If you appreciate Achewood, please support Chris Onstad (shop; gallery art.)
Darlene and the Baja. Friday, April 3, 2009 • read strip Viewing 356 comments:

I find myself wondering if the car would lurch forward with the engine in the back.

it's the wheels dude

Comment left by ckinwifire ignored.

Torque is applied to rear wheels in a VW, but even if it were front-wheel drive, the impulse drives it forward, but brakes resist, causing forward lurch. Position of engine doesn't matter, seems to me. (Of course, when I first saw the strip, I thought something else was going on in the car.)

thou art a pervert, a pervert with a surprising amount of physical knowledge.

could be useful eh? eh?

*ba dum kisssh*

And speaking of pervs, did you hear the one about old Tom Edison screwing in the first light bulb?

How'd he manage to fit inside it?

they don't call him the wizard of menlo park for nothin'

More like the Wizard of Gettin'-Low Park!

Make the ladies go, "Ohm! Ohm! Ohm!"

One might say that they have negligible resistance to his sheer electromagnetism .

You might say that, and it might well be incredible.

Oddly enough, Edison's major competition was Telsa, who was celibate.

TESLA TESLA!

TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA TESLA PIGEON PIGEON

It looks like someone has thrown a pair of bloomers into the machine.

maha

Ladies, please!

Mmm...I wanna somma dat Telsa on my taco chips.

gotta have some Telsa on the testes.

it's the ONLY way, the Telsa way.

He had a fine filament, so they say.

shocking!

Of all the tragedies that've happened in Achewood, I think this is the saddest thing. I used to think that the strip with Lyle just wearing the Darlene hat was, figuring whatever story that was behind that must be heart-rending.

Years later we get an actual denouement and I'm genuinely upset by the idea of Lyle being dissuaded from a last kiss because of a sub-par morticianing.

T looks genuinely pained for Lyle in panel 7. Throughout the whole storyline he's sorta distanced himself from it in one way or another, bt I think this really got to him.

this really got to me. this is hard breaking stuff. imagine if the last time you see a loved one you get into a fight and then they're killed because you had given them the keys to your car...

no wonder lyle has so many defense mechanisms up all the time...

bravo onstad

It's a pretty touching strip, in that bizarre achewood way. Seven teeth in the steering wheel. That's an image.

7 is a lot of teeth. Most of the visible top row... either that or some of the top, and then some of the bottom that got caught on the snap back up.

Bleh

This hasn't been my favorite arc, but the car metaphor is right perfect and that last panel... well, it's like a deformed bastard stepchild of John Hiatt and Tom Waits.

the casket scene sealed it for me - this is amazing. from lyle's perspective, it's so bizarre you don't want to tell anyone 'cause they might laugh, so tragic you want to cry and tell the whole world, and so painful and disgusting you just don't want to think about it, but you can't stop. so you end up hating yourself for whatever you do. wow, this'll stay with me all day.

I... I have to ask; have you always imagined "heart-breaking" was actually "hard-breaking"? Mainly 'cause I have this thing about Light-Savers I'd like to confess too...

As it happens, I once got into a similar argument with a guy in Gainesville Florida (where I grew up).

I asserted that that Judas Priest song was "You've Got Another Thing Coming", whereas he was all, "nah, it's 'You've Got Another Think Coming'".

I, of course, was right, but nothing good came of it.


P.S.
Of course he was a bass player, so...

that was the original phrase, it got lost over time as people pronounced it "thing" instead of "think"

https://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/004971.html

And once again bassists are proven to be the pedantic intellectuals we are well-known as.

Not like those pretentious, egomaniacal guitarists.

... or those vacuous but very pretty singers.

OK not to be a dick about terms...

but I followed the link; it seems far from conclusive either way...dude really just seems to be reporting the controversy...not a slam dunk for "think"

I'm not sure if what you're saying means anything.

Light-Savers = Light-Sabers. I repeatedly exchanged the former for the latter until I was quietly told.

Sorry. Thought that would have been picked up on.

Indeed, it seems like everyone else knew what you were talking about and I must just have slight mental retardation.

Well, you have mental retardation but it is mild. Hmmm... wear this crash helmet at all times in order to keep yourself safe and others around you.

*snigger*

You ought not to talk to Missy lack thet, Duwayne. Mmm-hmmm.

Was you in the nut house for hackin' somebody up with a hatchet?

I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmmmmm.

CARL!! THAT KILLS PEOPLE!!

No, I weren't. I were in th' Nervous Hospital cause Jesus said I was 'posed to meet him there. He showed, too. mmm-hmmm.

No, I assumed he was referring to Life Savers

Though I didn't really understand how it could go on so long with the name written on the packaging.

The strip is humorous, but that's just humor intended to cut the sadness of the fate of its characters.

Way to belittle the death of French Fry, dude.

Lyle kept the teeth

Nope. He didn't even keep the car - just took a one-way bus ticket to a career at SaniTaco.

Where'd he leave the car?

It was bought at a police auction by Tom Petty in an attempt to butch up his image.

I want to see a Sean Kennedy reference in this comment SO HARD.

Damn dude, Wolcott has it DOWN.

Also, I could completely see him heading a band called Scrimp Jiddley and the Hum Buckets, except he doesn't sing or play an instrument, he just ambles out onto the stage and just starts supposin' things about the audience.

"yes well by the looks of y'all, yer here to enjoy good music played well by men.

this is not one of those concerts.


*walks off stage.*

twenty minutes of tear-down.

Quote:
. . . except he doesn't sing or play an instrument, he just ambles out onto the stage and just starts supposin' things about the audience.


Brian Eno as Wolcott.

When we finally get the Achewood trading Card Game, Wolcott is gonna be hella rare.

All holofoil so your opponents can't even see it at first so much are they dazzled by the reflected light

All causin mad stat changes so you have to break the pencil out and refigure all the numbers for five minutes before you continue play

Quote along the bottom just says "slurp"

When Wolcott is in play, all characters with a positive BAC must peel back the superficial layers, and inspect their true self.

If found lacking, they may be discarded.

All anxiety and confusion cards are sent to the graveyard.

All anxiety and confusion cards are sent to the graveyard.

Doublecast!

Goddamnit I hate my connection sometimes

I only saw a Wolcott card one time.

Wolcott can only enter play if "Land: Beeter-Bub" is in also in play.

here's my first attempt at bb code...

[IMGS OFF]

fuck. take two

[IMGS OFF]

[IMGS OFF]

too soon

let us please get the comment count up so i can chubby this. this comic has spawned some of the best comments in a while.

It isn't on the internet if someone hasn't posted a Magic the Gathering card about it, I guess.

s'rule 97.

I have this to say about posts that reference Magic the Gathering or Pokemon: " Pat! dont wear a cape! "

shit, I'm no longer the only person with a red-with-white-feature avatar

nice job, friend

wolcott is legendary and mythic rare tho

Definitely needs some flavor text...

But maybe that'd be too much. Wouldn't want it to look like some Ice Cauldron shit amirite guys?

ultra peanut has a japanese foil

Libertarian?

Man, that is some cold serious circumstances.

If M. Night Shamasdfjkl; was writing this, the final panel would have been Lie Bot smiling ambiguously as Philippe ran away crying.

What a twist!

Lyle straight laying on the sad. Now we know why he closes his eyes when he drinks.

Bears got Cutler.

Haha! Suckers!

Wow, major props to Onstad for doing a sad ending to this story.

He was gonna do a happy ending? We knew Darlene broke Lyle's heart one way or another.

Well I mean, it could have just been the end with her getting pissed and leaving, but it didn't end.

B-ZUKE-ZUKE-ZUKE
Nominated for best sound effect. Ever.

Musta missed this classic.

https://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182007

aNoThEr DiSaGrEeMeNt BoX

I'd call it a tie.

No dogg it's definitely ARBLE GRABLE GREEBLE GOBBLE.

No better way to eat dinosaur eggs and chug king piss.

The roughest of chuckles.

The coldest of cuddles.

The boldest of Smuckles?

Correct. I wanna cum.

Your avatar makes me nervous.

Has anyone ever noticed how much he wants to cum, but never seems to actually cum? I think this is really a cry for help. He's been begging for us to save him all this time, but we've just laughed at his misery.

We (society!) ignore his cries for that simplest of pleasures and effectively restrict him. So it goes.

His cry for sexual release is a metaphor for his desire for the release from life. He references the "little death" as he informs us of our own desires to be free of our lives and the anxiety and tension caused by them. Cuming, dying, it is the circle of life.

His simple statement encapsulates the entirety of the human experience. It is sublime.

Correct. He wants to cum.

The strongest of chubbles

the oldest of morals.

The moldiest of orals.

That would have to be getting head from a cadaver.

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
@ShowDowN> that is sick
@ShowDowN> we should ban him next time he comes in
@nekro> yeah, who the hell goes for walks

[IMGS OFF]

TOM STUART KILLED ME!!

Is that some film adaptation of Lovecraft?

I'm guessing Reanimator , but it could be one of the Return of the Living Dead movies.

That is indeed Reanimator . Later the head will perform oral sex on an unwilling woman. I often think of the implications of this action.

belgand spent a lot of time thinking about the things that head did.

It just struck me as a very weird form of rape. You're not getting off at all, just getting her off. I don't even begin to understand it. I mean, hell, I even understand some sort of sexual assault with a concrete dildo more than that.

That head just loved to love.

lol what if she got pragnent

thats how babby formed.

Oh no you don't. I'll spray you with this garden hose if I have to. Now you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!

THEY NEED TO DO WAY INSTAIN MOTHER

Never lift the lid.

Unless you're taking a piss at 3 AM, then I guess its the right thing to do.

Too bad about the funeral in the morning though, eh?

Eh, blame it on the dog.

But's she's dead?

I too wish to be obliterated while im-blitterated.

Wolcott is a sage.

Wow, that was depressing. I'm going to go lie down now...

all's well that ends well.

Wistful Lyle can make even the hardest man lean back in his chair and sigh.

I bet Wolcott and Ray's dad know each other.

Hell, boy, Ramses ain't muckin' 'round in no Florida swamp.

Sure he is. Cold wrestlin' alligators, all twistin them like pretzels. Jaws all propped open with a two-by-four while he reaches into it's belly to retrieve his pappy's watch.

Damn.

I bet Wolcott knows far too much about Ray's dad.

He did seem very familirar with Rod Huggins' work.

I suspect that he knows what it is like to see someone die.

I've seen Wolcott quite a few times.

Ever seen The Big Lebowski?

Are you crazy? Wolcott looks nothing like John Turturro.

But you fuck with him equally little.

I think he meant Sam Elliot.

The internet really sucks the irony right out of a comment doesn't it?

No.

I don't think that comment contained as much irony as you think it did.

I mean it certainly wouldn't make your RDA
You'd need fourteen comments to equal the irony in ONE bowl of Total.

I could totally go for a bowl.

Oh, every one else has already said it, but, great ending. Wolcott all walking over to Lyle and saying "Forget it Lyle. It's Gainsville" while the horn blares out in the night and the police cherrytops are reflected in the rain covered streets.

I haven't been impressed with this arc but,this strip gets a five.

I just got back to Tallahassee from Jacksonville. Swear to God, but I saw a turbocharged Beetle turning off I-10 onto I-75 south . . . the direction of Gainesville. Swear to God, man.

Somewhere Darlene still rides...

Ain't nothin' gonna save you from a love that's blind
When you slip to the dark side you cross that line
On the dark side, oh yeah
On the dark side, oh yeah


I was thinking more along the lines of...

[i]"So here son," he said to me, "get
yourself another cup of coffee, it's on the
house, you see I want you to hang on
to that dime, yea you hang on to that
dime as a kind of souvenir, a
souvenir of Darlene and the Phantom Baja Bug"


[/i] SHIT !

Actually, I think I've seen that car around before -- a shiny-silver early-70's vintage Beetle with one of those old-fashioned turbo air intakes mounted over the engine in the back. I see it on the Interstate and sometimes down Hwy 90 over to Madison. The driver is a dude. Sorry, man.

:'(

Dude, if your :( s are weeping... you should really see a doctor.

Onstad gave me a broked heart...ain't no doc can mend it.

one look at Wolcott and you know things like brushing of the teeth or changing of the underwear are not things he commonly practices.

Okay, I'll admit to being Australian, but what is a cady if it isn't Max Cady? And what is it when used in the definitive article?
[IMGS OFF]

I was wondering that as well, and came across the same image.

I actually can't think what he meant.

I can't, either. "Skosh" is a more Northern US expression, which I use on occasion, but "don't burn the cady" is entirely a cipher. I need a ruling.

"Cady" may be an alternate spelling of "cadie" which is a messanger. So "don't burn the cady" would be akin to "don't shoot the messenger." I take that whole phrase to mean: Don't take this the wrong way, but you ought to take off for a bit.

That dude is wise like Moses.

I like this explanation. Mmmmm hmmmm. I still think Wolcott sounds like Karl Childers. French fried potaters.

No, you don't, Oprah!

Are the Black Crusaders after you too?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO COOLIO?

she caught the cady, left me a mule to ride.

Ah thank yer right, mmmmm-hmmm. https://www.answers.com/main/ntquery?s=cadie&gwp=13

meaning can be derived by context... i think i'll try dropping this into the lexicon and see what reactions come up

I think Onstad made that one up.
I'm also wondering what horn she was folded over on, or if he means the stick.

The beep beep horn. What else? Haven't you ever seen Chinatown ?

Seen it? I saw it with my Mother! Slap!
With my Sister. Slap! With Roman Polanski! Slap! Slap!

Bravo!

Roman Polanski saw it with your sister and your mother.

They're both too old for Roman.

[IMGS OFF]
Indeed.

The life of a Pedo-man is always intense.

That's why there aint a pedophile I know that don't take speed.

Is "My Sharona" the greatest song composed about pedolove or is there another, greater song about an even younger girl? At only 17 I think the Sharona only barely even qualifies as jailbait. She'd be legal in most states. Still, the inner message of the song seems to firmly condone most forms of ephebephilia even if the actual pedophilic content remains in question.

I wonder if Patrick Swayze knows.

Well in terms of seriously pedo lyrical content there is the Boss's "I'm on Fire", Dragon's "Are you old enough?" and Chuck Berry's entire song list.

e.g., Sweet Little Sixteen

At least Chuck Berry (and to a great extent perhaps, Jerry Lee Lewis) were able to back it up. None of this casual "oh yeah, I love to get me some fine hairless pussy" just to seem cool.

Though, in those days, that was really one of the only ways. Maybe if waxing was more popular things would have been different.

'Little Girls' by Oingo Boingo, man. Danny Elfman's got some explainin' to do.

Edge of the World is probably about someone younger, but the only age reference made is "I'm 40 years older".

I'm figuring he meant she was snapped in half over the steering wheel with the weight of her body putting pressure on the horn?

her face was completely wrecked by the extremely bucking wheel and finally rested against the center of it.

"Imbedded" might be a better word than "rested" but yeah that is the main idea of it

"Bimbo Beatdown & B-zuked by Bad-ass Baja Beetle at the Beeter-Bub!"


Film at 11:00.

Your alliteration pleases me.

Your like leading letters leave me laughing.

I think it's from the Japanese "shokshi" meaning, a little.

You mean "sukoshi"?

It's possible, I guess...

Huh. I've never thought of that before. Doesn't sound very feasible to me, though.

Nope, that's right, at least according to those Merriam-Webster guys.
https://mw1.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/skosh

Also, fun fact. If you start typing "skosh etymology" into Firefox's search box, it WILL autocomplete it. Apparently that's a road that has been traveled before.

That's only because "skosh etymology" was a Utica-based speed-metal band in 1993.

Technically they were from Herkimer, but people usually just say Utica for convenience's sake.

Skosh comes from the Japanese word "sukoshi," meaning "just a little."

That's what my dad once told me, anyway.

Oops. Should have read the comments first.

Wolcott for higher office.

Wolcott for Vice Mayor of Hobo-Town Drinkin' Island .

oh my God i see it it's so beautiful.

i guess it will just be a thing from here on out for Onstad to back date his strips a few days.

I could use this strategy at work. I'll submit my work two days after a deadline, but post date it, to show that it was ready on time.

I'll say Onstad said it was ok.

predate too

That will make you an admitted predater in the workplace.

Chris Hansen all hidin' around the corner, just waiting to pounce.

DATELINE: TO CATCH A PREDATER

"Why don't you have a seat--on July 23 2037."

He's crossing middle America, they've always been a little behind the times.

Damn.

Comment left by testful ignored.

Comment left by 0n5tad ignored.

what if this really was onstad

I don't

[IMGS OFF]

what if this really was onstad

think so,

[IMGS OFF]

what if this really was onstad

Tim.

[IMGS OFF]

capn' you have made my week?

have i!

the answer is totally "yes!" now if only i had chubbies left

chubby three random comments of mine in other comics and we'll call it good.

like my Is So Obv photomanip!

done and done. see if you can guess which ones.

Wow. This is amazing.

what is amazing is how i got more chubs than yours did.

i'm not trying to rub yo nose in it. it really makes no difference. just strange.

Is it really so strange?
I say no, you say yes but you will change your mind

well shucks

?

cool story, bro

Comment left by instead ignored.

Comment left by lololol ignored.

Don't forget kids! First "lame" then "ignore"!

there should be more wolcotts in this world.

Where are the Wolcotts of yesteryear?

Still sitting on their stools as they always have been and always shall be. One day they are no longer there and on that day a new one comes and instinctively takes the same stool and the cycle continues.

Wow. Ummm... Onstad, that was a very abrupt way of ending the whole deal. I'm hoping she comes back from the dead and disturbs Lyle in a way befitting the shakes and shivers (as per that previous reference). Feels a bit truncated... anybody?

I imagine the whole moving thing threw him off, plus thanks to the Vlad Show we know he reads the comments, and a lot of people wanted the Darlene and Lyle story over with already. That also explains Cornelius' most recent blog post.

I'm still confused about Gator and when Lyle owned a carpentry shop. It would seem that from the story he has related he was managing the McDonald's the entire time he was with Darlene.

Perhaps Lyle is an unreliable narrator and this is not the true story, just the one he thinks would get Teodor off his case so he didn't need to relate the real story of Darlene.

If'n you want I can pomo that fucker up a hell of a lot more too.

You go right ahead and be confused, dear, and the Good Lord will provide for somebody else because you're an atheist.

Am uncertain how J-F Lyotard would feel about 'postmodern' as a verb. Personally, am 'okay'.

After seein' what these dern kids are up to on the e-bay, I thought it was time I postmodern collection of antique beer labels.

you have blown my mind.

it is spelled "Lyotard" but it is pronounced "Sebastian".

'Perhaps Lyle is an unreliable narrator and this is not the true story'

That, my friend is what life is all about...

Truncated, "unsatisfying" endings are kind of a thing for Achewood though, no? And I don't mean just recently. I'm a big fan of that kind of ending, if it's done well. I think this one was done alright; not that the strip above is that great, but damn is that one good alt text.

Basically, I felt the same way as you at first (he brought back this story line after how many weeks just to kill of Darlene in one quick strip?) until I read the alt text and thought "it was worth it just for the alt text."

Man, if this is the standard, then the true ending to the Pat-getting-dragged-off-by-demonic-spider-banjo arc is gonna be resolved in just a single speech bubble.

Maybe just a panel that says "Pat died on the way back to his home planet."

Indeed. This goes all the way back to the beginning, "Philippe is standing on"

Standing on what , I ask? Where's the closure?

The drum machine manual. He was standing on the drum machine manual.

...Really?

Really.

[IMGS OFF]

Heh. I didn't really get that Phillipe was a genius performance artist until I saw this panel on it's own. He could just say huuuuuugs for 40mins straight.

I would go to that concert.

Then he could sample a pinecone and flip you off.

Dear Mr. Tekende, we here at Picturesforsadchildren must ask you to cease and persist. Although personally we wish you to continue drawing attention to that very most radest of comics.

"Cease" and "persist" are two mutually exclusive commands.

... although I'll admit to being entirely oblivious of that stroke of genius, indeed my comment is asking you to perform both commands simultaneously.

Indeed it is.

Nope. Darwin. Time to move on & be thankful they never had kids. A lesser tragedy prevents a greater. blah,blah,blah......

Sometimes a story just ends with someone dying.

You just spoiled the ending to half of Shakespeare's plays.

I'll spoil the other half:

They end in weddings

The small cute robot character says a funny thing and all the other characters laugh.

Sh-Shakespeare wrote robots?

[IMGS OFF]
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Dammit, V.I.C.I., get back in your closet!

worth the wait

Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?

Panel 10 of the strip from 4/7/09.

Blogs:

Philippe: Christmas list! (backdated)

Pat: Rod isn't sleeping well.

Thanks for the links! I LOVED that green flower foam stuff. My grandma had some and it was such a satisfying feeling to press your fingers into it. I was never so advanced as to make toothpaste sheep though. It was more poke it surreptitiously and then deny, deny, deny.

I hated it. The texture of it set my teeth on edge, yet some how I couldn't resist the urge to pull and prod at it, gradually destroying the integrity of the block. The very mention of it reminded me that there is a piece in the shed. This can only end with my wandering out there at night and scraping the foam to pieces (a large garden candle casts a red light round the interior of the shed. I am wearing a dressing gown, and wincing as my fingers touch the rough foam).

Oh man, I still have blocks and blocks of that stuff. Um, for flowers and things. Nothing perverse. I'll be back in 13 minutes.

hedo needs only 4 minutes for each orgasm... there is a spare minute, or a frustrated end to 1.

Seems like Onstad got sick of this thread.

Wait a minute, panel 6.
"Under the hood"? His Baja doesn't have a hood!

It was snipped.

After the "I saw Wolcott one more time" ending of the previous installment, I just knew that the arc would end with Lyle learning that the man giving him relationship advice was secretly courting Lyle's girlfriend. I knew that, because I am from Irony.

But then this strip came along, with a more ironic twist than I had ever imagined: The love of his life was killed by his first love: horsepower. And I thought I had a dark sense of humor, because I am from Bleakness, but the penultimate panel made me go, " damn ."

Void America's feelings on this asset are: humbling.

I think this strip is pretty weak, but Philippe's signature on his blog made me laugh out loud.

I'm not sure I understand the mechanics of panel 8. Sure, if you pop the clutch on a car with a powerful engine, and the emergency brake is engaged, the car will buck, but it will then stall, and especially quickly if the driver doesn't know how to drive a stick. The trickiest part of driving a manual transmission car is getting the car from a stationary position to rolling without stalling when putting it into first. So I don't see how it could get to the stage of "closed car mechanical bull". There'd be a hell of an initial whomp, and then that would be it. And that whomp could kill Darlene, I guess, but that's not what's indicated by the strip.

However, as a cool way to off a character, I suppose it's OK.

I promised I wouldn't gearhead in the barrio, but I feel obliged. A VW has independent rear suspension. With that much power going through a suspension setup designed for a 60hp air-cooled sewing machine and locked front wheels, you could have really severe wheelhop.

That would explain the first buck of the "closed car mechanical bull." And if the power were sufficient to lift the rear wheels far off the ground, the car probably would have bounced quite a few times after that.

That's what an observer outside the car would see, anyway. Inside the car, it would be:
vroom!
whee!
thud!
whee!
thud!
and so on, fading slowly into silence.

OK, lets see now. Hmmm. The e-brake locks the rear wheels. So by applying a lot of torque to them you would load up the drive train. Nah! Nothing would happen. Sorry Chris, but it's just a fun little story. The engine would die and that would be that.

Now if you had a Saab where the e-brake locks the front wheels... Nah, those are front wheel drive so, again, nothing would happen.

(technical crap follows - Frittalian coffee drinkers be thusly warned)

You have a valid point, unless he was trying to say it had a brake line-lock, which would lock the front wheels. I've seen that done with a special key as a vehicle immobilizer before.

Also I ain't sayin wheelhop is a thing that could kill you, but I had a friend with an '03 Mustang Cobra that would wheelhop so hard when he peeled out that it literally knocked one of my fillings loose one time when I was riding with him. Not fun.

You are dumb and you look dumb.

you even smell dumb.

*dung-b?

eetle.

I tried to read this comic about 3 times but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's a combination of not liking Lyle very much and the crappy southern story.

Lame away :)

Lyle is the second-worst character after Teodor.

Incorrect. Cornelius is by far the worst.

This is a matter of opinion. I actually like Teodor, Cornelius is okay, and Lyle is only a tiny step above Todd.
Douchebag.

Hmm maybe that's petty but I kind of just want an internet rivalry to put a tiny edge on my boring as fuck day job.

Well, I...disagree with you. I'm not angry with you, but...I could be if you want me to? I could try to be your Internet Rival, vheissu.

Haha, well thanks for the offer. If you have a vehemently variant viewpoint on anything, feel free to victimize my view and virtue viciously.

Funny things happen around Todd. I don't want to hang out with these characters, I want them to be interesting and funny. When they are not, I am apathetic.

I don't think there are any Achewood characters which I straight up dislike, but I would rather see a Beef or Phillipe strip than a Todd or Lyle strip. To me the fab four are Beef, Phillipe, Ray, and Vlad.

Lyle is a good supporting character. Other characters' reactions to him are funny, not Lyle himself.

A storyline focusing on Lyle as the main character is like a Meg episode on Family Guy.

To be honest, he is entirely worthless

Yes he is. But he can flip the bird like a Hall of Famer. He's like the Nolan Ryan of bird-flipping.
No, make it Bob Gibson.
Ryan basically had 3 pitches.

I don't understand you. Frankly I'm offended that you called. Fuck you.

You too are entirely worthless.

Don't say that Mister Scorpion :'(

Well then you could try to be a little bit more civil. I wasn't harshing on you, nor was my post offensive, so no need to get cranky at me, Mister Irateturk.

But he's irate

That's just what he does


He can't be irate at Greeks ? That's not good enough anymore?

I beg to differ on the Lyle worthlessness thesis.

I beg to differ... substantialy.

Also, I beg for BB code to work.

One blossom does not a spring make

Haha okay, thank you for reminding me of the asshole strip. The football one doesn't do it for me though.

MORE LIKE FAMILY GAY AM I RITE

The Irite Turk

Lamed for the Todd dis. F-f-fuck you! What noble media-centric event are you going to request when you find out you have 3 days to live? Hmmm?

Nope, Todd.

Teodor is the straight man. Every comic, sitcom, etc needs one.

Clearly you need to reread the Hiram the Blacksmith arc.

Don't be so heteronormative.

I wonder if you know the meaning of "straight man" I was talking about, or if you're joking.

He's joking.

Ah, thanks for clearing that up.

Thank you.

No.

fuck me

Uhhh...I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

1 2 3 not-it

Shotnot!

Not it!

I will, if I have to, I guess.

No, me!

. ..
im desperate :(

too late.

Correct. You wanna cum.

Incorrect. You wanna spend 10 years developing the Tantric Method of drawing your semen back up your urethra.

Look at the genius awakening his kundalini, opening his chakras, and experiencing the fusion of his Shiva energy!

Fusion, HA!

[IMGS OFF]

MECHA SHIVA! MECHA SHIVA! MECHA SHIVA! MECHA SHIVA!

The Trial of the Monarch is beink SO good episode.

[IMGS OFF]
Mecha Chivas.

[IMGS OFF]
Mecca Shaver.

Irony of ironies! We have made the blade [b]hairy[b]!

(Praise Allah)

In his infinite wisdom, Allah has struck me down.

Damn my boldness!

chub 4 pun.

Urethral Stimulation.

Metotomy. The Saddest Thing.

Stimulation? In MY urethra?

It's More Likely Than You Think

The simulation of your uretha is amazing. You go whooshing through it at... aw hell, I can't even begin to guess how fast it must have been. Probably the best waterslide I've ever been on. I mean, the corkscrewing at the end when you burst back out into the light? Just amazing. Do NOT miss it!

In this glittering diamond in the veritable rough, Glad expresses long-repressed physical wanting and urges.

He makes it known that he is desirous for play but what is not known is if he is wont for it immediately or if it is a secondary suggestion. What is notably missing from the text is how he wishes to partake in this action. It is also noteworthy that as Glad lets the audience so into his sexual psyche, how such a seemingly crucial subject would be omitted raises many eyebrows.

Further into the text, we find that Glad italicizes 'me', referring to himself. Studies on the subject have uncovered that while Gladi8orrex can be personified as whatever picture is by his name, he is not specifically that person. A shot of Courtney Love does not a performer make. As in, he is not actually that picture and is probably not whoever is pictured. A great paradox between the work and himself can be seen. If he refers to himself so much (a true sign of egotism. After all, half of the text is about him.) Why, you may ask, would Glad not make a picture of himself visible so that his self love would be purveyed upon all who visit this page? The answer is simple at the time of writing: You simply cannot be in two places at once. Quantum mechanics and teleportation is in its baby stages at best, which is a whole other essay.

The true labor of Gladi8orrex's work can be found in the effort it took to publish it. Infinite amounts of forces beyond zero were in force as he typed the thirteen characters which make appreciable the work involved with clicking not only once but twice . Complete enjoyment of Glad's works takes a great deal of determination, discernment and knowledge of not only the time and age of the society in which he lived but of the medium in which he articulates himself so wonderfully, expressing so artfully what others en masse never dare to.

wow the middle panel of the bug going carazy really makes this strip. not that I'm complaining but you know what would have made it even more would be if Onstad had commissioned a blinking neon sign of the bug slamming to and fro, photographed it, and then inserted the photographs as an animated gif. Every time there are real world photographs cropped into a comic strip, that always makes my day. Berkeley Breathed used to do that a lot and I always loved it!

I always loved the overhead shot of the girls in a kaleidoscope.

That was Busby Berkeley, moron.

Piss on you, I work for Mele Brooks! *punch*

The only thing that could be sadder than this is if Philippe ends up next on the Vlad show...

Spoiler?

Why would you give your girl the keys to the car and not: 1)teach her to drive stick; and 2) tell her about the e-brake key-release?

Sounds like negligent homicide to me.

Living with trailertrash folks like Lyle and Darlene is pretty much a trainwreck however you want to spin it. The only uncertainty is the speed of Train A at Train B.

This becomes far more complicated when both trains are heavy users of amphetamines as well. As is typically the case.

In an odd bit of continuity, this is the way one of the characters die in Death Limo .

"knowing what to do so well you never have to do anything"

Onstad,i think we need to start a religion around you, attleast a new school of philosphical thought.

Uhh, ohh........ continuity error........

Unless Lyle just can't bring himself to drive stick after the accident.

ARRH! Me hates ye!

I think the early days are sort of non-canon. Nobody's acting in character and they can't leave the house and largely live in a human world. It's changed a lot now.

Yes but are the humans still around?

I also think about the Great Outdoor Fight, if it really was 3000 cats having brawls in a 300 meter enclosure.