agentj +5 -1
Inner fucked guy. This helps me a bunch. I can save so much time with this in the everyday...

drskradley +0 -0
A comment left by drskradley was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, waddie, shaggy23, perhapsmaybe, trawser)

neonaoneo +6 -1
Sorry to reply to a far up comment to be seen assetbar, and I'll duly take the lames for it.

But HOW is this comic lower rated than yesterdays? WHY ASSETBAR?

You have let the world down. You don't make the sex team. Cut.

achilleselbow +3 -1
I think it can be explained by three words: Horse. Dogg. Maniac.

irondave +1 -0
Yesterday's had all those unbelievably stellar new phrases, led, as achilleselbox points out, by "Horse Dogg Maniac." This one is great, but does not have the repeated and sustained awesomeness of yesterday's. This is my explanation.

kamet +0 -0
I will say, however that "What's cookin' and What's for sale!" Is a pretty awesome statement.

kamet +1 -0
*Correction.. "What's cookin' and what's for sale?"

blastradius +4 -0
Is this arc going to place where Roast Beef earns himself a fortune? I hope so, even if he loses that fortune somewhere down the line, because in the short-term it can only mean two extremely interesting writing challenges for Onstad:

1. What sort of additional angst and guilt and dread would such a fortune confer upon Roast Beef.

2. How would Roast Beef's success affect his relationship with Ray? Ray who is too used to being the success in the neighbourhood, the alpha cat. Would he find it in himself to not be threatened, to congratulate honestly his old friend? Or would it breed resentment and jealousy in that old cat?

achilleselbow +0 -1
What did you do.

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately +0 -0
A comment left by dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by NeoNaoNeo, Deusoma, MadMangosteen, Jhunter, atticusonline, shades, anewcede, deovalente, Sunshine, echidnaboy, I_Love_Kate)

drskradley +1 -0
No one else could do this but you.

the parents will kill me at night. they will kill me

alreadyinuse +0 -1
wow Hamlet in UTube speak lol

autrepoupee +1 -0
what a bitch

achilleselbow +1 -1
But...but who was the original killer?

farqussus +2 -0
TEIR OLDER SISTRES DINT THEY TEL U? OMFG

johnnyrocker +2 -0
IT WAS ME!

(it was not me.)

opprobrium +0 -0
quite lying.

bubble +1 -0
an endless chain of death and suffering... who would wish that upon the world?

Disgusting.

invidious +0 -0
A comment left by invidious was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by tekende, snidedk, Doc_Rostov, Panserbjorne)

atticusonline +0 -0
Zing!

earendil +1 -0
I've seen this exact one before. Come on, Horatio, be a little more creative with your sources. Something on the obscurity level of Roy Orbison Wrapped in Clingfilm would be perfect.

margargaret +0 -0
What? Roy Orbison wrapped in cling film is not obscure.

lawbot +1 -0
Every day you reveal a weirder aspect of yourself to assetbar.

margargaret +0 -0
No seriously. It is a pretty well know internet meme, as compared to a poorly written chain-mail letter.

lawbot +0 -0
I have only seen it here, and I have been wallowing in the filth of the internet for about a decade.

achilleselbow +1 -0
You've been wallowing in the wrong kind of filth. I too am a longtime fan of Ulli's Roy Orbison in Cling-film site . If you mean to say that you've only seen the references here and not the site, you should promptly visit. He even wrote a novel:

"The book is a paperback of 192 pages long. However, it should be pointed out that for reasons of neatness three of those pages are completely blank and devoid of writing. I think it is best to be honest about that up front as whenever I read a book I am always disappointed when I encounter blank pages and feel cheated and suspect the author of being a bungler who could not think of any words to put upon those pages. But in my case at least that is not the case and I could have filled many, many tomes with my stories of Roy in clingfilm. If the sheer wastefulness of the blank pages bothers you, you should do as I do and draw pictures on them or tear them out and use them to write notes to your terrapin."

tekende +0 -0
Wow. What the hell. That is...I read the first story on that site. It's either brilliant or completely retarded; I am not sure which.

In conclusion:

why would someone think of that though
why would someone think of that

yingkaixing +0 -0
I reacted the exact same way.

After finishing the first story, I closed the tab and my mind's eye and will never reopen either.

cromar +0 -0
I loved it. I probably shouldn't... but I do .

pogo +1 -0
I hope the book comes wrapped in clingfilm.

earendil +0 -1
ooh,it's so meta. roy orbison wrapped in clingfilm wrapped in clingfilm. (virtual chubby to you)

unquotable +0 -0
aww dr_manflesh changed his picca

i_love_kate +4 -0
God, don't chubby this just because Dr. Manflesh is sudenly flavour of the month. He posted the same thing on two other strips that I can think of, and I make no bones about laming him for his lack of imagination.

chrissketch +21 -1
Only on the Achewood Assetbar is trolling not seen as merely an annoyance, but a sort of ongoing performance art competition. A proving ground for hibrow griefers. Some are lauded by the community. Some are spurned.

Manflesh here, has clearly gained favor with his found-object spam style. What would be ignored on YouTube or deleted from your inbox, is given new context and becomes unclear as to whether it is genuine trolling, or a satire of internet culture.

dr_strangeglove +1 -0
that was...that was very well said.

johnnyrocker +2 -0
Whether or not you enjoy his art is up to you.
And the chubbying that people do is just their way of showing their support. You can't really tell people what kind of art not to like.

Even if it's really silly.

i_love_kate +3 -0
This is art at it's broadest definition. Like, the definition that also encompasses the act of flipping burgers at McDonalds or peeling gum from the bottoms of tables so that it stays in one homogenous lump that is easily disposed of.

And I posted that because I thought that maybe less people would be as enthusiastic about it if they knew that he was repeating himself.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I think people chubby him because he is such an enigmatic figure and posts so rarely that they are glad just to catch a glimpse of him, like the elusive giant squid or three-legged hopping owl.

drskradley +0 -0
I certainly think that is a major part of it - the same as how, once something has a few chubbies or lames, many people will contribute to that tally purely because the significant amount bids them to.

In this regard, if he were to give us more of his background - say, if he were to actually do the HandFacePose thing - we would lose a little bit of interest.

But is this a bad thing? I personally enjoy the character he's portraying. Some will find at least some of what he posts as art, and some won't. Others will simply find the meta-character entertaining, like myself.

And then, of course, there's the fact that delving so deeply into it is kinda ruining it. But also not. What?

achilleselbow +1 -0
The thing is he's broken character before , but not many people probably remember those.

drskradley +0 -0
Perhaps he's learned from these mistakes.

It's the evolution of the character.

This is giving him far more credit than he's surely due.

johnnyrocker +0 -1
Man flipping burgers is a job, not an art.
But if you just went into a random McDonalds and started flipping burgers, you could call that art.

And there's actually precedent for "found poetry."
It is an established art form.

lawbot +1 -0
An established form...of turd.

softerworld +1 -0
Are you implying that something must be established as art to be considered art? If someone thinks something is art, who are we to tell them they're wrong? Must there really be some universal, objective definition of 'art'?

achilleselbow +0 -0
As someone who's here because he's been putting off writing a 20-page paper on aesthetics all weekend...

YES.

At the very least, the author has to intend to create art. If you scroll down to the bottom, there is a portion of a chat where Manflesh admits that he just posts random crap to annoy people and thinks it's hilarious that we fall all over ourselves interpreting him. It's very revealing.

cromar +0 -0
Or is it revealing?

It is true that someone must have creative intent to make art. Really, this is the only criterion. Aesthetics comes into play when you are considering is this good art? Tons of shit is art to the fullest just crappy (like the Hirst skull).

numberkillinger +1 -0
Has it not been painfully obvious that he just posts random crap? It is sometimes funny, sure, but it is embarrassing to watch people desperately licking at his balls, trying to define his "art".

cromar +0 -0
YES HYPNO..TOAD...

honestly I haven't been around to see much of it .

falseprophet +0 -0
If I have ever ball-lickingly tried to define his art, I did so ironically. I figured (correctly, it seems) it was postmodern writing of a Bulles-shittres tradition and responded from the school of that critical theory in kind.

talix18 +0 -0
Isn't this the intentional fallacy, though? One can never truly know the creator's intent; even a creator who volunteers his intent may be lying. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the experience of art is more about the observer than the creator.

How'd the paper turn out?

achilleselbow +1 -0
The whole intentional fallacy thing was originally a very specific recommendation regarding interpretations of the work, but now "the author's intent doesn't matter" has become somewhat of a meme. My point is that, yes, one is free to interpret a work however they like regardless of an author's particular stated intent (though some interpretations are less valid than others). But this can itself only be done after you've decided that it's a work of art in the first place, and I think the best way to decide this is to look at whether the work was created with the general intent of being art (regardless of what the particular artistic intent was). So when Duchamp mounts a urinal on a wall at an art exhibition, you can indeed say that's art (whether good or bad) because it has that intent behind it. But if he just puts his garbage out on the curb to be picked up and you stand there and marvel at it as art, I'd say you're making a mistake.

From the wiki entry on found art:
"Found art derives significance from the designation placed upon it by the artist. The context into which it is placed (e.g. a gallery or museum) is usually also a highly relevant factor. Found art, however, has to have the artist's input, at the very least an idea about it, i.e. the artist's designation of the object as art, which is nearly always reinforced with a title. There is mostly also some degree of modification of the object, although not to the extent that it cannot be recognised."

So maybe you can argue that Manflesh is taking stuff like spam and slash and putting it into a different context. The tricky part is deciding whether it really is a different context. On the one hand, internet forums are precisely the place where stuff like this normally gets posted, so you can say the context is the same. On the other hand, you can say this forum is different from those others because we're somewhat more intelligent and use proper grammar, and Manflesh is mocking that very assumption by posting stuff that's clearly out of place. I'd say it might have been art when he used to present Star Trek slash fiction as the alt text, but if he just posts stuff without any setup or context, then probably not. It's hard to say because the Internet blurs the line between everyday life and the kind of non-practical medium-based activity that we normally associate with art. Is the hastily photoshopped buggery found on these boards art, or is it just the new form of communication?

alreadyinuse +0 -1
But what if I put garbage out on the curb with the intent of it being art? And what if I put 'art' up on a museum wall with the intent of it being garbage?

Also you can show art to a despicably average and uneducated person, and she may not recognize it as art, conversely, what *is* art for her may be for you despicably average tripe, and not art.

Likewise, you can show what you consider to be art to a billy goat, and it may just eat it. Which raises the question - What does a billy goat consider to be art?

I think that my pet cat considers my laser pointer to be art. He seems quite fascinated by it.

I think the artistic quality of dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately's posts is not so much the posts themselves, but the interaction of dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately with the other board users. If one of the regular and well-liked-and-without-a-dumbass-dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately-avitar contributors posted the same posts as dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately, well, I don't think people would take so much notice. I think the fact that he refuses normal social interaction is, in fact, the most germane quality of his artwork.

hamscout +1 -0
alreadyinuse, I have decided that the last paragraph of your statement is art.

It will henceforth be judged thusly.

My feelings on this asset are: Pro.

drskradley +0 -0
For art like that, I would like to crack a chubby in your direction, but a v-chub will have to suffice. As always. *sigh*

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately +0 -0
look guys, i'm just saying what everybody already knows full well to be true. that's all i'm doing.

numberkillinger +0 -0
OMG! dat was tru!!!? no way, lol ima gonna post that on sooooo many utube vids! i dont wanna die lol!!

alreadyinuse +0 -1
I think dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately is being meta. possibly even zeta.

talix18 +0 -0
I'm willing to concede that I may be mis-remembering the application of "the intentional fallacy" - it's been a long time since philosophy of art.

gmm +2 -0
I'm with this man. In fact, I've gone so far as to place Dr Manflesh on my ignore list. Ignoring is a special thing. It is a special thing you do when you want to someone to NOT TALK EVER AGAIN.

biff +2 -0
Long, long ago was this poster placed on ignore.

And periodically I click on his posts to read them despite the ignore, and I discover that continuing to ignore him is still the correct choice.

----------------

As far as the "art" thing goes, I used to have discussions along these lines with an artist friend of mine:

"Did you see [insert film name here]?"

"No, and I don't plan to see it."

"You have to see it! It is a masterpiece !!"

"Maybe so, but it is a masterpiece in a genre I find wholly unappealing."

"But you might actually like this one. It is a MASTERPIECE !!!!"

"I am willing to take that chance."

gmm +0 -0
Man, you'd think he'd have got that you just weren't into scat after the first conversation like that huh?

cromar +1 -0
Shooby-do-wop-a-dee-day. Sheyah.

gmm +0 -0
Oh VERY good sir. A chubby for your wit.

lawbot +0 -0
YES

alreadyinuse +0 -0
A comment left by alreadyinuse was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by blastradius, hedonismbot, snidedk)

ixalarx +0 -0
tl;dr

i_love_kate +0 -0
(Psst... Someone already has a Weighted Companion Cube avatar.)

ixalarx +0 -0
If you don't like Dr. Manflesh, what chance do I have?

hellofyellin +0 -0
Goddamn your chairman avatar is amazing.

octafish +0 -0
Hey I've been away for a couple of days and your posts/rants are paragraphed! Thank you so much!
I am sincere.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
yeah I think the medication is starting to work

norrin +0 -0
Suddenly? Manflesh has been in the upper stratosphere of chubbiedness since I can remember. The chubbies have not changed. Two things have changed; The assetbar responses condemning his actions have turned into responses praising him, and The Silent Detractors (I hope I am remembering that right as I didn't come up with it) have stopped laming him. Which is wierd because as far as I can tell they have not turned to chubbying him, but have seemingly just called a truce and left him be.

dapooka +1 -0
Dang - I miss a week, and I come back to hand-face avatars and the eternal Manflash: Art or Not? rant.

At first I thought he was a troll. Then I was extremely amused by the sheer audacity and comedic timing of his efforts. I thought, like many, perhaps something more is going on here.

Now? Hell of confused and disappointed. He just ain't as amusing any more. Dare I say it?

YES (to coin a phrase)

Dr. Manflesh has jumped the shark.

...oh, and does anyone know where I can pick up a digital camera cheap? My last one is busted... no hand-face avataricon for me yet.

numberkillinger +0 -0
I AM NOT ANGRY MANFLESH (dr).
JUST DISAPPOINTED.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
I was too lazy to follow the links provided by achieleselbow (weird, I almost typed achielesheel) but I finally did because there are no new posts to read here.

And wow! I got a lot of insight into dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person. As I read the posts, I thought to myself "wow! this is a lot of insight into dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person!"

I also thought to myself

Quote:

"wow! This might be all we ever know about dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person! If he goes wacko and shoots a bunch of people, these posts might be invaluable to a world goated on by CNN and FOX into asking the question 'why'd he do it?'"

And I also thought to myself

Quote:

"or for that matter if he becomes famous and wealthy from his Assetbar posts, he might be a recluse and never give interviews or anything like that for his fans, so these posts might be all we ever come to know about dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person!"

Quote:

So anyway, my analysis of dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately is that he is intelligent and he seems like a nice guy, but for whatever reason he doesn't seem to be too successful in his interactions with the world, indeed, there is even a sense of hating the world a-la-Pat, of being ANGRY at it.

I think that dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person is probably also angry at Assetbar -- Angry about not being understood and about a community that has a surplus of fucking idiot damaged teenagers who think that their own tripe mono-syllabic humor is all that matters and who cannot read even two sentences into one of his own serious postings without losing track of reality and laming it and condescending to it.

So in the final analysis, dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person has turned inward to his own humor, to his own introverted postings which are appreciated by those with a sense similar to his own, and he has turned away from otherwise interacting with the Assetbar community. It would seem that perhaps dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person has no life, for he continues to post here without any real interaction. Is the random and occasional positive comment on his postings enough for him? Perhaps. Or perhaps he simply has no life, no other community to inhabit. Perhaps for all the inbriated morons on Assetbar, and his inability to 'fit in,' it may still be the best and most interesting place for dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately the person to hang out.

It could also be that he's loopy pickins.

As a service to the Assetbar community, please enjoy now the posts of dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately:

manflesh

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately » neu 10 months ago
Quote:

so you don't think it's funny to worry that your best friend will change as a result of getting married...because then you won't have anybody to tell about stuff getting shot in the head?

it's too bad (but not a surprise) that the strips with more conventional humor--either jokes about smoking pot or drinking, or cutesy stuff with phillipe, or ray butchering west-coast slang, also some of the "macho" humor like the great outdoor fight and the badass games and the "ha ha that dude is crazy" humor involving nice pete--get higher scores, but the pre-2003 strips that are more surprising in their format get much lower ratings, and plenty of confused or negative comments. i am very happy with the "delete this forum" idea, because many of the loudest people on this comment forum are the ones who have the most standard, webcomicky tastes, and i really hope chris onstad isn't trying to cater to people's tastes by looking at these scores; i get that he's got to make a living, but the earlier, less predictable strips were really something special, and the more recent, more highly-praised-on-this-forum strips are more like other webcomics, just better-written.

man fleshhh

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately » neu 7 months ago
Quote:

i grew up in portland and basically all of portland is one big achewood tattoo. achewood is really funny sometimes but believe me that living a city which is a big achewood tattoo gets really, really old.

man fleshkins

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately » neu 7 months ago
Quote:

ray's behavior in this strip is the way that bored frat boys from rich families act. do you notice that, of the three people ray does a fuck-you to in this strip, the last two of them are working shitty minimum wage (or less, in the case of the boy with the petition) jobs that they probably hate, while the first one is at least working hard and doing something rather tedious to try to get his votes? and ray tells them "fuck you" for inconveniencing him, when ray doesn't work for a living at all--what kind of inconvenience is it to ray to be asked to sign a petition? where is ray going that is so important? there's been a lot of talk of college majors in this thread: doesn't ray's behavior today make you think of the sense of entitlement (and willingness to say fuck you to anybody who has to work hard to pay the bills) that fratty, college-aged children of rich families often have?

i have a hard time finding today's strip funny because i've had one too many experiences with young men, and even a few young women, who think it's really smart and rebellious to act the way that ray is acting today. unfortunately i think today's strip is a little too realistic for me--maybe others also feel that way.

fleshy man

Quote:

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately » neu 10 months ago
i have learned from experience that anything i say here which i think is genuinely funny gets marked as spam and anything i say which i think is kind of tame and something a tv sitcom writer would come up with, that gets a bunch of chubbies. DR. MANFLESH, ALWAYS ON THE CUTTING EDGE!!

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately » neu 10 months ago
Quote:

the cutting edge of will smith's wiener, i mean

achilleselbow +0 -0
Man, come on, this is a bit much. I only put the links there in response to someone saying that Manflesh never breaks character. I don't think even he would enjoy being the target of such analysis. Plus, the "has no life" argument is a bit lame, seeing as how you've expressed the same hostility towards assetbar and yet continue to post here anyway, far more often than he does. Tu quoque and all that.

alreadyinuse +0 -1
Sorry for the pages of quotes... I just figured I'd facilitate the exploration of the topic, since I know some people who might have something interesting to say might not otherwise go read those posts.

You can take my analysis as an attack on him, or maybe as just rude or impolite, but I don't know for sure if he would take it as such. I think he mostly wouldn't, except perhaps for the part where I say he's got a dysfunctional relationship with the world and he has no life. He might take offense to that, especially if it's a valid theory. I'm just not very diplomatic in how I say things sometimes.

In the past, I myself would take offense or at least exception to the notion that I have a fucked up relationship with the world and that I harbor resulting generalized and misplaced hostility and anger. Lately, however, I am able to see things more clearly, and indeed, while I can't say for sure if it applies to him, I can say it has generally applied to myself over the years.

It's not that I'm fully and psychotically in the grips of this aforementioned dysfunction all the time, like the guy on Office Space whose stapler gets stolen. Even as it has permiated my life, sometimes peaking in irrational fits of anger, depression, hostility, or egocentrism, I have simultaneously had a general ongoing awareness of it.

For comedic inspiration, I oftentimes draw on my personal experience of this maniacal dysfunction and the personal culture which results from it, and I even extrapolate this psychosis to it's logical (illogical?) extreme end of the spectrum of possibility.

I think that my performance humor sometimes makes some people uncomfortable or simply turns some people off. Not everyone is ready for a window into the mind of insanity. To a large extent, that's often what my humor is. I'd say I see that in his humor as well.

For the record, the real me doesn't have any hostility towards Assetbar the forum engine nor towards Assetbar the community. It is what it is. It could be better and it could be worse, but hey, that's life. Every last one of us tries (not always successfully) to do the best we can with the tools we have, and it's the journey that's beautiful.

There is and will be other things in life for all of us, but for a few moments, here we are, playing a contrived game with contrived rules, and taking it very seriously, as children always take their games. If you don't take it seriously, then you aren't paying attention!

tekende +0 -0
You know, it's entirely possible that Manflesh the person does have a life. After all, his account is such that he can only post once per day, and he doesn't even post that often. So I think we can assume he's not spending all of his time on Assetbar.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Unlike, from what I can tell, alreadyinuse.

farqussus +0 -0
What kind of account can only post once a day? Will an enormous lame count limit you even if your chubby ratio cancels it out?

fineoakstructure +0 -0
neonfreon, an oft-lamed poster, posted a while back that because of his high lame count, he can only post once per day (or maybe once per strip?). Assuming this is true, the same thing could've happened to Manny Anny. I don't recall him ever saying that explictly, though, like neonfreon did.

Then again, I rarely read any manflesh post longer than a few sentences. Not that I dislike the guy or anything, but if you've seen one subversive, intelligent pseudo-troll, you've kind of seen them all. It's kind of 1997 to me.

Plus no one tops Phat Dragon .

snidedk +4 -0
So is their sex team going to play in pickup events only, or is there some sort of ladder?

agentj +33 -0
Maybe it's a fantasy league.

unsentletter +5 -0
SIGN UP NOW FOR YAHOO! FANTASY SEX TEAMS

drskradley +2 -2
The difficult choice becomes whether choose a well-established and battle-hardy veteran Rutter or a spritely up-and-comer.

Heh. "Up-and-comer" Well, shee-uht.

dangelder +0 -0
e-sexTeam.

dangelder +0 -0
e- sexTeam.

I had to do that one again because it was unreadable.

gmm +1 -0
I don't know, it's not the same game since they started disqualifying players diagnosed with nymphomania

duskbringer +27 -0
The phone rang while Ray was talking to an imaginary phone friend. There's no such thing as sex teams or Kev.

octafish +1 -0
I didn't see that before, but now I see it can be no other way.

drskradley +1 -0
The boobs are absolutely right.

odei +0 -0
That's kinda sad, but probably true. Hmm, I 5'd it for the first panel, maybe I gotta think about this.

starla +2 -0
We've seen Kev before though!

So I guess the hierarchy of who Ray would rather talk to runs: Roast Beef > Kev > Pat
?
I'd probably do the same, actually.

professorhazard +6 -0
The real question is, would Ray rather have an imaginary phone conversation than be forced to talk to Pat. Reading the comic you linked to with eyes that can never read today's comic the same way again, I am forced to not only believe that that is the case, but that it should have been patently obvious from the get-go. I mean, really, who the hell wants to talk to Pat, ever?

octafish +0 -0
Great minds Dogg, great minds...

quaga +0 -0
However, would Ray concoct such an elaborate scheme when he could just say "Pat, shut up. You're a dick." and be done with it? Besides, if he was trying to annoy Pat, he'd be talking about getting his bone on.

octafish +0 -0
Still doesn't mean Kev is real. Ray may have just preferred a fake conversation on the phone while driving over talking to Pat.
I'd probably do the same, actually.

spinynorman +0 -0
Well, you two boys are gonna have to fight it out, now.

dallovich +0 -0
Based on Ray's expression in the third panel, his eyebrows, and the way he is dressed, I'd guess he is out somewhere trying to impress random people with his fake conversation.

octafish +0 -0
Yesssssssss!

eatmorekix +3 -0
kev is ray's cousin. see alt-text on this strip:

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222004

skrizach +0 -0
But he told Beef that it was an email from Bono so fact remains, Kev might be imaginary.

eatmorekix +0 -0
....the point is that ray was lying about talking to bono.

eatmorekix +0 -0
there's also this:

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=12102002

spinynorman +2 -0
I'm waiting until Kev and Samuel H. Invisible visit the unearthly remains of Woman-Man and Mr. Tears and suicide.

Montmartre will have yet more grim tidings to bring to Mr. Beef.

blastradius +0 -0
Holy amazing memory, batgirl!

varnish +0 -0
Perhaps Ray is the main lunatic of the land.

neonaoneo +0 -0
*ba dum tch*

thorfinn +0 -0
I took Ron Jeremy with my first pick

laserblade +0 -0
I kind of figure it's like a bikini team.

chuvak +0 -0
A comment left by chuvak was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by lawbot, Thorfinn, storableprawn)

thorfinn +3 -0
No, no you didn't, there is no pic bad enough that a distorted neckbeard is better.

chuvak +0 -1
I will take that as a challenge my friend. You should have seen the old putin pic.

thorfinn +0 -0
I saw the Putin pic, and the neckbeard pic is exactly 147.285 times worse.

circadin +1 -0
I don't think there are any events. There's just a sex team.

circadin +0 -2
Perhaps there's more to it than I previously thought:

[url=https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=team sex]Urban Dictionary elaborates[/url]

circadin +0 -2
[url=https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=team sex/]Hurrr[/url]

circadin +1 -2
Anyone help a brotha out?

octafish +22 -0

Fuck the machine!
[url]https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=team sex[/url]

octafish +1 -0
AAAAAAAAAARGH!
I am BBCode's punk!

ravindra108 +2 -0
I'll take a stab at it...
Team Sex

ravindra108 +0 -0
Damn it... I gotta read on before opening my big mouth.

maximus +0 -0
The best play/movie for lines!
"All train compartments smell vaguely of shit."
"Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."
"Coffee's for closers only."

terebikun +0 -0
"Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker?"

hamscout +0 -0
GO HOME!

octafish +1 -0
My absolute favorite is "Boots"
and from the film only
"What's my name? Fuck You! Thats my name".

blueloggy +0 -0
WILL you GO to LUNCH!

hamscout +0 -0
aww dammit I even quoted it wrong.
*lames self*

woodenteeth +0 -0
second best hand face avacon ever!

octafish still owns.

synnah +0 -0
[url=https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=team sex]A winner is me?[/url]

synnah +0 -0
NOOOOOO

brokeaccount +3 -0
Possible booyah

brokeaccount +1 -0
HE SHOOTS HE SCORES I AM KING OF ASSETBAR

brokeaccount +0 -0
Ahem.

falseprophet +0 -0
I don't understand how you succeeded where so many others failed. What did you do differently?

achilleselbow +10 -1
He paid attention.

synnah +1 -0
I believe I forgot the quotes around the URL. 'Team sex' has a space in it that would confuse assetbar into thinking it's not a real URL.

Ah, would that I realised this before posting.

brokeaccount +2 -0
Nah, no quotes. You're right about the space though. The magic ingredient is %20 (I'm not sure that'll display correctly on assetbar, if not, it's a percent sign and then the number 20) which replaces the space.

circadin +0 -0
I am humbled.

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Kitty loaf!!!

catgrl131 +1 -0
Oh, man, with your avicon.... Kit-ty kit-ty loaf! Mommy will keep you safe from the big bad goblin-monkeys! Come, kit-ty kit-ty...

chuvak +0 -0
"Learn how to use these". Click on it.

zedpower +0 -0
I wonder if there's a uniform or just a tattoo.

numberkillinger +1 -0
just team sex hats.

drskradley +3 -0
Sex helmets.

cantilever +1 -0
Purple Helmet Warri-ors!

chuvak +0 -0
"So, big sex game this weekend. Wanna come to my house and buff helmets?"

achilleselbow +0 -1
I was trying to find that pbf comic where the woman tells her tiny boyfriend to put on his penis-shaped helmet, but I think it got taken down.

circadin +0 -0
!!!

You're right! That is very strange.

achilleselbow +0 -1
He said something in an interview about how he took down some of the comics he didn't like.

odei +0 -0
Boo to that!

farqussus +0 -0
yeah! boo! since when does the artists opinion of his own work count for a damn?

norrin +0 -0
If it's one thing I learned in "Critical Approaches to Literature" it's that the artists intent doesn't matter in any way.

That class annoyed me to no end.

woodenteeth +2 -0
The only reason this class existed was to jam in all the opinions of all the self important critics that were proved wrong conclusively by the authors some how.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Maybe, but you've got to love Liberal Humanism.

odei +0 -0
I am just disappointed because I think all the strips are good or great.

odei +0 -0
Plus I thought he was done with them and they were just going to sit there but now they're disappearing. It's kinda like if J.K. Rowling asked everyone to send back Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

farqussus +0 -0
i have about half of them in my pics folder anyway. i'd have got them all if knew

thegoodwillgirl +1 -0
I would say "No, J.K. Rowling, I will kill you now."
And then I would kill her, because really, what else do I need her for now?

hanrahahanrahan +0 -0
dude, you put your picture on the internet! This means people will be able to hack your bank account and set up credit cards in your name!

numberkillinger +7 -0
YOU WILL ALL FORGET WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN

cromar +0 -0
Welcome back Mr. To..a.......d.....

woodenteeth +1 -0
I will all forget what you have seen.

Wait.

kamet +1 -0
Ooo! My favorite show is on!

kamet +3 -0
I hope there's uniforms. Sex in uniforms is just somehow... dirtier. Like, you'll muss your outfit, or get schmutz on it.. it adds the element of danger to any sexual position.

talix18 +0 -0
Sex is truly wrought with schmutz.

irondave +0 -1
It is both wrought with schmutz, and fraught with schmutz. That's what I say.

kamet +0 -0
Mmm... Schmutz.

hedonismbot +16 -0
"...some even got on the Mayor!"

norrin +1 -0
My first thought was "Surely there is or should be a band named Sexual Explosion." Google says I am right.

cromar +0 -0

I'm gonna take my time, she gonna get hers before I...
I'm gonna take it slow.
I'm not gonna rush the stroke.
So she can get a sexual eruption.

That was probably unnecessary.

falseprophet +0 -0
Snoop Dogg is never unnecessary.

usversusthem +0 -0
On that note, I think it's time for a little butternut reduction.

catgrl131 +1 -0
Dyson never loses suc-tion...

ethelthefrog +0 -0
That sounds rather sinister coming from a lavender skull wearing a hat.

usversusthem +0 -0
I feel like I want to work some sort of "swing for the fences" joke in here, but I'm not quite sure how.

hedonismbot +7 -0
Most sex team games are played as a sort of relay-decathalon sort of thing. I myself specialize in the pole vault. Some might be more into skeet-shooting, or Greco-Turkish wrestling. Some just practice anal all the time. Any skill can be used to further the team really. Unless you are some sort of sickass furry

hamscout +3 -0
5-man uphill luge!

norrin +1 -0
I beleive there are already men practicing that event on the steep hills or San Francisco.

tipist +1 -0
Chubbied for "skeet-shooting"

chrissketch +0 -0
Chubbied for animated Phillipe.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Joey, have you ever been in a Greco-Turkish prison?

maximus +13 -0
The first rule of Sex Team is - you do not talk about Sex Team. The second rule of Sex Team is - you DO NOT talk about Sex Team. Third rule of Sex Team, someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the sex is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a sex. Fifth rule, one sex at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirt, no shoes. Seventh rule, sexes will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Sex Team, you have to sex.

ethelthefrog +0 -0
I think you have the best hand-face pic of them all, maximus.

autrepoupee +1 -0
Man, does Beef ever love Patsy Cline!

irondave +0 -0
What's not to love? But is it Beef that loves her, or Ray?

phlox +1 -1
Nah, Ray changed Beef's ring to that when he got married. Ray loves Beef!

earendil +0 -0
oh dear, it's pedobear!

phlox +0 -0
No, those were all lies. I'm different now. Really.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Welcome back old friend, I never thought you'd leave that *other* board. Just be careful, the last person who tried to bugger that child here found himself in a death-based relationship.

asobi +0 -0
As well he should...she, and Neko Case, who were born on the same day, 38 years apart. Maximus and falseprophet already discussed this below but Case shares a sound with Cline and additionally she's from circumstances...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neko_Case

"She left home when she was fifteen...Deep Red Bells was inspired by Case's memories of being a vulnerable young woman in the Seattle area while the Green River Killer was at large."

circumstances!

"Those like you who lost their way
Murdered on the interstate
While the red bells rang like thunder"

fineoakstructure +0 -0
Deep Red Bells is one of her best.

And you gotta write it like this:

While the red bells RANG like thunder...

I love that part.

altffour +0 -1
it looks like roast beef is bringing out ray's OUTER 'fucked' guy! (on account of the sexual intercourse team)

hey-oooo

drskradley +0 -1
Seeing your avatar make sex jokes has just made my damn day.

terrainasaur +1 -0
it's for your health.

kickstart +0 -0
Just spray it off with a hose, dummy! (If you know what I mean)

gormster +1 -0
two achewood in one day? AWESOME

missbee +1 -0
Exactly what I was thinking.
I was about ready to pack it all up and go to bed but then Achewood updates.
Awesome way to end the day, Achewood all rubbing your back and humming you to sleep.

crev_gibax +1 -0
Onstad zings his own zealous fans with a brilliant alt-text!

circadin +0 -0
I too was delighted by said alt-text. Clearly we should be friends.

heccibiggs +0 -0
As was I. I laughed, and then I choked.

excusemesenator +0 -0
On what?

hedonismbot +7 -0

spinynorman +0 -0
Well, goddamn

norrin +2 -0
"I laughed till I choked!" raves Heccibiggs of The Chicago Sun Times.

unsentletter +1 -0
Totally... I fell in as completely as a Pitfall alligator pit. I Googled the lyrics, then saw the alt-text. On the strength of that, Onstad wins.

usversusthem +0 -1
Yeah, he got me. I fuckin' Googled "who's the guy guest starring in his own life" a few weeks ago out of curiousity. Either my Google-fu sucks or he just made it up, so the alt-text was actually kind of nice of him.

skrizach +1 -0
That's obviously an Onstad line.

skrizach +0 -0
Indeed, I was ready to type into my google search bar when I moused over.

snatch22 +1 -0
See, I Google first, ask questions later. And by ask questions, I mean read the alt-text.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
I find it truly problematic that I already knew it.

kamet +0 -0
Nah, that speaks to your good taste.

jbushnell +1 -0
Indeed. People who can't recognize Patsy Cline lyrics got problems. Or perhaps they never had problems.

daidai +0 -0
I couldn't recognize those lyrics. I'm sorry.

mrflunchy +0 -0
I like the touch of the sinister cat lurking in the sound-booth, he's got an creepshow hunched over look.

octafish +0 -0
I... Isn't that Ray, who just drove Beef to the studio?

odei +0 -0
The ears seem a bit pointy and I don't see why Ray would hunch over like that unless he found a magazine, priceless artifact, or a hundred dollars on the floor.

hamscout +6 -0
...or bonin? Nothin' like gettin' mad rutty with the radio receptionist!

" In fact, it is you who has won a contest, madam... "

nickgranger +0 -0
it is obviously a hippo

roguecheddar +0 -0
he helps me express my inner fucked guy every single day. love you beef!

spinynorman +0 -0
I had a theory about trying to swap my fucked up inner guy with my cool collected outer guy so then I'd feel more calm and smiley, but I couldn't figure out how to make it happen without serious prison time.

nunziantte +0 -1
oh man, ray is hella subtle with that ringtone. maybe he thought he got over beef's proposal but that's some sting.

missbee +0 -0
that makes sense, yet it's hard for me to think of ray as subtle..

spinynorman +0 -0
Your avatar can be relied upon to make me happy.

missbee +0 -0
Good :D

roguecheddar +0 -2
I believe the phrase you're looking for is "hell of".

sarabria +1 -0
I just love Beef in a tie.

gardenhead_ +0 -0
he looks somehow sadder in a tie. I also love Beef in a tie.

sarabria +5 -0
Maybe it's like when something is so bad ass (i.e. Breast Man drink having a password) it's JAMES BOND IN A TOWEL.

When something is so endearingly depressing it's ROAST BEEF IN A TIE.

circadin +0 -0
I'm deeply mournful that I won't be able to use that for two reasons:

Reason the First - I'm not sure how many would be able to distinguish 'roast beef' as our favorite dude from circumstances rather than charred animal muscle.

Reason the Second - In real life, very few things are both endearing and depressing at the same time.

autrepoupee +5 -0
an orphan kitten mewling for it's mother, but getting fed with one of those adorable little bottles?

that is depressing and endearing. the kitten is cute, the bottle is cute, but it is still an Orphan.

cantilever +0 -0
You have a gift autrepoupee, a terrible terrible gift.

talix18 +0 -0
I'm assuming you mean for imagining the perfect endearing yet sad thing, but I'm going with her gift for eye make-up, myself. I am suck with the eyeliner.

talix18 +1 -0
I meant "depressing", of course. Endearing yet depressing. As opposed to demented and sad, but social.

kickstart +7 -0
We found out that each one of us is a Roast Beef, a Ray, a Pat, a Molly, and a Nice Pete.

octafish +0 -0
Chubbied! But really I am the janitor who know your secrets. Err, maybe Emeril?

bixschmix +0 -0
YOU MESS WITH THE BULL, YOU GET THE HORNS!

octafish +0 -0

Sexy Pose!

I wasn't the only one who though Ally Sheedy was was hotter before the make-over am I?

thorfinn +0 -0
No, you are not the only person who thinks this thing.

morypcaina +1 -0
that is the saddest endearthing

usversusthem +0 -0
I dunno. I just read a letter written by Blake Fielder-Civil to some girl who is not in jail a few hours ago. It was pretty Roast Beef in a tie.

hamscout +0 -0
Al Gore? Is he 'Roast Beef in a tie'?

Maybe just his movie...

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Or Ralph Nader perhaps? He seems kind of endearingly depressing/depressed.

standingonit +0 -0
I'm thinkin' Johnny Cash in the "Hurt" music video.

quartzblade +0 -0
I read it first as "Damn but is it easy to be 'lamous'"

Folks, this is some truth.

dr_strangeglove +0 -1
Beef looks so shamed while ringing Ray. It's as though he knows that calling your friend for a ride is just asinine.

heccibiggs +1 -0
Those little sad eyebrows in panel four are so reminiscent of Early Beef, when that was his expression all the time.

missbee +0 -0
Man, where did this Kev guy come from? He's close enough to Ray to be in Ray's sex team, but I have never heard of the dude.

Aaaahhhh.

eatmorekix +0 -0
i posted this up above but to answer your question, check the alt-text on this strip

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222004

missbee +0 -0
ah, thank you.

That is hell of excellent continuity

drskradley +0 -0
Damn, but do I love it when Ray talks! I don't care what it's about, I just love how it's said!

Back me up, peeps.

altffour +0 -0
i can't think of a character that I don't love when they talk

i don't think anyones like "oh but don't forget chucklebot's silent bits! what a hoot!"

hamscout +0 -0
I believe you are both right (drskradley/altffour).
I love to hear all of them talk,
but when Ray talks, I get excited about the listening.

likeiwassaying +1 -0
As a man who currently lives in Peoria, I can attest.

This would indeed play here.

sleepchillin +2 -0
I just spent twenty whole minutes looking for a Mountain Goats lyric about Peoria.

I did not succeed.

But awesome avatar. He hugged me once. I wish I could say the same for Bob Dylan.

likeiwassaying +2 -0
there are none! he does not come here.

and a hug from john probably feels like a break up that has been coming forever.

porquechutzpah +0 -0
i told john darnielle that he was my justin timberlake in high school when he shook my hand. my hands were sweaty.

bixschmix +1 -0
I would have so, so many of John Darnielle's babies. John Darnielle, if you're reading this, please keep me in mind as the mother for your lyrically talented children.

porquechutzpah +1 -0
i know you are not John Darnielle, i just wanna make sure you know i'm on to you.

sleepchillin +2 -0
John Darnielle cold sings the song of the inner fucked guy.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
I've always seen Bill Callahan (aka Smog) as the indie rock incarnation of Beef. Sample lyric:

With the grace of a corpse
in a rip tide

I let go

And I slide, slide, slide
Down river.

Always reminds of Beef's riverspotting.

sleepchillin +0 -0
Played reverently, as if a king is burying his baby son.

rogergs +1 -0

rogergs +9 -0

Assetbar, mon amour.

hamscout +0 -0
Nice! Can someone animate that with a bit of the 'in out in out'?

yingkaixing +0 -0
I picture the bat being more conducive to a little ultra-violence. I'd approve of either animation, though.

mrfedora +2 -0
I approve of the placement of a hat on a bat.
I approve of it very much.

...Waaaaaait a minute!
That's a crude sexual metaphor, not a hat on a bat!
How dare you sir.
How dare you
My approval is REVOKED!
Sullying the good name of hats.
You disgust me

i_love_kate +0 -0
Mon amour, ma perte.

mrfedora +0 -0
mon amour, mon chapeau

achilleselbow +0 -0
BLE BLEU VAIS VOUS

i_love_kate +0 -0
I think we need to think of these for all of the languages.

I'm thinking English would be "This that thus thot".

hamscout +1 -0
'dis 'dat 'deez 'doze

smoothjimmyapollo +0 -0
Damn, this is a good comic about maniacs.

redmasaki +0 -0
Would a sex team battle another sex team?

sarabria +13 -0
Dear lord spare me from that awful team sex.

farqussus +1 -0
I thought you'd be all about team sex, David Spade

circadin +0 -0
Fight Club meets West Side Story meets Breast Attack on Fuck Mountain...

a tribute.

hamscout +0 -0
I do not think this would play in Peoria...

" I think they'll love it...in the Heartland..."

bixschmix +5 -0
All snapping and dancing and screwing and fighting and falling in love...

Breast Side Story

invidious +0 -0
Win.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
I don't know, but I don't think I want to know what it means to lose that battle.

krockhool +0 -0
It is my suspicion that this would happen only in competition for the Coitus Cup; A great outdoor f-f-inding of a mate

trueblood +2 -0
Am I alone in the thought that the Redskins would probably make a BETTER name for a sex team rather than a baseball team? The Giants would also work. Oh, and the White Socks, cus', y'know.

Oh, and the Pirates, but they'd be their own league.

rogergs +0 -0
Worst team would be the Cardinals.

norrin +0 -0
No. Therapists.

Wait, only baseball teams? Nevermind.

paperboy_2000 +0 -0
From all sports teams, maybe the Dallas Burn ?

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Therapists would clearly be the best team.
They win at sex, whatever it takes.

hedonismbot +2 -0
Don't forget the Tallahassee Sodomites!

ravindra108 +0 -0
psst... the Redskins play football

That doesn't make your statement any less true, however.

randombeing +1 -0
It was very creepy when the alt-text both read my mind and confirmed my suspicion of Patsy Cline.

maximus +0 -0
Is Ray's choice of Patsy Cline considered
1. Cool,
2. Classic,
3. Retro,
4. Anti-any-of-the-above,
5. Surreal, or
6. Hip Because of its Randomness?

I think I am too old to know.

falseprophet +0 -0
I think it depends on how much you trust current musicians when they cite their influences. I think Patsy Cline is kind of a commonly cited influence for today's indie-country bands like Wilco, The Elected, a little Rilo Kiley, maybe Neko Case (I will accept well argued challenges to my suggestions)? So it's kind of like when Bob Dylan said 'Hey you guys ever listen to Woody Guthrie you need to get up on thiiiiiiiiis ?'

irondave +0 -0
I say it's items 1-3 on the Maximus list. Also that I absolutely believe Wilco and Neko Case dig Patsy Cline.

fineoakstructure +2 -0
How about

7. Timeless

Because that's what Patsy is.

cromar +0 -0
Cool, classic/timeless. Fuck yeah. I go walkin' after midnight for Patsy Cline .

skrizach +0 -0
It's more of a lyrically chosen song. It symbolizes his feelings towards Beef and Molly.

octafish +0 -0
Ray is trying to get the Prime Minister of Australia to join his non proffesional sex team.

farqussus +0 -0
Rudd sounds like Rut

octafish +0 -0
What I know about Baltimore:
Edgar Allan Poe, Homicide: Life on the Streets, Orioles
What I know about Peoria:
It sounds like a pee joke?

octafish +1 -0
Just checked online encyclopedia. Will it play in Peoria is phrase originating in vaudeville and popularised by Nixon. Also Sam Kinison started a tour there.

I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.

maximus +4 -0
You are correct!!
HAW HAW!

hamscout +0 -0
YES! Yes sir, you are correct!

kamet +0 -0
That's some Weird, Wacky stuff there.

randombeing +0 -0
Hiyoooo!

ethelthefrog +0 -0
V-chub so hard.

maximus +0 -0
Paducah, Paducah,
If you want to you can rhyme it with bazooka

norrin +0 -0
Heh yeah you c OH MY GOD YOUR AVATAR IS SCARING ME! It's like something from my fever induced nightmares.

maximus +0 -0
Ohhhhhh Baltimore...
Man, it's hard just to live

irondave +0 -0
I love that song.

maximus +0 -0
My favorite Randy Newman album by far - "In Gernamy Before the War" still makes my tear up and creeps me out at the same time - with the same punch and a fraction of the cost of a David Lynch film.

ethelthefrog +0 -0
I'm partial to "Short People". Probably because I'm a short person myself.

maximus +0 -0
When you can get Harry Nilsson to record a whole album of your songs and the Eagles are singing backup for you, you can be pretty much be assured that you don't suck.

falseprophet +0 -0
I tried to interview Onstad for my Intern Edition but we did not succeed in coordinating schedules.

This strip is from Experiences.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Damnit, falseprophet, why couldn't you have been more flexible? The things that we might have learnt!

falseprophet +0 -0
Dude I was flexible as a Romanian gymnast with a slinky for a spine but the man Chris Onstad is very busy. Also, at the time he did not own a landline phone which is necessary for good audio quality in the science of radiometry.

achilleselbow +1 -0
The interview got filed in the Cultural Bin?

soupkaty +0 -0
do sex teams get mascots? or fight songs?

brokeaccount +1 -0
Sex mascots and sex songs.

Ray's team have a guy who dresses up as a killer whale, but with his dong out. And their song is 'Push It' by Salt N Pepa.

octafish +0 -0
A whale's dong is properly called a dork.

tekende +0 -0
Also it is extremely long and hose-like.

hoboninja +3 -0
THE HOSE!

fineoakstructure +0 -0
"Full Grown" by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion would be perfect. It's like Jock Jams, but for sex-havin'...

Listen to a clip, if you like

(but not if you're at work)

krockhool +0 -0
Now, I am aware that (typically) a team mascot does not actually play the sport. The Dolphins, for instance, would not field an *actual* dolphin upon the gridiron. Still, somehow a sex mascot is hard to divorce, mentally, from bestiality. I wonder why this is.

mortshire +6 -0
Roast Beef, please don't let this be the next step:

brokeaccount +7 -0
ARE YOU 'AVIN' A LAUGH?

The great thing is, people actually used to say this to me because I have big curly hair and glasses, not realising that basically they were mocking themselves by buying into the catchphrase comedy thing which was being made fun of.

Or at least, that's what I told myself as I cried myself to sleep at night.

farqussus +1 -0
james van der beek, you are sold to be playing a teenager. you are a silly man.

farqussus +1 -0
sold? sold to be playing a teenager? by his parents he was sold, to scientists who would freeze his features at the age of 24, which is the perfect age for being 16 on television.

SO OLD .

But who cares now right? it wasn't worth it.

hamscout +0 -0
At least when he does it now , it's ironic...

fineoakstructure +1 -0
James Van Der Beek is the Scott Bakula of his generation.

octafish +13 -0
Thats Count Bakula to you.

kamet +0 -0
This image made my day.

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Hee hee! Oh, hee hee hee!

cantilever +0 -0
I thought you meant as in Dawson's Creek was trying to sell to us that he was a teenager, when he clearly wasn't, it worked for me.
Ah, Dawson's Creek, thank you for showing me the true tragedy of losing your father to an ice-cream.

ravindra108 +0 -0
I chubbied that because even though I knew what you meant, it still rang true.

ravindra108 +0 -0
That picture is just... perfect.

blueloggy +5 -0
A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLOOOO!

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Don't cry, little kitty! Don't cry!. If you cry, I'll start crying, too!

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
it is like a tribble...'cept with a face.

kamet +0 -0
Sigh.. I'm so sorry you cry yourself to sleep at night.

But seeing James Van Der Beek in such a state fills me with such overwhelming joy..

odei +0 -0
Oh, hey Milkin.

odei +1 -0
Oh no, I'm sorry assetbar!

octafish +1 -0
Or perhaps this:

This mans name is Rollen Stewart I urge you read his life story as told by internet know it alls.
This is the saddest thing

professorhazard +0 -0
It's not the saddest, but it certainly is a downer of a read, and more fuel for the "anyone odd is mentally ill" argument every parent uses.

achilleselbow +2 -1
The saddest thing is that this guy gets three consecutive life sentences for acting crazy and making ridiculous threats during an attempted kidnapping, while clear-cut cases of rape and murder get something like 15 years. I've given up on trying to make sense of the world.

talix18 +0 -0
You speak truth, achilleselbox.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Man, I don't get irondave, the w is nowhere near the x on the keyboard. This cannot become a Thing, you hear me?

talix18 +0 -0
Are you sure? I mean, like "Man, Why I Gotta Do A Thing" sure? 'Cause it's darn entertaining. I don't know why.

irondave +0 -0
I was, uh, not in this deal here.

achilleselbow +0 -0
It was a reference to your other comment way above.

irondave +1 -0
I JUST NOW noticed that I mis-spelled your name away up yonder. (I was away for the weekend.) I sincerely apologize. I had some kind of left-hand ring-finger inversion issue, I guess. I did not mean to be a dick to you, or to talix18.

talix18 +0 -0
Chubbied for sincere absence of dick-being.

octafish +1 -0
You see? This is why handface is good for the internets and the world wide world!
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golding living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revalation
And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

Lets get naked! ...you first.

irondave +0 -0
Much obliged.

spinynorman +0 -0
He took that jail time because he though if he did he would get to make a ten minute impassioned speech in front of TV cameras. There was some sort of alternate deal with far less jail time where he would just go away quietly, but he wouldn't.

They talked to him a few years ago in prison. He said he doesn't regret anything but he wishes he had taken the deal with less prison time.

spinynorman +0 -0
Oh yeah, and the speech he gave away the rest of his life for was just him screaming incoherently into a microphone and then getting dragged off when his time was up.

jollysaintpete +0 -1
hah, that wiki honestly made me feel sad until you said that, norman. now, i'm happy again.

spinynorman +0 -0
Yeah, I watched a long documentary on him on Sports Center a few years back and remember it pretty well. Apparently he was offered some deal that was only a few years which his lawyer and the courts urged him to take. I'm not sure how, but he managed to set up some deal where he'd get to make a speech, but he'd give in to some very serious charges and jailtime. He got his speech, but it was mostly about the Apocalypse and " FORGIVE THEM FATHER THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO! FORGIVE THEM FATHER THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO! " which was a pretty unsettling thing to see.

Later they interviewed him in prison. He said he didn't have a problem with anything he did, he just should have taken the deal.

falseprophet +0 -0
Quote:

He said he doesn't regret anything but he wishes he had taken the deal with less prison time.

This case is open until it's closed.

drskradley +0 -0
Quote:

After this conviction, he was found guilty of four stink bomb attacks.

spinynorman +0 -0
Oh, great, I read about how they thought of him as a David Koresh, so then I read about him, and then the Branch Davidians and the Waco Siege, which in turn led to me reading about Oklahoma City and Columbine and Jonestown, and finally IT'S A STAR WARS RIGHT HERE AT HOME, or at least, THIS dog was hit by a car , Labrador owners may wish to leave the room

Yeah thanks 1990s

I used to think you were the tops, not so much anymore

verplanck +0 -0
you forgot Ruby Ridge . I think it was in the 90's that we became the country with the highest incarceration rate in the world.

Wasn't all blue dresses and dot-coms...

synnah +0 -0
Apart from the rainbow 'fro and the fact that he's not obese, that looks exactly like a guy that I work with.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
That wikipedia article was kinda sparse, but it did have lots of links to articles on the year 2007 and the state of California and such. WTF?

It also linked to [https://www.pacifier.com/~dkossy/rainbow.html]this article[/url] which was more interesting, even if it doesn't list reference, but more to the point, even if it is listed as a reference for the aforementioned wiki article... oh my god! where is the truth!

Well anyway. my comment on this is that it's interesting how much someone who is obviously mentally ill has in common with everyone who believes in God ever. Ya know how many people must have encouraged this lunacy and given him handouts of cash and sandwiches? Quite a few I bet. Yet if he was out there in the same manner proselytizing athiesm or some such, far more people would have reacted negatively to him.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
A comment left by alreadyinuse was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by lawbot, mortshire, DrSkradley, bixschmix, Doc_Rostov)

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Comic Sans?!

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
man why you even got to do a thing...

NOTHING CAN UNDO WHAT YOU'VE DONE

hamscout +0 -0
from the look of that beard, he already tasted curb...

theguitarhero +0 -0
Someone had their cunt pills today.

terebikun +0 -0
...is Roast Beef referencing Ricky Gervais in "Extras"?

mortshire +0 -0
oh hee hee hee jinx dude

charlottien +1 -0
Achewood: Helping people express their inner fucked guy since 2001.

jaspermeer +0 -1
"But am I really helping people express their inner fucked guy?"
Is this an aside by Onstad?

talix18 +0 -0
Of course it will sell in Baltimore! I'm buying the dickens out of it! (Technically I'm in a B-more suburb but can drive to some of the scary parts in no-time flat.)

possums +0 -0
Roast Beef just doesn't seem to care when people mispronounce his name.

schroduck +1 -0
I always get confused - is Ray's team playing American Sex or Sexcer (known simply as Sex in Europe). American Sex is a much rougher game, but Sexxor is played with less protection.

fattybeaver +0 -0
For some reason I imagined it would be like the old WWF. Like with tag team matches, different weight titles, names like the Rock and Big Show, everybody watching the girls on the side rather than the competitors.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Damn I love that avatar-icon-facehand-picture thing. The three of us should form a sex team

theirateturk +0 -0
A comment left by theirateturk was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by KaMeT, farqussus, NDCaesar, Tragic_Johnson)

pogo +0 -0
It's Dave in the Morning who is getting Beef's last name wrong, it's a joke, turkman.

hoboninja +0 -0
I hope that you are making a joke as well.

theirateturk +0 -1
I hope that you are not being serious that you are hoping that I am making a joke.

achilleselbow +1 -0
I hope you're all happy.

catgrl131 +1 -0
I hope I get a pony for Christmas...

irondave +0 -0
I hope you looked all the way to the bottom of the manure pile.

danielaroo +1 -0
It is sick as hell to be saved a Google search.

eatmorekix +7 -0
"sex team" made me think of this picture.

cromar +0 -0
Chubby. Achewood is hella not safe for work.

eatmorekix +0 -0
oh no! i'm sorry everyone. it took me a while to figure out what was in the picture exactly, so maybe if you scroll on past real quick no one will be the wiser.

achilleselbow +1 -0
I still don't fully understand!

thorfinn +0 -0
Through meditation and focus, these monks are able to redirect penile blood flow, slowly increasing the size throughout many years until they are able to reach anime-like proportions. They use these cartoonishly large penises as weapons into a style of kung fu known to the locals as Dong Pow (roughly translated: cock slap)

cromar +0 -0

Yes... one dude is using his body weight to pull on the dude's junk. This shit is for real... there are dudes who can pull buses with their dicks!

I have personally seen the results of similar training (Iron Neck as opposed to Golden Egg or Iron Groin chi gong). The dude bent 2 iron rebars with his throat.

There's also a video on YouTube somewhere of a dude who is a master of Iron Groin being repeatedly kicked in the crotch and not caring (they learn how to retract their balls back up inside their body).

synnah +0 -0
I've seen that video! I just had a look for it, but I think it's been taken down. :(

odei +0 -0
Some people are far too obsessed with their genitals. I guess the world is slightly safer if they're just left to have their dicks hung on and hang on other's dicks though.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Chubby for exclamation point!

synnah +0 -0
Those aren't their actual genitals, surely?

farqussus +0 -0
come now, please. you can't think that.

synnah +0 -0
I'm echoing achilleselbow, though. That's the only way that I can see how that image could be considered non-work-safe.

tekende +0 -0
I don't get it either.

cromar +0 -0
Maybe I'm just paranoid... but they're dongs. Giant cocks, even!

farqussus +0 -0
made of papier mache.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
and latex paint

paperboy_2000 +3 -0
Is that... the Olympics?

No! It's...it's the seven dwarves. Snow White is having a really bad day.

kickstart +0 -0
I laughed so hard that I coughed. Applesauce!

emo_kitten +0 -0
Lysistrata? That's what it makes me think of.

falseprophet +0 -0
That picture has me playing The Great Escape theme in my head.

gladi8orrex +0 -0
A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by DaPooka, lawbot, Dezufnocosem, hedonismbot, _cheesekayke, verplanck, bixschmix, I_Love_Kate)

smilebuddha +0 -0
NO

achilleselbow +0 -0
[-o-]<----tie-fighter

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Generally I can decipher these, but I don't even know what half of this one says.

loneal +5 -0
Ahem.

Ray gets a call from Patsy Cline while on the phone with Beef. Wait, not Beef. He's talking to Kev and then Beef calls him. Beef has second thoughts in the last panel. It's weird, it's so lol ("lol" being used here in the adjectival form as an equivalent of "funny").

This presentation of gladi8orrex's art was made possible by viewers like you.

kamet +0 -0
That is a valuable skill set you have there, young lady.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
"Second thoughts!"

That's where I was getting caught.

Thank you!!

synnah +0 -0
Me too. I was translating as 'succinct thoughts'.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
So was I, but that didn't make sense at all! gladi8orrex could never know what succinct meant.

achilleselbow +25 -1
For decades, readers have opened the English translation of gladi8orrex's classic novel is so lol and encountered these famous words: "It's weird, it's so lol." The phrase has become a classic, but even classics can succumb to time. Now readers have another version to quote - the sentence found in a new translation: "Is sweet, is so lol." In an interview with the Times, translator achilleselbow justified the alterations.

"Loneal's project was a great undertaking, and certainly a work for the ages. But the fact remains that any translator is working within their own cultural and historical constraints, and with a work as linguistically rich and multi-layered as is so lol , the decisions of the translator are more likely to affect the entire tone of the piece. Much has changed since the world of two hours ago, and a new time demands a new translation."

"For example, in attempting to render gladi8orrex's dense prose into readable English, loneal takes liberties such as adding subjects and pronouns where there were none before. Such changes suggest a structure that contradicts the very spirit of gladi8orrex's stream of consciousness. Furthermore, the rendering of "sweer" as "weird" suggests a sense of bewilderment, while "sweet" comes closer to approximating that indescribable feeling which gives rise to the mysterious lol that is at the heart of the novel."

The new translation will be released in a Norton's Classics edition complete with critical essays and explanatory notes.

thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
soooo chubby.

loneal +0 -0
I have chubbied you for being so lol.

tekende +0 -0
Holy shit. I wish I had saved a chubby for this. Fantastic.

cpnglxynchos +8 -0
and soon to Borders and Barnes And Nobles everywhere...

smilebuddha +0 -0
Proving once again that some of the best comments aren't the originals, or the responses, but the tertiary ones. V-chub.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
people lay the groundwork. i don't know how much credit i can take for capitalizing on someone else's terrific joke.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
(but will accept all the chubbies folks choose to give)

kamet +0 -0
Hallelujah! I had a chubby left!

synnah +0 -0
God damn, I'm out of chubbies. V-chub.

mira +3 -0
I read the last bit as "I swear, it's so lol."

octafish +0 -0
Chubby for reading incoherent babble the same as me!

fineoakstructure +0 -0
Agreed.

maximus +0 -0
Sounds like somebody gave LieBot and enema.

By the way, where are the bots, Chris?

catgrl131 +0 -0
They gave liebot and enema!?

That's so generous!

maximus +0 -0
Yes, I type a good 15 WPM and think at 20 WPM - to my undying shame.

catgrl131 +0 -0
Oh, no, I wasn't trying to be a dick about your spelling, I was just making a (bad) joke. I'm sorry.

achilleselbow +0 -0
How could you be so arrogant ?

pogo +0 -0
Must be the batring going to her head.

catgrl131 +0 -0
Well, it's already gone to my face...

epicurus +0 -0
Roast Beef faces the heady dilemmas of the famous artist as relates to his line of cards for fucked dudes.

neonfreon2 +1 -1
MY CUNTRY BONER, IT WONT GO DOWN

ouija +0 -0
Chubbied all night long for Puscifer.

pygmalion00 +1 -0
The idea of competitive sex intrigues me. It means that the whole first/second/third base/home run system will have gone from baseball, to metaphorical, back to practical use again.

thegoodwillgirl +4 -0
theirateturk's girlfriend is a first round draft pick for sure!

i_love_kate +0 -0
Hah, I've been trying to work out how to fit theirateturk's promiscuous girlfriend into a comment since I read "Sex team", but I'm actually glad you got there first. I just couldn't handle such a responsibility right now.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Then is basketball team a metaphor?

Maybe they wear Basketball Masks and jerseys, like the sex team version of The Baseball Furies?

hedonismbot +0 -0
She's a champ at the hundred yard anal

kamet +0 -0
Ok friends. I need help with the IRC shit. Anybody willing?

eatmorekix +0 -0
download it, and fill it the info with your name and email (i used a fake name and email just in case, it don't matter) and desired username. then go to "servers" under "connect" and pick the slashnet server. i think after that it'll connect you, and type #achewood when the box pops up. i think that'll work. i might be missing a step.

achilleselbow +0 -0
You don't have to download anything. Just go to www.mibbit.com, select Slashnet.org from the drop-down list of servers, type #achewood in the channel, type your username in the nickname field, and leave the password field blank, then click connect.

kamet +0 -0
That definitely helped. Thank you sir.

blueloggy +0 -0
I feel I should admit that I logged in just to see if I could, said a few things about uncircumcised penises, and left. I'm a little dazed and unsure exactly what happened.

achilleselbow +0 -0
That's pretty much what my first time was like, except for the uncircumcised part.

tekende +0 -0
This is what pretty much everyone's first time at sex is like. Don't worry, we understand.

evilawesome +0 -0
woah i am in #achewood right now.

tekende +0 -0
I am pretty much always in #achewood. If I'm not sleeping or driving, I'm probably there.

That's kind of sad, isn't it?

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
i see what you did there.

jbushnell +0 -0
Nineteen hours later and the chat channel is still all about penises.

loneal +0 -0
Will we all stop liking to talk about penises when we are 35?

jbushnell +0 -0
I didn't say I disapproved!

tekende +0 -0
NO

blueloggy +0 -0
No! I would've kept talking about penises, because I think that's fun/funny, except I also felt weird and old and I kept thinking about how I shouldn't pretend/front that I'm a youngster full of fresh, uncompromised hopes and dreams and devil-may-care attitude. Talking on the internet about penises just feels like a younger person's game. But next time I'll try to stay in the conversation.

hellofditties +0 -0
A sex team Ray? But why? All that commotion

sagoon +0 -0
dan in the morning seems to be channeling don imus

neonfreon +0 -0
these rare times when beef achieves some minor success are the only times i ever feel i can associate with him

catgrl131 +19 -2
Okay, here are some highlight of the goings-on at #achewood. Sorry It's long, but Manflesh showed up!

1:58 catgrl131: Hey peoples!
1:58 *** Dezufnocosem quit (Quit: https://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client)
1:59 KendiEatsBabies: oh, now i feel like a triple asshole.
1:59 catgrl131: But why?
2:00 KendiEatsBabies: it all happened before you arrived.
2:00 catgrl131: Ooh, I'd love to hear it recounted
2:00 KendiEatsBabies: chat was dead, i said a thing, went and had a smoke, and came back to find people had responded.
2:00 KendiEatsBabies: but i did not respond. now one has quit and people think i hate the danes.
2:01 catgrl131: .....do you?
2:01 KendiEatsBabies: Danish indie film groups sex is a thing the dear lord should spare us.
2:01 catgrl131: We could start a club....meet on tuesdays....we could have a Thing going....
2:01 KendiEatsBabies: what?
2:02 catgrl131: !
2:02 catgrl131: sorry, lemme retype that
2:03 catgrl131: WE SHALL NO LONGER PUT UP WITH THE DANES SULLYING OUR PRECIOUS LAND!
2:03 KendiEatsBabies: Right on.
2:03 catgrl131: NO MORE DANISH GROUP SEX!
2:03 KendiEatsBabies: Well, I'm gone, y'all.
2:03 *** KendiEatsBabies quit (Quit:)
2:04 catgrl131: No! We must describe those with pastry fetishes (Doughies)! Don't leave me!
2:04 catgrl131: Oh, I'm all alooooooooooooooooooooooone....
2:06 ubu: why does that guy hate the Danes so much?
2:06 catgrl131: Something about them raping and killing his family...
2:06 ubu: that's awful!
2:06 ubu: i guess i understand, then.
2:07 catgrl131: Or maybe that was me....
2:07 catgrl131: Ah, well, details, details.
2:07 ubu: you raped and killed his family?
2:07 catgrl131: It could've been the Danes. Just sayin'.
2:08 ubu: things get fuzzy sometimes.
2:08 ubu: i understand.
2:08 catgrl131: Yes. Sometimes there are Situations beyond control. *tilts head*
2:09 ubu: is that so?
2:10 catgrl131: Indeed. Sometimes there are things that need to be Done.
2:10 catgrl131: Such as raping.
2:10 catgrl131: And killing.
2:10 ubu nods slowly
2:10 ubu: what's the catalyst for such things?
2:11 ubu: when does raping and killing *really* need to be done?
2:11 catgrl131: That is something every being must find out on their own.
2:11 ubu jots that down
2:12 ubu: i make a lot of lists. and this appears to be something i've missed.
2:12 catgrl131: Good to see you are Paying Attention.
2:12 ubu: i'm always paying attention.
2:12 ubu: that's one thing i do.
2:12 *** drmanflesh joined #achewood
2:13 drmanflesh: WHO WANTS TO HEAR A JOKE
2:13 RabbiDPanda: hmmm
2:13 ubu: Rochester, huh
2:13 RabbiDPanda has given op to drmanflesh
2:13 catgrl131: Oh really? Then would you notice if I was RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!??!
2:13 ubu: Rochester, NY?
2:13 ubu jumps, wide-eyed
2:13 ubu: wait... hahaha
2:13 ubu: you're not right behind me!
2:13 drmanflesh: ubu are you saying rochester, ny because you want to hear a joke
2:13 ubu: yes, tell me a joke, sir
2:13 drmanflesh: or because you looked at my whois thingy
2:13 drmanflesh: and saw that i am in rochester, ny
2:14 ubu: well, i saw Rochester in your join line.
2:14 drmanflesh: oh
2:14 ubu: and since i was born in Rochester, NY, i thought to myself, "perhaps this person is from my hometown!"
2:14 drmanflesh: i live in rochester right now, that is true
2:14 drmanflesh: okay here is the joke:
2:14 drmanflesh: knock knock
2:14 drmanflesh: hold on
2:14 drmanflesh: KNOCK KNOCK
2:14 RabbiDPanda: WHO IS THERE
2:15 drmanflesh: ADOLF
2:15 RabbiDPanda: ADOLF WHO?
2:15 drmanflesh: A DOLPHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:15 ubu: HAHAHAHAHA
2:15 RabbiDPanda: NICE
2:15 drmanflesh: WA-AA-AA WA-AA-AA <-- dolphin sound
2:15 RabbiDPanda: I totally expected that to go in a racist direction.
2:15 catgrl131: I....I am near Rochester.
2:15 drmanflesh: okay here is another one
2:16 drmanflesh: KNOCK KNOCK
2:16 RabbiDPanda: You played with my expectations, Manflesh
2:16 catgrl131: Are you...are you near me?
2:16 RabbiDPanda: Who's there?
2:16 catgrl131: Desiring anal play?
2:16 drmanflesh: ADOLF HITLER
2:16 catgrl131: Immediately?
2:16 RabbiDPanda: Adolf Hitler Who?
2:16 drmanflesh: Adolf Hitler (20 April 1889 %uFFFD 30 April 1945) was an Austrian-born German politician who led the National Socialist German Workers Party. He was Chancellor of Germany (1933-1934) and F%uFFFDhrer of Germany (1934-1945).

Later...

2:31 drmanflesh: speaking of penis wilderness
2:31 drmanflesh: THE SINGING FOREST
2:31 drmanflesh: this is the most tasteless movie i have ever seen
2:31 catgrl131: Hey, manflesh, do you enjoy being an Assetbar legend?
2:32 drmanflesh: it's like watching an episode of lost where every plot twist involves nazis or rape
2:32 drmanflesh: and the main characters are gay
2:32 catgrl131: Sounds like my kinda show!
2:33 drmanflesh: oh i like that people say all this stuff whenever i post! it is pretty funny because i just post crap
2:33 drmanflesh: and then there are these dudes who get all indignant that people are amused by me, they're all BUT HE ALREADY POSTED THAT BLAH BLAH
2:33 drmanflesh: it's great!
2:33 drmanflesh: maybe i should post puppies again
2:34 RabbiDPanda: You've got like a psuedo Andy Kaufman thing going on here
2:34 drmanflesh: i wish the

tag were enabled on assetbar
2:34 drmanflesh: so i could post little songs to go with my posts
2:35 drmanflesh: by "little songs" i mean 4000 hz square waves at max volume
2:35 RabbiDPanda: hahaha

Even Later...

2:38 drmanflesh: hold on i just sat down real hard on my balls

A Bit After That...

2:41 drmanflesh: i feel like i know so many jokes but then i try to think of them and they're never forthcoming
2:41 drmanflesh: so i always just say KNOCK KNOCK and then just kind of go with the flow
2:42 RabbiDPanda: So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his crotch
2:42 catgrl131: Eventually, after a long and productive life, he dies.
2:42 catgrl131: FIN.
2:42 RabbiDPanda: and the bartender is like 'Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
2:42 RabbiDPanda: and the pirate responds "Oh my God I've just been in a terrible accident please call a doctor"
2:42 drmanflesh: and goes "it's really a huge chunk of GHB!!"
2:42 RabbiDPanda: "I'm losing a lot of blood"
2:43 RabbiDPanda: The EMTs got there, but there wasn'tmuch they could do
2:43 RabbiDPanda: He left a lot of debt for his family, it was pretty bad
2:43 drmanflesh: oh that is a good joke
2:43 drmanflesh: good joke rabbidpanda
2:43 *** eatmorekix quit (Quit:)
2:43 RabbiDPanda: Thanks
2:43 drmanflesh: okay let me take a swing at that one
2:44 drmanflesh: a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his crotch
2:44 drmanflesh: and the bartender says "hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
2:44 drmanflesh: and the pirate leans in very close to the bartender, leaning over the bar
2:44 drmanflesh: and he says "i will pay you 20,000 rubles to shutter the windows, at once"
2:45 RabbiDPanda: What does he do?!
2:45 drmanflesh: the bartender is hard up for cash, it's a recession, so he doesn't ask questions, he moves quickly off to shutter the windows
2:45 drmanflesh: and then there are gunshots outside
2:45 ubu puffs his cigarette, taut with anticipation
2:45 drmanflesh: the bartender asks the pirate, "now what?"
2:46 drmanflesh: the pirate peels off 60,000 rubles from a wad of bills in his pocket, says "give the rest to HIM when he arrives," and then rushes into the men's room
2:46 drmanflesh: the bartender pockets 20,000 rubles from the wad, and a man walks into the bar
2:46 drmanflesh: he is clearly who the pirate meant by HIM
2:47 drmanflesh: although he is not holding any kind of weapon, the bartender instantly knows that this man is the cause of the gunshots
2:47 drmanflesh: the bartender wordlessly gives the remaining 40,000 rubles to the mysterious man
2:47 ubu: this joke is too long to tell at parties
2:47 drmanflesh: the man begins to walk to the back of the bar, toward the mens room
2:47 drmanflesh: the bartender calls out "wait" to the man
2:47 drmanflesh: the man turns around, and lifts a hand, pointing to the bartender's head
2:48 RabbiDPanda: WHAT NEXT?!
2:48 drmanflesh: suddenly, in a flash of insight--"no, it can't be!" cries the bartender
2:48 drmanflesh: as the stranger's finger pointed directly toward his head, he saw in a flash the absurdity of his life--that his occupations had been taken up to distract him from a fundamental gnawing tedium
2:49 drmanflesh: and the banal amusements he'd occupied himself with to hold this hopelessness and tedium at bay, they fell away from him all in a flash
2:49 drmanflesh: the bartender raced out of the front door of the bar
2:50 drmanflesh: paper flyers fluttered in the breeze, a dog chased a leaf; a car passed
2:50 drmanflesh: a woman shouted from a window, "i wait no more!" and then her body came crashing down and smashed against the pavement
2:51 drmanflesh: inside the bar, the mysterious man pushed open the door to the men's room
2:51 drmanflesh: he found it empty
2:51 ubu puffs his cigarette again, quivering
2:51 drmanflesh: he unzipped his fly as he stood before the urinal
2:51 drmanflesh: he pulled his heavy meat from his open fly
2:51 drmanflesh: and began to stroke his stiff length
2:51 drmanflesh: slowly at first, then more rapidly
2:51 drmanflesh: he spat in his hand and smeared his spit over his hard member
2:52 drmanflesh: and then began to really pump up the volume
2:52 drmanflesh: he jerked and jacked, and played with his red head
2:52 ubu gets a hard-on
2:52 drmanflesh: finally he was ready! he was about to shoot his load
2:53 drmanflesh: he grabbed a steel crowbar from beside the bathroom sink, and smashed it against the water pipe
2:53 drmanflesh: again and again he smashed it against the water pipe!
2:53 drmanflesh: geysers of pressurized water shot to and fro in the men's room as the mysterious man pointed his hard wand to the ceiling and shouted I AM THE MASTER
2:53 drmanflesh: I AM THE MASTEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
2:53 drmanflesh: I AM THE MASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
2:53 drmanflesh: I AM THE MASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
2:53 drmanflesh: good joke huh

alreadyinuse +0 -0
let me be the first to toss a virtual chubby through the portal into IRC land

fuckin virtual chubby from Asset Bar to Dr. ManFlesh. props!

4000 hz square waves at max volume -- oh my god that is friggin awesome

alreadyinuse +0 -0
oh my god. that is the hardest and longest I have ever laughed at anything on Assetbar. Here Dr. Manflesh, have another vchubby, damn, have a whole bucket full
*alreadyinuse tosses handfulls of v-chubs to manflesh like as if rewarding a captive dolphin with so much chum for properly learning to emit a 4000 hz square wave at max volume.*

odei +1 -0
Manflesh is a hero of sorts.

synnah +0 -0
That is fantastic. All of it.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Hey, Manflesh indirectly referred to my response to his post! This must be what an orgasm feels like.

kamet +0 -0
Wow.

pogo +0 -0
Huh? What's that? Can't make any sense of it. But thanks, now I know it's not worth bothering with all that IRC ching chong.

achilleselbow +3 -0
1:26 mib: people need to stop forgetting that barack is not all black
1:26 achilleselbow: yea thats true
1:27 mib: ron paul is a true black man
1:27 drmanflesh: i wrote some erotic ron paul fan fiction once
1:27 drmanflesh: let me find it again
1:27 achilleselbow: ron paul sounds like a porn star name
1:27 ubu: ron paul is incredibly fleet-footed.
1:27 mib: you mean it sounds like ron jeremy?
1:28 achilleselbow: ron paul has a ring that gives him 3 constitution
1:28 RabbiDPanda: hahaha
1:28 mib: ron paul is a man who stands for his beliefs
1:28 ubu: Ron Paul has a wig for his wig.
1:28 achilleselbow: and a brain for a heart
1:28 hamstar: My wig was bad and I had to take its wig away
1:28 ubu: hahaha
1:28 EvilAwesome: if manflesh provides ron paul fan fic i'm pretty much bronzing my monitor.
1:28 *** eatmorekix was kicked by jollysaintpete (jollysaintpete)
1:28 achilleselbow: hey come on
1:28 drmanflesh: oh okay so this is a story i wrote about ron paul and my friend pigmeat
1:29 drmanflesh: Ron Paul slowly raised his steely black fuck-rod, dripping with deadly poison, to Pigmeat's lips. "Do you desire my explosive sex epee," Ron Paul inquired.
1:29 drmanflesh: Pigmeat blinked twice, his mouth clogged by 32 Neuticles held in place by a plug of marine epoxy across his lips.
1:29 drmanflesh: Ron Paul plunged his sexual black steel into the mouth of Pigmeat, the Neuticles and epoxy dissolving instantly due to the unbelievable acidity of his penile poison.
1:29 drmanflesh: Pigmeat sucked the black steel assault-dick back and forth powerfully as Ron Paul intoned, "I fuck gays, women, immigrants, and working people."
1:29 mib: i told you he was black!!!
1:29 *** eatmorekix joined #achewood
1:29 drmanflesh: Ron Paul looked down in surprise as he noticed that Pigmeat had not collapsed dead due to the powerful influence of his potent cocksolvent.
1:29 eatmorekix: what happened to me
1:29 drmanflesh: Indeed, Pigmeat's face was aglow with a purple puissance--his bizarre metabolism had miraculously transformed the Mercurial waters into a golden wine from which he drew strength!
1:29 mib: you got kicked
1:29 achilleselbow: shhhh! he's telling a story!
1:29 drmanflesh: "You are the one chosen to transmute my penis juice from the philosophical vinegar into sacred barley water!" shouted Ron Paul as Pigmeat stroked Ron Paul's testicles with a free hand.
1:29 EvilAwesome: hahaha
1:30 drmanflesh: The alchemical reaction continued in Pigmeat's throat as he slipped his lubed thumb into Ron Paul's anus and really began to pump up the volume.
1:30 drmanflesh: okay that's all i ever wrote of that

norrin +0 -0
I will use the phrase "pump up the volume" soon, and I will feel dirty.

jollysaintpete +0 -0
hahaha, eatmorekix got auto-kicked because someone said "monitor"... hah

tekende +0 -0
OH MY GOD MANFLESH WAS IN THERE WHEN I WAS NOT

MY LIFE NO LONGER HAS MEANING

GOD HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, I AM SO MAD AT YOU

invidious +0 -0
Full agreement. I was only able to logon to #achewood once this weekend, and I missed the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet. This is the saddest thing.

kendieatsbabies +0 -0
I feel a little violated here, what with the chat all documented and re-Asseted.

And for the record, fuck the Danes.

chuvak +0 -0
Wait there is a chatroom?

slackojones +0 -0
We need Achewood Personals, because some of you avatars seem pretty dateable, such as Kill Me and MacAllan Scotch. I would date Scotch*. *responsibly

hellofditties +0 -0
If you think the words "Kill Me" are dateable you are a little odd. But I'm down with that.

cioran +0 -0
With this strip I have finished reading the entire back run of Achewood and can now keep current every day.

riazm +0 -0
Strips Viewed: 256

You been reading those on the main site my friend?

cioran +0 -0
Or assetbar without logging in.

alreadyinuse +1 -0
I still have my fix available if you want to correct your strips viewed count.

But remember you are only allowed to use it if you really read all the strips. This is on the honour system.

cioran +0 -0
Diamond, thanks.

catgrl131 +0 -0
Congratulations!

pogo +0 -0
I'm nearly there myself.

kamet +0 -0
I just finished last week!!! Congrats!

-0_0- +0 -1
this is unrelated but i guess i better post it here now that it's literally everywhere else

atticusonline +0 -0
I waited for a full hour for the alt text to appear.

I am sad.

riazm +0 -0
Two things I would like to discuss with the people who scroll all the way to the bottom of the page:

Are any of you going to start going to The Refuge on Saturdays to stalk The Onstad?

Second: If I had one wish it would be the ability to talk like little nephew's blog entries in my everyday conversations.

pogo +2 -0
I more "Cntrl End" to the bottom, but no matter.
1. Don't stalk our Creator, please.
2. Aww yeah, Lil Neff rocks!
(I must be really bored this Monday morning to be responding to this weak shit.) *Sigh* (I am alone in a cubicle.)

synnah +0 -0
(I am alone in a cubicle)

You access the internet on the john?

thorfinn +0 -0
I am also alone in a cubicle, but there are many cubicles near mine, so I am not truly alone, just visibly isolated from the rest of the office population. We yell back and forth across the cubicle walls a lot, as this is a much more efficient system that actually walking over to the cube of the person you wish to speak to, so it's almost like I'm not isolated, except I can't see the people who are yelling.

pogo +0 -0
Such is life in a cube farm.

octafish +1 -0
Didn't I read about this in Palo's Republic ?

octafish +2 -0
Fuck you Assetbar you know I meant Plato.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I am at a loss over which of these posts to chubby, but I expect that I will make up my mind shortly.

hamscout +0 -0
'Republic' is the first thing that came to my mind too!
(although I actually googled 'Palo' first to make sure I wasn't confusing my references... derrr.)

Oh shit, and I actually had a chubby left hanging around! It's yours!

pogo +0 -0
I'm so glad that classical education is not entirely dead.

pogo +0 -0
That would be a bathroom stall, I believe. Ha-ha, I would access the Net from the shitter, if I had a laptop -- since the building has Wi-Fi.

synnah +0 -0
In England, we call them 'toilet cubicles'!

We also refer to cars as 'movement facilitators', and call burgers 'meat-rounds'.

cromar +0 -0
What's a "call" burger?

numberkillinger +0 -0
a "call burger" is a "meat-round". we have discussed this.

daidai +0 -0
England is a silly and fictitious place.

chuvak +0 -0
The United Kingdom, however, exists in all seriousness.

cromar +0 -0
Wait so what's a meat-round?

ddgoec +0 -0
vvvt vvt

catgrl131 +0 -0
GENIUS!

catgrl131 +1 -0
A leitmotif of identity and desperation. Brilliant.

ddgoec +0 -0
Strangely, I was thinking of you when I posted it.

daidai +0 -0
creepy

pogo +0 -0
Scratching.

ddgoec +0 -0
that extra little motivation needed to buy that BFG

leon_sumbitches +0 -0
I live in peoria (the real one, not the wimpy arizona one) and it played for me!

mustakrakesh +0 -0
My inner fucked guy says this comic makes life worth living.

unalone +0 -0
One year and nobody mentions Patsy Cline?

Ray's revealed a soft side.

whiggles +0 -0
Even more interesting is his selection of the song "She's Got You" as his Roast Beef ringtone. The song laments the loss of an old lover, having only the memories of good times to keep you warm at night. Ray is obviously still dealing with separation anxiety due to the impending wedding at this point.