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Père Thursday, April 22, 2010 • read strip Viewing 475 comments:

Lie Bot, get out. This is /the saddest thing/.

Philippe has been practicing.

Liebot was right. Philippe wasn't ready.

https://twitpic.com/fa84i


The saddest thing.

NO! NO NO NO NO! NO! NO NO NON ON O NO NO NON O!

You son of a bitch, I'm crying my eyes out.

i said that.

hey I'm in san francisco for a week if anyone wants to meet up for chat or meaningless sex. also if you have cats I would like to hang out with your cats I miss my cats.

I have no cats and i live in Norway :(

Thats the saddest thing.

Look me up, Czordie@hotmail.com

he's a hacker. you might get a VIRUS.

yeah i BET

gettit a virus from SEX haha

Nope, just a dude that lives in San Fran
my hackin skills are mega-nasty. they are dog shit

no man. I meant if you get the stormtrooper thrust on with ratacattt, keep that protective codpiece on. He carries the diseases he picks up in his computering lifestyle.

Ratacattt is the recent alias for AIU, who is a notorious hacker 'round here that works tirelessly to exploit weaknesses in the Assetbar program, disabling more features with each attack, all for his greater good.

Don't be silly, wrap your willy.

seems pretty clear now that deneuve's gonna come back from his svenhard's all hot for a little beard on beard and he's gonna drive philippe back to achewood in the bus of his dick

A comment left by tinhand was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by UncleRifle, johnnybaverage, cblaines, apocowarg, Scleropages, blastradius, sean1058, CK421, Feste, Rykan, edana, antecen, farqussus, Scorpio_nadir, Stonecrab, tarranon, Fedallah, Lynnym, coldfrog, desert_donkey, lateadopter, Methadone, cailetshadow, JimmyK, legaltenderness, abe, wingspan, pulkbaby, Lohninck, franklinbluth)

You broke assetbar. Nice.

[IMGS OFF]

THANK GOD.

LOL [IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]
it looks the same if you just type it, too!

guys is this natural to have this on your balls

[IMGS OFF]

Also i have this things in my ass hole its spreading

[IMGS OFF]

Lord spare me from that awful [IMGS OFF]

goddamn you

not bad, but you're no manflesh

I noticed that Manflesh was posting but not including any fanfiction, so I did my best to fill the void.

Do better.

I could, or you could. Think about it, who among us can reasonably and successfully emulate The Honorable Doc Manflesh? Go ahead and try to do better, but we'd all fall down.
Wow I'm taking this seriously, yay white ace

None of us could or should try to do what you're doing. It is a lofty and rotten goal. It is hard to do and it shouldn't be done. By anyone. Not even him.

Link to it next time, spacehog.

And include the phrase "grunting like a spacehog" in it.

And don't forget to say "the saddest thing," "only game in town," "Bloo boo boo" "he is five" there goes a special boy" and "Phillippe is standing on it" over again to hilarious effect.

Correct. I wanna cum on THESE KNIVES.

Make sure you're careful.

Yes, I will be careful to cover every inch of steel with my cum. Don't you worry about that.

I'm not sure, but didn't you just solve THE MOTHERFUCKING RIDDLE OF STEEL?!?!?

oh god these knives

Also, somebody's axe

Jesus, dude. Do the words "refractory period" mean anything to you?

Whoa, go no further. Periods are bad enough. I don't want your crazy geometric periods.

I should point out that it's just a copy and paste job

what news from the north?

This shit's all CHING CHONG WING WONG

If manflesh has no interest in a void, neither should you.

so i scrolled thru the comments and i went OH SHIT MANFLESH and had to stop and read. no homo.

nice prose. a little highbrow and intellectual, but still okay. oh, and nice avatar too.

;)

you are an insignificant little fuck. go hide somewhere and consume festering camel feces until your ulcers bleed out. ass.

Meeting of the capns, five minutes.

Topic: The Commadore -- Why Don't We Have A Position Named After Us?

gayy

Chubby for avatar.

danke

A comment left by blastradius was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by EvilChick, the_doz, HNimrod, hausea, exits2freeways)

A comment left by blastradius was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by EvilChick, bengreens, the_doz, HNimrod, Scorpion13, hausea, exits2freeways)

the frenchman allows for heartbreaking diaglogue.

*frenchman

(fine, OCD, fine I'll correct it)

Dude, I swear to god Achewood always make sense. In fact, it makes more sense than anything. But when you come home drunk, and there is a new achewood, achewood makes more sense than anything in the world, straight up, damn straight.

makes sense

Your words, they are the truest.

Man, I cannot figure out what was corrected here. Is 'Frenchman' spelled with an asterisk now?

*ze frenchman*

fixed

what about "diaglogue"

What? That's just what you get when two (or more) dudes get a glogue goin'.

Triaglogues, or the Isosceles Lock, is just messy and superfluous.

Which is exactly why Run-DMC's third guy was the DJ.

Philippe -- French name -- French papa -- what's the problemo?

They're French.

Get out here! French me!

HEY! My chubboomerang just came back!
(must be that azn buffet I just had, all furious dingdong wonton soup)

Philippe is French?

N...n...nnnoooooo!

I am starting to think that Philippe was made in Mexico. Come to think of it, this makes a lot of things make a lot of sense.

This is a Mexican Magical Realism dad. When he flashes you, his stomach imprints your true self. Wait, no, that's cameras.

Jokes about child molestation

Had... by a fox?
...
Tell me more.

dude what the hell how can a fox have an otter where did you get that from WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAN and phillipe's mom is his mom not his grandmother, she's just old like his dad (who by the way makes a reference to his mother calling her phillipe's grandmother so there's your answer)

The fox had the otter ... for dinner.

obligatory achewood superfan (me): how the fuck is that meaningless?

That is his grandfather merely explaining a story about home. Not implying that his mother is in fact his grandmother.

That is his father, talking about his own mother, Philippe's Grandmother.
I doubt the guy was married at 15.

...is, is he /still five/?

Philippe is five.

%u201CFoxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head, and the Little Otter has no home to go back to."

This is the realest thing ever. You always feel like you're pretending at being home each time you go back, and it is harder and harder to pretend everytime. Eventually it stops being going home and turns into visiting your parents. Then it's good again.

My parents can't deal with the fact that their home is not really home for me anymore. It is quite sad and confusing.

Thegoblins parents said "What's wrong? This shirt costs $20." Thegoblins said "This shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"

Rowboat, you are a favorite persons.

He is unnecessarily probing. But yes, he is a good persons.

With his probe.

Ha ha. He got you too?

I'll see that and raise you my first visit home when my room wasn't my room anymore and was merely 'the spare bedroom'.

It's difficult to let go both ways.

My only question here is; was his father really there to start with? Seems unlikely, but then if you think about it for a while it seems like you could go either way.

I'm surprised he didn't end this with a C'est la vie. I'm going to propose Phillipe's father is fact not French at all.

Phillipe's father is Krebs from Hemingway's Soldier's Home

no he's the guy they named the Krebs cycle after

So does this mean that Philippe is oxidative phosphorylation?
He does after all need to produce a lot of ATP for huuuugs!

The man went to war when he was thirteen. And not one of your namby-pamby Anglo-American wars either. This was a proper, first half of the century, continental European war. Lorries full of soldiers rattling up and down little country lanes. Villagers being shot for refusing to give up the location of the partisans. The enemy officers up in the chateau, knocking back hundred year old brandy and feeling up tipsy peasant girls who will later have their heads shaved for fraternization. Show some goddamn respect.

Well it reads more like an Italian accent rather than a French accent. To me, at least. I'm surprised, usually Onstad is pretty

*pretty verisimilar.
Damn my touchy keyboard.

Here comes a special boy.

There goes a special boy.

Let the erection punching begin.

Mexican magical realism? All a dream? I don't know anymore.

If anything it seems more like French magical realism

French magical surrealism.

the moral is straight-up american modernism

NO MORAL!

I feel like my heart just got punched on its erection.

"No michael, this is different. It's like my HEART is getting hard..."

STEVE HOLT!

Looking forward to tomorrow!

This would make my heart sad even if I didn't have ovaries.

A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by static, edana, extortshorties, antecen, Scorpio_nadir, newspaperdrone, hoarday4, lonestar52)

A comment left by jaminspoon was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by cpnglxynchos, Comrade_Tom, I_Love_Kate)

You gotta be an equal opportunity lamer dude, only way to true equality.

It's the truth. And like suffragette Emily Davidson, I am prepared to throw myself into the path of an oncoming lame for what I believe in. Gimme what you got.

Well? What are you waiting for? Do it.

DO IT!

And then hellofditties was turned into a fine red mist on the Antarctican tundra.

You dropped your protractor, chief.

Stop talking about my lady hash that way, you!

Man that was some cold ass Cormac McCarthy shit right there.

Because I could not stop for Lame,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Assetbarrity.

We slowly drove, he knew no....

wait, what?

It only works if you (general "you") wanna do Dos (read: "sex") with Lames. Which, I guess, is cool if that your thing.

Most of Emily Dickinson's poetry can be sung to the tune of The Yellow Rose of Texas, the Gilligan's Island theme song, or a good majority of hymns.

this all worthless bullshit.

Today, gladi8orrex is proved wrong.

glad's got Dickinson envy, ya'll.

Oh snap

Her metre is very common.

Emily Davison is an entirely different lady.

You have humbled me. I bow before you in shame.

Ok so I really went "shit!" and moved on.

I tried to picture this in terms of your avatar before I realized that Philippe would only go shit and move on in the most literal sense. (Except at Beef's wedding)

Cue Tourette's Guy yelling

PISS!!

I used to exist in the vicinity of a dude with Tourette's. Every time females walked into the cafeteria he yelled "BITCHES. I HATE BITCHES! FUCK!"

This may be the best one:

So has a Daisy vanished
From the fields today --
So tiptoed many a slipper
To Paradise away --

Oozed so in crimson bubbles
Day's departing tide --
Blooming -- tripping -- flowing
Are ye then with God?

Emil Dickenson Revealed: could she rhyme
the "tide/God" debate
TONIGHT ON FOX

Emil..... y
Emily.


*frown*

It took me some time to realize that suffragette Emily Davidson was not, in fact, luscious French tart Emily Dickinson. Her tippet only tulle, etc.

Yes this is my Point Exactly! Gosh, people.

God you two, get a room.
A LESBIAN ROOM HAHAHA


..
why am I so awkward around the ladies, whyyyyy

You need to work on your delivery.
Repeat after me:
God you two, get a room.
In fact, I've got a nice, comfy spare room you can use. It's stocked.

It's locked.

Chubbied because I appreciate the sentiment. There there, there there.

I don't really understand social dynamics, does this mean we are dating
ohh man I am going to have to update my facebook status already our relationship is a chore god we should just end it I never liked the quiches you made and I silently hated your treatise on Bukoswki there I said it :[

Wait, how do you know Daaaaaamn's a girl? Maybe it's a dude with an ovary collection.

The plural of ovum is ova.

Jaminspoon, I'm somewhat troubled that you think we assign lames or chubbies by consensus.

Don't be, I don't. My moral and logical bedrock inexplicably transmogrifies from comic to comic. In some cases, comment to comment.
I was waiting for the "lulz white knight" replies, I mean along with the normal altruistic syllogisms... but I was surprised by this outcome to be honest. Yet another reason why I love this community so dearly.
My first 2 lames are a harsh, and somewhat heartrending reminder that the assetbar must always be treated like a beautiful tiger who's balls you are squeezing for a man smelling a canteloupe who does not approve of your life decisions, and he may or may not loan you the money to have your 2002 Altima's A/C repaired, and he knows you need an answer but he just keeps smelling that canteloupe.
No moral here, kids.

I think you are a person who thinks too much about things. This is what I'm thinking about your thinking.

The essence of politics resides in the modes of dissensual subjectification that reveal the difference of a society to itself. The essence of consensus is not peaceful discussion and reasonable agreement as opposed to conflict or violence. Its essence is the annulment of dissensus as the separation of the sensible from itself, the annulment of surplus objects, the reduction of the people to the sum of the parts of the social body, and of the political community to the relationship of interests and aspirations of these different parts. Consensus is the reduction of politics to the police.

That is how french philosophers say 'fuck consensus'. and Habermas. Fuck that guy

sassy black lady, bowling alley, &c.

Tripchub for totally burning Habermas.

lamed for pulling a girl's hair on the playground while she had ovaries .

I seem to no longer be able to rate strips, or Chubby, or Lame.

Otherwise this would be a 5 and everyone here would be Chubbied out of sympathetic BAAAW.

I haven't been able to rate comics in months.

Not being able to lame or chubby, however, I just discovered today.

Ditto. The rating thing seemed to be turned off around the same time as the images (maybe earlier?). It's been a few months, at least.

I can't chubby anything either, but somebody can - Scorpio's Emily Dickinson-style post above is only an hour old, but it has a chubby.

The inability to give lames is directly linked to the inability to rate strips. This is a Fact. As for the chubbies, I don't know. I can still give them. Maybe you should see someone.

I can chubby, but not lame.

try it to double check. I was able to up until yesterday. maybe i'm on probation because I used up all my chubbies last page and assetbar frowns on being too friendly

I don't use the lame feature, so I wouldn't know shit about that, but yeah, woke up this morning, went to work, saw that there was a new achewood up, tried to chubby a comment, and it shot be back up to the top of the page.

I was browsing through assetbar last night while watching triple-overtime playoff hockey and the chubbies worked just fine.

I chubbied twice, then- SPLASH! ... they said I had an operation?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I CAN STILL SPORT WOOD!

yep, that might be it mockereo. Despite the fact that the "chubby" function now produces exactly the same highly specific behavior as the broken "lame" function produces, maybe it's not broken, maybe it's just a built in function of assetbar that you have never before encountered until just now. From here until the point when you can once again give out chubbies, I'm sure that your inability to give out chubbies will have been due to the fact that you used up all your chubbies on the 04/17/2010 strip, even though this never ever happened before on all the other occasions when you used up all your chubbies. Maybe that's it. Let me guess. You're a rocket scientist and you work for NASA .


i was not being literal about that. thanks for equating me to the people that ended up killing astronauts.

sorry I didn't mean to insult the astronaut killers in this manner.

Nope, still no lame allotment.

Phillipe's dad is Jean-Paul Sartre!

Uncle.

No, sorry, my mistake. Dad. Ghost-dad, I guess.

No.

I would please like him to be an otter version of Jean Reno. During Leon The Professional time, of course.

I want to give you a chubby, Xi. Alas, I cannot.

This is the voice I read his lines in. You may be my psychic twin.

Brother? Bru-bru-brudder!

I will never not misread Jean Reno's name as Janet Reno (and vice versa). It usually makes things much more entertaining to read.

Philippe, we have decided to send you back to Cuba! Enjoy!

P�re is a dumb name for Phillipe's French dad.

Wait.

Home is a time, not a place.

That is a line that I think will stick with me for a while.

Home is not a place nor is it a time. Home is what you make it. Home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest.

I think many here confuse home with childhood... This is not the shattering of Phillipe's illusions about returning home, but about returning to his childhood. Pretty rough for a five year old.

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

This makes Home a very difficult place to burn down.

But I'll keep trying.

Just burn the group of people.

GOD is that obvious.

Try moving seven times before high school cuz your dad's in the Army. Then build a house where he has a heart attack. Then mom remarries and sells it. I so don't have a home to go back to!

A childhood of moving every year or two truly does make one feel like they missed out. No childhood friends you knew all your life, no unrelated family to go to when your parents are gone. Even your relatives don't know you that well.

Then again, we find new friends, and make new families.

That we do, again and again, some of them last, it takes longer to make a home that way, but maybe eventually you have many places that have friends and familiarity and feel like home.

That happened to me when my grandmother died.

I was away at college. My grandmother hadn't lived at home -- she had moved a few states over back in high school. But from the moment I stepped in the door, there was this nagging discomfort. Everything seemed off -- my brother too tall, my parents too nice, my room too dusty. My cat had died but I kept expecting to see her slink through her closet. Dad made the same dishes for dinner, but they all tasted different. I was an equal to my parents, not a son. My friends were for the most part gone, either in their passing, their moving, or their just being completely different people.

It's been the same each time I've been back since then. It isn't really unpleasant anymore, and I still very much appreciate time spent in my old house. It's very different. I am different, as are they. As is everything. It's no longer very difficult to come to term with the fact that, for now, I don't have a home. I have people I love and that's all that really matters. It's enough. But home is not where the heart is. That is silly. Home is a thing, and a place, and a feeling. Not one or two of those things, you need all of them. If you don't, your "home" is just a place you put your shit.

Yep.

Anywhere I wanna lay my head, I'm gonna call my home.

Eet ess a beetersweet sing, no?

Home is...people! (and we must stop them!)

phillipe looks kinda like a dildo

Yes. Clearly, the "had by a fox" guy was wrong. Phillipe's mom was had by a dildo.

I don't even know.

This is you knowing. And this is you not knowing. But you, you're way over HERE. You don't even know.

Man, I really like your avatar. I've never had any interaction with you so I haven't had the chance to tell you.

homo

Chk. Shucks.

Don't even know how to make your customary criticisms seeing as this is the best Achewood strip since Bubble Boy/Chicken Yakitori?

Dang, dude. Let's keep our heads, here.

Seriously. The bubble boy strip is pretty overrated.

I'm down with the Bubble Boy, I'm just not ready to vault this one into the hall of fame just yet. I mean, yeah, it's great, but it's fucking crowded in there.

It's no Mickey Mouse pancake is all I'm sayin'.

Best in the last year or so? Possibly.

I know how I feel about this strip, Rowboat. And it is a way that I have not felt often before.

Seconded.

Strange things are happening in his pants because of this strip, rowboat. Tell him what's happening to him.

The saddest part is that he said "tomorrow's strip." As if we didn't have to wait at least half a week.

Tomorrow, she ees a place, no a time.

This is my favorite strip. Ever.

Tentative agreement chubby.

damn. damn

Space needed to reach the core of "You Can Never Go Home Again":

Thomas Mann: 700 pages

Onstad: 26 panels

Oh. Actually, that would be Thomas Wolfe. Better correct myself before you chubbers do.

And it's "You Can't Go Home Again" ever.

And it's "Onstand."

Uh...

And to be fair, it's taken Onstand more like 8 1/2 years to reach this point. This wouldn't have had the same gravity if this arc had chronologically switched places with Ultra Peanut.

Fwi-wippe!

Papa...

Nicole?

Or is that too obscure?

Not for me. Those ads were on non-stop when I lived in England almost...fuck...20 years ago.

Almost 20 years.

Fuck.

You are my target audience.

An American who lived in the UK for a few years in the early 90's?

Man, you're working some highly specific chuckles.

wow

agreed

The impact of this strip was lost on me when I realised that Philippe's father talks like one of the Mickey Mouse pancakes.

But that means Philippe was hearing the imagined, almost-good-enough pancake talk in the voice of his long lost father!

That adds a whole new dimension to the horror of the mutilated pancake. Perhaps 'went on his own terms' meant his father exited this life by running headlong at a metro one autumn day in Paris?

Onstad, you sick genius!

Are you sure it isn't his grandfather? From my understanding, "Papa" can also be a term applied to a grandparent. He also makes a reference to Phillipe's grandmother, so that's what I had figured.

I'm pretty sure it's his father. Because he makes the mention of being fifteen and "Your grandmother, she hadn't seen me for two years."

Quote:
Wheen I am feefteen, back from the war, I go home.

That would presumably make him fifteen in either 1918 or 1945. Unless Philippe has been five since about 1950, it doesn't really add up.

Holy shit. Philippe probably has been five since 1950. It explains so much.

That's what I'm figuring. This is crazy. I mean, this makes him older than everybody except Cornelius. And possibly the robots, but I think they are rather recently made.

But NOT older, cause he is 5. Weeeeeeird

That doesn't mean he remembers his experiences in the same ways, though. If anything it's probably manifested subcon-

oh my god

Eet could have been le guerre D'Algerie, or peut'etre Vietnam, mon petit.

Good thinking, but I think if you hear a Frenchman discussing "the war" without qualification, it's a pretty safe bet that he's talking about one of the biggies. Those two were "the wars." The others were just "the embarrassments."

Perhaps it was a war amongst Otters that passed beneath human notice

You fucking know it wasn't.

You're telling me the two big'uns weren't a bit of an embarrassment for the French? ;)

The first one, absolutely not. The second one was an embarrassment for French leadership, but not the people.

SHIT should've seen this first.

Lest we forget the Algerian and Vietnamese Wars. But that's nitpicking.

But P�re refers to Philippe as "mon grand". I read that as being a contraction of the French for grandson.

"Mon grand" is an affectionate way of addressing a boy, regardless whether he is blood-related to one.
Therealsnazzle, "papa" only applies to fathers; the equivalent for grandfathers would be "papy", "papi" or "pepe".

Thank you for the clarification, at least now we have more of an understanding of what's going on, especially with the strip directly after this one.

"Mon grand" is like when you graduate from "Mon petit". "My big one" instead of "My little one".

Yes, and it probably happened when Philippe turned from 4 to 5.

Right when he turned into a "massive little man".

Wow, then I've got a "mon grand" in my shorts!

Rock on, pogo.

Oh, really? Do you have time to hear my confession then? Bless me father, for I have sinned...

You have an erection? Oh no, it is getting hell of punched on in the next strip.

Pere (i'm not gonna have my e accent grave eaten by assetbar) is the title of the strip, and that's French for father. My French vocab is uselessly small, but i think grandfather is Grandpere, whereas Pere=Father.

I would like to commend you for this comment. Endsmouth set it up for you, but you slammed it into the back of the net. From now on, for me, that strip will always be about Phillipe looking down at a pancake, and seeing the mutilated face of his dead father.

*sniff* thank you. My work here is done.

Coincidence time: 4 days ago when you posted this, I was navigating the Paris Metro.

I would chubby this comment so hard if I could.

I chubbied it for you just to make sure he knew you enjoyed it.

There better be a LOT of dudes being punched on the erection.

There is a complex but deeply disturbing math that was designed by a team of German doctors for the Third Reich that will assist you in determining just how many dudes it will take. That is as much as I am comfortable in saying.

Crap, I just realized that with images off, all the animated GIFs of Salma Hayek's breasts are gone.

Oh, and today's strip is very good. There's even a possible Manflesh reference, with the erection-punching. Wait, that's definitely a reference to manflesh, but I meant the other one.

Seems I've seen the breast move, they're in the icon field, not images.

This was a different, much larger gif.

He's not talking about that one guy's avatar, pogo. He's talking about comments under the "Gooood tiiiiits" strip.

Oh yeah, I may have been less decent then. Now I try not to look.

And for the record, that "one guy" was kamet.

fattybeaver, actually.

unless, you know, you were joking

Well it depends on which gif of moving tits we're talking about, here. Yes, fattybeaver has the most famous tit gif avatar, but pogo was referring to lateadopter's specific mention of Salma Hayek's moving tits. Lateadopter was lamenting the AIU-induced absence of the large gif of Hayek removing her shirt in an elevator which used to be in a comment thread somewhere under the strip in which Teodor is summoning Hayek in an interpretive dance on Todd's short-lived talk show. When pogo said that he'd "seen the breasts move," I immediately assumed (correctly, I believe) that he was still talking about Salma Hayek's tits, specifically, and only one person has a gif of Salma Hayek's tits as an avatar (or as he puts it, in the "icon field") and that's kamet. She's not around anymore, but her gif of Hayek grabbing her tits (which is different from the large gif in the elevator and which I think someone said was from the film Mallrats, which I haven't seen) lives on.

I've seen a million tit gifs, and I rocked 'em all.

Metallica I can kinda tolerate...

Kid Rock?

I'm not sure what you're talking about, but when you were one-year-old there was this very special band called Bon Jovi who just changed the world forever.

Google that shit.

who knows maybe Kid Rock also ripped off Bon Jovi like he ripped of Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama.

I don't know and I insist on keeping it that way.

certainly the right choice

ignorance is bliss, always.

You are right and I am wrong and the chubby system is broken!

Hey, chubbies are working so you've mine.

I defer to your assetbar titty expertise.

See that you do.

aiu induced qhat? how the fuck an I responsible for this gif disappearing when I don't even remember it? I'm not responsible for imgs off you know

You hacked the image function to fuck with chubbies and lames both here and on the paid Assetbar site, and then all images were disabled entirely. Don't pretend it's a coincidence. No, it's not your fault the admins were too lazy to fix the problem instead of just turning it off, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you deliberately made a mess of this place.

CONGRATULATIONS

YOU "WON"

I don't mean to be disrespectful but I must contradict you on this. First, no one hacked the image function. The image function is merely a vehicle for hacking other functions.

Yes, I did hack the chubby and lame functions, but the image function was not subsequently disabled. Rather, the image function was disabled, months later, immediately subsequent to some other party (not me) using the image function to do some pretty serious hacking of assetbar - stuff like putting "rb was here" in everyone's profile. It's at that point that they decided to turn off images. I don't know if they ever fixed the exploit, however. If they did fix it, then great. If they didn't, then all the hacker would have to do to hack other people's assetbar accounts would be to entice you into clicking on a link, which isn't hard to do.

yeah I did deliberately make a mess of the place a few times here and there in the past, but eh, I've moved beyond that. I'm no longer interested in hacking assetbar.

Reassuring, if true.

Sorry, I didn't realise this had already been covered . I'm sure you'll understand if I'm reluctant to give you the benefit of the doubt, given your track record.

I actually kinda believe you, which is hella awkward. Still, it's your fault and your fault alone that myself and everyone else will always blame you for anything that goes wrong here from now on. We'd be foolish not to.

GOOOOOD TIIIIIIITS

[IMGS OFF] is pretty much the Saddest Thing and the main reason I haven't posted since last year. Fortunately, I'm a massive nerd, and have a lot of the best images and Hastily Photoshopped Buggeries archived. If anyone has any specific requests, let me know and I'll post a link.

I'm really not sure how this isn't one of those 300 chubby comments. I am proud to give it chub #1... Because I'm usually confused about which ones to chubby. But when they give me a chubby, I give you a chubby.

that's the story of my life; always looking in the wrong place when the breast moves.

this strip was made about one hundred times better because I read it at almost two in the morning after walking around the block for a cigarette break.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT IF YOU WANT TO KIND OF FEEL LIKE A GOOD CRY

Terrible avatar/comment symmetry.

CHUBBY

try reading it on the comedown from a wonderful acid trip

PCP will have to do for now.

I am amazed that this storyline started with Ray composting.

And then right after that: Whooooooooo would like some monnnnneyyyy!

Meanwhile, we all missed Roast Beef's birthday yesterday...

aw shit.

that is one dude who does not deserve any more neglect.

livin' is like winnin'. is not only fink in life. i turns u to best o teh best for perfect examble of both. when dae han is standin' der an korean-american was jus hold back, as was wont to do all while n was told to unleash, nstead he doesn't. let dae han live instead of winning the match. US loses n korea gets gold.

but that is not the end

so moved by this act of mercy, the beatin' dae han, a walking corpse, drags himself over to korean-american who spared him (gold metal around dae han's neck) n tells him, in prob most moving speech i hab eber heard dat "to save a life in defeat. is a great and honorable thing" around here i began crying, and dae han, lifting his hands up, takes off his medal an puts round korean merican's neck.

dat is not end movie, eric robert gets one too, his fight also moving but not part o picture i painting abot appreciation o teh hard things. ib dae han decided not to recognise dat. would it hab been enuff to simply know he had done right thing? korean-american will never know, dae han appreciated it and taught us all valuable lesson

so lets take moment o appreci8 teh hard choices peeps make. teh finks dat r done out o teh harsh core o some brave soul who decides, against self-interest n greed, to gib something or to simply neglect to take, from someone who may not even recognise the gesture at all. to thems peeps who go unthanked, unnoticed and unappreciated, who, despite societies construction and mode of opperation, still put demselves out there, for some unknowable reason.

to teh peoples who place something, anything , higher than teh simple and transient praise/respect of another to show up and do what inside them demands be done.

what am trying to say is.-- i appreciate you. i may not like you, i may not ever hear of your deed, i may never know your sacrifice specifically but ib it was done for something inexplicable.

i love you

you are a beautiful creature

Gladi, you are the best of the best.

Apparently Phillipe's dad is Il Duce.

YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS

Prove it.

(here's a hint, start your assumption phase of your proof with a contradiction, those fools always fall for that)

This is definitely the best Achewood strip in recent memory. I wish voting worked. This is definitely a five for me.

agreed

Greatest Achewood ever.

Holy Christwaffle. "A time, no a place." I feel like drowning myself in cheap wine and tears.

I have had a bottle of Blue Nun chilling for all eternity, not waiting for this time but existing purely for it.

I read that as 'Holy Christwaffe', which I believe was something Alfred Rosenberg and Wernher von Braun were cooking up in a facility in the Hartz mountains during the last days of the war.

I'm really looking forward to the slide whistles and erection-punching.

And you must never look back.

Mais oui, la grande illusion. Je pense que le p�re de Philippe, c'est Jean Gabin. Vive la r�publique!

In heaven, everything is fine.
In heaven, everything is fine.
You've got your good things, and I've got mine.

MAMAN, WE ALL GO TO HELL ;_;

Ce tout une construction mentale �tait-il ainsi de la m�moire de Philippe ? L'une ou l'autre mani�re, il ressemble � notre loutre pr�f�r�e grandit, qu'il l'aime ou pas. J'esp�re juste que l'�ge de l'innocence n'est pas termin� juste encore.
L'un ou l'autre que, ou allant par les quatre derniers panneaux, Philippe observait Tron la nuit avant.

this is not how i wanted my morning to go. so sad

Oh boy

oh boy you do not want to get me angry. you wouldn't like me when i'm angry

the Otter Wars of 1936 are one of the most gruesomely adorable periods of overlooked history.

Time it was and what a time it was, it was.
A time of innocence.
A time of confidences.

Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you

That's an eviction TRON STYLE. I guess that's what you get when you make your house out of glo sticks and Disney's bullshit.

Hooray...

A mamans gotta do what a mamans gotta do..

The Otter Wars of 1936 were one of the most gruesomely adorable periods of webcomic history.

Damn if Papa doesn't art the fuck out of the heart that home is.

Men being punched in the erection is apparently an effective palate cleanser between Achewood story arcs.

Onstad knows his audience. Some of the people here have a limited tolerance for serious shit. Today's alt text is just the next logical step after "Tomorrow Lyle pukes so hard a football rolls three feet."

Does he spiral it? That doesn't just happen by not caring.

Today's alt-text is pretty much the only thing that kept me from ending it all.

how can you be sad, trololo guy? you have a smile on your face for the whole song! even when it probably makes it way harder to sing, you're so happy!

In Soviet Russia, you must rejoice, even when the tears of a thousand agonies are boiling inside you.

Even if it is you who are boiling inside the tears of a thousand agonies?

Even when it is your firstborn child who you named for your dead father

You must be strong

god damn it so much
*sniff*

Hope this works...
[IMGS OFF]

Don't you think that a house feels secure and permanent, even eternal, like it's always going to be there the way it is, even though you know it won't?

Nothing is permanent.

Just in case:
https://www.unideal.net/assets/bengrasso1.jpg

OH... OH MY GOD.

THE... THE PERFECT ALT TEXT, EVER!

I'm going to be so pissed if I don't get my alt-text promise. Toot-toot McBonerfist is my favorite cartoon of all time.

This whole arc is wonderful. Philip will always be five but in the past few weeks he has grown up just a little bit.

Hallo, Philippe. I am zee apparent point of zee strip. In case you had not already caught zee point, I thought I would spell it out in a french accent for you.

anyone who thinks this is the saddest thing is an emotionally stunted man child who hasn't come to grips with the temporality of life and missed the whole point of the arc.

also, the final exposition wouldn't have seemed so heavy handed if there wasn't a few days wait in between strips. it will read better in a collection.

I was about to make a post complaining about Onstad beating us over the head with the moral of this story, but you're right. It seems way more heavy handed than it actually is when you've spent the past five days staring at Philippe, alone with the KLIK KLIK KLIK of the TV.

Philippe did not understand.

This strip is not for our benefit, but for his.

I for one, cannot wait for the promised erection-punching.

Well now, a leave like that don't keep you any kind of company at all.

Home is where the hatred is,
Home is filled with pain
And it might not be such a bad idea if i never, Never went home again...

Philippe's home is like Tron ?

I wonder what Onstad's own father is like? He clearly has an obsession with manly men, soured into a sort of low-brow worldliness.

I bet his dad is a banker.

holy shit

Papa is exactly what this story arc needed.

Zis is zee stuff zhat make man childen weep no?

As opposed to Sluggy Freelance, which is cathartic release for the much higher mind?

Someone get this five year old stuffed otter HUUUUUUUGS, stat!

At this rate he's gonna be six before any of us knows it.

I 'ave ze goozbumps.

oh god my emotions
they're leaking out through my eyes oh god

It was all just a metaphor. Just a metaphor the WHOLE time!

Tears.

Real tears.

Bravo, mr. Onstad.

Tomorrow's strip? I'll believe that when I see it. Go on, get out of here Onstad you scamp.

I teared up a bit.

You might want to try blinking.

Man, I -hate- allergy season

Derrida home ees saddest thing.

i hope we get the lung recipe in the next cookbook.

Nice, but I think Chris Ware wants his pens back.

so, based on the outfit... Is Philippe of Basque descent?

Onstad...

You. Are. Rad.

Onsrad.

Pfft, Radstad

Fahrrad?

I hate it when a house vanishes and leaves the pavement behind.

... Just like in the original Carrie.

anwyay, pretty good 'toon today. the timelines of Phillipe's age vs. lifespan vs. time away from home are incongruet. push that aside and this is pretty good written word.

i mean, going 'home' ends at some point, there's that intangible transformation. but eventually, you are a visitor.


A maman's gotta do what a maman's gotta do...

oh fuck of you assetbar

I know one thing....

....tomorrow I have been promised punches ON the erection in this strip.

Not 'beside it'. Not 'around it.' Not 'in the vicinity of it.'

'ON it.'

There had damn well better be punches on the erection in the next strip. Otherwise, I may have to take steps...

I always thought you punched in an erection, not on one. I'll have to update my woman accordingly. This may save our relationship.

Somethings are so sad that they are true.

*Some things are so sad they are true.

bring on the punched on the erection because my body cannot produce any more tears after this strip

bring on the punched on the erection because my body cannot produce anymore tears after this strip

Tron House!

the otter comes to a sad resolution

...Was that house hecho en Francia ?

The only question I have is "Which war?"

So, Phillipe's mental projection of his grandfather is the same as his mental projection of mickey mouse...

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122004

What would Freud say?

My parents are selling the house I grew up in. I needed to read this strip.

You should maybe tell them to have it made see-through and then slow-motion exploded and beamed up into the night sky instead.

"More to life than trying to survive." -- vanessa carlton.


a punch to the face,
a kick to the chest
you shrug it off, easy
because you are
the best of the best

wedge hand--,switch stance
your moves: so fluid
a twirling death-dance
your strikes are loud,
a song of dominance

one point, two point--
unanswered yet.
a heel comes down--
a ruptures your joint

you scream in pain,
a helpless reaction,
advice from coaches
inane .
you're a man of action

'tape it up, tape it Uh-Uuuup'
a command in anguish
dutifully obeyed.
unflinching you stand
unafraid

'i can hold him off--
for thirty seconds;
a nod from the coach
your opponent beckons

no quarter is shown,
as relentless punch--
and kick are thrown,
(no one can help you-
you're completely alone)

he charges you
like bloodlusted walrus,
a kick to his head
you are victorious


I try to get real wit yall but suntines is like u dun wanan hear it. idk i got ma CDs n movies i dun realy give a fuck.



So all of this time you could have done judo and kicked us all on the face?

Look, kids, this shit is why I read this strip still. Sometimes Onstad just fucking gets it and we all have to just go "huh, yeah" after the strip and there are no chuckles and there are no cry cry's there are just moments with sad smiles where you get up from the computer and stop internetting and make yourself (and hopefully your significant other) a cup of damn tea and watch the sunset and realize that maybe, just maybe, things have turned out pretty good so far.

I only hope I don't drink myself into oblivion from this before the sweet respite of men being punched on the erection.

A five-year-old can't go home again? Harsh. I think maybe Onstad is trying too hard to be "real" with this arc. There's not much emotional resonance in it for me, but maybe my heart is just a wizened lump of coal.

it's a cartoon maybe you're taking it too literally maybe you have no imagination

Maybe, maybe not.

maybe not

But...! Maybe?

I can't wait for tomorrow's strip!

I now know why Onstad took a few days to write this strip. This isn't the usual Beef and Ray banter with new idioms.

wait - is papa a ghost? or is this a dream?

Fifteen, and home from the war, when lads were men , damn it all!

What is Fifteen in Otter years? I'll check it out...

Okay, since Philipe's family immigrated, let's call him a Sea Otter. That's an average lifespan of 15 years.

So his Grandpere fought in the war at about 70 in human terms. Frikking impressive, but not the child soldier we imagined.

Actually, Philipe is a surly teenager, in Otter terms.

And apolloin otter know.

This is the best Achewood strip I've read in a long time. Freaking awesome.

This is the best Achewood strip I've read in a long time. Freaking awesome.

Dang, Onstad. Way to touch a man's heart...especially with those last panels.

Apparently Onstad has switched from Mexican magical realism to French deconstructivism.

Chubby for comment, but also my pleasant surprise at reading your comment in captain murphy's voice.

Looks like someone maybe misses California...

Man, Phillipe's dad is awesome .

Poor Philippe. Home is where the heart is, and that ain't it.

There ain't no moral to this story at all. 
Anything Onstad tells you very well could be a lie.

Jaminspoon how the hell do you achieve that font?

[code]meow[/code]

well that's not it

meow


meow


meow

beats me

Eh, Philippe! Thees ees no so bad, oui?!

The man had better deliver on this slide punching whistle dick promise.

Shoot, I think I messed it up.

Why does your avatar make me so goddamn happy? Bordering on sexually excited?

homo

If you want to point out every single homo thing I do/say, you've got yerself a full time gig. For like the rest of time.

How's it pay?

If you scroll over it, it breaks assetbar. On my computer, at least.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh :oooooo!!!!!

Yeah, it does. It does break Assetbar a little.

Fuck you, French spectre. Phillipe deserves to be happy for all time, the misery of real life does not apply to him.

I would be a little disappointed if the alt text turned out to be true.

I'll have la grande illusion, a funny theeng, and a chaos to go.

My parent is daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Is everyone excited for the slide whistles?

I'm excited for the men getting punched in the Erection.

I hope Teodor gets punched in the erection.

HUGE slam on Teodor's erection out of NOWHERE!

"huge" and "Teodor's erection" are two words that don't belong in the same sentence.

...unless "disappointment" squeezes in there.

Huge and Teodor's erection are two words the belong ONLY in the same sentence.

are you saying i don't know from boners

Are you asking if I am saying you don't know what from boners?

Are you asking fineoakstructure if he is asking if you are saying you don't know what from boners?

Why find out?

What, doesn't the intrigue titillate you?

Onstad, that was beautiful! Thank you

Eventually a man will realize he is a stone, that must roll as it is pushed, by every shift another man or woman makes in the soil in which he rests. There's nothing you can do about it. You were born to roll with the punches and the shoves.

Holding Onstad to this alt text. He hasn't led us astray before, except with chicken.

Assetbar, I have a feeling that you are lying to me when you say you are displaying all 325 comments.

I see probably that many comments. maybe (2) more.

Wow. First my ability to chubby goes away, and now this: I went to change my lame limit setting, and now I can't see anything below the "post a comment" box on this strip or any other.

What's your damage, assetbar?

While the fans waited timorously for the punching strip to appear, some with male organs began to feel a bit twitchy.

He is learning a lesson we tend learn much later in life.

EXCUUUUUUUSE ME

You are excused.

i'm not sure how i feel about what just happened there.

do you have multiple personalities?

No. Twins.

Bob is multi-present. Close enough?


ALL OF ASSETBAR IS GONE

IT IS TIME TO BURN AIU AT THE STAKE

(I don't actually know if this is because of him, it's just been that time for a while.)

who gives a shit. use twitter

Are you on Twitter, Gladi? What is your username?

str8whirlin. i say dat to get ma traffic up is all

Your twitter was a let-down.

@ha-ha: #ha-ha Ha-ha! (Trending)

I was thinking the same thing at first, but if you start from the beginning and just kind of take it all in and kind of zone out to it it's pretty nice.

Quote:
twilight, twilight. george bush. glenn beck. animal kingdom. cats. cat. furious hatred. animal planet. fun. life of crime. barack obama. CIA

Quote:
I fucked up **pea** u fucked i fucked up again *pea* blost

Quote:
-.*.-.*.-.*Strap---O---O---o---O---o---O---O---O---n*.-.*.-.*.-

Phillipe has been five since the 1950s.

I spend six days in Paris, all like "Heh! Parlee voo what?" and come home to this shit? I love it.

since when was phillipe's dad french?

since he was born

Technically since he was born in Otter-wa.

Wah-wah-wah....

Does this make Phillipe a baby boomer?

deep. looking forward to tomorrow. ( i think. punched on the erection doesnt sound to happy actually)

This is a great strip, but I can't rate it, I can't chubby comments, and half the time I can't even see most of the page. Does anyone know how we can get in touch with the AB admins and ask them to fix their broken-ass website?

guys. a house disappeared. and you are all just going on your merry way talking about shit that don't matter. that fucking house de-geomitrified.

SPOILERS:

Alt text is a lie this time.

Fantastic, fantastic strip. Please put this one for sale in the shop.

It's definitely in my top three favourites.