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Enter the Sous Vide. Monday, December 15, 2008 • read strip Viewing 1545 comments:
lara501375 +0 -0
Cornelius is tryin to bring back shag.
keir +5 -0
So is Cornelius English or isn't he? I'm both puzzled and baffled and confused.
zapatos +4 -0
His parents are English, but he was not raised in England. It is in his blog somewhere.
octafish +0 -0
Hmmm, shag doesn't seem right, but then again it is better than root or bonk.
zapatos +0 -0
don't see what this has to do with what i was talking about but okay i suppose
octafish +0 -0
Ah, I may have replied to the wrong post there. Carry on.
pogo +0 -0
One has to respond in the thread, or be banished to the lower reaches. I like the revival of "shag."
lechatbotte +0 -0
I never knew it had left for long enough to need a revival. Oh no! it's the first symptom of early onset old foagy-ism!
cpnglxynchos +2 -0
this is similar to bringing 'sexy' back.

i mean, like, did it ever go away? srsly.
belgand +2 -1
If someone is going to "bring sexy back" it is Felicia Day and most definitely not Justin Timberlake and his dull warmed-over dance-inflected techno-pop bullshittery. That is the worst sort of pseudo-music.
gormster +1 -1
To be fair, Justin Timberlake probably had very little to do with how that song sounds. You can blame his legion of producers with their army of Pro Tools plugins.

(Like Waves Autotune! That plugin is the bomb . It's either proof of the existence or non-existence of God, depending on which way you look at it.)
mattylite +2 -2
LOVE autotune. DIG JT really often probably more for his producers but also give the dude a little credit too, you know he could work with anyone in the world but he usually picks cool producers, plus he's in those funny SNL videos.
telescreen +5 -1
The Autotune has become a travesty at this point because some singers have made their entire living on it and nobody even knows it because its done with an expert touch to correct the fact that they can't hit near as many notes as it appears. I think it's a useful tool only so long as it smooths a rough edge here and there, not as a crutch to make a bad singer good.

The second part of the travesty is that some rappers/singers/whatever have made their living off the Autotune and everybody knows this because they crank that bitch up and sound like a sexxxed up robot human on every song.
rowboat +1 -1
And they don't seem even a little bit ashamed about the fact that it basically started with a shitty Cher song.
telescreen +0 -0
The autotune is making it even easier (not that it is ever hard) to make shitloads of money in the music industry off of someone who can't actually make music and is only a vehicle to sell an aesthetic. Are you good looking? Check. Will you wear/say/do what we tell you? Check. Can we afford expensive producers to use their magic hit formula on your heavily subsidized voice? Check.

We have a star.
mattylite +7 -2
Dudes, you are WRONG about autotune. What stupid idiot doesn't know there is some weird effect when it blips from one note to the other? It isn't trying to trick people, it's trying to sound cool. If you think it sounds dumb, that is your prerogative, but come on, give pop music producers some credit for taking what was invented as a tuner and turning it into basically a digital vocoder-type effect. Plus, god damnit rowboat, I like that Cher song. I DO believe in love after love after love after lover after love.
rowboat +1 -0
I know you do, man. I know you do.
telescreen +8 -0
Listen mattylite, would you consider that "artists" like Rhianna and Britney Spears and Katy Perry are good singers? Becauses they appear to hit every note? The average person doesn't know it because it's subtle, but they've been propped up by the autotune. All three, and many more, were chosen for an aesthetic and all three would horrify your eardrums both on album and on stage if they didn't have the autotune to make them amazing. That's what I hate about the first category of "autotunists." If you autotune all your album work, and then lip sync all your concerts so you can dance better, you don't make music in my book. You are just a tool. An example of two singers that I don't like but respect just a little bit more than the rest of the pack are Pink and Christina Aguilera. No doubt in my mind that they are autotune free when you hear them strain for that high note, but that little bit of grit you hear is humanity, bro.

As for the second group of autotunists who blatantly use the effect because people think it sounds cool, I would remind the world of the story of little Peter Frampton. He amazed the world with an effect that could be purchased for a hundred bucks at any guitar shop called the talkbox, and made his guitar sing. Sounds pretty cool, adds just a little something to those solos. But just like a lot of artists today and the autotune, Peter Frampton has become defined by his neat little effect. And when it began to wear thin and get old, his career went nowhere. Can anyone here name a song that's not on Frampton Comes Alive! by poor Petey? Probably not. And that's why he's doing Geico commercials with his sad little talk box hooked up to his guitar. Cute little effects have a limited shelf life, and I can't wait till the world gets its fucking act together.

For Christ's sake, at least a vocoder requires you to play the notes you are singing on a keyboard as you sing them.

mattylite +2 -0
Oh man, Peter Frampton in those geico commercials. That is sad sad sad. I know nobody ever says this on the internet, but: Ok, you have convinced me, I will stop arguing now. I don't think those people are artists and I don't think they can sing good without it. But still, I do like Justin Timberlake. And that Cher song. And my favorite autotune use ever in that "California... likes to party" song by Zapp and Roger or whatever they were called.
telescreen +3 -2
Hey, nothing wrong with liking shit music because it's entertaining. I may be a music snob, but fuck me if I haven't belted out the lyrics of a shitty song in the car or in a house when inebriated just because I felt like it, damn you. Just don't buy it and support the communal buttfuckery of the music industry. Pirate it.
telescreen +4 -0
Oh, and I'm pretty sure that song you mentioned is called California Love and is by 2Pac and features Zapp and Roger using a talkbox.

A lesson may be in order:

Talk Box: A little speaker that plays whatever notes you play on your instrument (guitar, keyboard, bass, whatever) through a little tube that you run up your vocal mike and into your mouth. The sound reverberates around in your mouth and is shaped by moving your mouth like you are talking or singing and then it bounces out into the microphone. Example: Poor ole Petey

Vocoder: This effect runs your vocals through the microphone and into hardware that forces them to take on the timbre and pitch of whatever notes you are playing at the same time. Requires, like the talk box, the ability to talk and play your instrument with good timing at the same time, but not necessarily sing. Examples: USE or everyone's favorite, Daft Punk .

Autotune: This is a software effect that forces your voice to conform to half note steps (or whatever interval chosen), therefore not allowing you to go out of tune. One has to actually sing, and at least approach the proper note, and when it the voice crosses a certain threshold between two notes, it is forced from the previous pitch to the next. The effect can be subtle, or it can be overbearing. Example: I chose Kanye West here because he is the epitome of a bad singer using the autotune to pretend he can sing. He is so bad that he can't even get close enough to some notes that he's within a halfnote, and therefore forced up to the next pitch.
banzairabbit +0 -0
Funny that you mentioned Kanye West. He was on SNL last weekend as the musical guest [I was watching for Hugh Laurie, not Mr West], and the girl and I noted that Kanye put on one of the absolute *worst* live performances we've ever seen from an artist. Without his little bag of tricks, his voice strained just to stay on key even in simple midrange notes. He sounded like a hamster caught in a wood chipper anytime he had to work to hit a higher note. My throat hurt just from listening.
theguitarhero +0 -0
This is because Kanye West is NOT a singer. He is a rapper who happens to sing on his new record.

What did you think of Hugh Laurie, btw?
telescreen +0 -0
Kanye is a fair to middling rapper, and truly CAN NOT sing. What he is really, is a performer, and an excellent crafter of songs. Songs that I often dislike. But his new route is putting a lot of strain on his posturing as being an amazing artist. I think people are starting to see through the act.

I also totally think they shouldn't have forced Hugh Laurie to be an american for most of the sketches. What the fuck was that?
theguitarhero +0 -0
I only counted two, the dinner scene and the wedding rehearsal one. I think he was speaking in his normal accent for most of it, I may be wrong though.
belgand +0 -0
Hmm... though I am familiar previous-style with Autotune would it perhaps be useful to make Rock Band played with people who think they can sing, but cannot and do not, sadly, let this keep them from trying much more bearable? Could this be killer app to make karaoke not torturous (is not possible, will always be so, is fundamental nature of concept)?
kickstart +0 -0
What about "More Bounce to the Ounce?" I friggin love that song.
nice-on-water +0 -0
This was actually pretty funny, and related:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvoMdjKyEew&feature=related

Go to the end, they talk about Autotune.
smilebuddha +0 -0
Can I throw in a "Oh Yeah" for "Scorpio" by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five? The voice effects make that song.

Show no shame, girl. Show no shaaaaammme.
belgand +0 -0
True, but he was the best actor of the bunch in "Homerpalooza". God, now I can't stop thinking of that awesome Sonic Youth closing theme. Damn was that great.

I generally don't get bothered by it too much because I don't listen to the sort of crap pop music that autotune is commonly used in. I mean, I'm stridently against it, of course, but I never have to hear it so it's not really a big issue. The music would suck even without autotune and the singers suck even with it.

Come back when you've got a band, decent songs, and write your own music. If you're just a "singer" you can fluff my hogg. Actually, no, please don't. You're probably riddled with disease and most of those people are virulently unattractive to me.
chelseadagger +3 -1
What's with the hipsters all up in here gettin' their pretentious on? Did I somehow get accidentally redirected to the Questionable Content forums?
nice-on-water +1 -0
Don't even COMPARE the QC community to Assetbar. Do NOT.
theguitarhero +0 -0
You will be SMITED.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Or SMOTE, whatever.
theguitarhero +0 -0
yeah I realized i fucked up after i posted.
nice-on-water +0 -0
A post late and a dollar short.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Smitten?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Smoten?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Smoten Sie der Assetbarsposter.
zapatos +0 -0
so in love
chelseadagger +0 -0
I would never, sir. Indie rock is silly. It is silly to like indie rock.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Well I like some kinds of indie rock, in their time and place, but to completely hipsterify yourself is just the exact opposite of what you think you're doing to yourself, which is extremely ironic, and considering how much hipsters think they love irony, is one of the most dangerous kinds of irony. Also, all the girls are the same person and dialogue is not musing on purple elephants eating you for 4 panels.
paigejay +0 -0
I'm not sure I follow. Autotuner is an instrument, a way to manipulate/create sound. Choice of instrument does not determine whether a musician is quality.

...On another note :) I don't think it's right to blame autotuner for the failings of Peter Frampton. It's up to the artist to reinvent their style and stay fresh. He seems tired.

No one takes pop music seriously anyhow.
telescreen +0 -0
Y'all surely don't. The autotune is an aid to make using another instrument easier. You'd find it pretty shitty if the guitarist of a band attached a little machine to the neck of guitar that let him play any chord with just one finger.

And where did you get that I blamed the autotune for frampton's failings? I blamed a different effect, the talk box, and his overuse of it as a gimick for his pretty sad little career despite having just about the best selling live album ever.

And finally, if people took pop music a little more seriously as a reflection of what is desirable to the largest amount of our society possible, then maybe it would have to be more intelligent.
belgand +0 -0
I think pop music is perfectly reflective of just how vapid and dumb the majority of our population (and likely the rest of the world based on their terrible pop music, no need to single out American stupidity alone) really is. We live in a society where people really don't give a shit about someone using autotune to fake-sing or having no real musical ability and performing absolutely horrible music. This isn't just music either. It's shown to be true in television, film, and often even in the most popular books.
paigejay +0 -0
I agree completely.

I think that it's the fault of marketing, not the availability of instruments (or devices) which help people cheat. The market's a place where people try to get the most for as little effort possible. It may be disgusting because it overshadows true talent, but the market is something that is inevitable with the structure of most of modern society.

Maybe, I was wrong when I said no one takes pop music seriously. People who mean to profit do. It's sad that people with actual merit so often struggle to make ends meet. Pop music is a strategy not art. It's frustrating.
paigejay +0 -0
I agree completely.

I think that it's the fault of marketing, not the availability of instruments (or devices) which help people cheat. The market's a place where people try to get the most for as little effort possible. It may be disgusting because it overshadows true talent, but the market is something that is inevitable with the structure of most of modern society.

Maybe, I was wrong when I said no one takes pop music seriously. People who mean to profit do. It's sad that people with actual merit so often struggle to make ends meet. Pop music is a strategy not art. It's frustrating.
belgand +1 -1
Frankly I like TMBG's usage of it on "Bastard Wants to Hit Me". I think it really worked for the aesthetic and tone of the song.

I also want to think that they used it on "Man, It's So Loud In Here". Of course, that use would have been largely satirical if it did occur which I'm thinking it probably didn't.
rowboat +0 -0
I kind of feel as though not a lot of people will have heard this, but my favorite use of autotune to date would have to be "Pretty Girls" from Puerto Muerto's Elena. It's nice because Christa Meyer's voice is beyond reproach as it is, so the effects just sort of add a really interesting highlight. So I guess I like autotune best when it isn't used for cheating, basically.
cpnglxynchos +0 -1
both those Giants songs are such good songs.
gormster +0 -0
Quote:
Dudes, you are WRONG about autotune. What stupid idiot doesn't know there is some weird effect when it blips from one note to the other?

Nope - that's only when you push the note transition to.. well, basically 0. Anything under 15ms is audible. Of course there are singers - and producers - so bad that you can still hear the autotune even when it's not intentional. But for the most part, no, you will never hear it.

I've used it to some degree on pretty much every track I've mixed (not a lot, like 15, but still) and no artist has ever picked it. These are cheap recordings, after all, maybe four or six hour sessions, there isn't enough time to get perfect takes. So, yeah, you won't hear the autotune unless the engineer or producer wants you to.
belgand +0 -0
I can't remember what site it was now, but they highlighted a number of samples where you could most definitely hear a very subtle effect that was used in such a way that I sincerely doubt it was at all intended to be heard. Major, popular type stuff.
telescreen +0 -0
So many people do not understand this, and I'm glad to see that I explained the autotune somewhat correctly, though I probably should have said "half steps" instead of half notes or whatever. I don't have an actual plugin, but I would love to play around with it. If you know of a free one that is compatible with Abelton Live you should tell me.
woodenteeth +0 -0
I'm not sure if they've developed auto-tune for a live situation. Someone must inform me.
belgand +0 -0
AFAIK they have. It's a basic rack-mount box IIRC.

Yes, Wikipedia confirms this.
gormster +0 -0
Jesus, that seems fraught with possibility for terror. In the plugin version, it's pre-processing (not an insert) so you can fix its little problems... which there are a lot of, believe me. Autotuning an entire vocal track takes at least a few hours, especially if they are not very good or use a lot of vibrato, because that wavering suddenly translates into massive note jumps.
robbie17m +1 -0
So basically...
mattylite +0 -0
Oh shit you're takin' me back, man, you're takin' me back.

[IMGS OFF]
Pic related: it's from an issue of RB's zine
sje46 +0 -0
Seriously, first time I heard that song, I thought it was a woman singing it. I would have figured Timberlake would be a halfway decent singer.
mattylite +1 -1
I'm pretty sure musicals are the worst form of pseudo-music, even if they are written by kinda hot nerds and on the internet.
puguglypress +0 -0
In that one lady's song, Justin is a special guest star or whatever, and he's all like "People trying to tell me not to bring sexy back".

Who told Justin not to bring sexy back? I think he's lying.
cpnglxynchos +1 -0
i didn't tell him not to but asked why he had to be the main spokesperson.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Because Justin is Sexy-Incarnate.
futhman +1 -0
fogey
lechatbotte +0 -0
Yes! It is but another symptom of old-foagy-ism that you spell it like "hoagy".
belgand +5 -1
Hopefully he'll give the lady some appropriate snogging before he starts in on the shag proper.

Snogging is such an excellent word. It is vaguely, nonsensical, sounds a bit infantile, slightly disgusting, and is firmly onomatopoeitic. It perfectly captures the activity it describes.

I too support "shag".
achilleselbow +2 -1
I've always thought it sounds somewhat violent, like something you do to a fish after it has been caught and not anything I would want to do to a lady.
mystkmanat +0 -0
I think it sounds like a carpet.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I meant 'snog'. Shag certainly does sound like a carpet, which I guess is fitting somehow.
tommycrashwreck +0 -0
Maybe it has to do with shag carpets.
pogo +0 -0
Beware of rug burns on your knees while shagging on a shag carpet.
thegoblins +0 -0
I always thought shag referred to the sound of two pubes rubbing together when I was a bit younger and had very little idea of how sex actually works.

Two pubes diverged in a wood, and I...
sje46 +1 -0
raped the pube less rapen?
sje46 +1 -0
Oh, I'm sorry. That's offensive/unusual.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Also poor.
sje46 +0 -0
It was basically just not very entertaining.
thegoblins +0 -0
Th' Adventrous Baron the bright Pubes admir'd,
He saw, he wish'd, and to the Prize aspir'd:
Resolv'd to win, he meditates the way,
By Force to ravish, or by Fraud betray...

(Alexander Pope wrote this poem called "The Rape of the Lock," back when rape didn't refer exclusively to sexual violence. I just pubified it.)
sje46 +0 -0
Wasn't a big fan of that poem. It was some satire or something, but not as funny as Colbert.
thegoblins +0 -0
No, but this was back when you could be like "Hnrkh hnrkh I did a pun" and everyone would find it hilarious.
soup_alex +0 -0
Shag is fine, but not in the loo.
belgand +13 -0
It strikes me as the equivalent of being so proud of your ancestry that you technically know little to nothing about that if you are, say, Irish you get really drunk on St. Patrick's Day, make an ass out of yourself, and try to kill the English. If you're Scottish you get drunk, paint yourself in woad, and try to kill the English. If you're Danish you get drunk, attack Essex, and accept a bribe to keep you from killing the English.

If you're English you get killed repeatedly by just about everyone except the Welsh. Good for you. You can beat up people who seem intent on the belief that if 'y' is going to be a vowel sometimes 'w' can be a main vowel as well.

The important take-away lesson from this is that cultural heritage mainly involves getting very drunk.
stereo +0 -0
And getting invaded. (but only if you're England)

They don't like to talk about it though, I mean you hear about France surrendering but not a word about the half dozen times England did the same thing. I guess it's just the way of the world that people don't talk about their defeats. Especially when they can pretend someone else is worse. (hey: America only wins wars it didn't start)
belgand +2 -0
Well, France did get their share of being invaded as well during those times. But they totally brought it to England and invaded the hell out of them.

I believe America: The Book puts it fairly well by stating that France had a great record up 'til Napoleon where they seem to have gone a bit off their game. Too much time focusing on Existentialism, fine food, and sex with even finer ladies. Wars not make one great indeed.

Speaking of America there we didn't exactly lose the War of 1812, but we did get our asses seriously roughed up by Canada. Still, it was called a draw in the end so although we got pretty definitively smacked-down for our arrogance, I don't think we can say we lost it. Even though we totally did.

Side note: nobody cares that much about wars where important battles take place on the Great Lakes. This is the way of things.
cracklewater +1 -0
Britain has experienced its share of defeats, but invasions are a rare thing.

Apart from 1066 (which they're always banging on about), the only thing that could even be likened to an invasion was the installation of Willem of Orange.

So, one (oft-mentioned) invasion in the last thousand years or so. What is it that the Brits don't like talking about?

Also, the US didn't start the Vietnam war, just took over from France, but still didn't manage to win.
belgand +0 -0
True, but while there was not a lot of invasion there were certainly plenty of raids and a fair amount of civil wars and other domestic strife.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
That shit was just their soap opera Family Feud.
cracklewater +0 -0
"America: The Book" might not be the best source of general historical larnin'.

For the record: the raids were in the Viking times, so pre-1066; one civil war (plus a peasants' revolt); a fair bit of domestic strife, but remarkably little compared to the mainland in the same period.

I noticed that the Brits are very big on discussing, studying and celebrating their sea-power years (ruling the waves and all that), but rarely mention of the fact that Holland was the dominant sea-power just before the British nautical golden age, nor that the plucky Dutch actually kicked the ass of the royal navy on several occasions in the 1600s.
belgand +0 -0
It is not, of course, my source material here I just feel that on occasion it phrases these things very well.

I will agree that the raids were definitely during the Viking era, but the rest that I mention do still have valid precedent behind them. We've got both the English Civil War, the War of the Roses, The Glorius Revolution (which was, admittedly, relatively bloodless, but still had some fighting going on), the Wars of Scottish Independence, and The War of Irish Independence along with the Troubles.

That not even mentioning the various foreign wars and colonial issues they had such as the Opium Wars, Boer Wars, Zulu War, etc.

I've got nothing against Britain, but the Empire certainly took it's toll on them eventually against just about everyone except the Welsh. Oh and the Scots eventually got sold out by the nobility decided they wanted back in
pogo +2 -0
In broad terms, Pax Romana was extended to the whole world by the Brits, giving us Pax Britannia. Since about 1945, or 1990 if you want to be prcise, we have enjoyed Pax Americana. The whole world speaks our language, buys our music, and uses our money. To insure that, we have military forces everywhere. Empires require blood and treasure, but are in the end very profitable.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Pax Americana is an Orwellian term meaning bullshit spoken here.
Empires in the end are destroyed, for that is the nature of unnatural growth.
theguitarhero +0 -0
We have always been at war with Eastasia.
telescreen +0 -0
I heard about it on my Telescreen. I experienced a solid five minutes of Hate.
mr-siegal +0 -0
Well, I dunno. Aren't overseas adventures part of the reason the USA is basically bankrupt now?
zapatos +0 -0
Its probably because the French don't really care.

"Oh yah some guy beat me oop en hai school, but you know... Now I am boning 'es gurlfriend oui?"

My fake French accent is terrible.
belgand +0 -0
This was so not the right night to finally get around to watching Army of Shadows (Jean-Pierre Melville's 1969 film about the French Resistance in WWII). Great film though.

Also, the French totally do care.

Going back to French film, albeit more recent ones, "Tell No One" was rather good. It breaks down in the end with just a massive facial of exposition, but it's otherwise rather good and even if it becomes kinda crazy-stupid at the end I liked it. Interestingly it's a French adaption of an American novel. It also has French gangbangers in it. It's always somewhat interesting to see the worst aspects of American culture as they find purchase in other countries and mutate into strange new forms or are simply presented in a way to does not conform to our expected stereotypes of other cultures.
nigelchaos +0 -0
French gangbangs?
So we're talking "I'd hit that but I'd need a machete to find my way around?"
belgand +1 -0
I think you may be watching the wrong porn. The French ladies I tend to see are generally much more attractive than the Americans and don't look quite so much like prisoners as many Russians tend to. They lack the carefree, attractive amateur work commonly coming out of Scandinavia, but then again, so does everyone else.

I have yet to see French porn with copious public hair. This isn't Japan.
nigelchaos +0 -0
Chubbie for the visual of a brain in a jar watching international porn and running comparisons!
belgand +0 -0
With the advanced technology keeping me alive I have seen more pubic regions in one minute than you ever shall in your entire life.

Ironically I am tortured by knowing that I will never again be able to participate in their sexual antics. This is the cost.
zapatos +0 -0
Like you'd be able to anyway.
thegoblins +0 -0
Yes, it is, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper.
rowboat +0 -0
Not one mention of Italy in all of this? Really? Getting your ass kicked around by just whoever happens along is basically a religion over there.
belgand +0 -0
I think you mean Greece there man. I will, once again, quote from America: The Book "Have fared poorly since loss of Odysseus."

Italy hasn't done too great either, but the Romans really got all of their badassery out of the way early. They're like a gifted kid who peaked way too early and hasn't ever lived up to his promise since then.
rowboat +0 -0
I was referring to 20th century Italy. But I didn't say that, so yeah.
history +1 -2
This may seem off topic but bear with me...
Whenever we meet new people, I can always tell if my wife does not have a good first impression of them. You see, my wife is English living here in the States with me. Naturally when she speaks the accent gets attention. The conversation ALWAYS goes like this:

New aquaintance: I didn't listen to a word you just said, but I LOVE your accent, where are you from?

My wife: England

New aquaintance: Oh, I'm English-Irish-German-Maltese!

And then I start listening, because if she doesn't like the person she will ask:

"Oh, have you ever been to England, Ireland, Germany or Malta?" and then she will talk about a detail of the culture mentioned while watching the person squirm because they know nothing about these places that they 'are from.'

This tells me that I can be sarcastic/slightly assholeish in the conversation without getting a look.

You don't even want to know what happens when they respond with something like "Oh I've been to England, I was in Heathrow airport for a couple hours waiting for a plane."

We're really nice people though...honest!

scorpio_nadir +7 -2
This makes the regulars' natterings about their endlessly boring sexual meanderings look almost interesting. Thanks so much.
I fear I'm too apathetic even to lame you now.
sje46 +0 -0
The heck? Shut up scorpio.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Are you saying that we're a bunch of nattering nabobs?
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You know this classic? I've always wondered why no one named a group Nattering Nabobs of Negativity.

Nattering, muttering, simpering.....good words. Good names for a goth Snow White's dwarves.
achilleselbow +0 -0
You need to have more faith in today's youth .

They actually had a song with the name you speak of, but it's not up on the site anymore.
choculation +0 -0
Spiro Agnew = Grow a penis.

That is all.
belgand +0 -0
I don't want a chattering blowjob!
jonno +0 -0
More for the rest of us then.
belgand +0 -0
Let me know when the many bite marks on your Son of John have healed.
biff +0 -0
The conversation ALWAYS goes like that?

Wow, you need to stop hanging around exclusively with losers.
history +0 -0
I REALLY wish it wasn't always like that, but it is.
I live in a horrendous place. Education is mostly absent, and the people who live here rarely travel because their whole families are within 20 miles.

Sadly, my career probably requires 2-3 years of this place before I move back to my native climes on the east coast.
biff +0 -0
Even in the cultural wasteland that is Oklahoma, there are places you can go where people aren't that ignorant.

Well, maybe only one or two places in the metropolitan areas, but still!
sje46 +1 -2
I hate this. Here in New Hampshire people think they are full-blooded mafioso if they have a grandparent from Italy. People are way too proud of their heritages. Whenever anyone asks me what am I, I answer American while I am wiping their blood from my boot. You are American. American. And don't think you can get away with it because you are black, or Asian, or whatever. All these are are granfalloons. You need a new way to find an identity.
belgand +0 -0
I'll cut you some slack if you speak another language fluently because you grew up with it.
boredom_man +0 -0
I'm your real father.
sje46 +1 -0
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
sje46 +4 -0
N! :)
zapatos +0 -0
I get very much annoyed when asked where I'm from. I'm Canadian but I moved to the States when I was five and then to Chile from 10-14 and then back to Canada, then back here, then up to Portland, down to Reno, and back here. So... I'm from not here.

Then they try to tell me, that because I've lived here the longest, I have to be from HERE. I don't like it here though man... fux.
belgand +0 -0
But where is here? I'm mildly curious.
zapatos +0 -0
It is right underneath your feet good sir!
belgand +1 -0
Where is it now? Speak up boy!
zapatos +0 -0
It is right underneath your feet good sir!
belgand +2 -0
Ah, indeed I can see it now. Much better.
zapatos +0 -0
FUCK YOU FIREFOX
scorpio_nadir +1 -0
Zapatos- his migrations are the stuff of bad Chile re-Reno's.


Sorry kid. It was like a sitting Duck in a baggie.
timmul +0 -0
I haven't caught zapdos yet!
zapatos +0 -0
How can you... How can you not have caught the most useful pokemon ever? HE FUCKING OWNS
i_love_kate +0 -0
Man, you can say that again.
zapatos +0 -0
How can you... How can you not have caught the most useful pokemon ever? HE FUCKING OWNS
i_love_kate +0 -0
Uh, I didn't mean in literally, douche.
zapatos +0 -0
He owns so hard, I double post.
theguitarhero +0 -0
One post cannot contain the awesomeness.
sje46 +0 -0
I dunno. Nidoking is pretty sweet too . . ..
zapatos +0 -0
He's a poison/ground who can use SURF.
He is the nidoKing for a reason!
theguitarhero +0 -0
He is nidoAWESOME.
history +0 -0
Yes, I feel you on this. I had a similar type of childhood, but with other places. I say I am from the place where my heart is still (not here). In the future I hope to live where my heart does.
zapatos +0 -0
Well I wish you well in your future endeavors.
tangles +0 -0
where the by golly is your avatar from? it both freaks me out and makes me giggle
history +0 -0
Are you asking about my avatar? Someone else's avatar? I cannot use the plugin at work, so I have no idea who you are replying to way down here.
zapatos +0 -0
Keir's.

Also it looks like something from Evil Dead.
keir +0 -0
My avatar is from Evil Dead, not sure which one. I stole it from somewhere or other.
tangles +4 -0
in the loo no less. good to know he's not too classy for some truly proletarian procreating
theguitarhero +5 -1
And afterwards they'll partake in some Victory Gin.

it'll be doubleplusgood.
cpnglxynchos +0 -1
your avatar is clapping in time to The Faint's I Disappear.

this is awesome.
zapatos +0 -1
Very awesome, that is an awesome song.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm guessing The Faint is a band I should Check Out.

You guys should check out Pretty Girls Make Graves. They broke up but they are still good and their lead singer is a female with a pretty voice.
achilleselbow +0 -0
The guitarist started a new band with the singer from Blood Brothers. They are called Jaguar Love and they sound pretty much what you'd expect a mix of Pretty Girls Make Graves and Blood Brothers to sound like.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I know I brought up that very band one time when we talked about the Blood Brothers.
zapatos +0 -0
I remember that conversation. That was when I was first putting "cool dude" to avicons.
rowboat +1 -0
Yeah, man. I love their cover of "Always Rape at Midnight." Shit's tight.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It took me a while to figure out what the hell you were talking about.

For not only remembering that joke but referencing it in the proper manner, chubby.
rowboat +0 -0
See, the point is that different bands are obscure to different people.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I get that.
rowboat +0 -0
Wanted to make sure. It was important.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It muft be understood.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
*so cash
theguitarhero +0 -0
*Shit was
tekende +0 -0
I will have to check this band out. The Blood Brothers were pretty awesome.
modality +1 -0
afterwards, Ray can bring up the hibachi and call the fellows
belgand +3 -0
There will be more shag going on in that loo than in a wood paneled rumpus room.
desert_donkey +0 -2
"the shitter" is more appropriate for a stripper.
boredom_man +1 -0
He ain't fuckin' her in your bedroom, DD.
applebed +10 -1
Dear Cornelius,
Please do not say "shag."
Yours sincerely,
Concerned of Sheffield, England.
prettyrad +0 -0
It sounds so vulgar to these Sheffield ears! Maybe it is just us.
sje46 +0 -0
I like it. It's nice to have some contrast.
i_love_kate +0 -0
If so many Achewood readers live in Sheffield, why does no-one ever mention my rabbit ambulance shirt?
belgand +0 -0
People manage to call existence in Sheffield life? I was unfamiliar with this usage.
rowboat +0 -0
Belgand's Geo-snobbery goes international.
mattylite +0 -0
RB, you wanna play some RB tonight? I got RB blue balls from last night...
belgand +0 -0
Was it not Sheffield that was used as the example for the third-world in Monty Python's Meaning of Life? I could be wrong.

Still, I think of it more as trying to cater slightly more to an international audience. Just mocking easy American targets and reinforcing stereotypes doesn't seem right. Better throw in some for the rest of the world where I can make even more poorly-informed criticisms.
rowboat +0 -0
Oh, there are so many to be made.
belgand +0 -0
Shanghai? More like "lower reaches of my ass" amirite?
theguitarhero +0 -0
u r rite.

[IMGS OFF]
theguitarhero +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
belgand +0 -0
OK, for double-posting on that I wish to know why that joke, such as it was, was funny. What was the premise? Why would I say such a thing? (5 points)
theguitarhero +0 -0
Who are you talking to? Me?

I double posted because that image was supposed to appear in the "u r rite" comment but didn't/
applebed +0 -0
It was the whole of Yorkshire, actually.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Sheffield's not a bad town. From what I've seen it's just 60% students and 40% people who hate students.
prettyrad +0 -0
I swear, when I see you wear your rabbit ambulance shirt, I will walk past you and like a second later regret the fact that I didn't yell something lame at you. The same thing happened with the dude with the "I AM MADE OF POISON!" shirt.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I saw a guy in a Scary Go Round shirt in a pub, once. He kept walking past our table, and I kept wanting to shout "I love you", but my companions restrained me. Damn companions.
quazifuji +0 -0
I think it's more likely that he either doesn't care or isn't aware that it ever left.
zapatos +0 -0
I thought shag was slang for dance. Whatever.
theguitarhero +0 -0
And we'll be shaggggin', fuckin' on the boulevard!
powderfinger +0 -0
I think you're thinking of hunchin.
zapatos +0 -0
I was told that shag meant dance, by a dude living in London. Who knows! not me.
powderfinger +0 -0
i was just goin for a cheap Hasil Adkins reference.
i'm pretty sure you're right though.
theguitarhero +3 -0
"Hey Connie, you just said shag! How come? "

"I don't know, I guess by not givin' a shit!"


(someone with photoshop skills, make this happen!)
modality +1 -0
that is so connie
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
A shag in the loo for two, TRA-LA!
Is never a worrisome thing...
octafish +2 -0
Soooooo much classier than a root in the dunny.
pogo +3 -0
Or a butt fuck in the outhouse.
belgand +4 -0
A buggering in the water closet? A bit of sodomy in the powder room? The unspeakable vice of the Greeks in the privy?
achilleselbow +0 -0
A rogering in the stairwell.
awksedperl +0 -0
The unspeakable vice of the Greeks

Westin Esterhazy!
theguitarhero +0 -0
Sodomy in the storage closet.
stereo +0 -0
What do you store in the bathroom?
theguitarhero +3 -0
My Bowflex Total Body Gym.
zapatos +0 -0
I keep mine in my parent's basement.
catgrl131 +2 -0
I keep mine in the warehouse unpurchased, and I am driving away at kind of an angle to that warehouse.
theguitarhero +2 -0
Owning a Bowflex Total Body Gym is like playing a basketball game. It is only you and the Gym and then you put the Gym in the back of your van and then you win.
biff +0 -0
Towels

Toilet paper

Cleaning products

Hair and skin care products

First aid and other minor medical care products
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
What no guns? No ammo?


You're not really from Oklahoma, are you biff?
biff +0 -0
Um, that stuff goes in the kitchen.

And in the nightstand.

But my bathroom is very very tiny.
belgand +0 -0
Maybe he meant linen closet, but wanted the alliteration and thus used a bit of poetic license.
belgand +0 -0
I actually felt a bit wrong using that because it really just refers to homosexuality and how people were so damn prudish they couldn't even talk about it, but y'know what... they were thinking of two likely very hairy, swarthy dudes getting their ass bang on so that's where it's being used.
awksedperl +0 -0
You should not feel wrong about it. Any phrase which reminds one of the great Kids In the Hall is OK by me.
belgand +0 -0
It's not that. It's that I used it incorrectly. It's a synonym for "homosexuality" not a synonym for "sodomy".
awksedperl +0 -0
Is it? Seems odd the Greeks would euphemize a state of being rather than an act, or acts, in that way.
awksedperl +0 -0
Duh. I now realize that the Greeks didn't use the phrase. Must electro-shock brain. Who did begin the expression, the Victorians?
redphillip +0 -0
Blame the early Christian fathers for the abuse of the word.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, why did I say synonym? I should have written that with some actual sleep going on or something. I totally meant euphemism.

And here I thought it originally just meant Ouzo*.

*No, actually, not really. I've just heard a lot of complaints about it. I almost went with Retsina based on the strip, but decided not to cave in to pressure and go with my original joke. The idea of an anise-flavored drink actually sounds very nice to me. It would be pleasing if there was a non-alcoholic manner of consuming such a thing, but I'm willing to bet that you need the alcohol as a solvent for the essential oils that impart the flavor and it wouldn't be possible otherwise. Sadly organic chemistry does often show me why alcohol has very valid uses in cooking and flavoring because it's just such an incredibly useful solvent for the majority of flavors. If only it was actually safe to imbibe.
octafish +0 -0
Well feel free to use it in cooking because of the low boiling point. I don't know why you wouldn't, particularly with wine. I have a mormon friend and she is ok with the use of booze in cooking because (except for some desserts) the alcohol is cooked off leaving only deliciousness.
belgand +0 -0
No, I do not cook with alcohol either. For one the alcohol is not entirely cooked off, second I do not want to spend the money purchasing something that would see only very occasional use in rather small quantities and, at least with wine and such, would not last very long after that, especially considering how expensive alcohol is, third I don't want alcohol flavors in my food, and fourth I'm completely opposed to alcohol. I wish to banish it from all aspects of life. This is not something that will occur and I'm not going to be a dick about it to others, but I'm certainly not going to cook with it. No alcohol, in any way, ever.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I am drinking this scotch straight at you, Belgand.
belgand +0 -0
I certainly hope you enjoy it then.

As I said, I have my own strong views, but I'm not Pat. I'm not in the business of being a dick to people. I enjoy hanging out at bars.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Assetbar has become a forum of White and Straight Guilt.

If ever a black gay guy came on here the very infrastructure of the comments would collapse.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, he'd have to pretend to be all Japanese and then stab a dude in the most actual of ways.
theguitarhero +0 -0
falseprophet is NOT GAY.
kamet +0 -0
I think I need a picture of Lane Meyer holding up a sign to convince me.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Lane Meyer or Lloyd Dobler?
falseprophet +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
sje46 +0 -0
SO gay.
belgand +0 -0
Ah, blame my sleep-deprived nature for failing to miss "gay" in there.

If Daedaela lezzes out one more time though will that work? Can we sub in Asian woman getting her lez on or is that just too much of a source of chubbies for the white, straight nerd crowd to qualify?
boscostacy +1 -0
Actually, these days, "the unspeakable vice of the Greeks" means "smuggling Eastern European prostitutes."
overgrowth +0 -0
too true
belgand +0 -0
I thought that was Turkey and the... hmm... can we still call them Newly Independent States these days? All the former USSR member states that broke away, plus Russia itself.

I'm told that England has a serious problem with that. I'm also told that we have a problem with it up here as well, but we just get SE Asian sex slaves (and not the kind who are into being sex slaves for their own pleasure, but the other not at all into it kind) instead of Eastern European. Seems a bit odd though. I mean, aren't we reasonably close to Russia? Why none for us? Too much competition with the present Asian massage parlor industry?
achilleselbow +0 -0
We're not very close to Russia, unless you're Sarah Palin. Also, there's that whole ocean thing in between.

Former USSR sex slaves usually get smuggled to other European countries because they're close and because prostitution is legal in many of them, making it easier to operate. If you've ever seen the movie Lilya 4ever, it is a pretty accurate depiction of this - a Russian girl living in an impoverished part of Estonia lured into coming to Sweden with the promise of work.

There is also a big market for Russian prostitutes in South Korea, because apparently Asian men have a fetish for stereotypically Western-looking blondes. A friend of mine who is Swedish, blonde, and rather attractive is over there teaching and regularly gets harassed by guys asking if she is Russian, which is synonymous with prostitute.

As for the southeast Asian trade, I think they would stand out and draw more suspicion in Europe, whereas in America they blend in with the general immigrant population.
belgand +0 -0
I always find it interesting that American men tend to have a thing for Asian women and Asian men tend to have a thing for, as you said, stereotypical Western blondes.

Japan and the USA are more similar than we often like to think. Ask them what they think about the completely insane aspects of our culture.
woodenteeth +1 -1
Fisting In The Feacal Farmhouse.
gormster +0 -0
Feacal is not an acceptable spelling. Fecal, Faecal and Fæcal (what are the odds Assetbar lets that one through) are the main variants. Feacal seems like... poop treacle.
belgand +5 -0
Feacal (R) - The Feces You Need, The Viscosity You Crave
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Author, please, Pogo? As in:
"A Butt Fuck in the Outhouse by Ginger Walker.
lateadopter +1 -0
Pogo, I'm surprised your copywriting background did not lead you to the double entendre "a fuck in the shitter."
hateandwar +0 -0
Man, shaggin never went away, Bay-bee
dreamerman91 +2 -2
I fear the payoff is still leaving something to be desired
tangles +0 -0
i wonder if its too late to get that medallion mentioned in the alt-text in the ache shoppe in time for the badest x-mas gift possible
travisty17 +2 -0
Man, what could Ray possibly do next!?

I feel the meat has a larger role to play.
hedonismbot +1 -0
Sous vide beef at that temperature really could kill you. But it would make an excellent date if things didn't go well otherwise
stereo +0 -0
I've got beef hotter than that in my pants.

It won't kill you. Go on.
wilto +3 -0
Well get him out of there, man. The dude has trauma enough.
theguitarhero +21 -0
The dude is from Circum pantses .
hootplate +0 -0
I'd give this five chubbies if I could. Well done.
woodenteeth +1 -1
What makes you think RB is cut?
echidnaboy +0 -0
[url]https://achewood.com/index.php?date=01262004[/
[/url]
echidnaboy +2 -0
[/[/ugh]
biff +1 -0
Assuming Ray is being truthful about its provenance, the meat is almost certainly highly toxic.

The meat is in a ziploc bag.

Ray has brought toxic meat to the table in a ziploc bag.

This fill me with trepidation. This leaves me nonplussed.

As clueless as Ray usually is, this surpasses even his extreme behavior.

Is it all a gimmick? Does he have something else planned?[/i}

Given Ray's resolution of the situation between Nolan and Philippe, I can see where that may be the case.

But also, given the [i]pulling it out of his ass nature of his conversation with Vlad, I don't really see room for a thoughtful denouement.

HE BROUGHT FOOD TO THE TABLE IN A ZIPLOC BAG!!!
biff +0 -0
cracklewater +0 -0
Maybe the meat was served to drive the lovers away from the dinner table, into the prepared love-nest?
hellofditties +0 -0
This was my understanding.
biff +0 -0
But did he have that plan before they arrived? Before Vlad arrived?

I am not saying that is not the case, but it seems to rely on things that happened after the various arrivals. And he had that food in the ziploc bag for five days.
echidnaboy +0 -0
"It's bleedin' obvious, innit, he must've 'ad a bleedin' time machine ."

(First to spot the reference gets a chubby. Ready, and... go!)
biff +2 -1
Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
echidnaboy +3 -0
EAT MY CHUBBY. FEAST ON ITS VEINY GIRTH.
rowboat +0 -0
I don't usually do this, but nice avatar/comment synergy, dude.
biff +0 -0
If I had realize how the result was going to occur, I would have let it pass.
telescreen +0 -0
[url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sous_vide]Sous-vide[/i] is a well respected and delicious way to cook things so it is a bit inaccurate to be horrified that the meat is in a plastic bag. Actually, one should be impressed that he is attempting such a tricky, expensive, and complicated method.
telescreen +0 -0
[fuck] Ohhhhhhhh fuck you telescreen for being such an asshole and making shiiiity liiiiinks and beeeeiiing suuuuch a KNOWITALL and not knowing BBCode. [/fuck]
margargaret +0 -0
Telescreen? Someone other that me is reading a book.
belgand +0 -0
I would not be impressed. He is attempting a trendy, overwrought method of cooking something because he probably read about it in some glossy food-porn magazine aimed at the sort of person who considers themself a "foodie".

It's a sign of attempted pretension more than a desire to just make the most delicious meal.

Also, while I've never attempted (and likely never will) it myself is it really that complicated once you get down to it? Just cryo-vac the meat, set the circulator to 140 F, and drop it in for about two hours. Pull it out, give it a fast sear with the blowtorch and you're done.
falseprophet +0 -0
And keep it in my pocket
Keep it in my pocket
KEEP IT IN MY POCKET!

TEEEELLLL MEEEEEEEE
When I start to blow it, would you
SHOOOOWWWW MEEEEEEEE
What I need to do before you
HAAAAAATE MEEEEEEEE
I could never live with that so
TEEEELLLL MEEEEEEEE
Before you're better off without me...
stereo +0 -0
Maybe he wants it all for himself so he transferred it to a bag and told them he cooked it way too cool.

Hey Ray I know why you got diabetes it's cause you eat it all yourself
rane008 +0 -0
Apparently, a football team seems to be a prerequisite to a creation myth, potato or no.
anabanananana +0 -0
I love Vlad's interpretation of what makes for a good sexing-lair.
hateandwar +1 -0
It is not Vlad's interpretation. It is simply how it must be. Every symbolic object has it's purpose. From the silk in the type writer to the jam nest to the bag of Polish Army issue contraceptives, it creates an atmosphere of comfort and intense, intense sexual arousal.
explodingbat +1 -0
Nolan?
autrepoupee +0 -0
never trust meat that gliggles

plorping, maybe. gliggling, never.
quazifuji +54 -0
It has a certain appeal.
[IMGS OFF]
deus +1 -0
Surly man, for the rest of the world, you are broken.
For US you are a gold mine.
deus +0 -0
"Surely..."

I didnt get far in my spelling bee.
hamscout +4 -0
Surly, you should be able to cut that with a dildo!
belgand +0 -0
That was exactly what I thought when I heard the "ooh-la-la!"
deus +0 -0
AH! i get it!
theguitarhero +0 -0
You are not incorrect though, quazifuji IS a surly man!
octafish +0 -0
Behold, Quazifuji my brother is a surly man and I am a smooth man.
quazifuji +0 -0
Thanks. I was wondering what to put in my profile.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Surly Man: don't be lookin' him in the eye, nohow. He's just too damn surly.
lechatbotte +0 -0
Yes! And never look a surly man square in the ass! It could be a bit hairy!
usversusthem +0 -0
He was serious! And don't call him surly!
usversusthem +1 -0
(You can, however, call me surly, for the joke has already been made further down the page, and my mood is forever ruined. I now retreat to the deepest depths of the internet to die in a zip-loc bag of my own gliggling, plorping shame.)
falseprophet +0 -0
Capital!
hedonismbot +0 -0
Ah to be young and innocent again...
deus +0 -0
Surly this is where cultures collides.
hedonismbot +10 -0
I disagree. And don't call me Surly
deus +0 -0
But does english bed manners really coincide with vlads own cultural roots?

consider the SURLY SURLY SURLY SURLY SURLY!
pogo +0 -0
Surly you jest.
utv +1 -0
This is cool but I was looking forward to seeing some Lyle and Todd.
autrepoupee +0 -0
for real, are they all just doing some spin-off on an unknown website or what
octafish +1 -0
Lyle/Todd
syx +0 -0
Man, why you even got to say a thing, octafish?
That concept is balls nasty.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Seriously man, that's triple ball nasty. Especially given that they'd both almost certainly be up for it (given Lyle's nonchromosomal preference and Todd fucking all the time)
stereo +0 -0
The only real question is whether, as an all-black character, Todd is entirely hole.
somedarkholler +4 -0
Can a man fuck a tear in the fabric of space(Todd)? Would this make him the greatest man?
daaaaang +0 -0
Actually, I'm pretty sure Todd would only fuck Lyle if he had a big veiny rack.
biff +0 -0
Which he?

I mean, would it have to be Todd with a big veiny rack, or Lyle with a big veiny rack?

And WTF is a big veiny rack?
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Veiny rack a boob, man . Not deer antlers, not a slab a meat. A rack a boob.
biff +0 -0
Well, I was afraid that's what it meant. But I have never seen boobs on either Todd or Lyle.

Much less big boobs.

Therefore I concluded he couldn't have meant that.
cpnglxynchos +1 -0
the thing is though, why find out?
hellofditties +0 -0
Yes.
glorify +0 -0
Someone chubbied this.
I'd like to think it's literal.
hellofditties +0 -0
'Twas me-- Sorry to shatter your dreams :(
stereo +0 -0
They died.


:(
lechatbotte +0 -0
I can totally see Lyle surviving an encounter with Ray's ill-concieved main dish. Hell, he'd even laugh at their creation myth while flipping them off, and eating it whole (to the soundtrack of "Ace of Spades" of course!)
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Lyle would just chase it with a bottle of Jack, then set the Guinness record for longest football-puke.

SUCCESS!
zapatos +0 -0
the soundtrack, or the Album by Motorhead?
achilleselbow +0 -0
I wish that were true. Then I wouldn't have to read Achewood anymore.
tekende +0 -0
A Bit of Todd and Lyle , beginning this fall on the BBC.
deus +3 -0
Even if they ate that thing or not, they still ended up in the loo.
desert_donkey +0 -0
120F in a zip lock.. the loo then the ER.
deus +0 -0
And bearing in mind the possibility that cornelius ticker might not be in full strength.
ER is again a possibility.
falseprophet +0 -0
There are some days I stink so bad I just have to let the whole world know.
zapatos +0 -0
Is today that day? Do you stink so bad today?
falseprophet +1 -0
No today I am so fresh and so clean clean but thank you for asking.
zapatos +1 -0
Hurray! A wonderful day to smell so nice.
falseprophet +0 -0
In my head you sound like Dr. Zoidberg right now.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Huzzah!
zapatos +0 -0
I smell so nice, I smell so nice *whaargggbubbleggg*
i_love_kate +1 -0
It's only because your stink gland is weak.
kamet +0 -0
So Fresh and So Clean!
fictions +0 -0
Ray is obviously not familiar with the cavernous differences between Slavic intercourse and Anglo-Saxon intercourse. Cornelius, however, recognises the hand of Pushkin%u2019s brethren instantly. He is so shrewd.
pppoa +0 -0
Cavernous? In my experience, the Slavic "cavern" is in fact considerably smaller than the Anglo, the Saxon, or any combination thereof. Now, the Gallic item on the other hand...
pppoa +0 -0
Cavernous? In my experience, the Slavic "cavern" is in fact considerably smaller than the Anglo, the Saxon, or any combination thereof. Now, the Gallic item on the other hand...
theguitarhero +3 -0
He had two experiences.
y0uarem0m +9 -2
Am I the only one who thinks this story arc is completely terrible? I feel personally offended each time I read a new achewood.
fictions +1 -1
They aren't Onstad's best, but if you actually feel offended then you have problems.
moissanite +5 -0
Achewood is turning into Dennis Miller!
theguitarhero +0 -1
Achewood has become a comic about frat boy humor and fire fighter jokes.
pogo +0 -0
It has descended into obscure cooking and shagging terms, and I don't care a whit about this old bear with glasses -- wait, I'm and old bear with glasses! Arggghhh!
belgand +0 -1
That is largely what I want out of a comic. Not enough share my interests in nerding up meat and making with the sexy.
fineoakstructure +8 -0
Onstad completely over-Onstaded this one. Every line seems so damn overwrought.

Watching these two love birds try to verbally one-up eachother is getting tiresome. Remember when Connie used to not always talk in paragraphs?
fablesandblues +19 -0
These broad, dissatisfaction based criticisms of the strip have been going on for a while now, and several posters have attempted to classify their lack of enthusiasm in the strip as a downturn in quality. In response, it seems an equally large contingent thrusts forth the argument of %u201CThis is not your strip, it is Onstad%u2019s strip%u201D and expects that to be satisfactory. It is the classic Overzealous Critic vs. Overzealous Fanboy argument, though I don%u2019t think either do justice to the real problem of criticizing what is, in many ways, (I hope) a work in progress.

The fundamental difference between comic strips and most forms of writing (and for the purposes of this post, I will include many things under the tent of writing: novels, photography, painting, music, poetry, non-fiction, television, film, etc.) is, of course, its serial nature. We view Achewood as both a work in progress and a collection as a whole. Arcs, like the Great Outdoor Fight or Roast Beef in Heaven, are viewed as both through their narrative complexion and their individual instances. In the most rewarding moments, the outright silliness of a strip%u2019s concept shines through in service to the narrative, sort of a parallel goodness. I mean by this that the strip%u2019s moment runs parallel to the larger narrative of an individual arc. I am thinking here chiefly of the great strips of the GOF but also of Ray Gets Sort of Stoned or even The Math, though that was a culmination to some extent, rather than a parallel strip.

But there are also strips that are singular successes, the Comic Sans beating, or the Mountain and the Motorcycle, though truly, part of the success of these is the flashes of character against the specific story of each strip, a different sort of parallel success. In the Mountain and the Motorcycle, it is Ray%u2019s boredom and creative, infantile humor that shows its presence. His character reverberates in the reader, as each of us has had moments of such completely ridiculous pleasure.

Now that Cornelius is at the fore of the narrative, there is an evolution of sorts in his character. In the past, he has been one of my favorites. Connie was the gentle, worldly bartender at the Dude and Catastrophe, and the brilliant, underappreciated genius who worked for the Spice channel instead of sipping scotch and working longhand on a novel at his summer house. (I recall Faulkner writing second-class movie-scripts to earn an income vs. the drunk Faulkner that worked on his Mississippi farm and accepted nobel prizes) Cornelius was the quiet, graceful sort who won the badass games without breaking a sweat because he was worldly and experienced. When he made mistakes before, they were fleeting and ridiculous, like getting the Star Wars logo %u201CTattooed%u201D across his chest before we learned that it was in fact both temporary and far more preposterous. Now, though, Connie is figure with real flaws. He is a snob; he%u2019s in love with a stripper who (ostensibly) equals him in wit and class though not age; but most glaringly, he%u2019s a part of the plot. In the badass games, the jokes were not of Cornelius%u2019s success but rather of the other character%u2019s failures. Cornelius%u2019s success was obvious and proper (and funny in that class) and worked in concert with the narrative of the badass games.

When he was duped by three strange characters inside a fancy-pants computer, I enjoyed the arc but it left a strange taste in my mouth. This was because rather than being an arc that featured Cornelius, it was an arc ABOUT Cornelius. In order to have a successful narrative, your lead needs to have flaws. Ray has too much money, Roast Beef has depression, Hamlet is indecisive, and Othello is temperamental and suffers jealousy. Cornelius is a snob. It is insufferable. Pat we like to see suffer, he%u2019s a dick and deserves dickish things. Connie is not supposed to be a snob. We don%u2019t want to see him as a snob. He should be more detached.

This has all been said before. The argument I am trying to muster is that Achewood changes. Pat used to be one of the other cats, not too bad, until Onstad found a place for him: the contemptuous, superior heel. His alteration was painless because it was so early and happened to such a minor character. When it happens to Cornelius, it is both difficult and consciously present as he is the life of this particular Arc.

I, like many readers, took a long time to warm up to Achewood, precisely because it is so character driven, but when I did start to love it, I read the entire archives, in order, from start to finish. This was about a year ago, I suppose, and I followed the wedding Arc with a sense of community (assetbar) enthusiastic about something that has been pending for some time. After the wedding there was a sort of postpartum depression that took hold. What remained of the Molly-Beef romance tension drifted away. This arc is a brave thing, and one that comes in the midst of Onstad%u2019s GOF book tour. Each pause without a strip makes the anticipation for the next strip weighted with meaning. The new strip HAS to be better because assetbar has been waiting. I guess what I%u2019m saying is, lets not be too hasty to judge.
fablesandblues +0 -0
It should also be noted that many people have said similar things, more succinctly. I leave my praise for them in chubbies.
pogo +0 -0
For a strip that's been going, what, seven years? -- you were as succinct as possible, my man. Well done.
daaaaang +0 -0
Yeah, I dunno, I think Cornelius has always been a snob.

Random example: https://achewood.com/index.php?date=02182005
fablesandblues +0 -0
No. Thats not snobbery. Thats being a curmudgeon. Nobody has ever been a snob by being too old for rap music. You're a snob if you listen to the Wu-Tang clan and think that makes you superior to your friends who listen to Kanye. You're not. You're still a white guy who still thinks your taste makes you a person on earth worthy of acclaim.

Conny thinks he's better than ray becuase ray doesn't know how to make Sous Vide. Polly is being a bitch about it. Snob.
theguitarhero +1 -0
I like KanYe AND ODB. What does that make me?
achilleselbow +3 -0
A tool?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Well I don't go around rubbing it in people's faces, so would that still make me a tool?
achilleselbow +0 -0
But do you go around rubbing your tool in people's faces?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Dammit HOW DID YOU KNOW.
belgand +0 -0
Because it's all raw, chapped, and chafed. Try to avoid dudes with stubble in the future. That's an area where beard burn is not awesome*.

*Elsewhere it is so awesome !
zapatos +0 -0
because i have pictures
fablesandblues +0 -0
Zing!
belgand +0 -0
A person with terrible taste in music.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Jesus I talk about my sex life and you guys don't say shit but the minute I bring my music taste into the fore and suddenly I'm the devil!
belgand +0 -0
I would have said that about anyone who professed to like the same music. I may have said this before, but it is my opinion that all hip-hop is basically terrible and not to be accepted as music.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Thats unfortunate. I feel bad for you. Liquid swords and Fishscale dominate my soul.
belgand +0 -0
And here I would have assumed Charles Mingus.
fablesandblues +0 -0
I can like Mingus and the Gza. They're not mutually exclusive.
belgand +0 -0
Did they decide to do more of an open thing because I thought they were. I'm totally out of the loop these days.
fablesandblues +1 -0
Well first Mingus was all, dude, Gza, lets go steady and the Gza was like, you're drunk and Mingus was all, come on baby, and the Gza said, Mingie don't, and Mingus had been talking to Herb Alpert and so Gza was like fine I'll go back and see what David Bowie is doing and Mingus was all, shit, I love Bowie and so they all went to the park.

I don't know where I'm going with this.
belgand +0 -0
David Bowie likes orgies, but only claimed to be bi because it was trendy at the time. Herb Alpert makes music intended to be fucked to.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Well I don't like ONLY hip hop and minus an unnatural love of KanYe's music, it's generally only obscure underground acts.

I think you are also confusing "hip-hop" with rap but I am not the best person to lead us in a dialogue.
belgand +0 -0
Well, neither am I, but there's rap and "stuff that sounds a lot like it or seems to be associated in some way, but isn't exactly rap, but still sucks hard for sounding similar".
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm not going to argue with you on this. I will just state that I felt the same way you did once until I listened to some N.E.R.D and it changed my damn life.
kamet +0 -0
N.E.R.D. changed my life too.

Sittin here in this white padded room...
biff +0 -0
I thought rap was a sub-genre of hip-hop.

This is a conclusion I reached by proxy.
hellofditties +0 -0
People who listen to hip-hop secretly like good music better.
falseprophet +0 -0
The synatx is confusing here.

Are you saying:

People who [listen to hip hop secretly] like good music [i.e. hip hop] better?

Or did you just say something completely nonsensical?
rowboat +0 -0
I'm afraid it's the latter.
hellofditties +0 -0
It was actually a distant reference the alt text from this strip . I don't even know how I remember that.
falseprophet +0 -0
Oh yeah. beef is not a fan of the rap music. This will always be a wall between us.
rowboat +0 -0
Weird. What the hell did that alt text even have to do with a strip about Beef's pee shyness? I must have wondered this once before.
zapatos +0 -0
I listen to hip-hop all the time!

What are you snickerin' about Hellofditties?

What do you mean you can hear it in my voice?
belgand +0 -0
Post a picture of your girlfriend or perhaps some amateur video footage of you rogering her and we will critique that as well. Otherwise you haven't given us much to go on.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I hope you are kidding.

I am not going to do that. I already feel horrible divulging the information I have without her consent.

Who do I look like? Zapatos?!
belgand +0 -0
Dude, think about how I feel? I've revealed a lot more and I've invited people to come by and stay in my home and, as a result, meet her.

So, yeah, that should chasten you into coming up with the fuck-vids. Make it happen!
theguitarhero +0 -0
NO.
belgand +0 -0
Zapatos has stated that he only talks ill of his many skanks.

Also, he would be showing us video of his own chortling self-stimulation.
zapatos +0 -0
Actually you look like my best friend's exboyfriend, Aaron. My best friend's name is Lance.

homo.
zapatos +0 -0
no you don't look me.

[IMGS OFF]

INTERNET PRIVACY ACT
theguitarhero +2 -0
OH GODDAMMIT THIS IS A THING THAT I POSTED ON A WEBPAGE THAT ISN'T ASSETBAR WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM ZAPATOS I HATE YOU SO MUCH RARARARARARARARARARARARAR.
zapatos +4 -0
[IMGS OFF]
zapatos +1 -0
in this one, I'm Beef AND Ray
theguitarhero +0 -0
YOU CAN'T BE BOTH THAT IS NOT FAIR.
zapatos +0 -0
you get to be Phillipe being Woody though.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS YOU VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY POSTING SOMETHING I PUT ON THE INTERNET ON THE INTERNET GRR WHY WOULD YOU DO A THING LIKE THAT.
sje46 +0 -0
IF YOU DONT SHUT UP ILL COPY PASTE THE ENTIRE INFO SECTION ONTO /ASSETBAR/
theguitarhero +0 -0
OK. :X
rowboat +0 -0
Sometimes the simplest photoshops are the best. I fucking love this.
zapatos +0 -0
It was actually done with Paint, and thank you.

and also you are welcome.
rowboat +0 -0
Shows what I know.

You guys look like a Disney movie in the making here, by the way.
autrepoupee +1 -0
did you guys sign a treaty about not having top lips or something
theguitarhero +0 -0
basically.
kamet +0 -0
That's because Stu is the only poster with a "sex life".. the rest of us just get to acknowledge that we have sex occasionally.
zapatos +0 -0
one might call it, "a life of sex".
sje46 +0 -0
I think you talk about it a bit much. You seem to be bragging.
theguitarhero +0 -0
When you go from no sex to sex in as short a period of time as I have you muft tell everyone.
sje46 +0 -0
It is as annoying as my talking about how my life is not as amazing as I want it to be.
rowboat +0 -0
sex
belgand +0 -0
He doesn't think he's better than him so much as he thinks that Ray's desire to do something trendy for acclaim that is beyond him has resulted in producing something that could well give his dinner guests botulism.

He would be more of a snob if, when presented with a fine home-cooked meal, he chastised Ray for it being of low ways and not quite fancy and trendy enough. Ray is trying to show off, but he can't quite do it. His hubris has led to potentially toxic meat.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Well, yes, but the tone here seems to be precidely that. They are precisely criticizing him for his tastes and mannerisms. I don't know a better depiction of snobbery than: "I think I can describe him" and then going down a laundry list of his poorly made purchases. This isn't to say that they're wrong, but he's still the tops despite his gross showing off.
belgand +0 -0
Meh, I have no problems with that. He is a silly man and she realizes it. He is also a fun dude to hang out with and a good friend.

I'm typically more OK with this sort of thing because I acknowledge that everyone does it. Most of my friends also tend to do it to my face and I will self-deprecate as well in the same manner. I try not to have illusions about my general perception and I can laugh at my own faults usually.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Well, yes, my friends do that too. I've gotten no small amount of shit from them. We laugh at our faults because we know we all have them and recognize them and celebrate them as part of us. This is what good times are for. BUT if I brought a lady to meet my crazy friend who has literally been to hell and back in a subaru, and she just starts ragging on his shit, my boy gets a defense. I don't immediately take her to the bathroom to go to bone-town.
rowboat +0 -0
Do you really expect me to believe that you have faults, Belgand?
belgand +0 -0
Not really, no.

I write them off as an observation error based on the viewer not being able to handle my raw power.
mattylite +0 -0
Fair and balanced. Too long but I DID read. I'd been starting to feel similarly but you out it into words. Thank you internet Charles Mingus.
mattylite +0 -0
*put
achilleselbow +1 -0
Okay, just one question. How long are people going to keep saying "let's not be too hasty to judge"? How long before it's not too hasty anymore? A year? Two years? A decade? I'm just trying to figure out if there are any temporal limits to being in denial.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Much like Current President Bush, I think we should wait until a good...50 to 100 years to REALLY get an idea of the impact this is having on the world.

Either that or that's how long fallout takes to clear...
fablesandblues +0 -0
This is a good point, and exactly the problem in judging webcomics on a strip-to-strip basis. I mean, one is free to criticize as much as they want whenever they want, but I think that the best moments, for me, happen when I don't think too much about whether something is working or isn't working. Like, if I go to a movie, I wait till i'm out of the theater. I think saying "That arc wasn't as good as this arc" is great and helpful to spread opinion, but saying "Achewood is jumping the shark" while one reads a work in progress, so to speak, is silly.

I'm not sure what you mean by denial.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I mean that people have been saying "give him a break, this is just one arc, let's wait and see what he does next" for quite a while now. It's like if people were still claiming that Metallica has just been going through a rough patch and the next Master of Puppets is right around the corner, you'll see.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I hope by "for quite a while now" you mean "since this arc with the stripper started". I'm not saying it hasn't happened in the past but at least I have known a significant drop in quality since now. I really do wish Onstad the best with his touring and book promotions but this really has been a bit of a weak arc.
achilleselbow +0 -0
It was also going on during the Shrovis arc, the stewardess arc, and the Tina arc - basically everything since the wedding. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the wedding arc either, but I realize I'm in the minority there.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think the problem is that as Onstad is attracting more mainstream fans, he is having to move away for the surreality the strip was based on for fear of alienating them with a Cartilage Head part deux.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Perhaps. I don't know if he puts that much thought into his fanbase.It's not as if he's marketing energy drinks. I do think that his touring makes it difficult to come up with crazy ideas. Maybe he's sick of being surreal. Maybe HE doesn't want to make a Cartilage Head part deux.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I wouldn't want him to either, but I think when you have a comic whose very starts were very surreal it's hard to accept it as not surreal.
belgand +0 -0
Achewood! It's got what nerdy young men crave!!!
theguitarhero +0 -0
Electrolytes?
belgand +0 -0
Hallucinations, euphoria, and, eventually, melancholy.
doc_rostov +0 -0
Quote:
Perhaps. I don't know if he puts that much thought into his fanbase.It's not as if he's marketing energy drinks.


This concept kind of amuses me. Of course Onstad is marketing! There's nothing bad about it, but he is. What do you think the premium updates are for? Why does he do tours and try to keep the blogs going at all? Why does he publish Zines and do New Yorker articles? There's no reason to pretend Onstad isn't marketing; he's a man running a respectable business and there's absolutely nothing immoral about doing the sorts of things you have to do to pay the bills when you have a family. It's silly to claim that he's somehow above marketing. And though he's aiming for a different audience, yes, his consideration of his fanbase is exactly the same as marketing energy drinks. Find what your audience will buy and work hard to provide that to them. And expand your audience. It's what any working artist has to do.

Also, Elbox: I didn't like the wedding arc. I'd say we should start a club, but personally I'd prefer to start an aklys. Just sayin'.
fablesandblues +0 -0
I disagree. It's not the same as marketing energy drinks. In culling a fan base, I have no doubt that he considers how to make premium content in a way that will make sure a lot of people will enjoy it and want to suppor it, and yes, that is marketing. I never said it wasn't. But the difference is he doesn't have an entity dictating creative control, it's still very much an individual effort, and that is what is so commendable. I said energy drinks because they're entirely about testosterone driven marketing campaigns, the actual content of the drink is dictated by the group that the beverage company is trying to reach. Achewood is, for my thinking, an enjoyable piece of writing that isn't crafted solely for an a market because it still works as writing, and this and some other strips aside, still feel as if the artist is enjoying what he does.

I don't think the comic is drawn so the audience will buy things. I think the comic is drawn to amuse people and that it has evolved to make money for the artist and that this is tremendous and rare. But to claim that it is an empty shell for money, I think that's off the mark. "Any working artist" is a large, large group, and I know plenty who can sell and not comprimise their work into soulless marketing.
pogo +0 -0
Quote:
soulless marketing

By this phrase, I take it that you realize there are many shades and degrees of marketing, and that everyting is marketing, every smile, every compliment, every bit of clothing we put on "markets" us to the world. Onstad is a brilliant marketer, spinning off books, T-shirts, and coming up with a premium paid service, all while keeping up the integrity of the strip. There's nothing iinherently wrong with marketing in the largest sense of the word, but I agree that there can be venal, soulless, manipulative, exploitive marketing, like for energy drinks.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Yes. Or Lexuses
rowboat +0 -0
I'll opine that the truth lies somewhere between you and Doc Rostov. I hope that you both may find it.

Incidentally, what's up Doc?
autrepoupee +0 -0
I think this is our answer. People really started in with the "hm, not as good as it used to be" in droves after the New Yorker stuff, then it picked up speed after the GQ/Esquire/Whatever spread. I won't throw my hat in the ring when it comes to quality as of late (although this arc has pretty solidly blown), but that is about when I started noticing more criticism.
zapatos +0 -0
Come on New Money, I loved the Stewardess Arc.
fablesandblues +0 -0
No I agree, but I thought the return of tina/commadore sex act arc was really funny, and the wedding was grand, and there were some really good single strips in there.
autrepoupee +3 -0
YOU SON OF A BITCH METALLICA IS JUST GOING THROUGH THE TERRIBLE TIMES THEY'LL BE BACK AND THEY'LL ASK SHETALLICA TO TOUR WITH THEM AND YOU'LL SEE YOU'LL ALL SEE
kamet +0 -0
Beautiful.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Is there really a band called Shetallica?
sje46 +0 -0
There's a pretty decent band called Beatallica.
belgand +0 -0
Considering that there is both AC/DShe and Hell's Belles I would say that "signs point to yes".
mattylite +0 -0
Too soon, man. Too soon.
stereo +1 -0
I don't think it makes me a fanboy to say that he can do what he wants with the strip, I think my last "5" was an ironic 5 for being such a terrible strip.


I do think this arc is going on a little long, but that's probably just the side effects of the world (america?) tour. He has to fly places and be things and it all takes time.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Well, the thing is that no one is questioning whether or not he can do what he wants with the strip. Of course he can, it is his. Just like I can do whatever I want with my own little comic or whatever, it wouldn't mean that I'd be above criticism for what I just did.

It isn't like anyone is suggesting Achewood is owned by the public, and we all have an equal say in what goes into it. That would just be silly, so it is pretty easy to beat down that strawman. People are just saying, "gee, I wish he wouldn't be doing this with his strip. It is not as good."

fablesandblues +0 -0
I just think that some people get their feelings hurt when others voice criticism and thats silly, and when one does that they're acting like a fanboy, though in retrospect is probably not a common reaction. The other end of course, is people feeling personally offended by a strip moving a certain way, as if they were owed anything. Again, it is not a Common thing here. It is common in musical debates, here and elsewhere. Bands that move on are often accused of being sellouts (and they often are) and the old fans have a personal issue with the new ones. I don't want that to happen before a movement is even made.
fablesandblues +0 -0
This is not to say that Stereo, you are a fanboy or that anyone else is, specifically.
rowboat +0 -0
I am a fan man, thank you.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Why do we have to be so Politically Incorrect? It's fan person thank you very much.

Keep up that talk and loneal will come back, and not in a good way!

(loneal, if you are reading this, I am kidding.)
zapatos +0 -0
(i am only joking please dont yell at me)
belgand +0 -0
You got your ass beat down at the Holyfield fight? Sweet.
utv +4 -0
The biggest question this raises in my mind is do we want Cornelius to be a complex character with flaws, and capable of carrying a storyline? Or would he be better suited to status as the kindly, sophisticated sage we've known him as up until now? To my mind, Connie works best as the warm, fatherly figure of Achewood with a penchant for cooking; somewhat detached from, yet inexplicably fond of the greener characters; sort of like what Teodor might grow up to be if he ever pulls his head out of his ass. Furthermore, do flaws necessarily = complexity? For a supporting character, Cornelius is incredibly nuanced. Ray, Beef, Pat, and Philippe all have shortcomings that have been present since the characters first appeared, and more importantly, those characters work because of their shortcomings. Ray wouldn't be as enjoyable if he weren't the happy-go-lucky, oft-insensitive man who Gets Things Done because it rings true; you probably know someone with some of these traits. Beef has all the qualities Molly appreciates him for, but the reader loves him because of his morbid sensibilities and crippling depression. Pat is a dick. Philippe is five (with all the good and bad that brings). We do not want to see Cornelius as a snob. It's not adding complexity to a flat, 2-dimensional character, it's dragging a well-established and well-liked character through the mud. We've already seen that Cornelius can't really carry the heft of a storyline himself (see: that mess about the bird computer), but that's okay because we enjoy Connie most in juxtaposition with with the other characters. That's why seeing him trade pithy remarks at Ray's expense with a character who can stand her ground against him in wit for basically a month now is getting kind of grating.
utv +2 -0
oh good lord you would think i'd know to hit enter once or twice in the above mess.
doc_rostov +0 -0
Quote:
Furthermore, do flaws necessarily = complexity?


Spot on. More writers need to actually think about this.

"Oh, yeah! Harry is SOOOO complex! Didn't you read the fifth book, Aaron? He was getting all vindictive and he was so flawed! He was depressed and he did not care about Luna and Neville and not even Ron not one little bit maybe oh totters Aaron don't you get it he is just such a character. I think Harry is one of the most complex characters in all of literature because of that book maybe even like Music and stuff too if you're into that. So what's this about this Nikolai Gogol dude. Does he have an album I can buy on iTunes?"
fablesandblues +0 -0
Ha. This is very well put, a good analogy with harry potter, who, like it or not, is a predictable plot driven story with hamfisted emotional swings slapped on. I would expand this to say that without complex characters (ones that appear interesting to human beings and resemble them by, yes, making mistakes) you're fucked to begin with.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Soon:
Harry Potter and the Ham-Fisted, Obscenely Rich Whore of Bad Writing
biff +0 -0
Certain to sell millions of copies.

I hear Rowling will be making an offer on Windsor Castle sometime in March.
theguitarhero +0 -0
They got rid of one of the best parts of Islands of Adventures at Universal Studios to put in a fucking HARRY POTTER THEME AREA.

Similarly they got rid of the Back to the Future rid to put in a Simpsons ride, which is stupid sine THE SIMPSONS AREn'T EVEN OWNED BY UNIVERSAL.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Harry Potter characters resemble human beings to about the same extent as their fans.
tekende +1 -0
Huge slam on young readers out of nowhere
theguitarhero +0 -0
HUGE slam on wizards out of nowhere.
pogo +4 -0
Huge wizards slamming young readers out of nowhere.
theguitarhero +1 -0
Hard throbbing Wizards slamming Young Readers Out Of Nowhere.

ONLY 9.99 A MONTH!
rowboat +0 -0
And just when I thought no more goodness could be wrung from that joke.
woodenteeth +0 -0
I think perhaps that this kind of analysis of Connie is the start of Onstad, as I've mentioned before, delving into the more personal aspects of his characters. Up to now most of the characters have been amusing archetypes, to attempt to tag true human depth to intelligently hewn, hilarious archetypes can prove a little off putting and possibly ring entirely untrue.

What I'm saying is that this is possibly a transition period, not unlike when the characters actually settled into their current forms (e.g. Connie yelling "I'm definitely not afraid of the police now" to his current sage like state). Onstad may be getting bored with the old format and be truly delineating his characters with more human depth.

And once again, my vote is that Onstad drops this ball altogether (sooner or later) and writes the novel he knows he should be. Still, if you have a young child and a decent business you don't bail just because you want to fufil a dream.
theguitarhero +0 -0
He could do both, it is possible. Not to compare the two but the folks at A Softer World run a multimedia company practically. Joey has written two books so far, and even released one in installments on the webpage.

Chris HAS written books, too. He ghostwrote the two Nice Pete books. I would love it if he did more.
hellofditties +0 -0
Ahh.... I was going to say something hilarious about his book, and tried to Google 'Lockpick Pornography' without remembering the precise name of that novella.

You can imagine.
theguitarhero +0 -0
haha wow.

One Bloody Thing After Another was fucking amazing though. The ending was kinda weird but still awesome.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Joey Comeau is my hero basically. I like Emily's photography all well and good, but writing is more my thing.
zapatos +0 -0
*high five*
woodenteeth +0 -0
*double hands high five*
theguitarhero +0 -0
Ryan North and Joey Comeau are my heroes, I should say.

Do I still get high fives?
woodenteeth +0 -0
Ryan North is good, but Joey Comeau has an interesting literary talent that Ryan North don't... unless there's some stuff by Ryan North that I don't know about.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I just find North's style refreshing. Comeau is definitely better though.

Have you read the interview Joey did with Ryan though? It's pretty awesome.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I love DC and North for the same reason. It's the way I'd write on a sugar high at 3:00am, and I love it.

I'm not a fan of XKCD on most days, but Randall's parody/homage to DC was dead-on, especially the alt text.

Shah
tekende +0 -0
heh. That is pretty great.
zapatos +0 -0
I liked the one with his brother also. I live by it.
woodenteeth +0 -0
I have not. Where might it be found?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Right here.
woodenteeth +0 -0
You have given me something reeeeal nice here TGH. You are, as they say, rad.
zapatos +0 -0
I helped!
belgand +0 -0
I keep hearing that referenced, but is it truly so much out-of-character for Cornelius or is it merely so correctly in-character for tequila?

I think the greater problem is that it was one of the strips from the time when it was still about the actions of alive stuffed animals when people were not around trying to understand the world and experience it. They were trying alcohol as it was something that they knew nothing of. If we look at many of those earlier strips now it's more that they're sort of non-canon than anything else.
i_love_kate +0 -1
It in unfeasible that Cornelius and Teodor had not drunk vodka before.
belgand +0 -0
My point exactly. Cornelius was already a widower and a world traveler at that time. That's why I say that, for the purposes of continuity and such (and let's try to take a Simpsons view of these sorts of things letting them show up when convenient and ignoring them when not) it's best to pretend that those early strips are not canon with the later ones. He was working on something different then and it gradually evolved into something that no longer supports it's own ancestry.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I feel like kind of a dick now, as I think that I probably just read the first two lines of your post before replying to it. That was crass of me. Someone lame that post for me.

Only one person! Only one person!
paigejay +0 -0
Very well put. Thanks.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
And so you should care a whit about suffering motor neurone disease and spending the rest of your days drooling at people named Lucille.
YOU SHOULD CARE, POGO!
pogo +0 -0
Whaaa? Blub, blub, ga go poddy.
stereo +1 -0
And this is why you should never try to get your grandfather a hooker.
kickstart +0 -0
That sounds like an excellent Michael Bluth line from the rumored Arrested Development movie.
stereo +0 -0
I am still not sure if Lucille is a reference to that same show.
philipmarschall +0 -0
Yeah, why is Cornelius totally lame and douchey? That doesn't fit his personality at all. He is generally a pretty cordial guy.
fictions +0 -0
Would you be cordial if you were served meat that went plorp by a guy who was just hitting on your girlfriend?
falseprophet +11 -0
If a dude's meat goes plorp around my lady I don't think I have anything to worry about.
scorpio_nadir +0 -1
R U SHORE?
theguitarhero +0 -0
HE IZ.
utv +0 -0
Perhaps not, but Cornelius tends to put up with such fuckery with affable charm and good humour. Keep in mind this is the guy who put up with Lyle teabagging his special soup bowl. If he really took this sort of thing to heart, would he still be living with the "spaz spectrum?"
octafish +0 -0
What kind of fuckery are we?
pogo +0 -0
Don't fuckin' answer that.
philipmarschall +0 -0
Yeah but I'm not an old bear who has been established as having an extremely docile nature. He got shot and didn't bat an eye about it!

Plus, the stuff he is saying way doesn't make sense. Pushkin getting ahead of himself on eBay?
utv +0 -0
Huh? No dude, I'm agreeing with you. It's fictions I'm beefing with :D
fictions +1 -0
Do you not think we could allow Cornelius some complexity of character? We aren't dealing with your average Sunday strip here people.
utv +0 -0
Cornelius is hella complex as it stands. The bear is able to write captions for the Spice Channel, turn out cheesy romance novels, and still be the epitome of class.
fictions +0 -0
And as it stands he does not want to get laid in a room decorated by Vlad. An intelligent man like Cornelius knows when to be blunt, and I believe this was one of those situations.
utv +0 -0
Hm, fair enough, but Cornelius' bluntness has always stopped short of smarm, a line which I think has been crossed in this arc. Re-reading the strip, he comes off as totally justified in sneaking off from such a putrid dinner for a quickie, but constantly bashing Ray's attempts at hospitality over the past couple of strips has been out of line.
zapatos +0 -0
Ray's attempts are pathetic however, he is a badass and deserves better.

There comes a time...
fictions +0 -0
Yeah, but he probably feels all defensive taking his new woman over to Ray's house. Give him time utv, relationships aren't easy.
utv +10 -0
Yeah, I guess Ray's been the provider of some weak-ass hospitality the past couple of strips. I guess Connie has cause to be defensive after the last time he tried to introduce a ladyfriend to one of the bros...
[IMGS OFF]
belgand +1 -0
In Beef's defense there were a lot of whales there at the time. So many whales! Who would not be driven to thoughts of self-destruction by such a display?
zapatos +0 -0
LOL MOTHER FUCKING WHALES!!!

I'd want to kill myself too.
mattylite +0 -0
But this is the first time he's been gettin' with a real live lady, too. I mean, I kind of agree with you, but you made me think about the last time he tried to get with a lady-- that Voleyball player in his blog-- when he also went way out of character and flew to Poland and climbed around in some ducts and whatnot. It's love that makes him do it. . . ?
flazisismuss +1 -0
We have never seen Cornelius in the midst of wooing. I believe all we have ever seen of this side of Connie is his remembrance of his late wife, and possibly hitting on the woman at the party who liked his books.

Cornelius would have to have superhuman tact to not be a dick to Ray at this point.
lechatbotte +1 -0
Frankly, it has taken superhuman temerity and a stiff upper-lip to keep Connie from rendering his errant host into a state not in the least disimilar to the putrid (if lyrical) bit of sceptic beef proferred in what can only be seen as a gross attempt at culling the herd of its weak and aged.

Frankly, the prospects of a shag in the loo being prefereable to death by sous vide promotes the notion that this weekend's follies have only warmed to room temperature. What will follow? What, indeed! (And can we at all believe that Vlad failed to accessorize the loo?)
zouski +0 -0
Heh, nice avatar.
fictions +1 -0
Affable charm is what you use when you don't have a stripper girlfriend by your side. Things have changed.
randyleepublic +1 -0
Chubbied for gleaning the obvious, but easily overlooked. Still, character development is all very well, but what's the point here? Achewood used to have me coughing and choking with laughter. I miss that. A lot.

OTOH I totally support Chris taking his muse where it will go. That man has a unique voice. As long as he keeps writing, the jewels will emerge by and by.
sje46 +0 -0
The coughing and choking thing only happens once in a while, really. It just seems like it happened most of the time. I suspect.
pogo +3 -0
That's what she said.
sje46 +0 -1
What was.
pogo +0 -0
The coughing and choking, oh, that's right, you're five. Well you see AssetPhillipe, when a woman takes a man's wee-wee into her mouth, it could cause coughing and chokiing.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Probably because you are lost. This is Lachewood. Achewood is that way 2 klicks.-->
lynnym +3 -0
This arc, and a few arcs that came before, are poor compared to what Onstad usually produces. That's ok though; that's art for you. Plus he's has been hell of traveling, yo
biff +0 -0
HELL OF TRAVELING

Plus, it is gifting season, and the Achewood Store is probably more busy than is usual.

He totally has slack from me until at least mid-January.

Nah, make that February. At least.

When things get too slow, I can always peruse my (tragically un-autographed) copy of GOF.
bex +0 -0
I think this arc went off the rails from the moment that lady set foot in Ray's house.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Your life no longer has meaning, I understand.

Are....are you going to do a youtube suicide in protest?
theguitarhero +1 -0
Too soon dude. The guy that did that was actually a friend of my girlfriend.

In other words, not cool not funny not a good post.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
-about a webcomic?
theguitarhero +0 -0
No but he killed himself on the internet.
rowboat +0 -1
If you kill yourself on the internet you deserve to get laughed at. Maybe he was a good kid. Whatever. He obviously wanted people to talk about it. He had to have known that not everyone would be respectful.

Suicide is chicken shit no matter what. But to publicly broadcast it is just pathetic.
theguitarhero +0 -0
yeah I know, and the fact that is was basically broadcast on the cover of most news magazines in the weeks that followed made it even worse.
zapatos +1 -0
Killing yourself on the internet: Kind of cool.

Killing yourself as mothers come to pick their children up from elementary school: Awesome
redphillip +0 -0
Rowboat, sometimes suicide is the only thing that makes sense. Suffering for the sake of suffering is worthless shite. I've seen too many die in painful, degrading, hideous ways when simple self-deliverance would have spared them months, in some cases years, of hell. What possible good can be had in enduring that kind of dying?
octafish +0 -0
Euthanasia is a whole other kettle of ethics, please for the love of the internet, let's not get into that.
stereo +0 -0
Almost as controversial as rap making love to people with severe mental disabilities.
theguitarhero +0 -0
You obviously have heard Usher and Young Jeezy's latest collaboration, Love in This Cuckoo's Nest .
rowboat +0 -1
Redphillip, I think you're taking this discussion in a different direction. This kid did not have some painful, hideous physical ailment. He was just too weak to handle sadness. Now I understand that that happens, and I guess sadness is as good a reason as any when it comes down to it, but he lost any measure of sympathy from me by broadcasting it on the internet. Really. If you're gonna off yourself, wouldn't you want to do it with just a little bit of dignity?
redphillip +0 -0
Rowboat, I was responding to this statement:

Quote:
Suicide is chicken shit no matter what.


This seemed to me too broad a brush.
rowboat +0 -0
It really was. I retract that.
kiyomonster +0 -0
so... why did Vlad fill Ray's guest room with fish and antlers?
randyleepublic +1 -0
Is a thing of strong man bringing best game to stadium. Handed down from father to son.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Or robot to cat. Whatevers.
thickbasssteak +0 -1
the entire vlad ray arc seems to meet its hasty demise
lechatbotte +1 -0
Or is it just about to pay off in unexpected and remarkably useful ways? Only time and Onstad knows for sure.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Except that "arc" was just part of this arc or do you really not pay that much attention?
thickbasssteak +0 -0
i understand that, it just seems like he didn't do much with the whole ray vlad build up. time will tell though, of couse. also, it is an obscure fact that you don't have to be a dick to get your points across.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Well it seemed like you were saying a dumb thing.

Also yeah it did have a pay off with Connie shagging in the loo.
thickbasssteak +0 -0
i dunno, i thought it was too far out of character for him being that polly seemed to make a pretty big deal out of him being extremely classy. i dunno. maybe that's what the classy folk do these days.
hellofditties +0 -0
I maintain that they will take off his face when he gets shot. Liiiee Boottt!
autrepoupee +0 -0
your avatar is ridiculously familiar

is my username familiar

if it is lmkk~!~
zapatos +0 -0
your username is familiar, Otter Pops.
thickbasssteak +0 -0
errr i can't say that it is...
some have told me that half of my upturned head has a familiar look about it though...
autrepoupee +0 -0
huh! Well, that half of your head pretty much looks like half of one of my E-Pal's heads, except upside down. Now that I'm looking at it askance, it also sort of looks like an angry, hockey playing turtle. You know what I mean, when a sports player has two dark lines drawn under their eyes, like they're going to war?

That, but a turtle.
thickbasssteak +0 -0
mmmm definitely seeing that
lynnym +0 -0
At first I thought the meat was giggling , and I thought, my god, we're on the road to another abstract, surreal storyline. Doesn't look like it though. Oh well, the silhouette in the last panel sort of makes up for it.
fancypants +2 -0
*plorp*

*gliggle*
zapatos +0 -0
All RIGHT!
hedonismbot +2 -0
Easy man, not on the couch
noah_j +4 -1
this story line is currently traveling through the air, above a shark.
lynnym +0 -0
oh my god it makes sense now
hateandwar +2 -0
Give it a little time. This has the potential to be terrific, it may just be a little slow to start up. Think of all the comedic potential that exists here, Cornelius and Polly nailing in a bathroom, Vlad maybe gets miffed that his carefully prepared love environment has been rejected, Ray discovers them screwing but is too excited by the idea of seeing Polly in the buff to leave them be, there's all sorts of things that could happen yet.

Give it time. This could be leading someplace wonderful. The whole recent Tina arc ended up pretty rad despite a lukewarm beginning. Given all that's going on here, I'm sure that something interesting is going to happen. Of not, fuck me for having optimism I guess, sorry for not bein' a dick.
octafish +0 -0
Wait, if you are having a knee trembler in the WC you get completely naked? We've always been at least partially clothed in my experience...
hateandwar +0 -0
I've never actually had such a mercenary lay, I'm the kind of asshole who has to preface the act 20 minutes in advance by taking his shirt off and playing corny R&B music.
octafish +0 -0
Hey, no money changed hands, and I was actually alone at the time, wait, forget I said anything.
woodenteeth +1 -0
Alone.

You really try so HARD TO HURT ME DON'T YOU!
theguitarhero +1 -0
and with that woodenteeth gunned down octafish in front of his wife and kids, revealing once and for all the nature of their tryst.
woodenteeth +0 -0
they had all forgotten what fear really was...
lechatbotte +0 -0
In my experience, no room in the house is safe, and no particular degree of undress specified...
belgand +0 -0
Indeed. She is wearing a dress. I see no need to remove it completely. Skirts are better and much sexier in this context, but I can see the value in remaining at least partly clothed on her part.

I do, however, find it a bit rude that they would just go off and engage in the tender act of love in Ray's guest room without speaking to him first. It might just be me, but I consider it very rude to know the gentle flower of a woman (or perhaps some dude's hairy becrusted arsehole if that is to your liking) in someone else's home unless you have been explicitly (or had it very strongly implied in the manner in which such things are done) that it is acceptable to do so. Nobody wants your romantic emictions in their home without prior consent.
stereo +3 -0
It muft be crufted
zapatos +0 -0
I guess we better get this out of the way now...
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, not in my house people.

I was actually staying with some friends a few years ago and they informed me, in a friendly, joking manner, that they were the only people allowed to have sex in the house. It seemed a tad creepy actually as I wouldn't have even considered such an action because of how profoundly rude it would be.

It does also cause me to wonder why people seem to think it's entirely reasonable to be at a party and just go off and find someone's room and have sex in their bed because you want to. Boundaries people!
achilleselbow +0 -0
Will you be okay with it if you are allowed to watch?
belgand +0 -0
Sorry, still a no-go.

I think the best option would be to invite me to join you in a night of carnal pleasures with your associate and it would naturally occur at my home as this is the only reasonable place.

Gotta make me think it was my idea to begin with. That's the trick to most of the more successful scams.
stereo +0 -0
Boy, look at all these condoms. One man couldn't use these up alone. wink wink
octafish +0 -0
Ray is definitely not not known as the Delacoix of French Cuisine. That, my friends, is sloppy presentation on Ray's part.
octafish +0 -0
...wait double negative! Scratch one of those "not"s preferably the unitallicized one.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Ray is known for being a Delacroix of French Cuisine? SINCE WHEN?!
octafish +0 -0
Hmm, I did admit to a mistake with a double negative, so Ray is not known as the DOFC. His meal presentation in this strip is worse than Beef's Ding-Dong Bird.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I know I just wanted to type Delacroix of French Cuisine. Sorry if that came out ass-like it was not my intention.
octafish +1 -0
That's ok I needed an excuse to type Ding-Dong Bird.
lechatbotte +0 -0
So. . . who's the Ding-Dong Bird of French Cuisine?
woodenteeth +2 -0
If your bird has a Ding-Dong.

It's quite possible you're in Thailand.
octafish +0 -0
A small Bailey's a G&T and a pint of larger= a chaser called a Lady Boy. Ahhhh Lady Boys.

A chubby for the first to get that reference. Ahaaah!
echidnaboy +1 -0
"Fascinating creatures. Looks like a lady, but really it's a man... I don't find them attractive or anything, it's just confusing."
octafish +1 -0
Oh echidnaboy, I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb. Which actually improves with every read.
belgand +0 -0
The discussion of that book makes me think of either Spaced or, slightly more likely Peep Show . We finally got Spaced released officially in the US, why don't we have more than Season 1 of Peep Show ? I don't want to watch it on YouTube or such. I want to get the proper DVDs.
echidnaboy +0 -0
I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell...
belgand +0 -0
Ah, so Spaced it is then.
echidnaboy +0 -0
"But just as I was craning the noodle-crank into the pop-drop, a herdsman walked into the middle of our pubic triangle and started to graze his goats. I was about to drop-hop him out of the triangle and tie him to a tangle-bark, but before I could, Jonno decide he was a legitimate T-op and popped his bonk off with a Daisy Junket 750. Brains hazed in a red mist on the desrt floor and I felt a pang of misery for this headless gook, but before long, Geoff had a brew on and we all had a laugh about Jonno's premature eruption on the DJ-750..." Jesus! We just killed a shepherd!

Octafish and I started out with I'm Alan Partridge but I took it in a different direction. I very nearly went with Peep Show but thought that a DVD bonus feature might be a little too obscure.

It's a pity they haven't released more of it on Region 1. I hear playing PAL discs on an NTSC TV isn't as easy as the reverse, but I'd imagine you could play them on your computer with VLC or similar.
hamscout +0 -0
Playing PAL on NTSC TVs is as easy as getting a region-free DVD player. I just sold mine, which I bought to watch a British release of Futurama, Season 1, long before it came out in the US. It was a Daewoo DVD-5700. (Now I just download.)
belgand +0 -0
I do not believe that all region-frees convert PAL to NTSC though. I mean, I'm generally one who is up on home theater, but imports is an area I'm only theoretically aware of because, well, though I have strong interests in films and genres that would make it very useful I have never wanted to spend that sort of money. Also, I do not even have that sort of money. Or hassle.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You are missing all European cinema, and tempus is fugitting. Get a Phillips. Chump change compared to paying for a van.
belgand +0 -0
I have over 500 discs filling my Netflix queue well beyond capacity and I would say that the vast majority of those are foreign films that I'm working my way through.

The sheer quantity of good films that have been released and are being released each year around the world is problematic. I guess it's a good thing that so much of American output is completely without even the slightest bit of merit. I need the time.

I've also been trying to switch more exclusively to Blu-Ray. Best not to be spending any money on the format of the past. Thankfully the US and Japan are finally in the same Blu-Ray region and since we both are NTSC it will finally be much easier. Now if only I actually understood Japanese....
theguitarhero +0 -0
Blu-Ray players can play regular old DVDs as well.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
A good approach. Watching good movies may be the 2nd best way to learn another language.
My stepson used to wish he had the time to learn Japanese just for the games they don't release here. I suppose that's as good a motive as any.
zapatos +0 -0
Its even better than some.
belgand +0 -0
I'm Alan Partridge is still on my to-do list right now alongside Nighty Night . I really need to get to it.

At least I finally managed to watch both Big Train (or rather series 1 as I'm told that the second series is not worth the effort) and the excellent Canadian series Twitch City .
i_love_kate +0 -0
Wow, I still haven't watched the second series of I'm Alan Partridge. It's kind of fallen behind a Bit of Fry and Laurie in terms of priority, now.
robbie17m +0 -0
At least it's not trout ice cream...
zapatos +0 -0
Trout Flavored Yogurt?
lechatbotte +0 -0
look up the use of "trout" in French slang, and then regurge anew.
scorpio_nadir +0 -1
The tell-tale tortoiseshell comb tells a tale-

Don't come a knockin' if the house be a rockin'.
paperboy_2000 +0 -0
"If it's putrid, it would stink bad enough to let us know, right?" Someone needs to set up a sort of body farm for food, a kitchen where raw and cooked foods are left out in vaious situations. Every day, a scientist records the food's smell and appearance. Then a graduate student takes a bite and the results are recorded. We wouldn't have any of this "plus or minus a week nonsense" with proper research.

Also, Polly is totally given Connie a handy in panel two.
zapatos +0 -0
Haha, look at him shake!
rowboat +0 -0
Replace the grad students with prisoners who are too old to work and I think you're onto something.
belgand +0 -0
There is very little difference actually. I believe the prisoners are valued slightly greater however.
rowboat +0 -0
Not the sick, old ones, though.

Really. Leave the poor, little bunnies alone. We should be rubbing cosmetics into the eyes of sixty-year-old rapists.

This started as a joke, but really I couldn't be more serious about it.
belgand +0 -0
I'm not talking about bunnies, but grad students. I don't think it's possible to be valued less. At the same time, like in all relationships of slaves, they are absolutely indispensable and you would be nothing without them. Is tough line to be walking.

As for aminals. Well, it depends on the research you're doing. Cosmetics? Uh, no. But real, serious research? I love animals, but sometimes you really need to fiddle with some rats' genes. Personally I have historically worked with nothing higher than Saccharomyces cerevisiae , but still.

Sadly, this has been a major impediment in finding a job I feel. Almost everyone seems to want rat handling experience and I have none. It wasn't even remotely relevant to my research. I prefer the sort of basic research, but most stuff around here seems to be more medically oriented and they want stuff that's more directly applicable. Frankly, that's also the sort of thing that interests me less. Science, to me, is it's own end.
stereo +0 -0
I wanna be a Grad Student. Sounds like fun. Get paid. Eat shit.
belgand +0 -0
I too want to be a grad student despite knowing better. Not much call in the sciences otherwise. It didn't happen yet for Reasons though. I sometimes worry that it never will.

This is such a simple childhood dream. It is actually making me a bit sad to be talking about this now. I will stop.
stereo +0 -0
Yeah, it turns out most of the jobs I could stand to perform require better than a Bachelor degree for serious consideration.

Plus I hear you get like 12% of an office and I've never even had any office to myself.
mattylite +0 -0
Ha ha! I am a grad student and I was just talking to some other grad students about how I would LITERALLY EAT SHIT rather than eat the figurative shit I have to eat. I mean if say some scientists determined the shit would not kill me too bad. But for real.
achilleselbow +2 -0
So my friend was working as a lab tech at Mount Sinai, and he had to do a lot of work with mice. Unfortunately, the mice often had to be euthanized afterwards for various reasons. He told me this was done via a miniature gas chamber in a special room that was, in a rather understated euphemism, simply called the 'mouse room'.

My first question was: "Do you tell the mice that they're just going to take a shower?"
rowboat +0 -0
That wouldn't be a popular joke at Mount Sinai.

Oh wait. That's the joke. Oh.
belgand +0 -0
Here we make them choke on organic poison gas.
tekende +0 -0
"We used poisonous gases
And poisoned their asses"
theguitarhero +0 -0
Actually, their lungs.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
once again with no emo-tion-
the humans are deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeowrrr....
hellofditties +0 -0
BINARY SOLO!
stereo +0 -0
zero zero zero zero one
zero one zero zero zero zero one
zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one!
theguitarhero +2 -0
FIRST EPISODE OF SECOND SEASON UP ON FUNNYORDIE.COM SORRY GUYS IT'S USA ONLY.

Oh wait I guess I shouldn't have said anything since we are only allowed to talk about the strip SORRY.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
i heard rumors...
(no, not Mr. Mac's)
i'm glad to see its fruition.

a chubby for this news.
belgand +0 -0
14 zero zero...
sneakums +0 -0
There's a serious tense problem in the last panel there. It should be "lest a docent wander in and look me square in the bottom". A hasty change from "in case" to "lest", perhaps?
hellofditties +0 -0
I agree. A keen observation for your first comment, madam.
nice-on-water +4 -1
A fine comic, Mr. Onstad. That's all I'm gonna say.
krutus +0 -0
Chubbied for great truth.
sje46 +1 -0
This is really a great one. The dialogue is pretty good. This deserves a higher score than a 3.7.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I want to take this comic out behind the middle school and get it pregnant!
pogo +0 -0
I want this comic to have my retarded child.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Grizz and Dot Com: Hahahaha.
theguitarhero +1 -0
The doctor said we need boundaries .
nice-on-water +0 -0
Chubby for extremely recent reference. I only saw that one last night on Hulu.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Remember, you are here to protect ME , NOT Liz Lemon!
nice-on-water +1 -0
Exhibit C: 16 minus 8 equals 8!
theguitarhero +0 -0
I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
theguitarhero +0 -0
(not from last week's episode.)
nice-on-water +0 -0
I was about to e-attack you.
theguitarhero +0 -0
How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? I mean they have every race and life form from all over the galaxy but no Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Is this a reference to something?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Yes!
sje46 +0 -0
You just freaked me out but I won't say why.
belgand +0 -0
Not recent enough. That was on last Thursday. It is rapidly approaching being a week old now.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's recent in the sense that it is the last one to be played.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Since I saw it last night it is very recent to me so go soak your head ya big palooka.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, I sometimes watch things late from the TiVo (like the 32 episodes of Doctor Who I've got sitting around or the last 4 episodes of Battlestar Galactica from this past first half of the season), but watching it late on Hulu just makes it recent and not "extremely recent". Just because you watched it late isn't an excuse.

Please take a demerit and report to the prefect.
nbgreene +1 -0
seriously. what is up with all the achewood characters getting hooked up? tina comes back (didn't work out, but still), RB is married, Connie is getting serious. i swear, if Teodore gets a girlfriend i am going to press a revolver to the roof of my mouth.
nbgreene +7 -0
god i'm so alone
rumblefish +3 -0
I don't want to chubby this in case it suggests that I'm happy you're alone. If I lame it to show my displeasure at your loneliness, and loneliness in general you might misinterpret the lame and slide further into despair.
There's no button for Terse Nod That Implies Understanding Without Crossing Personal Boundaries so I'm really at a loss here.
theguitarhero +1 -0
My Feelings on This Asset are...Existential.

Also, why don't you go find a lucille?
belgand +0 -0
Terse Nod is available, but BBCode tends to fuck it up here. Until we get editing or a preview function I'd suggest not trying to use it correctly.
hamscout +2 -0
[CrossingPersonalBoundaries DEFAULT=0]

[Understanding Implied] Terse Nod [/Understanding Implied]
hamscout +1 -0
[mild sarcasm] FUCK! [/mild sarcasm]
belgand +0 -0
Now that is some great comic timing and wonderful work. Sadly I think I gave out my last erections to some far less deserving works earlier.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I will chubby it and let the chips fall where they may. All that angst outs you.

You're not really a rumblefish, are you?

[IMGS OFF]
octafish +0 -0
Oh Mickey, you're so fine...
catgrl131 +0 -0
HOLD THE FUCK UP, my friend had a fish that looked exactly like that green one, named Micky.

If you'll excuse me, I need to get a towel to clean up, as my mind has just been blown.
catgrl131 +0 -0
...I really have to stop commenting on Assetbar on 3 hours of sleep, don't I.
zapatos +0 -0
No, its okay.
pogo +0 -0
Really, we wouldn't have it any other way, you're fine *[i]Zapatoes, get her other leg and put her on the couch[/i[*
dangelder +2 -0
Ray just left that bag in his hot tub all week, didn't he?
fictions +0 -0
Yeah, Ray left the bag in his hot tub for way longer than is recommended
theguitarhero +0 -0
You are only supposed to put the bag in the hot tub for two days, not five, Ray! DAMMIT RAY WHY DID YOU DO A THING LIKE RUIN PERFECTLY GOOD BEEF! DAMMIT.
belgand +0 -0
Well, 150 degrees is a bit over what is typically called for, but really it's the time. It should only be cooked for maybe 2-3 hours most of the time. Using a proper circulating water bath with proper temperature control would also be ideal for safety.

I also note that he does not appear to be using a vacuum-sealed bag, but a simple Ziploc bag and this would likely be ineffective at inhibiting the growth of aerobic bacteria as well as proper heat conduction.

Ray stone failed to nerd the meat enough. C "You'll shit your pants out!"
fuzzyshoo +1 -0
I am basically in love with this arc.

There, I said it.
theguitarhero +0 -0
IF YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT, AMIRITE GUYS????
woodenteeth +1 -0
Amirite. Seals cornices and other wood products with confidence .

... or at least that's how it's always looked to me.
belgand +0 -0
No. But I will marry him to the arc. I will marry anything to anything else. This is why the ULC is the greatest religion ever.

I can never tell with them whether it's a joke, a sleazy way for them to profit by selling you various junk, a sort of scam, or an honest and very hippie-ish sort of religious belief. It has all of these things and more.
stereo +0 -0
Could you marry my nipples? They never want to be separated.
belgand +0 -0
Bring them to the gathering and I will make it so. If not in the eyes of the law then at least in a grouping of Achewood fans from the Internet.
zapatos +0 -0
I'll be there, I will be there.
fancypants +2 -0
it did summersaults over the proverbial carnivorous fish for me after connie said "let's go shag in the loo".
octafish +0 -0
Are you saying Achewood has bunnyhopped the pirahna?
theguitarhero +1 -0
Achewood has vaulted the barracuda.
fermatprime +0 -0
It has leapt the dreaded candiru.
woodenteeth +0 -0
It's Ollied the Orca.
mattylite +1 -0
It has walked exceptionally slowly around a giant whale in a garage.
rowboat +0 -0
That's actually really beautiful. Remind me to ask you about that later.
tekende +0 -0
Is there a particular reason you can't ask now?
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's health.
rowboat +0 -0
It's because I'm trying to find an excuse to go over to his house later to smoke his weed and play his video games.

Let's keep this between you and me, 'kay?
zapatos +0 -0
I aint got weed, but I'se got some chocolate truffles. If'n you knows what I mean.
rowboat +0 -0
I don't. Also, I'm not into that.
achilleselbow +0 -0
How do you know that whatever zapatos means by chocolate truffles is bad?
belgand +0 -0
Because psilocybin should not be coated in chocolate.

As much as I dislike both drugs and mushrooms the idea of coating any sort of mushroom in chocolate just made me vomit horribly in the alternate universe where I ate one.
achilleselbow +0 -0
You would not say that if you had ever tried eating them raw. Just about anything you could coat them in is better than that. The best method of course is to grind them up into a nice cup of cranberry tea.

This only goes for the dried, sketchy kind that you are likely to find in the States. In Amsterdam you can get a package of nice fresh mushrooms that are clearly labeled by type and specific effects, and you can pay for it with your credit card. They do not taste great on their own, but they are tolerable enough to put on a pizza or some such thing.
mattylite +0 -0
I usually like to just freakin' get it over with, I mean they taste like shit no matter what so I'm like fuck tryin' to make 'em palatable, lemme just shove them in my mouth and chew a tiny bit and swallow and be done. But then on Halloween I ate a cherry-chocolate 'shroom concoction and it actually tasted GOOD. I swear. I wouldn't have believed it either.
mattylite +0 -0
I should also point out that I then hung out with Rowboat and he was in a terrible blonde wig, lipstick, and basically like a sheet-like robe that had the words "slutty nurse" srawled on it.
rowboat +0 -0
Yes, we had our minds blown by a delicious snack that night. We danced with strangers, we giggled thoughtfully at strange notions, we annoyed our friends so much that they hated us at first a little bit and then a lot.

It was a successful night.
belgand +0 -0
After making the initial joke I now always see RoBox* whenever I read you name (rarely, I basically just use avatars and sometimes get confused when names are mentioned) or someone mentions you. This certainly reinforces it in my mind.

This is an honor, not an insult.

*RoBox: The Electronic Vagina!**

**The Electronic Talking Vagina? Does this come across as more insulting when it was not intended to be? Like I am saying that he really is a talking, electronic vagina as an insult? I should really just commit to the bit and not puzzle it out in front of everyone.
rowboat +0 -0
I cannot be insulted.

And I like RoBox well enough.
belgand +0 -0
Excellent. I now I just need to find out how Elbox came to be known as such. I mean, aside from the obvious play on his name I don't get the box part. Was it of similar nature? Vaginal pun?
achilleselbow +0 -0
It was a misspelling, much like Homsar.
theguitarhero +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
belgand +0 -0
Ah, so not a replacement for when armpit frottage begins to lose some of its luster? Good to know.
biff +0 -0
I thought you drank alcohol.
rowboat +0 -0
And we drank alcohol.
biff +0 -0
I was talking to Begland, actually.

But it did fit in well with your stream of semi-consciousness.
belgand +1 -0
Never a drop in my life.

I am firmly opposed to drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. I don't feel I need to say much more than this because, well, that would be rude and this is not the place for that sort of dickery.

I like my consciousness the way it is.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
woodenteeth +0 -0
I chubbied you, mainly because such a stance is a fairly sensible one for many reasons. All of which I chose to ignore. A stance such as this must be difficult from time to time. Can I ask one reason why your decision is such?
woodenteeth +0 -0
... and why am I speaking like that.
stereo +0 -0
For me, it's mostly that I am not good at moderation and am prone to addiction. It's easier to "always say no" than to "sometimes say no" turning into hours and hours of abuse.
stereo +0 -0
Unlike belgand I have had a few drops in my life - like Pepsi it's unavoidable (even if you try!)
woodenteeth +0 -0
I have a friend who has made the same decision for the same reason. I know you Stereo. I know you.
belgand +0 -0
It's complicated and I don't have any single reason. Most of the reasons you can think about are all things that I would cite as valid in my own case.

It's not at all difficult for me though. I have no desire to drink.
belgand +0 -0
In a way this may be the truest explanation. It's not that I chose not to (although I can't deny that it was a conscious and specific choice), but I simply don't understand why so many other people would choose to.

I often think of religion as being similar. I didn't choose against something, everyone else was opting in and I just stuck with the default.
sje46 +0 -0
You and I are very similar in this aspect. I don't think I have ever met anyone else like this, or at least anyone who refrained from this who wasn't doing it because he was an extreme Christian.
rowboat +0 -0
I thought that meant that Zappy wanted to shit on me and then fuck me.
zapatos +0 -0
Nah man, I was making a joke about doin' 'shrooms.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I repeat my earlier question.
zapatos +0 -0
Also I'm going to shit on his chest, and then fuck him.

Wah wah waaaangh.
rowboat +0 -0
As long as I all whacked out on some KILLER 'shrooms, I don't care HOW you wanna party, dude!
zapatos +0 -0
THEN WE WILL PARTY UNTIL THE COPS SHOW UP AND THEN WE WILL PARTY WITH THEM UNTIL WE STOP
belgand +0 -0
I do not feel that it has partially circumscribed the Selachimorpha.
hamscout +0 -0
I thought it had successfully executed a judo chop, and swung from dental floss over the ill-tempered sea bass with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads.
chaobell +1 -0
"Plorp" and "gliggle" have to be the least appetizing sound effects ever. The fact that they are shown here as meat noises and not noises from foods one might expect to plorp or gliggle makes it that much more horrifying.
fermatprime +0 -0
Is Ray really the kind of dude who would leave a prime rib in warm water for nearly a week? I submit that he is not .

I'd say he was just fucking with Cornelius, but the plorping suggests otherwise.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Man Ray signed a deal with the devil to get a magic piano, Ray does whatever he damn well please!
theguitarhero +0 -0
s.

Ray does whatever he damn well pleases.
octafish +1 -0
Oh, son, for that you traded your everlasting soul?
biff +0 -0
He wasn't using it.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh, that old thing?
hedonismbot +12 -0
I posit he would. A prime rib is basically the most tender part of a cow after the filet. It is soft, and when cooked properly can be cut with a sharp spoon. Ray knows that it is a prized piece of meat. He has also heard of sous vide. It is a way of cooking slowly to melt collagen without overcooking meat. It makes tough meat tender. In his mind, combining these things will make him the man.

In reality, there is very little connective tissue in a rib roast. Sous vide will just cook it slowly, not really do much of anything. You won't get that tasty browning on the outside, you won't get the taste of smoke or melted beef fat. This would be a terrible meal even if he did make it remotely sanitary (I'd go at least 135 at home).

Fucking something up at a fundamental level while trying to impress people with a skill he doesn't really have could only sound more Ray if he promised it wouldn't give anyone diabetes.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Does anyone else love it when hedonismbot drops the "pervy guy on the internet" schtick and just talks about food and stuff? It's one of my favorite Assetbar moments when you go out of character.
belgand +0 -0
I shall have to talk about food more often then. I just never hear anyone else doing it all that often.
theguitarhero +1 -0
Uh, last time I checked your username isn't hedonismbot.
belgand +0 -0
True, but if you want more people breaking a bit from their otherwise generally typical character and talking about food I'm saying that I will do what I can to help make this happen.

I didn't know you had a special fetish for hedonismbot doing it alone. SHEESH!
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's really only funny when it comes out of nowhere, like this. If you are just conversating about it, it is not a break from character it is just the character.

sorry if that came out as dickish it was not my intention, I thought you got confused!
belgand +0 -0
I thought you would consider it slightly more out of character for me as you seem to believe that I hate:

1)You
1a)Everything else
theguitarhero +0 -0
well when someone goes out of their way to contradict every single thing you say, would you assume that they liked you?
belgand +0 -0
It's not that I don't like you. It is my job. I am a critic of You.

This comment gets 2 stars. I would not recommend it, but if you have nothing else going on that day it's certainly not a total waste of your time, but there are definitely significant reservations.

I will soon be tracking you down, standing outside your house all Llyod Dobbler with a large sign saying "I Disagree!".
theguitarhero +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
tekende +0 -0
Whoa! Look who's being a dick about assets!
belgand +0 -0
Arrgghs! I am not just being a dick. I must review his assets. It is what I do. I don't get a choice in the matter! If I don't have these reviews up my editor is going to be all over my ass.

Tekende's latest effort, though not without a certain fulfilling directness, was not up to the usual standards of the veteran poster. The italics for emphasis? I believe we've been seeing quite a lot of this lately and we could certainly do with some new methods. Still, it was short, to the point, and clarified his general statement fairly well with just a bit of edge. If anything the problem lies in his inability to escape from his own promise. We know he can deliver better and so when we get merely average it seems like less in comparison. 3/5
pogo +0 -0
There's nothing like a good steak.
belgand +0 -0
I'm confused now as to how this is a response.
zapatos +0 -0
You're saying that knowing about foods isn't a perv kind of thing? It is a main way to get ladies.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Sometimes Zapatos talks as though he pretends to get a lot of tail. Sometimes he talks like he actually gets a lot of tail. Being able to cook a great meal for a woman will get you more trim than a pimp's car. Not so much from teenie boppers, but grownup women love a man who can cook something tasty, especially if they don't need to feel guilty eating it.
belgand +0 -0
I concur. Ideally Ray would also give it a quick sear with a blowtorch after taking it out of the bag, but he'd probably totally screw that up as well. I don't even want to imagine how he might have seasoned it not knowing the effects that sous vide can have on some of the most basic of flavorings. I can see him putting some very pricey olive oil in there and making it taste all rank.

Grilling a nice fillet is really the better option. Assuming he has the appropriate degree of skill to handle the grill properly (and while I would normally doubt this, I suspect that he has spent enough time at the grill to get there) I do not see how he could improve on this. It's not impressive, but it will almost always yield the superior meal.

Then again Ray is the type to use a gas grill because it's significantly pricier and he can get one of those massive outdoor kitchen installations put in. Lump charcoal only fool.

If he has the chops and wants to get all fancy-pants for the trendy-food crowd at least just lay out with a proper Bistecca alla fiorentina and call it a night. You need to fancy up your steak with a nice bit of a patter and some pricey rare beef that's a nice solid way of doing it without much chance of screwing it up aside from the usual.
mysterymeat1001 +5 -0
Hedonismbot, I do believe you have the measure of the man. I'm sure that Ray would even go so far as to buy himself an immersion circulator and vacuum sealer without giving the instructions more than a cursory glance.

That week would have been much better spent dry aging the prime rib.
belgand +1 -0
Dry aging will almost always be superior to sous vide.

There's nerding your meat and then there's just plain being a twat with it.
hedonismbot +3 -0
Aging his prime rib is one of the best things he could have done. It is, perhaps, the second best thing a man can do with any piece of meat, short of turning it into bacon.

Of course, given your avatar and name, you would be the expert on these things.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I know something better that a man can do with a piece of meat.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, dry age it and then bard or lard it with bacon.

Also, bacon is great, but people need to get over this damn bacon craze going on now. It's not nearly as irritating as that fucking cupcake thing (which was excruciating for so many different reasons), but it's still going too far.
tekende +0 -0
Cupcake thing? What?
rowboat +0 -0
You missed the Cupcake Thing? What rock have you been living under?
belgand +0 -0
Yeah. Dicks thought that cupcakes had to be made upscale and that they were "soooo cuuuuutte!!!" and started selling them for horrible prices and trying to just make them fancy as fuck.

The problem is that cupcakes are forever just inferior cake that is eaten only because it is easier to pass them out for an elementary school birthday, Halloween party, or birthday celebrated at a trivia contest in a local bar. They are tinged with sadness that they are not proper cakes.

Cake itself is ideally just a substrate for the application of frosting. Not that the cake itself can't be good, but without frosting it is nothing. The frosting is the real star of the show. Cupcakes further reduce that.

But yeah, they even did a cupcake episode on Good Eats. Are cupcakes still going on? I mean, I still see some of it, but it seems like the craze has died down a bit. Pommes frites seem to be on the rise, but I don't know how poised they are to becoming a thing yet. If more places want to open serving them with mussels though... oh dear god people this needs to be the way. How can we keep getting our asses kicked by Europe in so many different ways!?!? Why is the average American so unable to get, for example (and not European at all, but no matter) unable to get a good bowl of feijoada easily?
theguitarhero +0 -0
There is a cupcake place in Tampa that is supposedly Good.
tekende +0 -0
I heard it's pretty stale now.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think they still make cupcakes and are not selling old cupcakes from the last time I drove by.
rowboat +0 -0
Just for the record, I had no idea about The Cupcake Thing, either.
octafish +0 -0
I thought someone would save me from Zapparing all these cupcake posts but noooo if you want an annoying thing done you've got to do it yourself...

Some people... some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say...
There is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of gods grey
Earth as that prince of foods... the muffin!
belgand +0 -0
Frost that muffin!
nice-on-water +0 -0
He poots forth...let's try that again...he puts forth...
achilleselbow +0 -0
I thought The Cupcake Thing was going to be something like cakefarts.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Just smaller.
falseprophet +0 -0
That must have been disappointing for you.
belgand +0 -0
That would have been more of "the cupcake fucking thing" than "the fucking cupcake thing". I shall try to be clearer in the future as to when I am referring to the violation of pastry or its use as a marital aid or fetish object.

Damn, now I'm thinking about a cupcake or maybe muffin shaped like the head of a penis with a thick, creamy filling.
snidedk +0 -0
Because the average american wouldn't want to eat a bowl of feijoada. It takes too long to cook for the average Suzy homemaker, contains icky things like pork that isn't from the chop or the tenderloin, and has an intimidating-sounding name.
belgand +1 -0
But it tastes entirely like what Americans love. It is all smoked pork and sausage and beans and deliciousness. Just push as it as being like red beans and rice, but with even more delicious meat.

It does, in all fairness, take too long for me to make at home. I get mine out. I just want more Brazilian places around to get it. I just crave foods from basically all cultures and less of this bullshit fusion or upscale comfort food or New American or whatever crap people are peddling these days because they think we have to constantly be trying to dick out over our food instead of just realizing that there's tons of great food around the world already we just need to embrace more of it. Not torture existing food to try and make it fancy and "exciting".

The upscale comfort food thing just really bothers me the most though. I don't care what cheese you used or what else you did to it it's still a bowl of macaroni in a cheese sauce. Let's just admit that liking that is a normal thing and it doesn't have to be jacked up to $20 a serving. Simple food is often good food. Just don't go all Alice Waters minimalist hippie on me and try to pass off a peach in a bowl with a story about how great it is for $8. Unless I'm mistaken this happened here recently at Zuni. Except it wasn't even in a bowl. It was on a plate, washed, but otherwise whole. IIRC the price was actually $8.

There is a point in between (I shall now refer to this as the Keller/Waters axis) where food is great and delicious.
snidedk +0 -0
Of course it tastes like what Americans love... that doesn't mean any of them are going to eat it. Hell, look at our "Food Network" - though there are a few diamonds in the rough, the majority of the on-air talent are a bunch of bobbleheads possessing questionable culinary merit telling folks "HEY, it's okay to not actually cook... just buy premade shit and jazz it up with some herbs and some EE VEE OHH OHH and you'll be, like, a four-star cook, teehee!" The rousing success of programs like these is just a symptom of the underlying disease - Americans do not, on the whole, want to be adventurous with their food.
stereo +0 -0
Adventurous ok, eating goat scrote, no thanks.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Yeah, I mean a line gets crossed at some point (many scholars suggest it is the taint) where food is no longer exotic and interesting, and just nasty shit peasants and other such rabble were forced to eat while the kings ate the prime cuts, eventually developing into a "cultural dish".
belgand +1 -0
I'd say that's not so much a lack of desire to be adventurous and more of a problem with the Food Network's positioning. They realized that by kicked off the actual chefs (even if many of them were assholes or had bad shows they at least had some merit in being there) and replacing them with more lifestyle oriented shows that appeal to the bored housewives who want to throw dinner parties and make their friends think they're fancy. Very much the Ray sort of audience, but, well, even Ray is above that sort of thing. This audience is much more appealing to advertisers trying to sell up-market appliances and convenience foods and such.
i_love_kate +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
i_love_kate +0 -0
(I was trying to find the PA strip with the cupcakes, but then the search function wasn't giving me anything so I just went for this one because it's awesome.)
achilleselbow +0 -0
I think The Unhorse was my favorite one in recent memory, though it requires you to know that Gabe secretly loves Barbie Horse Adventures and that the barcode is supposed to be the horse's genetic code.
falseprophet +0 -0
Really? I have been a fan of Penny Arade since small times but I did not remember that character trait of Gabe's. I just opened the strip and it was Gabe playing Barbie Horse Adventures and I just nodded and then shook my head.
achilleselbow +0 -0
It doesn't come up often but it was definitely in a couple of earlier strips. They had not referenced it in a while, which made it all the more rewarding.
tekende +0 -0
I can't find it because Penny Arcade's search function is woefully lacking, but there was a strip a couple years ago where Microsoft is doing a survey to decide what games should be backwards compatible with the 360, and Gabe, along with a few little girls, choose Barbie Horse Adventures as one of the games. I'm pretty sure it was the first mention of Gabe's love of Barbie horse things.
sje46 +0 -0
https://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2006/20060109h.jpg
Found it in less than a minute, and I don't even read the strip.
tekende +0 -0
Dang, nice, man. How'd you manage that? I tried searching for, like, "Barbie" and "horse" and got no results.
sje46 +0 -0
Google.
tekende +0 -0
...Ah. Yeah. I guess I been meanin' to use a little Google.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Then why you drink so much at night.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, I think that's the first one alright. Gabe is often used in such a manner to explain why terrible things exist in the world. Such as his ideas leading to BMX XXX.
belgand +0 -0
Heh... remember The Bench? I wonder whatever happened to those strips.

But yeah, Elbox is right, it's not a common thing and it always seemed like more of a joke or such, but it is something he was at least into once or twice. Basically I accept that Gabe is going to be into crazy things for poorly explored reasons. It is his nature.
sje46 +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
And you people criticize me for not Googling.
neo-aeris +0 -0
Cupcakes are effin' everywhere.

[IMGS OFF]
i_love_kate +0 -0
Neo-Aeris wins.
falseprophet +0 -0
I don't remember this strip but I like it. I haven't played Enchanted Arms but it seems like RPGs get an irrational amount of flack for sticking to the genre when so other game genres innovate. It's like your RPG has to be Final Fantasy XII now or better or else it's complete shit.
falseprophet +0 -0
*so few other game genres innovate
belgand +0 -0
But didn't XII basically take most of the control away from the player? I know that's a major reason why I didn't want to play it.

Dungeon Siege is even worse though. It was a somewhat decent rip-off of Diablo when you only had one person in your party, but when you start adding more it just feels like you're the equipment manager for a group of adventurers. You pick up treasure, outfit them, and then sell off what you don't want in the next town along the one, linear path that literally leads directly through the entire game.

My girlfriend likes it, but I suspect that the main reason is because she likes the donkey you get. She prefer the first one named Flare.
achilleselbow +0 -0
That is pretty much how I feel about dogs.
belgand +0 -0
Hmm... my issue is that cupcakes lack the same high frosting-to-cake ratio that we have in proper cakes. I also spurn sheet cakes for this very same reason. It's layer cakes or nothing.

Of course, I have also been known to just scoop ready-made frosting out of the tub with Nilla wafers and eat it directly. Or eat cold chocolate frosting from the fridge with a spoon.

As I think I've said before, nothing can ever possibly be too sweet.
octafish +0 -0
I though it was a Meatballs reference. As in "Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's MYSTERY MEAT contest is Jeffrey
Corbin who guessed "some kind of beef."
fermatprime +0 -0
Aha. When you explain the reasoning behind it, it certainly makes more sense.

I am not a foodnerd, and figured Ray was just being wacky/stupid. Chubbied, good sir.
zwab +0 -0
If he were to follow the sous vide'd rib with a quick searing, if he has a skillet large enough--or, if he desired, he could separate the ribs and prepare them individually--in order to achieve the results of the Maillard reaction on the fat--browning and added flavor and so on--he would, achieve the optimal tenderness of the sous vide method (which is still more tender than if it had been cooked conventionally) while retaining the "taste of smoke [and/]or melted beef fat." This, to the best of my knowledge, is actually the preferred method for many professional chefs preparing meat by sous vide. However, Ray's decision to cook it in the water bath for five days is way off the mark--even at 120ºF, which anyway is slightly too cold even for rare rib, four and a half hours should suffice, since, as hedonismbot points out, prime rib is a tender cut of meat and does not need the collagen-dissolving effects of braising the meet for lengthy periods of time (which even so need not exceed 100 hours). With a cut such as prime rib, the benefits are extremely negligible--and all this is assuming that he took the proper precautions against health risks, which he may well have not.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Ray did invent Sanitaco, so I assume he would take the appropriate sanitary precautions when entertaining his dear friend Connie...assuming Lyle hadn't found out about it and shaved his pubes on it or something.

Also, the meat should be just fine as long as it reaches 160 F and sits at 140 F internal temp.

Fuck you food service...
pogo +1 -1
Way beyond wierd, this one is just strange. I don't even want to know what all those words mean.
theguitarhero +0 -0
French Culinary Magical Realism involves made up food terms.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Tortoiseshell comb? Okapi glowpotato? Sounds like some references specifically intended not to be understood... cha-cha .
eclair +0 -1
Is anybody else tired of Cornelius' overly verbose observations? Try reading them out loud- they leave you out of breath, aching for a semicolon or comma. This arc needs to die already.
theguitarhero +0 -0
He's BRITISH of course it's verbose!
autrepoupee +12 -0
He's not British, and there is a whole lot more street urchin, Jack-the-Lad style speak there, anyway.

OY M8 WHERES UR DOGGIN LOO AYE ERE WE GO; RIGHT UP ER FANNY IT GOES THEN~~~
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh my god that made me laff so much harder than I should at almost 1 in the morning.
lechatbotte +0 -0
That was actually funnier than the strip! (Careful, Autrepoupee - they could ban you for such cleverness.)
belgand +1 -1
A few issues with that. For one, would not the loo for dogging be, at least, in such as a public park and most definitely not a private home? Keep in mind, always, the difference in meaning between a British fanny and an American one. I suggest first one and then the other, but not all ladies will appreciate being Americanized in this fashion. I also suggest that we keep our history in mind and realize that once you've gone American you can never go British again without washing off quite a bit unless you want to potentially cause all sorts of nasty infections.

Have they got off Cockney Rhyming Slang yet? I do hate that ever so much.
rowboat +0 -0
Autrepoupee is funny. Just leave it alone.
ashoykh +0 -0
my search for where to deposit my first chubby is over
mattylite +0 -0
Damn, most people kinda waste their first one in like a wet dream or an awkward stab at masturbation.
chivalress +0 -1
Would chubby if I could--Cornelius is good in moderation. Here, not only does he seem like he's being a dick in a way that I think is out of character, his verbosity is just running completely wild to the point where it's just tiresome to read--it just feels like trying too hard, you know? I can't wait for this arc to be over, but at this one-strip-a-week rate, it could be a while.
puguglypress +0 -0
Maybe for Christmas we'll get a good comic
belgand +0 -0
Hey man, Chrohn's is so not fun. You will never find yourself aching for a semi-colon or, if you do, this will be something that you desire.
achilleselbow +2 -0
This has been the case with nearly every character. Onstad has not been able to come up with a clever and funny plotline in about a year, so instead he tries to make every single panel into a punchline by stuffing it with forced metaphors and unnecessary cultural references.

When was the last time you heard Achewood characters actually talk to each other instead of sounding like they were in some kind of Achewood theater adaptation?
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Well stated. Personally, I wouldn't be as concrete about it all (there have been strips I've liked over the last year), but the general points I totally agree with.
belgand +0 -0
Oh, you mean the way we speak to one another on Assetbar? Filled with the desire to be funny, sound Achewoody, and make numerous cultural and Achewood references?

C'mon man... when's the last time we just sat down and talked .
achilleselbow +0 -0
Yes, exactly. Achewood has become Assetbar.

That's just so postmodern.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Achewood has become a meta-forum for nerdy dudes in their mid-to-late-30s.

(I need to find a new schtick...)
belgand +0 -0
I'm still in my mid-twenties. Elbox is likewise. Nobody in this particular thread is past their early-thirties. This is incorrect.

We're not all as old as you seem to want to think we are. I was in college myself only a few years ago.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Ok maybe I should have stated that there are some outliers (I do realize that most of you are in your twenties) but I'm guessing if you took the average age of the normal Assetbarbarian it would be in the range I presented.

I wanted to say Average in there but it didn't flow right. I misspoke.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I think the median would be a better representation than the average because Pogo is like a million years old.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Actually is the profile boxes are in anyway accurate there are quite a few 50 's on Assetbar.

On the other end of the spectrum catgrl is like 10 years old.
sje46 +0 -0
Catgrl is young as f%$#.
rowboat +0 -0
Baryly legal.
sje46 +0 -0
That wasn't me!

Look, everyone, it onyxly wasn't me!

sje46 +0 -0
Dang.
zapatos +0 -0
'awesome'
belgand +0 -0
Ah, I misunderstood then. I was just thinking of those of us discussing this specific thread.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I was speaking about the forum in general, but I guess it is easy to get confused because I never specifically mentioned what I was talking about.
belgand +0 -0
Not a problem. Want me to toss you off to show there's no hard feelings over it?
achilleselbow +0 -0
Not on the couch, fellas.
belgand +0 -0
And that's how the cumshot got there.
stereo +0 -0
Okay guys that's a wrap, Achewood is over. Everything is answered.
theguitarhero +0 -0
no we still don't know where the banjo monster took Pat.
belgand +0 -0
To Cafe Gratitude .

Quote:
Cafe Gratitude is our expression of a world of plenty. Our food and people are a celebration of our aliveness. We select the finest organic ingredients to honor the earth and ourselves, as we are one and the same. We support local farmers, sustainable agriculture, and environmentally-friendly products. Our food is prepared with love. We invite you to step inside and enjoy being someone who chooses: loving your life, adoring yourself, accepting the world, being generous and grateful every day, and experiencing being provided for. Have fun and enjoy being nourished.


All of their menu items are something like "I am Fulfilled" or "I Am Giving" and you are required to say the full, listed name to order it because it's part of their thing. The waiter will then say "You are Foo!". I've heard even worse stories from them, but well, I simply cannot begin to go near that sort of place.

It is entirely the sort of thing that Pat would seem to like, but still find a way to be a total dick about.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Pat would all be having a franchise to that shit. I would so crap on a plate in their establishment, and say "I Am Recycling" .
belgand +0 -0
He's not a franchisee. He's an co-beneficial enablement partner .

I was frankly surprised to find that they have so many locations. It seems like a one-off sort of place.
tekende +0 -0
It seems like the kind of place that would make me so angry I might kill a man.
sje46 +0 -0
Here is something you can't understand.
falseprophet +0 -0
How I could just... Hug a man?
stereo +0 -0
Put... you wanna put down that knife first.

Mmmmkay?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Wait do you mean that characters in Achewood are talking like they are... CHARACTERS IN ACHEWOOD????

Seriously though, when have they ever talked to each other in a manner similar to how a normal person would talk?

You are still spot on. I maybe only be reiterating what you said, I am having trouble with sarcasm this early in the morning.
belgand +0 -0
It was always slightly stylized, but in a way that still felt natural. Now it's moving beyond that is what he's saying.

I'm trying to come up with a good example, but I can't think of one where people won't just say that it was always excessively artificial and stylized. Conversation requires a certain amount of style to it to begin with. A dash of flair and personality. If it's not there then you're just flapping meat at each other.
theguitarhero +0 -0
While I agree that, in the past, and ESPECIALLY with the Ray and Beef chats, it's flowed alot better, but Achewood dialogue has always been overstuffed with obscure references and unnecessary prose. I think it's only more pronounced now because we are more becoming more aware of some of the faults in the strip.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Obscure references specifically have only recently started cropping up in just about every strip.

Whoever it was that first said Achewood was turning into Dennis Miller was pretty much right on. At least, Cornelius is turning into Dennis Miller. The unnecessary prose was more or less clever turns-of-a-phrase, and assorted wordplay. It wasn't really these epic paragraphs, chockful of Words and References.

in other words:
I no like-a the references. When I am younger, sure, ok, but not so much now. Maybe I change, maybe they change. Who knows?
i_love_kate +0 -0
Even if the Okapi creation myth and tortoiseshell comb, the examples you mentioned before, are indeed references, they're certainly not ones that rely on specific prior knowledge to be appreciated. The tortoiseshell comb is clearly a sign used to imply that the person or people who left it are engaging in coitus. Whether this is true for real life or not, what Cornelius is implying is easy to understand. In terms of the Okapi and the potato, I somewhat doubt that there's much more meaning to it than it being an appropriately unsanitary-sounding idea for how a culture of bacteria might explain its creation.

Not being American, I'm one of the readers who's easily more susceptible to missing a reference, and I really don't feel like I've been kept in the dark, here. Ovewrought analogies have been a feature of Achewood dialogue since the golden ages, and if Cornelius' dialogue has altered at all since the arrival of Polly, it's likely just because he now feels that he can speak in confidence that however much florid nonsense spouts from his gob, she will be able to understand it, or at least a lot better than the likes of Ray or Todd.
rowboat +7 -2
Alright.

Enough.

This is officially the last straw.

I've been very patient with this. I've kind of liked a few individual strips from it. I've tried to stay upbeat. Ray's part has been as strong as ever, I think. But somehow this is it. It's very clear to me now; this is the least interesting arc that has ever been. Polly is the least appealing character that has ever been. This arc has even made me seriously question my feelings about Connie, who, while never being my absolute favorite character, or anything, has always been pretty solid in my book. Polly's just terrible and she brings out the worst in him. Not only aren't they at all funny, but they remind me directly of all the worst real-life couples I have ever known. If this was the intended impression, I know that Onstad would work it wonderfully. But I get the idea that we may actually be supposed to like this character and that just gives me a cold shiver.

OK. I just had to get that out. I didn't think it would come to that, but when I found myself physically unable to rate this any higher than a 2, I knew it was time to face up to it. I mean, I don't think I've gone below a 3 since, like, the guest strips, or something. It's been a long-ass time is the point.

Just to clarify, I'm not worried about the general state of the comic. The unrelated strips have been as good as ever. Nor do I care that the strips are so few and far between, these days. I know he's got a lot on his plate and that's a good thing. But this is the worst arc ever and that's that.

Whew. I feel better already.
theguitarhero +0 -0
dIsSaGrEeMeNt BoX

The three arcs prior the Wedding were EASILY the worst, in descending order, starting with the awesomeness of the Kazenkxzis Card Company arc, then to the general meh-ness of the Shrovis arc, to the bland stupidity of the Nice Pete-Ray biography thing.

This has had it's moments. I agree that Polly isn't exactly appealing, but I like how each of the female characters bring out different feelings in their counterparts (when you think about it, every male non-robot character excluding Lyle and Todd have had prominent female counterparts that have played a role in some way.
daidai +0 -0
Woah woah woah.

you did not like something with Nice Pete in it.
theguitarhero +0 -1
Yeah sorry guy that has Nice Pete avatar, it's not the character itself it was just that that "Arc" (it hardly felt like one since it was only three strips long or something) was so weak. The whole idea of Nice Pete looking up to Ray had been done already so it was basically a rehash and it almost felt like an excuse for Onstad to type a lot of words in and get us to say HAHA LOOK @ NICE PETE HE SHUR HAZ A FUNNEH WAI OF SAYIN THINGZ.
theguitarhero +0 -0
HE IZ A SILLEH GUI WHO DOEZNT UNNERSTAN TEH WURLD.
daidai +1 -0
sje46 +0 -0
I'm scared.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
i gave you my blank nice pete chubby.

the end.
theguitarhero +0 -1
Basically what I'm trying to say is that Onstad created the arc because he hadn't used Nice Pete in a while, and I feel like he should have waited and saved that for the Wedding arc OR done some interesting Pulp Fiction-style ending where all three arcs converged into one big clusterfuck to lead to the Wedding. Basically none of those arcs had real endings.

I am done saying arcs now.

Arcs.
theguitarhero +0 -0
THAT was my problem with it, not Nice Pete.
smilebuddha +2 -0
Arcs. Arcs, arcs, arcs...arcs!
[IMGS OFF]

Wait...No, I can get this...

[IMGS OFF]

Damn! Let me do some research, and I'll come back to it in a day or two.
rowboat +0 -0
Whoa! I was, like, fifty yards from that thing, like, twenty minutes ago!

Not the ark.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Rowboat is old as fuck.
theguitarhero +0 -0
(since he was around in Noah's time.)
zapatos +0 -0
Is that your silhouette?
smilebuddha +0 -0
Oh necessarily.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
rowboat vs the ark
rowboat +0 -0
I've pissed within a few yards of it more than once. I think that means I win. Maybe not.
rowboat +0 -1
Your sentence structure in the first paragraph is turning my mind to dust (you seem to indicate that the Kazenzakis Card Company arc was at the same time awesome and among the worst?), but I'm pretty sure that the only thing I agree with you about is that the Shrovis arc was indeed substandard. But not like this. That one was at least a little bizarre. This one is just.... bleh.
theguitarhero +0 -1
Yeah I screwed the pooch on that. I was trying to say that all in all those three pre-wedding arcs seemed like a burn off of decent ideas Onstad had that would have seemed too weird after the Wedding. The Card Company one was great up until the whole thing with the stewardess, then it got weird and never ended truly. The Shrovis one was merely ok with some good parts but also didn't really end and the whole Nice Pete And Ray Make An Autobiography was both lame AND played out.

These are words I should have said earlier.

And I agree somewhat that this arc has started kind of slow but there have been good times.
i_love_kate +0 -0
GOD YEAH SINCE WHEN DID ACHEWOOD START HAVING STORYLINES WITHOUT PROPER ENDINGS ONSTAND'S REALLY JUMPED THE SHARK THIS TIME

But seriously, I'm starting to think that you guys are reading Achewood for the wrong reasons. You seem to want surrealness in terms of subject matter and plot devices, but nothing more than conventionality in terms of structure and character development.
rowboat +0 -0
I do not like the character of Polly, therefore I want nothing more than conventionality in terms of structure and character development. A bit of a broad accusation, no?
biff +0 -0
What is it about Polly that you don't like? I am not trying to be a douche, I just am curious and would like to know.

I think she has been bringing out the worst in Cornelius, but I don't think that's her fault. I think it is Cornelius feeling frisky.
rowboat +0 -0
She just seems like a blank space. I think I'm likening her to some girls I've known who just do this chameleon thing with whatever man they're in a relationship with at that moment. That's what I seem to see here. I don't think it's just that Onstad has trouble writing women, which seems to be a popular observation. I never felt this way about Molly.

And yes, she's bringing out the worst in Connie, and I'm bitter about that, too.
rowboat +0 -0
And I know that Ray isn't exactly epitomizing class here or anything, but she's kind of being a bitch to him, I think. Makin' little remarks and all lookin' back at Connie for approval. Makes me sick.

Look what you did. You made me think way too hard about this and sound weird.
biff +0 -0
You will have to forgive me. It is my job to make people think about stuff. And often it makes them sound weird.

But you did put Polly in a perspective I hadn't thought about. One that seems, at first glance anyway, to have some merit.
belgand +0 -0
I think this is why I'm so ambivalent about her. I see nothing wrong with Cornelius or their mocking of Ray for his many crass habits. I would probably join them.
rowboat +0 -0
I know you would, Belgand. I know you would.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I think everyone places too much importance in the legacy of arcs. Sure there's been important stories like The Party, Phillipe/Transfer Station, Phillipe Kidnapped, GOF of course, the wedding, I suppose, but that's a late-comer, Road Trip, etc. Some were funny, some established characters, etc., but it seems like we're all expecting another GOF, and that's ridiculous. I'd love something on that level (but a sequel would make me cry), but we should be able to deal with arcs day to day and not shit ourselves just because the alt text isn't a punctuation mark or because Phillipe isn't wearing a bee suit (seriously my favorite arc).
theguitarhero +0 -0
OMG WTF THE ALT TEXT NEEDS TO BE !

What do I know, seriously though? My favorite arc is Cartilage Head.
rowboat +0 -0
Hey, I can definitely get behind some Cartilage Head. It was weird and it was short. Those are good things. This lacks both of those qualities.
nice-on-water +1 -0
I too appreciated it and you're about the weirdness, that's what I've been touting for weeks now. We need the Mexican Magical Realism and Cartilage Head surreality back. Or at least I do.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think this arc has only felt long because of the time in between strips. I'm of course starting it at the strip where Ray and Beef talk about the dinner party, but still.
achilleselbow +0 -0
The short arcs are definitely the way to go. My all-time favorite arc was Beef Gets a Makeover, as I must have fived nearly all the strips there.
theguitarhero +0 -0
The guy from Weezer having a baby with a Mac (I think that's the line) is the top of my "Achewood references I wish I could make in real life someday" list.
rowboat +0 -0
There's no beating the 2,000 Flushes Party in my book. That was the best week of the best year for Achewood.
nice-on-water +0 -0
2005 was indeed an awesome year. The whole part where Ray and T are driving and find Molly and Beef make me shit myself laughing. It's actually a big problem.
rowboat +0 -0
Nonsense!
nice-on-water +0 -0
>: {
theguitarhero +0 -0
If you have to go to the bathroom just say it!
i_love_kate +0 -0
How are Ray and Teodor both driving? Americans!
nice-on-water +0 -0
They were in the act of sitting in a car as one drove it, so the car was being driven and by extension they were being driven with it. Maybe riding would have worked better but it wouldn't have implied one of them was driving so I took a chance with suggesting both were driving it. I stand by my phrasing. Fuck your British speakingness.
tekende +1 -0
OH NO BEAR AND CAT ARE BOTH DRIVING! HOW CAN THIS BE?
nice-on-water +0 -0
The innernette makes me know that reference without actually having seen it.
belgand +0 -0
They have one of those driver's education cars with two sets of controls. It is a tandem vehicle.
nice-on-water +0 -0
High five.
belgand +0 -0
On the flip side!
nice-on-water +0 -0
Ha-CHA! Crosstown!
zapatos +0 -0
oh, too slow.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Slap me high, slap me low, slap me space, IN YOUR FACE!
nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh hee man the way he does that, the alt all just ! and ?
theguitarhero +0 -0
That's the most perfect punctuation to use, EVER!
nice-on-water +0 -0
?
rowboat +0 -0
Hey, I'm just playin' with the hand he deals me, nice. If it were up to me, arcs would be relatively rare. Maybe, like, two or three short ones per year. Without exception, all of my favorite strips are one-offs. I was never even super-jazzed about the GOF.
theguitarhero +0 -0
yeah GOF is awesome on its own, as a standalone arc (as evidenced by the book, I'd guess) but when compared to the proceeding Mexican Magical Realism arc (that was before it, right?) and the receding Bad Ass Games, it falls flat.
stereo +0 -0
The crazy-ass wiki for the GOF really makes it for me. I don't know who made it but it is quality material.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Agreed, but that really goes more towards it being an excellent stand alone story as opposed to a cohesive part of the Achewood lore.
rowboat +0 -0
Yeah. I used to dismiss it as being constructed by someone with way too much time on their hands, but it was obviously a labor of love. It's pretty impressive.
rowboat +0 -0
The crazy-ass wiki, I mean.
mattylite +0 -0
The crazy Ass-Wiki?
sje46 +0 -0
XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT XKCD REFERENCE ALERT
rowboat +0 -0
Where?
stereo +0 -0
https://xkcd.com/37/
That one.
mattylite +1 -0
It was an accident! Nooooooooooooooooooo! Now I feel dirty. Let's see, how can I like wash my mouth out with soap.

You mean and xkcd reference that I ... boned?
I hell of made such as a xkcd reference on accident.
It muft have just been in the air, because I never read it.
Philippe is 5.

Ah, that's better.
hellofditties +0 -0
Good save.
sje46 +0 -0
I like xkcd though, so I think the reference was awesome!
rowboat +0 -0
That was close, man.
mattylite +0 -0
Wasn't it there the day the strip that shows it came out? Which is to say Onstad made it? Then the url went under, but some fan saved it? That is my understanding.
hamscout +0 -0
In Onstad's google interview, he claims it was a fan, through no work of his own. He agrees that is all non-cannon, but still very funny.
stereo +0 -0
Well, the names of the winners are displayed on Beef's tape collection (If I remember right) so at least the more recent parts could be considered accurate in name.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I love it because I have to, but stand alone's make the Highest Rateds and personal favorites (bubble gum with Phillipe and Teodor, Lie Bot's Skeleton, Recipe of the Month Club etc). But we need a fair dosage of Phillipe Kidnappeds, Cartilage Heads, Mexican Magical Realisms, and Trouble Man and No-Nos (Beef in Heaven 3? 2?)
theguitarhero +0 -0
Stand-alones get the highest rating because you do not need to have read any of the other strips to really get it.
nice-on-water +0 -0
True, but all the strips in the Volvo of Despair are a solid 4.2 or higher, if I remember correctly. That's a pretty good arc too.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think that's because, again, it's an arc that doesn't involve reading any of the other arcs to understand, it presents everything you need in one neat package.

Over the course of it we learn that Ray is rich and a carefree guy, Roast Beef is a depressed cat and Mr. Bear is old and British.
rowboat +0 -0
Except that Connie ain't British. But that's neither here nor there, really. Just bein' a dick about facts.
theguitarhero +0 -0
UGH WHATEVER HE IS OF BRITISH DESCENT.

Seriously normally I would not get pissed about that but you were really being a dick unnecessarily.
rowboat +0 -0
I told you I was bein' a dick! What'd you expect?

It's just that this point has been settled so many times in so many threads. Get with program, bra!
theguitarhero +0 -0
I understand that but for the sake of my comment I was stating that you could read that arc WITHOUT reading the supplemental stuff. Without the blogs everyone would be calling Connie a British bear.

Sorry, I'm just being a dick about you learning to read my comment before being a dick.
rowboat +0 -0
Being a dick is complicated shit.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I really don't understand how. I fairly clearly stated that the Volvo arc was popular probably because it requires the least amount of knowledge about the main characters private lives and yet you came at me with a heavily documented statement which is the very definition of KNOWING A MAIN CHARACTER'S PRIVATE LIFE. I was not saying what I said was canon, I was saying it from an outsider perspective.

Basically what I am saying is prepare to live in a world where the primary activity is tasting my hog.
lechatbotte +0 -0
It has been a mixed bag, tending on the tedious. I only sincerely hope that whatever happens next paysoff this long, slow build up in a way that leaves us relieved and laughing our asses off! May you eat your words vide with greater satisfaction than Ray's muffler cooked sous vide!
rowboat +0 -0
I would love to eat my words on this. I would love to be wrong. I sincerely hope that I'm just being a pansy about it.

We wait.
belgand +0 -0
Hmm... I do not share your rating system. I give the vast majority a 3. Far fewer ever see the 4. Almost none are lucky enough to anointed with a 5 which is reserved for the very best.

I grade on a bell curve and I do so with respect to the other strips in the comic. This arc, though not great, has generally been 3 for me, much like most strips.
theguitarhero +0 -0
The thing about opinions is, they are like assholes.

Frat boys want to fuck them.
stereo +0 -0
Most of them are not sanitary
belgand +1 -0
With relaxation and time they can be expanded.
i_love_kate +0 -0
They seem inoffensive at first, but if you think about it all kinds of bad shit comes out of them in the end.
belgand +0 -0
Are you saying that most frat boys are gay for, well, if we're saying assholes then probably just other frat boys? I thought this was largely an established fact with rigorous scientific research in the main peer-reviewed journals* confirming it.

Or are you saying that a solid bit of buggery is not a great time for all? Are you anti-buggery?!? Are you saying that only a frat boy would desire to engage in fulfilling anal stimulation? If so I shall say good day to you sir!

*Letters of the Society for the Unspeakable Vice of the Greek System
theguitarhero +0 -0
I was meaning more that most of the frat-type guys I know are obsessed with fucking chicks in the ass.
belgand +0 -0
Maybe they know something that you do not. Or they're just dicks and idiots.

As far as things to be obsessed with it's a lot better than model trains. As long as you're not a dick about it. It is implicit in being obsessed with model trains that you are a dick about it. That is basically all it is about. Tiny people, tiny villages, massive pricks.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I've actually done anal on a girl before, and it wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be, although she enjoyed it.
belgand +0 -0
The important part is that she enjoyed it. You are ahead of the game there.

There's a lot of possibility of getting overhyped about it though and not having anything able to live up to expectations.

Still, it is a good thing to have entered the sous vide. It is not for everyone. Now you know where you stand.
theguitarhero +0 -0
The only reason I have not added it to our regular stable of go-tos during the act is that we have to change condoms if we stop doing the anal. This ruins the mood.
belgand +0 -0
Now you're just mocking me.

Also, condoms?!? Get yourselves checked out and start using a more sensible birth control method for people who are having regular sex.
smilebuddha +1 -0
Taking the brown paper bag off of her head? That might bring things to a stop, period, when dealing with a colon.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh dude that was hell of unnecessary!
smilebuddha +0 -0
Have fun with tortured syntax, the smilebuddha way.
achilleselbow +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
sje46 +0 -0
I am going to lame this comment.
sje46 +0 -0
Done.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Well done. Put 'er there.
redphillip +0 -0
You must mean the Proceedings of the National Academy of Pederasty Studies. The Letters is notorious for approving any old anecdote as long as its author has the right frat affiliation.
belgand +1 -0
Proceedings has more rigor, it is true, but I find their insistence on sticking solely to pederasty to be pedantic and not entirely germane to the discussion here. I am concerned only with Greek greek (not necessarily by Greeks, however).

The frat affiliation aspect I think only lends a meta-research quality to the entire affair.
pogo +0 -0
Quote:
I found myself physically unable to rate this any higher than a 2

Without hesitation, I gave it a 1. I'm tired of Polly, Corny, and don't get Ray's food jokes. I want a good fight!
i_love_kate +0 -0
Okay, now you're definitely reading Achewood for the wrong reasons. Honestly, I never saw why the GOF was put on such a high pedestal. The dialogue was satisfactory and the presentation of the Ray-Beef relationship was excellent, but I didn't see it as being at all better than, say, Philippe at the transfer station. Was its true source of attraction because so many Achewood readers are apparently action starved?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Because it was RAW, man! RAAAAAW! ! And rude as HELL!
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Only thing I got from it was that neighborhood tomcats, the older they get, they're all eyepatch, missing ear, face fur torn off, wooden legs shit, still all badass. They mix it up with other toms, dogs, cars kids with pellet guns. They fight and fuck and stay out all night long.
So it was like Onstad took that and ran with it. I dunno.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Astute observation. I never considered the real world inspirations, other than it would have been some nice character development, which it was.

I personally just love the whole legacy and mystique of the fight and the history Chris made up. I understand when he does things like that, like the whole Underground system and the map of Achewood, police blotters, etc. It adds some realism and expands the universe of your characters and stories.

I always add seemingly unnecessary little tidbits to my writing or drawings to make it more real, make it seem like there's more going on than what's apparent. Attention to detail is the hallmark of good writers: it's why James Joyce took 30 pages to write a story he could've written in 7 (specifically I'm talking about "The Dead" because I like it and I'm writing a paper on it right now). The reader should be able to appreciate that the details are for their benefit and enjoyment if they pick up on it.
i_love_kate +0 -0
That's an awful lot of words considering that your main point is that you dislike Polly and you didn't really give any reason for that at all. I'm ambivalent towards her at the moment, because I don't feel like her character's been explored in any depth beyond being a board which Cornelius can bounce his long-winded musings off of. This doesn't mean she's a shallow character, it just means that she hasn't yet had the chance to be given any depth.

I really don't get the impression that Onstad's trying to sell Cornelius and Polly as likeable in this situation, though. Like you said, their interactions have been an excellent reflection of the darker side of overtly intellectual and clandestinely judgmental couples. Honestly, with this, and with the earlier example of the Shrovis-Bishopthorpe arc, I think Onstad's been trying to create an element of weakness in a character that before now has seemed all too infallible.
rumblefish +0 -0
Is it normal for everyone involved in a dinner party to assume that the invited guest is going to be having sex in the guest room after the meal? Is this why our hosts always look vaguely insulted when my wife and I just say goodbye and drive home?
theguitarhero +0 -0
I was about to tell a personal story about me and my girlfriends habit of fucking in the bathroom when her roommate is there (not in the bathroom) but I'd rather not.
rowboat +0 -0
Sje will appreciate your restraint.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I know!
belgand +0 -0
You should do it in the garage or, if you have access to an appropriate one, basement. SJE needs to know that the juices have a place to sluice away to, i.e. a room with a drain in the floor.
theguitarhero +0 -0
The only garage is the parking garage, which we have talked about doing it in but have decided against thanks to the presence of security guards and the smallness of my Elantra's backseat.

There are no basements in South Florida, especially not in Tampa. You dig a certain depth into ground, you hit limestone, you flood your basement.
belgand +0 -0
My father used to live in Miami for a good number of years. I totally know what the deal is with basements there.

I too live about a mile from the ocean. Most of the city is built on sand or at least not bedrock. Basements are totally not go here either.

Our garage is shared with our neighbors in the house. It has the laundry there and would thus seem like an ideal place for the making of whoopee (to get all Newlywed about it), but recently our neighbor's car has been there and it would be rude to do that on someone else's car. Also, that would so not happen. Not with my girlfriend.

On this topic let me suggest that this is a main problem of starting to date when you are still rather young and in high school. You are likely at a stage when relationships still move a bit more slowly and sex is not really happening so quickly. This means that by the time you get to the phase where it would be happening more quickly you've been together long enough that a lot of the early-relationship fuckfest nature is gone. It also depends on the person you are dating. Choose wisely here young Assetbarbarians.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I'm totally ok with my sex life. When we are together we fuck frequently enough where it is not to the point where it is an absolute necessity for me to do so. There have been times, yes, where we have gone a week or so without because of scheduling conflicts or T.O.Ms but generally when that is resolved it either equates to a fest of sorts or to us running into the bathroom if her roommate is there. But sex is not something that I feel is necessary in our relationship. I am with her because I care about her, she cares about me, we share most of the same interests and for other reasons i will not mention because there is a limit for me.

Our awesome sexings are only a plus.

and I'm in college.
belgand +0 -2
College is probably fine, but if you start earlier than that you run into the problem of still having to get to that stage of your life and such and by the time it actually starts up with the sex you're close to running out of the early stages of a relationship and moving much closer to the scary recesses of stereotype where sex is the dim memory of an unreliable drunk. Maybe once a week if you are lucky. All having to always initiate it yourself with someone who does not consider it to be one of her interests and who could probably just go celibate without too much of a problem.

The worst was a drought of about two months or so once, maybe a bit longer. Christmas and being home got in the way and then being home it became a Thing and trying to break the tension surrounding it was too much to be handled so I was out of luck for a long time.

Never neglect the very important need to have a similar degree of need and desire. If that's out of whack it will just lead to all sorts of problems. A twice-a-day Savage Love fan who is up on all of the perversions of the Internet is not really the best type for someone for whom it is once a fortnight and missionary is a bit kinky.
achilleselbow +3 -0
I didn't think it was possible for conversations about sex to be boring, but the last few days have proven me Wrong.
belgand +0 -0
Great, now even the Internet finds my sex boring. Way to give me hella Issues man.
wozzeck +0 -1
We've gathered that your girlfriend is a horrible person and you should just shoot the bitch and write a book about it. Have you ?
belgand +0 -0
God, you're right. I am totally just the whiniest bitch ever. I wish I could just delete a number of these now.
wozzeck +0 -0
Dating a miserable, emasculating shrew will do that to you.
belgand +0 -0
Nah, that's not her.

Emasculation isn't really a concern of mine. I'm not concerned with being masculine and I don't derive any sexual pleasure (or non-sexual pleasure) from being emasculated.
wozzeck +1 -0
Liebot, what is the saddest post?
autrepoupee +0 -0
so ridiculously true. What is the deal with this group? I, along with the rest of the internet, don't care about the amount or quality of sex you are having. Write a column in your local alternative newspaper or something.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
autrepoupee: She speaks for the Rest of the Internet.

and for me.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Seriously. Even *I* am getting bored of their sex lives, and I'm the one who's been poking holes in their condoms
theguitarhero +1 -0
HEY GUYS WANT TO HERE MORE ABOUT ME HAVING SEX?
tekende +0 -0
I haven't had sex in more than five months.
theguitarhero +0 -0
:( I'm sorry tekende.
tekende +0 -0
Meh, it's okay.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Fine. As soon as the roads thaw I'll drop by.

Jeez, do you even think of my schedule before you complain about this publicly?
tekende +0 -0
hedonismbot, I would gladly go without for another five months, or even five years, in order to not have sex with you.

Nothing personal.
hedonismbot +0 -0
How do you know scoring with a robot is bad?
theguitarhero +0 -0
WHY FIND OUT?
belgand +0 -0
You need to come to the proposed meet. All should come. Fun times will be had.
sje46 +0 -0
NO
nice-on-water +0 -0
The Village Voice is looking for someone to describe with gusto their awkward whispered apologies and fumbling for shoes thrice a week.
belgand +0 -0
It disturbs me greatly that they are the head of a massive media empire now that owns corporate Alt. Weeklies around the country. When I moved to SF I found that one of the two main weeklies had the exact same design as the one in Kansas City because it was owned by the same fucking conglomerate.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Alt is the new mainstream. The irony levels are off the charts.
zapatos +0 -0
So I picked this bitch up from the bar, we were singing karaoke and I was pretending to like Evenescence. We get back to her place and I bend push her onto her couch, she falls back and her knees are above the couch arm.
I grabbed her belt and pulled those pants right off!
So I'm down on her, doing my thing, getting some screams...

And I notice her two year old son standing at the foot of the stairs, on my immediate right. Woh.
octafish +0 -0
Say that again, I dare you...
autrepoupee +8 -0
SO I'm boinging this chick, right? She was all like, "Hey, what's up. I'm some skeez with a moderately attractive body. How about we go to the veranda?"

So I'm all like, alright, fine, I'm about to cause some ejaculations--whatever! All in a days work, right?

wrong ! This """"woman""""" was like some sort of ziplock baggie comically filled with undercooked meat, she was all glorpin' and gligglin', so finally I'm like, "Baby, what is the deal with all this noise that isn't that orgasm noise so popularized by Donna Summer in the 1970s?"

She tells me, get this guys, she tells me she had a kid! So I'm like, pah, no sale, sister!

I high-tail it outta there before she gets to tellin' me about her name, and the friction caused by my prompt entry and subsequent exit of her vagina caused me to emit some sexual discharge on the way home, because I am a slow and gentle lover.
theguitarhero +0 -0
:O
rowboat +0 -0
My feelings on an asset have never been more pro.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
How.....how does she write dudes so well? It's....like she's inside our heads!
nice-on-water +0 -0
Jus' causin' some ejaculations-- WHATEVER!

At first I thought this post was making fun of all men, but then I saw it was making fun of just zapatos, and now I see why it is so necessary.
belgand +0 -0
I have to say I'm a bit upset about calling her a "bitch". I mean, not cool.

Also, pretending to like Evanescence is not acceptable in any way. Far worse than boinking in front of child (he will have to learn some day and will likely never remember this).

Worst part? She is leaving child at home to go out and pick up man-sluts? Who is watching child? Terrible mother!
zapatos +0 -1
So I picked this bitch up from the bar, we were singing karaoke and I was pretending to like Evenescence. We get back to her place and I bend push her onto her couch, she falls back and her knees are above the couch arm.
I grabbed her belt and pulled those pants right off!
So I'm down on her, doing my thing, getting some screams...

And I notice her two year old son standing at the foot of the stairs, on my immediate right. Woh.
octafish +0 -0
...bastard called my bluff.
zapatos +0 -0
son of a bitch, it happened to me.

i always though, i could smoke without getting cancer. i was wrong... I am wrong.
tekende +0 -0
What the fuck is all this
rowboat +1 -0
Zappy got some play but also ruined a kid's life.
i_love_kate +0 -0
You know that if there isn't a kid there watching in silent terror, nothing happens.
stereo +0 -0
zapatos is responsible for more superheroes than Chernobyl.
rowboat +0 -0
If Zapatos fucks your mother, but no one is around to see it, does it make a sound?
achilleselbow +0 -0
*PLORP*

*GLIGGLE*
rowboat +0 -0
What is the sound of one Zapatos fucking?
tekende +1 -0
*FAP FAP FAP*
zapatos +0 -0
There isn't a sound, because it never happens.

I always have a buddy.
sje46 +0 -0
LIKE ONG WHERE DO THEY GO?!?!?
sje46 +0 -0
I am getting a little annoyed.
rowboat +0 -0
Um....do you care to add anything to this conversation, Prius Chaser? Or do you just wanna be all Charles Whitman chillin' up in your clock tower? All just pop....pop....pop....pop.

I'm fine with it either way. Just curious what your take on this might be.
theguitarhero +0 -0
What?
rowboat +0 -0
.....wait for it..... wait for it.....
rowboat +0 -0
...wait....for.....it......?
stereo +0 -0
Wait!
rowboat +0 -0
OK. I guess she doesn't wanna use her words tonight.

Anyway, GH, I was likening Prius Chaser's lame-slinging style to that of a famous 20th century assassin. Whenever someone goes down the line laming comments without adding anything I always think of it in terms of a sniper just kind of out in the trees somewhere (or in a clock tower in Austin) takin' potshots. It's sad.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I generally don't pay that much attention to the lames unless that lame is on something that is...not lame. And I've said some stinkers lately.
belgand +0 -0
Does Whitman really qualify as an assassin? I thought that implied a specific target. I'd say he was more of a spree killer. Unless I'm technically wrong and that requires more of a prolonged spree in the manner of Starkweather.
octafish +0 -0
Whitman (Charles, not Walt) was an Eagle Scout, that is how I think of him. Also there was a rumour he had a tumour, nestled in the base of his brain...
belgand +1 -0
Charles Whitman was a much better person than Walt Whitman. Blades of Grass my ass!
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Really, who ever heard of killing 30 people with blades of grass? Kwai Chang Caine?
belgand +0 -0
"Blades of Grass my ass!" was, of course, a Simpsons reference. I try to keep them down as I am enough of a raging superfan that I could likely converse in little more than Simpsons references (and perhaps Futurama references, but those have integrated more heavily into my normal speech).

Honestly I just dislike Walt Whitman and the other transcendentalists. Not my scene man. I'm an urbanist.
scorpio_nadir +0 -2
Not surprised, and I'll take your word. It rings retarded enough.
In the future, you might put a little *S* tag on them for those of us so unfortunate as to not have sampled the transcendental toothache that is the Simpsons.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Fuck you, Scorpio. Simpsons quotes should have free rein here and in every other forum of enlightened discussion.

Scorpio! He'll sting you with his dreams of Simpsons quote censorship!
scorpio_nadir +0 -1
Feel free to communicate totally in Simpsons quotes, kate. They will only enhance your discussions as the epitome of American enlightenment....as if that's necessary. Even though you're a Brit, so you can't ever really get American hum ou r. Ever. No matter what.

Dear Diary- This I_Love_Kate- I think his avitard must be from the Simpsons...?
i_love_kate +0 -0
Why did you italicise the "ou" in humour? Humor would be the American spelling, surely.
biff +0 -0
He is an OU fan, and he supports them in their quest for the National Championship in NCAA football.
hedonismbot +0 -0
WOOOOOO!! WWOOOOOO!!!!!MUTHERFUCKER!!!!!! HEISMANBABY!!!WOOO!!!!!shityeah!!!!MEEETTTHHHHH!!!
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Harharhar.

I_Love_Kate must now search for OU references in all his The Simpsons episodes.
belgand +0 -0
Futurama actually. Like the Simpsons but with a different age group, in the future, and with a lot more jokes about math. It probably has/had the largest number of writers to hold graduate degrees of any comedy show.
stereo +0 -0
Unlike The Office which has the most number of characters with graduate degrees whilst having nobody on the entire staff who has that qualification .
sje46 +0 -0
The girl who plays Kelly is one of the writers. As is Toby and Ryan.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Soon-
Blades of Grass as interpreted by Charles Whitman- a critical analysis by Peter Cropes, Esq.
theguitarhero +0 -0
William S. Prescott, Esq.?
belgand +0 -0
No. That was not a good reference. Get back on the Fail train and ride it until you come up with something better.

LOSE TWO TURNS ON THE FAIL TRAIN
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I'm just surprised to hear that prius_chaser is still around. Isn't she one of those people who posted a good deal back in the very first few months of assetbar?
rowboat +0 -0
If you wanna classify what she's doing on this thread as being "around," then I guess she is.
hedonismbot +1 -0
Because you don't want to hear it, I will give my opinion on Mr. Bear's dickishness. First off, Ray is being a monstrous tool. This isn't new to Mr. Bear, I don't think that's the real heart of it. I think he is behaving like this because it is how he's always likely been. We've never seen much inner dialogue from him when he's irritated (happens a lot). Notice how he's been very gentlemanly to Ray this whole time? He hasn't really spoken up against the man in his own house yet. Polly is acting as an excuse to show what he's thinking, and of course he's annoyed (and a bit dickish).

The difference between a gentleman and an asshole isn't that the gentleman never thinks ill of people, it's that he never acts on it. Mr. Bear is just talking privately about his annoyance with his arm candy, but he's still acting the part of a gentleman.
rowboat +0 -0
Yeah, I know Connie's keeping it above the table. I know he has reasons to be irritated with Ray and I think he's handling it pretty well. I guess it's more Polly that pisses me off. I mean, she just met the man and she's all smug as the dickens over there.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Yeah. I tend to defend Achewood pretty heavily, but I just can't get into Polly. She's a cliched concept to begin with, then she acts as a much more boring Mr. Bear, then she basically serves as a sounding board (one that makes my favorite character show is inner douche). Not a good character to be.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I think that's where Onstad wants us to be with her. Since she hasn't done anything yet but run off with Connie, he can make her go anywhere outrageous at this point....even off with Ray.
theguitarhero +0 -0
She could go with Tacodor.
zapatos +0 -0
Really why couldn't we just have seen her titties and left the club?
belgand +1 -0
I think I'm the only person who likes (or at least, doesn't dislike since I'm kind of indifferent to her) Polly and doesn't have anything against Cornelius in this arc. He is acting, to me, like he always does and I still love him because he is entirely correct.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Me too belgand.
biff +0 -0
Cornelius is kind of being a dick, but he is getting some seriously hot action for the first time in years (decades?) so his perspective is skewed.

We don't know why Polly became a stripper. We do know she is not the normal meth-head or crack-whore or heroin-whatever that ends up stripping until her body breaks down. She has some measure of class and style. So I am not about to judge her without more back story.

Ray is the only one I am disliking during this arc. Not that his reactions are out of character or anything. He just can't help being a dick when he sees a stripper away from her pole.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Quote:
He just can't help being a dick when he sees a stripper away from her pole


It's a matter of faith. This is because Ray is a firm believer in Ecclesiastes,v.3:31; King Ray 2nd ed.

"For every pole, there is a stripper.
For every skank-bar, a few skanks.
For every pool table, some noisy drunks....
Yea, and ye shall be dissolute wankers unto the ends of your days.

selah-
chuvak +1 -0
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

[IMGS OFF]
mattylite +3 -0
[IMGS OFF]
mattylite +0 -0
DAMNIT should've made an animated gif when I had the layers separate. Oh well, just make your browser window really narrow and scroll back and forth.
jonmw +0 -0
I knew that someone had to have posted something like this among the responses, and so I went looking for it.

Now that I've found it, I'm not exactly sure why I bothered.
hellofditties +0 -0
I know, right? That potato is hardly glowing.
mattylite +0 -0
Well FINE then, that's the last time I take four minutes of MY time to make a crappy photoshop of an okapi humping a potato for YOU. Good DAY.
hellofditties +0 -0
It's not that we don't appreciate the effort. We've been spoilt into expecting the finest potato-humping okapi that the internet can provide.
belgand +0 -0
I don't see you with a competing potato-violation scene. If we want to get the best possible we need some competition going to drive us to produce it.
achilleselbow +1 -0
You libertarians always think that's the answer to everything. What we need is a centrally planned effort and government-subsidized research into the woefully underfunded field of animal-vegetable crossbreeding. I propose creating a new post for a Photoshop Czar and appointing a special oversight committee to ensure the funds are used properly.
belgand +0 -0
I want to append a rider to that calling for the creation of a super-committee to determine whether we want to have a Tsar or a Czar.

We'll also need a period of public review to gauge consumer attitudes towards the final image. This should require $6 million* and 12 years.

* Initial estimate only. The costs will eventually run to at least $37 million.
hellofditties +0 -0
Oh I've missed you, Assetbar...
belgand +1 -0
In all fairness I was a bit sidetracked towards the end by the project to repair the Bay Bridge. After the earthquake in '89 it was determined to be dangerously unable to withstand another one and we very much needed to seismically upgrade it. That was '89. It is almost twenty years later and we still haven't finished it. The construction has taken so long that the cost of steel has significantly risen.

In all fairness a lot of this is because of bureaucratic issues and needing to coordinate multiple counties and agencies to get it together and everyone has something going on with it.

Then again the program to introduce a smart card system for regional transit systems was originally started some time back in the 90s and was expected to be rolled out in '02 it currently is not accepted officially (although it works pretty much all the time, but you can't do things like load a monthly pass on it or use it on many systems) at the present, but another testing phase is going on. There was already a testing phase in '02. Again, this is due to bureaucratic in-fighting.

You'd think there would be technical proficiency here in what is the capitol of American computer technology. There is largely not. It is pretty amazing how much we can manage to not be with it at times. Transit is probably the biggest thing we totally and amazingly suck at though.
flazisismuss +0 -0
One could also say that the Bay Bridge project got sidetracked for the better part of a decade because Jerry Brown decided to make it a monument to his own ego. Also, because the state of California is totally broke.

BTW Jerry Brown, who I used to sort of work for, is much shorter than you think he is. So much so that it's disturbing.
belgand +0 -0
I don't think so. I'm pretty sure he's about as short as I think he is. I don't really care about that. I liked Kucinich (let us all agree, at least, that he had the most smoking-hot wife of any candidate and with a sexy acccent... dude was the fucking winner no matter what else happened right there) and never got why everyone just ragged on him because the due is a bit short.

Maybe it's just a thing of me because I'm 5'9" and my girlfriend is 5'10".

I think you can't ignore the problems brought about by Willie Brown either. The whole bullshit about wanting to develop a mall or such on Treasure Island and then bitching with the Corp. of Engineers about placing the struts was just the most actual form of dick-shittery.
achilleselbow +0 -0
The media decided to rag on him because he was too much of a "radical liberal" and wanted to do crazy unhinged things that no sane person would think of, like getting out of Iraq, providing universal healthcare, and following the Constitution.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It was the UFOs. If he had never ever said anything about UFOs he would probably be president.
theguitarhero +0 -0
He'd probably be goddamn KING.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I very much doubt that. He was considered a 'fringe candidate' in 2004 as well, before that was even a story.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I don't know then, maybe the dude's just got crazy eyes.
belgand +0 -0
We need to get people away from the rallies and speeches and personality. Read a chart of positions (backed up more by past actions and voting record than promises and policy statements) with the names removed. Pick the candidate that you like best.
belgand +0 -0
Don't forget that he said how same sex marriage is a simple matter of equality as opposed to trying to skirt the issue with some sort of "separate, but equal" bullshit.

It always interests me how so many American liberals can continue to support incredibly watered-down moderate candidates that, in this country, basically means they're not so much liberal as not hard right. Do they just not ever want to get anything they believe in?
flazisismuss +0 -0
Belgand: Jerry Brown is much shorter than you.

I worked for the Oakland City Attorney's office for a time when Jerry Brown was mayor. I was in law school at the time, but it was well before I became disillusioned and embittered, so I admired the guy, as well as thought it was so strange to be working for the guy who was governor when I was born. This was in his living-in-an-ashram and wearing wearing black nehru jackets phase.

Anyway, I got on an elevator, dropped something and forgot to push a button, and the elevator goes up to the mayor's floor. The mayor gets on and pushes the button for the ground floor. I took the opportunity to introduce myself, and he says "Law school? How's that working out for you?" I replied noncommittally, and he says as he's walking out of the elevator, "Best of luck, kid, but don't forget it ain't real."

For a midget, he really dominates an elevator.
zapatos +0 -0
We missed you too, candy heart that tastes like chalk.
belgand +0 -0
Tasting like sweet chalk is what makes them awesome. It's also the reason why I really like candy cigarettes.
hellofditties +0 -0
Surely there is no such thing as a candy cigarette.

Surely not.
expellens +0 -0
I remember my mom buying a pack of candy cigarettes for my brother and me during a trip to the opening of Disneyworld in 1972. They had a little red tip to simulate the burning ash. Even back then I knew they were the worst candy ever. Like chewing on a overly sweet stick of Rolaids - chalk flavor. I never knew the horror of valentines message candy until the following year in 1st grade. Somehow I came across a pack of candy cigs just this year and tried to offer them to my kids (for old time's sake). They were having none of it.

they do like the valentines candy tho. (shudder)
rowboat +0 -0
There was such a thing. You didn't miss it by a long as you may think. I remember smokin' on those chalky shits when I was young, and I'm only a little bit old.
belgand +0 -0
They still make them. The chocolate or gum ones seem more common now, but I bought them only a few years ago.

The chalky taste is what I want from them.
octafish +0 -0
In Australia the cigarette lollies were called "Fags" now they are called "Fads". We also had a cigar lolly called "Big Boss Cigars", now they are called "Big Boss Dynamite". I am against smoking, but surely putting a cigar in your mouth is a little safer than chewing down on a stick of high explosive?
hellofditties +0 -0
I remember Fads. I do not know why I never associated them with cigarettes. Maybe because I don't really remember them.
rowboat +0 -0
Dynamite's quicker.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Dynamite tastes better too.
hellofditties +0 -0
Theguitarhero, this is not the answer to your problem(s).
theguitarhero +0 -0
I have nothing left to live for!

:______(
hedonismbot +0 -0
Sometimes a Big Boss Dynamite is just a cigar
zapatos +0 -0
We apologize for attacking your frame of reality.

[IMGS OFF]
i_love_kate +0 -0
BUT POPEYE SMOKES A PIPE.

I mean, he's even doing so in the picture. Couldn't they have altered the image just a little?
stereo +0 -0
When your top 3 ingredients are sugar, sugar, and sugar, you don't need an accurate logo.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Assetbar has become a forum about free market capitalism in regards to hastily produced Photoshop Images.
belgand +0 -0
True, but it really is the only way. People post their solutions to the problem and we will judge them on their output. Right now we usually have a monopoly where once someone produces an image it's all we get. The animal/wizardry bit recently was rather nice though. Gave us a few options to choose from in picking the best. This is all I am saying.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Pretty soon we are going to be talking ONLY in Photos.
belgand +0 -0
That is used in.. hrrmm... Eon by Greg Bear. They communicate with projected images as well as with words and I think gestures as well.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I guess it wasn't really just with images but [/i]House of Leaves[/i] does the whole "presentation as a form of communication" thing well. I have never felt more claustrophobic reading about someone delving into the depths of an evil house just by looking at the words cramped together.
theguitarhero +0 -0
House of Leaves
rowboat +0 -0
[!]House of Leaves[/!]
mattylite +0 -0
House of mother fucking LEAVES, y'all!
zapatos +0 -0
then how are we going to talk about our sex lives?
theguitarhero +0 -0
What was that?
zapatos +0 -0
then how are we going to talk about our sex lives?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Belgand wants me to show you guys a video of me having sex with my girl...

If I ever do do that (videotape it) I will not post it here unless I am asked to, and even then it will be a link that goes to another link that goes to the video.
belgand +0 -0
I was, of course, kidding. But if there is a demand for it I say show the people how you get your bone on.
zapatos +0 -0
Yeah it was... son of a bitch.
octafish +0 -0
Hey do you guys hear an echo?
zapatos +0 -0
All I hear are my choked-back tears.
mattylite +0 -0
Did someone say...
Quote:
monopoly
?
theguitarhero +0 -0
gives a new meaning to photoshopped buggery!
puguglypress +0 -0
I'M OUT OF CHUBBIES

DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT

CAN I TAKE ONE BACK AND USE IT HERE PLEASE
coldfrog +0 -0
Those are sounds that no meat, even if it is pureéd, should make. They may be sounds more akin to the historical gelatin, or perhaps a loose flan, but not even in this modern technological era should the flesh of any beast cause such gooey emanations.
zeal +0 -0
After today Ray cannot even pretend he is the baddest man in town, GOF or not.

I am okay with this.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I would posit that, even with GOF, he could not pretend to be the baddest man in town. Almost everything he's achieved he's had help from his friends.
belgand +0 -0
And it does appear that he needs somebody to love.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Don't we all?

I think he is looking around him and seeing his two main dudes (Beef and Connie) finding women and he is feeling awfully lonely.

Onstad really needs to bring back Penny (or whatever her name was) for Teador because I feel especially bad for him.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, I presume that he would be sad because he's on his own. Some more development of Teador would be very nice.

Oh and one demerit for not acknowledging the reference string and responding in kind. Do I need to get SJE for this sort of thing?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Yeah, because I have no idea what you are talking about.
belgand +0 -0
You are going to be getting a Khrushchev in Culture if this keeps up.

"With a Little Help from My Friends". Track two of Sgt. Pepper.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think I've said this before. I do not like the Beatles.
sje46 +1 -0
Be quiet you. I am a man of few pleasures and restraining myself from beating you up is not one of them.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I did not say that the Beatles are a bad band, or that there aren't songs by the Beatles I do not enjoy, but as a whole I cannot get into them.
sje46 +0 -0
IS cool. Just don't ever spea of your condition around me.
octafish +0 -0
See, I thought you were referencing Solomon Burke.
joestork +0 -0
Ahh, he's trying too hard. Always trying too hard.
autrepoupee +0 -0
If anyone hasn't read the two blogs yet, Ray with the Italian Dude and Roast Beef's take on it, they are much funnier than the current strip. Maybe we'll be getting a few stand-alones coming up, because it seems like this particular arc has just written itself into a corner, you know? The comedy is definitely still there, just not within the confines of this plot/character.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Agreed. Differing views on the same scenario should be the new staple of Achewood humor.
fablesandblues +0 -0
Ah yes. The dude accent grading had me laughing pretty well.
puguglypress +0 -0
Thank you! I feel SO much better about the Future now.
echidnaboy +31 -0
Apparently I'm not alone in thinking that the dialogue seems a little forced lately. Panel 9 in particular is incredibly awkward. I know Connie is technically American, but it's still jarring when his register drifts from English toff to generic Brit . "Let's go shag in the loo" is nearly as out-of-character as "WHOO! I am DEFINITELY not afraid of the fucking POLICE right now!"

And Polly's line reads like a radio script. "Ford! You%u2019re turning into a penguin! Stop it!"

I think what I'm trying to say is:

[IMGS OFF]
fablesandblues +0 -0
Dude shot himself! OH SHIT.
hellofditties +1 -0
I like how I had to scroll to see that last panel. I like that a lot.
puguglypress +0 -0
Agreed. Too bad everyone's out of chubbies by now.
valrus +0 -0
Not me.

Been savin' 'em.

Eh heh heh heh heh heh.
zapatos +0 -0
I still have seven.

Mostly because I try to throw them on my own posts.
belgand +0 -0
How do you find out how many you have? Are you just counting or what?
echidnaboy +1 -0
Search the page for You gave this comment a chubby . You get ten per strip.

This comment brought to you by the Chubby Research Foundation (A Registered Charity)
rowboat +0 -0
Doesn't it vary? I know all too well that lames do.
echidnaboy +0 -0
I'm pretty sure it's 10 chubs, though it might be limited to 5 until the strip is a day old or something. I'm fairly stingy with mine until a day or two goes by, so I'm not sure. As for lames, I have no fuckin' clue.
octafish +0 -0
Me too, I think it is a residual Edwell thing, always saving a chubby for him and Doc Rostov.
stereo +0 -0
It was indicated that it is 5 until there are 200 comments, after which it rises to 10.
echidnaboy +0 -0
That is what I indicated; however, I no longer believe this to be the case. I've definitely given out 10 chubbies on some older pages with less than 200 comments. I think the Assetbar admins enjoy leaving us these little mysteries to unravel.
rowboat +0 -0
I have no idea why I remember this or why anyone would care, but Drskradley used to use a gif of that McCloud panel for his avatar.

This has been a boring observation. I hope you enjoyed the fuck out of it.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I enjoyed the fuck out of it.
rowboat +0 -0
I hoped you would.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Well you succeeded.
mattylite +0 -0
Great, now there's no fuck left in it for me to enjoy.
rowboat +0 -0
*fucks mattylite*
theguitarhero +0 -0
HEY YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT SEX SJE WILL GET ANGRY IF YOU DO THAT.
rowboat +0 -0
*fucks theguitarhero*
theguitarhero +0 -0
Hey we aren't allowed to talk about our sex lives or anything relevant to our lives, remember? We have to be funny 24/7 or else other people will get mad!
autrepoupee +0 -1
AHHHHHHHHHHHH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST YES, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY ON HERE, ON THIS FORUM CREATED IN FOR THE DISCUSSION OF A COMEDY WEBCOMIC

Here, I am going to give you a Christmas gift.

Your very own place for talking about dumb shit .

Username is : atheguitarherob
password is : achewoodrulz4
theguitarhero +0 -0
There is a difference between BEING FUNNY ON HERE and ONLY BEING ABLE TO SPEAK IN HUMOROUS ANECDOTES.

Which is what I was talking about!
theguitarhero +0 -0
Also, yes DISCUSSION OF A COMEDY WEBCOMIC not A PLACE TO SOLELY SPEAKING IN HUMOR.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Fuck it I'm done I don't want to be a part of this thing anymore. Fuck all of you I don't like any of you anymore you are all assholes.
sje46 +0 -0
:(
Sorry if I was kinda a douche to you ever. :(
theguitarhero +0 -0
It wasn't you.

I don't care anymore, I only came here to discuss a webcomic and maybe meet some interesting people. I've done both but it seems I've done more damage to the community than anything, and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I recognize that often I delved too much into my personal life, but it's not like every other person here hadn't done the same thing.
sje46 +0 -0
I feel the same way myself, actually. :(
theguitarhero +0 -0
SJE you haven't actually done anything wrong. Do not let them take your spirit away from you!

I'm sorry for calling you a troll the first time you posted here, because I now know this is not the case .
belgand +0 -0
Meh, if you want to leave, do so. I do not wish you to leave, however.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I just feel like no one here wants me here anymore. I'm apparently so annoying that I need to be swore at constantly just for stating my opinion.

I don't want to deal with that. I get that enough in my personal life (no I won't talk about it) that I don't want that from my internet life either.
catgrl131 +2 -0
No! Stay!
I think we need to lay down the law, because we don't want anyone to pull a loneal again.
Okay, new rules of assetbar:
1) You can talk about whatever you like, and if you think a conversation is boring, skip the thread.
1 1/2) Maybe try to talk about achewood, but if not, that's okay too.
2)Don't be a dick unless someone deserves it, or for the lulz.
3)...
4)Profit!

Is that okay?
Hugs?
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's ok, but I still don't feel like I should stay. I've said some things that hurt people I think are Cool (heccibiggs if you are reading this, I'm sorry for making fun of you. You Are Rad!) and I feel like I should take a break from Assetbar like I planned to.

Like elbox said, I've got video games to play.
catgrl131 +0 -0
Well, there have been basically assloads of posts lately, and self-filtering is a good idea (I've got homework, people!) But I don't want you to leave for good. If you wanna know the truth mister, I think you're just swell! (Verbose, but swell!)
theguitarhero +0 -0
Thank you catgrl, but I'm at least leaving for a bit. I said I would earlier I would leave for winter break, and I would look like a fool if I didn't leave for a bit. Like elbox said, I'm going to spend this time playing videogames.
belgand +0 -0
I, personally, blame the great heaps of posts on the relative dearth of comics due to the book tour and holidays and such.
catgrl131 +0 -0
Hey, I didn't see that this conversation basically happened down the page, so if you could just go ahead and pretend this post never happened, there might be a little sumthin' in it for you. Waddaya say?
rowboat +0 -0
These are rules to live by.
rowboat +4 -0
*fucks theguitarhero again but much harder and using demeaning swear words*
belgand +0 -0
*high-fives RoBox as he starts going to work on the other end for the full spit-roast

Bro-slap!
sje46 +0 -0
This is a little insulting. The man knows you think he talks too much. You don't have to do this.

"Here, you're not wanted. Go sit there, at the kid's table."
echidnaboy +0 -0
Yeah, that Assetbar exchange was where I first saw it (odd, since I thought I'd seen everything superdickery.com had to offer). It's not by Scott McCloud, but it's the sort of thing he might use as an example of how not to do comics. There's a terrific panel in Understanding Comics of a superhero throwing a punch at a villain, missing, and hitting a brick wall, saying, Blast! I missed him, and struck this brick wall instead! The villain sneers, Hah! Dodged ya! Narration: The Captain's mighty blow misses its intended target! (This right here is a great example of telling when I should be showing, but I don't have a copy of the book. Sorry, Scott)
maximus +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
me too
falseprophet +0 -0
Show don't tell is an important principle of pretty much any form of storytelling, especially prose.
mattylite +0 -0
What about in braille?
hamscout +3 -0
Look who's being a
[IMGS OFF]
about terms!
mattylite +0 -0
Written language: it's like braille, but for people who aren't blind!
twohundredninety +1 -0
I think the recent strips have been okay. Achewood's had better periods, for sure, but remember that Onstad's been doing all these recent strips while coordinating a ten-city book tour, not to mention staying on top of the premium content, New York Times pieces, miscellaneous media appearences, and filling holiday orders. I'm amazed he's put anything up at all.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think this is the problem inherent with the Premium Content. Yes, it is understood that he has a family, but he's been doing this for what, 6, 7 years? He's had the kid for what, 3 or 4 years?

If the Premium Content wasn't presumably interfering with the regular content I would have no problem, but why should we have to suffer through Onstad's less-than-best just so he can show some images to people who pay 3.99 a month?
rowboat +0 -0
If you think that the premium site is what's taking up his time, you have the wrong idea about what goes on over there. Most updates are less than a paragraph. He could do them in his sleep.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm merely going off what 290 said, that it is affecting his output.
twohundredninety +0 -0
I'm not a subscriber (yet), so I don't know for sure. I definitely didn't mean to come off as critical of the premium features or anything; it just seems like Onstad has a lot of additional obligations at the moment -- I imagine the book tour has a lot more to do with it than the premium content, though.
rowboat +0 -0
But you forgot all the other things he mentioned. All of these things combined may, indeed, be the problem. But compared to the book tour, the time spent on the premium content is minimal, I'm sure.
maximus +0 -0
just don't mention the Ultra-Premiu...

Anyway, if you had limited time and had to produce either something that either

a) provides entertainment for a group of folks and allows you to provide for a wife and kid, or
b) provides entertainment and a certain je ne sais quoi of cultural hipness

Which would you choose?

Oh - you would? Well I guess you don't have kids, then.

autrepoupee +0 -0
The problem there though is that those people are only interested in paying for the Premium content because they liked the free stuff a lot.

If you start producing a lower quality free gag to concentrate your efforts on more exclusive content, you'll eventually just run dry on new subscribers to the exclusive--because anyone new seeing the free stuff now is going to think it isn't worth paying for. Meanwhile, people who are remembering 'the golden days' are willing to pay, because they're expecting that same level of quality. If they aren't getting it (which I have no idea if they are, or not) they'll eventually just stop subscribing.

Not that I think that is what is going on here, I think the premium content is just what it was advertised as: extra stuff that isn't necessarily higher or lower quality.
theguitarhero +0 -0
The premium content just does not look worth it though. I know there are people out there who genuinely care about the lives of fake cats but I have a very small expendable income and cannot afford to give up even 3.99 a month on something like that.

I just don't understand how NOW feeding is kid is a problem. I always figured he was making enough money on the books and other merchandise and I also figured his wife had a job too.

I don't think that the premium content is draining the supply of Onstad's genius though, I think that touring is. I know that it is often hard for musicians to tour for long periods of time and then write songs right after.
maximus +0 -0
Scrambling to print your own books and eating peanut butter sandwiches while you tell your wife that you're just about to turn a corner can drain your supply of genius as well.
bielebog +3 -1
Hi. I'm a lurker. I've been following Achewood for over a year, read very arc at least twice. I love reading your comments, but I refrain from joining the fun. This is my second post.

I just wanted to drop in my two cents about the whole `decline of Achewood' sentiment. I think we're all in agreement that recent strips are generally inferior to the old ones. There's a lot of debate on why this is, and frankly I'm surprised no-one's pointed out that Onstad has been pissing humour for years.

It may well be that Onstad feels constricted by these characters. They are by now well established, and deciding what to do with them next is tricky. He's hinted at such before, with the `achewood machine' arc.

For me, recent strips feel like experiments. Let's see if we can evolve characters in this direction...will it work? Will it be funny? Will a slight change in character cascade into something major?

It's possible that the well is dry. All good things have an end; and while I'm not outright saying that this is the end of Achewood, we might be watching it evolve into something else, as it has done repeatedly in the past-for example with the introduction of Ray, Roast Beef, and Pat.

I'm sure Onstad will appreciate constructive criticism, but I doubt it's going to do much at this stage; Onstad is already a master of his medium. I believe the root of the problem is that ideas are running out. That golden stream of humour is turning to a trickle.

If I'm right, then only change will allow Achewood to survive. It's only change that create new paths for the established characters. Will we like these changes? Perhaps that's irrelevant.

I believe we may be watching an evolution similar to Pat realising he's gay. At the end of the day, Pat remained pretty much exactly the same despite his new appearance, relationship, and sexual orientation.

We're just going to have to wait and see.
rowboat +0 -0
Yeah, I realize that everything must end and that we're damn lucky to have gotten as much as we have from it and all that. But I maintain that the one-off strips are just about as good as they ever have been. Whether or not this whole comic is winding down, I think he could salvage it or at least successfully prolong it with a little (or long) break from the arcs.

I'm sure it's not that simple, but that would at least make this one reader happy, and at the end of the day that's what I really care about. This one reader.
rowboat +1 -0
Oh, and if you should decide to stop lurking and start commenting more, we'll have to insist that you keep your thoughtful and articulate opinions to yourself. We pretty much only care about your sexual habits and the types of music that you hate.

Thank you.
theguitarhero +0 -0
AND pop culture quotes, don't forget those!
belgand +0 -0
desert_donkey +1 -1
i thot pat was funnier before (but he's done some funny things since). he was such a total dick. now he's a total gay-dick.

i never found Cornelius funny. a couple jokes at the expense of British when he got that computer.. aside from that, not much.

so i blame cornelius for this arc being pretty dismissable.
hedonismbot +0 -0
This is well-thought-out and I'm glad you posted it. I've been noticing that the Onstar has talked about a writing career more and more often in interviews. I think even he knows he's painted into a corner here, and would like to try something new. If he puts out a grown-up humor book, like David Sedaris or such, I would buy it. I would not read reviews, or even look at the price. I would by a humorous book by Chris Onstadt, just prose, no matter what.
rowboat +0 -0
There is every indication that a book of prose would be incredible. I would buy the hell out of it. But I'd still be a little sad.
gladi8orrex +0 -0
u sulda continu'd 2 lurk u r a pisstick
octafish +0 -0
U.S. ulda shard farming continues. A second look into Urban Renewal Agency pistols.
theguitarhero +0 -0
In this comment glad insults a first time commenter by calling them a stick of urine.
belgand +0 -0
He also states that they ought not to have spoken up.
xiaomimi +8 -0
Weekend Blogs

Ray: I hella like this basic Italian dude.
Roast Beef: New Italian Place that Ray made me go
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
one of (if not the ) most invaluable service here in the assetbarrio.

you rad, xiaomimi.
meddle +0 -0
Up yours, Mr. Bear.
belgand +0 -0
Polly has already seen to that need.
riazm +0 -0
My father had motor neurone disease. In all of my memories of him he is sitting powerlessly watching the world go by. He was pretty desperate for a cure, but he was sure he was going to beat it, utterly determined. He died when I was eight.
catgrl131 +0 -0
:(
gladi8orrex +0 -0
troublems come,
troublems go,
it may seme dum.
dis i no

i try not 2 think,
4 ma contents on deh brink.
yet it bothers m still
i wory an worry
until i falls very ill
"i hab a soltian" they say
dey jus wan me uss a pill
ur not dat desperate. today

i can hear dem sayin,
dese people i trusst,
da troublem u hav
"it shulda beenus"
dem short lil asins
"i'm surry u also hab a 5 inch penis"

dis is pome abot ma dicksize. it ease no acrate bcause i tink is lik 5.5 eenchs erecked is no say drast lol. amway jus wan say thx
cpnglxynchos +0 -2
troubles come,
troubles go,
it may seem dumb.
this i know

i try not to think
for my content's on the brink.
yet it bothers me still
i worry and worry
until i fall very ill
"i have a solution" they say
they just want me to use a pill
you're not that desperate today

i can hear them sayin'
these people i trust,
the proble you have
"it shoulda been us"
them short little asians
"i'm sorry you also have a 5 inch penis"

this poem is about my dick size. it is not accurate because i think is like 5.5 inches erect is not so (drast) lol. anyway just wanna say thanks
cpnglxynchos +0 -1
true to his word, glad lames those who attempt to translate.
theguitarhero +0 -0
This poem is about the size of Glad's dick.
stereo +0 -0
I think it's about Jimmy Carr's dick really.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Isn't everything?
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
my avicon: henry the eighth. yea or nay? discuss.
octafish +0 -0
I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

Second verse same as the first

p.s. that is a yea from me if you can find a tennis action picture. Henry was a hell of a tennis player.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
a test run:
[IMGS OFF]
scorpio_nadir +0 -2
That brings up a rough memory, octafish, although you couldn't have known.

This was my youngest sister's favorite song. She sang it until we were sick of it. And then some more.
She was roommates for a while with Maureen "Little Mo" Connolly, who was a former world champion tennis player.

My sister was Ms. Connolly's hero, so she said, because of her courage. They were both some of the world's first experimental chemotherapy patients at Baylor University's Wadley Clinic in Dallas. It was 1969.

My sister died of recurring aplastic anemia, a form of leukemia, aged 5, a month after I graduated high school. Death of a child is a hard thing.
Ms. Connelly died a few weeks later.

Sorry if that's O.T. and a bummer. You hit 2 aces blindfolded with your post.

I'm gonna have a shot of Jamesons now and appreciate the good times.
salud....to life.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
God, that looks maudlin. I wish there was a delete post feature.

[IMGS OFF]
rowboat +0 -0
Hear, hear, man.
sje46 +0 -0
Is that a Ramones reference I see there?
octafish +0 -0
Herman's Hermits I think, no wait, yeah the Ramones, that's much cooler, definitely the Ramones.
sje46 +0 -0
Oh, I thought you made that song up. Now I'm disappointed.

The Ramones had a lyric something to the effect of "Third verse, different from the first"
octafish +0 -0
All the kids wanna sniff some glue? No wait, Judy is a Punk? I think it was Judy, I really love the covers Tom waits does of The Return of Jackie and Judy and Danny Says on Orphans.
otter +1 -0
I thought Judy was a dick slap.
rowboat +0 -0
Quote:
I thought Judy was a dick slap.

Why, what's this that I see....the first Belle & Sebastian reference ever posted on Assetbar? Why, yes! I think it is!
i_love_kate +0 -0
Is it wicked that I don't care?
rowboat +0 -0
Boy, you done wrong again.
belgand +0 -0
"Sheena is a Punk Rocker"

One of my Rock Band characters is named Sheena as a result.
sje46 +0 -0
Jackie was a punk, Just was a runt.
sje46 +0 -0
Just. That, kids, is a double typo. Judy.


Fun fact: while writing this post I misspelled "typo" as "type"
belgand +0 -0
I suggest sticking with your current avatar. I dislike it when people change them. Perhaps you could go with a plate of nachos wearing a captain's hat, however? Maybe some sort of space motif?
achilleselbow +4 -0
Guys, we need to talk.

We've spent a lot of time here discussing the decline of Achewood, but no one has seen fit to mention that a similar phenomenon is taking place on Assetbar. This used to be a funny, nay, hilarious place. At its peak, there would be at least a couple of comments every strip that would make me laugh out loud and would, in turn, inspire me to make comments that others sometimes found amusing. Now, instead of hilarious nonsensical exchanges and displays of hastily photoshopped buggery, I am mostly treated to factual discussions of daily minutia. More and more, reading and posting feels like a chore that I just do out of habit.

I realize that I more guilty of this than most, particularly when it comes to philosophical or sociological debates. But surely there is some difference between discussing a matter of human significance and splitting hairs over some mundane details of daily life, or simply sharing aspects of your personal routine without making any larger point? At least so I tell myself.

I realize that no one has a duty to perform for my or anyone else's amusement, and for many of you, this is just a place to talk to and connect with real people rather than someone playing an Internet character role. That is fine - I feel the same way! But there is a happy medium to be found, and talking to real people is much more interesting when those real people are also being entertaining. I've noticed that as the mundane exchanges have increased, they seem to actually be driving away the star posters who brought us so much mirth, either because they don't want to scroll through a million comments, or because no one is giving them any good set-ups and they don't feel like joining the latest discussion of people's personal teeth-brushing methods. This is not a good thing.

It is inevitable that old posters will move on, new ones will appear, and the tone of Assetbar will change. I just think it would be good if we could all remember how funny it used to be, and make a conscious effort to increase the signal-to-noise ratio, perhaps by creating the slightest filter between your brain and your keyboard and stopping to think for a moment, "Is this funny or interesting to anyone? Is it worth the space that it will take up on the page?"

I will now proceed to follow my own advice and shut up for a bit.
theguitarhero +0 -0
WHITE PEOPLE BRUSH THEY TEETH LIKE THIS...

BLACK PEOPLE BRUSH THEY TEETH LIKE THIS ...
theguitarhero +0 -0
I agree, even though I am quite possibly the number one culprit.
autrepoupee +0 -0
I agree. The way I see it, feel free to post your daily routine and Your Opinion on Things if it is funny, or you can make it funny. Not just if it is the last mundane sex encounter you had, or if it is just "RAP SUX DONG NOT REAL MUSIC AT ALL", "NUH UH".

Not funny, not enriching, not good posts.
theguitarhero +0 -0
YOUR POST SUZ DONG NOT A REAL POST AT ALL.
theguitarhero +0 -0
What if it's a funny mundane sex encounter?
autrepoupee +1 -0
then you're really bad at sex

badabumchh

this court is adjourned!
theguitarhero +0 -0
Court... at NIGHT?!?!
kickstart +0 -0
I'm laughing already!
i_love_kate +0 -0
I'm laughing that TGH's response to Elbox's post about everyone posting too much was to reply to the first two comments that he saw twice.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Hypocrisy I know, but I feel the need to point out that I have no idea what I was doing with the construction "I'm laughing that..." Makes no sense, captain!
rowboat +0 -0
I'm crying that you would construct a sentence as such.
belgand +0 -0
Ow... both of those were clearly directed at me and I am stung by them.
achilleselbow +0 -0
You should know by now that you're probably one of my favorite people on here as far as "people who I think are cool in real life". But I'm just saying that in the context of this forum you and several other people who I personally think are okay or even rad as individuals unwittingly contribute to an overall situation that, when everything is combined, is maybe not the most desirable. Call it the tragedy of the commons, if you will.
belgand +0 -0
I saw the point that was being made and while I had criticisms I decided to keep them to myself, look things over a bit, do a bit of ruminating on how I feel with a slightly fresher perspective, and try to see how I could maybe find a solution that works for everyone.

Y'know, instead of bitching and whining about how everyone hates me and I'm gonna leave because you don't like me.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Ouch, thanks.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think the problem with (and also the best part of) Assetbar is that there is no real rules, like a traditional forum.

For the most part it is self-governed, complete with a system of Chubs and Lames. It's more a social experiment by Onstad than anything, which is probably why we get more "HAI GUYZ THIZ IZ MAH LYFE" posts recently instead of "OMG IN PANEL THREE THAT IS A THING I SAY ALL THE TIME WTFFF CHRIS!"
bixschmix +0 -0
How about we try not to get either of those types of posts? Because they're both stupid?
theguitarhero +0 -0
So you don't want anyone to post?

HEY GUYS, BIZSCHMIX WANTS YOU ALL TO GET THE FUCK OUT.
theguitarhero +0 -0
After reading your post below and actually understanding what you meant, I apologize for being a dick...
achilleselbow +0 -0
HEY GUYS I'M GOING TO RESPOND TO EVERY SINGLE POST WITH A DECLARATIVE SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM BEING SARCASTIC AND THAT MAKES IT OKAY EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT FUNNY.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I apologized. There is no need to be rude.
sje46 +0 -0
Is it me, or has elbox become just a little douchey lately?
nice-on-water +0 -0
The aviconitard seems to be more fitting than I thought at first.
achilleselbow +0 -0
That was intentional. It's like when Teodor decided to become more offensive.
nice-on-water +0 -0
So the attitude is the result of the avicon change, not the other way around?
belgand +1 -0
Douchey, but true. Sometimes you need someone who can be a jerk by telling the truth that everyone else is too polite to mention.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I don't see how what he said was necessary, considering he replied to my apology post.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I could have easily posted that in reply to any of the other hundred posts where you do the same thing.

Like I said, I think you do make great posts sometimes. I didn't call you out by name, and I just said we should all try to cut down on unnecessary posts. But your response to this whole discussion has been to get overly defensive and go down the page responding to everyone by doing a reductio ad absurdum of anything they were saying and forming it into a single sarcastic sentence in all caps. I imagine that if this were in person you would be saying these sentences in the kind of voice in which people say "DURR LOOK AT ME I'M ___" It's the kind of thing a third grader would do. By responding in this way, you've basically confirmed the very same opinion of you that you were trying to defend against.

Please don't respond to this with something like "OKAY FINE THEN I'M LEAVING" We know you're better than this. Just accept some constructive criticism and work with us to make Assetbar a better place.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I can accept constructive criticism fine. I don't see how having a livejournal account created so I can talk about my life is constructive. Or being told that saying that we don't have to be funny all the time here is ignore worthy is constructive. That is destructive to the core. That is downright insulting.

And the point I'm trying to make is that I apologized for doing that and you still did what you did.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Everyone here sucks now.

Check back later for when I present the shortlist of people on AssetBar who continue to not suck.
tekende +0 -0
The list includes:

drskradley
professorhazard
deimosrising
spinynorman
dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately
stereo +0 -0
I was always a fan of xiaomimi and epicurus.
sje46 +0 -0
The only reason that dr_manflesh is on this list is because for him not sucking==not posting. As soon as he posts again, he will suck again.
achilleselbow +0 -0
As long as we're going with people who are mostly dead to Assetbar, I'll say yearsinhotclaws and neonaoneo.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Neonaoneo was never good.
howl +0 -0
I haven't seen yearsinhotclaws for a while now.

Neonaoneo is a dick.
achilleselbow +0 -0
A... dick ?
tekende +0 -0
Oh yeah, yearsinhotclaws was cool.

Also, whiteturtle; he seems to just randomly show up for a few days and then disappear for months.

But yeah, the joke is that all of those people either don't post anymore or very rarely post anymore.
rowboat +0 -0
Oh.
rowboat +0 -0
Deimosrising? Man, that guy was decent at best. He just happened to be the first decent poster ever on Assetbar, so he got crazy respect by default. I mean, go back and look at some of his posts. He must have got an average of, like, thirty chubbies per comment for basically just for being coherent. He was just in the right place at the right time.

I definitely miss Skradley, though. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him.

One more thing - calling out Theguitarhero and the others for posting too much and then counting Manflesh as a poster who didn't suck really makes no sense, you know. If Theguitarhero is the flu, Manflesh was AIDS.
biff +0 -0
I totally don't understand the positive attitude towards Manflesh.

I didn't read that many of his posts. Because it only takes a couple of gratuitous irrlelvant homo-erotic fanfic posts to totally turn me off.

If this were a place where gratuitous irrelevant homoerotic fanfic was expected, I could understand such responses. But this is not such a place.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Plus weren't they all mostly the same text, just with name changes? I might be thinking of something else.
tekende +0 -0
I liked Manflesh, but the point of including him in the list was that he doesn't post anymore. If you don't post, you can't suck at posting.
sje46 +0 -0
Did you just plagiarize me?
tekende +0 -0
I...don't think so? What?
sje46 +0 -0
I guess it isn't if that was your original reasoning anyway.
Quote:
sje46 » neu 6 hours ago
The only reason that dr_manflesh is on this list is because for him not sucking==not posting. As soon as he posts again, he will suck again.

That is second post under your list.
biff +0 -0
My bad.

And yes, I totally agree.
zapatos +0 -1
Why oh why did someone have to fuck a monkey?
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
yeah man, what gives?
belgand +0 -0
I find that we actually just get tons of chubbies on mundane things or very lame jokes as long as they're up early and on the top of the page. The newer posters rarely venture down here.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
it'd be no fun if we played by those rules.

the game is the same. just a lot more players. more words, more links, more pictures.

DO YOU WANT SOME FRITTATA?
i mean, what do you want?

if i were a little more tired or depressed or hungry or something, i'd probably call your post as The Death Knell of All That Is Good in the Assetbarrio.

then again, all things must come and go. there is a time to reap, sow, live, die, etc.

and that, is what i have to say about that.
that.
that's that.
bixschmix +0 -0
That's pretty much why I don't post anymore. There were so many genuinely smart, witty people here, and suddenly it turned into "Let's all quote songs and movies and catchphrases and memes!" Not saying it's horrible to occasionally end a quote, but geez fellas... self-censor a little.
tekende +3 -0
This is something I've been thinking about for a few weeks now. Of course, a big part of the problem, I think, is that spinynorman, drskradley, heccibiggs, loneal, and other classic posters all seem to be gone. Why this is, I don't know (except in the case of loneal and hecci, obviously). Maybe they got jobs, or girlfriends, whatever.

But yeah. This place isn't as fun as it used to be.

Tough love time, guys: belgand. theguitarhero. sje46. zapatos. I'm sorry, but you guys post too much. Each new strip keeps generating over 1000 (sometimes WELL over 1000) comments, and I'd wager that 500 or 600 of that 1000 come from the four of you, easily. This wouldn't be a problem except that a lot of what you post isn't really interesting. You need to filter yourselves. Before you say something, ask yourself "is this funny? Is it interesting?" or "Does it pertain to the strip?" If the answer to any/all of those questions is no, then maybe you shouldn't post it.

That's a bit harsh, I know. And I do like you guys. But you really talk too much.
theguitarhero +0 -1
Well heccibiggs and loneal left more because they were being harassed and less because of the quality of comments here, spinynorman still pops up every so often and so do the other classic posters.

I do apologize for fucking up the status quo though. I haven't been working much since school let out and in an effort to keep myself busy I've basically had verbal diarrhea all over the 'Bar. I promised I was taking a sabbatical over the Christmas break but I haven't left yet. But I guess I have worn out my welcome and it is time for me to go...
achilleselbow +0 -0
You've made plenty of funny posts, but they're drowned out by the bland comments and the all caps schtick. No one's asking anyone to leave - moderation is the key. If you really need a way to waste more time, may I suggest video games?

Also, what happened to professor hazard? He was one of my all time favorites and was responsible for both "What news from the North?" and "...and MY AXE".
theguitarhero +0 -0
He got flamed away for harassing heccibiggs.
achilleselbow +0 -0
What? When did that happen? I thought I was assetbar historian extraordinaire.
tekende +0 -0
I don't recall that happening.

But professorhazard was pretty awesome. I miss seeing him say "It is unclear."
theguitarhero +0 -0
I was reading through some previous strips and he was saying what seemed like mean things to heccibiggs and other posters, there was a slight uproar about it and then I didn't see anything from him for a while.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
he's busy with a web comic of his own.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh.
autrepoupee +0 -0
you know who I miss?

AIU. There is just a hole where his posts used to be. Remember his last promise, to troll us under a new account? Empty and broken.

;____(
octafish +0 -0
To quote Lawbot, "NO".
theguitarhero +1 -0
Guys, I have something to confess...
massapathy +0 -0
Hedonismbot must have kidnapped and raped him.
hedonismbot +1 -0
I've never had more fun with rope and bacon grease in my life
tekende +0 -0
I'm not saying you should leave. Just exercise more discretion on what you post. I like you just fine, usually.
telescreen +1 -1
One of my favorite things to do on Assetbar was to think for days on how to leave a single post that would get the maximum amount of chubbies and comments going after it. And a lot of people seemed to do the same thing. Nowadays, you can't do that at all because five minutes in, there are 8 billion comments that cannot be filtered through with any version of Assetbarista and everybody has burned up all their chubbies. People are so desperate to get a word in edgewise before being lost in the sea of commentry that they don't take the time to attempt to amuse anymore. Can the genie be put back in the bottle? Probably not.
daedala_x +0 -0
yea, i started out with that mentality (single post, relevant, funny, hell of chubbies) and i was doing ok for a while. but then i noticed that everyone else was just talking about their personal lives and it's hard to ignore because it takes up like 90% of the comments. so then i set up a ratio for myself. one just-personal comment for every three entertaining comments. then that dwindled to a one to one... and then probably less.

it's funny that achilleselbow and tekende should be the ones spearheading this effort to de-mundane assetbar posts. if i am not mistaken, both are guilty of reporting numerous details concerning their daily lives, often without any humorous embellishment.

i have always wondered why there isn't a personal message function. it seems like that would eliminate a lot of unnecessary wall space being taken up by responses or inquiries directed towards an individual. a word limit function combined with a comment limit function might also help matters (one 10 line paragraph and 10 comments, respectively, i think would do the trick). i don't want to limit anyone's right to free speech but i simply don't have the time to read through everything anymore. it's not really fair that some people on assetbar have the whole day free to peruse comments while others like myself have only a couple hours of free time a day to work with. to read through all the comments would take all of that free time, perhaps more. since i don't have the time to read everything, why even jump in?

when i do have the time though, i will post only things that are entertaining to all. i just need to remind myself of this, and i suggest that everyone else remind themselves of this too. when you're being entertaining, your personality shines through anyway. dammit, i've already violated my proposed 10-line limit. anyway. this has just been bothering me a lot with certain people, and i've been feeling sort of like a hypocrite, so here is my atonement.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I don't think a comment limit would help, because people would probably not post that often.

A character limit MAY be beneficial, because it would force us to work with in the constrains of say, 200 characters? It works well for Twitter, why not here too? As long as we could post images I would be ok with that.

I think the important thing to realize is that we can't have it both ways. I don't think we should force this forum into a box by saying "Stupid comments, be more funny!" but I do admit we need to self-filter. I think when the comics come at a steadier pace this will happen naturally though. I never delved into my personal life until it almost become necessary to do so because there was nothing left to say.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's funny because I also started out with that "Only speak when spoken to, say funny thing" mentality.
i_love_kate +0 -0
"I don't think a comment limit would help, because people would probably not post that often."

TGH fails to grasp the logical purpose of a post limit.

Also, imposing a character limit would be a Bad Idea. I'm not one of the biggest essay-posters, but I appreciate that often the longest posts number among the best.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I understand the logical purpose of a post limit, what I meant was more, it'll just be stupid comments solely intended to make people LOL and if that ever is what Assetbar becomes I'm going to unplug the internet.
i_love_kate +0 -0
That time has already come and, ostensibly, passed. But some would call it the golden age.
sje46 +0 -0
The WHOLE THING?!?!?!
theguitarhero +0 -0
THE WHOLE THING.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I wasn't saying that anyone wanted me to leave. I had promised when Winter Break started I wouldn't post so much because I had basically oversaturated the market with my comments but I haven't left yet.

As far as what telescreen is talking about in regards to working towards saying something amusing, I'm sorry but no one here HAS to say something amusing. I'd rather us talk like normal people about our lives instead of having to carefully moderate every single thing we say so it can be "funny".

We are not here for your amusement, this is Assetbar not Funnyordie.com.
stereo +2 -0
I find this post lame but I have no lames to give it.

You're treading dangerously close to *Ignore User* territory. I don't want to hear about you normal people lives. I can get that from any fucking Livejournal on the internet.
theguitarhero +0 -0
A comment left by theguitarhero was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by gladi8orrex, Telescreen, Ramsus)
belgand +0 -0
Please don't do the angry walking out I'm never coming back thing. It's a huge cliche and seems like you're just trying to get attention and be told how much we really want you to stay.

Isn't that the reason we do that sort of thing in our real lives?

I realize you're hurt, but this isn't the best way to express it or deal with it.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I'm actually pretty serious, as I say later down the comments. I have to put up with being bitched at and/or fucking things up in basically every aspect of my life, I don't come here to be told I'm ruining everyone's life by DOING IT WRONG. No, I don't need that one bit.
theguitarhero +0 -1
And I'm leaving tomorrow, that's why I'm still posting. I want to tie up loose ends and then I'm gone.
belgand +0 -0
Even if you plan to leave the classy way is to say that you are going to leave in a polite manner and then never post again. Making a big, showy, angry thing of it is... just not a good idea. It represents everything that people are complaining about. I almost don't want to even post this myself now, but well... the point is that I think it could maybe do with being said. You're not the first to do this sort of thing.

If Belgand was just making everything worse and should never have posted this please turn to page Lame

If Belgand had a valid point to make on social interaction in Internet forums and, frankly, life as a whole please turn to page will anyone even choose this anyway? Why bother even trying to come up with a joke for it.
theguitarhero +0 -1
(I'm only exacerbating the problem, yes I know.)

I'm just frustrated. Am I not allowed that, or do I have to do that in a humorous manner too?
scorpio_nadir +2 -0
Moommmmmm! theguitarhero is exacerbating IN PUBLIC!
theguitarhero +0 -1
Thank you for giving me a chuckle at this dark point in the comments...
belgand +0 -0
Oh god it... it went everywhere. It's all over my shoes and I think I can feel it seeping into my socks. *GLOOSH* Fuck! It is in my socks.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
this.

THIS.
theguitarhero +0 -0
What are you trying to show? It's not coming up.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
manflesh's assetbar comment ficcy.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Can you say what it said?
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
you can look through that page's comments or you can search for his name on that page. i ain't really feeling a summarization at the moment. sorry, guitarhero. (avi still rad)
belgand +0 -0
Dr. Manflesh shows that he can use his powers of fanfic for astounding good as well as evil.
telescreen +0 -0
I was on your side in theory until here. This comment is where it all went wrong for me. There was this kid once who I knew who said something like this to me in front of an entire class during a seminar after I good-naturedly pointed out a glaring flaw in his argument about a book. All comments like this say is "come on guys you are all being dicks and I am a martyr for all your pretentious sins."
theguitarhero +0 -0
Fine.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Okay, can I just try something here? I need someone to find an example of some occasion in which TGH has posted something irrelevant about his personal life without it being in response to someone else's complaint about his behaviour. Jack-off about his sex life is also excluded, seeing as at least 50% of the posters here have said something along the lines of "I ROCK SO HARD AT GIVING ORAL TO THE LADIES" at some point.

Okay, go. Cool.
hellofditties +0 -0
I have never said that.

But it's true.
zapatos +0 -0
fux u dyke
hellofditties +0 -0
No sorry, I am rocking hard at something else right now.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Daaaaamn gurl!
zapatos +0 -0
adversity!
hedonismbot +0 -0
I am so bad about giving oral to the ladies. I can't even wrap my head around the concept. What am I supposed to be gagging on? And it's not like it matters, female orgasms are a myth anyway, right?
belgand +1 -0
I'm so bad at giving oral to the ladies that sometimes when I try to do so I accidentally end up giving oral to a dude instead. I'll be going to town and all of a sudden it's like
"Whoa, I think I'm totally blowin' a dude!" and when I look up I check and damn if I haven't just been fluffing some hog and I try to explain it to the guy that it's nothing personal, but I just thought I was going down on a lady because I'm so terrible at giving head and then he hits me very hard and I tend to forget what happens from then on.

Needless to say if you want to go down on a dude or a lady be certain that you double-check first.
zapatos +0 -0
"Hey look at that girl, you should give her oral," I said while unzipping my pants.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I don't understand what you are trying to achieve here. Could you explain?
rowboat +0 -0
*rapes theguitarhero orally*

That clear it up a little for ya, buddy?
theguitarhero +0 -1
I really don't care if any of you want me to stay.
gladi8orrex +1 -0
gutareherro is alredu in use. is so obv lol
theguitarhero +0 -0
Dammit!
stereo +0 -0
Ok.
sje46 +0 -0
If you don't like it than GTFO. SEriosuly, stop being babies. I'm getting a little sick of this place myself, and not because of myself, TGH or zapatos.
sje46 +0 -0
And I have been self moderating the last few strips. Obviously you guys don't notice.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I almost said the same thing.

It's funny everyone is bitching that we don't talk about the strip anymore or say anything funny, yet we make fun of the TOUAMB crowd for SAYING EXACTLY THAT.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Jesus, nobody is saying only talk about the strip. Maybe that is some hidden subtext I'm not picking up on in tekende, achilleselbow, and bixschmix's posts, but all I see is people saying the Assetbar has become a little saturated with posts that aren't really intended to amuse--which is what we were all used to.

While I'm not at all opposed to any of you that have been singled out, I do think that Assetbar is becoming more a social club and less of a humor forum type thing.

Maybe that is the natural evolution, in which case, eh! It happens. I just prefer a more entertaining, solely humorous communication, less of a "here is my life", or "my opinion, solid, no laugh-chaser."

That stuff is really meant for blogs. On occasion it's totally fine, but that sort of post has become the majority, with posts made strictly to entertain taking the second chair.

SJE, I did notice less posting on your part over the last few strips. If I were going to single people out for talking too much, I wouldn't have really included you.
theguitarhero +0 -1
Ok I might have screwed the pooch on the "talk only about the strip!" comment but someone here has said it, maybe not today but somewhere recently, and it wasn't Asherdan. I know I wasn't pulling that out my ass.

Also maybe there would be less social talk that was unfunny if there was actual conversation about the strip. It generally devolves into name-calling and arguments about how much the comic sucks nowadays. I'd rather have a million-comment long thread about our teeth-brushing technique then a hundred-comment long thread about how the only characters we need in the strip are Chucklebot and Blister and that Chris Onstad is a sell-out.
sje46 +0 -0
I'm tired of the "achewood is lame now" comments. Why? Because I think that it is too early to tell, and there is a bit bias involved with current comments as opposed to comments written before the invention of assetbar. And also, it saddens me. I hate negative people. If you don't like it. . .ride it out. Whatevs.
sje46 +0 -0
Also, people don't know what a sell-out is. People are stupid if they say that about Onstad.
gladi8orrex +1 -0
yal poest 2 mush. plz gooo
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
teilngn it lik itis.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I expected to be named there but I've made an effort to not post more than like a dozen times per comic in the last few weeks, which is partly a result of finals time but also because looking over old comics, I can see I'm just as bad, replying to things that didn't need to be replied to and not getting responses back. So.
stereo +1 -0
The reduction in strip rate is not helping. When it was 3 or 4 a week, you pretty much had 1 or 2 days to comment on a strip, so it stayed fresh. Now we're getting into the 6th and 7th days of seeing a strip and there's only so much you can milk from a moldy piece of beef (dead cows don't lactate you idiot) (shut up Stereo)
hamscout +0 -0
I agree with achilleselbow's concern, and I heartily agree with stereo's obervation. The past ten strips have sat for an average of nearly 4 days!
I can't even keep up with the searching for new comments, much less have time to contribute anything of much value. I've got a couple photobuggeries that I didn't even have the heart to finish, because by the time I got home from work, the posts around the setup were 20,000 leagues deep, and I lost heart.

Brevity is necessary when strips are quick, but lethargy breeds mundanity.
stereo +0 -0
Yeah, a few times I spent a little too long on photobuggery and they ended up lost and alone at the bottom of seven hundred comments, or went up minutes before the next day's strip. I guess the lesson is to do it quick and dirty (by the way, you seem to know the font used in Achewood, can I has?)
belgand +0 -0
At the same time, however, if there were more strips coming out wouldn't the problem be similar? We'd all move on to the new strip by the time it was done and it wouldn't be seen very much either.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Interstate Gothic, I think? The new Word on Vista has Blue Highway which is pretty close; it's the American highway sign's font I'm pretty sure (the ol' white on green).
hamscout +0 -0
stereo, I believe nice-on-water has already identified the accepted theory that Interstate is the font in question.
Being a man of lesser means, I simply mimic the font with my own concoction.
My "formula":
Helvetica Neue LT Std-57 Condensed
Vertical scaling at 90%, Horizontal Scaling at 110%
echidnaboy +0 -0
You'll find this indispensible, if you're a cheap bastard like me:
https://www.fonts.com/findfonts/detail.htm?pid=409302#tryfont
nice-on-water +0 -0
Are we all hinting at some kind of comment limit?

Chew your food for thought slowly and deliberately, my children.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Tattoo Discussion is the primo example of this. 9 days of comments led to all kinds of horrific discussions that started being about tattoos and probably led to dissertations on solipsism and arguments about rape and Leviticus.
zapatos +0 -0
there were mermans with giant cocks.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Exactly.
belgand +0 -0
This is what made it great.
echidnaboy +2 -0
I've always avoided getting into Assetbar politics because Internet Drama is, without exception, completely lame . But I suppose There Comes A Time.

It's true that people have been mistaking this messageboard for a chatroom or a blog, and that's a shame. Ideally, Assetbar would have a proper forum and a PM system, but it doesn't, so we have to conduct our inane conversations (whether they're about our sex lives, musical tastes, or importing Region 2 DVDs) in public, and inevitably people are going to get bored and/or annoyed some of the time. But if someone's posts consistently bore and/or annoy you, just put them on your ignore list. Trust me, Assetbar will immediately start to feel like less of a chore.

To reiterate Tekende's point: all posts should aim to be either: a) interesting, b) relevant or c) amusing. If you can manage all three, that's awesome, and you will earn hella chubbies. If you don't even attempt to meet one of these criteria, why would anyone want to read what you have to say?
sje46 +0 -0
All posts shouldn't anything. Just because people want something doesn't mean that that thing is more moral. Also, if thee was a forum, I doubt there would be a rule that says "You have to be funny, relevant or amusing". Because the first and third things I just douchey requirements, and the second would be impossible to mantain.

This is a self-moderated forum. If you do not like someone, lame them. It is that simple. No one is going to ban someone for being not always relevant or funny.
echidnaboy +1 -1
I'm not suggesting bans or even moderation, and I'm certainly not suggesting that it's "immoral" for someone to make a post that doesn't entertain me (seriously, I have no idea where you got that from).

What I mean is, many of the comments being posted here would be better suited to a chatroom or an off-topic forum, where threads about our personal lives etc. could be allowed to die after the conversation is over (rather than remaining permanently attached to a webcomic about talking cats), and could be avoided altogether by those who aren't interested.

I gotta admit, " all posts should..." was a little strong. I don't mean to come wading in all claiming to be the Voice Of Reason. But I genuinely don't see why anyone would come here to make posts that aren't at least somewhat interesting, relevant or amusing. As I said, this isn't a forum or chatroom, where comments are ephemeral and quickly forgotten. If someone just wants to shoot the breeze and chat about whatever's on their mind, there are better places to do so.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think the problem is, as someone mentioned, there is only so many funny relevant things one can say on a strip that is up for more than a week.

I have never started an irrelevant conversation, I usually try to post something "irrelevant" or "mundane" on such a conversation already in progress.
belgand +0 -0
I think it boils down to: is this a community for people who like Achewood or is this a venue solely to discuss the current comic and things relating to or inspired by it?

People's views on what Assetbar should be seem fall to varying degrees along that axis.
sje46 +0 -0
That morality came from the "should". As I see it "should" either means that if you want to accomplish Y, and the most rational way to accomplish Y is to do X, than one should do X. Or, if the goal is not stated, then I take it to mean "ought" which is a moral statement. This is what I took it as.
I post a lot, I know. Mostly because I typically don't talk to many people IRL, and I guess it's just cool to connect with people with similar interests to me. I'm not normally a blabby person; I just open up more online. I realized I wasn't funny a long time ago, and I'm sorry.
belgand +0 -0
SJE, if you ever want to talk feel free to e-mail me. As I said earlier I'm at gmail.

Not just because of the drama going on now and because you're fun to talk to, but, well, you're a rad dude and if you ever need some faceless stranger to type at I want you to know that I'm here for ya.

I will take you to the super secret trendy (but still delicious) ice cream parlor. It surprises me that for a town that doesn't ever really get warm and has very cold summers I can think of three really great local ice cream spots off the top of my head.
sje46 +0 -0
Thanks dude.

Whereabouts to you live?
belgand +0 -0
If you don't know yet you haven't heard me never shutting up about it.

Hint: almost as far away from New Hampshah as you can get while still remaining in the USA, but not San Diego because that would probably be the actual answer to that. San Francisco.
sje46 +0 -0
I tend to forget easily things like that. Sorry.
zapatos +0 -0
Also RedPhillip is gay, and I can shoot lasers out of my fingertips.
sje46 +0 -0
RedPhilip is WHAT ?!?!?!?!?!
achilleselbow +0 -0
He is rather mirthful.
puguglypress +0 -0
WHATEVER

I DO WHAT I WANT
telescreen +0 -0
Remember the halcyon days of spinynorman? he could tell a hilarious anecdote that was also relevant to the strip and then have snarky commentary on the responses to his comment. I used to scroll on each comment section until I found his lit up little section of glory on the page.

A forum would be nice, but really I think a return to just a little of the self censorship would be nice. Not too much, as some personality has been a nice addition to the commentary.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
there is a forum. asherdan is its leader.

there's two Achewood gangs, the assetbarians and the touambly.

careful about which side you choose.
rowboat +0 -0
We could eat them for breakfast, if that helps you decide.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Hah, man I am as big a fan as Spinynorman as you might find, but claiming that he was always relevant to the strip with his anecdotes is the pretty much the biggest, whitest lie that you could come up with.
telescreen +0 -0
When I lie it makes the voices quieter.
rowboat +0 -0
I don't know, man. I can't see the problem. This place was never perfect. There have always been the posters who I try to find and the ones who make me want to punch something. The names change, but most of the same roles stay filled. People are always lamenting the apparent departure of this Edwell. He must have had a short tenure that fell in the space of time in which I was on asset-hiatus. I don't remember him at all. But the point is, now we have Hamscout to rock to Photoshop chuckle. Sure, Spinynorman was a good storyteller, but he never made me laugh like Autrepoupee does. There used to be Towl with his love of clits, and now there is Glad with the stupid little shit that he does. Loneal was...wait, what made Loneal interesting? Didn't people just respond to her because she was thought to be attractive?

Anyway, as someone else has already pointed out somewhere else here, I think it has more to do with the fact that it's basically a weekly strip now. This is exactly what the boards would've looked like back then had there been layovers like these. I understand that Onstad is busy doing good things, so I don't bitch about it. But this is one side effect of that.

As for Theguitarhero, Sje, Zappy and (you forgot) Belgand posting a ton, it's not like they're trolls or anything. When I first got back I thought they might be, but I'd say that they've all proven themselves to be human at this point (if not a bit too human, at times) and I think they're actually pretty funny a lot of the time. Besides, getting back to my main argument, there have always been people here who just basically blog on Assetbar. Now, as then, if I ever don't feel like reading about them, I just get my scrollin' shoes on. It's easy.

In the end, I think the handface thing gave you guys a taste of something really great that couldn't possible sustain itself and you're all still dealing with that. That's fine. But don't be blue. There are still a lot of good folks here even if they're not all the same ones you remember. Don't forget us.
sje46 +0 -0
Personally, I know I post a lot and I'm sorry and all, but I think you guys are being a little douchey to theguitarhero, whom I think is pretty rad even though he posts like crazy. I think it was wrong to make him that blog space, for example. That really is a bit insulting and dismissive. Everyone here is rad in his own way, except for desert_donkey, of course.
So yeah, I mostly agree with you. I think that pretty much there was a time where there was a preponderance of hilarious comments on Assetbar, and everyone is bitter about those people leaving and blaming it on the people who post a lot, which doesn't really make too much sense to me. Blame them for leaving, not us.

Also, I think mostly people just feel on edge because of the slowness perceived lameness of this particular arc.

What I am seeing here is similar to what I'm seeing on /b/. I hope that you guys don't start showing gruesome pictures as "chemo" to ward off the new people.
autrepoupee +0 -0
I'm not ashamed of the livejournal, and while it might've been insulting, it was done in the manner of the Internet; insulting without any real malice attached. I'm not going to egg his house or steal his girlfriend or anything.

Take a joke. Say, or do something that can make you the object of ridicule or scorn, and then don't be shocked and appalled when someone laughs at your expense. If someone made me a livejournal because of a series of "Updates on My Life" posts on here, I'd laugh. If someone told me to gb2someotherinternetplace, I'd laugh.

Theguitarhero, if you're up at night biting your nails because of my gag, I'm sorry and I hope you realize that I don't mock and deride you, thehumanbeing, so much as I ridiculed and insulted your persona here--rather, as it presently is. If you're just being Internet Oversensitive, which from what I can tell is what is going on, I'm not at sorry.
theguitarhero +0 -1
I actually was kind of hurt, mainly because the tone in that post was different than the tone in your other posts. It didn't seem to me like you were joking at all, that you genuinely were angry at me.

Again I stated that I knew I posted too much and too personally and yet it kept being hammered that this is a place for HUMOR and COMEDY and not anything else, and it got to the point where it snapped.

I say this also to let you know that this is my last post until January 20th. Also, with my grades being the way they are, probably my last post on this mortal coil. SERIOUSLY, YOU SAID I WAS ON TRACK FOR A B AND SAID MY FINAL FILM WAS GOOD YET IT ONLY ROSE MY GRADE ONE POINT? FUCK YOU PROFESSOR.
autrepoupee +0 -0
I was sort of irritated, only because you had brought the whole thing over to an unrelated tract of comments, making it seem as if you were just going to sop pissiness all over this strip; and I thought creating a livejournal was too clever an idea to pass up. Did you see your interests? They are sex and achewood, along with "my achin wood". I just couldn't resist.

Really though, post what you like, whenever you like, wherever you like. No one appointed me lord over anything, but I'll probably make fun of anyone else I see posting lame things. You're a good guy, no big whoop. Sorry if I hurt your """"IRL""""" feelings.
theguitarhero +0 -0
It's ok we can still be friends.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Quote:
People are always lamenting the apparent departure of this Edwell. He must have had a short tenure that fell in the space of time in which I was on asset-hiatus. I don't remember him at all. But the point is, now we have Hamscout to rock to Photoshop chuckle. Sure, Spinynorman was a good storyteller, but he never made me laugh like Autrepoupee does. There used to be Towl with his love of clits, and now there is Glad with the stupid little shit that he does. Loneal was...wait, what made Loneal interesting? Didn't people just respond to her because she was thought to be attractive?


I've been partying for the last few days and have ignored assetbar for the most part, and defintely didn't read through this whole drama, but I think what rowboat says here corresponds with my general experiences with assetbar; plus he sums up Glad perfectly.

I was here for the handface thing (though I abstained from participating), but it's weird to think of that as some kind of golden age in respect to this current argument. It was the first ridiculously long set of comments under a strip, most of which were just "ok i'm posting my picture!" or "you're hot!" and a bunch of other not terribly interesting, relevant or funny comments. It was probably what led to the culture of people posting more personal messages on here, so it's more like the first chapter in the decline and fall.

oh well, assetbar is assetbar is assetbar.
nice-on-water +0 -0
It seems to me though that, as we lost the more interesting people (I think I came in at the tail end of that spinynorman reign because I remember stories from him), we also lost the most annoying of trolls. Now we have desert_donkey and gladi8orrex (however it's spelled) but I have them on ignore, and AIU too in case he makes a comeback. Silver lining?
i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh, Rowboat. You need to bring yourself up to date with Edwell. There's a reason we elected him God-Emperor of AssetBar.
stereo +0 -0
Calling it an election is a bit of a farce, he was the only candidate.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh, I'm sorry, I was under the impression that I was speaking to an American.
belgand +0 -0
I do, in my defense, try to work for the laughs as well. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it takes some discussion or effort to get a place to make the funny happen.

At the same time it can't be jokes all the time. We need character development to make better jokes. Jokes that cut better and deeper and reveal the truth of the world within them.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Achewood has become an allegory for an internet forum.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Baudrillard is laughing in his grave.
belgand +0 -0
I have constructed an artificial simulation of Baudrillard laughing in his grave at the thought of someone having constructed a simulation of Baudrillard laughing in his grave.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I almost made that into a picture.
belgand +0 -0
Ideally the picture would be an image of the asset itself.
theguitarhero +0 -1
[IMGS OFF]
smilebuddha +0 -0
My mind is blown. (SPLUT!)
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Quote:
Jokes that cut better and deeper and reveal the truth of the world within them.

Mexican Magical Reality Jokes: by Ronco%u2122.

let's see how it translates the trademark symbol-
i_love_kate +1 -0
I like the implication that tempting AssetBar is now akin to mentioning Candlejack in that it cuts you off before you can finish pos
nice-on-water +0 -0
Assetbar: I love this job.
octafish +0 -0
I january I am going to find myself with a lot of time on my hands at work. I know I will probably spend a lot of time the hitting curr on Assetbar. I will try to filter my posts as I have a tendency both to over post and to make needlessly obscure references. This is my new year's resolution.
belgand +0 -0
I think this is a crucial observation that I was thinking of myself earlier. Those of us who post often appear to be those of us who have the ability to post very often. Notice how, for instance, Zapatos has stopped posting as much after mentioning that he can no longer do so at work.
sje46 +0 -0
theguitarhero and I are both incredibly lazy college students who don't have anything to do with our time. This is why I post so much. I should get out more.
belgand +0 -0
Unemployed post-college type here. I have even more time than you two.
sje46 +0 -0
That's a lot of time. Seriously I just sit here and I'm like, "WTF? Should I play a video game? Nah, video games bore me now. Should I watch TV? Nothing good's ever on. Should I read a book? I should probably catch up on my studying. I'll just lie here on my bed, nice and com . .. . "
[four hours later, now 2AM].
Ah! Nice nap! Now what should I do? Oooh! Assetbar!"
belgand +0 -0
Not to be unpleasant, but this is the kind of thing that seems to be upsetting people. Maybe a nice e-mail would suffice? Although that would mean that it's not really so much of a conversation that anyone else could join which seems to be problematic, but still. Just a heads-up.
sje46 +0 -0
You know I wrote that post specifically to be funny. I thought that people would say "Oh look! sje is now trying to be funny and not writing boring posts about how much he hates himself. Good for him!"
Nope, all I get is "NOT FUNNY NOT FUNNY, PLEASE LEAVE YOU ARE NOT WANTED."
bixschmix +0 -0
The "not funny," yes. The "leave you're not wanted," you are making up in your own head. I think this is your crucial problem. Just because we don't like the things you *say* doesn't mean we don't like *you.*
falseprophet +0 -0
...But then...why *do* we like him?
sje46 +0 -0
Please don't be mean.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Sometimes it's more funny when people are mean. This is not Mr. Gary's support group.
sje46 +2 -0
Go suck yourself off, douche.
achilleselbow +0 -0
YES
bixschmix +0 -0
I didn't say we like him. I said we didn't *NOT* like him. It's a small but crucial difference.
sje46 +0 -0
That's funny, because I love you! <3
belgand +0 -0
A gentle critique then, if you'll allow it. It sounded more like you're just recounting your day in an affable manner. You get bored, you fall asleep, you come here.

Not a lot of rich content of hard, solid joking going on in that and it sounds so intensely personal that I think it's the type of thing that people are dissatisfied with.

I don't want to go all Quisling on you, but I'm just trying to maybe point out some of the things that apparently are contentious.
sje46 +0 -0
Then I guess I'm just an intensely unfunny guy, because I do try.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I can't say I'm not happy about that. While people mention sje and theguitarhero as annoying, they post in a totally harmless way: references and anecdotes about how boring or loserly they are, which I know I can relate to (I'm the same age as them anyway and probably much like them; kindred spirits, if you will). But zapatos just comes on and tells the world how her ass-fucked a girl, and that's just a dick thing to post. Not all the time, of course, and he's not without his merit, but when he posts something about how much he parties or how much he benches, it makes my internet blood simmer.

This asset relates to zero (0) topics.
theguitarhero +0 -0
In zapatos defense, on this strip specifically I talked about sexing in the bathroom and also doing anal.
nice-on-water +0 -0
That doesn't make it tactful or warranted.
zapatos +0 -0
I have never been slandered with either of those adjectives.
nice-on-water +0 -0
My point exactly.
zapatos +0 -0
You seem to agree with me tonight.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Say something I disagree with and I won't agree.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Long cat is short.
sje46 +0 -0
Blasphemy.
In fact, long cat is loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.
nice-on-water +0 -0
But neither of you are zapatos sooo...
stereo +0 -0
Speaking of things that are long, heeeeere's zapatos'
zapatos +0 -0
I am trying with all my strength to avoid talking about my penis.

It is so hard.
telescreen +0 -0
I resolve not to be an internet dick, but also to make more obscure references. I like contradictory resolutions so I know I'm doomed to failure.
zapatos +0 -0
Seriously when I first saw this post and all of its threads I was all, "I bet I have no chance with any bitches as nasty as this."

But then I looked at the avicons and I went huh I guess it was no bitch at all just a bunch of bitchy-bitch bitch men.
tetsujin +1 -0
Did you guys notice how Polly doesn't look like a transexual Teodor with crow's feet anymore? That's nice.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
mexican realism hallucination.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Transexual Magical Realism.
falseprophet +0 -0
I know! Now she just looks like Molly with a receding hairline.
kickstart +0 -0
whoa, I never noticed the total five-head until you mentioned that.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Drawing stylish, yet intelligent fembear hairlines- not an easy thing if they've never been done before.
How many cartoon bears have blazed this trail? Yogi? Boo-boo? I think not.

Where does the forehead end, and the scalp begin?
Much modeling and agonizing went into this. We have....no idea.
paigejay +0 -0
Though, it would be strange to draw her with a "hair do." It might look even more like transsexual Teodor.

I like her; she's not a run of the mill stripper.
achilleselbow +2 -0
My pappy lost his job when they closed down the ol' stripper mill down in Scranton. Too many people buyin' them newfangled Japanese strippers nowadays.
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, but too many of the American models are just plain huge with parts that keep falling off. Plus they require tons of fuel.

I'd much rather go with a well-built Japanese model that I can trust to get me where I need to be than some junky American model.
stereo +1 -0
Yeah, when her check engine light keeps blinking and yet nothing is wrong with her engine it is an expensive waste of time. Like buying hookers real diamonds.
belgand +0 -0
It's just not turning over at all baby? But... well, I mean I just... yeah, but that new transmission and everything, that isn't helping at all? No, no... I... I guess I can just. I'll just walk there myself.
i_love_kate +0 -0
i hve herd that jpnese grls do nt smell inthe cooch
paigejay +0 -0
This is why foreign strippers should have a sales tax.
pogo +0 -0
Whoops! Lunch hour is over, so the comments after about six hundo will have to do without my pithy retorts and scathing innuendo.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh Larry King.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Quote:
Whoops! Lunch hour is over, so the comments after about six hundo will have to do without my pithy retorts and scathing innuendo.


It's the ADDLED CHEMISTRY HOUR With Professor Pogo! Today, Dr. Pogo will demonstrate how to scald his innuendo in a pithy retort....blah...blah....
pogo +0 -0
I got your retort right here, lam-o! (It's lunch time again.)
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
retorted Professor Pogo, brazing torch and bunsen burner in hand.
"Who wants hot chocolate with bunny marshmallows?"
cromar +0 -0
So much Ray bashing lately :(
theguitarhero +0 -0
I read a thing about Damien Hirst the other day and after reading the descriptions of his "Art Installments" I have to agree with what was said that one time: The Dude Sucks.
mattylite +0 -0
If I may be so bold, how about an
Official thread for talking about the myspace piece
mattylite +0 -0
I love it. I think this reflects what Onstad is talking about when he keeps saying he feels limited by comic strips. Here is a great place for his writing skills and layout and all to shine. Little articles, tables, illustrations, pop-outs. Kind of like a more pro version of RB's zines, which by the way are AWESOME.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Is it better than the one about Taco Bell?
mattylite +0 -0
Hard to say. I love the art in that Taco Bell one, and I forgot how good a little story it tells. But I think what I am diggin' about this one is the more free-form, magazine-type style. I could imagine like a coffee table book in this style that would be really cool.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I think the Taco Bell one was too much of a rehashing of the whole Vestigial Dong storyline. Roast Beef, Ray and Teador head out to enjoy an unusual experience, Teador goes crazy, Roast Beef and Ray have to Take Him Down.
belgand +0 -0
I see where you're coming from, but the mood is very different. It perfectly captures that "late night, driving with friends" feel. Or so I presume if I had friends or drove any more.

This one is good and amusing, but I worry about its lasting impact. The short little bits seem more like throwaways. They amuse briefly and then are gone and forgotten.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I would like to play this Japanese video game. I bet it's even better than Battle Raper.
mattylite +0 -0
Even if you had to hit this guy?
[IMGS OFF]
belgand +0 -0
Frankly I really want to just plain hit that guy right now.
puguglypress +0 -0
Yeah, fuck that guy.
belgand +0 -0
I do not think I would desire to do that, no. Your pleas and dares are falling on deaf ears.
rowboat +1 -0
Oh, I would definitely rape the shit out of that action!

(I'm not kidding. I would rape that man.)
achilleselbow +0 -0
Also, the link says two pages, yet one page is exactly what I see here.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I thought that maybe it was just a preview image but yes, it appears to be one page.
belgand +0 -0
I think it is two lengthwise pages. Look at the design and you'll see where it splits. I found that I could scroll down and have two pages roughly. They're just connected to each other.

I still think billing it as "two pages" was a tad disingenuous though.
catgrl131 +0 -0
For your viewing pleasure:
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
catgrl131 +1 -0
In widescreen!:
[IMGS OFF]
[IMGS OFF]
rowboat +0 -0
Man, fuck some dang old eggs; I want the Theremin-playing astronaut tickets in my damn stocking. Now.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
good jeorb!
catgrl131 +0 -0
But seriously, FUCK eggs over hard. That is possibly the worst way to cook an egg. Whites all rubbery, yellows all dry, all burny round the edges, and not in a good way. Who's with me?
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
fried or scrambled, puh-lease!

none of this 'over hard' junk.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
oh boy will that comment bring innuendo and double-entendre.
theguitarhero +0 -0
cpnglxynchos doesn't like junk that is too hard pass it on
belgand +0 -0
Basted, I believe, can be proven to be the absolute best way of preparing eggs for breakfast on their own.

This is only for solo eggs. Huevos rancheros or huevos con chorizo are also very amazingly delicious, but those belong closer to the level of discussing egg dishes.
belgand +0 -0
Sorry to double-post, but earlier I thought about replying to this, but I hesitated and was cowed by the complaints going on so I clicked "Cancel" and made it go away.

Now others have posted along with it so I felt that maybe it was OK if I also did. Looking back though I feel guilty and bad about doing that because I feel like it's just part of the whole "contributing to the problem" thing that people were going on about and, well, I got called out specifically so I'm trying to be a lot more careful and am definitely far more worried.

I'm not trying go off on anyone, be a martyr, or whine loudly, but it's true. I'm now feeling guilty and bad about posting something.

Hell, I feel even worse just posting this.
pogo +0 -0
Nobody cares anyway.
stereo +0 -0
Scrambled eggs with beansprout and shrimp are a delight to the mouth.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I suppose that such as an omelette is far too advanced a thing to expect a dude to learn how to make.
belgand +0 -0
A dude can make an oubliette, but an omelet is is definitely too hard to turn out properly. Especially with the fancy trifolds? Blow me in a box I'm not doing that! I will make what is basically scrambled eggs that I let set more, pop it full of meat and cheese and then pass it down into the pit for you to eat for breakfast.

It puts the hot sauce on the eggs?
sje46 +0 -0
I never understood the hot sauce on the eggs thing. Or ketchup either.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Don't get ketchup, but as soon as I get real eggs in this piece and not fucking egg beaters I'm drowning that shizznit!

I want eggs.
rowboat +0 -0
Quote:
...never understood...hot sauce...eggs

I felt that way before I discovered sriracha. Now I can't imagine any other way.
belgand +0 -0
RoBox, he loves-a the cock sauce on his eggs!

I enjoy it in places, but it's a tad strong for me. A standard-size bottle seems like it would last me for the rest of my life. Almost all I taste is burning.
sje46 +0 -0
I looked up oubliette because I didn't know what it means, and I think you may have the wrong word.
belgand +0 -0
Well, ideally you would not feed people in one, but no, I have precisely the word I intended to use. Hence the, perhaps overly obscured, Silence of the Lambs reference which while not exactly an oubliette comes close enough.
theguitarhero +0 -0
the caff at my college supposedly makes some of the best omelettes. I must try them some day.
sje46 +0 -0
You should come to my caff and I'll make you some stir-fry (I work there). Only had an omette once though.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Damn, lucky. the only stirfry they offer at mine is usually the vegetarian kind. The "classic" section is usually some ridiculous piece of meat.

We definitely have some of the best breakfast. I can't wait till I live on campus I will basically be getting up early to gorge myself on all you can eat French Toast.
belgand +0 -0
Again, not trying to dick out all over the place, but I think that discussions of the food in your college cafeteria is now verbotten .
getajob +1 -1
Not trying to dick out, but it just comes so effortlessly, right?
sje46 +0 -0
Nothing is forbidden. Where ae the mods? I don't see them.

Perhaps we're trying to annoy all you guys now?
hellofditties +0 -0
I don't know, there is only so much you can say about eggs.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I have hell of sense of eggs, as long as they are scrambled.
belgand +0 -0
Feel free to do as you will. I just think to myself "Dude, this is exactly the sort of stuff that people are complaining about. Maybe I should mention it to him gently so, y'know, he realizes."

I was one of the people called out on this too. I just don't want people to get pissed at you is all.

Honestly it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I would probably have joined in. I'm just trying to help lower the level of tension around here.
sje46 +0 -0
Fine .. . thanks. I just think that people should stop complaining about it
sje46 +0 -0
Ohhh. French toast. :) We don't get that here, but at least we have all-you-can-eat, and make-your-own-waffles!
hamscout +0 -0
achilleselbow, I am a dude, and I was an accomplished omelette maker as a short-order cook. I wouldn't have called them food art, but they were hella tasty.
pogo +0 -0
Quote:
FUCK eggs over hard

Really, it ruins them. I know some people are afraid of Sam Monella giving them the rocket pooops, but still, runny yolk is the best part for me, so over easy, please. (That's what she said.)
hedonismbot +0 -0
The misspelling here made my fucking weeks. I can just picture Larry King extending the word. "Pooooooops"
theguitarhero +0 -0
Sen. Barack Obama, we all understand your fiscal policies, but what about poooooooooops?
sje46 +0 -0
Thank you. I can't stand waiting for Myspace to load.
hamscout +1 -0
A friend sent me this, and the tone reminded me of all the great Achewood flowcharts...

Thinkin' Lincoln makes a flowchart
hamscout +0 -0
Also, in this one , Jose de San Martin looks like Keith Moon's alive head.
hamscout +0 -0
WTF? Now he's N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S.

I have to stop this...
achewood_fan +0 -0
Does anyone else worry that Ray is being too much of a chump recently?
randyleepublic +0 -0
He does seem off his game a bit. I mean, Ray as always been a pretty major chump in some areas, but in other areas he was on point and taking names. Now, he just seems sort of pathetic. It's sad. I think I'm going to cry. Excuse me.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Here is a tissue.

[IMGS OFF]
redphillip +1 -0
This is one of the most unusual uses of a cock ring I've ever seen.
belgand +0 -0
Really? That is the most unusual? Or is it merely more unusual because it is so far away from it's typical uses?

I could see the value here though. It serves a purpose and then when one wishes it for a masturbatory aid it is convenient to additional supplies.
hedonismbot +0 -0
I have seen a normal sized cockring holding more than three cocks at one time.
achilleselbow +1 -0
That cockring was your mother.
thickbasssteak +0 -0
all i can do is apologize
theguitarhero +0 -1
That's not a cockring it is a napkin ring, or at least that's what the thing said when I googled tissues.
theguitarhero +0 -1
that's not a cockring THAT'S MY WIFE.
thickbasssteak +0 -0
having your game outdone by an elderly english bear could probably throw a guy for a loop.
zapatos +0 -0
Great. I hear there is such drama on the assetbar, so I come to investigate. However!

I have no unread tabs. No yellow highlights. I don't want to read it all over again... So I won't.

"I can't risk a bite."
theguitarhero +0 -1
What happened?
stereo +0 -0
Somebody set a bomb upon us.
theguitarhero +0 -1
War is beginning?
pogo +0 -0
I got some yellow tabs on Thursday around noon CST. But you know, sometimes I don't get them. And it is a bummer to have to actually read all this shit.
tekende +1 -2
Dadfrigginggumit. I made two or three posts this afternoon pertaining to the Great Assetbar Purpose Debate, and none of them showed up. I'll try here to sum up what I said.

1. Several posters are alluding to thinking that I said all comments need to pertain to the strip. I did not say such. I said comments should try to be interesting, amusing, and/ OR relevant to the strip. I don't want to see this become nothing but "oh man I love Ray's expression in panel three".

2. I'm not saying that theguitarhero, sje, zapatos, or belgand should leave. Stay if you want, or don't. For the most part, I like you guys. You have plenty of funny things to say. Unfortunately, it seems like lately for every funny thing you post, you write five more comments that aren't particularly interesting at all. I'm sorry if you're offended that I called you out by name, and I'm sorry if you got the impression that I think you guys are the heart and soul of the problem--you're not. You're part of it, but by no means all of it. (Obviously a big culprit is this one-strip-a-week update schedule.) (I'm also not considering myself blameless, but it's hard to judge my own performance.)

Oh, and theguitarhero? You're being a turd now. No one told you to leave. No one said they didn't like you. Quite a few people have told you that they do like you and want you to stay, but you insist on acting like a persecuted martyr. Leave if you want, but don't blame any of us.

3. Take a retarded child camping
theguitarhero +0 -1
One last time, I said last week I was going to leave for winter break, I was planning on leaving anyway, and there have been words said today that make me feel like I should take my leave now instead of waiting until next week.

but whatever this isn't worth arguing with anyone about anymore, I just keep fighting with people I care about (won't go any further don't worry) and I want it to stop.
theguitarhero +0 -0
A comment left by theguitarhero was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by gladi8orrex, sncether, puguglypress)
cpnglxynchos +1 -0
TGH:S.O.-S.A.D.
scorpio_nadir +7 -0
You've summed it up about 50 times now. You take longer to die than an operatic tenor.
All flopping around on the stage singing farewell to every friend, forgiving every foe, holding fake prop sword in your ribs...

"Theese...eesa-a my a-very lasta post...<cough...spit blood>....Ora Andiamo!"
pogo +0 -0
Operatic, indeed. You made me glad that I started reading from the end of the thread today.
stereo +0 -0
It's more intriguing if people don't know why you left or where you're going, but whatever. I guess some people have no sense of mystery.
belgand +0 -0
I definitely agree. I did this myself back in high school when I switched schools after my freshman year. I only moved within the district so it wasn't that big of a deal, but when I showed up mid-year for debate or something I would still hear the occasional thing from people about where in the hell I went.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
wahhhh do not read Beef's blog and return to assetbar too quickly.

eyes a'splode.
theguitarhero +0 -0
*splut*
achilleselbow +0 -0
I've succeeded in starting a huge controversy. Awesome! What to do next?

*Ahem* Hey, guys, you know, I think rape is pretty okay on the whole.
belgand +0 -0
You massive prick!
pogo +0 -0
Of course you rape the hole, what else would you rape, you big prick?
achilleselbow +0 -0
Also, the Holocaust didn't happen.
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Get in line with that one.


No, the line on the right.
smilebuddha +0 -0
Is that the line to the showers?
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Zose are showers for hygiene only. You don't vant to be Filthy!
tekende +0 -0
That's okay, the rest of our phallocentric culture thinks so too.
genocidefish +0 -0
I hate to suggest this, but... 2008... Onstad's worst year?
It's not going THIS way, is it?
https://www.checkerboardnightmare.com/retro/20010629.shtml

Surely not...
scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Don't call me Surly.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Sewer thing.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
he has before, sorta, with lyle versus the blues the government doesn't want you to hear . only once...but he has.
mattylite +0 -2
How about some sous-vide-d lamb chops?
How about some sous-vide-d up Pushkin's lamb chops?
[IMGS OFF]
i_love_kate +0 -0
There's not being relevant to the strip, and then there's just being weird.
mattylite +0 -0
-Relevance: 5 (the last panel mentions Pushkin)
-Humor: 0.3 (stupid pun on lambchops and sous-vide (see also: relevance))
-Interest: 0.5 (maybe someone wonders what Pushkin looked like)
-Vertical space taken: about 900 pixels

Using Assetbar Self-Moderation Formula #19a, (R H I)/S, where R is Relevance, H is Humor, I is Interest, and S is Space taken, my score for the asset is a disappointingly low .006444444444444444...

It is bad, but not as bad as that one famous Dr. Manflesh asset-- that was about as close to zero as the index gets.

mattylite +0 -0
(R plus H plus I)/S, god DAMNit.
biff +0 -0
I think there should be a modification to the formula to take into account when a picture is too big to fit on the screen.

Specifically, when, as in this case, it is pointlessly too big to fit on the screen.

That is the only reason I lamed it. Had it been, say, only 75% as large, I would have looked at it, and just gone on.
mattylite +0 -0
I meant to get the thumbnail's url, not the actual image's-- my bad. But notice that the formula takes this into account with its S variable. If I'd posted a way smaller version, say one only 50 pixels high, I'd score a .116-- not bad. See, the stat should read kinda like batting average, I figure, except for the scores on R, H, and I are not only totally subjective but also without any actual scale to them.
mattylite +0 -0
*not as bad, but still well under the Mendoza line. Who is the assetbar Mendoza, I wonder?
biff +0 -0
Good god, the Mendoza Line. I never expected to see that mentioned on Assetbar.

It almost restores my faith.
rowboat +0 -0
My prediction: The Mendoza Line = the Astros team B.A. in '09.

I don't feel like I'm going out on a limb, here.
pogo +0 -0
I learn something nearly every time I read Assetbar.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Man, I'm sorry, I forgot that the last panel mentioned Pushkin. I am all kinds of jumping to conclusions without doing the appropriate research, today. I need to go and do some thinking.
stereo +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs
sje46 +0 -0
You posted that in the wrong thread. :(
sje46 +0 -0
Look here:
|
|
\/
achilleselbow +0 -0
I am imagining that zapatos has a t-shirt with that on it.
tekende +0 -0
It gets him play like you wouldn't believe.
zapatos +0 -0
You really wouldn't believe it.
zapatos +0 -0
...even if i told you about it
theguitarhero +0 -0
Dear Penthouse Forum...
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I like this comment because, on my screen, the arrow points right at achilleselbow's wong burger icon.
sje46 +0 -0
wong burger?

I guess it didn't update yet for me. I am looking at a male genitalium.
achilleselbow +0 -0
That's Mr. Wongburger to you. He is King Dick.
sje46 +0 -0
Ah. I was at least correct in guessing the show it was from.
Also, is genitalium a real word?
pogo +0 -0
Good to know the origin, although the thought of all those severed dicks makes me cross my legs real tight. "Great hot dog, sitting right on top of two soggy walnuts, blood flavored."
sje46 +0 -0
I think we all need hugs up in here.
Official hug thread.
Only hugs are accepted here.
*hugs all*
rowboat +0 -0
*fuckshugs sje*
sje46 +0 -0
Oh, joy!
*hugs back*
redguy +1 -0
Oh my. In panel 2 she fondles Connie under the table as she mocks Ray. Ray's looking so lame he may as well take the prime rib to the curb, call it a night, and go edit Wikipedia entries for individual Transformers.
puguglypress +0 -1
Hopefully, this godawful storyarc is over. Redguy's comment gave me a bigger laugh than the actual strips. Let's call your comment about Wikipedia entries the conclusion to this story, so we can all say, "Well, at least the ending was funny".