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Key Words Thursday, December 6, 2007 • read strip Viewing 264 comments:

Well I for one would subscribe to any of those sites.

A comment left by n00b was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by spesimen, envika, kenthegod, TonyHighwind, RedGuy)

[IMGS OFF]

oh Dr. Manflesh, you have tickled my humor in a way contrary to my beliefs once more.

Ooooh la LAAAAAAaaaaaa*splash*

Splashie?

A comment left by soticoto was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by NeoNaoNeo, 7th_shot, Cracker)

Oh my, fatal and tragic?

The Saddest Thing.

Why do you have an SMK avatar? I am pro

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

Oooh la LAAA! La LA LA LA LA!

Someone last page picked the fact that they're the same logo. Nobody thought of or wanted this, though. Philippe's already had a pretty eventful five years. Five years of kidnapping, heartbreak, a failed inter-scientific-kingdom marriage, numerous head wounds, thinking he's dead after failed searches for a lost couch-friend, and other stuff that the next guy will pick up on because it's late and I'm tired.

It is extremely early, Mr. Drskradley! Please, go to bed! For the children!

Rubbish. It's 12:30am here in Melbourne, and...and...something funny about the children. Those children. Those damned children. With their little....feet...and the...heads, and crap. Damned children. I hate children.

Shit, I'm a genius. LOOK AT THE GENIUS! LOOK AT HIM STAND IN HIS ROOM!

you have made me laugh in a public setting. people are looking at me funny. you'd think laughing out loud while sitting by yourself in a Perkin's Family Restaurant with Wi-Fi was a crime.

Not a crime in itself, but 8% of Perkin's clientele ARE ex-cons, so patrons are usually on edge.

...what about their employees? I work at a Perkin's. Not THAT one, but a Perkin's, nonetheless.

12%

67% of our clientèle are over the age of 110.

Melbourne massive chubbies!

(as opposed to Massive Melbourne Chubbies, which is a site Nolan subscribes to)

subscriptions@that-big-yellow-thrusty-thing-over-the-freeway.com: Subscription Activated

THESE CHILDREN!

OH YEAH, THESE CHILDREN!

Your basal nervous system wants you to produce THESE CHILDREN!

Don't make me wheel out the speaker.

Children are pretty good, you know.

A comment left by sherief was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by kylank, UncleJam, peterjoel)

No it's not sad... this is the first time Philippe has a way of getting any money, ever.

Philippe is five. He does not need an income nearly as much as he needs to avoid Nolan From The Internet.

Just because Philippe is five doesn't mean he's lived five years.

achewood metaphysics, baby.

A comment left by morelaak was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by ishuta, kylank, UncleJam)

DAMMIT IT DIDN"T WORK.

sry guys, was supposed to look cool. but it didn't.

the important thing is that you tried

is that Balrog from Doukutsu Monogatari in your icon, Morelaak?

Oh man! You like Cave Story??

my answer to both inquiries is a a resounding YES.

Curly Brace For the Win.

Cool people hate finding out that the Acheworld is , like everywhere else on the internet, full of nerds.

Cave Story was great.

morelaak likes Cave Story and Boards of Canada, and that's all I really need to know about a dude.

But does he live in a terrifying religious community? Hmmmm?

answer: yes. i live in Lexington Kentucky, and basketball here is like the most terrifying religion you will ever see.

HUZZAH!

Not since the Nice Pete/Secret Ice Cream shop incident have I felt such concern for Philippe's well-being.

Preview of the first panel of the next strip:
[IMGS OFF]

:(

Heh! I guess somebody's tryin' to squeeze out the last remains of a ketchup bottle! *cough* I'll go buy more.

Flawless

Do you want to go to Olive Garden for dinner?

AHHH

This is exactly what I thought. Right down to the number of times you said "no."

If there's one thing more erotic than spiders crawling on Victorian sofas, it's forgotten candies.

Hmm... Ray said he would need to change the name of the shitandle ...

Oh, candies, not candles.

My background to this page is grey, which makes reading harder.

The fact that I never caught the difference in the strip is neither here nor there.

The fact that I can zoom in on anything that may be potentially misread by merely holding the Super key and moving the mouse-wheel is also irrelevant.

Compiz Fusion colour filter and zoom plug ins?

Yes on the zoom. The colour is just part of the desktop theme.

So the question is, are the candies, like, forgotten candies, possibly already unwrapped, that have been lost (for example, under Victorian sofa cushions), or are they (this is my assumption) 19th century candies that are long forgotten?

Or both?

I've seen too much internet. Every one of those emails reminded me at least a little of something I've actually seen.

A comment left by wae was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Overmedicated, DrSkradley, Zem)

I don't know what's going to happen next but someone is going to end up traumatized.

You%u2019d think so, wouldn%u2019t ya? You%u2019d figure Philippe would fourteen shades of hella traumatized by this point, wouldn%u2019t ya? But no, he just keeps boppin%u2019 along, being five.

Yikes, what the hell happened to my post?

Whoever wrote your web browser thought it would be rad to use the unicode smart quotes for a simple apostrophe.

Well, that is NOT RAD.

This is what happens when, in fear of making an embarrassing posting error on a message board that does not have a 'delete post' feature, you use MS Word to write said post and copy/paste it in said message board's reply box. (Possibly).

Chubbies and Lames are on the line. I would hope that everyone writes their posts in another text editor first.

Wouldn't want to miss out on some metaphorical boners from Internet people, after all.

Yes but that is why you use Notepad, it has no formatting. Also it opens instantly and uses only about 2k of memory.

All my chubbies are belong to Notepad

When selecting which text editor to open for a specific task, my first consideration is probably memory consumption.

probably us

OH MY GOD
PERFECT

Did you splut?


... To someone who hadn't read the archives that would sound SO wrong
especially after this comic.

I would have gave this a chubby if you hadn't explained the joke. The number one thing people who are trying to be funny on the internet need to know is that explaining jokes isn't funny.

I am so glad you explained that.

A comment left by poing was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by wittyname, Slab64, Combustache)

Wasn't that like back in January?

At least a thousand dollars is the exact correct amount to pay to dine with the proprietor of an internet potty-related business. Nolan is well versed in e-Commerce.

Did you take into account that Nolan would be on the potty during dinner?

If he knew the proprietor was five, Nolan would have to quadruple his offer.

I wasn't quite sure Nolan was a serious sexual deviant before. But he pays to see dead tiger cubs coming out of a tiger's vagina. There are so many things about that are not rad.

The pool of videos for that can't be very deep, surely.

I bet the bidding war for the domain of www.stillborn-tigers-being-born.com was immense.

I wouldn't be surprised if Lyle was involved in said bidding war. Those are HIS PEOPLE, after all.

The darkened room with just the monitor on is a sure sign of sexual deviancy. That and the sticky keyboard.

And the subscription to Sniglets.

I've been watching Rich Hall on British TV for years, plus the occasional bit of Otis Lee Crenshaw, and I had no idea he was the guy behind sniglets.

He never mentions this fact...

And THIS:

[IMGS OFF]

Don't tell me you can't see the resemblance.

Well, apart from the whole "everything facial and recognisable" thing - okay, it's just the glasses I saw, I'll be honest.

Elijah Wood should change his name to Elijah Woo. This can only be a good move for him.

And suddenly, a bunch of doves take flight for no reason.

It's a metaphor, dammit.

if i had rationed my chubbies better, you, my friend, would be getting exactly one.

Only a complete pervert would sent rich text formatted emails.

Yeah, a fetish about stillborn tigers is yet again another thing I did not want to be introduced to while hungover and eating a shitty ham and cheese quesadilla.

The internet... What fresh hell is this?

Ahh! What the hell happened to your avatar, Spiny?

Ha, it's the new Joker from the The Dark Knight

so that's what he looks like. I'm looking forward to that movie for sure.

Nolan... why don't you take a seat right over there.

This still horrifies me. Why? Because the human equivalent is watching a fat women give birth to a dead baby.

As Nolan is a cat, and a tiger is a very large cat.

Gah, I just realized I pulled a Garfield and explained the joke.

Not necessarily. Animal relations are different in Achewood. Like the dogs being dogs but cats being anthropomorphic.

Lyle is a tiger.

Touche. He is a stuffed tiger, however. I wonder how Lyle feels about the possible fact that Nolan found the Perky Pervert's upgrade particularly arousing because the dildoing was being performed by a tiger.

Given that he was willing to give a post-op transexual free sex to try out his/her new bits, I don't think he cares much. He is a hole man, after all.

the computer fires
a beam of
pure perversion through which
a man may view
buses on fire
with mannequins inside

a thousand dollars
shall create delight

ohhhhhh shit

Abraham Lincoln just swore in a possibly ghetto way. Or a Southern way. Either way, there was profanity, and Honest Abe was all up ins.

he gets the ladies, but in the end, they do not like him.

If you were a dead president and read a poem like that, that would be your first reaction as well.

it's like how Abe says "That's cool." in some sleep-aid commercial. it is not very...stately.

hah. i thought of that reply as soon as i saw the first two lines of _j's comment.

So, do you think he subscribed to Vlad's site about women eating subway?

A comment left by shoinan was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by professorhazard, Overmedicated, n00b)

Hmm. A hundred bucks for a dildoed beverage and now at least a thousand dollars for a Potty Pals Platinum membership. For all his faults Nolan must be doing something right...

I Imagine it's pretty hard for Nolan to find a girlfriend (Boyfriend/Mannequinfriend/Spiderfriend/Stillborntigerfriend), so basically all he does is make money and spend it on insane shit. Although i would like to know what his job is.

And Philippe who thought that he had no way of ever getting any money! He is gonna become a new Ray!

A comment left by footslogga was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by n00b, loneal, dickie_roxx, godfatherofsouls, luckypyjamas, gbeaton, Tragic_Johnson, usversusthem)

He is not retarded, he is five.

Fuck, you think this'd be common knowledge by now - but I guess the fact that having the words "is five," preceded by any proper noun denoting Philippe, will automatically get lamed all up the wazoo.

Chubbied not only for the correction but also for the use of "all up the wazoo"

But no chubby for referring to "he" as a proper noun. For shame, Mr. Educator!

It's late, and I'm not actually very good at my metalanguage about grammar at all. Not even considering I have a nigh-on useless Linguistics degree - I'm not good at it AT ALL. As in, compared to most people.

Did you ever realise how much teachers are actually learning when they teach kids? It's amazing. I've never known so much about colonial Australian history/Ancient Egypt/Ancient Greek Olympics/basic grammar as I've learnt from the past few months of teaching kids. You learn this crap the day before you teach it, realising that you never actually learnt it at school.

I also now know how to bypass school firewalls and that - regardless what you wear/listen to/enjoy - if you are a teacher, you are deemed to have no life and no sense of cool. And I learned that kids are a lot dumber than I remember.

Whoa...did I just blog? I'm sorry for my blogging, people. I was going to delete it, but I'd already pushed "Post". What?

A comment left by footslogga was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Felion, loneal, luckypyjamas, shoethings, peterjoel)

Pffft. That never happens and you know it.

wait. why am i getting into this argument. clearly, i am either retarded or five.

Clearly. I am only arguing to procrastinate and be antagonistic for the fun of it anyway. I mean, we can continue if you want, up to you.

A comment left by retinarow was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by lawbot, Overmedicated, envika, DrSkradley)

we established this earlier in the thread now didn't we?

Arguing on the internet is like being a retarded, five-year-old otter in the Special Olympics.

...I used to remember a punchline here.

If you google "Achewood," the site is described as "[a] cartoon of modern life as lived by a retarded otter, an alcoholic tiger, and two bears."

So not only is he retarded, he gets top billing as well.

oh... oh my god... what are you saying chris onstad? HAS OUR RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION BEEN A LIE ALL ALONG%u203D%u203D%u203D


P.S. huuuuugs to anyone who can place the "righteous indignation" in another anthromorphic animal context

DAMN YOU ASSETBAR HOW CAN YOU REJECT THE INTERROBANG?!?!?!?!?!

Assetbar's getting sick of all the lazy bastards with knowledge of obscure punctuation. You'll use a question mark and an exclamation point and you'll like it.

will i get lamed all up the wazoo for saying this?!
'teh int3rr0b@ng pwnz'

It's a bit late to get lamed all up the wazoo, as the conversation's moved on to the next few strips. But I can get you started, if you'd like.

better late than never..?

No shit, man. Stop blaming your own damn mistakes on Assetbar, people.

Did you learn that at write like a dick school?

i think

maybe

nope, nothing comes to mind

one billion hugs to you sir. you are the win.

Bucky O'Hare . Choose your flavour: comic or Saturday morning cartoon.

oh god I ran out of chubbies :(

Sunday morning cartoon for me, btw. I owe you a chubby, onion_lightly

I remember this.
I have chubbied.

You are referring to Bucky O'Hare and I claim my huuuuuuuuuuuuugs

Goddamn me for not scrolling down the page.

Well if it's on Google, then it must be correct.

You must be thinking of Wikipedia.

lawl.

i'm not agreeing that philippe is retarded, but if you google achewood.com, that's how he's described.

Well he is a little retarded .

Actually, he's precocious. I've never known any RL five-year-olds who could read at his level AND edit a newspaper, even dictating to Roast Beef.

Oh, and true dat about the computers and stuff. Yeah.

The good get on that saves you from a lame. But is not enough to warrant a chubby, either. The two cancel each other out here. Sorry, that's just the way it goes.

He's five.

In the world of quick-draw posting I am Alexander Hamilton.

Aawon Buww. Aawon Buww!

Did you know Michael Bay directed that commercial and won an award for it? It's true.

If Michael Bay should stick with dry cookies and empty jugs of milk. He isn't too good at keeping fond memories of childhood intact.

Good MOOOOOOOOORNING GRAMMAR!

I'm surprised he didn't shoot the commercial with the guy grimly muttering "Aawon Buww" as he squints into the horizon and the camera slowly rotates around him while a guitar goes WAH WAH WAAAAAH WAH WAAAAH

The camera in Michael Bay movies is always moving. Always. I guess he thinks it gives the films more energy?

When Michael Bay originally pitched that commercial to the Milk Council the guy got so angry at losing the contest he drove a tractor trailer off a ramp and into the side of the radio station while a Linkin Park song played in the background.

The Milk council representative replied, "That idea is too awesome for milk, Michael." Then when Michael turned around one representative turned to another and made the finger-pointing-at-temple-swirly gesture that somehow signifies insanity.

oh my God. i love that commercial. i didn't think anyone else remembered it. *hopes to have a chubby for you*

Nolan is five? He looks considerably older than that

Five on a scale of one to creepy, where creepy is numerically a five.

Uuuugh! That scale is disgusting! Is it presented on a helical ruler or something? Dang, that rules.

I would probably subscribe to buses-on-fire-mannequins-inside.com.

yes this is appealing to me also

I would pick up a trial membership, then download a couple videos to show people.

Pretty awesome, not worth $38.95

the site rip would be on usenet instantly, easynews for your enjoyment, delete at will.

Philippe will pay the price for Teodor's graphic desgin laziness.

I think the question here is whether Philippe will realize his calling as a pornographer.

I don't think Nolan would consider his "passions" to be pornographic. Therefore I believe Philippe's calling is more as.... aw fuck it, let's go with pornographer.

Nolan no longer gets off on the videos and websites he subscribes to, but merely on the fact that he has subscribed to them. He is sexually excited by the knowledge that he is a deviant.

Me too.

He might be a sexual deviant, but he doesn't want his vocabulary to suffer.

We haven't established that Nolan is a deviant. Philippe contacted everyone who likes potties OR pals. Perhaps Nolan just likes pals.

Col. White's Alabama Blacktoe?! Ooh la LA!

Sez all you need to know right there...

I think we might have established that Nolan is a deviant - this is a man who'd pay $50 to see coffee with a dildo in it, when the rest of us would pay $20 tops.

The fact that Philippe arguably looks reminiscent of a dildo himself gives me bad pictures of where this could possibly go.

Surely not though. Surely. I mean, damn.

I'm new, please don't lame me. I just have two questions:

1. Sir Hillary? Is Nolan addressing himself? Is Hillary his last name, or is it the other way around? Or is Sir Hillary the name of his creepy email editor?

2. No, seriously, what the hell actually hapenned back in 2002 at Teodor's party? It went from Philippe and the Chinese otter girl getting naked to Philippe getting tapes from his mom with no closure. Am I missing some key interpretation? I mean there's always the obvious, but he's 5!

I think this is a reference to the first man to reach the top of Mt. Everest.

Something to the effect of "This obstacle (mountain) must be climbed."

Yeah, Sir Edmund Hillary, but I think you're thinking of George Mallory, a guy who died before Hillary made his climb. Mallory's often quoted as having said, "Because it's there," in response to being asked why he would attempt to climb Everest. Maybe I'm wrong, but I dunno if Nolan's actually referencing a quote, so much as he's just really erudite in an obscure, Dennis Miller sort of way.

According to the San Diego zoo otters reach sexual maturity at between two and five years old.

Trouble brewing.

Like coffee at the Perky Perv.

I apologize to you, Philippe, for my completely misreading this and thinking that you and not Nolan were the one subscribing to these weird sites, but not so much for my thinking that it's possible that you could have requested larger tarantulas or would want to know about forgotten candy.

The Internet is a terrible thing.

Nolan seems to have quite a bit of money to spend. Perhaps it's just because he's so... good at prioritizing

The two stories are on a collision course! We're about to see some wackiness, yes sir-ee!

I must say I'm pretty impressed. I didn't see this ballooning into a potential multi-faced story arc.

I'll take advantage of the upgrade, please.

from [url]en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sniglet[/url]:
Bananus: The dark, small bottom end of the banana that remains when peeled.

what did i do wrong now assetbar? When will you love me?

Next time you eat a banana try opening it from the bananus. It actually works a lot better (it's quicker, easier) and gets rid of those stringy things.

That's how monkeys do it (and I do it now after seeing them do it on the discovery channel) and they eat a hell of a lot more bananas then we do

That's all.

"Where did you learn to do that?"
"From monkeys. On the Discovery Channel."
That is truly fantastic.

I convert all of my friends when they eat bananas. It is truly far more efficient

To get an idea for what you are talking about, I actually pulled up YouTube and tried to find footage of a monkey eating a banana.
Now I feel like Nolan.
webmaster@monkeys-performing-bananuslingus.com
The internet makes me feel shame, and I didn't even do anything.

bahahaha. Well at least now you understand and can spread the word. The proper way to peel a banana is kind of a moral thing for me I'm happy you're in on it now

That sounds like something Ray's toilet would say.

bananuslingus: opening a banana with the mouth

or would it be eating a banana with the mouth?

Just opening it makes it sound more twisted.

Perhaps the act of actually eating the banana would be bananalingus.

I hope you intentionally snuck in "anus" there. That gave me a good laugh. [banANUSlingus]

Maybe next time I should read what you replied to before posting something dumb :[

Oh NO! Oh NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO! That was a terrible decision!

I'm curious as to why Nolan sits in the dark when he's on the computer.

It adds to the mood, and helps provide the illusion he is sequestered in a giant's orifice. What orifice? Likely a horrible one.

A guy can't be conscientious abot the environment and also sexually aroused by the prospect of big cat miscarriages without being called a pervert, these days.

For shame, internets.

These are all real fetishes. If they aren't, some joker is going to pick up on the karmic fallout and subsequently acquire one or all of said fetishes. Because that's just how it works.

It's Rule 34.

https://wetriffs.com/

Rule 35: If it doesn't exist, it must be created.

Say true.

Oh boy oh boy, indeed!

I hate to say it but Nolan has quickly become one of my favorite characters, because I see myself in him in all the worst ways, and some of the right ones. I hope he remains a character.

Seriously, in like thirty years I can see myself being "that guy."

Better start practicing your Ooh la LA!'s.

I would like to know what that random white streak it... it sorta looks like...

Oh God .

HAHAHAH

Please use larger tarantulas.

Onstad is wrong about wwww.sniglets.com

Perhaps he forgot to add the extra "w".

OH, TYPO BURN!

Nolan upgraded his computer until it was up to snuff in the porn department. That was 1998. Also note the left handedness, the true sign of a sinister deviant.

As opposed to a dexter one?

Excellent latin joke, my friend.

"...up to snuff in the porn department."

Fucking tell me you meant to do that. Fucking tell me that.

Nolan, you stay the fuck away from Philippe!

If the product placement in the first panel helps to keep Achewood going then I say I WILL IMMEDIATELY USE GOOGLE BUSINESS TOOLS

Google Business Tools: So easy, a five year old can do it. And then attract perverts.

This comic makes me do a :( for Philippe.

It makes you release gas?

*Photoshop of Nolan in Nice Pete's place next to Philippe in the van.*

I'm just wondering how Lyle will react to Phillipe's copyright violation.

It's probably a bad idea to use the word "violation" in the context of a five-year-old in conversation with an Internet perv.

Ooh la La! Someone in panel four likes to smile like a donut!

this story arc is on its way to greatness

Please, can't Phillipe have an experience that doesn't scar him further? PLEASE HE'S JUST A LITTLE OTTER FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Maybe Nice Pete and Nolan will showdown on who gets to take Phillipe to the secret Ice cream store?

His visit to the transfer station didn't scar him, he got to yell at a fridge and ride in Airwolf. All in all I'd call that a good day.

This is bad news bears...

Nolan continues his streak of being a person of low taste, Philipe benefits.

Bigger tarantula's emphasise the vulnerability of Victorian sofas

I am DONE with you, Nolan! Get out of here!

I don't think Nolan will be as nice to Phillippe as Circus Penis was.

This strip wins purely for the Sniglets reference.

I was disappointed by the nonexistence of the website in question, though.

The saddest thing is that Philippe's profits from this business will only barely cover the interest that he still owes Ray for the eggs-and-milk spreadsheet order he placed.

is this the saddest thing?

[IMGS OFF]

yeah uh basically this is how i see things turning out yes

why does Philippe have Charlie Brown eyes

I enjoy this character Nolan and hope to see him killed by Nice Pete.

I feel obliged to point out that there's no indication that Nolan likes children (or, if we go with the ultimate definition of polymorphous perversion and assume he's turned on by EV-E-RY-THING, that he would do something horrible to a child). On the other hand, it has been established that Nice Pete's psychoses do involve children, both in the Ice Cream Shoppe and in the "box where the children shall die." Perhaps this story line will be wrapped up in a Jane Austen fashion, wherein Phillipe and Nolan meet, have a brisk chuckle about their misunderstanding, and Nolan goes on to a delightful and relaxed wedding to Nicole Simpson.

This nolan guy has some very subtle fetishes.

Does the spiders-on-Victorian-sofas site involve fresh-faced young maidens in corsets and bustles as well, or does the camera simply follow the spider, and the viewer must savor the delicious anticipation of whom it might frighten?

I'm sorry for bringing this up, but given your avatar and the site you are visiting...are you a furrie?

Which is a not-so-subtle fetish. :P

I thought it was spelled 'furry', 'furries' being the plural.

You just spell it anyway you like, dear, and the horrible lord Satan will provide.

[obligatory "furfag" reference]

This is a new fetish I will be pursuing in my private life.

I'm picturing the sofa having no one on it but the spider. In an empty room. A grainy video shows the spider crawling randomly around on it. There is no sound. It is horrifying.

I'm picturing this kind of like the unholy union of a Tool music video and a Silent Hill cutscene.

Hi there Nolan, why dont you take a seat..

The Perky Pervert and Potty Pals are also affiliated with Planned Parenthood.

I just like Nolan's font

hell of mad props for the sniglets shout-out

Intruthify (v): To make a truth into a lie.

The fact that a person using a potty has a cane simply invites torrents of phallic imagery.

Enter Nolan.

Nolan is terrible, but "there's no way around this one, Sir Hillary" is a great line.

Somehow I imagine he uses it way too much

You have to imagine that Nolan had a stash of Edward Gorey books under his mattress when he was young.