but it beats Wales. Or I think.

Wales can be bested by Yorkshire. That's not saying a hell of a lot.

This arc just feels slow and with the possibility that he hasn't quite worked out his endgame yet but thinks that if he keeps it slow and vaguely atmospheric the tension will keep us coming back and thinking highly of it.

I'd rather eat McDonald's new Big Trenton.

We take premium Coney Island Whitefish, deep fry it to a golden brown and serve it on an artisan potato bun with American cheese and authentic "Jersey-sauce". We got your filet-o-fish right here!

That was almost seamless, what you did there.

I agree but I don't think your comment is at odds with mine very much. YES IT IS NO IT ISN'T YES IT IS NO IT ISN'T

HEY,

Less ripping on Yorkshire, all right?

Tyke.

Is that still an insult, or is it like how black people can say "nigga"? Just wondering.

Dude!

I'm black

>B]

No I'm not.

:(

But I am, and I'm hella pissed Nah, I know what you mean, let's not make this a thing.
But for the record, there was a NAACP meeting where they had a mock burial of that word to try and end that double standard thing so everyone would stop using it.

I'm aware. That was like two or three years ago and no one seems to care, which is unfortunate. But we have bigger fish to fry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZJ7TrqwdZo

That was basically nothing but him spinning his wheels with nothing interesting to do and then coming up with the worst and most illogical manner of resolving it that itself takes forever to get through.

That arc had a few high points, but overall it felt like a chore and an excuse for Onstad to reuse a bit that worked once two or three more times to greatly diminishing returns. I don't think there was a single event in there that took less than two strips to describe.

Time to declare your curiosity insatiable.

(It's a good thing.)

You'll be satisfied tomorrow. The recipe will be chicken.

you guys are probably gonna call me a dick on this one, and this i understand, but does anyone else wish he would throw a funny strip in real quick? i love the arc so far and it really does evoke Onstad's darker more literary writing. but i haven't had so much as a giggle in quite some time at this.

You do not find a doomed cat being reincarnated through a complex mechanism of Karma funny?

Maybe you'll enjoy the towel-based juggling?

It's towel night here at "Karma's 3 Jewels of Juggling Pavilion" and here's your host, CH!

I think the next When We Last Left Teodor and Ray should be a bit of a gutbusta.

A comment left by jaspers was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by divot, wazza, dougtgraham)

those are Roast Beef's feet, as was already commented on at length...

The balls have also been commented upon* and I possibly see a rather vicious debate brewing on the topic of baseballs vs. tennis balls.

*"That's what she said", etc.

viciously: tennis balls come in threes, baseballs come singly or by the bucket.

They're also non-white which would indicate their not being baseballs.

However I'm in favour of the "tiny basketballs" theory. I mean, what's a cat gonna do with a full sized basketball? Sleep in it?

Thro em a bassball?

Just because they're non white, you have to ASSUME.

I can't be any more specific in a comic which is, in essence, monochrome. They may be yellow; they may not.

That's how it is with assetbarians, always "assume"

be. you forgot the last be in your second sentence.

No.

That's what she- oh. Sorry.

When life gives you a Commodore, make sure there's a towel at the end of the chute?

The alt text looks bent and curved in different ways depending on where it appears in the wheel. Especially at the top and bottom. I know it's an optical illusion but in context it gives me the heebie jeebies.

christopher onstad please make a poster of this strip

and a tshirt and a condom too

improvement, sociable invasive, bastard, wounded by self

Is there supposed to be something under the towel?

thats what she said

that bitch

You just wander into Assetbar whenever you feel like it and lay down the funny.

Does this mean what I think it does...? Did Cartilage Head collect Roast Beef purely to calibrate the Lash of Thantos setting on his Karmometer? D:

id like to see onstad work sometime

go to his house and ask. im sure he will let you look over his shoulder.(that was sarcasm for, "you are a prick. consume excrement and cease to live.")

Aw shit, somebody told Onstad about Chris Ware

"...embarrassed by the book, which he considers amateurish and naive, Ware is reportedly purchasing and destroying all remaining copies."

That is an excellent way to quadruple the value of any surviving copies.

Some time ago, I'm afraid.

They've both been in the New Yorker ; one bickers about sandwiches while the other draws the cover.

[IMGS OFF]

Also, I've always suspected that Achewood April 02, 2003 was Ware:

[IMGS OFF]

huh! that's insane...

but how about that sandwich duel, eh? that was fun to read.

You and everyone else who posted on that strip

where the fuck have you been

general notice and not in any way connected to this strip: in my spare time, i'm animaking a music video to The Decemberist's "We Both Go Down Together". it's kinda pretty basic in style and form, just following the song's story. i'm about a third of the way through the song (animating is hard ) but in the end i hope it'll be something folk on here will enjoy.

the end.

very cre8ive dogg

I don't want to hear about anything that isn't two-thirds complete

like Onstad never does that to us.

dang, kotoku, what'd i ever do to you?

Your avatar was horrible. ;)

Oh and I'm not a fan of the song.

Otherwise nothing. No hard feelings. :X

ah.

proceed .

Also, congrats on a much better avatar.

what, this old thing?

that is an excellent song and you've done a bad thing today

In my spare time I'm watching youtube and weeping profusely.

The end.

well then, here is a bird dancing to Another One Bites The Dust.

it will make you (or anyone) smile.
unless your cockatoo just died. in which case, how's that for coincidence, and i'm sorry.

oh god thankyou that cockatoo has just made my day... I am BirdNerd here me roar... squark.

It reminds me of my parents' cockatoo... aside from the parts where it isn't screaming loudly and throwing its food on the ground to get attention.

what a dumb bird. similar to my friend's cockatiel; once it made a little poop on my knee and laughed. he laughed . (okay, it was just squeaking to be honest, but it did it for like, ten straight minutes.)

then we attacked it with little cheese pieces, which we found it feared. hilarity ensued.

that is such a cute bird cpnglxynchos, don't be mean to it.

that friend's girlfriend can catch the bird while it's in mid-flight. this fact is both terrifying and awesome.

we never did this to the bird again..it's about due for another freakout.

Belgand took to screaming loudly and throwing his food on the ground due to the fact that his parents dearly loved that bird.


It was all in vain.

Chris Onstad? Dave Sim?

Roast Beef reincarnated a misogynist aardvark? On my internet?

it's more likely than you think

"The Catgut Mystery." Cat lovers everywhere will be relieved to learn that, where tennis [or baseball] is concerned, the cat's gut has been and always will be inviolate. "Catgut," writes the author earnestly and unequivocally, "whether used in tennis, in surgery, or in music, is made from the intestines of sheep."

why is there a period after the label "Karma?" What the fuck is that? Isn't the period generally used in sentences? Likewise with "Lash of Thanatos." Hey Onstad, you forgot the apostrophe in "Thanatos."

Onstad inserted these gramatical idiocies on purpose. He *wants* to be reincarnated as Paris Hilton/Britney Spears/Both Olson Twins/Sarah Palin's underage daughter. What a sick fuck.

"Hey, there's the son of a bitch who thinks there needs to be an apostrophe in Thanatos! He wants to taste the curb! HE WANTS TO TASTE THE FUCKING CURB!"

CATFIGHT!!

Why, you're right...I hadn't even noticed choco's a she! Darn, I'm not into cattiness. Sigh. (drops the handful of choco's hair, puts shoe back on)

well, is this handful still attached to choco? if not, you may want to hang on to it and find some glue or something so it doesn't get a dirty, sight?

No, no, no, it's perfectly ok, AIU is only female on the internet.

Choco isn't a female. Choco is AIU. Choco is also ignored.

AIU isn't a Who but more of a What. works of Seuss abound.

Choco is no woman. Even if she is.

she's certainly no lady

all daughters are initially underage, if you think about it even medium-hard.

When ever I think about my daughter, its medium hard.

Yo choco. Why do you think there should be an apostrophe in Thanatos. Because it ends in an "s"? Thanatos is a name (demon representation of death). If it were "Thanatos' Lash", well there you go. Just like "the douche of choco" would be "choco's douche". Are we clear now? Also, there are two "m"s in "grammatical". Not that Onstad needs a defender, but you're the fucking idiot.

a train dropped from the 'bove, arganikmark the conductor.
dining car detaches from the rest, cutting its own line down the sky.
salad's now snow; leaves are flakes. carrots? bombs.

ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiit

On the "fucking idiot" scale, I think not being able to spell very well doesn't even register... You must be one of those Americans who went to an American school where memorization of spelling and times tables passes for education aka funducation. On the other hand, being unable to notice that I'm being sarcastic when I say that thanatos should have an apostrophe... that just might register on the "fucking idiot" scale, not as strongly as your avatar, but yeah, it's on there.

chill out. he's just a confused old man.

I guarantee you no American student has memorized the proper spelling of a word or anything resembling a multiplication table in many years. Now "education" means being diagnosed with ADD and social anxiety disorder and taking 'adaptive' tests so ridiculously easy that a decade or two ago a student five grade levels lower could have passed it without studying. Today's coddled and medicated students are congratulated for getting a C- on the same test.

Also, rote memorization of facts is generally (accurately) considered a characteristic of Asian school systems (at least in comparison to ours). If you want to criticize the American school system, go after our over-emphasis on creative thinking (without worrying about teaching children facts to think about creatively) and politically correct revisionism. Today's American students can write a poorly spelled and punctuated free-form essay about conditions in Japanese internment camps during World War II, but they can't tell you when WWII happened, why it happened, or which countries were on which side.

Look, if your gonna learn all that Kanji, Hanzi, or Hanja, damn straight you're going to do some hard-arsed rote learning. Hell, I'm pretty sure Japanese students learn very little in the way of facts and such until they are in high school.

I didn't mean it as criticism. I consider it far superior to our own system, which seems purpose-built to ensure the world of Idiocracy is fully realized within a generation or two. I guess calling them out for too much memorization could be considered criticism from the perspective that no system is perfect, and that is the hand they were dealt.

I think the problem was that it wasn't hilarious.

[IMGS OFF]

The deathmaker?? gasp

(that joke was made last strip.)

The last strip? That's so "the last strip."

that's so last strip!

Is that so?

*shrug*

Whelkspine?

Maybe it means a curved back like a sea snail's shell. I picture an old man with a hunch, but I could be wrong.

Its caused by holding an accordion too long.

[IMGS OFF]

I swear this wasn't here when I posted. Jeff Spaulding I want to see you when you have a minute, right now.

this will teach you to make a cautious refresh before posting. this has saved my bacon exactly one (1) time.

I advise cautiously refreshing the page before posting a reply. Your bacon will thank you.

DAMMIT!

whoah -- what the hell, man?

Good god, we need another strip FAST--we are becoming a hive mind.

bacon

cautious refresh

refreshing bacon

with the breath-freshening power of ham?

pinkens your breath as you chew?

Teeth, dude. Teeth.

If you pinken yellowed teeth, is that replacing the current color with the pink? or are they combining to make some violently orange color that looks even worse?

geez, we need Onstad's miracle agai--

gotchya.

Pictured: Fergal NacMahoney- succumbed to Terminal Whelkspine last friday. Musician, Patriot, Pathological liar. He will be lain to rest at Kilmihil cemetary on the fourth of the month.

It means you always count in music with "A-one and a-two". If you'll excuse me, it's time for my accordion solo, Myron will you join me.

If Myron joins him, is it still a solo?

Myron's not there to play music!

Take it up with Laurence Welk.

Quote:
I picture an old man with a hunch, but I could be wrong.


You should always trust your hunches.

alternatively:

Quote:
I picture an old man with a gut, but I could be wrong.


You should always go with your gut.

Wot hunch?

[IMGS OFF]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, help me with the bags.

Igor: Soitenly. You take the blonde, I'll take the one in the turban. ...

my theory: onstad has been late always due to him working really hard and long and drawing all the teeth on the gears.

he knew it was worth the investment - he's going to kill off each character and feed it through

then it will be done

Ground Beef? Have pity, Oh, Merciful Cat Goddess, Bast.


[IMGS OFF]

Oh the felinity!

does anyone else think that maybe, if the ancient egyptians were still around today, they would have conventions ?

their conventions would be their lifestyle.
...and lots of people would be found dead afterwards, i think.

My thoughts exactly. I was just about to say that I thought we had a standing policy on not providing jack-off material of this sort. I mean, at least give us an Ibis or something....

[IMGS OFF]

...

Fucking interns!

I think you meant that to be Bill Clinton, given the caption.

Bill Clinton isn't the only person to have interns. Half of Congress has had an intern at some point.

heck, i'm having one right now .

who the crap is that guy, anyways? he looks hella decrepit.

Bea Arthur.

hehehe

Would somebody chubby me? I NEED A GODDAMN CHUBBY RIGHT NOW.

Bea Arthur! *tap tap* Is this thing on?

i am unsure if i should chubby you.

(this is what i told her.)

I wish you would, I haven't been chubbied in over a week .

I wouldn't chubby you with Bea Arthur's dick...

Wait, Bea Arthur was a dude? Everything I knew is a lie!

and if you've seen Lake Placid, you know Betty White's story...

Ah man, I haven't woken up to a chubby in months!

Funny I always wake up with a... oh you mean an assetbar chubby.

Or do you...?

Are you a customer of Dr Worveston?

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012008

daaamn, that answer could use some work!

thursday. buca. 7pm. farthest table.

[i]Which[/] Buca? There's like 80 of 'em. I'll be at the first one.

[IMGS OFF]

[b [ i] sorry! /b [i ]/

feel better now?

better? i never met 'er!

awww, were you my (only, ahem) chubbier? Tx!

In all actuality, it is hella decrepit racist Don Imus.

Senators don't need bookmarks -- they just bend-over the pages.

Excellent avatar/comment synergy, in that it sounds exactly like a Groucho quip.

Are you new?

To Assetbar, yes.

Quote:
I was just about to say that I thought we had a standing policy on not providing jack-off material of this sort.


We're in the anteroom of Death here, Belgand. Won't be no wanking going on.

except for the necrophiliacs.

Chubbied because coincidentally I was trying to think of the Egyptian cat goddess's name all effing day

So the whole thing is driven by anger?
That's all I fucking need - brilliant.

Fuck.

Were I a betting man ,I would bet that Onstad's wednesday is the common man's friday. (Or saturday)

so he goes out and gets drunk every wednesday, is hungover on thursday and then wonders whats going on on saturday when hes not at work but feels like he should be?

The eagle flies on Wednesday?

no, it files on wednesday and flies on saturday.

Beef's had out-of-body experiences, he cheated death when he went to Hell, and now he's being properly reincarnated. It's an afterlife hat trick!

it was Teodor went out-of-body.

Though Beef has been to both the Good Place and the Bad Place, so he's still had experience of three afterlives.

The Daily Double for this race was Drown in the Stream and Puke on a Wallsocket.

There is a set of legs going into the top funnel and tennis balls at the bottom funnel. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE

are they even funnels? Hoppers? damn.

i'll stop replying to myself soon, i swear. I didnt realise that this had already been brought up, discused and closed

oh what the hell, one more.

SLAP snap out of it, man!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN

"New strip Wednesday night." I look forward to reading the new comic at 4 AM Friday morning.

jk chris keep writing like this and they can come out once a month

you shut your damn mouth.

I wonder if Dracula had much money this week.

WHY FIND OUT

truly karma makes tennis balls of us all

you said balls ... [[snicker]]

the wheel of karma is powered by a black 1941 Cadillac (with a chopped roof).

[IMGS OFF]

I think I just came.

of course you just came, everyone told you how much they missed you just up there, they wouldn't be saying that if you'd been around for a while already...

Guys, I think I'm stuck on the exhaust pipe. . .

Do we like this person? I'm bad at recognizing flamers.

Wait... is wazza gay?

Wait is that a Aussie song?
Is a wazza, was a wazza, will a wazza
be so gay
as to tie me kangaroo down, Sport?

insult me not! I am from New Zealand .

And yeah, I'm new. Been missing some sleep lately, so might be less than pleasant at times. Sorry about that, both prior occurrences and in advance.

hey whoefer it is who makes the assetbarista listen up

this shitty thing needs to maintain it's own list of unread posts in a cookie which gets zapped only when the user presses a button that way if you accidentally refresh or hit back or click a link or ignore someone, your highlighting on the unread posts doesn't get blown away.

hey whoefer it is who makes the assetbarista listen up

this shitty thing needs to maintain it's own list of unread posts in a cookie which gets zapped only when the user presses a button that way if you accidentally refresh or hit back or click a link or ignore someone, your highlighting on the unread posts doesn't get blown away.

Your hate only makes assetbarista stronger.

is it really that important?

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DOUBLE POSTIN'??

Fuck assetbar.


This is art.

Fuck...
ART!


with LITTLE ASSETBAR

[IMGS OFF]

I do believe, friends, that this apparatus may exist outside of Time.

Beef has been metaphysically transported to this place. It is not his body that produces tennis balls or what have you, but his soul . . .

Speaking of existing outside of time, how about Onstad's new strip announcements?

fuck it. I'm going to bed. it's now midnight california time... wait a minute... didn't Onstad move to Florida anyway? That means he's 3 hours late.

i thought he moved to portland.

...Which is also on the East Coast...

portland oregon

that is the one i always think of when i hear Portland...is there another one? i think there's one in New Jersey...hm.

if I remember correctly, there are 11 cities or towns called Portland in various places in the United States.

it is not considered original to name your town Portland

there is basically always another town that shares the name of yours.

unless you're in England. there will be no other place called Trembly-on-Kent. what in the world, England. what. in. the. world.

There is only one Oodnadatta, thank god.

Ogallala, NE.

weird O-towns.

Fucking, Austria was bowdlerized to fit local sensibilities as Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Newfoundland, being well, Newfies , were unable to even get that far and had to settle for Dildo.

Intercourse is near Blue Ball, PA. There is another nearby town called Bird-in-Hand, which doesn't sound particularly dirty at first, but if you do a good job using your imagination it can become dirty.

"virginia may be for lovers, but pennsylvania has intercourse !"

...of Japan, yes tetsujin.

It moonlights as an auto ball-returner at Wimbledon.

Why do I have the feeling Beef will soon find he is in the warehouse of Lonis Edison, the unwary Guinea Pig in his latest invention?

The machine that keeps Achewood going? More at 11.

[color=white]Test![/color]

TEST