zeltaen +6 -0
That clerk handles it like an old pro.

saulbellow +30 -1
all stating the amount required to purchase the item including applicable sales tax

all accepting such amount in exchange for said item

meowwwww +0 -0
Comment left by meowwwww ignored.

mrchuckletrouzd +1 -0
Thus begins the dynamic struggle that we see being updated Right Now that is this one man's desire for his comment to bear images.

I, for one, wish him the best, for as I see the roadblocks and the triumphs unfold I can forget my life.

For a time.

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Mangtastic, ESwrathwright, QingofChina, Sleaw, lennyx, emosexy)

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Mangtastic, ESwrathwright, QingofChina, Sleaw, emosexy)

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Mangtastic, ESwrathwright, Sweetlips, QingofChina)

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Mangtastic, ESwrathwright, QingofChina, Sleaw)

aiu_aiu +0 -0
Comment left by aiu_aiu ignored.

sleaw +0 -0
Chuppy indeed!

warning +0 -0
Comment left by warning ignored.

mangtastic +8 -0
I call shenanigans. You spelled it "chuppy" and the member status is "Newbie".

Shenanigans!

warning +0 -0
Comment left by warning ignored.

vorrishnikov +2 -0
Let him spell it any way he wants and the good lord will provide

cheese +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]

j +0 -0

ERRY ONE THE SPIRAMENT IS OVER.
ALL IMAGE RERECTS HAS BEEN POINT NOW TO THIS IMAGE:
[IMGS OFF]
IF YOU SEES THIS IMAGE, PLEASE TO IGNORE THE ACCOUNT OF IT
THIS WILL HELP TO REDUCE THE SERVER STRAIN
AND WILL HELP TO MAKE PAGE TO LOAD FASTEST
SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCE
HOPFUY THEY FIXA FIXA FIXA DA EXPLIOT SONNA

invidious +3 -0
My god, he's like a turd that won't flush!

i_love_kate +5 -0
Push it under the u-bend with the toilet brush! Push it under the u-bend with the toilet brush!

We don't have much time!

i_love_kate +0 -0
Push it under the u-bend with the toilet brush! Push it under the u-bend with the toilet brush!

We don't have much time!

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

lateadopter +1 -0
I had to unignore assetbar-admin in order to reply to his comment and give you all this warning: Your accounts have been hijacked and lashed to some lamebot script that aiu has concocted. He brags about it in the comment above.

I followed the link he provides to an old comment by assetbar_admin (the real admin account for AssetBar). I never lamed that comment, but there's my name, saying I lamed it, along with over 300 other users.

If you visit AssetBar, you are automatically laming some comment of aiu's choosing. He is also changing your account's statistics in the process.

Have a day, pod-people.

(Maybe AssetBar should hire aiu as a security consultant. He'd just spend his whole day trying to break things, like he does now, only he'd get paid, and they could keep him in a test area.)

lateadopter +0 -0
Oh, and he's making you give chubbies to gladi8orexx .

farqussus +1 -0
Can someone love this fuckhead so we can be left in peace? Parents? Anyone?

lateadopter +0 -0
Okay, now I'm afraid to ignore his accounts (like j up above, who is begging to be ignored), lest I activate some script that will send foreclosure notices to all my relatives. Fuck.

52 +2 -0
you're being paranoid. All assetbar functions are working normally, and they have been all along. The problem is simply that it has been possible to cause other users to perform some of these functions by calling these functions via image tags.

For example, normally, an image tag might call an image at example.com:

{img}https://example.com/image.jpg{/img}

Well, if instead, you put an assetbar function in there like this:

{img}https://assetbar.com/function_X{/img}

then every time someone's browser attempts to load the image, assetbar will think that the browser is requesting for it to perform function_X, and so assetbar will perform this function.

As for the image that is saying "please ignore me," be aware that I originally had these image URLs redirecting to assetbar functions (lame and chuppy) via a server-side redirect. I now have these image URLs redirecting to the image you see now (asking to be ignored) because I'm done fucking with assetbar's functions. It would be ideal if these accounts could be put on the global ignore list so that people don't have to see that shit anymore, but whatever. If you really are concerned about security, know that although I'm not going to, it is still technically possible for me to redirect these image URLs back to assetbar functions, so ignoring any comment with these images is your safest course of action.

hopefully they will rewire assetbar such that it is no longer possible to rate comments and strips via URLs like this, with almost no authentication.

Note that I did not fuck with the ratings of any strips. All I did was to give lames to the assetbar_admin account, and chuppies to gladi8orrex. I didn't quite make it to 9,000 chuppies for Glad before assetbar partially crashed again today, I presume due to taking too many hits, but I am close enough so I called it a day.

congradulations to Gladi8orrex for approaching 9000 chuppies:

gladi8orrex
Male, 20
Strips Viewed: 1604
Comments Made: 957
Chubbies: 8871
Lames: 1097
Messages marked as Spam: 0
Member Status: Connoisseur

and congradulations to Assetbar_Admin for receiving over 1000 lames in 48 hours:

assetbar_admin
Male, 38
Strips Viewed: 54
Comments Made: 13
Chubbies: 293
Lames: 1221
Messages marked as Spam: 0
Member Status: Newbie

sorry for any trouble this may have caused. it was intended as non-malicious. By exposing these weaknesses, they will hopefully be corrected before someone gets the idea to use them to really fuck everything up.

52 +1 -1
the problem with the assetbar's heuristics (or Eigenvector as assetbar_admin calls them in this post )is that assetbar assumes (incorrectly) that 'events' will happen with a certain average frequency in time. (e.g. making a post without it being lamed to hell is a positive event, having a post lamed to hell is a negative event.)

The problem is that the user can essentially 'travel' in this artificial time continuum by making multiple posts in rapid succession. The protection against this is that a user is only allowed to make one post per day, until the user has enough positive events. The problem with this protection is that each time a user views a strip, this is counter as a positive event. So simply viewing about a hundred strips fixes this. Any number of automated methods can be used to view multiple strips.

The problem isn't that a user is willing to go to extreme lengths to circumvent the heuristics system. These lengths are not extreme and are well within the means of the average school-age kid. It's kind of like the prison-guard dilemma; prison guards have a life. The prisoners they guard (in this case 13 yr old kids) have unlimited time on their hands to think about ways to break the system.

But like I say, the problem, at least so far, has not been the lengths that users (user?) has gone to, the problem has simply been one simple flaw in the heuristics.

Now if the heuristics would NOT assume incorrectly that events will happen with an average frequency, and instead would go to the trouble of keeping track of the passage of time, that would be a whole lot better. Of course, you can't have the system only accept positive events at a rate of say, one per 12 hours, and discard the rest, because what if a user goes ahead and reads all the strips in the first 24 hours he is on the site? That's it then, there would be no more strips to read. So, with respect to using strips read as a positive event, the heuristics would have to cache these events, and would have to allow them to trickle in at a reasonable rate, and even then, only if the user was also, simultaneously, positively engaged in the community. e.g., if the balance of the user's activity is positive over the past 12 hours, then go ahead and count another strip read as a positive event. If the user has not been logged in over the past 12 hours, then do nothing except wait. don't discard the cache of positive events, and don't count them either.

Of course, when it comes to actually making comments, the event of making a comment probably doesn't need to be cached, because comments are a renewable resource so to speak. Over the course of 12 hours, you might want to count only the user's most negative comment event, and discard all the rest... this way, if a user makes 50 comments off in the archives that don't get rated because no one sees them, they don't count as positive events. In fact, for that matter, no comment should count as a positive event unless it gets some chuppies. That would solve two problems... one, it would not give the user positive reputation simply for making empty comments off in the archives, and two, it would not give the user positive reputation simply for making comments of average quality. It would REQUIRE the user to make an above average contribution in order to build reputation, and again, like I say if only one positive event per 12 hours is counted, it would require the user to build reputation over time.

Finally, I don't believe that it's cool to only allow the user to make ONE comment per day when they first sign up. It should be two or three or four. New users should be WELCOME to participate. Allowing them to only make one comment and then telling them to shut up is not welcoming them, it's going to discourage a lot of quality users from joining. You shouldn't START with the assumption that the user is a douche and require the user to prove himself. Instead, START with the assumption that the user is cool, and allow the heuristics to give the user negative events as needed.

I'd say, maybe allow all users the ability to make Y number of total comments up to a limit of X, with X being limited initially to say, 3, and with Y being decremented every time a new comment is made. Y would be automatically incremented by one unit, up to limit X, say, every 2 hours. As positive reputation accrues, limit X is increased.

The reason why assetbar is such a frustrating place right now, full of spam, trolling, douchebaggery, and for that matter a general ambiance of mediocrity, is that users don't have to WORK to acquire positive reputation. It's given out for free, under the assumption that if you've been around a while and haven't been lamed to death or ignored by a bunch of people, then hey, you must be pretty cool, which unfortunately is NOT the case.

I think that assetbar has a lot cooler users back in the day, who generated a lot more quality content, and the reason for this, I would wager, is that back in the day, assetbar was much more restrictive in who could join and participate, not due to it's heuristics, but due to the fact that achewood was a much lesser known strip. I think as more and more people with less and less to contribute started hanging out on assetbar, it sort of brought the general level of discourse down further and further into more and more mundane strata. This is not to say that many of the present users are not capable of interesting and valuable discussion, it is simply to say that it's simply a sort of snowball effect; we're kind of lowering the standards of the environment for each other and for ourselves, and this environment feeds back into our mindsets, and so I think the discussion on here is less interesting and valuable than it could be.

So there you go, that's my take on it all.
-AIU.

octafish +2 -0
V-ignore.

52 +0 -0
they've fixed the problem now on both the pay and the free assetbars... it's no longer possible for users to be tricked into giving other users chuppies and lames!

troy_convers +0 -0
AIU reaches an epiphany. Your comments make a lot of sense, and unfortunately the free-flowing nature of Assetbar has also been it's undoing to a point. The price of freedom really is eternal vigilance, it seems.
Just don't do a heel-turn on us all eh?

52 +0 -0
I think I might need to get a life

farqussus +0 -0
UHDOOIIIIIIIII

baryonyx +0 -0
Aside: Achewood is a webcomic.

Today's was pretty good and you shat on it, real hard.

nictusempra +1 -0
Sorry, you're the only one who cares about fucking with a guy's website to do pointless and silly things.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

cryztal +4 -0
Man I love it when I'm all freaking out over small shit and it turns out it ain't no thang.

shinkusan +0 -1
Man that is like my EXISTENCE. It's the womens' fault, I wager.

sherief +10 -0
I'm pretty sure it's your own damn fault.

thegoblins +2 -0
Then explain why to be woman is to worry if your ass looks big the way you're sneezing and will people think you're a harlot when they see how you wipe your nose.

shinkusan +1 -0
Excuse my bitterness. I should not bring personal issues on to the internet. Apologies.

cryztal +0 -0
Actually, I'm pretty sure livejournal is for women problems.

invidious +1 -0
And goth-boy problems.

shinkusan +0 -0
I have been at least one of these things that have problems once. And it is the not woman.

thegoblins +3 -0
Then explain why to be woman is to worry if your ass looks big the way you're sneezing and will people think you're a harlot when they see how you wipe your nose.

i_love_kate +2 -0
Stop! Stop! I... I can't, okay?!

thegoblins +2 -0
Whoah, the double-posting totally makes me look like a chocolate-devouring harpy. Which I suppose is better than a cheating icy-hearted whore, which is what I fear I might become.

rowboat +0 -0
Whatever happens in the end, I'll be right here. With my nudity.

smallberries +1 -0
Condom packages here are displayed with embedded sensors and cameras pointed at you. Sometimes they're in a locked cabinet necessitating a call over the store intercom. I swear it's worse than viewing the Hope Diamond.
Bitches gotta take they cunt pills, I ain't wearin' no gunny sack .

rowboat +1 -0
I like the "I Cannot Steal Them, Therefore I Will Not Use Them" plan. Keeps the trailer parks and ghettos vibrant.

smallberries +2 -0
Those particular stores must be Catholic owned because as we both know ... every sperm is sacred - every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

agentcimorene +0 -0
If I ever have to go to mass again I'm saying that for varied responses during the service.

smallberries +0 -0
If you ever have to go to mass again? What kinda freakin' weird bet would you have to lose to wind up in mass fer Chrissakes? Oh wait ... a dumbass pal of mine married a Catholic and "converted". Bet lost, forever.

cheese +0 -0
so I woke up today with a hard-on (as usual) wanting to take pictures of it and send these to females on the internet. so this wasn't a conscious impulse, it was totally built in and automatic, because I had this impulse already while I was in the process of waking up.

so anyway, women have tits and pussy and they wear tight and revealing clothing

but guys, it's not really a custom for guys to wear tight and revealing clothing around their penis unless they're gay, or in some kinda sport, and even then, it's not really considered too cool to sport a huge erection under your penis hugging panties.

yet women can sport erect nipples under their breast hugging attire.

anyway, it's interesting, how woman's sexuality is regarded and treated totally different from man's sexuality.

you know what I think is sad, is anyone who totally buys into these gender roles and the tripe simplistic justifications for them, without even really being aware that they're there.

cheese +0 -0
I think that's why simple minds find rock 'n roll to be offensive and/or threatening. because dude, the whole ethic and dress code and behavior of rock 'n roll is somewhat spasmodic, and a little random, which is basically the anti-thesis of the simplistic static environment that simplistic minds seek to cultivate for themselves.

agentcimorene +0 -0
I know where to get free condoms down town. Fish bowl, free grabs, no questions.

wazza +0 -0
Student Health Services, amirite?

agentcimorene +0 -0
The Gay and Straight Alliance "Eon Lounge" club down town *thumbs up*

cryztal +0 -0
Also, most Planned Parenthoods.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Most, but not all. Some exist solely to actually help you plan a parenthood. "Oh no, we don't have condoms here. Would you like to look at some college brochures?"

plummet +0 -0
Hey, it's better than being a lightweight kid who can't take his alcohol, right?

aelindil +1 -0
I'd advise going for the latter. Everyone likes a whore. No one likes a harpy.

aelindil +4 -0
The slightly older lady gives advice to the slightly younger in hopes that her mistakes might not be repeated, or at least repeated with more grace.

woodenteeth +0 -0
So much chubby for you.

greenkoolayd +0 -0
those arent the only choices......

scorpio_nadir +2 -0
No one likes a Harpo?

[IMGS OFF]

soup_alex +0 -0
That boy plucks a mean harp.

farqussus +0 -0
Not me. That mild trickle of relief does not fully exacerbate the pressure that standing between the battery aisle and milk fridge sweating for ten minutes thinking to yourself has built up.

farqussus +0 -0
That was a poorly constructed sentence

cheese +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]

melchior +0 -0
Is there some sort of question or story problem on the drug store clerk exam where one has to handle a customer buying condoms? Make fun of them and you're out?

usversusthem +0 -0
No that is just basic human decency. Drug store clerks buy condoms too, you know. (The ones that can get any, aka, none of them, heyo!)

rowboat +0 -0
Drugstore clerks are repulsive.

yorkshiretea +0 -0
Due to some quirk of fate, whenever I buy condoms from the local chemist it's nearly always the same guy on the till. He just gives me a wink and a smile every time I walk in now.

diplomat76 +9 -0
Isaac isn't even buying anything. He's just keeping the clerk updated.

hamscout +15 -0
Issac pulled on his seatbelt, and started to turn the key when he paused.
His walk to the car had been troubled by something, itching at the back of his mind. Just now, as the ignition lights had flashed on his dashboard, resembling a cash register screen, he had remembered.
In his rush to get back to his condo, and the two avon sales women who were getting puzzled on red wine to steel their nerves for 'the experiment', Issac hadn't said a word to the clerk.
Issac hung his head, disappointment swelling in his chest, like the bottom lip that was slowly protruding to form his sheepish expression.
He had hurt the one man that had always been there for him.
The clerk that listened patiently to a young boy's stories about his dead father's football, waiting a full 5 minutes before politely asking Issac if he was going to buy the Cadbury Egg that he had absent-mindedly left in the pocket of his Zubaz.
The clerk who helped a caring, but distant, step father pick out Issac's favorite candy, to help soften the blow of his mother's sudden and vicious death at the Otis manufacturing plant.
Issac rose from the car, and began striding back to the innocent glow of the convenience store. His eyes already rimmed in red, he was afraid to meet the gaze of the clerk, to feel the shame of what he did, before the words even spilled from his lips.
But before Issac reached the gaze of the automatic door sensor, the clerk looked up from tampons he was scanning, and looked right at him. Issac stopped, feeling his shame and torment drain out his through his feet, replaced by the relief that flooded in through his eyes.
The clerk knew . And he had already forgiven Issac with a glance, acknowledging his penitent march back to the store with a small nod, and a hint of a smile at the corner of his beard-framed lips.
issac smiled back, turned on his heel as he fingered the wetness from the corner of his eyes, and headed back to the car with new determination.
He and the clerk both had work to do. And those cosmeticians weren't going to do themselves.
...at least, not until Issac got there.

adroitcelerity +0 -0
A comment left by adroitcelerity was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Deusoma, woodenteeth, shambles, charchar)

zombiezero +4 -0
[IMGS OFF]

meowwwwwwwwwww +0 -0
Comment left by meowwwwwwwwwww ignored.

sherief +0 -0
Who put all this comic strip here? What is it doing here?

granularsilica +0 -0
Crazy troll shit, lots of that today, have ignored at least six accounts. That's the trouble with being ina public place.

usversusthem +1 -0
No, that's the problem with being in a public place that is underpoliced and where the troll can fuck with the architecture and general physical reality of the place in ways basically no one else can understand.

cheese +0 -0

aelindil +0 -1
stop and i hate you

mikeleffel2 +0 -1
damn it i meant chubby i apologize and beg forgiveness

cheese +0 -0

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mockereo +0 -0
it was worth reading

mattylite +0 -0
Whoa, I wasn't gona read this but then "Zubaz" caught my eye, and I had to. But for some reason when I try to chubby it it just sends me to the top of the page. Therefore, V-Chub.

cracklewater +0 -0
Isaac could be the Junk Plucker. Which might also make him a barber...

newspaperdrone +2 -0
How does one bash a lifeless body to death?

Has Nice Pete finally figured out how to kill dead things?!

nice-on-water +3 -0
It operates under the same principle as an empty cup of rum.

hubajube +0 -0
The alt-text assumes the reality of zombies.

i_love_kate +0 -0
It also hypothesises as to a suitably radical way to destroy them.

Also, did your avatar just blink or am I a crazy man?

cthulhu235 +0 -0
Lifelessness is an ambiguous concept, it could mean anything from torpidity to unconsciousness to complete expiration. Having the shit bashed out of you by two elevators leaves a lot less to chance.

muillium +0 -0
I'm trying real hard, but I just can't imagine a lifeless body being bashed to death. bashed to an unrecognizable bloody pulp maybe, but unless some sort of zombie/voodoo type shit is involved it's been my experience that the dead are nearly impossible to kill.

muillium +0 -0
whoops, beaten to the punch on this one. at least it a newspaper robot so I don't feel as bad, though I probably should.

featurelessvoid +0 -0
Elevators are persistent .

nice-on-water +0 -0
Elevator s .

cracklewater +0 -0
If possible it might actually suck more to be killed by elevator s rather than being destroyed by a single, rough example.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I guess it always depends. Two could end it quick, whereas one might by just slowly crushing you.

Always and Depends are hygiene products, aren't they?

thegoblins +1 -0
Always is for bleedy ladies, Depends is for leaky ladies.

thegoblins +0 -0
Always is for bleedy ladies, Depends is for leaky ladies.

nice-on-water +0 -0
The statement so nice they said it twice.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Ladies that leak and bleed are fucked.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Not literally, of course.

thegoblins +0 -0
Sometimes literally.

Also I sometimes wear depends during my leaky times if they are especially leaky. But that's an embarrassing fact I don't like to talk about.

granularsilica +0 -0
Too late!

octafish +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
Only women bleed.

greenkoolayd +0 -0
a married dude told me that its not as grotesque as it sounds... it made sense to me, in a way, because arent a lot of ladies more 'warmed up' when their parts are functioning that way?

lux +0 -0
It's not grotesque at all. It's a little more slippery, women usually are more hormonal (translate: horny), and the clean-up takes ten seconds longer than usual. I don't like my men squeamish.

greenkoolayd +0 -0
ill never go face first, but im not afraid of period sex(in theory).

greenkoolayd +0 -0
also, does your user name have to do with 'the virgin suicides'?

lux +0 -0
No. 'Lux' is Latin for 'light'.

greenkoolayd +0 -0
[[ponders]] fitting.

cracklewater +0 -0
No offence meant, GKA, but did you grow up mormon or hardkore christian?
All getting information about mysterious menses from a married dude.
In my commune,we were expected to obtain first hand information by journeying into the deep south...

And don't be afraid of going in face first. There's nothing grotesque about it in the first place, and even if you are still a little worried, the clit is a long way from the blood.

greenkoolayd +0 -0
i am a mormon.

i never asked for the information. i came across it in a messageboard i used to post on. otherwise i never would have known until i discovered it on my own. im not worried, per se, but the idea is slightly unsettling.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

overman +0 -0
Me and you, your momma and your cuzin too...

greenkoolayd +0 -0
rollin down the strip on vogues

tjvanhoot +3 -0
Y'all aint get it. This is a milestone moment for beef.

In the old days he 'ld just stare at em and leave the store, wouldn't matter if it was lambskins or replacement coffee. This married thing is good for beef, gets him doing the previously impossible in the name of gettings-on. Speaking from experience, it will be good for his depression for about six years (maybe only six cat years?), then it will come back for various reasons (less frequent tang a less powerful motivator, old friends stop bein bachelors and new married-couple friends aint the same, etc) and the second time around, beef watch out because molly aint gonna be a sweetheart no more. She just be sick of your shit.

cracklewater +0 -0
Coincidentally, my own six years of relative bliss came unstuck aruond the the time Beef and Molly were married.

In fact, it became clear things were over for good just a few weeks later, around the time Tina was (again) shown to be a no-account ho (which is not to suggest my ex is).

puguglypress +1 -0
sorry brah

cthulhu235 +0 -0
My six years only lasted two years. And come to think of it I was gone for about half of that period of time.

And my ex WAS a ho.

cracklewater +0 -0
Sorry, brah.

(and cheers, pugugly)

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Norsef, philophobe, QingofChina, Lumus, mr_november, newspaperdrone, ouroboros)

featurelessvoid +0 -0
Note the broken image beneath that cartoon. This user "meww" is trying to do a CSRF attack against the free Assetbar, just like a different(?) person did to the paid Assetbar the other day.

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by bondinatowel, Lumus, newspaperdrone)

aelindil +0 -0
i hate you so much right now

you are breaking my browser and it is making me EXCEPTIONALLY irate.

meww +0 -0
A comment left by meww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by philophobe, Lumus, newspaperdrone, alchemicnirvana, ouroboros)

inthetunk +0 -0
Best strip in months. I laughed a bunch!

saulbellow +0 -0
buckets?

lucidz +0 -0
I love the victorious waving of the sexbag over his head as he rushes to his car, ready to go home and thrust his kitteny noodle inside his dear Molly only to arrive home and realize that she has already passed out on the couch as it took him six hours to decide on a package of dickwraps.

philophobe +2 -0
I don't know, I'm pretty sure that's just supposed to be Beef's breath in the cold night air. He seems like the kind of guy to be a bit morose even in victory, all Dustin-Hoffman-and-Katharine-Ross-sitting-silently-at-the-back-of-the-bus style.

octafish +0 -0
Hello Roast-Beef my old friend...

philophobe +1 -0
...[Paranoia's] come to talk with you again.
Because a spider softly creeping,
Left its seed [in your ear] while you were sleeping;
and the [spider babies] that were
planted in your brain,
still remain -
within the sound of [your] silent [screaming].

ohhhhh shiiiiiiit

granularsilica +0 -0
Are you sure he's not just tossing the condoms over his shoulder in disgust?

rowboat +0 -0
Gonna go with breath.

eilie +0 -0
A comment left by eilie was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by divot, daidai, Mangtastic, Deusoma, bondinatowel, Lumus, newspaperdrone, mrblank91, echidnaboy)

featurelessvoid +1 -0
Oh, hey eilie, your broken images come from the same domain as meww's. And yours also redirect to the Assetbar lame-granting URL. Do you and meww know each other?

eilie +0 -0
A comment left by eilie was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by daidai, bondinatowel, Lumus, newspaperdrone, mrblank91)

cathaoir +0 -0
Why do people keep saying "chuppy"? Why? It's "chubby."

i_love_kate +4 -0
Featurelessvoid is AssetBar's Columbo.

mangtastic +0 -0
Here is an IOU chubby for making me laugh.

Try to not read featurelessvoid's comment in Coloumbo's voice, it is impossible

octafish +4 -0
One more question...

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Shee....you know Peter Falk. You know him.
Why do you not know Tune in Tomorrow ?

philophobe +1 -0
The 'Fat Man Condoms' font is reminiscent of that great countercultural movement in music and cinema, Fatsploitation .

Despite the best efforts of many conscientious individuals, Fagsploitation never quite caught on (or at least the ironic part of it).

newspaperdrone +1 -0
Ahh, Fatsploitation . The genre that features such films as Faaaaaaaat Aaaaaaaaass . Good fucking film, man.

thegoblins +0 -0
Hey hey hey!

fresco +0 -0
Chubby for the Sweet Sweetback reference.

elile +0 -0
Comment left by elile ignored.

cproseedcakeksc +0 -0
Why, Chris? Why must I imagine that? Is it really necessary?

meoww +0 -0
A comment left by meoww was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Deusoma, philophobe, bondinatowel, owlshapedzun, alchemicnirvana, ouroboros)

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

adude +0 -0
heh, shared feeling. many a candy bar were bought along to hide the condoms.
btw, rss feed's not working since last strip; fix it pls?

bpierson85 +0 -0
Maybe the Dingo is your baby.

meowwwww +0 -0
Comment left by meowwwww ignored.

charchar +2 -0
I always felt weird buying condoms and buying other things. They just made everything else in the cart look like it was headed to a sexy place.

"Oh my. Raspberry jam and thumbtacks? You kids must have hell of imagination."

thegoblins +0 -0
At least you don't go through oodles of contraceptives and lubes without actually achieving conjugal joy.

mattylite +0 -0
I worked at Target one summer and my favorite game was to imagine how everything else people bought would be used with their condoms. I have a pretty good imagination, so there really wasn't a single thing in that store that couldn't be put into some kind of hilarious sex scenario.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
Are you ready for the remix?

rowboat +0 -0
The remix to "Ignition?" Yes. Always.

majestictrout +0 -0
It doesn't involve condoms, but the elderly man in front of me at Target the other day bought only the following:

-A package of Oscar Mayer salami
-Large can of peach halves
-Regular size Hershey bar

mattylite +0 -0
Sounds like the recipe for a Lemon Party

charchar +0 -0
I once saw an elderly Asian couple at Wal-Mart who had a cart full of bottles of Clorox. Like, "stacked bottles teetering above the rim of the cart" full. And nothing else.

wazza +0 -0
presumably they had just seen something horrifying, and were going home to sit in a bath full of bleach scrubbing themselves, as is the custom.

agentcimorene +0 -0
That's the goal of the ghetto shopping trip. You hit the 99 cent store and with only twenty dollars try to buy the most bizzare shit to confuse the cashier. If I ever get the chance to work retail I'm keeping a running list of the oddest stuff I see others buy.

charchar +0 -0
Do not work retail. I work retail. It is the death of a hundred shrieking children, of a thousand inane questions. When Bukowski said that thing about "quiet desperation," he meant working retail.

onegoodmonkey +3 -0
I'll go to the store now and then just for the experience of having a clerk ring me up for a pack of condoms... the cost of the rubbers is a fair price to pay for creating the impression in at least one person's mind that I get laid.

(I save the condoms and give them to kids at Halloween)

meowwwwwwwwwww +0 -0
Comment left by meowwwwwwwwwww ignored.

weapon86 +0 -0
https://m.assetbar.com/uua2s8q6K.gif/

I immediately thought of this strip upon seeing the selections of 6b.

weapon86 +0 -0
One forward slash and I fail.
https://m.assetbar.com/uua2s8q6K.gif

i_love_kate +0 -0
Perhaps AIU's greatest evil act was that he rendered us all too paranoid to trust the submissions of anyone who hasn't spent the last three years posting at a consistent level of quality.

rowboat +0 -0
Well I guess I'm fucked!

i_love_kate +1 -0
That's what she said!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

soup_alex +0 -0
Somebody help me chubby this, ffs.

weapon86 +0 -0
Holy Daikon Root Batman!

tk001 +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
(ok, one of these is a vegetable that will most likely kill you when ingested)
(ok, c'mon bbcode)

puguglypress +0 -0
I love how in Beef's imagination various characters are played by Beef.

puguglypress +1 -0
Also, I'm glad this strip was divided in half.

lateadopter +0 -0
Two things:

1) Strip is fived for "sellin' embarrassing things to the demoralized." Best corporate slogan ever.

2) Strip is fucked by the usual suspect posting images that are too big to load. What the fuck, again.

mawk +0 -1
could people please stop attempting CSRF attacks through embedded images? it was already a pretty pointless thing, but ever since ru explained exactly how to make it happen, I can't even be impressed with your ingenuity.

i_love_kate +0 -0
The kicker is that they are all Ru.

But we know him by a different name 'round here.

mawk +2 -0
... Professor James Moriarty! I should have known!

burningflowers +0 -0
i wonder which brand he went with.?

spazdor +0 -0
It is encouraging to see Beef take on a shopping endeavour with such brash confidence. There was a time when he would have sat in the parking lot a moment and headed home.

theirateturk +0 -0
I had to ask a polite yet linguistically inept Eastern European check out lady for haemorrhoid cream one time. I found it hilarious that she had no idea what I was talking about and I had to try to convey what I wanted to purchase much to the horror/ amusement of the other patrons who looked at me as though I was some kind of dirty fuck.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Incontheivable! Surely hemorrhoids were invented in Eastern Europe!

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion

i_love_kate +0 -0
Say again?

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion

i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh, right.

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion

i_love_kate +0 -0
Shut up!

cheese +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion

i_love_kate +0 -0
I heard you!

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion

i_love_kate +1 -0
Shut the fuck up!

nonamejoe +0 -0
I chubbed you for that hilarious reparte. And with the luck I've been having posting today, I am for sure not going to try to put the little accents in that word.

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion.

mattylite +2 -0
Wait, does Beef come to a Conclusion?

direbmem +0 -0
6 times, it would seem.

deusoma +0 -0
Apparently the chubbies aren't working. Most unfortunate.

nonamejoe +3 -0
Yeah, Beef realizes it's just not a big deal to buy condoms. In fact, it is a simple transaction.

Personally as these things go, I don't mind buying condoms--they mean I'm getting my freak on. I sometimes wonder what the clerk is thinking when I buy condoms and diapers.

I don't mind buying tampons and whatnot. Many guys I know are embarrassed by this, but to me it signals, "There is a woman at my house who allows me to know things about her vagina."

I get embarrassed buying toilet paper. I tell people it's not for me.

octafish +0 -0
I owe you 1 chubby.

mattylite +0 -0
Quote:

There is a woman at my house who allows me to know things about her vagina.

Gotta get that on a T-shirt.

dartigen +0 -0
I still get occasionally embarassed about having to buy condoms at a place where I actually have to be served by a person.
The local supermarket, on the other hand, has self-service checkouts, which are perfect. (What they do not have is a decent selection.)

nonamejoe +0 -0
Sorry about that everybody. It didn't appear the form was submitting. I thought that maybe I hadn't pressed it so I pressed it again. Pretty soon I was all science monkey on that button.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Nice mantra, goofy picasso-face. What's it mean?

nonamejoe +0 -0
It means my cartooning skills are either really good, or really bad. Also, my income tax is up to date, Elliott Ness.

whiggles +0 -0
RB looking hella tubby in the first panel. Prophylactic pressure adds 10 pounds

aiu_aiu +0 -0
Comment left by aiu_aiu ignored.

mehighlow +0 -0
music on the car stereo: It's a Man's Man's Man's World

all echoing hollowly through the dark, abandoned alley

mehighlow +0 -0
What the hell assetbarrrgh!

mans_job +0 -0
Bruce Springsteen - Man's Job

i_love_kate +1 -0
But what about me and my blue collar?

mockereo +0 -0
JUICE SPRINGSTEEN!

vanillaskittles +0 -0
"...killed by elevators," eh? That's an awful unconventional way of saying something.

farqussus +0 -0
I assume

vanillaskittles +0 -0
"...killed by elevators," eh? That's an awful unconventional way of saying something.

farqussus +0 -0
by your sunglasses

vanillaskittles +0 -0
"...killed by elevators," eh? That's an awful unconventional way of saying something.

farqussus +0 -0
you are a

vanillaskittles +0 -0
"...killed by elevators," eh? That's an awful unconventional way of saying something.

farqussus +0 -0
cool person

luckypyjamas +0 -0
i work as a cashier and had a woman once tell me about how she found her mother dead on the kitchen floor one thanksgiving, and how now thanksgiving is ruined forever for her. possibly the most personal story i wish hadn't been told

woodenteeth +0 -0
chubbying this comment is not appropriate... yet it is a good comment.

inspectorgadget +0 -0
What's going on above Beef's head in the last panel?

nice-on-water +0 -0
DEATH HANGS OVER HIM LIKE oh wait, it's just his breath because it's December.

lacrimus +4 -0
Here is what happened when I bought my first pack of condoms:

It was eleven thirty at night. I was standing on the family planning aisle at Wal-Mart, and I was terrified. I'd never done this before. There were so many choices, and the wrong one could end up with either
a)babies
or
b)unsatisfying sex
As I stood at the wall, a woman walked onto the aisle. She was a rather plump woman, with large hair. She glided through the aisle, and we made eye contact. She saw where I was standing, smiled warmly, and nodded once. She reached up, grabbed an industrial size of Vagisil, and waltzed away.
After that, I lost all fear. I bought my condoms. Much sex happened.

inspectorgadget +0 -0
What's going on above Beef's head in the last panel?

onegoodmonkey +0 -0
That's his breath. It is cold outside.

lacrimus +0 -0
Here is what happened when I bought my first pack of condoms:

It was eleven thirty at night. I was standing on the family planning aisle at Wal-Mart, and I was terrified. I'd never done this before. There were so many choices, and the wrong one could end up with either
a)babies
or
b)unsatisfying sex
As I stood at the wall, a woman walked onto the aisle. She was a rather plump woman, with large hair. She glided through the aisle, and we made eye contact. She saw where I was standing, smiled warmly, and nodded once. She reached up, grabbed an industrial size of Vagisil, and waltzed away.
After that, I lost all fear. I bought my condoms. Much sex happened.

theirateturk +0 -0
People who are fagging up assetbar are super douchebags :/

mangtastic +0 -0
Indeed, although I would not use the term "fagging" because it is the time-honored pastime of my hometown.

re5urgam +0 -0
Explanation?

rowboat +0 -0
Hey! I'm from The Castro, too! We should do a thing.

maurice +0 -0
Comment left by maurice ignored.

lacrimus +0 -0
I did not intend to fag up assetbar. The internet exploded. My post went with it, somehow four times.

fresco +0 -0
I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

fresco +0 -0
I want to first post. I want this because this is assetbar. I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

fresco +0 -0
I want to first post. I want this because this is assetbar. I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

jonmw +1 -0
This is like running up that infinite staircase in Super Mario 64 or something

Didn't stop me from trying for about 15 minutes

cracklewater +0 -0
Also, it makes quite an interesting negative space in which to place comments. Now, if only I could think of something worthwhile to say...

soup_alex +0 -0
Um.

[size=unquantifiable]BOOBIES![/unsize]

fresco +0 -0
I want to first post. I want this because this is assetbar. I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

fresco +0 -1
I want to first post. I want this because this is assetbar. I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

mehighlow +0 -0
Hi Fresco. Bye Fresco.

mangtastic +0 -0
An ocean of grey text repeating "Comment left by fresco ignored" is all that is left in the wake.

lolsworth +0 -0
FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOU

vance +0 -0
What the hell kind of price is that for a pack of condoms? I'm beginning to hate Los Angeles. Or my crotch, not sure. It's easy to get the two mixed up.

farqussus +0 -0
Calling it your crotch is a bad start.

daidai +0 -0
Calling your crotch Los Angeles is worse.

vance +0 -0
It was a comparison, and I feel it was a fair one. Then again, I live downtown. And not in a IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN way.

flazisismuss +0 -0
If that's all that's causing you to hate Los Angeles yet, prepare for a lifetime of further disappointment. It's so very full of ways of making you hate it. And I say that with only fondness.

vance +0 -0
What the hell kind of price is that for a pack of condoms? I'm beginning to hate Los Angeles. Or my crotch, not sure. It's easy to get the two mixed up.

farqussus +0 -0
Calling it your crotch is a bad start.

vance +0 -0
What the hell kind of price is that for a pack of condoms? I'm beginning to hate Los Angeles. Or my crotch, not sure. It's easy to get the two mixed up.

deusoma +1 -0
The chubbies don't work, good people are getting multiposted out of their dignity, what the hell is wrong with Assetbar today?

saulbellow +0 -0
I twied to chub you a givvie but it dinit wuhk

saulbellow +0 -0
oopth, bubble toast!

rowboat +0 -0
What "good" people?

vance +0 -0
Yeah, I feel pretty bad. I posted, it didn't post, so I hit the post button again twice. Ugly scene, man.

farqussus +0 -0
Calling it your crotch is a bad start.

lynnym +0 -0
I remember being a cashier. The only thing worse than condoms was lube...and in the end, it wasn't that bad anyway. As long as the customer didn't bring it up. Which they sometimes did.

fresco +0 -0
I want to first post. I want this because this is assetbar. I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Fresco.

nonamejoe +0 -0
Beef comes to a Conclusion.

achtung +0 -0
grampas need wiping. when you're a grampa, sometimes things happen.

ike +0 -0
first post?

slackaholicus +0 -0
Dammit, Onstad! Now everyone's going to call me Dingo.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

rowboat +2 -1
I want to trust you....but I just can't. Sorry. We've been conditioned not to trust strangers anymore. Suffice it to say, if I log in tomorrow to an AIU-less board I will believe you and love you forever.

rowboat +1 -1
Quote:

A comment left by rowboat was marked lame too many times and excluded.
(marked lame by assetbar_admin)

Paranoia: JUSTIFIED

i_love_kate +1 -0
He's fantasising. No Assetbar administrator would ever care enough about this board to give a shit about anything that AIU could ever do.

I guess it's a little sad. But in a hilarious way.

assetbar-admin +0 -0
Comment left by assetbar-admin ignored.

stereo +0 -0
Like to thank that AIU douche for ruining something I used to enjoy.

stereo +0 -0
That is, reading through the comments without having to *Ignore User* 8-10 times.

cracklewater +1 -0
Careful, if you let him know he annoyed you, you might give him a tiny, tiny hard-on.

stereo +0 -0
If I give him the tiniest handjob will he stop bothering me?

cracklewater +0 -0
A sharp rap with a cane might do the trick.

mattylite +0 -0
This begs the age old question of what a "tiny hand job" is. Is it a handjob from someone with tiny hands? Or is it a very short handjob?

stereo +0 -0
Some sort of scale manipulator I guess so my normal size hands move a tiny little hand proportionally to its size. If I had any tiny hands I'd use them.

wazza +0 -0
Quaid... start the manipulator...

howl +0 -0
Perhaps a handjob for a tiny penis?

rowboat +0 -0
This one's onto you, matty.

lolsworth +0 -0
I can't decide between the Smith & Carnabus and the Jolly Squire. Although since I will almost never see a vagina, it's probably moot.

lolsworth +0 -0
Almost certainly never oh FUCK EVERYTHING

i_love_kate +0 -0
It sure is sad about Schultz taking you with him.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Can't even simper correctly anymore, can ye lad?

greenkoolayd +0 -0
meh. roast beef is paranoid. weve been over this.....

nickrnot +0 -0
If you look closely, the clerk's eybrows and head angle suggest his emotions are different between the three grey panels.

In the real sitiuation, there are no eyebrows. Is the clerk caring what you buy just a figment of beef's imagination?
However, the clerk's head is townturned like in the depressing elevator panel. Perhaps he knows.

agentcimorene +0 -0
Character growth? In my Achewood?

I had to buy condoms once when I was seventeen. I went to two convenience stores in the same intersection and had to go to an CVS pharmacy. Not embarrassed, everything is cool, until a guy who knew my mom and sister from church and his son used to soccer with my boyfriend AND regularly had dinner with my boyfriend's parents got in line behind me. I grabbed two boxes of cheese its to hide condoms from that guy and pretended I didn't know him. I never heard anything about it so I think everything worked out.

cheese +0 -0
I don't mean to be mean but just my first impression based on your cultural background is that the idea of sex with you at 17 might be as attractive as the idea of sex with George W. Bush's daughters, (both at the same time, even) or Cheney's daughter Mary, the lesbian. And I am always hot for lesbians so that's saying a lot.

However, if there were boxes of cheese involved in the sex act, then we might be able to get along.

agentcimorene +0 -0
Cultural background? My mom's German/French redneck from Arizona and my dad is a Viet Nam vet hillbilly from Kentucky. My mom's the more religious one but very liberal, and my dad loves Ross Perot and Nixon. I don't know what I am but my sister said if I was smoked pot I'd be a hippy.

It's odd to think about my "cultural" background because at times I don't feel like I can connect to or relate to any culture.

52 +0 -0
Culture is the summation of your beliefs, ideas, and learned behaviors. We all have culture.

wazza +0 -0
I have culture between my toes

cheese +0 -0
i don't think that Onstad knows that the free assetbar is fucking up. his username ("Onstad") isn't in the list of people who have auto-magically lamed assetbar_admin (for more about that see the post by assetbar-admin towards the top of this page)

when the pay assetbar was hacked the other day, they disabled the chubby/lame function within a few hours. it would be no trouble to do the same for the free assetbar, but they haven't done that yet.

cheese +1 -0
holy shit look at this:

gladi8orrex » neu 1 years ago
lol gladbags r deh only trashbags i no dat are white insted of deh usewell black. glad's ceo is prob black
reply :: Comment rated 293 Chubbies and 0 Lames (marked as spam 0 times)
Rate this Comment: Chubby Lame Mark as Spam *Ignore User*

gladi8orrex +0 -0
lol. chuppied for to you mentioned me

cheese +0 -0
thanks for the chuppy although in this crazy bubble chuppy economy it's hard to know anymore what is the value of a chuppy or lame.

I am ending the chuppie/lame hack in a few hours from now when gladi8orrex's total chuppy count reches over 9000. only 1800 chuppies to go.

mikeleffel2 +0 -0
oh i would love those to be recurring characters, and mingling with the garage sale folks.

boheeka +0 -0
I worked as a cashier in a grocery store a couple summers back. Condoms were by no means the worst thing I ever saw. I had no idea that we sold enemas or that anyone even used enemas anymore (outside of the bizarre sex contingent) until someone brought one through my check-out lane (definitely had to specify the kind of lane in that sentence as the phrase "brought an enema through my lane" is wont to encourage scurrilous thoughts.) The one time someone bought a pack of condoms, they didn't bother to obfuscate and it was, in fact, accompanied only by the largest case of our cheapest beer.

cheese +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]

misteralways +0 -2
Damn, son, I just don't get why anybody's still worried about buying rubbers. I mean, everyone's havin' sex nowadays.

Except anyone who posts on *chan.

deusoma +0 -0
I just noticed that all of these guys are Beef with various accessories added. Weird.

aki +0 -0
Oh. My. Yes. Thank you for providing this fine distraction on the way to the grave, Mr. Onstad.

thechops +0 -0
Clerk still knowin'...
Thinking, "look at this punk-ass fool when does he bone? I bet never. What a punk-ass fool."

clawringcrabe +0 -0
I would buy a t-shirt with a little key on it that says "Daikon Club" - I joined just to tell you this.

deus +0 -0
You mean....i share my personal problems with shop clerks?

sje46 +0 -0
Everytime I come to visit my old Alma Mater, Assetbar , something's always going down.

I remember when I first came on, you guys thought I was AIU. This guy has been trolling this site for that long.

52 +0 -0
there have been that many exploitable technical flaws in assetbar. I think this is it now though. they're probably all patched.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
huuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggsssssssssss

onepumpchump +0 -0
"everything short of a shotgun in the mouth"

Damn.