11 Via Verde A companion to Chris Onstad's Achewood

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If you appreciate Achewood, please support Chris Onstad (shop; gallery art.)

Catching Up. Tuesday, November 11, 2008 • read strip Viewing 2049 comments:

mrfedora +0 -0
How has no one noticed that Little Nephew is dead yet?
I realize that there has been commotion and such, but really, Ray, can't you put World's Missingest Nephew into that fancy new record book of yours?

professorhazard +0 -0
I JUST TOLD YOU

GODDAMN

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Please be patient. He has short-term memory problems.

professorhazard +1 -0
Every day, he thinks it is the day before the big ski trip.

mrfedora +1 -0
Oh god!I remember now! There was an accident! How did I get so old?

biff +0 -0
By managing not to die.

It's the only way.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
So he spends the day packing and making peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches. Yes, I can see where that would be problematic.

drmemory +0 -0
I love Pat. He's Achewood's version of Porkypine.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Except not as likable.

drmemory +0 -0
Yes, Porkypine 1.2, bigass jerk module added.

jaldor +0 -0
Holy crap I am so proud of Roast Beef. Dude's come a long way.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
If Beef can do it, you other introverted nerds can too.

Beef! It's what's for Dinner!

sagoon +0 -0
good for beef.

sje46 +0 -0
What for beef?

theguitarhero +0 -0
who for beef?

professorhazard +0 -0
WHERE'S THE BEEF

tripleg +0 -0
how's the beef?

theguitarhero +0 -0
WHAT'S IN THE BEEF?!

(It's Brad Pitt's wife's head.)

mattylite +0 -0
[url=https://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,227858,00.html]This.[/i]

mattylite +0 -0
I mean, THIS.

nice-on-water +0 -0
YOU MEAN [B]THESE EYES/ KNIVES?[B]

nice-on-water +1 -0
HOLY DUMB FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU FUCKING FUCKBUTT SHIT THESE EYES/ KNIVES HOLY GOD SHIT WHORE

theguitarhero +0 -0
KNIFE EYES!

nice-on-water +0 -0
At least we meet again, KNIFE EYES!

I haven't seen you since the big shoot-out at MASSACRE HILL *

*Ed. note: see Volume 7, Issue 24 "Shoot-Out On Massacre Hill"

steev_dayv +3 -0
I'm just a knife. Knifin' around. Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut.


cut cut cut cut cut.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
Thank you, steev_dayv, who I always think of as "stevey_dave." I love that line.

steev_dayv +0 -0
Steve Dave from Mallrats. "Yeah, tell em Steve Dave"

kickstart +0 -0
Steev_dayv, you are very interesting, and VERY VERY perceptive!

em2 +1 -0
Would that I had the chubbies. But I do not. So never mind steev_dayv, we're talking about dragons.

20! Yes!

achilleselbow +3 -0

CUT! CUT! CUT!

daedala_x +0 -0
you know i had to chubby that. no one else seems to care, though.

belgand +1 -0
I cared, I was just out of erections.

theguitarhero +0 -0
DUDE.

belgand +0 -0
We agreed that the plural of "Chubby" is "erection" a while back. You should have gotten the memo.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Meme*

theguitarhero +0 -0
That's why I erected you...I thought it was funny.

If I was drinking a liquid it'd be on my computer screen.

belgand +0 -0
I wasn't trying to be funny. A while back while trying to work out the plural for "chubby" "erections" was suggested and widely approved. I've just been going with that.

theguitarhero +1 -0
It was funny to me, deal with it. Jeez.

tripleg +0 -0
My old nemesis BBCode ! And without your Perilous Mirror of Vor'tak(tm)! It seems I've got the drop on you, now!

zapatos +2 -0

nice-on-water +0 -0
This is too glorious to be true.

steev_dayv +0 -0
Knifin' Around. Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut

cut cut cut cut

steev_dayv +0 -0
More accurately, THIS!

nice-on-water +0 -0
SPOILERS GOD DAMN IT

theguitarhero +0 -0
The movies been out for what, ten years?

theguitarhero +0 -0
I didn't even mention how Brad Pitt is actually a figment of Edward Norton's imagination.

this explains everything.

sje46 +0 -0
I don't get what disorder that is. It's like schizophrenia and DID at the same time.
(DID=dissociative identity disorder. Multiple personalities)

tripleg +0 -0
i think he has an acute case of realistic enough for fiction metaphoritis

tekende +0 -0
That's because if you stop and think about it medium-hard for, like, two minutes, you realize that it's a really stupid movie.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I still need to know the name. I know I know the movie but I don't know the name.

theguitarhero +0 -0
The book was better, IMO, but I guess if you didn't like the movie you didn't like the book and if you don't like Fight Club the Novel you probably wouldn't like Fight Club the Bollywood Film and Fight Club the Musical or even Fight Club the Pamphlet.

or even any other works by palahniuk, but i think what's more important here is you are missing out on bollywood fight club tekende.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Ohhhh of course, Fight Club. So is that really about communists that fight each other, or is it not as dumb as 13 year old stoners make it sound?

theguitarhero +0 -0
Basically. There is also homoerotic subtext, but if you look hard enough you can find that in all Palahniuk books. In Lullaby he basically comes right out and says that one dude is having sex with another dude.

Fight Club is probably one of my favorite books, but yeah, other people ruin it.

sje46 +0 -0
I don't remember that in Lullaby.

I read that the homoerotic subtext was to prevent the viewer from guessing the twist.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I don't want to give away a major plot point, but Nash (that was the antagonists name right?) says he wants to fuck dead gals AND guys.

I can't go into the other MAJOR homoerotic, I guess not subtext but something similar because it's a spoiler.

sje46 +0 -0
Oh right. Nash. Man, I forgot that book fast.

I sorta remember the spoiler you're talking about. I don't know for sure exactly. . . . .

theguitarhero +0 -0
Hey guys, I'm about to post a spoiler . Can you all look away if you don't want to be spoiled?

the whole subplot about helen's soul going into Sarge's body, and I think after that cat is out of the bag Carl mentions that they still have sex but he thinks about Helen when they do.

tekende +0 -0
I've never read the novel, but I did read one page of it and I don't really think I can get through a whole novel written like that.

sje46 +0 -0
How is it a stupid movie? As far as I know, it doesn't have any continuity errors (although I do admit that it's pretty unrealistic).

achilleselbow +0 -0
I thought the movie was actually pretty good, though I was in high school when I saw it. Generally, I get the impression that a movie made from a Palahniuk book would generally be better than the source material, since you wouldn't have to deal with his awful prose, and contrived-sounding one-liners just work better in film than in text. I haven't seen Choke yet, but I heard they sort of made it into a comedy.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Well Choke IS supposed to be a dark romantic comedy, but they focused more on the COMEDY aspect and not so much on the DARK part.

but seriously, a mainstream movie based on Choke would not work, so it didn't work.

belgand +0 -0
Choke also wasn't that good of a book. I wanted to like it, but it never really came together for me. Apparently some people really like it, but I've found a lot of others who express indifference.

I still wish we'd gotten that adaptation of Survivor with Kevin Spacey.

tekende +0 -0
It's a stupid move because - SPOILER WARNING - if you think about it, the entire fight club came about because two dudes saw another dude beating himself up and decided this was a great idea and more people needed to be involved. (There's a number of other stupid little things similar to this throughout the movie.)

Also, you cannot shoot yourself and only kill one personality no matter how mentally ill you are.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Quote:

Also, you cannot shoot yourself and only kill one personality no matter how mentally ill you are.

And, you know this, how?

I'm not disagreeing with your opinion, it just seems silly you're investing so much reality-checks into an author's well-constructed psycho-fantasy.
In other words, you totally miss the point of the story.

tekende +0 -0
I get the point of the story. But the story is not, in my opinion, well-constructed. And the ending really angered me because it was both stupid and a total cop-out.

"Gee, everything else in my story has been at least somewhat realistic, but I can't figure out how to get rid of this dude so I'm going to make something physically impossible happen."

nice-on-water +0 -0
In this respect, there is a fine line between genius and lazy.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Except the angle at which he shot himself WOULDN'T kill him, it only tore open his cheek. The killing was metaphorical, the narrator eliminated his need for Tyler.

See, that's why the book is better because IT SAID THAT.

tripleg +0 -0
Quote:

Except the angle at which he shot himself WOULDN'T kill him, it only tore open his cheek. The killing was metaphorical, the narrator eliminated his need for Tyler.

See, that's why the book is better because IT SAID THAT.

the assumption we made, and i'm not sure why, was that he blew out his medulla oblongata which was the seat of aggression. in retrospect, it's a pretty terrible theory.

however, i continue to love that movie for it's violent campiness, it's quite deft handling of questions of identity and selfhood, and the fact that it, as a mainstream movie, did a great job delineating between sex and intimacy, as well as dissecting the anatomy of both.

also. you know. lots of fighting.

belgand +0 -0
The problem is the fighting really. That's what made the trailer for it make it seem like such a terrible movie. I, and others, got the impression that it was about a guy who falls in with Brad Pitt playing Hollywood Pretty Boy in an underground bare-knuckle boxing group and then it starts to get out of control.

Technically that is more or less correct, but also completely wrong.

I guess it's hard to deal with the deeper themes about male identity in the modern era, nihilism as a path to redemption, commentary on consumer culture, etc. but I know that when I first saw the trailer I thought it was just a lame movie where Brad Pitt hit things. Thankfully I read a bit more about it and was able to see while it was still in theaters.

That is a terrible theory though. I thought the film showed it visually pretty well by placing Tyler directly in the line of fire and showing him with his cheek torn open and no other serious damage.

True the book made it obvious as well, but it also kept up the hole in his cheek that never really closed up so he ended up with a Glasgow smile.

tripleg +0 -0
agreed. i went into it basically tabula rossa, as i had been kneedeep in the kissing disease for the big publicity buildup. having absolutely no idea what kind of film i was about to watch made it much more fun to follow along. and very few movies have spent as much time on detailing as that one, from the excellent ikea sweep of the apartment to all the little single frames of pitt, it's very rewarding to the attentive viewer.

sje46 +0 -0
That is very true. Most people don't even notice those little frames. It's actually a very good movie.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Yeah I didn't notice them until I tried watching it with commentary on (Brad Pitt is a pretentious douchebag btw and Helena is something like a 3 pack a day smoker) and they mentioned it.

Now I always catch them.

even in movies that brad pitt is not in.

sje46 +0 -0
Yeah, shortly after finding them all (there's like 6 or 7), I watched the last episode of Clone High, and there were a bunch of them in there. My eyes got used to seeing them.
I also always see those cigarette burns now.

belgand +0 -0
There are four. At the copier at work, at the doctor's office, at the testicular cancer meeting, and after leaving a meeting.

sje46 +0 -0
Only four? I suppose you're right.

But I can't forget the fifth, final one as well.

belgand +0 -0
Well, I wasn't counting when he shows up in the hotel video or when he appears on the moving walkway at the airport before they meet on the plane. Those were not done in the same style.

sje46 +0 -0
I was talking about the frame at the end, right before the credits.

belgand +0 -0
That was just a random shot from some porno.

sje46 +0 -0
Yes.

belgand +0 -0
Most people don't notice it the first time. A lot more pick up at least one or two the second time. Everyone, however, has been seeing them since everybody mentions it all the time now. Like how he's in the "Welcome!" scene on the hotel's little video.

belgand +0 -0
This is actually a decent theory, but since he is first seen in that and then on the moving walkway in the airport perhaps Tyler is a real guy. That is, he is based on a real guy that the narrator saw one time and subconsciously thought was cool. That he wanted to be like.

The difference between their meeting in the book and movie really says a lot about each version. I like them both, but realize that they are subtly and importantly different.

sje46 +0 -0
Baryd Pitt is a talented actor though.

tekende +1 -0
Brad Pitt is a very talented actor. I wish he weren't such a celebrity though. The more I see him on tabloid covers at the grocery store the harder it is for me to take him seriously in films.

tripleg +0 -0
i felt the book was a lot more masterful about it, but that would have been so out of place in the movie. it did inspire me to go out and try to replicate the sculpture, though

hedonismbot +0 -0
"Oh my god! An alive stuffed Brad Pitt!"

kamet +0 -0
Ooo... where do I sign up.

sje46 +0 -0
These two things bugged me too, but the first one really isn't that big a deal. I mean, it's not that they wanted to base the fight club after the fact a guy is beating himself up. They just wanted to get in a fight too, and once they did, they really liked it.

belgand +0 -0
In all fairness that bit has always bothered me as well.

nice-on-water +1 -0
It's for the sake of other people who know the movie without its name being mentioned but do not know what happens at the end.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I haven't even seen it I've had it spoiled myself I was just paying it forward .

Which is another movie I had spoiled for me.

In fact I think every Haley Joel-Osment movie was spoiled thanks to my dad.

Thanks alot, dad.

nice-on-water +0 -0
He must have some kind of plot where he makes you 1) hate him and 2) know the endings to every movie with a plot twist. But what ...

belgand +0 -0
Most movies with a plot twist are very obvious to spot because they keep using the same damn plot twists and attempts at distraction that everyone else has already used. That or like The Sixth Sense they ask you to just ignore them showing Bruce Willis totally getting shot in the first five minutes.

Fight Club actually had a really good twist and it worked well. I totally didn't see it coming until fairly close to the reveal when they started hinting pretty hard.

The Sting was totally not good to me because the twist was incredibly obvious. House of Games was enjoyable, but it too was really obvious.

Some free advice: almost every single movie about con men hinges on the fact that in the end the movie is trying to con you. Once you're in on this it's usually easy to spot.

It also helps to live your life constantly expecting that everyone is trying to con you in some, perhaps highly abstract and involved manner. Do not let them con you! You know their game!

stereo +0 -0
Really though, what's the point of watching a movie where the narrator lies to you ? What exactly are you watching, and why? It's fictional fiction, they're not even pretending that it happened or could happen.

daedala_x +0 -0
uh oh, somebody's getting a visit from the elbox fairy!

belgand +0 -0
You've gone where I can follow you. My issue is more with movies that have obvious plot twists and are completely worthless (or severely diminished) if you are never fooled.

Seriously, I loathed the Sixth Sense because there wasn't anything to it if you figured out the twist in the beginning. It just became tedious.

tripleg +0 -0
oh come on stereo. because it's fun. how far into the murder mystery did you solve it (if they're playing fair and you're fairly intelligent, it should come somewhere in the second act). just how are the cons going to pull of their heist? it's fun

stereo +0 -0
Yes, but what if the heist didn't actually happen, it's just some two-bit player trying to scam a police officer? What if the murder never happened, they just want you to pay $9 at the door?

I mean I can kinda see the intrigue of encountering it first hand, but a movie about it? Where they can do anything they want with the characters and you can't even tell what's real? It asplodes my head.

And no I wasn't talking about Fight Club, I picked that plot up pretty quickly, and the entire thing is not shot from Norton's perspective, so if you pay attention you can get a pretty good idea of what's actually going on.

tripleg +0 -0
i don't know man, those types of movies, when done well, seem to solicit audience participation in a way that tickles my dirigible. obviously we have different ideas about what tickles.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Quote:

Really though, what's the point of watching a movie where the narrator lies to you?

Calm down, Socrates.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
That's a great question, stereo. In fact, it's the best.
It leads up to the question of "What's the point of living life when the narrator lies to you ? What exactly are you watching, and why?"

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
p.s. Hint- Norton is the guy in the film who has been conned into lying to himself about what he is, what his life is, etc.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Okay, I didn't have to add that "Hint" shit. It was crappy.

sagoon +0 -0
good for beef.

sje46 +0 -0
Good for who?

theguitarhero +0 -0
Good for pork as well.

belgand +0 -0
Worcestershire sauce? Not really.

sagoon +0 -0
good for you, beef

sje46 +0 -0
Oh, thanks for clarifying. Good for you , Beef.
(My name isn't Beef.)

jonmw +0 -0
The real question here is whether Teodor will be attempting to improve Philippe's answer, or if he'll just say "...good enough" and leave it as it is?

theguitarhero +0 -0
It won't let me post anything :[

theguitarhero +0 -0
except this.

helter +0 -0
Pat uses Compuserve. This makes perfect sense.

helter +0 -0
And Firefox apparently hates me, which makes much less sense.

helter +0 -0
Pat uses Compuserve. This makes perfect sense.

theguitarhero +0 -0
It makes PERFECT sense!

nice-on-water +0 -0
You guys know what makes perfect sense?

tekende +1 -0
NOT YOUR FACE

achilleselbow +1 -0
I am replying to this so that I can chubby it.

sje46 +0 -0
You have made it quite clear today that you don't understand the chubbying/lame system.

nice-on-water +0 -0
And you've made it quite clear today that you don't understand the tense agreement system (though in this case the structure of the sentence is not completely dependent on it).

mattylite +1 -0
I have reached a few tense agreements in my life. Invariably they leave me feeling... awkward.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I reach them and they making me felt very good about myself.

achilleselbow +1 -0
Oh I do. But as Tekende mentioned earlier on the page, assetbar is acting up so that when you try to chubby something, it instead scrolls to the top of the page automatically. But if you post a reply below the comment you're trying to chubby, it somehow stabilizes the page.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Ack.

zapatos +0 -0
TEKENDE'S FACE

vermy +0 -0
Lyle must be passed out under the stairs again

ugarte +0 -0
I'm afraid I don't follow the Roastbeef/Molly thing.

I am impressed, though, with how well the first panel conveys that Cornelius is in the English countryside. He is, right?

achilleselbow +0 -0
Refer here .

achilleselbow +0 -0
Aw man, that would have been perfect for a rickroll. Damn my helpful instincts.

hamscout +0 -0
Especially with the Ugarte avataricon...

Reeek... You must help me, Reek!

rowboat +0 -0
Achilleselbow sticks his neck out for no man.

sje46 +0 -0
Even me?

endoftheworld +0 -0
Molly knows how to celebrate life's little victories.

pettytyrant +0 -0
Come again?

belgand +0 -0
No, that happens later. Beef feels self-conscious about a lady only getting there once per session.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I didn't realize I was Roast Beef?

belgand +0 -0
I did. Even earlier today I had deeply depressive issues and felt unable to either cook myself food or purchase food for myself due to having all this damn food in the house and not being worth spending almost $10 on food for just one meal out of my own laziness.

Sadly my own girlfriend (ironically enough, Holly) is out of town.

I do not, however, come from Circumstances.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Is she out of town, or are you back home in Wales?

belgand +0 -0
She is out of town. She was briefly banished to Canadia, but has since returned to our childhood home rather than spending the week with me.

Do not trust people who claim to have ever visited Wales. I do not think I need to explain why.

endoftheworld +1 -0
Molly knows how to celebrate life's little victories.

pettytyrant +0 -0
Oh, I see.

endoftheworld +1 -0
Molly knows how to celebrate life's little victories.

pettytyrant +0 -0
Alright man, I heard you! Sheesh.

sje46 +0 -0
endoftheworld is just very fond of saying certain things.

mattylite +0 -0
I tried to chubby all three of these but for some reason every time I hit Chubby it just takes me to the top of the page. What the FUCK, assetbar?

fineoakstructure +0 -0
I have also had this problem today at times.

lexsenthur +0 -0
Roast Beef: Overcoming depression one slice of toast at a time.

lexsenthur +0 -0
Roast Beef: Overcoming depression one slice of toast at a time.

lexsenthur +0 -0
Roast Beef: Overcoming depression one slice of toast at a time.

lexsenthur +0 -0
Roast Beef: Overcoming depression one slice of toast at a time.

professorhazard +0 -0
It looks like Wowhead exploded over here!

achilleselbow +0 -0
Apply directly to forehead.

daidai +6 -0
Speaking of really annoying commercials, what the HELL is up with the new Glade Plugin ads?

For those of you who somehow haven't seen them 2000 times, they go like this:

Bitch lights new Glade candles. Friends come over, they're all like "whats that smell". Bitch is all like, "Just some aromatherapy stuff I picked up in Sweden or some shit".

Then the friends see a Glade sticker on her ass and take it off, making fun of her saying: "Yeah, haven't you ever heard of Glad-ee?" They all laugh at the bitch. Bitch looks sad.


Ok. What the hell. Why is a company promoting the fact that their product is one that you should be ashamed of owning because it is classless and pedestrian?
I mean, doesn't that break the golden rule of marketing:

"Thou shall not make an ad which tells your customers that use of your product will cause their friends and family to despise and insult them."?

I mean, isn't it taught in every marketing school that the script which tells your customers that the product will ruin their relationships and destroy their lives, no matter how funny it is, is just the siren song of the unemployment fairy?

I'm just...confused here. Maybe I'm too worked up about this. But these ads are on ALL DAY and they are incredibly horrible. I just...I might have to give the puns thing a rest until I can kill the people behind this.

I got to take stock.

meddle +0 -0
Man I love gettin' all riled about advertising. I have not seen this ad, but my impression is that your interpretation is not what the advertiser intended. Sounds like a reasonable interpretation, and the fault lies with the advertiser for making a stupid commercial ambiguous on key points.
My recent favorite are billboards that say "ihatestevensinger.com". I was pretty confused so I checked it out, and apparently Steven Singer is a jeweler and dudes hate Steven Singer because the deals are so good they are forced to buy their significant others more jewelry? It is pretty stupid and unclear, but they did get me to go to their website.
I am going to try and not go find this Glade ad...

nice-on-water +0 -0
It will find you.

timmul +0 -0
that sort of campaign can get really annoying after the first time you see it

https://www.flickr.com/groups/ihatesarahmarshallgraffiti/pool/

I thought these were clever when I saw them though.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Holy fuck YES I hate those goddamn WHORES that put her down. She's obviously not very confident, and why she has guests over is beyond me. Looks like they forced their pompous fat asses in to her house when she was TRYING TO RELAX in the middle of her horribly stressful life. And they still fuck it up. FUCK I NEED GLADE CANDLES

daedala_x +8 -0
she lights a candle and is trying to relax when a man knocks at the door. she goes to open it and grins at us cuz we're in on the joke, ahyuck!

"mm baby, what is that great smell?"

"just these european oil candles i got in sicily, europe."

"damn, what's this wrapper you got stuck to your shirt. oh shit girl, you are just cheap as hell, oh this is just NASTY. i was aroused, but i am no longer sure i feel that way"

"oh please ben, don't go. i'll do anything, please don't tell everyone i use glade candles!!"

"will you let me hit it up the butt?"

GLADE.

nice-on-water +0 -0
"Sometimes you just need to be treated like scum to let you know you're still human. GLADE."

achilleselbow +0 -0
You know, as opposed to Sicily, Africa.

nice-on-water +2 -0
It might as well be Africa.

::gets shot by Christopher Walken::

especial +0 -0
Ha, nice. I chubby you for the reference. You know what reference it was.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I do indeed.

::winks and puts finger against side of nose::

mattylite +0 -0
I'm no business expert, but I think the rules changed and now all they care about is that you remember the brand name. And you do. So it worked. You done got advertised on, man.

edwell +3 -0
Quote:

Perhaps you've seen those bizarre, new commercials in which three WNBA players belittle their own product.

Candace Parker: "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch women's basketball."

Cheryl Ford: "I'm afraid of contact, so you could post me up all day long."

Tamika Catchings: "No offense, but women's basketball is a joke."

At the end of each spot, the words "She Wouldn't Say That" come up on the screen, followed by, "Would You?"

(But...but...why not just explain how the women's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?)

i_love_kate +0 -0
Yes! They still comment!

hedonismbot +0 -0
How dare they say that? Death by snoo-snoo!

belgand +0 -0
If she is afraid of contact how can we post her all day long? Or is this just the case of a woman sending weirdly mixed messages about what she desires sexually and how she will feel about it later?

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I really think the women's players need to be miked so the audience can hear them talking trash. SOMEONE is missing a big ass bet there. Might have to move it to Showtime, but still....

glorify +0 -0
I am taking great pleasure in your anger

tekende +0 -0
I think mattylite is correct but that commercial is still really stupid.

mattylite +1 -0
The way to fight stupid commercials is to somehow* force yourself to forget what they were for.

*Beer (not the one whose commercial you remember)

stereo +0 -0
But... how do you forget beer commercials?

stereo +0 -0
Wait, there's more than one type of beer where you come from?

woodenteeth +0 -0
... or don't watch TV much! Wait. No. That makes every stupid commercial even less tolerable.

zapatos +0 -0
I told my friend, as he ordered a bud light and I drank my Drop Top, "Coy you are not drinking beer. Have you seen a commercial for bud light, what do they advertise?"
Women and parties and being crazy.
"Good. Now what do beers such as Guinness show in their advertisements?"
Beer. They show you the beer you want to drink.
"I hope you enjoy your six dollar urine."

sje46 +0 -0
"It's cain .. . .and able"

belgand +0 -0
You make a very valid point, but what I think they wanted to do is say how Glade smells like an expensive product. The friend then make fun of her for being so vain as to try to pass off Glade -- which has been established to smell awesome -- as something fancy and expensive to gain dickish yuppie status points. They are not making fun of her for using Glade, but for trying to pretend that she needs to use something expensive when everyone knows that Glade is awesome.

Still, it's a tricky point and they probably should have thought it through a bit more.

The important thing is that people who light candles expressly for a scent are douches. That is not the purpose of candles. We already have things to provide scents. Yeah candles go well with incense, but I like to keep my odors and my gentle lighting separate.

autrepoupee +1 -0
Who the hell has that much of an opinion on people who light candles and what their motives might be

sje46 +5 -0
The Nazis.

sje46 +0 -0
I mean, if you think about it.

rowboat +0 -0
I did. At first I thought it was just a non sequitur. Then I thought about it for two seconds and realized that it was hella poignant.

autrepoupee +0 -0
SJE, you have proven yourself wise beyond your hate of Swedish Fish.

You are welcomed back into the 19 Year Olds for Assetbar Awareness & Safety sub-committee, dear lad!

sje46 +0 -0
Yay!!!

daedala_x +0 -0
seriously. for a 19 year old kid, sje, you're mighty clever.

sje46 +0 -0
Thanks guys.

When I posted this I had an epiphany where I realized I really amn't the idiot I made myself out to be.

woodenteeth +0 -0
No. You really amn't.

zapatos +0 -0
amn't would work, well it works for me. I don't like all of the rules, so it is good to ignore some of them.

"When I posted this I had an epiphany where I realized I really am not the idiot I made myself out to be."

See, just perfect and dandy.

sje46 +0 -0
I also like to combine "you're" and "aren't" to form, thus, "you'ren't".
"You'ren't going to drink that whole thing, are you?"
Five minutes later . . ..
"I shouldn't've'd dranken that whole thing."

Point: messing with English is fun.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Hell of fun. You have to know it well to mess with it well.

hamscout +0 -0
People find me fascinating because of all the interesting word usements I structure.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Reverse syntax, compound contractions (I'm'nt, shouldn't'v'd, etc); it's what makes me me. Also random language changes, archaic phrases: I start stories with "Say, fellas..." and when I see a friend coming I tell him to "Setze on your Platz, there" which would be my Germanglish equivalent of "pop a squat." And my accent helps.

Anything to stand out, man.

mattylite +0 -0
*hugs sje*

belgand +0 -0
I have a strong opinion on pretty much everything.

achilleselbow +0 -0
I used to think that too, especially about politics. But when I filled out my NJ absentee ballot, there was a ballot initiative about whether the state should be required to seek voter approval for the issuance of state bonds. I was like dammit, can't I just say what I think about gay marriage?

belgand +0 -0
The thing is I still care very deeply. I just now care about doing plenty of research and making an informed decision on the issue!

Ultimately the issue of whether voter approval should be necessary for issuance of bonds is a complex and interesting one with valid arguments on both sides.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
"It's totally gay."

achilleselbow +0 -0
But it's also totally marriage.

zapatos +0 -0
No man, they are saying that their shit is like... fauxe Swedish and everything Swedish is awesome. Such as:
Swedish Fish
Ikea
AndersLovesMaria
theKnife
Candles
Anal Sex
Back Massages
The first season of Friends
The second season of Sex in the City
Wal-E
Walmart
Wallstreet
Sesame Street
OthershitthatmaynotbeSwedish

daedala_x +0 -0
At the Gates
In Flames
Soilwork
Dark Tranquillity
Arch Enemy
Amon Amarth
Hammerfall
Dissection
Opeth
Dark Funeral
Really Hot Women

hedonismbot +0 -0
Me
The Swedish Chef
A general hatred of food
Frostbite
Mooserape (we invented it long before Canadia existed)

timmul +0 -0
Pluxus
Slagsmålsklubben (secretly also Pluxus)
specifically not Häagen-Dazs

sje46 +0 -0
I don't like Swedish fish.

I'm sorry guys. Please don't hate me.

hedonismbot +0 -0
If you mean the candy, it is okay that you don't like them. They are not really Swedish. If you are talking about real fish, then you have no sense of taste. Who wouldn't like rotted, lye-coated fishgoop? Seriously. Lutefisk. Fucking gramma forcefeeding me rotting soapfish

autrepoupee +0 -0
NO, it is NOT OKAY to not like Swedish Fish the candy!

You hear me SJE, bad !

sje46 +0 -0
*cries*

I can't do NOTHING right!

timmul +0 -0
have you ever tried cooking spaghetti?

nice-on-water +0 -0
Kannst du Spaghetti kochen?

I'm really sorry. My professor has used this example a minimum of 15 times in the past 3 classes, I had to. It's a joke only I would get and I regret it.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Everyone knows that anal sex is actually Greek.

zapatos +0 -0
I hope that people know most things in my list were not Swedish. It was the end of my shift, my eyes were blurring, and... well yes. It was nice to write though.

timmul +0 -0
I knew the second season of sex in the city wasn't nearly good enough to be swedish. but I just couldn't prove it.

sje46 +0 -0
Huh?

nice-on-water +0 -0
<-man with small head and hands on hips

nice-on-water +0 -0
One might say arms akimbo.

tekende +0 -0
One might if one went to talk like a dick school.

No, no, I kid. I used to write Batman fanfic for this one website, and I used the phrase "arms akimbo" a number of times. No one ever knew what the hell it meant.

nice-on-water +0 -0
It's a fun phrase and apparently it's the name of a Freakzoid villain. I was watching it years after I had stopped watching it regularly and I said "OH MY GOD HIS NAME IS ARMS AKIMBO YES."

tekende +0 -0
Awesome! Man, Freakazoid was the shit. Unfortunately, I never got to watch it much as a kid since it was always on TV while I was at church.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Dang old church. I assumed every episode I saw was a rerun because it was on at like 3:30 in the afternoon most times, but either way half the stuff was hilarious and the other half was over my head. I can now appreciate things like Arms Akimbo.

steev_dayv +0 -0
I love getting jokes I never got in WB cartoons years later. Animaniacs is pretty funny when you get the cultural relevance.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Histeria too.

belgand +0 -0
Animaniacs also taught you to get cultural references and, by extension, to learn a lot more about culture.

I was a bit older when it was on and I feel confident that I got most of the references.

Also, reading Mad is generally fairly good for this as well. At least, it used to be. Best to stick with the various special issues where they almost exclusively run content from the 60s and 70s for that. That way you'll get references to A Clockwork Orange, The Graduate, and Midnight Cowboy when you're 12.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I wondered how you kids were so tight with all that.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh sure, we talk big game; we say we read Ulysses in 6th grade (actually I had a friend who did that and gave up in disgust); we say we debated Kierkegaard in preschool and laughed over Lenny Bruce and George Carlin on the playground, but honestly, the only way to get to know the content is to be shown the source, and what better way than to have Freakazoid holler in a faux-Yiddish tone or have Sigmund Freud drawn as/ speak as Woody Allen on Histeria?

stereo +0 -0
Someone gave me Great Expectations when I was in grade 5. I don't think I read it until 7 or 8 years later...

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
He had Great Expectations for you.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Not as good as you thought it would be?

*JOKE*

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I still like it.

stereo +0 -0
Really though, naming your kid Philip Pirrip is just asking to be murdered.

hedonismbot +0 -0
My favorite dude from Freakazoid was always Candlejack. Second was probably the Evil Midnight Bomb...

nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh man, Candlejack is a close second to Arms Akimbo. I just love the Charity Hero/Villain Softball Game (with Charlton Heston as umpire) backstory.

tripleg +0 -0
by repeating the name of the product and starting a thread such as this, you have become a stealth marketer. i hope you're proud.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Holy shit, he COULD be an undercover Glade representative.

GLADE. It does the body bad.

daidai +0 -0
And with the discovery of his secret, another of Daidai's plans failed.

Operation: kill nice-on-water moved into step one.

theguitarhero +0 -0
oh are we doing this again?

woodenteeth +0 -0
Can you just hurry up and fail at this one too.

daidai +0 -0
I...you...not all of them...

I will begin work on a new plan.

woodenteeth +1 -0
And with the discovery of his secret, that all his plans failed, Operation: drink until daidai gets slightly overweight and morose and spends most of his time at Karaoke bars crooning for women 15 years his senior that cluck over him and secretly want to sleep with him but also have their own planned failures holding them back, moved into Step: Oh shit, I tripped and fell and I can't get up.

daidai +0 -0
They say they aren't interested, but we both know they want it.

woodenteeth +0 -0
I'll level with ya. I'm a singer as well and spent a good 2 years in vocal hell as a Karaoke host. I know those women. I know them.

[not biblically]

daidai +0 -0
For a second, I was REALLY freaked out that you knew I was a singer.

Then I remembered the whole "painkiller/surgery debacle".

But before I remembered that, I was legitimately terrified and checked my windows. No, not kidding.

woodenteeth +0 -0
I figured you may have forgotten that episode. Still, check your windows anyway.

Orrrhhhh, stop that. You're too cute.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You knew them biblically.

belgand +0 -0
Cougaroake. Do not make this a thing. That it already exists is scary enough.

zapatos +0 -0
All cats are gray in the dark, and a more grizzled beast may be missing a paw but at least they have adventures to share.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
It is a thing in Achewood Hell.

catgrl131 +0 -0
Found it! The video's a little out of sync, but I think you can figure it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebK0RuZQ7Jk

autrepoupee +1 -0
You know what the worst commercial on right now is? That one about the firefighters in Congress.

Number One) Why are they sooty? If they are now Congressman, they have no reason to be covered in ashes and soot.

Number Two) The world is not so simple that every Schmo is capable of running it. To suggest it is is a grossly anti-intellectual statement.

Number Three) Come on, you know they'd be chili-napping and lifting weights five of the six hours they had to work.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
ARREST THEM ALL!

tekende +0 -0
That commercial bugs me too.

Yeah, clean water is good, yes, but what are the specifics of this plan? Are there things in it that could be used for other, less legitimate purposes? Are there any expensive riders on the bill? THESE THINGS NEED TO BE DISCUSSED, YOU CAN'T JUST VOTE

theguitarhero +0 -0
The roadie one is way better and actually makes sense, since a roadie COULD handle running the components of the airline depicted.

belgand +0 -0
It depends heavily on the person, but canonically many roadies have trouble running their lives. People don't usually expect much of a guy who's primary job function is to move heavy things around without damaging it. The latter being the crucial difference between roadies and just about every other profession that involves people who move heavy things for a living.

stereo +0 -0
Basically what you're saying is that nobody cries at a Fedex guy's funeral.

belgand +0 -0
Probably people who knew him personally do, just not people who had to receive his packages.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Your mom received my package last night.

theguitarhero +1 -0
In her MAIL SLOT AMIRITE?!?!?!?!

GUYS. GUYS. FIVE ME BRO.

daedala_x +0 -0
she opened my package to find ten containers of ten different kinds of dips, each with 1/5 of the dip left inside.

she could not combine them.

no one was around to finish them.

that's when things got a little bit CRAZY.

belgand +0 -0
What kinds of dips? If they were sour cream-based I don't think they would have shipped very well.

daedala_x +0 -0
oh i delivered it by hand. i wouldn't dream of having them go bad so she could throw them away.

i hid in the bushes and waited.

...


here are some of her screams.

belgand +0 -0
Stop making me fall into platonic Internet love with you.

mattylite +0 -0
Lexsenthur: Overcoming assetbar four posts at a time.

mattylite +0 -0
(see, this used to be right after one of those triple-comments from that time when assetbar was all fucked up)

lexsenthur +0 -0
Oh my stars and garters.

dasilodavi +0 -0
Despite prior expression of my distaste for Little Nephew in strips past, I couldn't help but wonder how his foray into the after life has been going. Thanks to the final panel, I now know he's doing well, and can comfortably go back to ignoring him.

"You never know the desire of declaring first post until you have the opportunity to do so."

dasilodavi +0 -0
Despite prior expression of my distaste for Little Nephew in strips past, I couldn't help but wonder how his foray into the after life has been going. Thanks to the final panel, I now know he's doing well, and can comfortably go back to ignoring him.

dasilodavi +0 -0
Despite prior expression of my distaste for Little Nephew in strips past, I couldn't help but wonder how his foray into the after life has been going. Thanks to the final panel, I now know he's doing well, and can comfortably go back to ignoring him.

dasilodavi +0 -0
OK, I was worried I was going to be flamed for this. It's comforting to know we're all having "issues" with Assetbar today.

tekende +1 -0
Yeah, but...why is there an extra sentence in the first post?

especial +0 -0
This is something I, too, am wondering.

dasilodavi +0 -0
Brief explanation: when I first tried to post I saw no posts, so I thought I was first. Then I reloaded, saw stuff going on, and realized I wasn't. Then, apparently, I tried posting again, thinking the first one didn't take. This will most likely not happen again.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
It's a blip in the Matrix.

theguitarhero +0 -0
As someone who is often the guy who sucks (and who has depression) I can attest that having a significant other that is willing to take care of you and cheer you up is just as good as medication and therapy.

Obviously if you are clinically diagnosed as depressed seek medical depression, but if you are like me and beat yourself up way more than you should, seek a lover.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Your well-intentioned advice merely opens up another bigger can of worms for him/her.

But now, don't you go getting depressed over that. I do not give you permission to get depressed over my observation. DON'T YOU DO IT!

sje46 +1 -0
The problem is that many depressed people feel unable to find a lover. A lot of them also think that this is the only way for them to be happy, and then they feel as if there is no hope.

theguitarhero +0 -0
While this is true (my significant other's sister is a prime example) it does help?

IDK maybe I'm just fucked up.

sje46 +0 -0
I think that I would be sooooo happy with a nice girl, but I have no self-confidence with them so I don't even try.

zapatos +0 -0
I can be your wing man, nice girls hate me. We will go out, I will try and bone everyone. The ones who don't like it are nice girls... or huge bitches.

We need to try SJE, for the safety of your future.

sje46 +0 -0
What if girls aren't attracted to guys with half-beards anyway?

zapatos +0 -0
Yeah right man, girls totally love the half beard. Some girls like a clean shaven man, some ladies enjoy a bit of a tickle. They appreciate my sensitivty and foresight.

Also you can say, "Hi I think we should maybe kiss and talk a bit. No? Well look at that guy, at least I'm cuter than him right?" And instant makeouts.

kickstart +0 -0
and then in the morning, Carnation Instant Breakfast.

belgand +0 -0
That stuff is the shit.

bengreens +0 -0
Is it still around? My favorite flavor was always vanilla. Man, that reminds me of Carnation malted milk powder, which reminds me of Horlicks Malted Milk tablets. Do THOSE exist anywhere on the planet still? Loved 'em. Hmmm, maybe that's how I started liking pills so much.

catgrl131 +1 -0
Quote:

if you are clinically diagnosed as depressed seek medical depression

Just want to give you a chance to look over that sentence again...

woodenteeth +0 -0
Medical Depression. The come down after Zoloft?

theguitarhero +0 -0
HELP.

Or depression whatever floats your boat.

zapatos +0 -0
Usually water. Water usually floats my boat.

Bath water. Rub a dub dub, having fun in the tub!

tripleg +0 -0
buoyancy usually floats mine

ethelthefrog +0 -0
Man, bath toys were the best. Bath time was completely play time. Those were happy baths. Nowadays I just stand under the shower like an elephant getting hosed off, and hope that the hot water will do something to loosen the tension in my upper back. And lower back. My whole damn back hurts all dang day.

sje46 +0 -0
Bath time is happy time!

Where did I leave my rubber ducky?

sje46 +0 -0
rubary* ducky

sje46 +0 -0
I demand a shrubary!

tekende +0 -0
Hey sje, I saw a porno once where this girl couldn't find her rubber ducky in the tub, and then this DUDE comes up out of the bath water, wearing a rubber ducky MASK, and starts fucking her, and he QUACKED while he was fucking her! It was the most disturbing porn I'd ever seen; I don't recommend you look it up.

sje46 +0 -0
WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN.

You know how hard it is for a five-year-old to keep his innnocence around here?

zapatos +0 -0
That is super awesome, are you being serious? If you are not then can I steal your idea and thy to pass it off with my director? That would be bary cool.

tekende +0 -0
I'm totally serious. It stars Melissa Ashley, who usually gets my motor going like no other porn actress out there, but that video was just way too weird.

hedonismbot +0 -0
I just googled her. She's.... Built differently.

tekende +0 -0
What can I say? I dig her type.

tekende +0 -0
(Here I am assuming that Google gave you the right results and not pictures of some girl with a lizard's head or something.)

hedonismbot +0 -0
She is a lady that makes most ladies feel very portly. I am far chestier than this lady.

I'd still hit it.

daedala_x +0 -0
she has a rockin' body but kind of a weird face. *shrugs*

steev_dayv +0 -0
This is an internal dialogue that happens often. God...that body. But god that face!

hedonismbot +1 -0
The term is 'butterface'. Ex:
Me: Good lord I'd eat scrambled eels off her ass
You: You can't have sex with that walrus-mouth
Me: HAVE YOU SEEN HER FORTY POUND ASS?
You: But her face! BUTTERFACE!!!

tekende +0 -0
I like her face. I think the main appeal for me is that she looks normal, you know? Not like she's half plastic and half makeup.

That and I like small boobs I cannot lie you other brothers can't deny

stereo +0 -0
It's ok, I too like normal boobs. I mean there's that gut appeal to big ones, but for all practical purposes I see nothing better than a small pair.

timmul +0 -0
I once wrote a hip-hop ode to the small chested woman:

Lemme see those dippin' dots. those dippin dots. lemme' see those dippin dots, those dippin' dots.

tekende +0 -0
Hilarious.

If Dippin' Dots are "the ice cream of the future," why do we still have ice cream? And why do Dippin' Dots taste like shit?

I often posit that Dippin' Dots are, in fact, merely the little circles of paper left over from three-hole punchers.

achilleselbow +0 -0
You are wrong.

daedala_x +0 -0
the man makes many good points. the only reason i eat ice cream over dippin dots is because dippin dots are about ten times more expensive. ice cream is drippy and gross and makes people smell like cheese. everytime i agree with the views ironically expressed in an onion article, i just feel like such a dick.

daedala_x +0 -0
once during yaknow i clucked like a chicken. i might've flapped my arms a bit too. i don't think the dude found it very arousing though.

zapatos +0 -0
Then he is NO man.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Is he..is he a cock?

zapatos +0 -0
Obviously not that either, or he'd be turned on.

Like I was and I am a cock.

achilleselbow +0 -0

steev_dayv +1 -0
WHAT DO WE WANT?

hamscout +0 -0
YAK NOW!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

COW!

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
MOO to THAT!

belgand +0 -0
Girls do not like it when you call them by their twin sister's name. Even if they're not identical. Even if they know you've never had a thing for her sister and don't always even get along very well. They do not like that.

It's my innate impulse to make a joke about something and it often works out badly like that.

belgand +0 -0
There was also a totally freaky porno where a lady was in a threesome with a pair of dude dressed like Pterodactyls. It was up on Pornotube a while back. Completely freaky.

That tub scene, however, awesome, awesome to the MAX.

tekende +0 -0
Ha, I need to find that.

I showed the duck thing to my friends this evening. They were pretty creeped out by it as well. Also, I watched the end of it this time. The dude ejaculates onto the rubber duck and the girl licks his cum off it.

belgand +0 -0
Basically only girls get bath toys anymore. You should find a girl and see if she'll let you play with her.

zapatos +0 -0
Now I do not fit in the bathtub very well, or my knees stick out and get chilly.

This is when we move to a hot tub, ah yes.

featurelessvoid +6 -0
The family of medicines known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Turbochargers (SSRTs) have been clinically proven to help patients who suffer from depression and want to amplify that suffering.

The newest of the SSRTs is Noloft. Already hailed as a wonder drug, Noloft has broken all previous sales records in Norway and Pittsburgh.

Three out of four toll booth workers recommend Noloft.

Talk to your doctor to find out if Noloft is right for you. Side effects include headaches, dizziness, and sexual side-effects resulting from unprotected hookups with roadies backstage at a Cure concert. Amalgamated Biogenics, makers of Noloft, would like to remind you that it is silly to like the Cure. If you take blood thinning medication or heroin, be sure to talk to your doctor before taking Noloft to avoid a potentially serious side-effect. Women who are or may potentially become pregnant should double their intake of Noloft, because it's not like the fetus can drive itself to the pharmacy, now is it?

sje46 +0 -0
Did you know that you can't overdose on SSRIs?

redphillip +0 -0
Oh, sje, not true. It's rare, but you can do serious grief to yourself with an overdose of SSRIs. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin_syndrome .

sje46 +0 -0
. . .my psychology professor lied to me.

"hyperactive bowel sounds". Yikes.

Isn't it odd when you see a purple link on Wikipedia, and you simply have no idea when or why you went there? Why did I look up Libby Zion?

hamscout +0 -0
I got halfway into that paragraph before I realized you weren't talking about the S.T.S.S.T.

redphillip +0 -0
Man,I got myself into hella big trouble when I was clinically diagnosed as depressed and then sought out medical depression . That was way worse than just clinically diagnosed depression. The hospital, the locked section, the 'quiet room', the painfully lame group sessions, the horrifying wiped expression on the drooling faces of those poor fucks just returned from electroshock. Much, much worse.

Seeking a lover might work, cause you might get dinner made occasionally and maybe get laid some, but if you seek a lover and get shot down because, well, you're just way too depressing to be around for fuck's sake, I mean you're just gonna get still yet more depressed. This is all dangerous ground guy.

By way of ameliorating that grim stuff, I can say that those exceptionally bad times were more than 35 years ago, so surviving it all is possible. I still have depression, but it's manageable, and I'm still a guy who sucks, quite remarkably well if I say so myself. Living well may be the best revenge, but simply continuing to live is sometimes a damn good second-best.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Find a lover. Just find one and the one you find will make you happy, IDK what more to say, I only said it because obviously it worked for Beef and it's working for me, so maybe you have to be a cartoon cat or me for it to work I DON'T KNOW.

redphillip +0 -0
Yes it can work, and when it does it's a very good thing. In my case I was seriously crazy long before I was anywhere near being old enough to be in any kind of relationship, so I had to get past that before being in love/finding a lover was something I could even attempt. I've been lucky to have had several great relationships since, even one that was for richer or poorer, in sickness and health until death did us part. The danger of having one's mental stability attached so tightly to a relationship is that relationships end, one way or another (people change, people die, stuff happens, etc.). If in the interim you've not found some other way of managing depression, you're sort of dumped back where you started. On the plus side, the longer you function free of serious depression the more not being depressed gets to be its own sort of habit, and the easier it is to get out of a bad patch if one comes along. Plus the right, good drug, a psych who's not a fuckwit (h/t Dr. Skradley), and other good suggestions here at the bar. (I have to say I've had lovers who made me anything but happy, but them's other stories.)

drskradley +0 -0
These days, I find that a psychologist that isn't a fuckwit works pretty good, too.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Hah! Good luck finding one of THOSE!

Heh.

drskradley +0 -0
I was waiting for your reaction to this, actually.

woodenteeth +0 -0
In short, I agree with your first statement. Finding one that can read your personality and work well with can be difficult.

tripleg +0 -0
man, i am printing this out and carrying it around in my wallet as a reminder, dogg

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
i lost my mind 36 years ago. Almost to the day. This was the best thing that ever happened to me.

fancypants +0 -0
dogg i cannot broke on lil nephew's gossamer goatee

theguitarhero +0 -0
What was that?

nice-on-water +0 -0
He cares not for Phil Nebula's Gothic art boat flea?

daidai +0 -0
You'll have to speak up, I'm deaf.

fancypants +0 -0
dogg i cannot broke on lil nephew's gossamer goatee

theguitarhero +2 -1
Oh ok.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Silly me.

daidai +0 -0
What?

nice-on-water +0 -0
What?

wozzeck +0 -0
Well played.

tripleg +0 -0
a spider covets

delzhand +0 -0
Aw yeah! Beef finally bites into the toast!

pberard +0 -0
Not bad!

esselfortium +0 -0
The rubbing of babies is a mountain-lion pastime which Philippe is not yet old enough to partake in.

sje46 +0 -0
You have to be at least eight.

missbee +0 -0
Poor Phillipe will never know its joys.

heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh man. The third row of panels actually filled me with genuine happiness. You go, Beef! You chew that toast!

sje46 +0 -0
You chew that toast until you are so . .. . . not depressed?

lateadopter +5 -0
Until it is so chewed.

sje46 +0 -0
Beautiful.

noah_j +0 -0
is like, best chew

ethelthefrog +0 -0
The chewedest it is ever being.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I was like CHEW...CHEW...CHEW...CHEW...CHEW...

zapatos +0 -0
I'm fairly sure that if one's spirit isn't lightened by such a display, they are a heartless beast.

glorify +0 -0
Pat is so angry about his washer and dryer. He's been hurt in the past, people!

nice-on-water +0 -0
I hope this post repeats 3 times.

daidai +0 -0
I hope this post repeats 3 times.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I hope this post repeats 3 times.

(Thank you)

jbushnell +0 -0
I hope this post repeats 3 times.

...

Motherfucker!!!!

nice-on-water +0 -0
4 GODDAMN IT. FUCK.

lateadopter +0 -0
I've just been hoping that the same people would give exactly the same replies to all these multi-posts, so the whole thread is identical. It would be more difficult to replicate the lames/chubbies, though.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Indeed. What.

ashoykh +3 -0
Cornelius, spending his last years talking to an computer program of a Finch. Been there, done that. Not playing that game anymore.
Ray, duped by Guinness Book of World Records into thinking that their records had Glory. Been there, done that. Not playing that game anymore.
Phillippe, rubbing some mountain lion cubs, and getting mauled. Been there, done that. Not playing that game anymore.
Roast Beef, not having the will to chew, toast stuck to his lips. He's been there, done that. Not playing that game anymore.
Little Nephew, still playing that game.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Do we all acknowledge the irony of Little Nephew's new seemingly permanent status among 17th century dead people in comparison to his former life of constant fight to be as hip and modern as possible? I hope we do. I hope we do.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
He's got his best game and a guy schooling him in it day in, day out. Maybe it is ironic.
I think we need the arc where Molly's entire family get wiped out in the Mrymwhrrnn mining disaster....and she never hears about it. We need that for closure.
Or was it a epidemic?
Yes, we need that.

belgand +0 -0
I'm not so certain it's that permanent. Basically most of the major cast member have been dead at at least one point or another. Or rather, Beef (three times), Ray (once), Molly (once), Todd (season pass), and even Teodor had at least a near-death experience.

nice-on-water +0 -0
This is more of an in-between death, though. They're not in heaven. It seems to be more of a purgatory. And besides, he's with a family that has had 1 of (something like) 19 people return in 400 years. They don't let go easy. Granted, Ray might Get Things Done in the space of 6 panels but if he does I don't see it happening for a while; LN is one of many of Ray's antagonists, so he probably won't get any special favors for another few months or something.

belgand +0 -0
I think it's an issue that they're not trying to get back or being consumed in any apartment fires. I'm sure that life is just a murder act or Stuckey's (same difference I'm told) away.

jetbunny +0 -0
What's more impressive is that he's still playing that game in a world with no electricity.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You.dont.need.electricity.in.Purgatory

This is known.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Damnit, Assetbar's not loading.

metatronatra +0 -0
Whoa, check out little neph's afterlife video game-induced beard. Or maybe he was older than we thought but he's become unkempt since getting a cap busted in his bird's nest

oingoboingirl +0 -0
I can safely say that this is the first time I've ever teared up at the sight of someone biting through a piece of toast.

oingoboingirl +1 -0
I can safely say that this is the first time I've ever teared up at the sight of someone biting through a piece of toast.

belgand +0 -1
No, this would be the second time.

oingoboingirl +1 -0
I can safely say that this is the first time I've ever teared up at the sight of someone biting through a piece of toast.

achilleselbow +3 -0
Now it's the third.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Look at all those indifferent Vyvyans.

oingoboingirl +0 -0
whoa, sorry. for some reason my home computer wasn't displaying any comments and I panicked.

nice-on-water +0 -0
It's been happening all day for a bunch of people; no worries, from the rest of Assetbar to you.

rowboat +0 -0
Man, I fucking guarantee that I'm on a shittier computer than anyone else here and none of this has happened to me even once!

rowboat +0 -0
Man, I fucking guarantee that I'm on a shittier computer than anyone else here and none of this has happened to me even once!

rowboat +0 -0
Man, I fucking guarantee that I'm on a shittier computer than anyone else here and..... PSYCH, BITCHES!!

nice-on-water +0 -0
YOU. CHEEKY. MOTHER. FUCKING. THING.

edwell +2 -0
My computer "runs" on Windows 98. It crashes every time if you quit Photoshop 7.0 and re-open it without rebooting. It has no Ethernet port, only a 56K modem which actually connects at 33.6 or less. It fails to meet the minimum system requirements for Grand Theft Auto III (released six years ago). Its sound card is currently silent due to a seemingly unfixable driver issue, and some time ago a large crack mysteriously appeared next to the floppy disk drive.

Unless you're visiting Assetbar from a calculator, I question your guarantee.

noah_j +0 -0
TI-87 BITCHES

rowboat +0 -0
I use a 7-year-old eMac.

I don't know anything about computers, but I like to imagine that the asshole of every nerd up in this place just got tight as a drum when they heard that.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
rowboat likes to think about our puckered up assholes.

Rock on, rowboat

nice-on-water +0 -0
*

it's an asshole

stereo +0 -0
> bugger that asshole

steev_dayv +0 -0
give it as good rogering

noah_j +0 -0
to give an idea of the maturity of this forum, above is it's picture of an asshole.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I draw my influences from Vonnegut and I draw my assholes from asterisks.

rowboat +0 -0
Yeah! What was that? Hocus Pocus? I can't put my finger on it....

nice-on-water +0 -0
Breakfast of Champions?

sje46 +0 -0
Yes.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I knew that was right (I posted it); I was just ?-ing for rowboat's benefit, like a "Ring a bell?" type deal.

woodenteeth +0 -0
What the hell is someone as Photoshoppy as you doing with a shitty computer. I think it might be Assetbar Charity Drive time!

irondave +0 -0
You are telling me that you create the world's most humorous Photoshops on that piece of shit? It's like you are some kind of ascetic holy man of technology.

autrepoupee +0 -0
Seriously, it's like when you hear that the guy who wrote The Wind in the Willows was rubbing shit in his hair in some mental ward in the 1920s.

oh man i hope you guys i already knew that about that guy

heccibiggs +0 -0
I did not.

steev_dayv +0 -0
One man's waste is another man's...soap.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Nutrient-enriched conditioner/shampoo that fortifies as it refreshes for supreme volume and hold.

Shit.

steev_dayv +0 -0
The size of a quarter in my palm? That's all I need?

nice-on-water +0 -0
A quarter-sized dollop of shit in your hair, yes.

achilleselbow +0 -1
My roommate's mom was on the Today Show this morning giving Kathie Lee Gifford a bird poop facial. Just thought I'd share.

stereo +0 -0
Is it an actual product or did she just trick Gifford into smearing poop on her face?

stereo +0 -0
You know what, either way I win. That's awesome.

autrepoupee +0 -0
Oh that is serendipitous, because I was at your roommate's mom's house today giving that bird a facial. Poop.

nice-on-water +0 -0
It's about time someone smeared a schmear of shit on that woman's face.

sje46 +0 -0
I chubbied you, good sir.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Lies!

sje46 +1 -0
It didn't even bring me to the top of the page, either.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Why must you turn my assetbar into a house of lies?

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Is it safe?

achilleselbow +2 -0
Is it secret?

nice-on-water +0 -0
Is it live?

Or is it...[i]Memorex?

nice-on-water +0 -0
AND shoot me.

Memorex

zapatos +0 -0
You fucked up the lord of the rings vibe. You are an asshole.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Is it safe is from Marathon Man if I'm not mistaken. Also shut up and leave me alone you bully. I'm a nice boy.

zapatos +0 -0
Yeah but I'm a bully and I heard a jingle as you walked by, so I'll be taking that milk money.

belgand +0 -0
I get my milk from your momma and she be givin' it away for free.

zapatos +0 -0
My mother died when I was seven.

catgrl131 +0 -0
Zapatos's mom is in a coma.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Zapatos's mom never did make it back home.

stereo +0 -0
is saddest song, played on most poignant bagpipe

nice-on-water +0 -0
Yeah, well the life support machine called...

hedonismbot +0 -0
Zapatos's comatose mom still puts out

"My name is Buck..."

nice-on-water +0 -0
Zapa-tos's comatosez mama puts out real good
Zapa-tos's comatosez mama gets around the 'hood.

~Nice-on-water

belgand +0 -0
Well, regardless, I still got her cheese. It was in our motel fridge when I flew out to SF to find an apartment here.

invidious +0 -0
Roast Beef was able to take the toast out of his mouth! Truly this is a momentous occasion of great joy!

edwell +3 -0
I guess he'd had enough of being mollycoddled.

hedonismbot +1 -0
Ba'dum! https://www.instantrimjob.com

riste +1 -0
It looks like you haven't set that one up yet hedonismbot...
For now we might have to settle for https://www.instantrimshot.com/

i_love_kate +0 -0
Oh! That is truly the limit!

lara501375 +0 -0
poor little nephew

lara501375 +0 -0
poor little nephew

lara501375 +0 -0
poor little nephew

lara501375 +0 -0
Sorry, I'm the worst.

drskradley +0 -0
You have done a terrible thing.

lateadopter +0 -0
Is Little Nephew looking pissed off because he's dead, or because he's losing to the mentally deficient kid?

fargin_bastage +0 -0
Who does Molly see at the door? Will it improve Roast Beef's breakfast or make it worse? Does the church in the background foreshadow wedding bells for Connie? I can't wait to find out!

theguitarhero +1 -0
Ain't know way Roast Beef and Ray are getting out of this bucket of syrup!

Squamp bant dandly dant dant!

zapatos +0 -0
*high five*

bizarro8mybaby +0 -0
What the hell does Pat's email address mean? 77167.83? There must be some significance. Maybe...

Please?

woodenteeth +0 -0
Probably to be as deidentified as humanly possible so as not to attract attention from the freeloaders to who he is offering his washer/dryer.

bizarro8mybaby +0 -0
ahh, the internet equivalent of slapping a map

phy +0 -0
Apparently that's the format Compuserve email addresses used before 1996. Pat's address is so old it is numbers . He's probably one of those assholes who still usenets but only ever to complain about Eternal September.

rowboat +0 -0
I'm glad a lot of people got something out of this Compuserve joke in the strip. I, however, am not one of them. I can say in all honesty that I didn't know what the internet fucking was until the turn of the 21st Century.

I guess I'm kind of proud of that. In a weird and stupid way.

kamet +0 -0
I've been an internet junkie since 1992. It's pretty sad.

rowboat +0 -0
I'm sure I would've been, too. But I grew up in a land where people didn't know the internet from a Catholic.

sje46 +0 -0
Since you were twelve?

sje46 +0 -0
I mean, that is not remarkable nowadays, but in 1992 they didn't even have porn on those things. Wasn't it just .. . words?

theguitarhero +1 -0

(.) (.)
I I
I I
I
I I
o
I I
I I
I I

theguitarhero +0 -0
I forgot about the no indent thing, so for those wondering, it was supposed to be a poorly done ASCII drawing of tits and vag', to give visuals to the idea of text-only porn.

8=======>

mattylite +2 -0
This is what a lady looks like to a horny robot (he isn't gonna waste any memory storing all those empty spaces, just the vital details like edges, protuberances, and holes).

hedonismbot +0 -0
I view women as Fourier transforms. Just a few peaks and valleys. Kamet has hell of nice low frequency.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
har! Likely my last chubby, well spent.

sje46 +0 -0
Hot.

hedonismbot +0 -0
There was plenty of porn on the interwebs back then. Most people who 'webbed on' as we said back then would actually hit up BBSes. Many offered grownup things. The trick was hiding the screen from your parents while your 2400 baud modem pulled down a teacher-looking lady with giant 80s-hair. You couldn't just alt-tab. DOS didn't really have other things happening while that picture was downloading.

kamet +0 -0
Yes yes... Text based bulletin board systems. You dialed one phone number from your 2400 baud dial up modem, and only so many people couple be connected at once. It was rad.

belgand +0 -0
"So many" was usually one.

Even better was having a limited amount of access time at each board requiring you to be a nomad, constantly moving around to different boards to get your fix. Not to mention time banks in case you had a little bit of extra time.

All RIP graphics with their half-assed GUI that never really worked very well.

edwell +0 -0
In the early '90s, our public library had this one terminal way in the back where you could follow a convoluted procedure to access a free local BBS. At least, so they claimed. I wrestled with it nearly every time I went there, and seldom got past the part where you typed "atds," never mind the part when you logged in as "guest."

Then one day, miraculously, it worked, and I was privy to page after page of monospaced green birthday wishes between Star Trek fans. Capone's vault, man, Capone's vault.

zapatos +0 -0
as catly possible?

jaldor +2 -0
When you come out of the closet, you're issued an anonymous email address specifically for posting on Craig's list. It's just procedure.

ghostlystate +0 -0
Onstad! Why are you signing at Melrose? It's the lamest shop in L.A. Now I'm gonna feel gross when I show up.

ghostlystate +0 -0
Weird Freudian slip. I meant "Meltdown".

misterspook +0 -0
Don't what it's what's now?

Ah crap.

AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

wozzeck +0 -0
"We wandered and wondered, together, like children, the earth become our private garden, walled by the horizon's shadow, vaulted by the moonlit sky, the masterwork of an indulgent father. A-crossing where the roads cross, and crossing where the dead lay crossed, and across to where by day the children play, I saw there in all earthly things, in the grass and the trees, in walkways and children's follies, a complex geometry, rigid in its repetition and oppressive in its opulence, the countless bars of beautiful prisons, hiding unknown possibilities to waking eyes.

And so I swung her round by her supple waist, seeking succor in her unearthly loveliness, her lithe limbs, her laughing eyes, her loving lips. Her capering, her cajoling, her consenting and consorting, her unbound by the earth that bore her, her that was then mine."

Am I so wrong that I envy a cartoon bear?

nice-on-water +0 -0
A bit but probably not too much.

wozzeck +0 -0
She was three inches taller than I will ever be, my green amber-eyed Amber-Lynn.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Her lazy eye always pointed at me, my fair Harrietta...

stereo +0 -0
And then she turned into a tree.


No really, what?

wozzeck +0 -0
Gold amber was her skin and green amber were her eyes.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Ivory were here tusks and flat were her arches...

Wait, are you doing a Thing or are you just lamenting?

wozzeck +0 -0
https://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua8RM5BF#comment_92

stereo +0 -0
Oohhh, I thought her eyes were amber and her skin was green.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Her eyes were a blue million miles.

wozzeck +1 -0
No, no, not at all. They were the brooding forest canopy before a summer storm, dark and deep, and promising many hidden things.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh Jesus, alright alright.

gladi8orrex +2 -1
lol polsie call 911 i is hab trublem

"yez dis is polsie hows man i elp use"

"ye ye i reprot and roby"

"k pop is on dey way u no wat was took?"

"ye... ma ivirginities "

is only and jokes bebes i hav had fucked b4 i sawres

hedonismbot +3 -0
Let's hope we've seen the last of these assetbar bugs

Let's hope we've seen the last of these assetbar bugs

Let's hope we've seen the last of these assetbar bugs

Let's hope we've seen the last of these assetbar bugs

woodenteeth +0 -0
The disease is inside you my friend.

davey-boy +0 -0
He wants to taste the curb!

tekende +1 -0
Stand down, davey-boy! The curb has hella nutrients in it!

nice-on-water +0 -0
Tekende, davey-boy is having a conversation with a friend.

brenhan +0 -0
roast beef biting the toast is a beautiful moment to me.

theguitarhero +0 -0
So it is with everyone, get in line.

zapatos +0 -0
I is this the line to get tickets, or is this the line if I already have tickets? What time is it?

theguitarhero +0 -0
Is this the line for beer?

theguitarhero +0 -1
I don't know faggot.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Was I sucking his dick when I asked him that?

professorhazard +0 -0
Gee it sure is Roswell Georgia around here

theguitarhero +0 -0
Someone lamed me, but I don't know why?

Was it my use of the word faggot or the fact I responded to my own quote.

belgand +0 -0
It was actually both.

skippy +0 -0
I suppose it is quite nice. That moment.

caboom +0 -0
Polly doesn't look so disturbing anymore. Must be the lack of crow's feet. Onstad listens to the fans. First he gives us cat cock and now he gives a better looking female bear stripper.

theguitarhero +1 -0
I'd like to make a point that all the bears have defined eyes and the cats don't.

Suffice it to say, we see a creature with defined eyes THAT SHIT IS A BEAR.

caboom +0 -0
Hey, I bearly noticed thanks to you.
OH HO HO

theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh my, your pun was truly un-bear!-able.

Bears.

zapatos +0 -0
No no no no, we already did this.

nice-on-water +0 -0
Ursa-ch a killjoy.

And yes, I was the one who made the ursa pun.

sje46 +1 -0
Cat cock, you say?
IMAGE:

I bet that Assetbar is going to be all Assetbary again , so just click on this: https://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm73/sje46/cat.jpg

theguitarhero +0 -0
Why did yours work? :( why does everything hate me tonight...

baryonyx +0 -0
I found this because I always type "bary" into the search bar, because I'm too lazy to type "baryonyx" when I check my replies.

First time that's ever happened.

(Woo.)

fineoakstructure +0 -0
Hey, sje/guitarhero/zapatos: randomly put "bary" into each and every one of your posts for the next few days.

sje46 +0 -0
That is so rude! I would never do that to baryonyx.

tekende +1 -0
Hey sje, do you like strawbarys?

achilleselbow +0 -0
He baryly likes them.

sje46 +0 -0
I baryly had time to answer!
My Aunt Barybra makes wonderful strawbary-rhubaryb pie. I just hope Yogi the Baryr doesn't take it before I can get a baryte.

baryonyx +0 -0
*so much scowling*

fineoakstructure +0 -0
I own you, baryonyx.

catgrl131 +2 -0
[Science Fun Corner!] 0.1 pascals=1 bary [/Science Fun Corner]

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Quote:

[Science Fun Corner!] 0.1 pascals=1 bary [/Science Fun Corner]

Oooooooh. Heavy, mane.

zapatos +0 -0
Man, I don't know why I would put bary into my posts.

zapatos +0 -0
Hey, fineoakstructure, thank you for including me. I am now a regular, I have a swelling of pride in my chest. I feel as though I could go to an Onstad signing and be recognized... were I to shave half my beard.

Anyway, you made me feel special, thank you.

sje46 +0 -0
One of us
one of us
one of us . .. . .

steev_dayv +0 -0
Still creeps me out...

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
I'm amazed that that flick still has cult-status 'legs' after all these years. It was a thing in 1970.

huh-huh. He said legs.

sje46 +0 -0
What movie?

I said it because it sounded familiar. Maybe from the Simpsons.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
The Simpsons are quoting from Freaks by Tod Browning. No relation to Todd T Squirrel.

sje46 +0 -0
Oh. Neversaw it.

Actually I think it was South Park
One of us
One of us.
Gooble-gobble
One of us.
Thanksgiving episode, perhaps?

rowboat +0 -0
It is often referenced.

kamet +0 -0
I take it to the Clerks Animated place...

zapatos +0 -0
You know Sage, this just means we have to start hanging out.

fineoakstructure +0 -0
I was really just picking out 3 of the people who, over the last two weeks, have collectively posted more than I have in a year and a half (not that that's a bad thing), so as to help insure the frustration of baryonyx.

But yeah, that pretty much makes you a regular. Shit wait does that make me a regular?

sje46 +0 -0
I have been posting like crazy, I admit.
Must be too much sugar.
Anyway, I won't be on tomorrow or early Sunday. Sorry to disappoint y'alls.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Damn I feel like a loser.

theguitarhero +0 -0
BARY much a loser.

zapatos +0 -0
Onyxly, it isn't that bad. What else would you be doing?

nice-on-water +0 -0
I try to keep up and probably fail. I have something called CLASSES.

zapatos +0 -0
I have something called A JOB.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I do too but we call it work-study. So YEAH.

zapatos +0 -0
Yes fineoakstructure, you are a regular.

I recognize your avi and your name. Maybe I am simply perspective, but I think the previous to be true.

nice-on-water +0 -0
You mean your baryd?

I AM FORCING MYSELF INTO THIS

nice-on-water +0 -0
I ctrl-f "nice-" because "nice" takes me to other people who just say something is nice and I don't like other people.

sje46 +0 -0
CHECK OUT THIS RAGING CATCOCK WOOOOOO

getawaykettle +0 -0
who can even deal with this any more
by the time I've even noticed there's a new strip there's 1000 comments on it
I used to enjoy reading the comments to get a bit of perspective on the strip
now its just look at me, I can make a comment
boom

theguitarhero +0 -0
OH HOW FUCKING IRONIC, INSTEAD OF POSTING SOMETHING WITH PERSPECTIVE YOU GO AND BE A DICK.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Get a Premium Account if you don't like it motherfuck .

getawaykettle +1 -0
sorry

autrepoupee +0 -0
hey guys cmon

theguitarhero +0 -0
hey guys cmon.

theguitarhero +0 -0
not supposed to be mocking i was trying to do the "at odds with myself" thing...

davey-boy +0 -0
Doesn't work. Sorry.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm sorry I failed you Lil' Jon.

I'm so so sorry.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
it Does So Work! I am fucking busting a gut.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Well come on, don't you see the irony that, instead of posting something insightful you went and did a dick thing?

Why can't you see?!

(oh god I'm becoming Assetbar Pat oh god oh god oh god...)

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Bwahahaha!....a-jibblie,jilbblie,jibble.
I better get the fuck out of here so I can get something done.

noah_j +0 -0
aw, now everyone feels bad

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You're hilarious when you're cranky, theguitarhero. Truly, no one here cracks me up like when you go sideways like that.
Like when you were stalking questioning stereo's tastes and choices.

Maybe because I can sense there's no real malice in it. You don't have malice. That's a good thing.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I never imagined I would live in a town called Malice.

belgand +0 -0
Are you referencing the Jam or the Venture Brothers there? Choose wisely...

theguitarhero +0 -0
...Both in a way, since Venture Brothers reference the Jam but whatever.

sje46 +0 -0
I love these guys. They're so cute .

Assetbar isn't a place to talk about the strips. It is to experience the strips (along with the horrors and depravity of the Internet). I guess you just don't get it.

theguitarhero +0 -0
You want to talk about the strips?

Take it to the fuckin' Achewood Facebook group.

Seriously EVERY SINGLE board post there is a quote. Out of context. Like it's fucking Monty Python or something.

Granted so is BOTH Arrested Development groups I'm in...

noah_j +0 -0
it is possible to talk about the strip without being a quote-bot.

i... think.

of course, assetbar wouldn't be assetbar if it weren't one giant goddamned tangent.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I'm in 4. You've probably seen me make an Ann reference.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Who?

nice-on-water +0 -0
Her?

theguitarhero +0 -0
Egg?

nice-on-water +0 -0
I call her Annabelle because her body is sorta shaped like...she's the belle of the ball.

kamet +0 -0
Not ringing a bell.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Strangely, the best place to talk about the strips is over at Asherdan's place. And that is a creepy thing to say.

zapatos +0 -0
Where is his place, is the porch light on? I could bring drinks... unless someone else already is. Maybe I should get dip or chips or maybe some garlic bread, I want to make a good impression.

FB Assetbar Headquarters? I'm going.

hedonismbot +0 -0
touamb.com I will almost certainly accrue lames for linking it. It tends to be more topical, but dull. And be careful, there are a LOT more dicks on that board. Don't range off topic, or they rape your grandmother.

sje46 +0 -0
Let's raid them.

zapatos +0 -0
Raping my grandmother could be a bary bad decision on their part, she has been dead for years. Well unless you can get the ghostbusters to suck up her ghost, and they just rub against the cartridge?

sje46 +0 -0
TOUAMB wrote: Quote:

I have to stop reading AssBar, because the AssBar commentary is about 9 million rungs below YouTube commenters and I swear that brain cells commit suicide each time I click on an Achewood comic and absentmindedly scroll down. Jesus. Every time I read it I'm sorry that I expended the effort. Some fug posted Calvin and Hobbes pornographic furry fanfic. Thanks a lot, asshole. I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that crap like that exists. I should have realized that no matter how low the bar is set, some goon is going to come through and deliberately post shit.

Also:
Quote:

If you're a n00b reading this, please consider signing up here. Don't let the people on AssBar who are critical of TOUAMB confuse you - a lot of them are former trolls of this board who expressed extremely psychotic behavior before they were sent on their way. The doors are open here. You can have an actual opinion here. Huuugs!

Quote:

Also, who here can deny that the comments on AssBar didn't make you feel like a better human being by comparison?

Quote:

I mean, there's us and the people on the assbar and... I mean... we are few and the vast majority of the assbar folk seem barely capable of putting on their own shoes. Maybe velcro, if they don't drool all over it in the process but that's as much as I'll give 'em.

LOL wut R thay talkign abuot?!?!?!

sje46 +0 -0
I find their opinion of us so hilarious.
Plus I am delighted from memories from our old friend Dr. Manflesh.

zapatos +0 -0
Where are these taken from?

stereo +0 -0
"the official unofficial achewood message board", touamb.com

ASsetBAAAAAAAAAARR

sje46 +0 -0
Like, duh.

singtralala +0 -0
i missed little nephew

chuvak +0 -0
I like his new chin whiskers. Do you think he still rocks a rhyme from time to time?

singtralala +0 -0
well, algebra still sucks, so probably

sje46 +0 -0
It is worse than cranBARYs.

nicm +6 -1
I am relatively new to Achewood. My girlfriend got me hooked a few months ago. Up until recently, I was reading a few Achewoods every day from the archive (in order)--sometimes I would read a few months or even a year in a single sitting. It was so exciting that I would forget to read the alt text for ten strips in a row before realizing it.

Now I am caught up and eagerly await every new strip. Unfortunately it's like watching a DVD on an old player. Everything is cruising along and suddenly the frame freezes. You don't breathe for a few seconds hoping it will just keep on playing and frozen-in-time Keanu Reeves won't get shot by some guy in a suit. When it does suddenly start playing, you briefly entertain the notion that it will not happen again; but it does. It does so again and again, over and over, until you are forced to eject the dish in a vain attempt to save your Matrix screening by some mystical combination of blowing, rubbing, and delicate re-insertion.

But you can't really do that with a comic strip. And Keanu Reeves does get shot. Now a week will easily slip by without a new Achewood strip for me to enjoy. Maybe I should have waited a few more years before discovering you. Or maybe I can read through the archive again and pretend like it's Christmas morning in Shanghai.

hausea +2 -0
First they came for the previous strip reference at the top of the page, and I chubbied it because it was there.

Then they came for the Fresh Prince song parody, and I chubbied it because it was there.

And then they came for nicm's insightful comment which perfectly mirrors my own feelings, and I had no chubbies left.

(Just finished a second trawl through the archives. Worth it.)

theguitarhero +0 -0
Word of advice, don't chubby references to the comic unless it's hell of well put together. Is worst song played on ugliest guitar.

Secondly, nicm, I can't believe you just compared Achewood to the Matrix.

Thirdly, I can't believe, out of every Keanu Reeves movie you used The Matrix. Point Break or nothing, holmes.

chuvak +0 -0
BOHDIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

theguitarhero +0 -0
SPOILER ALERT:

Johnny Utah is an EFF BEE EYE AGENT.

foea +0 -0
Wait, weren't you the cat who was just bitching about people spoiling movies? I seem to recall it being your dad.
Don't be your dad.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I was only stating about that situation, nice-on-water (or someone) was bitching.

nice-on-water +0 -0
I wasn't bitching, I was joking because it's a twist everyone knows. It came across as bitching though because I suck.

mattylite +0 -0
Ya it is weird when you get to the now. But there are all the blogs, and then there are a lot of print-only things you can buy to rectify your free-comic karma, and also of course there is /b/.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I lamed this, not because I disagree with you said, but because you spoiled the most crucial part of Keanu Reeves career:

In some point in every move he is in Keanu Reeves is in mortal danger. This is the only clause in his contract.

achilleselbow +0 -0
What about that movie where the chick and the dude love each other and there is a lake or something.

edwell +1 -0
Oh, you mean The Lake House ? 2006's whimsical romance in which Keanu woos a resident of the future by exchanging notes through a Magical Realist mailbox?

Well, the climax finds him moments away from stepping into a traffic accident that killed him in the original timeline.

TRY AGAIN

theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh my god. Edwell.

zapatos +0 -0
I think he was already dead though.

theguitarhero +0 -0
No he was alive, but 3 or 4 years back in time. Well, he dies in the original timeline, but in the Sandra Bullock-altered timeline he is saved.

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
That movie was also a remake of the (I'm certain) much better Japanese original.
Hollywood douches.

belgand +0 -0
In I Love You to Death he is never placed in mortal danger. He might go to prison, yes, but there is never any actual mortal threat.

bizarro8mybaby +0 -0
a prettyboy like keanu would never survive. imminent death is implied.

sje46 +0 -0
I tried looking for that movie in the liBARY, but it wasn't there.
:(

woodenteeth +0 -0
oh shit.

zapatos +0 -0
Welcome to the Assetbar, we don't have uniforms yet. At least not that I am aware of.

catgrl131 +1 -0
[quote]some mystical combination of blowing, rubbing, and delicate re-insertion.[/i]
HEY-O!

catgrl131 +1 -0
*ahem*
Quote:

some mystical combination of blowing, rubbing, and delicate re-insertion.

HEY-O!

woodenteeth +0 -0
I'm glad I have the same juvenile sense of humour.

High five!

theguitarhero +0 -0
Oh man, I thought that was funny too, but I didn't think to post it, I thought you guys would think it would be of Low Mind.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Low Mind? You've been here long enough to realise that is not the case.

I also did not post due to this fear.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Low Mind? You've been here long enough to realise that is not the case.

I also did not post due to this fear.

woodenteeth +0 -0
Mind. Low? You've been here. Realise the case.

I also post due to fear.

doctorbeene +0 -0
Pat's made someone lucky already. He's been there.

sje46 +0 -0
Cute.

theguitarhero +0 -1
Aw, homophobia. How adorable.

noah_j +0 -0
homophobia never tags properly

howl +0 -0
Or understands what "top" implies

sje46 +0 -0
I BARYly understand what you guys are talking about.

howl +0 -0
Oh, sje, you're just trying so hard .

zapatos +0 -0
He was asked to, it is bary hard to avoid going along with the scheme.

doctorbeene +0 -0
What's adorable is that you immediately pulled out the homophobia gun. I was under the impression that Pat was an asshole before he was "out". Correct me if I'm wrong, you seem to be great at it.

theguitarhero +0 -0
What? That makes no sense.

zapatos +0 -0
What makes no sense is you calling him a homophobe. It was kinda weird to see.

autrepoupee +0 -0
Yeah, it was not a homophobic thing at all. As far as I can tell, doctorbeene was saying that Pat is suggesting that he's ALREADY made someone lucky, by the mere fact that he is putting his old junk up for the taking. Look at his subject line, it's pretty assumptive.

theguitarhero +0 -0
I wasn't calling him a homophobe I was...honestly rereading i have not an idea where I was going with that.

noah_j +0 -0
my goodness me but those roast beef panels are exactly why i love achewood so much.

i_love_kate +0 -0
Hey, guys, you know which part of this strip almost made me cry? Here's a hint: It's emotionally stirring.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Pat made you cry?

onepapertiger +2 -0
Assetbar, you are the most depressing goddamn pool of cynical assholes I've ever had the misguided idea to swim in. It's like an NYU dorm in here sometimes I swear.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Actually, the undergrads here seem pretty bright-eyed and optimistic, excited to be in the city and liberal in that positive "I'm gonna help people and change the world" way. But if you're talking about the grad students, you'd have a hard time finding any that aren't cynical assholes no matter what college you're at.

stereo +0 -0
It's something they put in the coffee, I'm pretty sure.

belgand +0 -0
And here I always thought it was a mixture of long hours and low pay for a chance to spend years working a post-doc before you maybe have a shot at a tenure-track position at a school in the middle of nowhere.

I really need to go back for my doctorate.

Grad school: it's not a job, it's an indenture

stereo +0 -0
Well the thing is, it's addictive. Even if you don't enjoy it, you just can't stop.

<- in 18th year of education and graduating (again), signing up for #19 because he doesn't know any other life

belgand +1 -0
I could totally do that. I could seriously enjoy that. The only problems are, of course, homework and tests. Oh and money.

Of course, being an unemployed biologist doesn't pay well either.

onepapertiger +0 -0
Christian Bale needs a hug

desert_donkey +0 -0
A comment left by desert_donkey was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by daidai, Belgand, tripleG, Magreaux_Dogg)

theguitarhero +0 -1
If you don't have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up douchebag.

desert_donkey +0 -0
lols.. and this coming from an incessantly bitching / whining emo cocksucker.

get a dictionary. look up the word "hyporcite". there'll be a little pic of you by it. ;)

dusty +1 -0
If you're serious you must be the type who loves those comedy movies that have no real story or comedic setup and just have a bunch of bad stuff happening and farting and screaming.

daidai +0 -0
Yeah he loved Meet The Parents

onepapertiger +0 -0
By that point, does the genre even matter?

catgrl131 +0 -0
ATTENTION DUDES: Have a hug. You need it. *hugs everyone within reach, trapping them in an assetbearhug of love*

sje46 +0 -0
Awesome!

woodenteeth +0 -0
*ruffles her hair*

farqussus +0 -0
What happened? Hugs? Is... is it too late. No it's OK i was getting hugs elsewhere

woodenteeth +0 -0
*puts farqussus in a head lock*

noogie time.

farqussus +0 -0
awwwwwww stop it you

steev_dayv +0 -0
You boys are such rascals.

hedonismbot +0 -0
Unfortunately the state doesn't allow me to get hugs from girls your age catty. Have a thumbs-up from 15 feet away in return

zapatos +0 -0
You can't bary trap me with love, itd be more like fly paper.

akadriver +0 -0
You know, for a single guy, Teodor has made a pretty good surrogate father for young Philippe. That's right, little guy. Don't rub the babies!

belgand +0 -0
Well, until she takes her top off and makes it obvious that she wants you to do so. Before then and it would be impolite. At the very least you should wait until you are involved in serious make-outs. He should probably get some help from Vlad with this one.

belgand +0 -0
Also, now that I think about it. Angering a cougar by attempting to rub it's babies... wasn't that a major part of The Graduate?

sje46 +0 -0
Wasn't one of the BARYmores in that movie?

sje46 +0 -0
Nevermind. Dustin Hoffman.
How emBARYsing.

stereo +0 -0
I can bary understand you, what are you trying to say?

theguitarhero +0 -0
sje, can we BARY the hatchet?

I feel like I've done you wrong in the past and I don't want to be BARYed with you angry at me.

BARY

sje46 +0 -0
Of BARY we can BARY the BARY.

(I'm not mad at you anymore, dude.)
*BARY*
I BARY
*HUG*

steev_dayv +0 -0
I have an obaryen cyst

theguitarhero +0 -0
Hey my mom died from an obaryen cyst not cool not funny not a good post.

catgrl131 +0 -0
BARY BARY BARY

edwell +4 -0
Come on man, quit mining this turf. You ain't got the right of turbary, and besides, it's been sprayed with carbaryl.

Maybe you could find some fresh puns in another language - the Cherokee syllabary? But I doubt it. You ain't got an antibaryon's chance in a sack made from ambary by Mexicans in Ubary.

Oh sure, maybe Dutch Baroque artist Hendrik Bary will engrave your verbal achievements for posterity. Maybe botanist Heinrich Anton de Bary will be all, "Hey I suppose this dogg ain't really so low as the slime mold which I revolutionized the study of" - I just find it bary, bary unlikely.

The pressure is on. ***

*** The pressure is 6.38 kilopascals, or 63,800 barye

daidai +0 -0
You guys are making a bary big mistake. See, Baryonyx will simply search for "onyx". As uncle Bary always told me, "bary a mouse in his hole, an' he'll just dig a new way out" -- we must involve onyx (coincidentally, my favorite pokemon was onix and I missed the word "onyx" in the 4th grade spelling bee because of that fucking rocksnake) if we wish to complete our bary important task or ruining baryonyx's search laziness.

Onyxly, can we call ourselves successful if we can't bary baryonyx's search shortcuts under our onyxlaught of "onyx"s AND "bary"s?

theguitarhero +0 -0
Alright, pack it in everyone, edwell wins this round.

tekende +0 -0
That's good. That is a good pressure.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Man, those are good measurements. Keep making those measurements just like that.

belgand +0 -0
Sounds like someone wants to have their crotch savagely and repeatedly perforated by a knitting needle.

End of meme.

sje46 +0 -0
Dude, you shouldn't act so barycose.
Onyxly.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Man, belgand is just BARYing us in rough chuckles tonight.

Onyxly I don't know if I can take this.

belgand +0 -0
That's not a chuckle. That's a call for some sanity before pain and disfigurement are needed.

baryonyx +0 -0
STOP THIS TOMFOOLERY AT ONCE! STOP, YOU IMBARYCILES!

Wh- guh- I- OH GOD DAMMITALL .

theguitarhero +0 -0
SYSTEM FAILURE.

edwell +4 -0

belgand +0 -0
OK, now that was hella clever.

I WILL V-CHUB YOU!!

hedonismbot +0 -0
People called me crazy for keeping the Edwell chubby held back all this time he's been in space saving the Earth. And today, now, on this picture, I prove them wrong.

steev_dayv +0 -0
PUT ON HEAD!

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
You have no idea how that image scared the crap out of men, women, kids, and beast when I was a kid. You know the soundbyte that goes with that pic?

He was saying "We Will Bury You!"

Vhat keeder thees guy he vas. Ve had no idea eet vos all beeg Russian choke.

pogo +0 -0
Quote:

He was saying "We Will Bury You!"

Common mistranslation (I was taking Russian in high school at the time). Nikita was actually talking about the success of the communist economy, and saying they would overtake the U.S. in production, then he got a little slangy about it, and "overtake" became "bury" in some listener's ears, especially the propoganda cold warriors on our side.

achilleselbow +0 -0
It's ambiguous. The word he used was "pohoronim," which is the future tense of "pohoronit". "Pohoroni" is the Russian word for funeral, so the verb "pohoronit" literally means something like "to perform the actions that are commonly performed at a funeral," with the direct object being the person who has died. It could have the connotations of 'bury in the ground' or 'forget about and move on', or both, which I think is the case here.

nice-on-water +0 -0
But for the purposes of the use of the image, he is saying "We will bary you."

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
There ya go. Those tricky Slavs...

belgand +0 -0
Hmm... I always assumed he was meaning "overtake" and not "we will bury you in the ground because we plan to kill you all and don't want your festering corpses rotting everywhere".

Of course, I've had the benefit of not living through that time.

scorpio_nadir +1 -0
Quote:

Common mistranslation (I was taking Russian in high school at the time). Nikita was actually talking about the success of the communist economy, and saying they would overtake the U.S. in production, then he got a little slangy about it, and "overtake" became "bury" in some listener's ears, especially the propoganda cold warriors on our side.

That is so not the point, Pogo. Weren't people in your area freaked out of their garters by it?

Who gives a shit what he was actually saying. That damn shoe-banging act at the U.N. in New York City no less, had everyone double-dogg sure this guy was a gone-daddy madman with his other hand on his nads and the nuke trigger was in his jockstrap.

People were deeply concerned.

achilleselbow +0 -0
Is old Russian custom to slap table with shoe while speakink. Is sayink "I am friend, I kill fly for you."

scorpio_nadir +0 -0
Iz goot, I like. You know also perchops thet Russian word for cockroach is same as for Mongol people,yes? Tatarin. So perchops he is killink Tatarin.

irondave +0 -0
Oh thank the LORD I still had one left. I laughed the loudest I am ever laughing on Assetbar.

tekende +0 -0
I don't get it.

achilleselbow +0 -0
It's a picture of Kruschev flipping out and being totally sweet at a UN conference after a Philippine delegate accused the Soviet Union of imperialism. He is banging his shoe on the podium and saying "we will BURY you!" Or, for the purpose of this thread, "we will BARY you!"

I just killed the joke, but now you and anyone else who was afraid to speak up will understand.

tekende +0 -0
Ah. Thanks.

behka +0 -0
there is a lot to love about this comic. i love that connie and polly are going strong, i love that pat is still an asshole, i love that beef is working though his depression and that molly is still there for him, i love that teodor is trying hard to be a good parental figure to phillipe, and i love that ray is still clueless that charlie is gone. seriously, ray has never acknowledged that LN is even missing. what is ray's deal? does he really know where LN is or why he isn't around?

woodenteeth +2 -0
Things only really exist for Ray when he is looking at them, or someone mentions them.

belgand +0 -0
Yes. Iowerth said that he and Happy were getting along well and asking if he could come with them for a while. Ray said it was cool. The murdering part wasn't something he knew about, but otherwise he was fine with it.

wozzeck +0 -0
Was he fine about his nephew's corpse stinking up whatever long-forgotten part of his manse in which the boy was shot?

belgand +0 -0
Iowerth seems to be far too conscientious not to have taken the body with him.

changuitotuerto +0 -0
The cat with depression bit through some toast that was in his mouth.

riazm +0 -0
Hey. Does anyone remember where that picture of the couple that looked exactly like roast beef and molly would look if they are humans would be? It was posted in one of the discussion threads and I think they were brandishing a piece of driftwood that said "The Cure"

I would like to find this image to show to a friend.

edwell +1 -0
It's on this strip . Here's a direct link to the image .

achilleselbow +0 -0
Oh my god, that is exactly how they would look as humans. How...how is this possible?

achilleselbow +0 -0
Also, she has huge boobies.

zapatos +0 -0
Holy shit and there is Ray in the background, trying to get in the shot.

riazm +0 -0
Yeah, that shit is fucking uncanny. Its weird because I never even tried to consider what M&B would look like as humans (why would you) but these two are just so correct. Its amazing. The guy has exactly the right expression on his face.

sje46 +0 -0
I do not picture Beef to look like this.

I apologize.

autrepoupee +0 -0
I'm looking for the scientific breakdown of how high those two are. What strip was that posted on? Flowchart only.

riazm +0 -0
Thank you edwell. Helping people on the internet is TOTALLY RAW.

dammittim +0 -0
Teodor takes good care of Philippe, can cook like a fiend, and enjoys being naked. We need to find him a woman. There should be ladies lining up around the block for that dude.

sje46 +0 -0
Is to be naked a plu if you are looking for a girlfriend?
Would a first date at the nude barych be a good idea?

sje46 +0 -0
plus*

zapatos +0 -0
I think not being afraid of being naked is a plus, if you are comfortable with your body then you be comfortable in hers. Onyxly though, that whole confidence thing we were mentioning up there *scroll* is a bary good point.

Confidence in your mind and your body.

achilleselbow +0 -0
In Teodor's case, confidence can only take you so far if you have love handles and are hung like a cranberry.

zapatos +0 -0
It is odd to me, for him to have such a portly figure. He is always running around, jumping off shit, and he seems to stay away from heavily processed foods. Well except when he went to Myspace and ate all that Taco Bell.

stereo +0 -0
It's actually pretty common judging from the people in my family (though to be fair, I have no idea how they're hung). Several of them even run marathons, and they still make with the love handles.

zapatos +0 -0
T has a slight bit more than love handles, is what I am saying. I have some extra myself, and I'm kind of a ripped dude who works out far less than T so... I dunno.

pogo +0 -0
There's entirely too much discussion of sex in this thread. That's the main reason there were 1500 comments by 11/14, 12:45 p.m. Central.

theguitarhero +0 -0
Assetbar has become a forum about nerd sex.

zapatos +0 -0
It is the best sex. I would hell of love to hook up with a nerd girl, someone I could connect with.

tekende +0 -0
Permanently.

autrepoupee +0 -0
yeah i'm kind of hoping we can declare a moratorium of discussions about what you all imagine fucking or are presently boning

(TMI assetbar, TMI)

tekende +0 -0
I am not presently boning anything, but every now and then thoughts go through my head of boning this one female friend of mine whom I happened to run into at a bar a few hours ago.

It's sharing time

pogo +0 -0
Quote:

i'm kind of hoping we can declare a moratorium of discussions about what you all imagine fucking or are presently boning

Well put, Other Doll. Trouble is, many of these horny young males probably want to bone you!

achilleselbow +0 -0
This is the pot calling the kettle a pot.

belgand +0 -0
This asset bones for thee!

stereo +0 -0
1600 by 11/14, 3pm central. It is indeed ridiculous.

belgand +0 -0
I just caught it at 1666. Awesome.

steev_dayv +0 -0
That is what happens when our strips are this sparse.

jugglegod +0 -0
One of my favorite strips in a while.

mcjuicy +2 -0
Sorry for the strip being late
we are making more stuff for you to pay for

theguitarhero +0 -0
More like MCDOUCHEY AMIRITE GUYS?!?!?!

THIS GUY IS A DOUCHE, RIGHT?

skiddyfisk +1 -0
It is definitely clear the paid products have taken precedence.

aperson +0 -0
Look. What the fuck are those animals behind LN.

What the fuck are they. SHEEP?

pogo +0 -0
Baaaa ... yes. And someone one this forum wants to bone them, I'll bet.

aperson +0 -0
hubba hubba

featurelessvoid +0 -0
I just noticed that pogo is no longer 59 . A happy belated birthday to you, our resident Assetbar Cornelius!

davey-boy +0 -0
Seconded.

aperson +0 -0
We should all be so lucky to bring the sack on assetbar when we are that old and wizened in real life. I raise my glass to you, Poglington.

aperson +0 -0
Decrepit. I forgot to mention decrepit.

stereo +0 -0
That's ok, he won't remember

kodiakclock +1 -0
sometimes i feel like achewood dont even mean a thing

evolume +0 -0
I did that exact thing that Pat did on Craig's List with a 17" CRT and 300mhz tower so I wouldn't have to pay recycling. it works. boy does it ever.

buttbutter +0 -0
5 because the Roast Beef toast chewing saga touches my heart, even molests it a little

dasilodavi +0 -0
My mistake. THIS is the last we see of Little Nephew.

tonyhighwind +0 -0
Awwwwww hell, Little Nephew's gettin' his dang old beard chops in order.

cpnglxynchos +0 -0
you should never rub its babies.