kamet +4 -2
Nice Pete is the appropriate author for such a book.

tommycrashwreck +53 -0
Tom Waits is the appropriate narrator for the book on tape.

harrisonbender +2 -1
Yes, he is!

spinynorman +0 -0
A comment left by spinynorman was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by randombeing, littlefox, shaggy23)

biff +1 -0
Heath Ledger as The Joker does (did) sound a lot like Tom Waits.

I don't think it is possible to have too much Tom Waits.

pamelushka +13 -0
I quite enjoyed listening to Tom Waits during the birth of my last child. Coupled with nitrous, it made an epidural completely unnecessary.

alreadyinuse +0 -0
A comment left by alreadyinuse was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by apocowarg, ZombieJesus, Spoon, sean1058, dizneedave, Rykan, HSE, Spenham, Belgand, svenkta, quaga, fancypants, woodenteeth, Lucid, surfman_fish, hotconnerybod, fattypneumonia, Troy_Convers, SpinyNorman, idsyen, techiebabe, andrewthepig, Backdraft, frankswild, smilebuddha, Tashara, SurelySmack, Appers)

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
y'know, i completely DO listen to Moby and other techno but i'm unsure i'd like him in conversation the way Pat does.

also, his get-up in this video is the second definition of Ass Man in my mental dictionary.

alreadyinuze +0 -0
Comment left by alreadyinuze ignored.

i_love_kate +1 -0
Interestingly, it seems I never put alreadyinuse on ignore. Sorry, self.

tekende +0 -0
Hey, I lamed this without thinking. Would you mind posting again so I can put you on ignore? Thanks.

kamet +0 -0
It's always a curse.. do you ignore?? Or do you lame. There can be only one. Choose wisely, kids.

woodenteeth +0 -0
God damnit I did the same thing. I think we've offered a valuable service though. One thing I did learn in Psych (and writing, funnily enough) that if someone really had no concern for the opinions of a particular group, they wouldn't need to express themselves to that group and they'd dissappear. I guess this extra spam is just some seriously twisted compliment.

featurelessvoid +0 -0
You can ignore an assetbarrier whose comment's been lamed to the point of invisibility by temporarily raising your lame limit in the form at the top of the comments so that the comment in question becomes visible once again.

woodenteeth +0 -0
We're more talking about the fact that if you personally have lamed that person you will have no access to Ignore them anymore.

lucid +0 -0
Seems that's changed over time, since ignore user is now an optional extra after laming. Though this was the first post I felt the need to mark as spam, only to find I don't have spam marking privelidges, which makes me wonder why the button is even there.

Oh well.

woodenteeth +0 -0
It's to make you wonder who has the privelidges and how they earnt, only to forever wonder WHY!

pogo +2 -2
One song is too much Waits for me. Hella depressing.

spinynorman +3 -0
Psssh, sometimes you need a fella to remind you that wishing for it only makes you bleed

gyrate +6 -0
Have you been using the lamp?

steerpike66 +1 -0
Is yer' father a COAL-miner, dear; does he stink of the LAMP...?

deus +0 -0
Nah, we can allways find a millionare to shuffle more coal.

octafish +0 -0
Shuffle? SHUFFLE?

You mean shovel, you can't power a locomotive by shuffling coal!

sn0wman +2 -0
I dunno... A man's gotta have powerful hands to shuffle a deck of coal. You just need to figure out a way to harness that power.

deus +0 -0
With a shovel, you shuffle the coal in the air the normal force plus the force from the shovel SHUFFLES the coak in the air, so said coal would be easier to thrust into a furnace.

Didnt they teach you physics?!

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
If ya don't like th' mood or th' weather-
Waits around a bit.

octanedeath +0 -0
When did mtv ever play tom waits? They never try to reach outside their demographic.

area_homosexual +0 -0
MTV liked him on the tricycle wearing a devil costume in the video for "I Don't Wanna Grow Up". They played that one a few times as I remember, back in the day. Fucked if they'd do it now, though.

spinynorman +10 -0
The only things they play now are vapid shows about shrieking, pouting girls with disturbing hides being penetrated by confused beach bums while both complain about the difficulties of their lives. As far as I know, music videos are no longer a part of the equation.

brokebackmark +0 -0
this is true. i "Clap Hands" at your statement. and i've sent you a "Jockey Full of Bourbon" in the mail.

oh, you see what i did there?

biff +0 -0
It was just an invitation to the blues. I hope I don't fall in love with you. You should hang down your head.

harrisonbender +14 -0
a good man is hard to find, and you are a good man!with talents like that, you'd be big in japan, johnsburg, illinois, kentucky avenue, virginia avenue, union square, heart attack and vine, and 9th and hennepin! those places are filled with warm beer and cold women. you'd probably be better without a wife. she would just be a black market baby, and the cause nothing but bad livers and broken hearts. these gun street jersey girls will have names like lucinda, martha, muriel, rosie, georgia lee, and alice. over time, they'll run you 'til the money runs out. let the only woman in your life be your mother, and have her picture in a frame. resist temptation, and soon you will reach the top of the hill!

I'm glad we all get that feel all the time for tom waits! Alright, I'm going to walk away on the low side of the road, because I have to get to the heart of Saturday night by 2:19. It's just a house where nobody lives, but I wish I was in new orleans right now. I'll take new york if I have to.

You're probably wondering how it's going to end (that is, this post). Well I assure you, it's over, and if I'm still here, Danny says you can throw cold water on me.

It's over
I'm still here?

thebaddoctor +3 -0
Good show, harrisonbender.

Come on up to the house, son. You deserve it.

autrepoupee +0 -0
See, but the thing about MTV that most people seem not to realize is, they hate their participants as much as you do. That's why they all get edited to look even MORE like assorted dicks.

The network is totally cynical, they're laughing at the cast of The Real World the same way we do. Do you think they're airing NEXT because they think it's a bunch of cool dudes and fire chicks that the teens are going to look up to? Nah, they do it because it's dumb young people they can convince to do anything, and say anything. Meanwhile, everyone is laughing at them. The casting directors, the audience, the variety of big-wigs involved with production. They all are in on the joke.

I love MTV, I love their whole deal. Music videos be damned, give me more timebombs crying about a lack of proper workout equipment in the Real World house.

spinynorman +2 -0
Whoa, I would totally watch a show with fire chicks in it

loneal +0 -0
The network is in on the joke, but half their viewers are not. All the girls at my old dance studio aspired to be on that Sweet Sixteen show (that may be VH1, but same deal). They looked up to those girls, entirely genuinely.

sje46 +0 -0
These girls must be beat visciousoy. And yeah, it's on MTV.

I hate these Flavor of Love/ I love New York/ Charm School/ I love Money abominations.

thegoblins +4 -0
ViciouSoy! For really MEAN vegans.

sje46 +0 -0
They'll mow down an entire field of cows with gunfire; they just won't eat any of them.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh no, vegans. Not the livestock!

thegoblins +0 -0
The same company also sells AhimSoy.

I think I've just sealed my fate: taken out and shot at dawn.

lawbot +0 -0
I know vegans like this.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Welcome back.

gyrate +0 -0
Kung ToFu!

coldfrog +0 -0
I'm sure she meant vichyssoise.

sje46 +0 -0
I'm a dude. Hold on, let me change my avatar from this default one.

pogo +0 -0
You're right. No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public, as I believe Mark Twain once said. Those who post here seem to forget what sheep the masses will always be.

pinesol +0 -0
But will the masses always be? Is the culture of the mass defined by mass media? How much longer can mass media hold out?

aperson +2 -0
Quit your fancy commotion.

pogo +1 -0
While I suspect your questions might be rhetorical, I do have opinions on mass communications and the masses, based both on theory and practice, that I don't really want to get into here and now. Suffice it to say, yes, there will always be a variation in intelligence and education, so there will always be a mass audience of lower taste. But no, the media are more a reflection of their audience than a shaper of them. And finally, the mass media are more massive than ever, despite the seeming fragmentation.

achilleselbow +1 -0
Well, any given culture in a technologically advanced country is defined by its media. The problem is that "mass media" is not monolithic, and there is no one given "mass culture". Adorno turned out to be wrong when he claimed that capitalist society needs to enforce conformity to a dull standard. Instead, it has proven adept at maintaining its dominance through both creating and catering to images of diversity and individuality. As Heath and Potter argue in The Rebel Sell , capitalism benefits from encouraging these things because they lead people to compete for them through consumption. Thus you have the Che Guevara t-shirt, Hot Topic, etc.

You hear a lot about the possibility of the Internet toppling mass media, but I'm not so sure. The big media companies just haven't caught on to its full potential, but when they do, they can just pump out the same dreck via Internet and still get enough people to watch it. The only difference will be that those who don't will have more choices of other stuff, which I guess is better.

margargaret +0 -0
Are you just cutting and pasting for college papers? Uh...hold on a sec I gotta plug in my hard drive.

Okay here:
"In America, controlling information is a much more complicated process. Television and other media subtly influence the public by suggesting which products to buy, and where to eat. Choices are limited to those products (such as movies and televison shows) which support the agendas of the people in control of them. The public is addressed indirectly rather than directly. Information about how to live one%u2019s life is passed on to people through television shows. Americans then come to see the television shows as a reflection of their life, rather than as the source of that mode of living. The companies producing these television shows (and by extension the part of the government over which they have influence and are influenced by) don%u2019t always come up with ways in which to convey their messages, but rather choose those programs which come to them to be developed which support their interests."

Oh hi there Mr. Chomsky. Forgot all about you.

lawbot +0 -0
There should be a Chomsky waltz. Its lyrics would be "Chomsky" repeated repeatedly.

kittydragon +0 -0
I don't care. I want you, now.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Who, Lawbot? Pogo? Both?

kittydragon +0 -0
At the same time.

pinesol +0 -0
I can't really agree or disagree because I haven't read much on this. Pogo is making some more general statements so I can (and I do) generally disagree with those. Sure there will always be a mass audience of lower taste, but this does not automatically mean that there will or will not always be a one-to-many broadcast medium to which this mass audience massively subscribes.

The Internet it's self can easily be and is becoming the next mass media television-style content distribution system. The Internet can also support other distribution/interaction systems...

The Internet isn't much more advanced than the first telegraph in that it lets you remotely exchange basically still the same type of information. There is a lot of information that doesn't send over a wire very well. Meeting someone face-to-face is a whole different experience from metting via telegraph, e-mail, or Internet. The mechanics of a telegraph, or of meeting face-to-face are, however, the same. Information is being exchanged. Will the Internet stop at co-opting telegraph-style information exchange? Or will it go for more and more? What happens when formerly manual-only information exchange mechanisms become networked and automated? What is information? Is it some intangible ether that can never be captured in a bottle and sent over great distances except in it's simplest telegraph form? Or are there still secrets it is waiting to yield? Will we one day control it more than it controls us?

cromar +0 -0
The two biggest current issues shaping the internet as a mass communication device: Net Neutrality and the DMCA. Big media is very, very scared and trying to tighten their grip on their vanishing marketshare...

pogo +0 -0
Pinesol, see my post to Elbox. You and I agree on the Net's reach, but you seem to underestimate it's social networking power. Far from a telegraph, it can convey sight and sound, and allows virtual worlds to exist.

pogo +1 -0
Achilleselbow, you talk about the the possibility of the Internet toppling mass media, but I maintain that the Net IS mass media, in that everyone connected to it can and often do access the same thing. The Net is the most massive medium of all, subsuming all other media. As for all the Marxists and other critics who assume the capitalists (or anyone) can control the masses through the media, people are not that easy to manipulate unless you work with what they already feel and believe. So advertising draws on our exisiting needs and fears, and merely sells them back to us in new packages. Very clever, really.

thorfinn +0 -0
The quote is "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public", and it was H. L. Mencken who said it, not Mark Twain.

hedonismbot +12 -0
I believe it is a basic idea that if you don't know who said something, you always attribute it to Mark Twain.

-Samuel Clemens

belgand +0 -0
Or Oscar Wilde

i_love_kate +0 -0
Or Groucho Marx.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Or Jesus Christ.

laserblade +0 -0
Or Josef Stalin.

pogo +0 -0
Thanks for the correction. Mencken is another personal hero of verbiage.

nigelchaos +0 -0
you just made me sad.

nigelchaos +0 -0
After Daria went off the air, I lost interest. Both Beavis and Butthead and Daria were cartoons but even THEY played music, damnit.
... get off my lawn, damn kids.

silentdante +0 -0
Beavis and Butthead watched that video in one episode. It was a bit of a surreal moment.

featurelessvoid +8 -0
From the late 1980s through mid 1990s, mtv aired less mainstream music late at night. Back in that era, shows like 'Postmodern MTV,' '120 Minutes,' and 'Alternative Nation' turned me on to music that I wouldn't have discovered otherwise. In other genres, they had 'Yo, MTV Raps!' when hip-hop was still evolving from a niche to a broadly popular style, plus a similar program (I forget the name) late at night for metal. All of these shows seemed to have hosts who were knowledgeable and passionate about their respective musical styles.

MTV: They used to play music.

hedonismbot +0 -0
For the metal stuff, there was the original Headbanger's Ball. It was a holy experience. It was excellent. I'm glad I wasn't the one who stepped in to defend old-school MTV. It had great times back then. Then they moved the videos to MTV2, and it was still good, because most people would watch Road Rules on the original, and the rest could watch eclectic music on MTV2. Hell, there was even an MTVX that was all metal, all the time. But then the dark times came, and music retreated to the strange, dark places, and I had to start either TRYING to find music, or just give up and join corporate America.

tekende +5 -0
Find out which choice he made on the next Hedonismbot: The Series. Tuesdays at nine only on Showtime.

quazifuji +0 -0
Viewer Discretion Advised

theguitarhero +0 -0
Viewer Discretion Recommended.

kamet +0 -0
Viewer Discretion Required.

sn0wman +0 -0
Viewer Aggression Advised.

woodenteeth +1 -0
Viewer's Demise Assured.

thorfinn +3 -0
Viewer Molestation Imminent.

smilebuddha +1 -0
Skewer Icestation Immolation

...?

ashoykh +0 -0
on the plus side, you're probably less likely to watch television now...

smallblackdog +0 -0
In my country Tom Waits is regarded by some as 'The Dog's Bollocks' - I favour the 'Agnostio Mountain Gospel Choir'

thorfinn +0 -0
Is "The Dog's Bollocks" a positive or negative thing to be regarded as?

howl +0 -0
guess

sje46 +0 -0
Negative?

thegoblins +0 -0
Positive, I think.

sje46 +0 -0
I don't understand punk slang all too well.

octafish +0 -0
In my country it is positive, like the duck's guts, also duck's nuts, cat's pajamas, and ant's pants.

quazifuji +0 -0
Cats wear some pretty awesome Pajamas.

margargaret +0 -0
I enjoy the knees of bees. Also, cat's whiskers.

irondave +0 -0
Cat's ass can also be an expression of goodness, oddly enough.

biff +0 -0
Well, dogs bollockses are always getting licked, so that could be a good thing.

Of course, being a big Tom Waits fan, I want it to be a positive thing.

heccibiggs +0 -0
Wow, you are very right.

tommythebrat +0 -0
I assume it is the late at night MTV they had back in the day where they would play all kinds of cool stuff. These were the kinds of videos that would end up on Beavis and Butthead.

maximus +8 -0
The Joker's wife wife was a spent piece of used jet trash who made good Bloody Marys, kept her mouth shut most of the time and had a little Chihuahua named Carlos that had some kind of skin disease and was totally blind?

postblank +1 -0
Some men just want to watch their house burn.

spinynorman +1 -0
All Halloween orange and chiminey red...

ferae_machinae +0 -0
Burning buildings are a remind that natural forces are greater than the constructs of mere mortals.

contrasoma +19 -0

lawbot +0 -0
YES

maximus +0 -0
awwww lawbot, you're partying like its 2007!

hedonismbot +0 -0
Lawbot...

theguitarhero +0 -0
BUM BUM [i]BUMMMMMM[i]

theguitarhero +0 -0
oh that is mega nasty that is dogshit.

achilleselbow +2 -0
Batman's voice, on the other hand, sounds exactly like that of Nathan Explosion .

kamet +0 -0
That is so true. I didn't even need to see the video.

rascaldom +1 -0
I've always thought he's more Assy McGee.

awko +0 -0
I couldn't hear anything but Hank from Me, Myself and Irene

"The name's Batman, fuckface"

shaggy23 +1 -2
im tired of you slick boy

spinynorman +4 -1
Then lame me and move on with your life. Beyond that I don't know what to tell you. Find a strong shoulder to cry on?

aperson +2 -1
A man who is tired of Spiny Norman is tired of life.

sje46 +0 -0
Wow. Check out his chubby/lame ratio. He seems quite popular.

spinynorman +0 -0
I just... I just been around a while

sje46 +0 -0
I . . .I know.
I don't understand the ratio though. I'm half and half.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Spiny's been around the block more times than the school bus.

clembot +0 -0
I like your icon, it was named after an even weirder move.

irondave +0 -1
Irrelevant! Your Chubby:Lame RATIO of greater than 20:1 betokens enormous popularity regardless of your longevity. If you don't believe me, I will turn my avatar back into the Venn diagram. For greater numerical credibility.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
..and justice !!

maximus +1 -0
SpinyNorman is the Beefeater's Codpiece, man! The Faux-Brit Shiznit! The Queen of Kings! The Limey Bukowski (or Lebowski, or Lewinsky)! The Sultan of Twat!

shaggy23 +0 -0
A comment left by shaggy23 was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by invidious, waldo913, aperson)

kamet +1 -0
There's this little button next to the "Chubby Lame Mark as Spam" section, called *Ignore User*. I advise you to use it, and quit bitching.

spinynorman +0 -0
man, how is talking about tom waits masturbatory

I mean I may be full of shit but tom waits is pretty awesome

loneal +0 -1
Spiny, you ain't got to defend yourself from that fool. It is probably just AIU. Thar he trolls.

i_love_kate +0 -0
No, someone's laming a lot of the counter-shaggy23 posts, which is hardly aiu's style. Just some asshole.

loneal +0 -0
Alright, then, just some asshole! Thar he trolls!

i_love_kate +13 -0
It's right there in bold lettering, underneath your post. Here, I'll demonstrate for you.

achilleselbow +0 -1
The perfect thing to say...ever!

pogo +1 -0
Speaking of masturbatory, someone should comment on your stroke, blondie.

cdumas +0 -0
Hey we're all trying to be tactful about her stroke, especially the part where half her face is pancake batter. And I mean pancake batter, not something from your chubby.

hedonismbot +0 -0
My boy batter also makes for an excellent pan-cooked breakfast.

cromar +0 -0
High in protein!

maximus +1 -0
Lame if you must this old grey head, But spare this witty fag!

susurrus +1 -0
Is your avatar Sarah Michelle Gellar giving an air hand job?

rascaldom +0 -0
I'm assuming Nice Pete will then go on to discuss much more serious dog-shooting scenarios (Old Yeller, etc.) but I could also see him in an environment where dog-shooting takes place simply as a matter of entertainment/convenience. In between the fun of Not Growing Pubics%u2122.

rascaldom +0 -0
due to assetbar complications, you will not be able to see the "trademark" symbol after "Not Growing Pubics". Shit.

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately +0 -0
A comment left by dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Deusoma, Gyrate, Khabuem, Theoban, prius_chaser, techiebabe, Nictusempra)

theguitarhero +0 -0
ummm...

sje46 +0 -0
This was the one that got me hooked to Dr. Manflesh. A classic.

farqussus +0 -0
I'm just in it for laughs.

achilleselbow +1 -0
A fanfic, would read again.

achilleselbow +0 -0
God dammit, that has to be like the 10th time I've forgotten that this particular ebay joke doesn't work on assetbar. Though I guess the comment is technically correct without the intended plus signs.

phoenixultima +1 -0
Kind of reminds me of "Full Life Consequences". If you don't know what that is, search for it on youtube and enjoy.

catgrl131 +0 -0
eggo wafflys... HEHEHEHHHEHE SNORT SNART

pogo +0 -0
NOES YOU CANT HAVE MONIE, hahahahaha

theguitarhero +0 -0
This is more like a Dr. Manflesh/Gladi8 collab right here.

featurelessvoid +0 -0
You know, we've never seen the two together in the same place at the same time.

laserblade +2 -0
Doctor? Doctor? Give me the news. See, I've got a bad case. Of loving you .

middlehead +4 -0
I hear that line coming out of the Vladimir Putin avatar and the whole becomes so much more than the sum of its parts.

invidious +0 -0
In two days he'll be singing it over a loudspeaker in Tblisi.

sje46 +0 -0
Today, Tbilisi.
Tomorrow, the world!!!
The USSR is coming back! And they like Robert Palmer!

lawbot +1 -0
YES

margargaret +0 -0
Oh hehe. It's lawbot time!

falseprophet +0 -0
A truly proud black man stares racism straight in the face and says "Yo man. Yo."

I have been educated on this day.

thegoblins +0 -0
Hey! You are a black man!

See, I can be racist too.

falseprophet +1 -0
Congratulations. Your membership to the Council of Foreign Relations is in the mail.

edwell +77 -0

ALT TEXT: Those without three-year Art Trolling diplomas may appreciate the book-on-tape version (Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.) Regrettably, Tom Waits declined to be associated with this project.

achilleselbow +2 -0
I must admit that I actually tried to click on the order form.

sje46 +0 -0
I . . .I love this. You get a chubby. I'd give fifteen if I could.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Have you met Edwell before Mr sje46. Go through the comments and do a search for his name. Most of his stuff is as good as the comic itself.

pogo +0 -0
Methinks ye may be talkin' to a troll, matey.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Haven't we been over this? sje's introduction may have been a little awkward, but he's had more than enough normal and sincere posts to prove he's not a clone.

irondave +0 -0
You need to suspend him now, unless you want IAD climbing up your ass for the next 6 months.

featurelessvoid +0 -0
IAD?

irondave +0 -0
Internal Affairs Division

pogo +0 -0
I dunno, chief, sometimes a person looks too good, y'know? Like that society strangler last year, we had nothing on him, nothing, then a fingerprint on a glass of chardonnay turned up at one of the murder scenes, and it was off to the races.

stereo +0 -0
daidai planted that fingerprint for a reason.

theguitarhero +0 -0
common speculation places daidai at the time and place of the murder, yet he has an alibi.

kamet +0 -0
Daidai, in the hallway... with the lead pipe.

hedonismbot +0 -0
My dear, that's NOT my lead pipe. But he was swinging it around the young lady's hallway

octafish +0 -0
I don't think so pogo, 131 posts without outright attacking catgrl or achilles or spamming oversized gifs is just beyond the negligible impulse control of our least favorite inter-ned pest.

pogo +0 -0
I know, it's just a hunch, and would be an amazing performance of our troll, adopting a seemingly normal persona in order to get some sort of delight out of acutally corresponding with us, perhaps to find our weak points. Okay, now I'm sounding crazy, man, this police work is hard on a guy.

margargaret +0 -0
Uh...isn't that how he originally introduced himself?

i_love_kate +0 -0
I was going to say. When alreadyinuse first showed his face, he just seemed to be your average Joe with overblown, asinine opinions. If that was an act, this sje character wouldn't be a hard stretch of the imagination.

sje46 +1 -0
Guys, I'm not a troll! I promise. If you look back at my comments, you won't find anything too offensive, except a mediocre sense of humor and too many comments relating somehow to those lovable scamps from Liverpool. And I promise that I'll try not to post anything insensitive on purpose.

pogo +0 -0
All right, sje46, I'm off your case. Have a chubb.

pogo +0 -0
Whoops, I'm all out.

hedonismbot +1 -0
I will share my opinions because I assume you always want to hear them. I'm almost certain sje isn't a troll. He's just slowly learning how to adapt his posting style to the board. He ruffled a few feathers for a bit, but he's smoothing it up.

I don't think AIU was always intending to be a troll. I'm betting strong that he was just trying to talk about Achewood and whatever other crap we discuss here, and his personal crazy made us shun him. As a result, he decided to troll the boards to salve his wounded feelings.

pogo +0 -0
I agree.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I have said this same thing on many an occasion.

sje46 +0 -0
Thanks for defending me achilleselbow and hedomismbot.

achilleselbow +1 -0
Yea, I don't know if this is true for everyone, but it's hard to fit in with the general tone of the board when you first start posting. I mean my initial forays on here were a fucking disaster, to the extent that I never check my inbox for fear that someone has responded to my douchebaggery from those days of yore (please don't go looking for them now). But eventually we get the hang of it on account of being functioning people who can adapt to different social situations. Most of us, that is.

foetus_punch +0 -0
Achilleselbow, I did think you were a douche. Of course, you started before me, but I still thought all your early posts were obnoxious. Since then, you have been consistently funny and good, and you changed your avatar to an image of an Internet cartoon I do enjoy. Please, accept this v-chubb and use it in happiness and good health.

aperson +0 -0
I wish you could internet search based on an image, because I don't know that cartoon.

drskradley +0 -0
It is from the Professor Brothers series by Brad Neely. Have fun.

sje46 +0 -0
GO TO "WIZARD PEOPLE, DEAR READERS" ON YOUTUBE.
It is by Brad Neely and it is awesome.
Creased Comics are okay.

yingkaixing +0 -0
Man, exactly . I still feel like I'm in my douchebag phase and it stops me from making comments most of the time.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I feel the same. I'm worried I'm gonna say something so terrible that everyone who ever made an account lames me and I can never post again.

woodenteeth +0 -0
I recommend highly worrying less and posting more. You are both reasonable people. Although discretion is advised, there is no other way to learn.

loneal +0 -0
See, I did this the wrong way. I started out only making very nice comments, and then got douchier and douchier. Now I am such a douche that people create new accounts just to follow me around and lame every comment I make.

i_love_kate +0 -0
I honestly don't know if I post any differently now than I did when I joined. Apart from the unavoidable differences due to my prior ignorance of Achewood themes and Assetbarista characters, of course.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm reading through the archives again (the first time I didn't have my account set up from the start) and I've read through some comments of mine that got more chups than they probably deserve.

pogo +0 -0
Fuckin' douche!!!!

pogo +0 -0
I'm seeing this post and the two after all in a bunch, although they were responses to different posts. Oh well, we're all crushed against the right wall on this thread. Not sure why I care.

pogo +1 -0
yingkaixing and others who feel inhibited to post, just do it! Forget about the chub/lame ratio, just express yourself and eventually you'll find great reward in one way or another and find your voice.

pogo +0 -0
I don't know, Bow, I reviewed your earliest posts jsut now and they were very well received. For example:

achilleselbow » neu 5 months ago
I am so sorry. I will probably get lamed for this, but I just got home and was piss drunk reading this, and my cat walked on the keyboard, making the page scroll down to a random comment, and I remembered that Ray is a cat, and suddenly, somehow, life just made SENSE.
reply :: Comment rated 17 Chubbies and 0 Lames

deusoma +0 -0
It's hard to imagine a time before AIU turned to the dark side, really.

tekende +0 -0
I humbly offer a V chub in place of the chubby I cannot supply. Well done, edwell. Well done.

pogo +0 -0
The "submit" art takes the cake.

kickstart +0 -0
all Submit buttons should have BDSM silhouettes next to them, for clarification.

drskradley +0 -0
The effort. The fucking effort , I tell you.

LYK 50 MILION CHUBBIESSS!!!!!!!!!

dr_manflesh_desires_anal_play_immediately +0 -1
DID ANYONE ACTUALLY CLICK ON THE LINK AND READ THE VOYAGER FANFIC

i_love_kate +0 -0
Maybe later.

tekende +0 -0
I started to, but...12 parts? I just couldn't bring myself to put that much effort into reading something like that. I'm sorry to have disappointed you, doctor.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I'm afraid I just wouldn't appreciate it, having never watched Voyager.

drskradley +0 -0
WHY FIND OUT

woodenteeth +0 -0
I'm afraid I rely on yourself to provide me with all the gems I really need.

fineoakstructure +1 -0
I would but I'm not allowed to get boners at work.

atticusonline +0 -0
I can't help but wonder how many chubbies you got the first time you posted this.

kenny +0 -0
Nice Pete is the appropriate author for a Pamphlet, or companion-reader as well.

laserblade +6 -1
So...wait, does the cat own a dog?

i_love_kate +26 -0
Forget owning a dog, it's using a fucking typewriter.

tommythebrat +0 -0
And has slicked back hair despite already ahving fur! Wait am minute...I think it's talking too! What is going on here? I demand answers!

foetus_punch +0 -1
Guys, guys...you are clearly ignoring the fucking HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE. I think we can all agree that this cat is but a man with ruined ears and an odd mouth.

foetus_punch +0 -0
And paws.

thegoblins +0 -0
Explain the paws, sirrah!

foetus_punch +0 -0
I...I admit.

I cannot.

usversusthem +0 -0
Or the nose. The nose is fucked up but good.

tommythebrat +0 -0
I came for answers, but only got more questions...

biff +10 -0
At least you came.

onepapertiger +0 -0
poetic.

cdumas +0 -0
At least he came poetically. 'In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree ALL OVER YOUR FACE! OHH, YES, I'M DECREEING!'

drskradley +0 -0
I'm sure I heard that the world record for the most of amount of poetic decree drunk in one sitting is 9 pints.

9 PINTS !

I have no proof of this, nor shall I search for it more than looking at the World Sex Records website. I'm not getting something like "drinking semen world record" stuck in my Google drop down history. Other people use this computer.

hedonismbot +1 -0
2.3 cups. It took 38 guys to produce, and there was a mild amount of waste. The producers of the act didn't think to use a proper funnel. Interestingly, the entire attempt on the record was funded by and recorded for a bleach commercial in Japan.

cdumas +0 -0
What _did_ they think was a suitable funnel for poetic decree?

onepapertiger +0 -0
Man this is a slippery slope we are speaking on.

quazifuji +0 -0
Can you type footnotes with a typewriter? I mean, it's not something I would know, but it seems like it would be difficult. It's enough of a pain on a computer.

Maybe Nice Pete's just such a master of typewritery that he makes it look easy.

sje46 +1 -0
The world's most famous mouse owns a dog.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Yes, yes, and he's also friends with a dog of a more evolved variety.

sje46 +0 -1
I swear, that is the biggest mystery of the 2oth century. Not "Duh, Wherez da teh simpsons live?" "No! WE have more important things to worry about!! Is Pluto a mentally challenged dog Mickey keeps as a pet? THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE."

achilleselbow +0 -0
Haven't you ever had a retard pet? They have a lot of personality, shed very little, and can even be claimed as dependents for tax purposes.

sje46 +0 -0
Well, just my brother Obbie.
He was a special boy.
[yes, I'm aware Phillippe is five].

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
i like how they both have repeating letters.

sje46 +0 -0
I like your avatar.

And the reason I chose Obbie is because my real brother's name is Bobby.

theguitarhero +0 -0
If that's a Dane Cook reference you are AIU.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
AIU IS SOL.

octafish +1 -0
This is getting ridiculous, it reminds me of the Macarthy witchhunts or something.

I saw Goodie Proctor dancing with the Troll!

Ok I gotta a plan. We're gonna draw a little bit of everybody's blood...we're gonna find out who's the thing.

theguitarhero +0 -0
it was a joke octafish.

octafish +0 -0
~~I Love you Sam.~~ Ditto.

kamet +0 -0
God, I wish I had a chubby for you.

achilleselbow +0 -0
How do you know it's a Dane Cook reference unless you're also one of them? BURN HIM!

sje46 +0 -0
My brother's name really is Bobby. But I was maybe influenced by Dane Cook too.

I thought Dane Cook said Robbie, not Bobby.

theguitarhero +0 -0
It's Robby yeah.

i_love_kate +0 -0
They have consorted with the Satan!

sje46 +0 -1

i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh, hee hee hee!

westacular +4 -0
Not anymore.

aperson +0 -0
I hope all those replies were enough to mollify Vladimir Putin, otherwise he's probably gonna invade Assetbar and annexe Spiny Norman or something.

( Spiny Norman - the assetbar commenter they're all talking about. )

hedonismbot +1 -0
Mmmm, I'd like to annex me some of that

laserblade +0 -0
I'd violate his sovereignty any day.

achilleselbow +1 -0
I would like to have anal sex with him.

...What? Too soon?

sje46 +0 -0
it's never too soon for anal.

belgand +0 -0
Just like Jell-o there's always room for anal.

hedonismbot +0 -0
At some point, there is no more room. Just ask theirateturk. A basketball team's worth of fists is a lot of volume

theirateturk +1 -0
Hey

achilleselbow +3 -0
Here are some of their fists.

belgand +1 -0
The accomplished anal virtuoso has a rectal cavity that is practically a pocket dimension in it's ability to support a nearly infinite volume of objects. There is also the serious matter of packing and organization in order to best utilize the available space, much like moving with only a two-seat convertible.

sje46 +0 -0
He's doing science!

theguitarhero +0 -0
I think we should lay of theirateturk. He's been through enough. I don't think HE likes bumfisting and I mean, he was dumb enough to air his shit on the Internet but still.

kickstart +0 -0
I realize you meant bum in the Commonwealth sense, but I worry you may have just given street filmmakers their next idea

pogo +0 -0
"Lay of" or "lay off"? Nevermind the typo, we can't drop this joke, it is part of our culture. It probably never happened, but it's such a good ex-girlfriend trope, we can't let it go. However, if you want to offer up one of your old lays ...

theguitarhero +0 -0
Well I never actually got the chance to sleep with her, but my most latest ex swore she loved me and then got drunk and fucked some guy when I dumped her.

And I think she's going out with him now...

achilleselbow +0 -0
Wait, you dumped her first and then she did that? I don't see how this is a sad ex-girlfriend story.

tekende +0 -0
She got herpes from the guy she fucked. It was pretty sad.

achilleselbow +1 -0
Some even got on the mayor?

tekende +0 -0
The media tried to keep it quiet because it was an election year but yeah pretty much.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Well I dumped her and she made me feel like shit for dumping her and said how she'd "always love me" and then she did that right before I was gonna reverse my decision so yeah...

woodenteeth +0 -0
Without diminishing your pain. You dodged a bullet. The girl was just a variety of messed ups.

theguitarhero +0 -0
It doesn't hurt so badly now, there is a lot more to the story but unlike theirateturk I don't feel like airing my shit on the internet, mainly because I've gotten over it.

I'm just now starting college and it was stupid to try and start a relationship so soon after the shitfest that was my highschool love life.

loneal +0 -0
The fact that you even had a high school love life puts you ahead of me and probably quite a few other Assetbarbarians.

achilleselbow +0 -0
True dat.

sje46 +0 -0
ahead of me too

howl +0 -0
In my future, hopefully

hedonismbot +1 -0
I still have several

i_love_kate +0 -0
Do unrequited love lives count?

tekende +0 -0
Not me, haha! I had a girlfriend for quite a while in high school. We made out a lot and got in trouble for missing our curfews because we were making out.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Well I did have one at the very end of high school. Then later we broke up and I still had to go to her prom, as I explained in my story about how to make stick men out of bread rolls and utensils.

irondave +0 -0
And then Norman Rockwell made an illustration of you kissing goodnight on the front porch.

Not that I am bitter, no sir.

belgand +0 -0
I dated a high school girl while I was in college. This was the most actual of awesome things to do. Even better was living about a block away from the school and being allowed to leave school briefly during finals week between tests. Having the most dirty of things with a girl of school while school is in session? That is close to the peak of achievements.

We knew each other while we were both in high school together, only a year or two apart. This makes it awesome, not creepy. Trawling for high school girls can be made creepy unless you are Matthew McConaughey. It also helps if it is, for whatever reason, the 1970s.

theirateturk +0 -0
lols

kamet +0 -0
I love that beer is an integral part of country decorum and tradition. It's so true.

i_love_kate +0 -0
I am not well-versed in the traditions and culture of the American south(?). Could anyone enlighten me as to what the phrase "Saturday Men" could refer to? At the moment, it's putting me in mind of some kind of twisted evil sabbath day where Satanistic priests execute domestic animals.

kamet +0 -0
I'm not sure there is a definition.. I took it to be a group of rednecks with nothing better to do on a Saturday than to drink to, taunt, then shoot a dog.

foetus_punch +3 -0
It means bored men who might shoot a dog.

That is, if they lack wiser diversions, such as lynchin' or NASCAR.

lexsenthur +0 -0
So NASCAR was invented to save dogs from bored redneck's Saturday afternoon lack of creativity?

It all makes sense!

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
[url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nascar]This should explain it.[/url}

fuzzyshoo +1 -0
I HATE BBCODE.

Maybe a second chance?

irondave +1 -0
The explanation would be so much better if the most prominent NASCAR races were not on Sundays.

yingkaixing +1 -0
They are thus unoccupied by NASCAR on Saturdays. Other diversions Must Be Found.

anomalous3 +0 -0
is your avatar.....from PBF?

yingkaixing +0 -0
Yeah man. Classic strip.

sje46 +1 -0
Proceed.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I think the angel's f-f-fucking was what got me into PBF.

sje46 +0 -0
That guy has to update a lot more than once every five months. I love that comic. (there's a new one, by the way). One of my top three, besides xkcd and Achewood.

PErsonally, I think yingkaixing should have more comments saying simply "Proceed." Especially when people are talking about sex.

theguitarhero +0 -0
My top three faves that update frequently are Achewood, dinosaur comics, and a softer world.

My top three in general are Achewood, PBF, and dinosaur comics.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
Achewood, White Ninja and Dinosaur Comics

foetus_punch +0 -0
Questionable Content, Married to the Sea, and more Questionable Content. What can I say, I am a fourteen year old girl that loves "indie" music. Hey everyone! Look at how obscure my music is! Looka at how wacky these scenarios are! Look at how witty my dialogue is! Look at all these pop culture references! Look at how different I am, damn you!

Today is Sarcasm Tuesday.

sje46 +0 -0
But it says you're sixteen.

Also, is Dinosaur Comics really that good? I'm not sure if I can get into a comic with the same panels for each strip.

achilleselbow +4 -0
Is haiku really that good? I'm not sure if I can get into poetry that uses the same rhyme scheme for each poem.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Very well played. I'm giving you my Rostov chubby for this strip.

loneal +0 -0
Haiku have rhyme schemes?

irondave +0 -0
My haiku do rhyme
Your haiku probably don't
Would you like a lime?

achilleselbow +0 -0
I hate when I mess up sarcastic retorts by getting facts wrong. That should of course be meter.

sje46 +0 -0
There is a haiku?
My eyes fail and decieve me
Please point me to it.

thorfinn +0 -1
None of the haiku listed so far technically fit the haiku meter, as true haiku have 17 morae, which are different than syllables. What would be considered a single syllable in the english language is often comprised of as many as 3 morae, so true haiku do not usually contain 17 syllables.

sje46 +0 -0
You intrigue me.
What is a morae? Say that there is a word that sounds just like "fire" in Japanese. Is that 1 or 2 morae?

pinesol +4 -0
when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

achilleselbow +7 -0

... that's a moray!

sje46 +0 -0
Oh man, I did not get that. I was like "Why is he singing that sound?" Unfortunately my two years of Latin messed me up. It's pronounced morah/mor-eye(for the plural)

kamet +0 -0
I am v-chubbing you so hard.

octafish +0 -0
Deadly Poison!

thorfinn +1 -0
Wikipedia does a halfway decent job of describing morae, so I will direct you there.
mora

irondave +1 -0
Haiku have morae
I don't speak Japanese
This will have to do

pogo +0 -0
Be a dick about morae, why don't you?

woodenteeth +0 -0
Well played sir.

theguitarhero +0 -0
For the record, how good it is depends on reader interpretation. I mean, not every strip is gold but I think that's true for MOST webcomics.

Not every strip makes me laugh out loud but it's funny enough to make me want to RSS feed it.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Achewood, Scary-Go-Round and Dr. McNinja.

anomalous3 +0 -0
scary-go-round has produced more than a few guffaws.

stereo +0 -0
Scary-go-Round springs
Unexpected from the breast
Of the internet.

i_love_kate +1 -0
An idea strikes.
The comments for the next strip
Should all be haiku.

falseprophet +0 -0
I will totally
Participate in this cool
concept, I_love_kate.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Or another idea springs to mind,
Of posts of the limerick kind!
For rhyming and wit
There's no better fit,
Especially when with euphemism combined!

i_love_kate +0 -0
(Okay, I forced that last line.)

irondave +0 -0
Such an idea
Raises the awesomeness here
Kate will be so proud

belgand +0 -0
I would suspect that Saturdays are devoted to tailgating NASCAR in preparation for the race the following day.

While I do not care for sports of any type I strongly suspect that country folk can truly appreciate a good tailgating and easily stretch it out to fill an entire week-end.

irondave +0 -0
I think it's a Nice Peteism meaning, roughly, layabouts. It's not an authentic Southern expression as far as I know.

tsox +0 -0
A comment left by tsox was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by snoozebar, prettyrad, foetus_punch)

miseryandthesun +2 -0
Your avatar seems to be... drawn in comic sans.

Back to hell with you.

edwell +0 -0
No one said it could be done...

miseryandthesun +0 -0
Your avatar seems to be.. drawn in comic sans.

Back to hell with you.

kamet +1 -0
Doubly damned, now that's conviction.

miseryandthesun +13 -0
If you'd kindly direct your attention to what appears to be a duplicate of my first comment, you will notice that I opted to use 66.6% of the common ellipsis.

I did this because I thought my first comment did not go through and felt that the full ellipsis failed to convey the comic timing of a comment that will be read by a maximum of eleven people.

Don't ever stop pursuing knowledge. Facts are not always this sad.

mrchee +0 -0
Nice Pete knows about shooting things, I am led to believe

mrchee +0 -2
what gutless bootlicker gave this strip a 5?

thegoblins +5 -0
You, sir, clearly need more cute things in your life.

I was going to post a puppy, but that would be rather tasteless given the content of the strip.

foetus_punch +2 -0
Also, I would have had to shoot my computer.

thegoblins +2 -0
Are you on a mission to shoot all dogs?

Do you hate music?

foetus_punch +3 -0
Yes to both questions. I also wish that I could stop the love.

onepapertiger +0 -0
Pretty much every comment thus far has been worth reading. This must be some golden hour of Assetbar. Or I just finished some red wine...

pogo +0 -0
It's the wine.

anomalous3 +0 -0
agreed. I was reading this last night raptly for almost an hour. While this may be normal for some of you, I assure you that I do not indulge in assetbar regularly.

ethelthefrog +1 -0
Well, la-di-freakin-dah. Aren't you special.

foetus_punch +0 -0
He is.

anomalous3 +0 -0
it is difficult to be insulted by someone named ethel, even if that is not their real name

hamscout +0 -0
I was reading this strip and finishing a book last night,
because my fucking TV just died.
Seriously, what do people DO without TV/Video Games??

Dimby22@AOL says the TV could be out all week!!

tekende +0 -0
Did...did you just reference Family Guy? And screw it up?

I mean, props for having the balls to do it in the first place, but it's "dome22" not "dimby22."

tekende +0 -0
Er, "dome22" as in "do_me22."

hamscout +0 -0
But Tekende, who is the bigger nerd NOW ??

Sorry 'bout the misstep--I was doing that one off the cuff, from memory, still woozy from my last antibiotic pill...

achilleselbow +1 -0
i iz in ur assetbar

sje46 +0 -0
But where . . .where is the caption?

But goddang that is one cute cat!

thegoblins +0 -0
See, I just wanted the cuteness to speak for itself. Lolcats have lost their charm for me.

sje46 +0 -0
I must tell you that cat is so cute it makes me want to kick my cat for being so ugly and fat.

But no, that would be "inhumane"

I guess I'll just shoot her to put her out of her misery.

(that's right, euthanasia is okay for ugly animals)

[second note: don't lame me! I like my kitty kat, and she is quite cute]

achilleselbow +1 -0
It always baffles me how fat other people's cats are. I mean I know Persian cats are supposed to be fat, but other than that, is there such a big difference between breeds, or do most people just grossly overfeed their cats? My kitten is almost fully grown and she can still be scooped up quite easily with one arm. But then when I'm at someone's house, their cats look monstrous to me. Not only are they fat, but even their heads and paws are like twice as big. They have the overall size and mass of a small pig. It baffles me even further when I point out this fact to them and they maintain, despite all evidence to the contrary, that their cat is not fat. Is this a normal thing for people to have huge cats as such?

sje46 +0 -0
I have a big cat. And I don't know. I think we overfeed her, but I think that she is still larger anyway. I guess it's for the same reason some humans are taller than other humans.

heccibiggs +1 -0
My cat is fucking hench . I'd fully agree with you were you to come to my house. We don't overfeed him at all (we don't like him enough to overfeed him), he's just swollen with evil. Biggest face you will ever see on an animal, proportionally.

postblank +0 -0
Your cat must not be very efficient to retain evil as excess weight. I had a cat that was also evil incarnate but she was a very petite thing.

thegoblins +0 -0
Perhaps someone paid her cat to be evil and to keep it on, as weight.

hamscout +2 -0
ahem...
Notice the tiny evil cat was a she ...

[typing]
On The Relativity Of Evil And Size In Cats
The masculine feline is capable of maintaining a substantial quantity of evil relative to it's body size. The evil is easily identified by the prodigious mass of flesh and muscle that is raised by the cat's immune system, believed to be Nature's preparation for a massive discharge of nefarious intent such as the "Double-leg-twisting crotch attack"(1).
The feminine feline, on the contrary, is supremely adapted at storing evil in small packages. Due to a genetic aberration, the feminine cat is capable of absorbing the evil from situations (or indeed, from the atmosphere itself) and compacting it down for storage, allowing the beast to retain it's petite form. While this marvel of genetic chance and personal development is impressive, it pales in comparison to the release mechanism at the feline's control. This ingenious gland allows the cat to release significantly concentrated doses of fury in a range of quantities so broad, they range from full-on face attacks to the more subtle "vomiting in occasionally-used shoes" and the infamous "walking through a puddle of one's own urine to track kitty piss paw prints across your newly-cleaned and waxed floor".
[/typing]

(1)-Example of "Double-leg-twisting crotch attack".

hbaranov +0 -0
No, he probably just has about 3 houses, all of which feed him.

yingkaixing +0 -0
That was a good episode.

pogo +0 -0
My cat is bigger than yours.

cpnglxynchos +1 -0
a poorly paint-shopped picture of dead puppies DEAD PUPPIES DEAD PUPPIES

(it's funnier if you say it multiple times)

for the greater good, i won't be surprised if this some of this gets cut off*.

*lamed

awko +0 -0
Dead puppies aren't much fun.

d-pad +0 -0
How does rating a strip a 5 make someone a gutless bootlicker? Or are the 2 unrelated?

foetus_punch +0 -0
I'm just having fun switching between giving it a one, a five, and a four. It gives me a sense of petty power. Score goes up...score goes down. I'm just like the Pope!

woodenteeth +0 -0
Pope is not nearly into foetus punching... well, not in a way that occasions death.

foetus_punch +0 -0
The way you phrased the first half of that sentence was great. Also, the Pope has a small room full of miscarried foeti that he sometimes goes into for the punching. He calls them his Bloody Little Moments. I have a similar name for my man-period.

woodenteeth +0 -0
My Bloody Little Moments.

I'm so glad I brought you into the future FP.

So glad.

gyrate +0 -0
Coincidentally, I have an extensive collection of My Bloody Little Moments ceramic figurines.

Extensive.

pogo +0 -0
You are so going straight to Hell.

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
His Joe Strummer avatar would approve.

foetus_punch +0 -0
My avatar does this awesome thing whenever I am being subversive. He looks up from his guitar smashing with this impish little grin on his face, winks at me, and gives me a thumbs up. Yeah, he's basically the bomb.

Also, I am afraid that Paul Simonon is the famed guitar smasher, not Joe. Its even cooler when he does it, because the little gap between his two front teeth makes his smile all the impier.

featurelessvoid +0 -0
And while we're being pedantic, Paul Simonon is the famed bass smasher. And foetus_punch has graduated to punching babies, with dreams of taking on toddlers someday.

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
I learned something!

foetus_punch +0 -0
Damn it featurelessvoid, you know I'm anti-semantic. And of coursem you are correct. Shit-fuck.

Y'know, whenever I watch The Who destry there instruments, I always get a bit annoyed, like they are that drunk guy at the party who is taking everything too far. They were just too...British Invasion to be able to effectively pull off that kind of anger. Only Keith Moon had the destruction act down pat, thanks to his crazed eyes and manic stage mannerisms. So, for my money, we have to wait for the late seventies/early eighties for the kind of disaffected youth who could make instrument smashing into something to rile you up instead of bum you out.

I'm done now.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh my god fp, you are so drunk.

foetus_punch +0 -0
Jesus Christ, I just realized how INCREDIBLY WRONG that timeframe I stated is. I still stand by the rest, though. Basically, I do not like seeing The Who destroy a stage.

woodenteeth +0 -0
If you've seen Mike Patton destroy a stage you've seen very convincing contemporary stage destruction. That guy barely played an instrument.

... OK, maybe his own instrument often.

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
Two words: Sid Vicious.

woodenteeth +1 -0
... and Iggy Pop used to shoot up then roll around in broken glass. Which is more self-destruction, but STILL!

theguitarhero +0 -0
He also betrayed the Sovereign David Bowie and then got megakilled by David Bowie.

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
The guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird!

kamet +0 -0
Bowies in spaaaaace...

sje46 +0 -0
Let's see if this works.

sje46 +0 -0
No, it must be bigger so we can bask in the glory that is BOWIE:

hedonismbot +0 -0
Man, fuck those tights. I hated them when I was young, and I hate them now.

thorfinn +0 -0
Pete Townshend is the famed guitar smasher, anyone who did it later is a copycat poser.

pogo +0 -0
The Who wrecked all their stuff at first, bass and drums and mics included.

stereo +0 -0
Some even got on the mayor!

fuzzyshoo +0 -0
Not the mayor!

falseprophet +0 -0
Same thing goes with lookin at kiddie porn.

octafish +0 -0
No way! Gary Glitter looked at kiddie porn way earlier than Pete Townsend, the copycat poseur.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Man I was looking at kiddie porn before it was cool.

i_love_kate +1 -0
One of my chief worries about owning a dog who on occasion barks incessantly and long into the night is that one day one or several of my neighbours will take it upon themselves to dispatch it. And then, in their sleep-deprived ire, to drag me out into the garden, force to me my knees, and shoot me in my mouth in quite the same fashion. (Like a dog.)

I think being kept awake to think about these things is probably the chief disadvantage of owning such a dog.

ojnabieoot +1 -0
Maybe you shouldn't live next door to sociopaths.

jargonmaster +14 -2
2. If the dog to be shot is owned by a neighbour, great cares must be taken given the fragile nature of the situation. Without just cause for the slaying, any manner of feuds* can arise from the fallout that arises. Offended guests, interruption of a ritual of christian nature, and third degree "cornrow chops" are exemplars of satisfactory excuses.

While executing the beast, great care must be taken so as to not give it any reason to believe that it's existence is in danger. Giving a dog midnight fear is extremely dishonourable in christian societies, and is a convictable offence in a growing number of jurisdictions. To prevent the fear, shots should be fired from a considerable distance, and on one's own property. The author personally recommends an honest Browning hunting rifle.

Great care must be taken the next morning with the handling of the dog's owner. However, if one is mindful of procedure he can make this phase of his ordeal the simplest. One must visit a liquor store immediately after, and purchase the following things:
Half-dozen beer, for self
AT LEAST two flasks of quality whiskey~
One beer should be drunk immediately to prevent creeping panic. The rest of the alcohol should be put in ice.

The next morning, one should rise at sunrise and have another beer and a turkey sandwich. An hour after sunrise, he shoud then go to his neighbour with the chilled liqour and explain his situation to him plainly and as a christian. Anyone who was offended by the dog should be present, and women should show indications of distress. At the end of the apology, the liquor should be extended as a peace offering. If the apology was delivered correctly, the liqour will be accepted and the neighbour will have understood our subject's grievances, and thus he will be "off the hook".

*While the author and publisher has seen all manner of feuds arise from a shameful slaying, it should be noted that the vast majority are Appalachian-style "triple chicken" feuds.
~If your own neighbour favours city liqours over whiskey, they should logically be purchased instead. However, the author expresses his disappointment at your choice to live amongst people with false tastes.

foetus_punch +1 -0
I was reading this, and thinking "Pretty good, but maybe not so chubby worthy. Who would lame this though? It was a good, honest effort and-wait. Let me...Oh good Gilchrist that last line is funny. Good Gilchrist."

Here, have a chubby and this overly long explanation for why I'm giving it to you.

jargonmaster +1 -0
When writing that last joke, I knew that it would serve the same purpose as an overly elaborate centerpiece at Thanksgiving dinner, placed solely to distract guests from the many faded gravy stains on the tablecloth.

i_love_kate +1 -0
Also, an overall rating of less that 4? You've got to get up early to see these kind of beautiful incongruities on Assetbar.

It's like a sunrise, but in no way relevant to anyone.

d-pad +0 -0
So... It's like a sunrise?

i_love_kate +1 -0
Sunrise is relevant if you're a vampire. Or a druid.

d-pad +0 -0
I admit I had not thought of those particular scenarios. Man, I am all kinds of out it today.

usversusthem +0 -0
What about insomniacs who just happen like pretty things? (Hypothetically.)

d-pad +2 -0
As an insomniac, I can tell you that pretty things are the last thing on my mind when the sun starts to rise. My general thoughts are more of apathy and depression than joy of seeing something pretty. I admit I do not speak for all insomniacs however.

ellameno +1 -0
As a fellow insomniac, I'm with you. I sit in a dark room all night in arresting fear of the moment the birds outside start singing and I, as a result, will actually never fall asleep.

loneal +0 -0
You speak for me, at least. Chubby!

lightupafatty +0 -0
It's one thing if you're staying up all night writing a paper or doing some other kind of work - watching the sunrise can be a really nice break from the toil.
But for pure, straight insomnia, I agree, seeing the light outside my window and hearing the birds is the absolute low point of the night, when I realize I have an entire day ahead of me to somehow deal with.

foetus_punch +0 -0
My general thoughts are "Wow, sunrises really just aren't pretty in Vancouver." Because they aren't. Oh look, it's 4 AM.

I really despise hearing the birds (great name for an album, anyone?) because then I know that all hope for restful sleep has passed, and I am going to be twitchy today.

heccibiggs +0 -0
There are a lot of insomniacs on Assetbar.

GO TO BED, GUYS.

usversusthem +1 -0
SERIOUSLY.

(he says, posting at 6 am eastern standard time. i'm less of an insomniac and more of a nocturnal freak, though.)

pinesol +0 -0
yes there are insomniacs on Assetbar. I used to be an insomniac too, but not lately. I started taking a small dose of gamma aminobutyric acid (aka 'gaba') as a treatment for bipolar disorder and it fixed the bipolar disorder, nervous anxiety, depression, and inattention tendencies, and it fixed the insomnia as well. Available at your local health food store, and cheap. Normal adult dosage is 100 to 300mg per day. I hope this helps you weirdos out there.

sje46 +0 -0
I like staying up until 5AM and sleeping till 2PM, personally. But thanks anyway.

octafish +0 -0
Gaba Gaba Hey?

achilleselbow +0 -0
Holy crap I have got to get me some of that. Would they have it at GNC or some such place? Over the counter?

pinesol +0 -0
Yep it is indeed over the counter. www.nowfoods.com makes it, and nowfoods stuff is carried in a lot of places. for a list of local retailers, visit their (currently crashed?) web site. for GABA, you probably have to go to a place that caters to people who are into that whole natural foods craze, like a specific health food store, as opposed to the vitamin aisle of your local supermarket. The kinda place Pat would shop at... this place has it if you wanna just buy it online. One word of caution - the stuff is commonly available in 500mg pills... the recommended dosage is generally not over 300mg a day... So unless you can find smaller pills, then you probably have to divide up a messy white powder to get a useful dosage... speaking of which, I don't suggest snorting the stuff...
you might also want to do some research on possible side effects and such... not everyone is going to benefit from gaba... I am guessing that it is maybe like adderall... if your brain needs adderall, then adderall will help you... if your brain doesn't need adderall, it can fuck you up... maybe gaba is the same way? Just because it is non-prescription doesn't mean that taking the whole bottle won't kill you, or even just one pill... Good luck! :)

pinesol +1 -0
I have to wonder... We have all these drugs to make us happy and functional...

If the drugs work, then some defective like myself might actually stand a good change of having a normal and productive life, get married, and have 2.5 kids.

And if my wife is also taking drugs just to be normal and functional, basically, that means our kids will need even stronger drugs, and their kids will need even stronger drugs still...

I'm going to father a race of super-defectives!

usversusthem +0 -0
Or, you could not have kids! Seriously.

achilleselbow +0 -0
See, I think shit like that is what gives the whole child-free thing a bad name. The reason I wouldn't want a child is very simply because I don't want to have to work a soul-crushing job just so I can have the resources to support a family, and also because I don't want to wake up one day to find myself wearing a Hawaiian shirt to cover my potbelly while I argue with the wife over whose turn it is to change the diapers. But it takes a special kind of nutcase to argue with a straight face that humans need to go extinct because it would be better for the environment, when here I was foolishly thinking that the reason we need to protect the environment is so it can better sustain our existence. The only way these people's position makes any sort of logical sense is if you actually believe that the Earth is some sort of sentient goddess whose existence is more important than ours, which I'm sure they do. Seriously, it's things like this that turn people towards the Republicans.

sje46 +0 -0
I really think that if it was just me and a woman left on earth, I wouldn't try to resurrect humanity. Not for environmental reasons, but because I don't see the point. I think that it's good not to let people die, but what people not being born doesn't seem like that terrible of a thing.

sje46 +0 -0
Ignore that random "what".

achilleselbow +0 -0
I think I would do it then, because it wouldn't hurt to have another person or two to keep watch while you hunt the radioactive pterodactyls and to help you fashion their hides into wearable garments.

pinesol +0 -0
come on that's not serious. I'd say that if people are turned towards being republicans then they're already misguided and if it's not one weird stimulus that turns them, it'll be another.

margargaret +0 -0
Ahem...seen Idiocracy?

kamet +0 -0
I just saw that last night for the first time!! Hilariously frightening.

pinesol +0 -0
no I haven't what is that?

autrepoupee +0 -0
Yeah, I'm fairly certain they're serious. The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, that is. You can find at least one hundred people to believe in whatever silly things you say, if you present it well enough.

Now these guys are totally bullshitting.

Finally, this organization has a much better idea. They don't want to see the human race end, they just want to see our growth slow down from the massive rise it has experienced since...pretty much whenever we figured out how awesome sex is.

sje46 +0 -0
Wait, sex is awesome?
Then I must get me some of that!

tekende +0 -0
Well, they're getting their wish, as population growth is indeed slowing in much of the world, and will probably continue to do so for at leasta few more generations, I'd imagine.

stereo +0 -0
VHEMT makes a lot of sense to me. I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect the majority of people to do it voluntarily, but maybe at least they'll think about it.

Of course, I prefer the killing people method of population control.

aperson +0 -0
Bye then!

i_love_kate +0 -0
Man, as homosexuality becomes more widespread and accepted, our numbers'll start dropping anyhow. Unless this cloning thing gets off the ground anytime soon.

snidedk +0 -0
I don't know man, do you think there are really more homosexuals now than other periods in history, or do they just have more parades about it?

i_love_kate +0 -0
I think that homosexuals of the now feel the need to marry people of the opposite gender and make babies much less than in the past.

aperson +0 -0
And yet HOTN with baby-wanting urges are becoming more likely to use 'measures' to get one (I mean turkey basters, not kidnapping).

And yet both of these factors will have just about bugger all effect on fertility rates.

hedonismbot +0 -0
The pill is cheap, it is easy to use, and it is reliable. People realize they don't need 14 children to till the fields, and the cost of raising a child so that social services doesn't steal them is higher than it's ever been.

achilleselbow +0 -0
It's hard to make a call on the homosexual thing because the idea of homosexuality as a personal identity only came into being within the last century or so. Before that, people didn't identify as heterosexual or homosexual, they just did both chicks and dudes according to the social protocols available.
I can see the benefits to claiming that it is genetic, but when you look at a culture like the ancient Greeks, it was pretty much ubiquitous, at least among the upper classes. So compared to that, there is probably less homosexuality now, but more people, homosexual and otherwise, not having children.

sje46 +0 -0
Accepted? Yes. More widespread? No. It isn't really a fad kind of thing.

loneal +0 -0
Oooh, check out sje's new icon! Boy isn't rolling with default woman anymore!

sje46 +0 -0
Of course. I couldn't STAND that woman. Plus someone called me a "she" because of it, and I can't have that.

cpnglxynchos +1 -0

sje46 +0 -0
hahaha.

Maybe I should make this my new avatar?

sje46 +0 -0
Nevermind. Came out crummy, just like how I thought it would.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
how 'bout this, joining both it and your current avi together...

sje46 +0 -0
Wow. You have skills. How do I get this?

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
save da pitcher, upload it as your new avatar.

the end.

sje46 +0 -0
I now know the Internet!

Thanks.

I have an awesome avatar. Take that, weird default woman.

i_love_kate +0 -0
No, you now have the same avatar. How queer.

sje46 +0 -0
You have to wait, please, Mr. Fry.
It takes a few hours for some stupid reason.
Oh, Assetbar!

sje46 +0 -0
Make that 1 hour

pogo +0 -0
It actually take about a day to replace all your posts with the new avatar. Very cool one, BTW.

laserblade +0 -0
I was there when the overall rating was 5. You know, when Assetbar was cool.

nyu +2 -0
Ok, but what about butchering the meat. I seek the definitive guide.

lonestar52 +0 -0
I can honestly say I've never worried about decorum in such situations.

foetus_punch +1 -0
Then you, sir, are a fool and no true gentleman.

the_dude +0 -0
i was gonna write up a post of other topics that pete could write on that would be both entertaining and humorous but could not think of what else goes on in the south besides beer and shooting dogs, this strip seems to really hit the nail on the head.(into some ones skull)

kilroywashere +3 -0
Moonshining

When the presence of a moonshiner makes itself known in your neighborhood, it is generally considered good custom to meet informally with your neighbors and the moonshiner to "size up the situation". At minimum, it is necessary for neighbors to agree in which direction they will point when the police ask passersby which direction the moonshiner just sped off in, so as to lead them on the wrong trail.

The typical compensation on the part of the moonshiner for this service is one jar per house per month. For this reason, another common custom is to ask the moonshiner how much can be drunk at a single sitting before incurring blindness or "jake leg".

irondave +0 -0
A list:

- Fishing (conventional or noodling)
- Football
- Other sports
- Barbecue
- Motor sports
- Music
- Hunting

kamet +3 -0
Noodling

The proper protocol for discussing noodling in mixed company has long been in contention amongst the well known noodlers of our time; namely Sam "Linguine" Hooper and Jimmy "Limp-Noodle" Able. These gentlemen put forth that discussing the intimacies of the pastime put it's cultural distinction into jeopardy, while insuring the inevitable downfall of the noodle society as a whole. Many a young noodler has bragged of his skills, as taught to him by his father- only to be jeered at for bypassing the popular hook and line. This has led to thinning of the young ranks.

When bringing up the topic with a known noodler, always bring a bottle of strong liquor, and know that at least half the bottle will have to be drunk before he will be willing to discuss his passion with an unknown. This is key. When he does preface the subject, it is very important that you not bring up the new fangled ideas of hooks, lures, and lines, as it will cause him great distress and likely get you ejected from his company. Even worse, would be to mention the idea of a female noodler (despite the famous stories of Bobbie Sue Renton, "Noodle Queen of Kentucky", soon to be made into a big Hollywood movie) This will also get you a boot to the back of your Wranglers. If you are lucky enough to get to a discussion with a known noodler before he is too intoxicated, always maintain your respectful demeanor. If he is to ask for your company at the local crick the next day, be sure to provide the alcohol, as the privilege of watching a talented noodler is rare.

While observing, there are a few general tips to laymen: Do not ask for technical advice or guidelines for your own noodling, you will instantly mark yourself an outsider. You must at least attempt to noodle once, if you do not, you must claim an injury to your "best noodlin finger", and I would recommend breaking your finger in advance for such an occasion. Lastly, never ever bring a woman.

irondave +0 -0
Hey, that is really good, except: https://www.catfishgrabblers.com/

Women may participate.

kamet +0 -0
I just recall a conversation with a guy at my work on the subject.. he expressed great shame in having noodled in front of his soon-to-be wife in the 70's. Funny stuff, that noodling.

hedonismbot +0 -0
All fun and games til you lose and arm or are drowned by a fish. Noodling is dangerous kids, and only gets more so if you try it sober.

irondave +0 -0
It has gotten to the point now where guys do it with Underwater Breathing Apparati of various types. Some of them do it up right, some of them need reminders to widely separate the compressor exhaust from the air intake. ESPN sent reporters to the most recent statewide tournament.

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Oklahoma! Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain . . . .

hedonismbot +0 -0
Don't get sassy. We are like, 20% of Assetbar from what I can tell.

irondave +0 -0
Don't be fooled, she has okie connections too.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Next time she is in town, she should follow the trail of fried chitlins into that big hole with all the tasty okra in the bottom. I promise you will like it Ethel. I promise you will not squeal like a pig.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Do... do your eyes shine behind your perfectly round spectacles? Do... do you own a very very hungry dog?

loneal +0 -0
I prefer not to be called a dog, if it's all the same to you.

woodenteeth +0 -0
You're all the same to him.

hedonismbot +0 -0
The protocol for burning a feminist to death is very different from that of a dog.

tekende +0 -0
Tossing a wad of barbecue at it beforehand is not recommended.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Tossing in Germaine Greer before the burning is recommended.

woodenteeth +0 -0
but seriously that woman is more intelligent than five men strapped together with a Stephen Hawking.

loneal +0 -0
Woodenteeth, I don't have any chubbies left, but, uh...what are you doing this Saturday night?

hedonismbot +0 -0
Same thing you are dear:

Me.

sje46 +1 -1
But he's ten years older than you!

How 'bout me? I'm single. And approximately your age!

kamet +0 -0
*cough*

Your chubby is showing, dude.

sje46 +0 -0
But I was kidding . . .
I'm not good at this internet thing.

hedonismbot +0 -0
See, these internet broads require large amounts of subtlety. You gotta hide it behind entendres. Wordplay is better than foreplay. Even better, mix it up. Go subtle, subtle, subtle, BANG. "Why, Ms, Scarlet with the lead pipe in the bedroom you say? She was polishing mine in the study early in the evening. With her rectum." See, that mixes subtle perviness with abject disgust. Nobody will ever accuse you of crassness due to the first part, or seriousness due to the second.

sje46 +0 -0
*takes notes*
This is good stuff.
What should I do after she puts the restraining order out on me?

Believe it or not, though, I used that Clue line on a girl, and it worked! Granted I have to visit the doctor due to seepage quite often now.

loneal +0 -0
sje, if you are taking notes from hedonismbot, you might as well forget about restraining orders. You're new here, but you should know that I live in his basement, blindfolded. He shaved all my hair off. I think techiebabe is down here too? But I can't see her, on accounta the blindfold.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Feeling around on the gritty floor of Hedo's basement, hoping to find another slater on which to feast. I'll... I will share it with you, if that's what hairless slaves like?

hedonismbot +0 -0
Awww, my basement's not gritty. It's covered in shag baby! Soft and plush and studded with used condoms

kamet +0 -0
The condoms of a million great fucks- Brittle rubbered, with a slight greasy feeling along the carpet where they've touched.. when you step on them, they're slightly hard from dried spoo, but then they crack open, coating the bottom of your foot with a lovely bit of old sticky man-goo.

Don't ask how I know.

sje46 +0 -0
You guys don't think I know this? I'm his apprentice! Who do you think chloroformed you originally?

And at least you guys have internet access.

hedonismbot +0 -0
To clarify Kamet's post, the goo is old and sticky, not the man. The man is youthful and (whatever the opposite of sticky is. Cohesive I guess).

achilleselbow +0 -0
Do you think it is rad to drink your own menstrual blood, Loneal?

loneal +0 -0
...No.

Sigh.

I am a disappointment to Germaine Greer and to the entire feminist cause.

tekende +0 -0
Wow. It's like...I want to see it? And at the same time, I don't.

i_love_kate +0 -0
I'm with you on the second part. The not wanting to see it part. Seeing it, I am less enthusiastic about.

varnish +0 -0
Saturday men also enjoy driving old trucks into the dry pond, after shooting out all the windows.

varnish +2 -0
I was a saturday man last wednesday.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Yes you were, Tom Waits.

Yes. You. Were.

pogo +0 -0
They been talkin' 'bout you, Mister Waits. Mostly good, I guess. You depress the shit out of me, unfortunately.

foetus_punch +8 -0
When the poor little McCaul-Hill boy of Execla farms showed up to the door of Josepiah Gunlinn, bearing presents of beer, the elderly farmer paused in his repeated shooting of his barking dog. Believing the knocking was caused by the vengeful spirit of his deceased dog, the elderly farmer put seven six shells through the door, striking the boy with five among them. He was killed instantly, and the beer it did mingle with the blood on the cold, hard ground. Three nights later, the elderly farmer was savaged by the vengeful spirit of the dog. The fancy 'city-slickers' believed that it was the doing of the Mcaul-Hill patriarch, but we country folk know that no man may commit such savagery upon the intestines of another god-fearing man, no matter how diseased he may be of mind.

Truly, a cautionary tale.

tommythebrat +0 -0
I thought the reason for the gunfire was to shoot after the people taking the damn dog! The poor McCaul-Hill boy got caught in the crossfire with his hasty condolences.

foetus_punch +1 -0
You thought wrong.

aki +1 -0
"You thought, that was your first mistake" ..one of my late grandfather's cautionary phrases

thegoblins +1 -0
The shooting of "Old Yeller" was carried out according to the uncouth citified ways of Hollywood. A hydrophobic yet noble beast should be toasted well into the night and shot at dawn. Its housing should be draped in black and the women of the house should wail out its name.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Everyone all shaving their eyebrows, not letting them grow back for two months or so.

"Damnit, eyebrow, do I have to tell you again? Don't you come out here!"

thegoblins +0 -0
When your eyebrows grow back, you murmur "He never had any eyebrows, mayherestinpeace."

loneal +0 -0
My dogs have eyebrows, but they are just a few extremely long whiskers. When you start thinking of them as eyebrows, it kinda fucks you up a little bit.

miseryandthesun +0 -0
Stan Sitwell is the ideal pet for loneal's sanity.

PS: I really want to coin the word 'Stanity', but I can't even think of a mildly clever way to use it right now. I will pass that task on to you, assetbar. This kind of thing is what you are for.

kamet +0 -0
Curse the inevitable appeal of convertibles.

stereo +3 -0
It'll come to you in an in stan t!

Oh how clever am I...

miseryandthesun +0 -0
Prepare to be bathed in steaming, yellow chubbies.

octafish +4 -1
Atticus did it all wrong? I am shocked and appalled by this omission from ~~Truman Capote's~~ Harper Lee's master work.

d-pad +0 -0
I wouldn't say he did it all wrong. I mean, the dog DID get shot. That's gotta count for something, right?

octafish +0 -0
Yes but in doing so the committed a terrible faux par, he should have invited his neighbors around and bought a six pack, it probably would have saved Tom Robinson's life.

i_love_kate +0 -0
A BLOO BLA BLOOO

octafish +0 -0
I think you mean "A BOO BLA BLOOO"

i_love_kate +4 -0
Don't tell me how I feel!

sje46 +0 -0
Oh, man. I was confused because I thought you were thinking of old yeller . . .but you clearly are not. A dog WAS shot in Mockingbird! Chubby for remembering Freshmen English better than I do.

octafish +0 -0
I think I got lamed for casting nasturtiums on the authorship of ~~Tequila~~ To Kill A Mockingbird , I'd like to point out I am not the only person to do so.

*sigh* yes I know it is "aspersions", it is more fun my way. OK?

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
...and then Zeus laughs, 'cos he's immortal.

nickgranger +0 -0
NP's forehead

nickgranger +0 -0
*chesthair

doc_rostov +2 -0
P = NP?

mortshire +6 -0
NPH?

sje46 +0 -0
Wait, nice pete likes dudes?
And used to be a child actor?

loneal +0 -0
Women are uncolored plastic shoebox birds, therefore it is okay for a man to give another man kisses.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Don't forget about the Smells.

woodenteeth +1 -0
Why can't you let me forget about the Smells?

octafish +0 -0
Well Nice Pete probably wasn't a Doctor per se.

kamet +0 -0
This image makes me incredibly happy.

kickstart +0 -0
Brings new meaning to the term NP Complete.

kickstart +0 -0
it's because he Completed your life....with death.

aki +0 -0
Good lord, I certainly hope not!

miseryandthesun +2 -1
Nice Pete will throw the ball and then you will die.

Nice Pete will throw the ball.

You will die.

gyrate +0 -0
You're thinking of basketball there.

skoora +0 -0
Thanks, Pete, I was wondering what to do during a canine execution. But what about nuisance cats? Are they dispatched without ceremony?

featurelessvoid +1 -0
Oh, there's a ceremony. Pete recites a list of the cat's offenses and writes its name in a tattered journal that he keeps in his breast pocket. He looks deeply into the cat's eyes and says, "Momma will be so proud of me." Then he throws the body in the back of his van before the cops arrive.

skoora +2 -0
No, dude, cats , not cross-eyed immigrants.

foetus_punch +0 -0
Dude...they are all cats.

biff +0 -0
They are dispatched with alacrity and without regret.

tellumo +0 -0
I always wondered what kind of wine went with squirrel.

notcool +0 -0
Merlot. Trust me, as a stew or roasted, the darker meat tastes better with the merlot.

I specifically logged in just to answer this question.

otterpops +0 -0
I would buy this book.

otterpops +5 -0
One other key point of etiquette regarding dog-shooting: If you lend someone your gun in order to dispatch their dog, you should inform them of the type of ammunition with which it is loaded. Surprising someone with hollow-points is not polite.

*BASED ON A TRUE STORY*

chuvak +0 -0
Gross.

woodenteeth +1 -0
In a last ditch attempt to show their Sternness and Respect, American Troops drop a number of Whiskey Soaked Tennis Balls throughout the Afghanistan countryside.

appers +0 -0
Nice Pete has never looked so Nick Cave.

liesandperfidy +0 -0
It's a little worrying that this transformation has precisely coincided with my sudden interest in Nick Cave's music. I wonder if this Signifies.

octafish +1 -0
I concur his forehead is becoming much more prominent, as is Nick's. Unless of course they are wearing prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.

margargaret +0 -0
Everybody wants to wear prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.

And a rock to wind a string around.

octafish +0 -0
I was hoping against hope that someone else would get that, thank you Margargaret.

P.S. Be careful, I hear someone in this town is trying to burn the playhouse down.

margargaret +0 -0
I had to go dig up my old CDs because you got that song stuck in my head.

kamet +0 -0
I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, but I'm a little glowing friend, but actually I'm not actually your friend but I am....

kickstart +0 -0
There's only one thing that I know how to do well
and I've often been told that you only can do what you know how to do well

octafish +0 -0
Flood is one of my favorite albums ever. I seem to remember listening to it a lot during the Gulf War, the first one with the other George Bush. I was young and foolish then, I feel old and foolish now.

kamet +0 -0
Amazing... Foolish, Bush, and War, all together now...

chuvak +0 -0
Achewood and dork rock, together at last.

hamscout +0 -0
Women and men have crossed the ocean, they now begin to pour...
...out from the boat and up the shore.

howl +0 -0
(sorry to be a dick) it's "but really I'm not actually your friend"

bumpishound +0 -0
WALK AROUND FOREHEAD! WALK AROUND FOREHEAD! WALK AROUND ... FOREHEAD!

see warranty for details. not recommended for children over nine.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Philippe is five.

pogo +0 -0
A comment left by pogo was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by TommyTheBrat, bumpishound, equinn2006)

pinesol +0 -0
Here is more dog killing for you, Pogo. The South has a rich tradition of dog killing apparently:
There was a dog that apparently had mange and was absolutely, I guess, emaciated.

aperson +0 -0
Well that is surely an epic case of poor dog-killing etiquette. Boy threw the damn book out the window is what he did.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Every time I hear something like this I have to wonder - are all conservative "family values" types completely depraved evil hypocrites, or just most?

aperson +0 -0
Most good Christians will torture-murder a dog given half a chance, because, as all folks with bible-knowin will tell you - a dog has no soul. Any god fearing man or woman who tells you otherwise is a damned liar who's headed straight to the fiery lake.

Stands to reason.

sje46 +0 -0
Genesis says that man was created to steward the animals. I know this because of the one time I went to church.

achilleselbow +0 -0
We have to make them wear seatbelts and bring them small packets of peanuts?

octafish +0 -0
This is what happens when you go to church with Phil Collins, Peter Gabriel, Steve Hackett, Tony Banks, and Mike Rutherford. They fill your head with lies about smoke detectors in the toilets, disposable ear phones for fruit bats, skymall, and giving fresh socks to porpoises but only if they are flying business class.

kickstart +0 -0
the chamber was in confusion
all the voices shouting loud
I could only just hear her voice quite clear saying
Please help me through the crowd

c'mon guys if we can quote the entirety of Flood surely someone can join me for a verse or two off Lilywhite Lilith

sje46 +0 -0
Apparently. And if they start acting up, we move them to first class.
Actually I lied when I said I've been to church once. I actually heard this on a special on CNN, including the word "steward". I was like, "that man-child on MAd TV?"

stereo +0 -0
No, no, no!

Pretzels .

irondave +0 -0
Oh, come on elbox, you don't wonder about that at all, do you?

achilleselbow +0 -0
Well I think what I actually wonder is whether they are just deceiving everyone else, or if they're constantly lying to themselves as well. I'm not actually sure which is worse.

pinesol +0 -0
on a different tangent, wow, there sure have been a lot of visceral reactions to Achewood characters as of late. Like the other day, people freaking out because of [in my opinion] reading too much into a sentiment expressed by Molly about having kids.

Try not to focus on just the dog killing, or the this or the that, people... (unless of course you like that sort of thing) Try to think of it as a rich and veiled anthropological or sociological exploration of culture... or something...

Achewood isn't your favorite flavor of Viagra, (and neither is Spiney " Boy Butter " Norman) and neither should either one be. Especially not the latter. That mental image. ugh! ack1 thbtt!

pinesol +0 -0
spiny. not spiney. sorry.

pogo +0 -0
My icon has boy butter in her eye.

mystkmanat +0 -0
Not to mention people getting up in arms over Molly's sudden neck appearance. There's been much hatin' on the dame.

possums +0 -0
Yesterday was today.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Tomorrow is the next days yesterday...

i_love_kate +0 -0
I've got to sit down, man. This shit is fucking deep .

gyrate +1 -0
I've got tomorrow on the phone. He wants to speak to today - something about a liver?

Anyway, has anyone seen today? Tell him he's got a phone call. And also tell him I'm not going to stand here all day holding this damn phone like some gumchewing teenaged receptionist. I've got things of my own to do. Places to go. Drinks to invent. Because that's what I do .

Ah hell...he's hung up now.

desert_donkey +1 -0
so yeah. killing the family dog.

i worked on a farm one summer. the dude was fucking crazy. but hilarious. he told me many stories of killing the ranch dog.

he'd get out his hunting rifle (Seiko 30-06) and take the shot from way back. like he was hunting. he and his dad did the same to his uncle's horses which were toothless, emaciated and their hooves were waaaaaay overgrown. they took these shots from way out.

he told me about the time his ex gf's toy 'something' mated his female pitbull. it produced rancid offspring and he did not suffer them a day of life. (close your eyes, this gets bad). he took each one and shot 'em in the head with a .22.

i got a buddy who is a farmer up in Chico. he said he had to kill his ranch dog when he was young. his dad told him how to do it. he put a hot dog on the end of a .22 and shot it at point blank range.

anyways.. just thot i'd let you know that this isn't a joke. it's the real thing.

miseryandthesun +0 -0
A hot dog on the end of a .22.

I...

A hot dog ...

;__;

yingkaixing +0 -0
That would be a good idea, if you were laying on the ground and using a pistol. Instead by having the dog put his mouth around the muzzle you pretty much guarantee the .22 round going explosively out the side or back of the dog's neck. Blood and fur and noise everywhere, the brain totally missed and the offending dog still alive, psychological trauma for every mammal within 2 miles ensues.

irondave +0 -0
I think this vignette entirely proves Nice Pete's point: Chico, California: apparently people too long and too far removed from proper country decorum and tradition.

aperson +0 -0
Yes. Hollywood.

pogo +1 -0
I shot the doggie ... but I did not shoot the deputy

spectre +0 -0
I thought you shot the dog on account of how Dad lost his job again.

foetus_punch +0 -0
Spectre...your avatar is the little symbol from Civ: CtP. God damn it, now I need to go dig up that game. Thanks for ruining my afternoon.

epicurus +1 -0
This strip touches me in a special way that I thought was gone forever.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Finally, someone's telling it how it is on the subject of executing dogs!

achilleselbow +0 -0
You mean ever since your uncle died?

bumpishound +0 -0
You mean, ever since yr uncle that I ... boned?

theguitarhero +0 -0
You killed his uncle by BONING HIM?

bumpishound +0 -0
Aw man my uncle died THAT EXACT SAME WAY just last week. How could I be so insensitive?

theguitarhero +1 -0
Hey man. My uncle was dead by being called insensitive.

That was an awesome post.

deus +0 -0
But where do we toss the biscuit?

turnabout +3 -0
Nice Pete is a man you don't meet every day.

octafish +2 -0
You best be easy and free when you're drinking with him.
Somehow I doubt he has acres of land and men he commands though.

amul +0 -0
I just want to chubby the hell out of this post above here, I really do.

But I can't. You'll have to make do with just one, and perhaps dreams of fine and fair flotilla of chubbies just over yon horizon, each and every one with your name writ in gold.

miseryandthesun +0 -0
Got you covered.

qingofchina +0 -1
"Saturday Men"

gladi8orrex +0 -0
A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Dezufnocosem, KaMeT, falseprophet, morypcaina, cromar)

snidedk +1 -2
Evening everybody, I found something out!

My buds, hellos to you. I tells some knowledge on y'all, 'cause that's my job. You all deserve that at least. Here goes!
Most the black ladies I've met are one of two things - mean/inconsiderate or dumb. Sorry if that is common knowledge but it bears repeating.

Lols, how do you starve a black man? Lol, hide his food stamps under his work boots.

P.S. I still can't repost whenever I want, man, I truly wonder the criteria for it... (wamya?) gimme the chups/chuppies/chubbus.

pinesol +1 -0
wamya: anyway.

Glad, you are very creative. Or something.

theguitarhero +0 -1
I think it's won't ya.

pinesol +1 -0
NO

theguitarhero +0 -1
:(

octafish +0 -0
Can anyone else smell eggs?

pinesol +0 -0
I'm sorry I made you :(

theguitarhero +1 -1
why did I get a lame? My post was actually chronologically BEFORE pinesol. so my mistake was just a mistake, ok. jeez.

sje46 +0 -0
What is going on?

theguitarhero +2 -1
I am just confused by my sudden accrual of lames for no obvious reason.

That's assetbar for ya.

loneal +3 -1
Maybe a machine elf followed you home!

octafish +1 -0
I have done a little digging and it is Gladdi who is dealing out the lames to theguitarhero. I guess he was really insulted by your translation or something. I gave hero a couple of equalizer chubbies, to rectify the situation.

Got a problem?
Odds against you?
Need help?
Call - The ~~Equalizer~~ Octafish.

irondave +0 -1
It's kind of you to help out this way. It's kind of cheeky on Gladdi's part, isn't it? I mean, I would think that he, who has suffered so much from the sting of the Lame, would refrain from applying them to someone only trying to interpret his work for the greater public.

achilleselbow +0 -0
He lamed both me and Loneal several times in the past for no discernible reason. I get the sense that he does not like me in general. I thought he might be aiu for a while, but then I realized that can't be true because he makes references to TV shows and other things that normal people who aren't antisocial psychopaths know about. So I guess I'll just have to deal. Boo hoo.

theguitarhero +1 -0
That's sweet, thanks.

I think that Glad is actually Chris himself, like how whenever Zeus came down to be with the people he took the form of an animal.

I think that AIU is Randall Munroe, the guy who does xkcd.

Basically all our regular trollers are just guys who do webcomics. Like it's all a big game to them.

irondave +0 -0
Do you have a newsletter?

pogo +0 -0
Now that's a conspiracy theory to love, other cartoonists trolling here! Have another scotch, my friend.

hedonismbot +2 -0
Damn, you really are pretty clever... I'm going to go ahead and out myself, since I can tell you are getting close. I am Jim Davis, and I'm trying to destroy all comics from the inside. I act out as a perverted robot on boards like this because I find it is the only thing that makes me feel remotely human anymore. I am also loneal, and am merely using a handface picture I took of my elderly mother as my avatar to fool you.

hamscout +0 -0
Online strippers trolling the forums of others??
It's like "Amateur night" at the strip clubs, where 'first timers' (who are actually visiting from other strip joints) perform like they are just giggly ladies who "don't know how they drank enough courage to get on the stage"...

[google] C'mon gladdi8orex show me him naked [/google]

loneal +0 -0
He did lame us a lot. Even though we were his biggest fans and wrote Cliff Notes for him and everything. Maybe he does have a thing against his translators.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Or against people who give him publicity in general. Maybe he's actually Thomas Pynchon.

loneal +0 -0
My money's on J.D. Salinger.

paperboy_2000 +2 -0
Guyz i standez on teh edje of sm crzee clif LOL Iz has 2 cach everi1 if theyz statr 2 go ovr teh clf. Lik if theyr runig n dnt luk wer their gong i jus hv 2 com out frm sumwhr n cach tem. Ths jus all i doin allz day. Cachr in teh rie 2 finsh up.

contrasoma +26 -0
I believe I can shed some light on that account, achilleselbow.

I've wanted to come clean for months. I'd never taken money to betray my conscience before, but truth be told no one had ever offered, so that's more a matter of circumstance than morality. Lord knows I'm not asking for absolution, not now. Not as I'm about to betray my benefactor. And for what? Certainly not any principled "truth will out" bullshit. Maybe I'm just glad that it's all gonna be over.

*shakily raises scotch to mouth, watches the legs run down the inside of the tumbler as the Glenlivet begins to warm the gut*

I've been receiving substantial monthly stipends from the one and only Mr. Thomas Pynchon to casually post here for the past ten months. The first plain manila envelopes showed up in February of 2007, with no addresses or postmarks, save for the muted trumpet, stamped in cold blue in the top left corner, which was to become my sigil, the bleak omen under which I was to live.

*more scotch*

To this day I don't know why he picked me. Hell, I don't even know how he knew I read Achewood. But after everything I've been through...Hell, I don't know how anyone knows anything anymore. Or how anyone could keep anything secret from anyone else.

The envelope contained several small sheafs of high-denomination US bills (there were problems with obtaining unmarked Canadian bills, which made the whole thing that much trickier for me, being north of the border), and explicit instructions, bashed out on an old obscure make of Underwood typewriters that had only been on the market for three months in 1945 (at least according to the typographical historian I surreptitiously contacted) regarding registering and posting on the Achewood assetbar while using a Pynchon-based avatar. I was to be put on retainer by Mr. Pynchon.

While the money sure as shit told me I was dealing with a major player, I had no assurances that I was dealing with the real Pynchon. Until the next envelope showed up. This one contained multiple pages from Against the Day , which his goddammn agent didn't even know existed until June. When the novel was finally published, I bought a copy from a bookstore I'd never even walked past (to ensure getting an untampered copy) - the pages matched perfectly.

Even more shocking were the highlighted words and phrases from the pages I'd been sent. The highlighted sections unmistakably drew the figures of dozens of Achewood characters and motifs. Highlight all of the occurrences of any of the words used in Beef's "Notorious L.I.N.C.O.L.N." rap on a certain page, and Nice Pete's face would suddenly leap off the page at you. Highlight all of the words that began with the same letter as the names of Ray's AIBOs in
[url=https://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222002
]this strip[/url] (the first word beginning with S, then the next beginning with P, and so on) in a particular chapter, and you suddenly had a forty page flip book depicting Cartilage Head performing in exquisite detail. Pynchon had hidden innumerable Achewood gags in Against The Day , picto-linguistically.

What was all of this about? Why was I being paid? The idea was that if a typical slacker grad student appeared on assetbar using a Pynchon avatar to connote deep intellectualism with a minimum of effort, any Pynchon related discussion on the board would be be given a typically detached hipster veneer, with no danger of substantive Pynchon analysis spontaneously erupting.

In a nutshell, I was a relief valve. Guaranteed a middling and unsuspecting environment, Pynchon could then continue to post on assetbar in safety and secret.

As for Pynchon's identity on assetbar...Hell. I still don't think I can tell you outright, no matter how many times I've bolted out of troubled sleep with the secret on my lips, wanting to scream it to the night, but never knowing for certain that only the night would hear me.

But the truth is I've known that something's been up for the past three months. I'm seeing the muted trumpet everywhere: stamped onto beer mats in my local, scribbled into books I leaf through at random in the library. Once...once even smudged into the grime on my shower tile. The phone rings, no one's there, but after I've hung up I swear I can hear that damnable couplet drifting up from the receiver:

No hallowed skein of stars can ward, I trow,
who%u2019s once been set his tryst with Tristero!

I must've done something to have become a liability. Maybe the typewriter expert gave me up. Maybe I gave a too-sly look to a friend at a pub when Pynchon came up in conversation. Hell, maybe they thought that Batman panel wasn't funny. You guessing that Pynchon was posting here's finally given me the courage to wipe the slate clean, achilleselbow, even if you're miles off as far as which poster is Pynchon.

Like I say, I can't tell you outright. I can't tell if that's loyalty, base, misguided loyalty to the man who will be my destroyer, or if it's a commitment to the spirit of the whole sordid affair...the idea that the narrative, the mystery should survive even if I don't.

But I can give you one clue. One clue, my sole trump card, and then my shoddy role as spear-carrier in this pathetic show will be through, for better or for worse, or, more likely, for neither.

You ever wonder why there's such a long gap between Pynchon's books? Heh. Lemme tell you something. He ain't spending all that time between publication dates researching and writing.

*a last sip of scotch, but the flavour can't punch through the fog that seems to surround everything*

He's reading slash.

irondave +0 -0
Virtual chubby to you. I hope you get what you deserve, but you won't.

margargaret +0 -0
Oh man. I am sorry I got no chubs for you.

sje46 +0 -0
Don't worry. You got a chubby from me.

edwell +0 -0
AND MY V-CHUB.

tekende +0 -0
Wow. Huge V chub for contrasoma. That was amazing.

woodenteeth +0 -0
VIRTUAL CHUBBY.

I had to make it well known.

woodenteeth +1 -0
Glads whole persona on here is a farce. I wouldn't take any Lames to heart ever. He's random and will forever be so. Including his reasons for laming. You should ask him!

loneal +0 -0
Oh, do not worry, none of his lames have been taken to heart whatsoever. We are just using them as clues to speculate about the man (?) behind the mask.

thegoblins +0 -1
He lamed me too! It is like a badge of honor!

theguitarhero +0 -0
My newsletter is at thesmokingstrip.com

pinesol +0 -1
No, glad's not random. Retarded maybe, but not random. But if you're reading this Glad, and you really are retarded, know that there is nothing wrong with that, and you have raised my awareness of retardation quite a lot. Now I wonder about the life of the guy who works at the local grocery store, pushing the carts, who ain't quite right, and I wonder... what is that like.... what *is* that like, to be him?

I wonder what that would be like to be a retarded woman, too, and how that would differ from being a retarded man... oh and then there are retarded balck people... don't get me started on them, lordy lordy!

This will probably be lamed I suppose.

i_love_kate +0 -0
That would seem fitting.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I think Pinesol is AIU.

aperson +0 -0
Well... he has been trying to provoke 'heated discussions' ever since he pitched up in these parts a few days ago. Fairly fruitlessly it has to be said. That last post seems to confirm he's a nutter.

pinesol +0 -0
Well I'm no Gladi8orex but I am a little bit outside the norm. Didn't mean to provoke anything... Just imitating Mr. G there. I just wonder about retardation sometimes. I also wonder what my gf's dog is thinking sometimes. I don't think he is quite as self-aware as a human is... that makes me wonder if there is some theoretical being, or perhaps as of yet undiscovered space alien, that is way more self-aware and sentient than us humans, who is out there somewhere, wondering "what's it like to be human? What's it like to be retarded like that?"

aperson +0 -0
No, I'm sorry Pinesol. You will have to be burned at the stake immediately. CIRCLE THE WAGONS. WE MUST PROTECT ASSETBAR.

In fact, burn 'em all, The 'Stad will pluck his own true followers from those flames.

i_love_kate +0 -0
His feasible post length is at odds with the theory of him being a possible aiu account.

If you remember alreadyinuse's early posting, it was essay upon essay of senseless contention. A habit I fel it would be hard for him to break out of if he began posting his opinions again.

pogo +0 -0
I have the same suspicion, but I may be paranoid from all the drinking.

irondave +0 -0
This has occurred to me as well, but he's showing a lot of self-control, if true. Particularly in contrast with the most recent outburst of a self-identifying AIU account, see above.

theguitarhero +0 -0
IT'S A TRAP.

autrepoupee +1 -0
Guys, I have a confession to make:
All this time, I've actually been part of AIU Hivemind. I'm a secret-sys-op, meant to infiltrate the Assetbar caste and take it down from the inside.

There is one thing my creator didn't count on however; I became human. I learned how to love, and how to live, and how to think, and how to feel. I watch sunrises now, and I laugh as loud as I can.

I am man. I am incorrigible, and I will never be brought back to pasture.

YOU HEAR ME, CREATORGODINUSE
NEVER AGAIN
- throws self into gears, to save the assetbarbers -

sje46 +0 -1
What is this thing called . . . love? What is this thing called . . .humor? What is this thing called . . .music? What is this thing called . . friendship?

God, I hated Bicentennial Man.

Oh, Virtual chubby, by the way.

pogo +0 -0
Wait, before you throw yourself in the gears, have sex with a few of us first.

sje46 +0 -0
You're right! SHe's female! A fembot!
And apparently you, Pogo, are a dude.

pogo +0 -0
Yes, sje, I merely hired this model to front for me a while.

achilleselbow +0 -0
There is a hentai series called New Angel and in the second episode the typical sex-crazed high-school boy protagonist comes across a girl about to jump off the school rooftop. He convinces her to at least have sex with him before she jumps because it won't matter to her anyway and she "won't even have to worry about birth control". I love the Japanese, I really do.

sje46 +0 -0
Is hentai porno?
i remember an anime porno my brother's friend was watching. It was the most sadistic stuff you can imagine other than 120 days of Sodom (by the one and only marquis de sade).

Those crazy perverts!

woodenteeth +0 -0
Props to the Marquis. If you haven't seen Geoffrey Rush in "Quills" playing that crazy pervert, you really should check it out.

sje46 +0 -0
I have not seen this, bu perhaps if I run across it, I will.
I wonder, would it be appropriate to post some of his . . .interesting work on this fine discussion board?

No, no it probably is not.

octafish +0 -0
Ditto The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade more commonly known as Marat/Sade by Peter Weiss, it is a play but there is a 1960's film version with Patrick Magee as De Sade, Glenda Jackson as Charlotte Corday, and Sir Ian Richardson as Marat. A cracking story about the dangers of nationalism, the French Revolution, De Sade, and early psychiatric practices.

falseprophet +0 -0
(A dilemma! Should I step in and educate this curious person or reveal myself as someone knowledgeable in the Bukkake Arts?! I will face an unceasing string of challenges from young novices seeking to make their name at the expense of my life, a life of walking along dust-covered roads with no place to lay my bag, no town to call my home, the suspicious eyes of women letting me know I'll never know peace between a pair of soft, shaven legs, my voice gone hoarse from years of not saying anything more to anyone than 'How far down that road?' Diggin in the trash to lick the residue off wrappers and 'How far down that road?' Gatherin my crumpled bills and tryin to decide whether to replace my tattered shirt or buy a five-minute blowjob from the bony girls on the corner and 'How far down that road?' Tapin and retapin my fists, tighter and tighter, keep those knuckles from bustin wide open when I turn your jaw around. And 'how far down that road?'

What do I do?! ... I guess I'll just change the subject to one that no one could possibly challenge my knowledge or expertise in, stopping the conversation cold, so we can all move on ...)

*~* Black America's feelings on this asset are: neu. *~*

sje46 +0 -0
Umm, this is kinda embarrassing. You were thinking outloud. Yeah.

*backs away*

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
translation: why don't ya
step one: (whydonchya)
step two: (wyduncha)
step three:
step four: ~~Profit!~~ wamya

thegoblins +0 -1
Gladi8orrex the Racist Samurai, you should use your noelage only for good, not evil. Only then you will get your posting privileges back.

paperboy_2000 +0 -0
The shooting of a dog is a complex activity, despite depictions in the media

pinesol +0 -0
I'm guessing Nice Pete probably has a section about the protocol for stringing up your neighbor's shot dog from a flaming cross in the local town square :-P

oh and then there's mailing your ex gf the severed-by-a-chainsaw head of her dog for her birthday, neatly wrapped in gift wrap.

see this is why I quit reading & watching the news. All it does it pollute my mind

gyrate +0 -0
I usually hire an independent contractor to do it for me.

Because I'm not man enough.

werewolves +1 -0
I thought of that immediately

gyrate +0 -0
Is that Eugene Hütz in that little picture there? Best moustache in show business since Hitler played Pip in the Munich Footlights production of Great Expectations.

vadun +0 -0
Having moved out to the country recently, its nice to know what i have to look forward to when I get a dog

yogurtworld +0 -0
Those are a couple unconventional typewriter fonts, right there.

mrchee +0 -0
how

mrchee +0 -0
far

mrchee +0 -0
to

mrchee +0 -0
the

mrchee +0 -0
right

mrchee +0 -0
can

mrchee +0 -0
this

mrchee +0 -0
asset

mrchee +0 -0
bar

mrchee +0 -0
thing

mrchee +0 -0
go

mrchee +0 -0
before

mrchee +0 -0
the

mrchee +0 -0
shit

mrchee +0 -0
hits

mrchee +0 -0
the

mrchee +0 -0
fan

mrchee +0 -0
Achewood is now CULTURALLY IMPORTANT

stereo +0 -0
Interestingly, when you post it looks like they're going far over but after you refresh it turns out they just get stuck after a while.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Man, I ignored mrchee I don't know when, and now I'm curious. What's he postin'?

octafish +0 -0
absolutely nuthin'
say it again y'all...

achilleselbow +0 -0
What a rotten application of one's self.

aperson +0 -0
That killed me when somebody posted it at me.

So witheringly disappointed...

achilleselbow +0 -0
Hey, don't you be disappointed at me , you son of a bitch!

sje46 +0 -0
Don't you do cocaine at me!

aperson +0 -0
So disappointed in myself. And then angry. Angry that someone on the internet made me disappointed in myself. So, to recap: F-f-f-f-sorry for the ambiguity.

raptors +0 -0
Nice Pete cleans up well, though his mustache reminds me of Jimmy T.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Nice Pete is like Jimmy T, except for one key difference. He will stop at nothing to kill you.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Also he lacks the boogie.

gladi8orrex +4 -0
YOU GUSYS GUESS WOT

ya no win da gigant bebe is flaot towod deh planet erf at deh en o deh 2001 ya no dat music dat b playin'? i r listnen 2 dat rite now.**

oops, spolier alert i guess... cases u not no gigant bebes were involved...

**the song as ended

retro +0 -0
gladi8orrex...
gladi8orrex...have my retarded baby

stereo +0 -0
Dat's tite finkin', yo.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
YOU GUYS GUESS WHAT

you know when the giant baby is floating toward the planet Earth at the end of the 2001, you know that music that is playing? i am listening to that right now.**

oops, spoiler alert i guess, 'case you didn't know giant babies were involved.

**the song has ended.

(this guy has different difficulty levels..like skadunkadunk.*)

*sudoku

sje46 +0 -0
I'm sorry; I read the book.

Is it weird that I read the book but didn't see the movie?

Answer: Probably.

stereo +0 -0
Is it weird that I read the book while watching the movie? Most likely.

sje46 +0 -0
Is it weird that I read the book while watching the movie while NAKED?!?!

No, of course not!

i_love_kate +0 -0
See, if you get rid of the capitalisation and unnecessary punctuation there, you're already a fully functioning member of Assetbar!

I chuckled.

octafish +0 -0
See, I agree with the unnecessary punctuation, but I read that as shouting "naked" and it works for me. A V(irtual)-Chubby for you sje46.

P.S. what is the music Gladdi is referring to? Not Also Sprach Zarathustra at that point is it? I checked before hitting post, Wikipedia says it is . I can't hear that without expecting Elvis to appear somewhere singing C C Rider like on Aloha from Hawaii .

sje46 +0 -0
Yes! V chub!
That was my intention, by the way. I not usually a sufferer of bad capitaliz(no s)ation/punctuation.
You British, I love Kate? CAn you, umm, apologize for that whole taxation without representation thing? Thanks.

thegoblins +0 -0
It would be more appropriate for you to ask him this in an arrogant, bullying sort of way, and in a Southwestern accent.

sje46 +0 -0
But I am an insecure, submissive guy with a Northeastern accent.
Plus I don't know what the Southwestern accent really sounds like.

pogo +0 -0
At 643 comments, this thread has deteriorated into a witch hunting, perverse display of inanity. Congrats! And welcome to the Monkey House.

woodenteeth +0 -0
pogo, that guy totally has the coolest avatar now.

which god must I pray to for one?

pinesol +0 -0
your avitar is one of the best woodenteeth. it is demur, inoffensive, non-goofy, non-tacky, and only the slightest hint of maybe starting to go bald. Or it could just be the lighting. And cool glasses too. And a nice calming color scheme.

octafish: great lighting, subversive, comedic, and serious at the same time. The animated hand, however, is an affront to the senses and to the part of the brain that is trying to process your avitar, but can't, because it keeps getting distracted by that damn hand. I try holding my finger on my screen over the hand, but it's no use, I still know it's there, and I even know where it is in it's cycle. It's like sitting next to someone on the bus who is jiggling their leg up and down at a rapid rate. After a few minutes, it subsumes everything you are thinking about and it's all you can do to keep from bludgeoning the person to death. You get off the bus, and 10 minutes later you are still deeply troubled by the idea of that knee jumping up and down somewhere along the bus route.

In conclusion, both your avitars blow my mind, but for different reasons.

Pogo: Pretty good avitar, although, now you're tinkering with the gender identity that you project. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that. But keep working at it; you might find something...

pogo +0 -0
I heard that leg-jiggling is unconscious masturbation.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Unless you're doing it on purpose.

What? WHAT? Don't look at me like that.

cheesesandwich +0 -0
speaking of avatars with gender identity issues

woodenteeth +0 -0
You look very concerned about your ornate facial hair and jaunty hat as a combo. I would say that would be more of an ethnicity issue.

cheesesandwich +0 -0
I was going for "if Abraham Lincoln grew a sinister mustache"

woodenteeth +0 -0
and you managed a Guy Fawlkes/Rabbi lovechild!

well done.

sje46 +0 -0
I think that girls with handlebar mustaches to be generally more attractive than the clean-shaven ones. But that's just me.

sje46 +0 -0
Or "evil villain" mustache. Whatever type that is.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Wait, do you mean on their face? Most girls don't have ornate mustaches on their faces.

sje46 +0 -0
Where I'm from, they do.

(I'm from New Hampshire.)

woodenteeth +0 -0
Demure. Excellent. I feel like waving a hand at you and cooing "Oh you !".

Dear The Internet,
My receeding hairline seems to have stopped receeding.
Love,
Woodenteeth.

irondave +0 -0
Mine hairline stayed still for maybe fifteen years. It's for damn sure on the march, now, though.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Like Napoleon invading Siberia.

Thanks for the grim prediction. Boo to THAT.

pogo +0 -0
Woodenteeth, I wouldn't worry about your avatar at all, it's one of the best, and seems to suit your posts. Mine is more a comment on my posts than a representation of me. I found it becase and art-director friend has a blog of ununusal images, and this was in a huge bank of sexy female stuff.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Sweet! People like the avatar.

Still... sexy females. I really like sexy females.

pogo +0 -0
I will always look at the sexy females, ya mon (there's reggae on the radio).

aliiis +0 -0
yes. new comic please!

theirateturk +0 -0
Guy's please use this comment as a springboard for any off topic discussion you might have.

falseprophet +0 -0
CLITS

FOR OR AGAINST?

sje46 +0 -0
Against. Women should not be pleasured. They are clear like a horrible plastic toy with no color.

falseprophet +1 -0
Also against, but for reasons that are completely alternate to your universe:

I like to pleasure women but eating is cheating and fondlings clits and G spots and using dirty talk and caressing the erogenous zone of the mind man that is all too easy I prefer to do it the honest working man's way which is gettin my dick hard using only the music of Bruce Springsteen, shovin it all up in there and thrusting repeatedly, making sure the dick collides with the cervix every time then pullin out and coming all over the face. I have no use for blowjobs or fingering of my anus or any of the other methods you female types like to use because it is just part of the ho-mo-sex-u-al agenda and I am happy with my American Pies and apple flags thankyouverymuch.

Flannel.

theguitarhero +0 -0
That's the most perfect thing to say, ever !

sje46 +0 -0
EWw, you get it on to Bruce Springsteen? Do you like the sound of his voice that much? When I get busy I put on Rihanna.

achilleselbow +0 -0
This is great - within the course of one day you've moved from excessive sincerity and naivete to meta self-parody of the same. Nice job on the excessive capitalization too - that's what we call a running gag. You'll do well around these parts.

woodenteeth +0 -0
There is love here for you sje46, if only you are willing to accept it.

sje46 +0 -0
I accept!

[Oh no, I hope I didn't seem to eager with that comment and ruin it all.]

woodenteeth +0 -0
He's accepted Hedo... you can take him from here.

hedonismbot +0 -0
sje, do you think it is wrong for two men to kiss, or do you agree that it is okay?

kamet +0 -0
Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Billy?

kamet +0 -0
Do you ever hang around a gymnasium?

kamet +0 -0
Do you like movies about gladiators?

woodenteeth +0 -0
I was at the front of a punk show when I was younger than I am now... and my flannel-patterned jacket came off and was thrown onto stage. It was at that point the fairly astute lead singer picked it up and pointed out that not only was it flannel but it had press studs. I let the damn thing get thrown to the back of the stage for the rest of the gig. The bouncer gave it back to me later, only after leaving a considerable downpayment of pride.

It was a Frenzal gig, Oz peoples.

octafish +0 -0
Genitals are funny.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Are so funny.

hedonismbot +0 -0
The female orgasm is a fake idea.

theirateturk +1 -0
lmao the people ive been romantically involved with would disagree

[Turk tosses up an underarm ball]

hedonismbot +0 -0
The clit is not hidden in the rectum. I don't care how many of your girlfriends told you that.

sje46 +0 -0
I know this is true because i have yet to give a female one.

sje46 +0 -0
This may be through lack of trying.

woodenteeth +0 -0
No. Some girls are particularly difficult in this area. When you find that girl who does nothing but orgasm you'll be in a wonderful new world.

loneal +0 -0
sje, I found what you need .

sje46 +1 -0
I'm afraid to click on that link until my cousin leaves the room.

loneal +0 -0
It is about medical oddities, including a woman who has a too-many-orgasms problem. It is not a big sack of porno, I promise.

sje46 +0 -0
Nevermind.

Yes to that girl. I've always wondered what it would be like to experience a constant orgasm.

woodenteeth +0 -0
You are sending sje on a suicide mission and I enthusiastically approve.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Hmm, she developed it after taking antidepressants, which is strange because from my experience and everything else I've heard, they only have the opposite effect.

howl +0 -0
it's true

loneal +0 -0
Hedonismbot, you take that back, or you better start watching out for my closet lesbian molars on your next basement visit.

loneal +0 -0
Though I recognize the bravery of other commenters here in taking the unpopular stance of not loving clits (moist), I am going to have to come out staunchly in favor of them.

sje46 +0 -0
It's in the throat, right?

drskradley +0 -0
I've only found it in the ear.

(Seriously though, if this were true, chicks would justifiably be totally scratching their ears like all the damn time. )

kamet +0 -0
(pro-clit)

theguitarhero +1 -0
CLITS.

LOVE THEM.

PRO.

woodenteeth +0 -0
I'm totally down with the little man in the boat.

loneal +0 -0
She's a woman in a boat, goddamnit.

woodenteeth +0 -0
The last one I met was not. The seas were rocky, he held his rudder firm. At one stage he turned to me and winked, as if he knew that we would weather this one out and everything would be fine. Later when we were lazying in the sun, weather beaten but happy, he turned to me and said that normally there's a woman at the helm and that he was going to go ashore permanently at the next port.

I miss that guy.

octafish +0 -0
Did... did he call you little buddy and then start thrashing you with your own hat?

woodenteeth +0 -0
Well, it was a three hour tour.

A man gets bored.

snidedk +0 -0
I am also Pro-Clit, but for a different reason. I went to a local art gallery to see an exhibit of some of some of Picasso's lesser known etchings and sketches. Pretty much every piece featured fairly prominently at least one malformed vagina, as well as a massive shiggity-schwa (which we affectionately dubbed "monstercocks"). It didn't matter what the situation being depicted was (a couple even had the Pope looking on lecherously), somehow there would always be a couple of sex organs on display. Distorted though they may be, however, the ladyparts were still rather more aesthetically pleasing than the Leaning Towers of Manhood adorning the walls.

I suppose my point is that clits, and the fleshy bits surrounding them, are rather pleasant to look upon and can be likened to pretty things like flowers and what have you, as opposed to the man bits. I mean, when you get right down to it, penises are pretty ridiculous looking things.

Err, I mean, YEAH CLITS YEAH FUCKIN' LOVE THEM THINGS ALRIGHT, I'M LIKE THE CLIT-FUCKIN'-MASTER

kamet +3 -0

hedonismbot +0 -0
Wonderful gif for those who recognize it. This needs to be an avatar for someone. I'd make it my own, but I've already made my stance on pleasing women public.

kamet +0 -0
I thought about making it my avatar.. but I think my other Jay/Silent Bob one is better.

aperson +0 -0
No, please keep the one you have. Jay and Silent Bob are shittest characters, starring in most annoyingly crap movies.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Awww, you prefer blurry hotty picture over goof-ass crap character picture? At least we can all agree that your avacon is flawless.

i_love_kate +0 -0
"I hate people... something."

I'm not an expert lip-reader, I must say. Or at least not those lips.

(Pro-clit)

achilleselbow +0 -0
No, no, Jay is merely announcing that he is the clit commander.

thorfinn +0 -0
I am the master of the clit

sje46 +1 -0
They look like pretty roses now, but afterwards they look like a bulldog eating mayonnaise.

Sorry. Dirty joke.

achilleselbow +0 -0
No apology necessary. Analogy of the week.

sje46 +0 -0
Oh yeah, I forgot; Acheworld doesn't understand the concept of shame.

woodenteeth +0 -0
... or you could be like the misogynist gay guy I met who answered the question would you ever go down on a woman with "I would never go near that god damn butchers shop".

woodenteeth +0 -0
oh yeah, and a dick is basically an internal organ on the outside, it's just entirely hilariously misplaced.

loneal +0 -0
Yeah, clitorati are much bigger than they appear, it's just that most women have the decency to keep our internal organs mostly on the inside.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I was going to ask if there was anyone who was actually anti-clit, and then I remembered Freud.

loneal +0 -0
Oh, Freud. There was a man who just needed to chill out and smoke a cigar.

theirateturk +0 -0
you can smoke my cigar **wink wink**

sje46 +0 -0
Guys, sometimes you have to realize sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Close, but no...

Huh. My brain just started eating itself.

woodenteeth +0 -0
A light snack?

hedonismbot +0 -0
And sometimes it's a big brown cock.

Man I miss Carlin...

woodenteeth +0 -0
and far less cocaine.

octafish +0 -0
Johnny Yen?

octafish +1 -0
Ode to a Displaced Post

Oh post, my meaningless post
So far from your origin
The spark that gave me thought
And gave you life

What are you doing so far down here post?
Where did you come from post?
What meaning do you have now post?
What are they going to make of you now post?

Two words, alone, without meaning
Lost in the ravaged playground of Assetbar

I think I loved you once post
No longer, no longer,
You failed me, as I failed you
And in failure we are joined as one.

octafish +0 -0
Sorry, I am full of myself tonight (also Black Angus Sirloin and Shiraz especially Shiraz).

woodenteeth +0 -0
Pass me a glass would you... that lonely post is giving me the eye.

pinesol +0 -0
I mighta said "yeah"

laserblade +0 -0
Dude. "that lonely post is giving me the eye" is iambic pentameter. Whoa.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Nice. I'm an accidental poetic genius.

clits +1 -0
PRO ME!

sje46 +1 -0
I don't know what I'm looking at, but I like it a lot. My mom yelled at me when I showed it to her though. I asked her if she wanted me to go to my room like my usual punishment but she said "No!" And then she said yes, but I have to keep the door open!

But I can't sleep with the door open because of all the lights! I mean, I need a small night-light to sleep, but this is a bit much! So then I got up to turn off the lights. But my mom said she needed it to pay taxes, and I was like "But Mommm . . . . I need the light off to sleep!" but she just shook her head. "Well, can I at least have some warm milk?" And she said sure. And then I saw a bag of Chips Ahoy! and I love Chips Ahoy! But when I tried to have some she got mad at me. :(. So then I got mad at her and threw the frying pan at her head. But it missed and she got mad so I had to take out a knife from the drawer, and now I'm on this computer looking at porn, trying to find more pictures like your avatar. It is fun, and I am learning a lot! :)

sje46 +0 -0
Sorry. I felt like writing a story and . .and something came over me. I think I have problems.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Wow. That sounded like a more scarily real version of Gladi8orrex. Except for the whole stabbing your mother thing.

Freud would have something to say about your problems.

i_love_kate +1 -0
Yeah, knives are pretty phallic. There's something going on, there.

sje46 +0 -0
Oedipal Complex?
Originally I tried to stab her with a piece of my anatomy, but it wasn't sharp enough.

thorfinn +0 -0
For the record, that is a picture of a lady's hand on a flesh-colored mouse on a flesh-colored mousepad, it is not a picture of female naughty bits.

sje46 +0 -0
Oh, man! Then I guess I didn't need to be sent to my room with the door open!

contrasoma +1 -0

tekende +0 -0
I am totally pro clits. I love the things. Because they bring pleasure to women, and that is a Good Thing in my book. My Book of All Things Good.

Also:
I am very pleased with what's happening here with the comments. This is reminding me of the Harper's 27 Women weekend.

beefsmipeep +0 -0
Is...is that what I think it is? If so, I am both amused and somewhat disturbed - disturbed that assetbar would go all Larry Flynt on me.

As for clits, I'm with tekende - absolutely a Good Thing. Making them happy tends to make the owner very amenable to making me happy - what the b-school boys call a "win-win".

irondave +0 -0
The answer is "No." It appears to be a pink computer mouse on a cleverly decorated pink mousepad, with a strategically-placed woman's hand. Larry Flynt, however, may still be involved in some way.

pinesol +0 -0
So, like,

if we were all in North Korea, right,

and our fearless leader Kim Il Sung (did I spell that right?) had an assetbar account, right,

and he posted stuff, you'd pretty much _have_ to chubby his posts, right? You'd have to save every last chubby for his posts.

woodenteeth +0 -0
I'd chubby Edwell first.

aperson +1 -0
They killed all the Edwells.

octafish +0 -0
Where have all the Edwells gone?

aperson +0 -0
I picture the Edwells as a species of small, slightly nerdy looking mammal.

I SAID, I picture the Edwells as a species of small, slightly nerdy looking mammal.

{Waits for artistic rendering}

featurelessvoid +0 -0

sje46 +0 -0
perfect.
just the right amount of nerdiness!

aperson +0 -0
Awwwwwww

tekende +0 -0
And then they came for the edwells, and I did not speak up, for I was not an edwell.

Later they came for me, and no one spoke up, because there was no one left to speak.

irondave +0 -0
Not necessarily. You would always have the option of going into the dynamic field of scavenging for tree bark to make soup.

octafish +0 -0
Kim Il Sung posts from beyond the grave. Pass it on!

biff +1 -0
Dang, we need a new cartoon just so we can get a new chubby supply.

I mean in addition to the desire for more Achewood. Don't get me wrong, you know.

Netflix is not mailing out DVDs, Achewood is not updating, this sucks.

chuvak +0 -0
I'll probably get lamed all to hell for saying hit, but this is how it begins, and is the fate of every web comic or widely read blog. First the author gets kinda famous, everyone's all happy, an explosive period of productivity follows. Then, a book deal and other things follow. Special projects start to eat away at time spent on the original source of success. There are periods of sporadic intense activity, interspersed with no updates, sometimes for a week, sometimes two. Then, the author starts to focus completely on other projects, and the original source material that these projects are based upon is forgotten. Updates are on a yearly basis or biannually. The author, having neglected the source of his fame for projects tangentially related to it, realizes that without his original material people have lost interest and his work is considered non-vital. He fades into obscurity and semi-retirement, eking out a living as a guest comic for other new talents.

I don't think this will happen to Onstad. He'll probably just quit one day and open a successful store that deals in fashionable fireplace accessories.

chuvak +0 -1
for saying hit? hmmm
HIT I SAY. HIT.

woodenteeth +0 -0
There. Lamed. Are you HAPPY now!

aperson +0 -0
You forgot malnutrition and bedsores.

chuvak +0 -0
How could I forget those two things? They made me the man I am today.

paperboy_2000 +0 -0
Chuvak all binding Onstad to his own bed with leather restraints. IV nutrient drip keeps him alive and just lucid enough to see the computer monitor set on the tray in front of him. Monitor all displaying Achewood, last updated seven months ago. No screen saver to make it go away. A forest of Nice Pete air fresheners hang from the ceiling to hide the stench. Chuvak letting Onstad out of the restraints only once a year to update the site. All object lesson to other web cartoonists the virtue of a regular update schedule.

Chuvak all spending the rest of his time force feeding Scott Kurtz cans of Chef-Boy-R-Dee and sending Tycho boxes with Gabe's head in them.

sje46 +0 -0
Have any examples?

fatfatcat +0 -1
chris please stop showing the New Yorker how well you can use a thesaurus and go back to making comics

irondave +0 -0
I heard you the first time, and you have neglected to tell us all (again) about your feelings for ham.

theboneorchard +0 -1
...

achilleselbow +0 -0
I initially read your name as "thebonerchard"

irondave +0 -0
A green, leafy vegetable that promotes nasty old tumescences. Why Olive Oyl puts up with Popeye.

woodenteeth +0 -0
chris please stop showing the New Yorker just why they'll probably hire you and you'll forget the meek living here and make some real money as a real writer and have some stability in your life. stop that at once.

gyrate +0 -0
Precisely so. Your true calling is to provide free Internet-based entertainment for us, the great unwashed masses.

Dance for us, monkey boy!

neonfreon2 +0 -0
does onstad even work on this comic anymore?

refreshy +0 -0
All sings point to maybe.