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Considerations Far and Wide Sunday, May 9, 2010 • read strip Viewing 303 comments:

The return of: Hung Like A Cranberry

Hung Like A Cranberry, Part II: The Raisining

It's cold.

Is like cap from tube of chapstick.

Its like nothing I've ever seen before.

He gets a lot of flak for his little eraser, but considering he's a child's toy bear, he's got more dong than most of his kind. Why he's the john holmes of stuffed bears that i've seen.

Also, is it strange that we've seen teodors and pats dong, but not drunken abandon himself Lyle's?

it's always the quiet ones.

next week's achewood will be drawings of teodor giving nice pete a "taco supreme" while steve deneuve gives philippe a "svenhard's," both in the back of nice pete's van. these drawings will cost $30/month to view, and will be advertised by pop-up ads in the x-rated section of deviantart.

i think there's also a big market for cross-advertising between achewood and quantum jumping

Manflesh, you made a schoolboy error there. It's not possible to give Philippe a Svenhard's because, according to the definition, a Svenhard's is the act of rimming an adult whilst wholeheartedly believing you are rimming a child. I should know, I've been party to many a Svenhard's myself. Without Svenhard's I'd be getting raped in prison right now.

hence "quotes," i think. it's a "svenhard's," because in this case the "adult" you believe to be a child is actually a child. a double-false faux-svenhards, if you will.

Whoa.

Once authorities finish determining the nature of the svenhard's in this scenario, you may be subject to an arrest warrant or an inquiring phone call.

THERE IS NO SPOONING

I believe that when discussing Svenhard's a schoolboy error is known as a 'score'

I am proud to be the first to chubby this.

<-- first to lame this

First in the hearts of his cry-cry faces.

He's our silent guardian. Our watchful protector. Our dark...doctor.

We hate him, because he can take it.

chubby 4 dexter ref

As much as I love Dexter, I think that's actually a Dark Knight reference.

You just got trolled! DACAPN STYLEEE!

you and dacapn made it happen.

I really wish I wasn't a part of this tomfoolery now. I just wanted to finish the quote I started on the last Dr. Manflesh fic.

Dusty, were you just WAITING for a chance to use that one??

-You'd shrivel too
If it happened to you-

man quit stealing my personal motto

-And now it's Judy's turn to jerk, Judy's turn to jerk
His tiny man-atomy-

I think you meant- "Hung like a Cranberry, Part II: the C raisining".

I don't dig on Craisins , man.

this comment really would've been much funnier slightly higher up. oh well.

When will Teodor be allowed to have a good night's sleep? If he doesn't get some shut eye soon he'll end up like Maggie.

The use of quotations marks is great, along with the capitalized "NO" in the second-to-last panel. The capitalized "High School" in the art text was a good touch as well. Onstad, my babies. Have them. I am drunk.

And the colour shift to accompany the italicization in the second speech bubble. And Pete's dilated eyes as he says no. And the fact that it's apparently not spelled "dialated." That's what really blows my mind.

Could that be Teodor waking up, the color change?

Onstad has waited until Nice Pete needed to appear. I sense top-tier Pete arc.

He has waited until he needs to refer to him. This strip overwhelmed my thoughts and left them roiling in a warm-drunk fuzz.

The "Taco Supreme" isn't what you think it is, and it is exactly the thing that you want it not to be.

I'm envisioning omega-shaped tetris blocks made out of processed cheese food and hyper-wilty iceberg lettuce grown in Florida.

also many small long peices of bacon that dont fit

If Teodore's expression in panel 10 is any indication, "Taco Supreme" is EXACTLY what he thinks it is...and it is, as you say, 'what he wants it not to be.'

The Tacodor and the "Taco Supreme" are about to have a little no-pants basketball game.

EVERY time I get something from Taco Bell, it is the thing I want it not to be.

try the cheesy gordita crunch

I get it with sour cream instead of Baja Sauce though because "convulsing" is the thing that my stomach doesn't want to be

Ever since I was stoned and honestly believed that I had bitten into a baby's tooth while biting into something hard in my seven-layer burrito....

....that was the last time I ate Taco Bell.

It was two thousand and four.

I am at home for Mother's day and you may have just caused me to laugh so hard that I woke up my poor mother.

You should be ashamed of yourself, although I don't know how to feel about what you have done.

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Appreciation of the comment section is one of the last layers of Achewood Immersion. After you get a taste for the comments, you start to delve into the alt text. Then you get experimental with assetbar. Then you read a manflesh fanfic, or the intestinal inversion pool story, and swear it off. Then your brain stops hemorrhaging and you find it funny. Then you settle in and read through the archives again.

Augh why would you remind me about the pool story.

Because I cannot forget it.

When I was young I used to have dreams about bits of people's anatomies falling out of them. I had vividly horrifying dreams.

did you dream about some parts falling out more than others?

I just want you to know, when you dream about my liver falling out... it's not a sex thing.

maye youy're schizoaffective?

Is that a reference to Chuck Palahniuk's short story from Haunted? Most amazing is that it happened. It happened (without the sexual aspects) to a kid a few years ago and that's a fact that you can look up.

My anus is bleeding!

Nice Pete really should not be allowed around television. His internal landscape is already the scariest place in town.

Yet Teodor is so starved of adult friendship that he will willingly get in a van with him at 2 in the morning.

So obviously not willingly.

It's not that he's starved of adult friendship, it's that he's starved of external organs, and would like it to remain so.

He has no epidermis?

see, epidermis means your hair.

so technically it's possible. that's what makes it so funny.

excuse me...

HAA HAA!

See, epidermis does not actually mean your hair. Your hair is an epidermal appendage. Ha ha ha turn to page twenty for more quizzes

see, thegoblins doesn't get Simpsons references.

so she now seems a lot less attractive to me. that's what makes it so sad.

I will admit, I have seen only a small percentage of the Simpsons.

Which percentage? Bart's waistband? Homer's hair?

The most important percentage, hurr hurr.

It's not that he's starved of external organs; it's that he's grown fond of his internal organs, and would like them to remain where they are.

I forgot that the skin is an organ. Everyone does that. Scott McCloud said so.

This is why I love Achewood. Nice Pete always makes me feel uncomfortable. I can even imagine what he would smell like in real life. Every time I see him, I kind of wish he wasn't in the strip, but in a good way.

That's how well he's written.

What a terrifying thing to wake up to. I'm surprised Teodor didn't shit the bed. I would've

the lack of full stop is killing me! it's like you were suddenly cut off mid sentence! i mean, you didn't even mention candlejack, so why

Candlejack.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaahhhh what now motherfuckers! I just fucking went th

So, I was going to buy a Dell laptop for my mom, but I stopped after seeing how they fleece you for it. Seriously, can Dell jack up their prices ANY further? I remember wh


... whoa. just got an brain aneurysm over Dell's prices.

chubbied for what the fuck is wrong with you?

Apparently Candlejack does you the courtesy of hitting enter befor

C'mon, Teodor. If you turn Pete down in a respectable manner, like a man saying 'no' to another man, you probably don't even get killed.

'You refused my invitation honestly, and I respect the words, but I do not respect the speaker. I see fear in your eyes and there must be much fire and weeping 'till I have removed the shame you have made me feel. Then we will eat a good breakfast of eggs and bread, as the sun comes up over the treetops.'

I meant to give you a chubby! I'm so sorry I MAY HAVE RUINED YOUR LIFE.

Nooooo! My internet reputation!

You know what's going to happen now.

You and mcq are going to have a basketball game where he puts your body in his van and wins

Though it pleases Nice Pete to give that impression, I seriously doubt there is actually an end condition wherein you are not killed. You know him; do as you please but sooner or later you will be killed.

"You knew I was a snake, bitch."

This post made me remember, and put on, 'The Snake', sung by Al Wilson. It's a damn good song.

Take me in, tender woman, take me in for Heaven's sake...

sssssssaid the snake

now I'm just imagining all the possible ways a woman can "take in" a snake, and trying to decide whether this horrifies me or turns me on.

Welcome to the internet.

From 50 Diplomatic Ways to Break Up

-= by Rowboat, esq=-

Oh, maybe in my teenage years. These days I just let bitches walk all over me. Less a snake, more a worm.

WHICH IS FINE.

HONEY, IN CASE YOU'RE READING THIS.

You're not a worm, you just know when to pick your fights. And when that day comes...

...they won't be able to get me into the electric chair fast enough.

Here's hoping neither the police nor my girlfriend reads assetbar today.

Baby, I don't think you're a bitch and I would never hurt you. Officers, I respect you as long as you don't pull some fucking pig attitude with me for no fucking reason.

that would make a good bumper sticker. (the second part)

... your honour.

Except Ray, because he saved his life, and Nice Pete has got Southern ways and would never take him after that high gesture.

I must admit, I didn't think much of Andy Larson first time I laid eyes on him. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over.....

Oooh yeah, we about to do a Lake Wobegon style character description...

Well, that's fine too, my furry friend. Now, imagine the preceding dialog read in the voice of Morgan Freeman, rather than Garrison Keillor.
Go on....

Steven King and Garrison Keillor really have very similar literary voices when you ignore the content, which in either writers case is just as well ignored.

Christine was a middle-aged, above-average sedan from Dearborn, Michigan. Her better years were behind her, yet she showed a single-minded determination to persevere on.
Some might have called her anti-social, even hostile. I preferred to see her as misunderstood....

Teodor's clock only goes up to 9:59.

And it won't show 8 o'clock either.

What a weird clock.

There are six hours of the day that stuffed bears do not experience.

Nor will the tens digit display "2".

It's because 5:33 is ghosted onto the back, as opposed to 8:88, because Onstad used the same panel from April 2nd as the base. If you'll look carefully, he also did it on the 26th, but there it was much harder to notice.

i refuse to look carefully.

The tens digit will never display a damn thing, 'cause there isn't one.

you better tell that to the five on that clock.

Tens of hours , I mean.

Unless we ever vote in The Hives.

The phrase "run for the border" sounds like some sorta code

Or euphemism.

Or one of those so-called "double" meanings.

You know what they call a double meaning in Paris?

They call it a double idea. They wouldn't know what the fuck a "double meaning" is.

They call it a "royale without pants."

is come with a one euro fry. you will have?

Freedom pommes?

Téodor.
Téodor.
Will you be Saved By The Bell?

Saved by the Taco Bell, amiright?

YOU SPELLED RIGHT CORRECTLY IN AMIRITE

YOU FAIL AT INTERNETS

i barely even think of "amirite" as equivalent to "am i right?" anymore

Every time I see "amirite" I try to figure out what the hell "amiriru" means.

that is a word i've never heard

Nice Pete always has such a reasonable expression on his face

Is...is nice Pete taking him out for ice creams?!

This strip made me nostalgic for a High School.

And I'm still in high school.

You poor dear. Have a chubby.

Man, I loved high school. Best years of my life.

Thus far, I hope.

i neva been to school

Me neither, really. Due to considerations. Which is why I am hoping for subjective epicness in this arc.

A 500 Page Complete Compendium of Nice "Andy Larson" pete quotes. Edited by Lawbot.

Page One:

no

and 499 empty pages



I'm reading this strip on my phone. Naturally, I assume it's Phillipe calling Téodor. I pan right, and see Nice Pete at the darkened window...

It scared me.

This arc ends with Teodor killing Nice Pete. This is my prediction.

The dude comes from considerations.

The dark side of circumstances

You beat me to it, fattypneumonia!

Also, I like your name because if you shorten it to either the suffix or prefix it is still an insult thus forcing one to type it out fully, fatty.

...pneumonia is an insult?

YOU FUCKING PNEUMONIA.

plus I'm not sure the full thing is necessarily not an insult...

COLD FATTY

...I'm not not sure the full thing isn't necessarily not NOT an insult.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

If you knooow what I mean...
There's no neeeed to explain...
It goes without saaaying...
If you knooow what I mean...

What moooore can I saaay...
If you knoooow what I mean...
I think it goooes without saaaying...
If you knoooow what I meeean....

-"I Think You Know What I'm Thinking (If You Know What I Mean)" by Heywood Banks

I keep hearing If It's True when I read this, so I will go Youtube it and see what it actually sounds like okay

But Teodor is one of the three who saved that nutballs life when ray wanted to make him in to a hat etc.Does not that mean he is immune?

I am surprised nobody ventured to say this yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Andy Larson's Late Night Run for the Border© will cause Teodor to miss Phillipe's return. The little shaver shall go wanting, but perhaps... He will be asleep?

Nah, Teodor was marinating those skewers, remember? He'd never go to bed before they were finished grilling. Presumably this is a different night where Teodor is being woken up at 1 in the morning.

well he received a call from De Neuve at 6 a.m. and was told 17-23 hours, so that would make for a window from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m.. I doubt supper would be cooked at that time; it probably is an overnight marinating.

The time frame is also right for him to miss Philippe. This is all assuming we would get to see a nice scene of Philippe returning - ya know some nice text-free panels like when he arrived at his mom's.

Ok, guess it's time for a new story arc?

Teodor is not very good at this game

Pants?
Where we're going, we don't need pants

Especially not if they're stinkin'.

This kind of reminds me of how my friends still in college would act after I got a job and started having to be an adult. Thankfully when they dragged me out on weeknights they let me put on pants. Also I didn't feel that there was a 50/50 chance they would murder me.

Yes, with my HS friends, the chance of being murdered was under 20%, depending on the moon.

ethanol concentration makes this percentage vary widely

Honestly I think my high school experience would have been better if I'd thought there was any chance of being murdered. I didn't ever shiver in fright when my friend asked me if I wanted to try a "Crazy Ernie".

Man I'm gettin' jealous. All we fucking do in midwest America rich white suburbs are smoke pot and listen to shitty Lady GaGa or Black Eyed Peas in our basements and yell at our moms as we dick around on Call of Duty. Not me personally, I don't have those kind of friends. But if I ever want more friends I would have to start liking that.

Your isolation is honourable. Unfortunately now I'm picturing you underneath a blanket, shivering from The Anxieties; petrified of going anywhere, lest you make Friends. Friends that sing Lady Lumps.

Fergalicious.

t-t-t-Tasty! Tays-tay!

S, P, E, L, I, N, Apostrophe!

No, no. You've got it all wrong. I don't shiver under blankets with the Anxieties, I sit in front of my laptop playing and masturbate be content with my limited friends.

I reckon Lady Lumps on repeat for a couple of hours should fix that.

Such a poorly conceived song. "Lump" is just not a sexy word.

Hearing you say that gives me a mass in my throat.

A sexy mass?

Terror

T's feeling that cold car seat and missing his pants.

Well, maybe if Teodor would wear some goddamn underwear to bed he would be a little warmer.

You don't really deserve to sleep naked all the time unless you're having a lot of sex. And that's clearly not the case here.

I'm not with you on this one. I sleep without underwear whether or not someone makes me cum. You're just dead wrong about this shit.

Fucking take it back.

The man has a point. That point is that People ought to be encouraged to sleep nude for the benefit of other people who want to look at/imagine them being nude. Don't fuck with this.

Actually, just wearing some panties or underwear is usually OK because being totally nude is somehow less sexy a lot of the time, y'know?

That's true, but this isn't about that. This is about a fan blowing directly onto my balls and asshole on an August night. That means to world to me.

In my world I usually have to turn up the heat in the summer and the electric blanket is on the bed year-round. I understand where you're coming from, but not being cold isn't something I can really relate to anymore.

Correct. You wanna cum?

Incorrect. I done did.

Fun nights full of dares and [the sound of a man's screaming being smothered by his own blood when it rises up through his throat as you withdraw your knife from his sternum](1).

(1) "laughing"

I wonder what the considerations were.

The considerations were his dad wanting to kill him for growing pubics.

And the gradually shrinking head, and the talk of layoffs at the mine.

But not the chemicals in the ground?

Nor mom-mom's eye

Anyone else suspects Andy Larson is in the back of the van, trying to figure out a way to get his guts back in his abdomen even though he doesn't have any fingers left?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Give me a C, a bouncy C!

Hello, non sequitur Ed Grimley reference.

Yes.

That's what she said.

*Molly Bloom

Epic.

YES!

Man, what in the hell happened...

i'd describe it, but xi 's avatar captures it best.

xi's avatar is a microcosm of human existence.

XI'S KNIVES!

why is this sexy

I think it's the phrasing

Teodor hasn't been getting much sleep recently.

I know, right? Myself, I'm not sure if I'm ready for this new caper to begin.

I need a nap.

Nice Pete comes from Considerations . Similar to Circumstances, but fundamentally different.

Under Circumstances , you are sent to school because you are not wanted at home.

In Considerations , you are kept from school because there is always killing that needs to be done around the farm.

Chubbied for Tom Waits reference.

Circumstances and Considerations ... the lost Jane Austen novel, wherein our heroine Susannah Alton is introduced to a taco supreme in a place she never knew existed. Needless to say, she overcomes her difficulties, and finds everlasting love and good fortune with Roger the Cabin Boy, who discovers hitherto untold riches in the Lower Field with his Pumping Up and Down Grinding machine.

Quickly followed by the lost Jane Austen parody novel: Circumstances and Considerations and Cannibals.

Hi Skool Hijinx and Nicens Peter Cropes to me usually imply sexy murder.

This will not end well, with or without a taco supreme.

Sitting pantsless in the van of a known murderer pretending you're in high school...good times

I think I saw you on Chatroulette.

Was he stroking his erect, below-average penis? I bet he was.

if this were just the top four panels it would be one of the best short strips ever.

I thought so too!

Joke's on you, Teodor's strip was so short it ended before the first panel .

HAH YES I GET IT THE BEAR HAS A PENIS SMALL EVEN FOR HIS BOY SIZE.

In Nice Pete's world, a dare is anything he tells you to do. That is because you DO it. And you do not ask questions.

By far my favorite Achewood in months--the perfect mingling of Onstadisms. Certainly weird seeing this arc directly after the feel-good Phillipe arc, though. "Phillipe's place isn't with his mother. It's HERE, in this house that a sociopath wanders up to at night to harass people through the windows."

Are you the Jay Pinkerton of Cracked and Valve fame?

No he's the one that sucks.

Haha for a sec I thought your avacon was a bronze sculpture of Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood.

Nice Pete's slits for eyes are similar to Roast Beef's, but with an important distinction. While Roast Beef is thinking of far away times, Nice Pete is just aching for a taco supreme and will stop at nothing until he gets one.

I don't think I've ever actually been surprised into roaring laughter at the beginning of a strip before, let alone have it continue for the entire length of my read. Jesus Christbuns. I love this. I. Love. This.

no homo though

Yeah man, hecka homo. As homo as they come.

...
chubby.

....hecka?
Where the hell are you typing, your mother's house??

Yeah.

I don't know why my comment never showed up which is really upsetting... so here is what I said:

It's too early in the A.M. to handle this. Seeing Pete at the window gave me the stomach-weights.

thats because youa re a fool. you got the Fool Floundering not the Stomach Weights

nice pete's face in panel seven is also the oblique variant

Yay! A funny strip!

I do not get the joke in this strip. This is exactly how High School went in North Carolina.

chubbied for being from north cackalacky. us boys at the far end of 26 likes it when one of our own is on the internet NOT being an idiot.

what? how can you say that when you're such an idiot, and then there's the question of your avatar...

He has negated me. He has negated my NC-ness. I cry for my heritage.

dont cry for me carolina, we'll be just fine

what the fuck does that even MEAN?

I went to High School in North Carolina too, but it did not go for me. Maybe I should have gone to High School with you.

It did not go *like that for me.
Apparently, education in general did not go for me at all.

you were the child left behind?

Don't you read the news? There were none of those.

Sadly they were still all left stupid during the transition.

Nice Pete's vision of high school and his views on pants are completely mutually exclusive.

Yeah he's way off, that's college.

Imagine nice Pete saying the lines from the first strip where he appeared in the first couple speech bubbles. I'd just mock it up for you, but you know, [IMGS OFF] and all.

I'm thinking of making Nice Pete nitelights for all of the little shavers on my list. Ahh, my list, names, they do get removed, but the list does not grow shorter...

I would like to be the first to say wut.

that's ample

He's implying that he has a big dick for the little shavers. I fucking know he is.

huge slam on child killers,
outah nowhere...

I know this is likely the start of yet another story arc, but frankly it would be so much better if Onstad leaves it as a standalone. We already know how this will end. And I mean badly for the nekid bear.

it's like a James Bond film. You know how it ends: he saves the world, kills the bad guy, gets the girl. You watch not to see him do these things, but to see how well he does them this time.

maybe teodor and pete will get some ice cream. maybe.

and maybe ratacattt will get laid. no.

Is...is Nice Pete wearing pants?

no.

not when he's killin'

"No, no, nothing like that."
That's the funniest line I have seen anywhere in a long time.
A visit from Pete is like liquid comedy injected directly into the laugh organ.

Nice Pete removes all his victims' laugh organs, in order to prevent them from being reincarnated as Chemus Witches.

The victims, or the organs?

Must... think like... Pete.

OK, no more. Feels way too efficient. Feels too... good.

I sometimes dream I live in a place or time where there was a place you could go, a place where strong men battle eachother and afterwards there are no hard feelings. a martial paradise somewhere in the mountains. full of long days of running up temple steps and equally long nights spent testing eachothers strengths.

I dream of this place. I dream I am there, and it's... it's like...

I'm missing all my shows...

I dream of this place. I dream I am there, and it's... it's like...
Glad's Gay Heaven?

It was unsanitary , they had to shut it down.

Note: Do not click that link if you have a weak stomach, or weak bowels, or don't like seeing disgusting shit.

Pants are over rated.....in a run for the border.

US border guards will hesitate before firing upon a man in a state of total undress.

They may even "fire" upon him.

Teehee

I think it's significant that taco bell closes at 2am.

taco bells that arent 24-hr? #wheretheydothatat

24 hour taco bell? do they have breakfast tacos?

yes

when I read this I could not see Pete's face in the window, the speech bubbles seemed to be appearing from complete darkness. Somehow this made the comic even more amusing.

cheapest computer from cheapest walmart?

cheapest computer for cheapest high school

wow dude, thats not even black outside, its grAy. wtf man u got an apple or something?!?!? OHHH SNAP

technochauvinism from the guy with the raiders avitar. big surpirse there.

misspellings from an idiot. no surprise at all.

T does not look happy, but why are so many people saying it's going to end badly for him? It's been forever since I've read over any Pete strips, but has he killed or tortured anyone we know yet? He took Philippe for ice cream once. My memory is like Swiss cheese, though. Sigh.

afiak - only himself! they don't call him nice for nothin'

well, I stand corrected. In the next strip things aren%u2019t going well for T. Also I see that what I wrote was a bit unclear. When I asked if Pete had "killed or tortured anyone we know yet," I meant, "He's done in scads of folks we DON'T know"* (directly through the strip), but no one we know, such as Ray, or Pat, or Teodor.

*and has spoken/written of it in some detail

oh please, Assetbar chokes on a fucking apostrophe? Do I have to type as if I were in an Internet cafe in another country? commas , periods, double quotation marks, question marks all work, but apostrophes . . . ? a smart quotes things? FU, Assetbar!

Looks fine from where I'm sitting.

The look on Teodor's face in the last panel is what makes this one go over the fence and into the mean neighbor's yard.

"and now you are to ask Andy Larson where he wants to touch you.".... Sorry just figured if Manflesh was taking the week off... btw wish this worked [t][i][t][t][i][e][s]

or [titties]
or [boobs]
(or for Ratacattt and Plummet, the creepy indian chick who thinks im a troll) [moobs and dongs and all types of bonerphenalia]

Plummet actually stole TheGoblins' face, if I remember correctly. We have no evidence that Plummet is an indian chick, and in fact I think there have been hints that Plummet is male.

The case of Plummet's gender presents us with the age-old question: if one's own tiny penis has long ago disappeared into one's own cavernous asshole, is he still a he?

Now you just showin' what an ignorant asshole you are. Plummet is the asshole who stole thegoblins avi-pic.
And thegoblins is creepy only in the best sense.

Teodor doesn't seem to be getting much sleep recently...

If it's so cold, why is your window open? EXCUSE DENIED!

It wasn't open before Nice Pete stopped by.
If your creep-ometer is beeping, do not be alarmed.
This is a perfectly natural reaction.

Serves the dude right for sleeping in the nude

teodore's neck in panel five
i do not fathom what he is doing! it's like his head has fallen slightly to the side

And so begins the most boring, nonsensical arc in Achewood history.

It's a good thing Achewood never became a strip about a baby otter who never made it home due to this arc.