If you appreciate Achewood, please support Chris Onstad (shop; gallery art.)
Toxic User Culture Sunday, January 17, 2010 • read strip Viewing 407 comments:

yow!
Sounds like Onstad is shooting for the Flannery O'Connor of the internet

i have literally no idea who that Flannery O'Connor is, but since the comic suggested racism my subconscious supplied the image of a red-faced, spittin' leprechaun of an angry drunk irishman

My dear Mater was a red-faced, spittin' leprechaun of an Irishman, and I'll have you know she never drank a day in her life!

I know what you mean -- my mother drinks for weeks at a time too!

You do Groucho Marx credit. Enjoy that chubby. You earned it.

Go read "A Good Man is Hard to Find" before I drive my e-fist into your e-throat. I say that in as friendly a way as is possible.

I read it (short story not compilation), but I don't get it. Seems like a pretty terrible thing to happen to pretty decent people. I gave it a shot and read it, but I've never been much for understanding the deeper meanings.

That story itself is pretty good, but most of the other stories in the book are just as good if not better (personal favorites so far: "Good Country People" and "A Stroke of Good Fortune"). It's pretty standard O'Connor: some kind of Catholic undertones re: fall from grace, sometimes redemption, etc. I don't know. I was just saying "You damn well better know who she is because she's the proverbial shit."

for me, i guess my first comment was a fall from grace, and now, i strive for that redemption

Either that or ::MASSIVE SPOILERS:: you'll get shot by the bandit, or have your wooden leg stolen, or drown in the river, or get lost in Atlanta, or abandon the deaf/mute girl in the diner, or realize your pregnant when you don't want to be etc.

"The Violent Bear It Away" is longer, and not in her "canon-standard" collection of short stories. If you haven't read it, I recommend it more betterly.

I plan on reading everything by her anyway, being that her catalog seems pretty manageable. I like to do that: read everything by a rarely published writer and then claim to have read EVERYTHING by J.D. Salinger et al.

maximus, nice-on-water, mockereo, all of you, thank you. Thank you for turning a comic about the cesspool that is the internet into a discussion about that queen of the southern gothic. Because really, I was going to go smash my wireless router for having a facebook account. Now I can just think about lonely one-legged women being taken advantage of.

It is all I can do with my life.

But yes, there's some racism, but only to prove a point GOD.

You! Are! ASSETBAR!

(My intention here is to suggest that this comment stream consists largely of illiterate morons who spend their time coming up with vaguely racist impressions of pop culture as described by three-word memes. Thank you for your patience.)

guys i'm not really trying to be harmfully racist its just all the youtube comment stuff put those deeper levels of the brain into racist stereotype-mode.

Conclusion: Youtube is certainly the most toxic, because it poisons my brain even when i'm not looking at youtube

i find that the least conflicting comments are on hard, ratty old punk bands, like the Anti-Nowhere League. I also go on anything videogame related to laugh at twelve year olds and i go on the BN{ channel to say Nick Griffin likes chocolate salty balls.

I'm sorry, the country that owns my country annoys me, even when its not on the topic or anything remotely related at all.
(now i am hesistating to post this)
(i posted this anyway)

Flannery O'Connor was a woman of literature who wrote stories about sad southerners who screwed each other over in hilarious disgusting ways. This is the basest way to describe her but she is of quality

Oh man, Flannery O'Connor was an awesome writer. If your not knowing of her was meant as sarcasm I apologize for not getting your joke.

I'd fuck her.

You mean, "I'd tap that ass."

I read this comment, let it sit, forgot about it, re-read the Facebook thing a few hours later, and said "Hm, brass arm, sounds like Flannery O'Con-WAIT A MINUTE"

So maybe I see what you mean? Also the part where the woman tells her life story. Not sure if that's what you meant but whatever.

there has always been a good bit of misanthropy and grotesquery to Onstad's work - that and Chris Ware and you got about 85 percent of the melange that is Achewood
(not even gonna try for an accent aigu and a percent sign)

not eve

That idea of the grotesque certainly does figure into at least Achewood (of Ware, I've only read "Jimmy Corrigan," which just seems more depressing, though it's possibly more "grotesque" in Jimmy's daydreams). The rural elements of Achewood--Nice Pete, any kind of low-class dude in the GOF or Beef's childhood etc--definitely seem, now that I think of it, to kind of call back to that idea, "Southern" or otherwise.

Maybe not rural, on second thought, but white trashy, definitely.

According to Wikipedia, Ray's mother's family are "Wealthy Southern Catholic Aristocrats." That's a Flannery O'Connor deographic, right there.

If the Uncle Culpepper arc wasn't Southern gothic I don't wanna know WHAT is!!!

Southern Catholics? Mighty rare.

S...sarcasm...?

Southern Baptist is the cliche. SouthWESTERN Catholics are quite common, but "Southern" and "Catholic" are not the first combination that springs to mind

That's what I was thinking but you can never be sure on Assetbar.

It was lupus. (Not a non-sequitur.)

It's never lupus.

Does his mother know he writes such things?

Note that after a solid month with no comments, Bobby's mom catches wind of shepter's comment within an hour. That's dedication.

she's so proud she probably accidentally set Bobby's video as her Internet Explorer (netscape?) homepage and doesn't know how to get it back to MSN.com

Hey my Dad's homepage is MSN.com not cool not funny not a good comment.

A comment left by firedmyass was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by littlefatdog, puguglypress, miaou)

it was a joke he was making a joke

Yesterday, the role of Useless Twat was played by me.

YES.

it's a paraphrase of some long-cursed and forgotten first post. <-assetbar history should be in a book, though it simultaneously does not deserve one

Quote:
assetbar history should be in a book, though it simultaneously does not deserve one

A good reason to do it anyway. Wish I had time, there are so many gems to be harvested here.

thanks for your concern dog but I was fine without you jumping to my rescue.

I do apologize for the toolery. In retrospect, your post was obviously a reference.

GUYS LOOK! THIS GUY MADE AND APOLOGY! ON THE INTERNET!

cool

SYNTAX ERROR 52 AT LINE 10

Ha! Netscape. I threw up a bit.

A comment left by gelter was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by dannyp, Jetbunny, scramblesthedog)

;-)

Thank you for making assetbar into yet another example.

what are you talking about? the winking emoticon meant he was making jokes.

Are you sure about that? It could also mean he was coming on to you.

;-)

where the hell have YOU been?

8=======D~ ~ ~

;-)

i love you.

;-) ;-) say no more, say no more

Have you... y'know... done it? Had sex?

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, y'know.

[IMGS OFF]

I know

[IMGS OFF]

That guy on the left looks like Lemmings of the BDA.

It sure is, giant pink Pokemon thingo

say no more say no more

istillloveyou.com

I prefer this version:

~~~~c===3

It all comes down to (no pun intended) how well you want your (one's) glans and testes articulated.

I like my glans and testes articulated the way I like my coffee. Four times a day, and at well below market price.

Since articulated means "with pivoting parts: made up of two or more sections connected by a joint that can pivot," I would not want my Johnson to bend in the middle.

You may not, partners may appreciate it - worth a try?

mine has a universal joint

i smoked your universal joint

if it doesn't get lubed on a regular basis it dries out and explodes all over the road?

it worked for bill clinton

anyone aware of the provenance of your avatar might be uncomfortable about where that comment is going

More like rehashing content, remember the "lets post the alt text" period.

Then again it was a nice synergy of all examples.

Exactly! Everyone knows that emoticons make every hateful, bilious disruptive compliment into a joke!
THE HOLOCAUST NEVER HAPPENED :D :D :D :D :D :D

I HAD SEX WITH A SMALL DOG :D:D:D

Three of those smileys in a row looks less like you are just kidding, and more like that chick on Total Recall.

Who said i was joking?

You don't prefer Taylor Hanson, Mariel Hemingway, or Margaret Thatcher?

I will forever be wondering if she has three colons along with the three D's now.

just great >:{

IT DIED ;-D

Want me to split open your vagina? ~.<

only if you split it with

THESE KNIVES

XD XD XD

OOH! I THINK MY HEART'S EXPLODING!


No for reals, get a doctor.

seriously i need a fucking doctor i'm not fucking around XD

no you listen to me sweetheart...you know how...many of these...fuckers I sell...


Oh sweet Christ please God not today

XD

We're all breaking Godwin's Law.

If there's ever a Godwin's Law poice, I demand they all look something like your avatar.

MAKING assetbar an example? I'm pretty sure this whole comic is a dig at the lot of us.

The Facebook section did remind me somewhat of The Great Handface Weekend.

"hey bebe wanna fuck?" -- _e____e

I still look back on that weekend with a great deal of fondness. I fear that when I am old and have lost my mind that will be one of the few things I remember clearly.

I won't remember my firstborn son's name, but I will reminisce to anyone who will listen about the Great Handface Weekend.

It was my first, and probably last, online orgy.

OK guys. For us newbees, when was it?

i dunno.. over a year ago.

end of april 2008, https://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua5qFm7q

Good link: If it ever breaks, the strip ran 4/25/08 and has 2,162 comments.

Everyone please tell me we were all intentionally making it another example starting years ago. Um, for irony's sake, or for ironies sake.

Your first comment was alright, but somehow this added comment with emote made it HILARIOUS. Like you were winking at, you know, the WORLD or something. It's all very high-brow.

Just the clown and the wink together against that stark green rectangle are so damn creepy out of context when you're scrolling down.

shepter and Gladi have to get together sometime

maximus it kinda looks like you couldn't decide what of the three posts to make first post so instead you're like just talking ideas to yourself, hoping one of your comment starts the longest chain of discussion on this comment

actually, I couldn't believe no one else was posting - must've been a selective worldwide outage because they're spaced out over 10 minutes

So this is what happens when you check Achewood after stumbling home at 4:30 in the morning: A new comic just went up under cover of night and there are only 22 comments on it

Die-hards all scramblin' to start the first discussion... me all drunkenly ruminating on that exact phenomenon

So sad that after a few days, it's like, ten feet down the page. Your heroism goes unsung. I'll write a ballade.

Quote:
shepter and Gladi have to get together sometime

Yes, as soon as I read "U fucken nigger jew I bet u ete cilantro song sucked," I thought of gladdi (and still laugh every time I read tht line.

The day BBS servers were dead and non-geeks got intent connections....

Well...lets just say that things went downhill after that.

"intent connections" kind of blows my mind

Yes, they got the connections to spread their filthy intent on the web.

IT USED TO JUST BE UNIX DISTRIBUTIONS AND SCI-FI DISCUSSIONS IN HERE! NOW LOOK AT IT!

The Eternal September... (Ah, who am I kidding? I didn't get into Usenet until 1996. I am such a newb.)

Indeed, sir. The day the telegraph was invented, and anyone - that is, anyone with a yearly income of more than 1000 pounds - could air their blather, then the end of Empire was certain, and the world would go to the dogs.

Yrs, Phineas T Fogg

P.S I like your fancy dress.

Good show old bean.

Splendid recollection, companion.

You have a companion?

You have a recollection?

I have a Splendid!

I use Splenda!

I have an enormous cock...wait what?

Like one of these?

D... dad?

At least it isn't your mother..?

What a disappointment that would be.

My mum has a semi-choad.

that tastes like sugar cause its made from sugar!

I have diabetes!

I do not know what Danno Dinwiddie means. He shall have to explain. Yowza.

His enormous dong and sack strains his underwear.

(gasp)

or Danno Dinwiddie has cacked in his underpants

Quote:
Danno Dinwiddie has cacked in his underpants

The thought of his epic cack makes me sick.

like this?
(i hope that works)

huzzah!

Serves me right. I was merely trying to make a lame pun: *epic cack* -- *Ipecac* (get it? It's an emetic -- and I said "makes me sick"). Certainly warrants the shit you gave me.

n/m


Epic cack is a clear mispelling, though, so actually it just makes you sic.

We have reached pun event horizon

'sic gloria transit mundi' - thus passes the glory of the world

Nicely played.

....as it were. BOOYAH! (Any classics people out there?)

I dont get it (i'll Google it later), but i apologise, it was out of line for me to do that!

I actually wrote an essay for my creative non-fiction class titled "Douchebags: An Internet Story," and I really wish I'd been able to rip off this alt-text to put in the essay.

I thought you said "creative" non-fiction.

I think YouTube shades it

This comic strip makes me want to laugh and cry.

I'd be all like, ABLOOHAHABLOOBLOOHAHAHABLOO

Solid 5 for an accurate representation of the more loathsome corners around the Internet.

Facebook is way more toxic to the intellect. Way, way, more. The comments on Youtube are so stupid that it like they are not even water soluble. If the poison won't dissolve, it won't get into your system, and is thus harmless. Facebook though? Hell of carcasses all over the place. "Suzy has just made Capo in Mafia Wars."

Onstad forgot to have the Facebookers repeat the last letter of words multipleeee timesssssssssss for emphasis.

Holy fucking shit! This is staggeringly funny. Onstad tells the internet HOW IT IS. Onstad: 1. Internet: 0. I laughed milk out my nose even though I wasn't drinking any milk.

Assetbar: a higher class of toxic user.

1st Assetbar Offense. Thoughtfully fingers Lame button.

Girls prefer it if you pay more attention when fingering their lame button.

What other buttons haven't I heard of?

The off button does work. Science showed a lack of G-button, which most of us knew anyway (the female orgasm is a horrible myth)

I'm so glad you're back.

*kiss*hug*penetration

Quote:
(the female orgasm is a horrible myth)

While certainly not possible for every woman, the Big O definitely exists, altho often not just from dicksmanship alone. I've even experienced the simultaneous O, for which I thank Our Creator in abundance.

This is the devil speaking. He is telling lies to make you feel bad that your penix is less than ten inches. It doesn't matter how big it is (as long as it's bigger than 7), women will not achieve climax. It is a myth. They use it to control you. Xenu started this lie ten jillion years ago to kep men from meeting their potential.

Quote:
Xenu started this lie ten jillion years ago to kep men from meeting their potential.


Implicit in your statement is that men give a goddamn what women feel. No frigid bitch is getting between me and my potential.

Actually, I always get them off to a good start by licking the alphabet on the man in the canoe - I sometimes don't make it as far as 'Z' (sometimes 'Y')

The alphabet in caps, if you think about it, has a nice mix up of repeated and varied patterns and directions.

I mean, it's not like I've got this.....CAAAVERnous assetbar that I've gotta go spelunking in with a helmet with a light, and a little canary in a cage. (Margaret Cho fans?)

lol she is fat lol

I can't find the lame button.

You should see a doctor. Or a comedic dairy farmer.

This is a trick comic. Fold your monitor together to view the true message.

So, who else just tweeted @ha_ha ha ha! #hahaha?

No one, I hope

#hee_hee, #wahaha?

This comment has been blocked by a decent cat.

The twitter example is " Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo " for the 21st century.

I love that in that article they have a picture of a buffalo and the city of Buffalo, with captions describing them as such. THANKS WIKIPEDIA NOW I GET IT.

lols #hahaha #hahahahaha #lol

So, why isn't Assetbar in the running here for 'special consideration?' I do not understand

There are no idiotic readers or writers here. Everyone know that. Didn't you learn that from the guy you met at the airport? The one who introduced you to Assetbar?

I found the URL for Assetbar on the wall in the men's room at Portland International, but I never met the guy who wrote it there

All I ever find in the lady's room is Mike, willing to provide me with a good and fun time.

W Wait. Did you know my name somehow. That is creepy.

Also: hot

There should be a sexual sprite that jumps around in women's bathrooms giving them orgasms: sort of like Wee Willie Winkle, except for orgasmic purposes. Mighty Mike Manmeat?

In many men's rooms, we have such sprites.

[IMGS OFF]

I live in Portland, and we don't go in for those bathroom shenanigans.

Maybe not in Portland, Maine. I meant the real Portland, where bathroom shenanigans are the norm

See above.

to be honest, imdb is much worse than either youtube or facebook

There can be no worse than Youtube. IMDb may come close but it's not worse.

Yahoo! Answers and the rotting carcass that was once Myspace should also be considered.

Actually, Yahoo! answers can't be considered intellectually toxic so much as it is a beautiful work of modern art.

"What are some great books fitting this description?
I'm a teen but I hate teen fiction. I'm at a higher level then most. I love compelling topics like abortion polygamy eating disorders conspiracy and I love modern philosophy. Any suggestions?"

~Found two days ago

"help i took a pregnancy test and it said i was pregnant but its been nine weeks and the baby hasnt been born yet so am i still pregnant???"

~Found about a month ago by a friend

How is babby formed?

babby is driving?

Who is driving oh my god babby is driving how can this be?!?

Chubbied for Clerks TV show reference.

I prompted him :(

prompt chubby for prompting.

Or at least it would be prompt if prompt on the internet was not within 7 seconds.

OK, now I think prompt is a stupid word. Can it be replaced with 'C:'?

How about a nice {:C|

Looks kinda like Brezhnev

You look like Brezhnev you bitch

ur mom

They need to do way instain mother>

What about 4chan? its all poop and children.

Why am i always the one who mentions child porn?

cuz yr special :)

holy shit. This is the most accurate description of such things I may have ever read!

Unfortunately, I suffer from the inverse of Danno's predicament.

You have a five-pound vagina?

In a ten-pound absence of underwear.

In my defense, it has been rather cold, lately.

My Euphus, Herr Heinettler?

It is... complicated...

...

I believe I have the global IP on the term "nigger jew" and all of its derivatives

This is so real to life you have to wonder what Onstad does between comics OMG HAHAHAHAHA jkjkjkjk ;0;0;0;0 Chris ur SOO good @ wat u do! Dnt ever change! May god bless u n urs 4eva n eva u dsver evrythin!!! How r the babY!!! Cunt ass jew you suck asshole

stay out of gladi's outbox, jerk.

Gladi's way beyond that type of tripe, my friend.

i disagree. he constantly has onstads pubes stuck to his chin. constantly.

But in a better way than I do also HE'S NOT REAL CALM DOWN.

psh.

Most Bobbys of the internet do not have the benefit of their mother after page 1 of comments though, let's be realistic.

i sent onstad a tweet asking if he was secretly british

he didnt reply but i assume so from his pooty ass writing style ahahahaha haha hahahahah ahaaha

A comment left by analproblems was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by plummet, nice-on-water, re5urgam, ANDERSMN, Epicurus)

Okay, man. That's "cool." We all "look forward" to your next bout of Achewood fanfic

bonus strip is the same thing but with Robert Fripp in every panel just jammin

Yeah like 30 Robert Fripps who all join up in formation to make the shape of a giant guitar, all wailing in tandem. Philippe sees this and gets so pumped he almost kicks his mom right in the face

Not his mom!

Shark!

Duck!

Gooooose!
[IMGS OFF].

look, no hands!

His Thetan is buoyant.

As is the wampeter of their duprass.

KV-chub

And a KY rubbed chub for you too.

"awww, is that shark naked?? "

since we doin' captions i did 12

I don't imagine Tom Cruise as a top.... And his worried look makes me think he doesn't feel comfortable either. Nice thumbs up he's giving, though.

"the test came back negative!"

You deserve to be lamed, but your vision for the script is actually fantastic. If Onstad has any sense he will get you on board in an advisory capacity as soon as possible. I want to know who taught Phillipe that filthy cockney accent (although I know from experience that the arc will end up focusing on a business venture Lyle and Teodor come up with while watching Todd backflip).

awesome

Is that Onstad's face pasted over Jennifer Burns' head?

I believe it is, though it's hard to say for sure. Also, I'm surprised that you're the first person to mention this.

Ha! Awesome.

Onstad's wife walks in to his study to find him hunched over the computer, photoshopping his face onto a crudely drawn woman's head.
'It's for a strip I'm doing' he says rather too quickly.

She stares at him for several long moments, pretending not to look at the screen. It is an awkward silence. Nodding slowly, she then turns and walks out, still silent. In her mind, a peeping baby bird is crushed by the immense posterior of a hippopotamus.

Onstad returns to his screen -- "fuck! Now I'm gonna have to work this shit into a strip (just like that goddamn Nagel sheep)."

Chubbied for Onstad's well-known sheep preference.

Hi Onstad, thanks, it's really nice to see updates more often again!

This really makes me appreciate my Facebook friends. Evidently things could be a LOT worse.

My Facebook friends like everything I say!

cpnglxynchos likes this

>poke

Become a fan of Appreciating Facebook Friends!

YouTube. Easily. What is portrayed in this comic is barely the tip of the iceberg.

Fact. There are no porn site spam comments, only one racist, and a mother to defend her child. On Youtube that's practically divine intervention.

You know, I've somehow never been interested in what's going on below the screen when I watch porn...

Well I was talking about Youtube but okay, we can talk about porn. Me neither?

I thought you were talking about comments ON porn sites. I'm a bit slow sometimes. Boobs?

Boobs are related. Love em. Moist.

I thought girls didn't watch porn. This is an interesting development.

Ha! Yeah, and they don't fart either.

Ha!

BRRRRRT

Gesundheit dear.

fap fap fap@this comment thread

pop pop pop@your fascist head

bang bang@your commie stomach

bang@yourstomach.com

D... dad?

Less tears, more beers, Woody.

Norm you're not looking like yourself...yet.

There ya go.

tearsforbeers...dot com.


no scar...dot com.

You should try reading the comments on Xvideos sometimes, especially the ones for interracial vids.

why would pornography even open itself up to that sort of criticism

why, pornography?

It's not just about the slavish, robotic, self-abuse and the dead eyed women who you hope are just horribly short of money, because somehow that's less depressing than the idea that they are doing those things in a deluded reach for approval and validation. It's about building a community.

I feel dirty for knowing exactly why you decided to use slavish and why you decided to use it first.

Pornography tells a story...of some kind of love.

sumtimez itz so byootiful...

Ha! I actually read those. Not specifically interracial, but the ones where someone goes JESUS WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS and everyone goes Yes but why? Then someone goes OH MARY I WANT UR PUSSY ON MY FACE???!

do you still hate me alec?

Okay, convulsively funny, esp. the Hello Kitty twitter exchange between hahaha and hahhaha, but is the facebook string one big joke of misinterpretation? I mean, she posts a pic from soph year and everyone sez how great she looks? (BTW she looks like shit.)

exactly what i was thinking. and that means the person wants to find someone to give her a really outdated haircut.

Yes, that's the joke and one that happens quite a lot on the Facebook pages of women over the age of 28. BTW she might be Onstad? A few inches up from here it's been determined.

All the other lady commentators look like they are using oldish pictures as well. I look with trepidation to the days when I use pictures taken in this period to represent my new haggly self.

ME WHEN I WAS AN INTERNET...O HOW THE YEARS FLY!!!1

ME WHEN I WAS A MAUDE MENTEN-SHARK-BIRD CHIMAERA

ME WHEN I GOT A LIVE CHICKEN SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP YOU SUCK SO MUCH KISS MY ASS

i use an age-enhanced photo of myself. It is sort of a meta thing, sort of a commentary on missing children.

In the facebook one there's no people with a their own made up nickname as their middle name. Eg Tucker T-Bone, Nikki No Lip.

Mostly black people do that.

Just like your mother.

Who I boned.

Tucker T-Bone is my SON you horrible racist.

Do not want to meet Nikki No Lip.

Well what's the worst? Racism, stupidity, or retardation?

Aren't they the same thing?

draw in color you nigger jew

Sammy Davis Jr. refuses to comply with your request.

happy king day everyone

Managing your own outer ring is a valuable social skill

*snickers* (sorry)

Silently, Sammy Davis jr. wiped a tear from his eye and vowed to improve his guitar songs.

His glass eye.

All the ladies love a brass arm.

LLBA's "Mama Said Clock You With My Brass Arm" drops March 1st.

The winner is Youtube. And every poster here is Lewis72.

Lewis is my SON, you horrible Internet!

Youtube is the most toxic, and often the most entertaining.

props to onstad for putting his own face on ms. burns

Haha! Sadly, that is a fairly accurate representation of the internet.

I wager that Youtube will be the womb of Skynet. The standards of the Turing Test are substantially lower in that environment. The US government could easily write a script that made racist, conspiracy laden comments only tangentially related to the discussion at hand, you filthy crackers.

Every woman on facebook is married and every man is not.

Possible point of interest: 'Bobby's Guitar Song' is actually Canon Rock, performed by Funtwo [youtube account guitar90]

It's the top result on here: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=canon rock&search_type=&aq=f

Everyone guitar song on Youtube is Canon Rock.

But 4chan is the worst though.

Over 9000 pedophiles!

all of them raping children

[b]life is too transient. the feelin's 'n emotions for one day, teh notions 1 has on one day are so diff, gone, less intense on another. 1 ting dat may delight u will later not be so, to ur core. der is no denyin'.

our time is short heres yall alls we really have is wat we do n teh ways we live/wat we do. make sure u live n way dat makes you proud. dont matter wat. nilla waffers eeryday make for good life jus always remb. eerybody else be doin' samefink so don expect no1 to do wat u wanna them to n don' u do nothin u aint decide is right for urself lettin other peeps run yo shit can be aight, advisors n shit think of it that way but dont b they bitch.

never be a bitch. stan 4 urself n alla u hab cuz ur teh only u n u aint gonta bow 2 nobody u aint think deserves dat.

dont b afraid o dyin' cuz deth cum 4 eery1 n is easy to die lik once green leaf; now brown fall to teh groun'. is dat easy 4 2 lose ur life so dun waste nother second fearin it jus b like 'i libed my life good up til nah n come wat may'.

thas teh way to be.

CUT! WOULD DANCER NUMBER 5 PLEASE GIVE ME MORE JIGGLE? THIS IS A MUSIC VIDEO, NOT THE PRICE IS FUCKING RIGHT! SORRY TO STOP YOU GLADI, I JUST WANT THIS RIGHT, DIG? DIG! ALRIGHT PEOPLE FROM "DONT BE AFRAID 'O' DYING" TWO THREE FOUR!

GLAD
equals
https://bit.ly/7xRJ0s
plus
https://bit.ly/68nRlh
divided by 2.

THOSE VIDEOS ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LINK THOSE I FUCKING WATCHED THEM BOTH WHAT THE FUCK.

FUCK, MAN.

dont click links bro now he has your IP and will kill rob you

East 17 are an English pop boy band formed in 1992. The group achieved 18 Top 20 singles and four Top 10 albums and were one of the famous boy bands along with Take That from the United Kingdom during the early to mid 1990s. They occasionally blended rap and pop in songs such as "House of Love", "Steam" and "Let It Rain", attaining popularity as a result of concurrent appeal to demographics of both fags and niggers.

gladdi you need to depolarize

this 1 goes out 2 all teh lonely males listnin' dis evenin'. here we goes.


*intro* *taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-ssss sssssss *
*taaaaaa-ssss ssssss sssss*
*taaa(dum, dum dummmmm [drums enter now]}aaa-ssss ssssss *
*da-da dum da-da-dum (tempo ramps) da-da-dum da-da-dum da-da-dum-da-da-dum-da-da dummmmmdum dum dum dum dum CRASH

Baby, u no use ma girlllll(C sharp)
ooo b-b-b-baby girllll(emphasis on the L's)
you the wonn for meeee (spelt this way to emphasis)
*ta-ta dummmmmdmdmdmdm ta-ssss sssssSSSSSSSSS da-ba-boom-da-ba-doom doom booom CRASh *

oh baby girrrrrrr rrrRRLLLL
i want you so bad-so bad-so-bad to me
I wish-- *vocal pause. beats*
--you'd come back to me??? (sing how is spelt. will make sense when you hear it)
i only ever-*caugh* i only ever-ever-ever *drums, hard, BEAT HIT IT*
wanted your-- *symbols. all tsssss sssSSS *
--touch??? (same as b4. trust me)

oh baby-oh baby dont go(dont leeme)
oh baby oh-baby oh (baby dont go...)
come--(hard drums. hard[ )
BACK--(fast. be fast) to me
never go (never go[soft])

never go again...(wind it down. ta ta-da ta ta-da ta. ta da, ta. ta. da-ta. tsssssssss

moshi moshi otaku fans thankx for listlinin to me

Intersting, I could actually hear this in my head.

It did make sense when I heard it.

C# is the perfect chord to tell a girl she is your girl.

Or the perfect language to program her a webpage that shows her each week which supermarket has the best deal on steak so she can buy and cook one for you.

I don't think it was necessary for Onstad to use my FB profile to mock. I'm just a lady trying to catch up with old friends. He is so mean.

Onstad really seems worried about the crumbling of our civilization these days, which is ironic because he's part of the problem

XD

If by 'the crumbling of civilization' you mean 'all the inane bullshit people waste their time doing on the internet' - There will always be idiocy on the internet... before the internet there was idiocy too, but it was less accessible. Onstad's just using the medium of the age. Because he's self-publishing online, he gets to write exactly what he wants, with whatever frequency suits him, and without answering to an editor. Bill Watterson and Gary Larson might well have been publishing a century ago for how different the arena is now. Onstad's giving something awesome to the world, and the internet happens to be the most effective way to do it.

This oughta be a two-parter. In the next installation Onstad could delve into the truly despicable trolling featured on 4chan, Trade Chat, and of course assetbar.

Trade chat.

You have just disqualified yourself from getting laid by internet women. Also, I find trade to be slightly less wrist-opening than the ad hoc standard places for weird chat on WoW. My server has a Pornshire population, and it gives me the heaves every time I go near it. Fucking druids are all furries.

...it gives me heaves every time i go... fucking... all (the) furries

Can I still get laid by real women?

Pretty much ALL THE WAY, especially as concerns Twitter. This must be culled from real life.

Chris Onstad, take it back! The internet is mankind's collective, most perfect Id, and for that we have to love it, respect it, and cherish it. Never mock it, no matter what it shows you.

Also, without the internet, I'd never know how much I love Ariel (human form) with inflated breasts and calves, or that to study insemination in the Early Days some scientist would put male frogs in little rubber trousers before they got it on.

And I'd never have written the Ariel/Frog fan-fiction that resulted in the learning of that factoid!

Is that the sort of future you want for your children? Is that the sort of past you sigh for?

You see me now, a veteran of a thousand Youtube comment wars, and where's my parade ?

Chubby (partially) for the Blue Öyster Cult reference.

(comment because I am quite proud to have got it myself)

nigger

don't say nigger on the intrtnet chink

Say "Southern prince"

teh signs reads: " nigger southern prince don't let teh sun come down on you in this county"

I know nothing of southern princes . However, I know a late pop king who was rather keen on sons going down on him.

I'm not your Southern Prince, pigmentally gifted person...

idk bro. 'pigmentally gifted?' we can do better. choose a mineral of the same color and add a title like shah

Shah Obsidian

Emir Anthracite?

Nat King Coal?

I'm not your buddy, guy.

shoulda had a special consideration for assetbar

The truest shit ever.

Have a good day at work, chinks.

Thanks peckerwood

psst.....come closer i don't want to talk too loud.

has anyone else noticed the apparent absence of aiu? everybody is being really nice to one another, no long, rambling posts. (gladi has special dispensation.)

do trolls have vacations like real people or has someone taken up that contract at last?

Anyway, it's good to see a number of new posters, even some of the old regulars have popped their heads above the parapet, and the return of short witty good natured posts.

happy new year to you all.

I only read your post by chance; I'm only reading like 5% of the posts anymore. I been rather busy in my personal life.

also, another thing, is I started hanging out on the pay side of assetbar, and I also started hanging out on TOUAMB, and those both take up time. I have a project to troll the pay side of assetbar, but it will have to wait until I have more time, so for now I'm much less involved in online hanging out in general.

And finally, I have been upstaged. It's bad enough that this tremendous opportunity to troll presents it's self without any way to get there. (airport in disarray, seaport smashed, roads impassable) That's bad enough. Adding insult to injury, kicking me while I'm down, Pat Robertson exhibits a master stroke of genius and manages to take credit for one of the greatest trolls ever. And all the media gives him coverage. What has PAt Robertson done that's so original I ask. What has he said that I haven't said 10 times over, and worse? Dude is plainly channeling me. I'm the best. I'm the worst. Pay attention to meeeee. Not him, meeee... I'm the droid you're looking for. I'm Satan incarnate. Me, not him, me! me! me!

Compared to Pat Robertson, you're missbee.

I knew Pat Robertson. Pat Robertson was a friend of mine. Ratacat, you are no Pat Robertson.

Oh fuck; I've awakened the sleeping beast.

But it's good to see you expanding into new areas. Don't feel obliged to stay here on our account. I'm sure we all understand if you are too busy with you new friends to have time for us. Go with our blessings.

Please!

Great observation. Happy New Year to you, too.

Perhaps aiu sought professional help, or the men in the white jackets snatched him.

I bet u ete celantro

His next strip should be on these assetbar comments.

Spoiler alert!

Regarding which site has the most toxic commenting culture, the New York Times online deserves - in all seriousness - at least an honorable mention. mention. in all seriousness.

Your avicon deserves - in all seriousness - several awards.

personally, I ignored eds_pds. I'm just not a huge fan of animated images of violence. But I guess that turns some people on.

interesting. tell me more about your enlightened sensiblities...

*leans back, unbuttons shirt*

that sounded kinda dumb. By animated, I didn't mean animated, I meant animated gifs of videos of people committing acts of violence.

anyway. you knew what I meant. so fuck you, you're now ignored too.

Dude has issues.

fuck you. everyone has issues, asshole. everyone, including your mother. IF you wanted to share with us your sense of superiority, your sense that someone else's issues are misplaced, misguided, or whatever, you needn't have bothered. Your being an arrogant prick is in no way original and I think I speak for the majority of people when I say that we are probably not fastidiously counting every last prick in the world. So shut your mouth until you have something new and different to contribute to the world. If you don't have anything more to contribute to the world than random expressions of egocentrism and condescension then maybe you should find and swallow the contents of a large bottle of sleeping pills, preferably on an empty stomach.



Come on, man! "Random expressions of egocentrism and condescension?" That's what YOU just did! I mean, y'know?

heh heh. yeah, I did, didn't I. But don't you get a free pass when you're in the right?

Everybody pays for their tickets.

Another thing: I'm sixteen, you're thirty-eight, you're having an argument with a teenager on the internet.

He's not real

oooohhhh shiiiiit

[quick]Another thing: I'm sixteen, you're thirty-eight, you're having an argument with a teenager on the internet. [/quote]
And then this way old guy chimes in -- hey, anyone from Azerbijan online today? Dog pile!

New from Pogo: the quick quote! [Shit!]

I like how you still identify yourself as Pogo, though.

Well, the secret was out long ago, thanks to that scorpio guy, I think. The main difference between my characters: Pogo was a perve for underage girls.

Aw that Pogo, always pervin' on the underage girls. Hyuk yuk yuk.

It's not true, that 13-year-old had just done Polanski, and then came over to my place.

D'oh!

It's true, y'know. But he kind of forgot about us when he became granularsilica. We've been in this basement for months, living off edible panties and willpower alone. Please...please send help.

We'll send latex and cameras the cops as soon as possible!

YAY!?

Yeah, thanks for that, cunt, i was merely mentioning it.

you've viewed one strip? welcome to the Asset of Bars, sir!

Kid has viewed exactly ONE STRIP. Either he just now got into Achewood and loves it enough to start commenting immediately, or he's been reading for years and just created an account and could not be bothered to sit at his computer clicking through the whole archive in order to earn the street cred of being a connoisseur. Either way, I can respect that. Takes all kinds.

i had to mouse over his picture to see for myself.

He's actually got only one strip viewed. Everyone look while you can! rarely do you see a profile so unsullied by experience.

He's almost a virgin, to our Assetbar whore-ery.

Could also be a troll.

could be your mom

Could be God himself come down from the heavens to rape another virgin.

Exhibit A: Reactions to the Times' announcement of a future paywall.

[IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]

INDEED.

I quit reading the NY Times back when every other link to an interesting article starting hitting their pay wall. that was years ago.

You have no idea about Bobby's thumb, Lewis72.

I thought Todd couldn't use a computer? He's obviously posting under the name Shepter here.

That would seem to imply that Todd does laundry. w/e

I think by "Laundry" he means he just licked a shirt collar that he spilled a bit of anti-freeze on until the stars came out.

Well, it has been five days. In the precedent set by granularsilica a few strips back, I want one of you with the obscure but clever screennames to step forward and explain. Begin:

what on earth are you talking about

It's simple.

Kill the Batman.

Hey, wanna see my disapearing pencil trick?

Chubby for way, way, way "inside baseball" comment.

on the internet even you won't know if you are human

negativespace