If you appreciate Achewood, please support Chris Onstad (shop; gallery art.)
Morning at the Parallel Corral Monday, October 27, 2008 • read strip Viewing 913 comments:
nice-on-water +59 -0
We shouldn't comment and spoil the moment...
jargonmaster +0 -0
Too late...?
earendil +64 -1
just bear ly
hipjiverobot +0 -1
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
You went there.
theguitarhero +0 -0
A comment left by theguitarhero was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by ted0phile, straw, lamboyster, Absurdist, Kleptonis, ActualTaunt, luckypyjamas, mystkmanat, orrrderup, campincarl, Mastronaut, flynn)
woodjay +66 -2
Some men are just bjorn to make puns.
spluff +4 -0
That was possibly the most intricately crafted pun I have ever had the mis/fortune of laying my eyes open. At first I thought it was just a bit of a stretch, and that you were attempting to cash in on the whole pun business by making an unrelated pun - but, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I clicked upon the link. When I reached the part explaining that it meant bear, my mind was well and truly blown. I am in awe of your prowess.

What I mean to say is, have a chubby, good sir.
jonmw +0 -0
Oh my god. That is a double-ended pun.
drskradley +0 -0
I like to think of your avatar exhibiting your shame at what you just said. At what you just said !
professorhazard +9 -0
woodjay, are you bruin up trouble in here?
drskradley +1 -0
There's no way and I'm possibly too tired anyway to think up a pun on "medvedev".

People are definitely taking the puns on as a second set of skin. You could even say they're going berserk.
pogo +1 -0
We shouldn't panda to there unbearable puns. (And yes, I know they're not really bears.)
pogo +0 -0
Props to invidious who made the panda pun 14 hours ago (somewhere down below).
pogo +5 -0
Shoot, I guess science has progressed since I was hatched and giant pandas are bears after all (see below). I'm having a Kodiak moment.
nice-on-water +2 -0
Do you feel bamboozled?
jonmw +0 -0
Are you sure that you're not confused with koalas?
woodjay +0 -0
[img]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Bronspl%C3%A5t_pressbleck_%C3%B6land_vendeltid.jpg[img]

this bearserker looks rather chill, I like
woodjay +0 -0


... assetbar ... /sob/
nice-on-water +2 -0
Goth the Assetbar blues?
invidious +4 -0
Assetbar Flowchart:

Are you on Assetbar?
|
|
(Yes)
|
|
You have the Assetbar blues.
nice-on-water +6 -0
Can't italicize, can't bold it none.
No, I can't italicize or bold it none.
Assetbar's got me down and Achewood ain't no fun.
hamscout +0 -0
Yeah, I got the """é
soooo baaaad...
thegoblins +2 -0
Don't be bhaloo.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Props.
theguitarhero +1 -0
4)
5)Profit!
woodjay +0 -0
you win this round, any puns on dire Bears, Platypus Bears, Owlbears, etc would just be too far-fetched
drskradley +1 -0
But what is more badass than a bear?

Answer: there is something.
i_love_kate +0 -0
But a bear can take down a crocodile most any day of the week.
woodjay +2 -0
I Knut think of anything else to say here

Knut der kleine icebear
nice-on-water +8 -0
GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN THAT IS THE CUTEST THING EVER HOLY FUCKING DICK HOLES ARE YOU KIDDING ME

That even trumps the sneezing kitten. God DAMN. This just makes me hate myself.
professorhazard +0 -0
Makes it even worse that Knut is the little bear that animal rights activists decided was too orphaned to be allowed to live (what).
nice-on-water +0 -0
What.
professorhazard +0 -0
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knut_(polar_bear)
nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh thank God they didn't kill him.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Quote:
Albrecht, who was not associated with any particular animal rights organization, later claimed that he was quoted out of context: According to Albrecht, he had filed suit against the head of the Leipzig Zoo in December 2006, for killing a sloth bear cub rejected by its mother. The case was dismissed by the courts arguing that raising the animal by humans would have been inappropriate. Albrecht, who opposed that judgment, says he called for Knut's death not because he actually wanted to have the bear killed, but merely to call attention to the Leipzig decision, which would have granted the Berlin Zoo the right to kill the polar bear cub. Most international media, however, relied on Bild-Zeitung's version and reported Albrecht's request to have Knut killed out of context.
invidious +0 -0
Knut lives on, but Knut's keeper/handler (Thomas Dorflein) passed away just over a month ago.
aperson +0 -0
is that cute tho
nice-on-water +0 -0
The Antarctic Applelick.
valrus +0 -0
1/2 :3
nice-on-water +0 -0
no $hit?
norsef +0 -0
Thanks for that Captain Bringdown. There we were all happy about a bear cub not being killed and you barge in with some damn reality.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
ALSO CUTE ON YOUTUBE:
hedgehogs.
tekende +0 -0
Chinchillas taking dust baths.
professorhazard +4 -0
I would give anything to hear this song performed by Rammstein.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I thought it was. I kept waiting for the guitars and Till's booming voice to come in.
woodjay +0 -0
Rammstein would probably use this as their inspiration.
Bears besiege Russian mine after killing guards
The Kamchatka brown bear is one of the world's largest, with males growing to around three metres (10ft) and weighing up to 700kg (1,540lb). They can also reach speeds of up to 30mph (48km/h) despite their size. The peninsula, nine timezones east of Moscow and twice the size of Britain, is home to an estimated 16,000 bears

Fuckin Brutal
nice-on-water +2 -0
You'd think attacks like this were few and czar between.
woodjay +1 -0
you just keep (ras)Putin your best foot forward, don't you?
nice-on-water +1 -0
Ivan trying very hard lately.
woodjay +2 -0
That was the borscht reply. Creme' de la Kremlin
nice-on-water +1 -0
So vlad you feel that way.
~alt~
Quit your stalin and ante up.
~alt~
I will nabakov you grief for absence of a good pun.
woodjay +0 -0
"I will nabakov you grief for absence of a good pun. "
I fold. I'm done like Yakov Smirnoff
nice-on-water +0 -0
gg pal, gg
nice-on-water +0 -0
Also, I meant "lack of a good pun." Flows better.
woodjay +0 -0
like a 1,500lb bear at 30mph
nice-on-water +0 -0
ULTIMATE FLUIDITY OF MOTION WHEN ONE BEARS DOWN ON YOU
aperson +1 -0
Oblast, I can't think of a Russian-related pun.
pogo +0 -0
Stop russian and slow down, one will come to you. (SSR)
nice-on-water +0 -0
I imagine aperson would respond something like this: "'Kay. Gee! Deez puns are tough!"
nice-on-water +0 -0
FUCK KGD =/= KGB
thegoblins +0 -0
'Kay! Gee, be so hard to keep my letters straight.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Tanks a bunch.
woodjay +3 -0
There was a russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

Rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said, "is it raining or snowing?"

The gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"

Rudolph replied, "raining."

The gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The gaurd could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

nice-on-water +0 -0
My liver just failed. Thank you.
woodjay +0 -0
failed on water?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Failed on bad jokes. My liver is as nice as ever thanks to water. I get very nice on the stuff.
mercuri0us +0 -0
Gorbachev, that was a good pun!
heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh holy JESUS I'm almost weeping at the cuteness. Oh my God oh my God I mart have to start breeding polar bears.
woodjay +2 -0
also cute... apples bear
nice-on-water +5 -0
MMMGGGGRFFFF APPPPLLLLLEEEEE
professorhazard +1 -0
how does a polar bear know what apples is
nice-on-water +0 -0
They feed you well in captivity.

woodjay +6 -0
nice-on-water +1 -0
Shit another meme I have to learn, scorn, then ironically reference later. Curse you, internet.
sje46 +0 -0
CURSE YOU /B/!
professorhazard +1 -0
what's /B/
sje46 +0 -0
Already broke the first two rules . ..
4chan random board. Make sure you are over 18 and mentally stable. I don't want you getting PTSD.
woodjay +0 -0
/B/ is a group of hackers on steroids that call themselves Anonymous... it's like some kind of internet hate machine.
sje46 +0 -0
As well as a meme machine. It is pretty much the center of Internet culture.
belgand +0 -0
For both good and ill. It is the unblinking eye/rectum of the Internet. The ouroboric vortex that we all circle around it consumes, yet it creates. It is terror and it is, occasionally, joy. But generally just the most absolutely terrible thing you've ever seen or could possibly imagine humanity ever creating.
sje46 +0 -0
It is also a terrorist organization.
belgand +0 -0
If we are referring to our eyeballs then perhaps that is true. Many things to arise from /b/ have most certainly terrorized peoples on the Internet.
sje46 +0 -0
nice-on-water +0 -0
Well now we know where sje came from.
sje46 +0 -0
I've never posted there. I hail from xkcd forums, however.

Greetings. I am the ambassador.
rowboat +0 -0
Well, no wonder you always get all uppity when I call it dog shit! It's a good thing I'm not the ambassador of Achewood. I might've inadvertently touched off a major conflict or something.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Ah. So there you're like The Man in the Hat and here you're Phillipe.
sje46 +0 -0
Hey guys, Nice knows something about xkcd.
He must be a fan.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I'm a reader, not exactly a fan. I don't like the math and science ones but actually today's was particularly enjoyable. I actually liked this Dept. of the Internet mini arc.
belgand +0 -0
Good for you. I'm also a fan, but not a poster. I will never fully understand the antipathy.
belgand +0 -0
Well, you can tell he's never been there then. 4 chan would never bother with something as pedestrian and inoffensive as child porn. Unless it was a vomit bukkake scene that just happened to feature a child or something. Or there was a meme that involved photoshopping a child into it like that sinister-looking little girl that's been going around recently.
aki +0 -0
A terror eye, but not quite as Dan Savage coins the term.
professorhazard +0 -0
I will have to buy a dog.
redphillip +0 -0
Professor, sharing life with a dog is always to be welcomed. Two things:

In the context of this thread, why do you have to get a dog?

And please, adopt a rescued dog, don't buy.
professorhazard +0 -0
I'm sorry, but buying a dog is the only way to stop Anonymous from blowing up my van.
redphillip +0 -0
Lots of Rottweilers and Pit Bulls get abandoned and need new homes. You don't have to buy, Professor.
woodjay +0 -0
it was a comment from fox news, on how to protect yourself from hackers.
woodjay +0 -0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNO6G4ApJQY
this news report spawned over 9000 new memes
tekende +0 -0
Awwww look at his little tongue
nice-on-water +0 -0
It's like LICK LICK LICK.
woodjay +0 -0
but wait, there's more, https://www.flickr.com/groups/knut/pool/page1/
snuffysmith +0 -0
does this remind anyone of something awesome
snuffysmith +0 -0
snuffysmith +0 -0
fuck i give up. it's super mario bros 3.
coins.
in ice.
snuffysmith +0 -0
wait
heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh man. The ice world. Freakin' sweet but I died so many times in my youth.
sje46 +0 -0
Anyone remember that effin' annoying penguin in the first snow world in 64? I thought that it would be the one right next to the mother, on top of that cabin, but no. That's just some other abandoned baby thta we shouldn't care about. I always dropped it off a cliff.
cpnglxynchos +1 -0
that's pretty cold, man.
sje46 +0 -0
Man, don't you know that without a good mother and father figure, that small bird will turn to a life of crime, becoming a goon of Bowser's? Man, the little feller will just turn into a little Eichmann, and have no chance at all of getting into Heaven.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
there was that one large mama penguin you were supposed to take it to!! sometimes kids get lost! Lord knows i got myself lost enough times to know and i've only almost killed two people and half of them deserved it!

bottom line: be kind to your web-footed friends and please don't drop baby birds off the edge of a level.
woodjay +3 -0
For those who think the Penguins will drop off the face of the earth without Mario
professorhazard +0 -0
that is hilarious
woodjay +0 -0
why thank you, sometimes google works in mysterious ways.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
It's OK guys the Penguins got a new arena. They'll be staying in Pittsburgh.
tripleg +0 -0
they also got spanked by the sharks last night!
jonmw +0 -0
Dude... there's a super-secret shortcut that you can take.
Also, you can return the baby to its mother and THEN drop it off a cliff.
sje46 +0 -0
I know about the shortcut for the other penguin. But I fail to see how I can return random orphan baby to its mother.
mercuri0us +0 -0
and then get spanked by sharks
sje46 +0 -0
I assume that the mother of the baby is dead, and now the thing has nothing else to do but pace rooftops.
randyleepublic +0 -0
Cute yes. Then they get a little bigger and use your face for appetizers.
aperson +0 -0
Geneticists: make one of these that stays little. It doesn't even have to be a talking one.
tommycrashwreck +0 -0
I'm in favor of this and still an undeclared major. New major: genetic engineering! Now I just need to enroll in that Build-a-Bear workshop I keep hearing about...
pogo +0 -0
That's apparently what we did to dogs, make them stay adolescents their whole lives. But I agree, a perpetual puppy would be a big seller.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Durakittens would be good too because lots of people can't stand old cats.
nice-on-water +0 -0
But it would help.
achilleselbow +0 -0
1:15 - Are they trying to put it in a blender?
nice-on-water +1 -0
Don't breathe this baby polar bear stuff in--it's TOXIC.
woodjay +0 -0
Assetbar: will it blend?
cbtbone +0 -0
I don't remember, I was too busy masturbating...

wait...
tekende +0 -0
heh, I thought the same thing.
sje46 +0 -0
That is so cute that I just may die.
starla +0 -0
HOLY CHRIST IS THAT AN ALIVE STUFFED ANIMAL

(no but seriously, awwwww)
hal +0 -0
The single lame is perfect. You made a pun, and all puns are bad, but this was in a good way.
nice-on-water +4 -1
lol u got me?!
daidai +4 -0
bruk
nice-on-water +9 -0
KISS MY ASS !
usversusthem +1 -0
Your bear ass? No thanks.
daidai +0 -0
A comment left by daidai was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by igotnostrings, ActualTaunt, littlefatdog)
actualtaunt +7 -0
If there is no God, who condemned you to this pun ishment?
You know, there had to be an intelligent designer- these things couldn't just hap pun .
daidai +1 -0
AND THEY ARE CREATIONISTS TOO!

;(
actualtaunt +1 -0
Actually, no. I went to Catholic school, but I never knew that there were people who didn't agree with darwin until I got to public school.
Viva natural Selection.

Also, eat shit and dai.
theguitarhero +1 -0
God daidai will you kindly shut the fuck up about puns.

It's just words on a screen.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I really have to agree. Since they mean two things, why not ignore the bad joke part and move on?
steev_dayv +0 -0
It can't be anywhere near as harmful as Girls on Film.
lechatbotte +1 -0
"Why not ignore the bad joke part and move on?"

You mean create a meaningless pun? Ouch! My brain just imploded under the pressures of the resulting vacuum.

Somewhere in the Artic, a baby bear barely able to cry lost his fur and found himself a barely bare bear with a furtive squeak.

DON'T CROSS THE BEAMS, MAN! JUST DON'T DO IT!
nice-on-water +0 -0
No, I don't mean create a meaningless joke, and I don't know how you came to that conclusion.
theguitarhero +0 -0
because he's a troll.
nigelchaos +0 -0
IT'S RAININ' MEN....

Wait.. that's "Men On Film"

Still I give that two ironic snaps!
sje46 +0 -0
The bare bearded bear barely beared barley beers.
thegoblins +0 -0
Shakespeare made a shit-ton of puns. Would you yell at him about it? Would you dare beard the bard?
tekende +0 -0
I would. I'd be all like "You SUCK you're such a fraud I mean man like half your work is taken from other stories and mythologies and stuff just where do you get off mister" and then he would cry.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I always laugh when people laud Dickens and Shakespeare for their writing ability.

I mean their writing was written for the lowest common denominator in order to create the greatest amount of profit they weren't even trying to be famous in the future.

Unlike nowadays where almost every writer wants to be heard.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Do you deny their skill?
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm just saying that they intentionally dumbed down their work in order to play to the most people.

Dickens was especially guilty of this. The Pickwick Papers was basically focus group tester in order to get the most amount of people to spend the most amount of money.

It's just ironic that modern literary critics laud what in effect was the 18th century equivalent of three camera sitcoms.
hamscout +1 -0
While I'll agree that they did create low-brow, mass-appeal works, I would like to see all of the "high-class" work from the period, to see if it is still relevant and worthwhile today. I didn't see Ms. Paltrow starring in any Christopher Marlowe plays...

This is why we should feel secure that our fart jokes and terrible puns will survive for future generations!
( *Note to future generations: Onstad is a genius, and Fried Cheese is God. )
sje46 +0 -0
I totally agree. Billy Shakes and Chuck D are basically the VH1 of the Renaissance and Victorian eras.
belgand +0 -0
Dickens, however, was shit. Still is too. Overly descriptive wanksock.
thegoblins +0 -0
I know, I never thought Shakespeare was any great shakes myself, particularly on the poetry front.
professorhazard +1 -0
But was he any great speares?
thegoblins +0 -0
That clever comment has put me in quite a pickle.
professorhazard +2 -0
It was an instant vlasic.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Kosher, dill tell you that.
(Oh sure, they'll tell that.)

In case it wasn't clear.
hamscout +0 -0
you guys are dill holes.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I can't tell you my joy at the paragraph-long Shakespeare pun I crafted a few days ago here in Assetbar. I think if you go back a few days and ctrl f "Yorik" it'll be the only result.
lechatbotte +0 -0
You've just invited a bunch of posters to go back and litter the page with Yorik comments.

Meanwhile, a propos to nothing:

If Missisippi loans Michigan her New Jersey, what will Delaware?

The classic response is: Idaho. Alaska.
kamet +0 -0
A lot of people say a lot of things about Hawaii.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
OH DAMN what is this from?
professorhazard +0 -0
https://shutupandgoogleit.com/
fineoakstructure +1 -0
https://assumeialreadygoogleditandnothingcameup.com/

ftp://believeitornot-noteverythingisonfuckingoogle-jackass.com/
theguitarhero +0 -0
Wow, just...wow.
sje46 +1 -0
Those sites aren't real! Lies!
professorhazard +0 -0
1.) shutupandgoogleit.com is a real website. Don't be juvenile.

2.) I googled it and found the source of it before posting that link.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Yes, I realize it's a real website, and your posting it was a juvenile response: apparently, you found the right source for the reference, but instead of posting that directly and answering my question in a helpful manner, you just posted shutupandgoogleit.com.

Also, I still don't see the "source"...care to share it this time?
theguitarhero +0 -0
Can't we all just get along? Sheesh what the hell is going on in you guys' lives that makes you have to be such DICKS to each other ON THE INTERNET.
theguitarhero +0 -0
IN FRONT OF ALL OF US.
theguitarhero +0 -0
CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE TEARING US APART?!?!
professorhazard +0 -0
Teach a man to fish, etc etc
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Yeah, really? Google? Awesome, thanks. I'll bookmark it.

So how did you find the "source" on a google search of that phrase, by the way? I tried again, humble man that I am, and didn't see any reference to Mr. Show in the first 5 or 6 pages, at least...just wondering.
professorhazard +1 -0
I put the phrase in quotation marks, which yielded one page of results. I noticed someone mentioning it was a Mr. Show quote, then re-Googled it in conjunction with Mr. Show to confirm it. The entire process took all of about forty-five seconds. I figured that since it was that easy, I would encourage you to try a little harder, and then a level-six shitstorm hit town, washing away several key senses of humor in the process.
fineoakstructure +1 -0
I googled the phrase and scanned through several pages of results, noticing that nothing referenced a TV show or movie, figured that maybe this was a modified reference (it seemed familiar, but maybe "Hawaii" wasn't in the original quote?), and, unthinkably, decided to ask what it might be from.

You, of course, have much superior googlin' skills than I do, and found it. You could've just given me the answer, but no, you had to be smarmy, indirect and patronizing. So I give you a little shit back, don't go acting like you didn't ask for it. If you didn't want a "shitstorm," try not being a prick and just answer somebody's simple question (I mean, shit, you didn't even say "google it," you actually put the link for shutupandgoogleit.com).

I get sick of it when people pull that "google is your friend" shit (and not because I get it a lot, your my first, prof), as if it's such a crime to ask a question in the SEA OF FUCKING BAD PUNS and 700 other comments of BS we all revel in around here. Must be a killer waste of space.
rowboat +1 -0
I'm not taking either side in this little slap fight, but I will say that I hate the idea behind shutupandgoogleit.com only because it's a conversation killer. I maintain that it is fine to be a cock on the internet. It can be a real blast, actually. But it's so much better when such behavior may open the door to a conversation other than that of the "Fuck You, fineoakstructure!" "No, fuck you, professorhazard!" variety.

In closing, professor, quite being such a hateful-ass nerd and try actually talking to people. Your Google prowess is legend. Don't expect us to be able to keep up with you. Just be our helpful guide in this mad jungle of pop culture references.

fineoak, watch more Mr. Show.

OK, I guess I am kind of taking sides. But I like both of you.

No, I fucking love both of you.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I don't normally go in for that benevolent interlocutor role people like to play in these kind of hissy fits, but yeah, that's a pretty good job.

Plus, new strip's up.
achilleselbow +1 -0
I was the guitarist for Benevolent Interlocutor until I found out they were a Christian band.
kamet +0 -0
Mr. Show
fineoakstructure +0 -0
That's it. Thanks, kamet.
hedonismbot +0 -0
She's helpful. She helped you find the quote, and her avataricon is helping me immensely. Throbbingly, even
kamet +0 -0
It's a public service, really. Bringing the joy of breasts whereever I go.
odei +0 -0
How about a quiet ' awwwwwww '?
nice-on-water +1 -0
Only if you promise not to cry .
sje46 +0 -0
awwwwwwwww
sje46 +2 -0
*cries* Oops!
nice-on-water +4 -0
SON OF A.
qingofchina +2 -0
You have had too much sugar.
nice-on-water +1 -0
Not enough, really.
hughw +0 -0
they are sooooooo cute.
biff +0 -0
Dang.

This looks like love. Or at least a fairly long-term dalliance.`
gormster +0 -0
Um. So, age gap, anyone? I can understand how it didn't come up last night, but if he wouldn't pay $20 for port her age I'm assuming she's under 30, probably early 20s. Connie is, what? 60ish?

You think this isn't going to come up, Mr Bear?
aperson +9 -0
That's... what she... said?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Perhaps.


Perhaps.
octafish +0 -0
Little blue pills? Not for Connie, no sir, no nasal spray, no horny goat weed, just a brief glance at some erotic etchings.
terebikun +5 -0
some lewd daguerrotypes, mayhaps
firedmyass +0 -0
bawdy silhouettes
belgand +0 -0
Saucy puppet shows
luckypyjamas +0 -0
all "catfish" lavender cavendish picture show

none of that mechanical sex for cornelius
achilleselbow +2 -0
Dear lord spare me from that awful mechanical sex.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Awww, it's not so terrible. Let me show you
theguitarhero +0 -0
BOO TO THAT.
nice-on-water +0 -0
WHY FIND OUT how bad mechanical sex is
biff +1 -0
I think the Master of Old School, the winner going away of the BadAss Games, will be able to keep this liaison as long as he likes.

If anything, she will be apologizing for being so young.
invidious +0 -0
Cornelius... Hefner ?
nice-on-water +0 -0
Cornelius...HEIFER??
sje46 +0 -0
Apparently Hefner is the Citizen Kane of the adult entertainment world.
He apparently really loved Holly, who left him for Criss Angel.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/profiles/is-the-party-over-for-playboy-960143.html
hamscout +2 -0
I'd ride that sled...
belgand +0 -0
Yeah, but I'd still go for dating a pair of 19 year-old twins. Even with their ages combined they're still less than half his age.

Not really my type as far as looks though, but as a concept... hell yeah.
sje46 +0 -0
. . .I'm a 19 year old twin.
octafish +0 -0
Tragically Sean was an only twin.
sje46 +0 -0
:(
sje46 +0 -0
And how did you know my name? Creep.
octafish +0 -0
Jesus you kept telling us every second post when you started here.
sje46 +0 -0
. .. I'm not that surprised you know it, really. But I don't think I've said it more than three times.
pogo +0 -0
Sean Sean Sean ... ahhhh! It's the devil in my mirror!
earendil +1 -0
They're so perfect for each other, I can hardly bear it.
nice-on-water +16 -0
Y'Ursa-ch a funny guy.
higuma +9 -0
Can we lay off the bear jokes?
singtralala +0 -1
bearly... oh, i just fucked that up
daverud +1 -0
please bear with us
drskradley +1 -1
TURBOPUNS.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm gonna kick you in the face with my energy legs!
wneal +5 -0
But the bear jokes are oso silly.
actualtaunt +0 -0
This is Getting unbearable
ttagxamm +2 -0
Downright grisly.
invidious +3 -0
I refuse to panda to your sensibilities with another pun.

Oh god dammit.
invidious +1 -0
(yes I know a panda isn't a bear don't make me hunt you down with a wooden cooking spoon)
actualtaunt +12 -0
nah, I found that pun to be of high koala-ty
nice-on-water +0 -0
Damn, I was trying to think of a koala one...
sje46 +0 -0
A comment left by sje46 was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by meddle, professorhazard, capital, farqussus, mer, campincarl, mikeyk)
clockworkorange +0 -0
Not to be an overbearing smartass, but it has been decided that pandas are, in fact, bears. Genetics trumps body structure.
actualtaunt +0 -0
I almost missed the pun in the first claws.
redphillip +0 -0
Panda is too a bear. It's the earliest form of bear in the Ursinideae. (I assume you meant the Giant Panda. All other pandas are not bears.) /pedant mode off/
sje46 +0 -0
Is Ronnie a bear?
oingoboingirl +0 -0
technically he is a Weasle.
sje46 +0 -0
I only watched it about halfway though . . ..
oingoboingirl +1 -0
NOOOOOO! you can't give up!
unless you gave up because you didn't find it funny.
then you should give up.
ON LIFE.
autrepoupee +0 -0
you get a chubby for oingo boingo.

but i don't know what you wild teens are referencing otherwise.
sje46 +0 -0
Wizard People, Dear Readers. Brad Neely.
sje46 +0 -0
I swear! I was watching it in installments. And then I forgot to finish it. I wil, soon.

Actually, I made it maybe 3/4.
jonno +0 -0
The Young Ones, excellent.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
Ah, Assetbar. The only place I've encountered where people are aware of both my (admittedly obscure) favorite band AND tv show without me 'sperging out and killing everyone's interest before it begins.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Surprise...it's my birthday.
theguitarhero +2 -1
Rip diddle ip dip dip dip it's your birthday!

nice-on-water +0 -0
I swear, today was my friend's birthday and I sang this to him for around 3 minutes, which is longer than it sounds, you should try it some time.
sje46 +0 -0
I suspect taht I was talking about something else than you.
Didn't they call Ron Weasly Ronnie the Bear in the redub of Harry Potter called Wizard People, Dear Readers?
oingoboingirl +0 -0
Oh yeah, I was talking about WPDR. his nickname is Ronnie the bear (occasionally Ronnie the Effin' Bear)
but his family is always referred to as the Weasles. as in "Everyone knows that Weasles are put into Gryffindor. Ronnie's 20 brothers and 12 sisters are all Gryffindor students or alumni or faculty"
sje46 +0 -0
Oh, okay. It's just that you were talking about your favorite band and TV show, and this is neither a band nor a TV show.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
I was just talking about how people recognized my favorite band and TV show (Oingo Boingo and The Young Ones) from my name and avatar, it's really rare I meet a person who's heard of either of them. most of my friends are familiar with WPDR, though.
rowboat +0 -0
Quote:
I was just talking about how people recognized my favorite band and TV show (Oingo Boingo and The Young Ones) from my name and avatar, it's really rare I meet a person who's heard of either of them. most of my friends are familiar with WPDR, though.

There's something very strange about that. I guess I don't really know any 19-year-olds anymore, so I shouldn't have any specific reason to be shocked that someone of that age could be familiar with Brad Neely without knowing Danny Elfman. Still, 19 or not, that's fucked up, and I say that as a great fan of both of them.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
well, all of my friends at the very least know who Danny Elfman is thanks to my frequent obsessive ravings, but other than a few of them downloading 'Little Girls' after I played it at a party none of them care nearly as much as they should. Mr. Neely's work is a completely different story, two of my friends and I discovered it separately but at about the same time. Now thanks to us WPDR is slowly but surely replacing the news of Nina's herpes as the quickest thing to spread through our community's youth.
sje46 +0 -0
I heard of Danny Elfman and knew he had something to do with the Simpsons.
zapatos +0 -0
Mr. Elfman did the soundtrack for Nightmare Before Chirstmas. How is he not super duper popular? That movie is like... the ultimate 13-26 marketing tool.
sje46 +0 -0
Yeah, that too.
I heard his name a few places.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
He's composed scores for dozens of movies (including almost all of Tim Burton's, not just TNBC), and he was the frontman for Oingo Boingo among other things.
sje46 +0 -0
I know who Mark Mothersburg is.

And yes I know who Danny Elfman is. I know he does music, and I knew he does movies, and I know he did the Simpsons.
nice-on-water +0 -0
-baugh*
zapatos +0 -0
I figured you knew who he was, I meant... I meant that I am suprised everyone doesn't know who it is. They sell that movie's soundtrack at HotTopic and I know I see people in there. So damn many of them.
sje46 +0 -0
I know a ten year old kid who memorized the lyrics to Nightmare Before Christmas.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
I hate that everyone associates The Nightmare Before Christmas with hot topic. It's like any time merchandise for anything gets sold there, it's instantly stupid and only for emo/scene kids.
TNBC is my all-time favorite movie, I've seen it hundreds of times and I'm definitely not one of the lame hot topic kids.
zapatos +0 -0
Actually, you are now one of them. It happnened to me too, I bought a Megaman shirt. Sorry.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I can't even enjoy that movie, partly because I never did, but when this bastardized emo scene came out a few years ago it just drove me further away.
rowboat +0 -0
As far as I know he is extremely popular, even if a lot of people don't know it.

Wait....I guess that doesn't make any damn sense. I guess what I mean is that he's extremely rich and people the world over have an intimate knowledge of his work (by which I refer to his excellent, excellent film and television scores) even if they may not know his name or history. I mean, as popular as Tim Burton is, Danny Elfman is as well, just in a different way.

Incidentally, his score for Edward Scissorhands may be my favorite from any movie, ever.
kamet +0 -0
Seconded
oingoboingirl +0 -0
I once listened to 'Ice Dance' 325 times in a row.
flazisismuss +0 -0
The idea that there are people who have not heard the song "Little Girls" makes me want to cry. Still, you weren't born when it was released, so what do you expect.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
that's actually one of the only songs that most of my friends like as much as they should, but it's mostly because of the video, I think
tekende +3 -1
What the fuck are you nerds talking about
sje46 +0 -0
JFGI
lechatbotte +5 -0
Oingoboing irl ? Help me! Is this insanity, or just some weird science? I'm the same man I was before (no one lives forever), but if you stay in a fool's paradise with the new generation, Halloween may be just another day for a dead girl's party. Outrageous pain in my life! If we close our eyes, we may hear somebody cry softly in the distance. Little girls, you are not my slave. Take the elevator, man. Go home again.
autrepoupee +0 -0
OUT OF THE BALLPARK HELL YES
oingoboingirl +1 -0
Hey! I want to make Violent love to that post When The Lights Go Out. Really, I'm Out Of Control with Gratitude. It's always Good For Your Soul to meet one of the other Flesh 'N Blood boingoloids out there. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got the Whole Day Off so I'm going to spend it Running On A Treadmill (afterwards I'll indulge in some of my Nasty Habits, but let's not go into my Private Life). Goodbye, Goodbye lechattebotte; never Change.
oingoboingirl +0 -0
your turn, autrepoupee. if you think you've got the Grey Matter, that is.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Pshaw, I'm Not Your Slave.
autrepoupee +0 -0
OH GOD NOT MY SLAVE AHHH I FUCKED IT ALL UP WHAT HAVE I DONE
oingoboingirl +0 -0
Aw, don't Sweat it. When these things happen to me, at first all I can think Is This: 'I'm So Bad!' but after a while It Only Makes Me Laugh. As long as you Try To Believe, I'm sure you'll have Better Luck Next Time.
lechatbotte +0 -0
Between your three posts I count 17 song titles. I still beat you by 3! Great fun!
oingoboingirl +0 -0
No, you Impostor! we're tied! apparently your method of counting is far from a Perfect System. You probably got Lost Like This: All The Pieces of my posts that are capitalized (On The Outside of the first letters in the sentence) are song titles. If you count again and still Can't See, maybe you just didn't recognize some of the songs; not to say that you're a bad fan or anything, but when it comes to boingo knowledge I'm hardly Helpless.But don't Run Away, I'm not trying to start War Again.
But it doesn't matter anyway, because Glory Be! I'm now ahead of you by 10, making me the Controller of the situation! Ain't This The Life?
tekende +1 -0
Yes, red pandas aren't bears. But the big black and white ones that eat a lot and are too fat and lazy to reproduce, those are bears.
nice-on-water +1 -0
Red Pandas are like glorified foxes.
pogo +0 -0
Hey, those were the two bands playing last night at the center. Not.
usversusthem +0 -0
Of c ours e we can't.
rckd +0 -0
But I'm having a whale of a time.


... I don't get it.
rananda +12 -0
when the lord provides such an opening for a lusitania gag, man can only be unfeeling.
riazm +0 -0
Come on guys. I read the wikipedia article and now I want some Lusitania jokes. Who's Cornelius enough to go first?
actualtaunt +3 -0
I find it ironic that making that particular joke gave him a sinking feeling.
actualtaunt +0 -0
He probably felt like that joke bombed.
octafish +0 -0
Completely torpedoed that comment.
nice-on-water +1 -0
Oh I don't know, it seemed pretty germane.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Q: How is your mother like the Lusitania?

A: Five dollars to find out
leonassan +2 -0
Large, round, and carrying a disease that destroys all it touches?
sphrog +0 -0
Orson Scott Card references in my assetbar?
snidedk +0 -0
It's more likely than you think.
invidious +53 -0
Quote:
Q: How is your mother like the Lusitania?


1,200 Brits went down on her?
tekende +0 -0
Oh, well done, sir. Well done.
professorhazard +0 -0
Five dollar profit totally thwarted
cbtbone +0 -0
One foot-long sub coming up!
man_of_stijl +0 -0
I was gonna say 'displaces 44,000 tons' but your is funnier.
redphillip +2 -0
They are made for each other, these two. Whether it comes to grief, long-lasting affection, or or nothing more than breakfast and a good-bye peck on the cheek, they are none the less made for each other.
professorhazard +0 -0
Polly - voiced by Jean Smart? Discuss.
wozzeck +3 -0
Do you mock my broken heart, Onstad, you magnificent bastard? Am I to believe this has all been coincidence?

When I have wiped away the tears, a "5" upon thee.
powderfinger +1 -0
though I have a broken heart, i'm too busy to be heart broken
gormster +1 -0
I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
better than before

God damn you, Motion City Soundtrack, now every time I see the words "broken heart" I get your insanely catchy track stuck in my head.
fineoakstructure +5 -0
Take
these broken wings,
and learn to fly again, learn to live so free

God damn you, Motion City Soundtrack. I know the lyrics above are from Mr. Mister, but Motion City Soundtrack is a horrible band.
gormster +0 -0
You are wrong .
theguitarhero +0 -0
MCS is awesome.
gmm +0 -0
Kudos for your Spritualized referencing, Mr Powderfinger.
jaldor +1 -0


broken hearts are for stone cold assholes, dude.
nice-on-water +0 -1
Ram it, ram it, ram it, ram it up your poop chute.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I expect the appropriate responses to my call.
sje46 +0 -1
LOL IS THAT BRIAN WILSON?!?!?!
nice-on-water +0 -0
I...I don't know what to make of this...
sje46 +1 -0
It's a joke.
I saw a poster for a Brian Wilson signing in Boston, and I listened to Smile, so he was on my mind.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Okay. Sorry. It's just, the whole Assetbar Phillipe thing. Sorry.

I'm gonna be round my vegetables
I'm gonna chow down my vegetables
I...love...you MOST of all
My favorite vegetables...
boredom_man +0 -0
But now I'm only falling apart! Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart!
sje46 +0 -0
What song is that?
sje46 +1 -0
Answer:
Not a Brian Wilson/ Beach Boys song.
boredom_man +0 -0
What, are you standing on Google now?
sje46 +0 -0
What kind of question is that?
Answer: A silly one.
boredom_man +0 -0
Oh, thank god. My bad.
nice-on-water +0 -0
God DAMN it they play that song EVERY FUCKING DAY at my fucking dining hall.
sje46 +0 -0
Yes, they should play more Brain Wilson Frank Zappa.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Either, but I would prefer Zappa.
sje46 +1 -0
I like the dude. Craziest man to touch a piano, but still amicable.
NO BRIAN I DONT WANT TO PUT THAT FIREFIGHTER HELMET ON MY HEAD NOW GO BACK TO YOUR BED FOR TEN YEARS
lechatbotte +0 -0
Speaking of vegetables. Who knows what the hardest thing about eating vegetables is?
nice-on-water +3 -0
Getting permission from their families?
redphillip +0 -0
YIKES. But chubbied!
nice-on-water +0 -0
YIKES. Thank you.

OMG Is dis a THING??!?
redphillip +0 -0
OMG I guess it IZ! I've never had one before, you know, a THING . You're my first, Nice! (And good christ I can't tell you how long it's been that I could say that about anything !) I mean, like, BFF !
nice-on-water +0 -0
Well BFF is a stretch but, yeah, I mean, a Thing, for sure.
redphillip +0 -0
You're right. A serious stretch. But a thing, a Beautiful Thing. (Terrific movie.)
lechatbotte +0 -0
"Permission from their families" is close:

The hardest thing about eating vegetables is:

The wheelchair!

(Thank you. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)
morypcaina +1 -0
corn hole
nice-on-water +0 -0
Fucking, finally.
professorhazard +1 -0
What is "An apt description of Cornelius's recent adventures".
nice-on-water +0 -0
That too.
wozzeck +0 -0
(She was three inches taller than me, and the Aphrodite of Ohio.)
ashoykh +0 -0
this is the sweetest strip ever
nice-on-water +0 -0
What about Molly and Beef's wedding? The flashbacks made me choke.
betwixt +0 -0
i foresee the next wedding.
hamscout +10 -0
SOON...

(Sorry for the huge-ness...)
sje46 +0 -0
Are you only capitalizing on the popularity of The Math?
hamscout +0 -0
Plus, for Connie, it would be: "The Maths "
sje46 +0 -0
This is why I loathe Britishers.
rowboat +0 -0
You don't really expect us to believe that you loathe anyone, do you?
sje46 +0 -0
. .. .you called my bluff.
It's just that everyone else here hates everyting, and I wanted to fit in.
:(
rowboat +3 -0
Heh, yeah - we do hate some shit around here.

But don't rush it, little guy. I know it seems like everyone's in a big rush to grow up and hate all kinds of shit right away. I was the same way. I was so ready to hate just anything that I ended up hating some of the wrong things. It got me in a lot of trouble.

I think you'll find that the longer you wait to start hating shit, the more special it will be when you finally do find the right shit to hate.

Chin up, little man - you will hate shit!
sje46 +0 -0
And then . ..and then I will become a man, and I don't have to shave down there because I will actually deserve them?
rowboat +1 -0
No one deserves pubics.
octafish +0 -0
No one with a shaved pubis needs to be justified,
daedala_x +1 -0
i can't chubby this hard enough. it's just beautiful.

i, on the other hand, am saving my hate for marriage.
sje46 +0 -0
I actually quoted him on something. I won't say on what, though.
rowboat +0 -0
I'm curious.
sje46 +0 -0
My AIM profile. And the funny thing is that no one will know what I'm, talking about.
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
the only letter in both popularity and The Math is 'A'.

thus, "the MAth."
sje46 +0 -0
And "t".
bizarro8mybaby +0 -0
chubby for the inverted horn. At last it will be safe from Lyle's molestations
hamscout +0 -0
Didn't know if anyone would catch that--my own little added narrative about some wedding night shenannigans...
Didn't have time to 'shop a tube o' lube into the last frame...
nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh my, there's a bow tie hanging on the mirror. Such attention to detail. That is glorious.
aliiis +0 -0
it did give me little shivers.
zapatos +0 -0
Memories floating back to the surface? Such great times.
dammittim +0 -0
Polly is now my second favorite stripper ever. She is only second because #1 gave me her copy of "The Power of Myth," and because we go back to old times together.
tekende +0 -0
Admit it. You're just dying for someone to ask you for details, so you can tell everyone that you had sex with a stripper.
finish_him +3 -0
cmon d00d have u had striper?
celesticles +1 -0
She wasn't a "focuser."
dammittim +0 -0
I wasn't implying that I had sex with a stripper. I was implying that a stripper gave me a book that I liked.
tekende +1 -0
From now on I think we should use "a book that I liked" as a euphemism for blow job.
tripleg +0 -0
this girl i introduced to achewood gave me an awkard book that i liked in the airport bathroom
hedonismbot +2 -0
Your moms gave me some Dan Brown last night. Tell her she needs a lot more practice
actualtaunt +0 -0
Your mom read me the book of good times.

sje46 +0 -0
Your mom gave me Howard Stern's Private Parts.
redphillip +0 -0
Flash frozen or well-preserved in a glass jar for display on your mantle or coffee table?
sje46 +0 -0
I don't know if you guys are serious or not. I'm talking about the paperback. You know, what the last panel is referring to.
redphillip +0 -0
I had completely forgotten the humidity-fanned Howard Stern paperbacks. They had been completely shoved from short-term memory by the awesomeness of "Screw the Whales. Save the Gentlemen." The brain damage doesn't help memory function either, particularly under the influence of awesome.
smilebuddha +0 -0
Did Stern actually hold still for the knife?
professorhazard +3 -0
I can gives myself this really cools books that I likeds, Skwisgaar.
woodjay +0 -0
Ow, my back!
professorhazard +1 -0
woodjay were you trying to suck your own [GUITAR FEEDBACK]
woodjay +0 -0
Yes I was, though, now thinking about it... maybe I should have originally referenced giving myself a raise, or a solid gold telephone, or a boat.
professorhazard +0 -0
I wanteds to kiss da goyles
woodjay +0 -0
...Jerry Lewis?
professorhazard +0 -0
No, that too is Toki Wartooth, lamenting his inability to attend the national pornography awards.
woodjay +0 -0
yes, but if you read toki's words in the voice of Jerry Lewis it is so cash. Glaven
professorhazard +0 -0
You made me do this.
woodjay +0 -0
What have I done?! i'm just, so sorry... is this proper grounds for giving a dude card? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l63SRpGXBHE
or for something not so completely different?
zapatos +0 -0
Hey man, you ever have sex with a stripper?
riazm +6 -0
Anyone here ever had sex with a stripper? I need to know pretty bad.
zapatos +0 -0
I have had sex with a stripper. I had sex with her two times, and they were both awesome. A close friend of mine had sex with a stripper five times, he said three were great and the other two were okay.

I am sure there are other people, but I don't know them.
dangelder +4 -0
Dad?
zapatos +1 -0
I thought your mother took away your computer. Are you at the libraby again?
professorhazard +0 -0
W2S [Libraby of Constitution], PST with offer
gormster +0 -0
Oooh, your face is red . Like a strawbrary.
zapatos +0 -0
Only when you talk to me, I get somewhat nervous.
gmm +1 -1
Funnny EVERY time
akadriver +0 -0
...was it SO cash?
hoboninja +0 -0
It was bearly cash.
woodjay +0 -0
Winnie we going to stop this nonsense?
thegoblins +0 -0
If we let it go on too long, it could become a bad Rabbit.
actualtaunt +0 -0
Are you pooh poohing his pun?
hedonismbot +1 -0
Yes, his name was Dan "Danimal" Johnson. He was dreamy. I thought he was a remarkably buff woman with a beard
redphillip +0 -0
And when, exactly, was the truth revealed? No matter, really, since you thought him 'dreamy'. My estimation of you has been elevated enormously!
tripleg +0 -0
that is some damn fine details noticing and mnemonic fashioning on the part of both parties
thommy_h +0 -0
I am extremely charmed by this strip.
zapatos +0 -0
Her name is Kassandra, she... I am so drunk.

I miss lieing (laying?) in bed next to a stranger I trust, thinking about how very wonderful they are. Thoughts running through my head like a guy on fire trying to make it into the pool before his face melts off.

Sometimes Chris makes me feel like clapping.
maximus +0 -0
Like a Slacker Bukowski
Or an oil painting of a soiled undergarment
The nicotine-stained dreams of a boy too wise to care
But too weak to pull the plug.

(finger snaps)
daedala_x +2 -0
No! Don't listen to him! That's not romantic! That's just saying what happens when people spend time together!
tekende +0 -0
Crap what is that FROM I know I recognize it from SOMETHING
rawk5tar +0 -0
Sounds like Futurama to me, but I could be wrong.
admiralpants +0 -0
Family Guy. Stewie yelling at Bill Cosby. I think my mother's birthday is supposed to be in the place where that information is stored.
tekende +0 -0
OH YEAH

"That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!"

THANK YOU
daidai +0 -0
If virtually any other character in Achewood called someone "a girl who could pull a covered wagon with her teeth" it would be a snide, possibly sexual remark.

Not Cornelius.
paperboy_2000 +11 -0
For any other character the description would be a lead-in to writing new modules for Oregon Trail.

#visit_strip_club
#feed_dancers_butter
#yoke_dancers_to_wagon
#does_Hiram_sell_clear_plastic_pumps?
hoboninja +0 -0
Glad I wasn't the only one who thought of Hiram.
autrepoupee +0 -0
what does it mean coming from Cornelius? I don't understand it at all. She's got powerful teeth, high enamel?
stereo +3 -0
She can tolerate his yokes.
thegoblins +0 -0
I don't think it's a reference to his caulk at all. That idea just won't float.
autrepoupee +0 -0
seriously though guys i don't get it

this whole strip takes me down like eight pegs, because i don't get most of it. :_(

needs more oblique titty references and maybe a big bag of grass
achilleselbow +0 -0
It's pretty simple actually. Butter is full of, like, calcium and shit, so don't forget to butter your bacon.
tripleg +1 -0
ahem... eating all the butter is the way of country folk such as whose lives are strenuous and grueling, therefore requiring massive amounts of caloric intake in order to maintain a healthy body weight
flazisismuss +0 -0
I interpreted the butter reference to be a slam on the effete coastal habit of limiting one's butter intake, or worse, using margarine. Connie properly would regard such as lowly things.
boredom_man +0 -0
Yeah. Cornelius was raised by Depression-era parents, and eschews the less-practical trappings of Boomers (and might not technically be one). He'd have no actual use for a strong country girl, but he's on the lookout to justify each of her innocent attributes as something noble and grand.
biznart +3 -0
I don't know who Connie thinks he's fooling by tidying up the bathroom. In all likelihood, she'll see Lyle doing a Roseanne in a t-shirt on her way down the hall.
telescreen +0 -0
OH AND DID THEY WAKE THE BABY?
You know they did.
hedonismbot +2 -0
Oh I just love the alt text. Comparing to a woman's age to dessert wine is a fine, fine thing. I tend to go more for women who compare well with single malt, but I'm sure my taste will change as I sit in the cask
daidai +4 -0
I thought you preferred women with breast sizes that compared with their high-school grades?
valrus +0 -0
9 through 12?
tekende +1 -0
Ds and Fs? Maybe some Js?
fineoakstructure +1 -0
Maybe some B's and some J's...

I got those grades for doing a report on a book that I liked

---->INNUENDO<----

sje46 +0 -0
In your endo.
drskradley +0 -0
I'll double your entendre.
zapatos +37 -0
I like my women as I like my scotch. Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Oh goddamn it, chubby.
zapatos +0 -0
I'm raking in hell of chubbies with that one. Thanks for the stepping stone Hedo.
hedonismbot +0 -0
It pops up on here every month or two. I pulled a quick 20 chubbs from it a few months ago. It is now on you to set it up for the next generation when your time comes
zapatos +0 -0
its... its green! I feel like I just won a pretty-girl contest. Thank you Hedonismbot, I will strive to make another's life as meaningful!
dangelder +6 -0
I like my women like my coffee...ethically purchased from South American farming communities.
octafish +4 -1
I like my women like Bobby Brown likes his women, black, punched in the face, and thrown down the stairs.

I'm not sorry Bobby Brown,it's my perogative.
sje46 +2 -0
They say I'm the cutest boy in town.
My car is fast my teeth are shiny.
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heiny
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressing sharp and I'm
Acting cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work and maybe later I'll rape her

Brian Wilson was a genius .
actualtaunt +0 -0
Thanks for the Zappa.
powderfinger +2 -0
I like my women like I like my riffs, heavy and stoned.
smilebuddha +0 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee... quiet .
farqussus +0 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a cupboard under the stairs.
tekende +0 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee, purchased from a trendy overpriced chain based in Seattle.
syncopation +3 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee - roasted, ground, and submerged in boiling water.
eatmorekix +0 -0
once in high school i saw a guy wearing a shirt that said "ground up and in the freezer". every time i tell that story to a guy, they always giggle a little, involuntarily, and then say "ahem. oh man, that's awful." i just didn't understand why it was funny. replace "women" with any other minority and dude would have been crucified, but he got away with wearing the shirt to school.

twelve years old and mixed up with coke is priceless though. clearly i have inconsistent self-righteousness
boredom_man +3 -0
I don't even know where to begin with the idea of "women" as a minority.
potatoes9000 +3 -0
I'm pretty sure there are...more...women....than men.

Pretty sure.

Also, I like my women like I like my refrigerators:

Cold and inaccessible because there's a table and that fucking guy with the buzzcut in the way, all drinking the milk from the carton and eating my fucking Brie without any goddamn crackers like the uncultured shithead he is. WHORE! WHORE!
eatmorekix +0 -0
technical majority, social minority.
sje46 +1 -0
Yes. This is the case. I know this because I took Sociology 101.
(What a dumb field of study).
octafish +0 -0
Now what did Lennon say woman was assetbar Phillipe?
sje46 +0 -0
He said that you're making me feel like I've never been born.
boredom_man +1 -0
Yeah, if you like I could give you 10,000 words on why it it not the case, and why our collective decision to continue teaching it that way is counterproductive to the full emancipation of the majority gender, and I really don't reckon that sociology is a dumb field of study it's just that our method of institutionalized learning has never been particularly good with that sort of work, but all of that can be found by other writers on the Internet and no one really wants it, not me you nor EatMoreKix, and I knew that last night but was drunk enough to figure everyone would just want a little snarky comment instead. Sorry, everybody!
stereo +0 -0
You should get on that 10,000 words a day thing, in less than a decade you could be the next Ayn Rand.
sje46 +0 -0
You'd also finish NaNoWriMo in a business week.
gormster +0 -0
I like this idea because it assumes that the average Ayn Rand novel has slightly less than thirty-six million words.
thegoblins +0 -0
She was basically not a novelist. She should have stuck to shouting, I think.
syncopation +1 -2
I find your parallel between women and racial minorities... vaguely insensitive. The reason the shirt (even in such poor taste) works with women but not racial minorities is because women really aren't that bad off, considering.

Somehow, I think groups that have been enslaved as recently as 150 years ago - in this country no less - and could be beaten or killed publicly 35 years ago (and arguably still today) have it a bit rougher than women, whose biggest complaint today are that they make slightly less money in the workplace than men and have jokes made about them...

I'm not a misogynist, I just think there's a perspective to these things.

(Also, "minority" is a lame phrase for what you mean. For instance, if the shirt had been about say, Italians - who are a minority, people would have been more confused than offended.)
syncopation +0 -0
This sounds really rude and confrontational when I read it back. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't... But I know I was rather put off by how you said it, even if it wasn't what you meant. So it's not to start an argument, just a conversation.
boredom_man +1 -0
"Minority" is a lame word for a number of reasons, especially when applied to Asian women. But your statement that womens' "biggest complaint today are that they make slightly less money in the workplace than men and have jokes made about them" is a bit factually inaccurate. A tad. I think you'd find a deeper look into the crime statistics over the past 35 years educational.
syncopation +0 -0
I'm not sure if you're talking about rape - but I was contemplating that after my post... I'm not really sure where I stand on it. Probably somewhere between "that's like saying 7-11 workers are discriminated against because they're victims of a certain type of crime as well" and "yeah, you have a completely valid point."

Regardless, I'm willing to bet (or I've been misled into thinking) that the correlations between your skin color and crime are stronger than the ones between your gender and crime. But of course, I'm no criminologist.
hedonismbot +1 -0
Eatmorekix, these people are saying you are not a good loneal. They are saying this out loud. I think you are still a neat person, and have a pretty handface
autrepoupee +0 -0
oh man all ladies on assetbar are now to be classified on a loneal-based spectrum

STARTIN' NOW
hedonismbot +0 -0
The least loneal is gladiatorrex. Pogo lies in the middle
pogo +0 -0
In the middle? You mean between Gladdie and Loneal? Hmm, quite a sandwich, but I'll have to pass.
tripleg +0 -0
don't forget that in some places women are treated as chattels
boredom_man +0 -0
Yeah, you know, this is just one of those things where you could type "gender crime rape discrimination" into Google and get lots of socioligizing from a guy who's not a suidiced cartoon cat.
autrepoupee +1 -0
i just got 'hottest gender queer crime milf rape titties discrimination adult babies on tha web'
boredom_man +0 -0
That's not hottest gender queer crime milf rape titties discrimination adult babies on tha web, that's my wife!


I'm such a fraud


This is so empty
loneal +10 -0
God fucking damn it, I leave for one month and some syncopation jackass starts in with the Oppression Olympics.

Syncopation, dear, if you think women are not subject to violence because of their gender, please fire up the Googler and look up domestic violence, rape, and sex trafficking. Also, please consider women's gross underrepresentation in government and the millions of double standards we have to live up to that men don't before you tell me that we have nothing to complain about.

Then please expand your definition of "woman" to include non-white, non-American women, especially if you're going to be preaching to us all about racial oppression. Have you looked at what Latina women earn in comparison to white men? The difference is a bit bigger than "slightly less." Have you looked at the rights Saudi Arabian women have? Hint: those rights don't include voting or driving, rights which I think racial minorities have in this country (in fact, black men could vote before white women).

The truth is that the causes and effects of prejudice and oppression are complex and interlocking. To try and compare them is an exercise in futility and stupidity.

And are you a white dude sitting on the Internet telling us all how it is to be a woman and/or a racial minority? Because I think you may have just proved your own privileged, entitled ignorance.

Has this kind of shit just been breeding and swarming since I skipped town? Maybe it would be better for my health if I did not check back on Assetbar, even once a goddamn month.
usversusthem +0 -0
Aw loneal I love you.

(I know this was probably not the intended response but still. Thank you for being a good person on assetbar. Posts like these make me in small increments feel like I don't want to not wake up next time I go to sleep. The further this goes the more depressing it gets. Blargh.)
aperson +0 -0
godDAMN - THERE IT IS. NOW WE DOIN THIS THING etc
syncopation +1 -0
I'm not going to respond to a lot of your more incendiary claims - people can sort out those things for themselves and I have a feeling I'm not going to convince you anything - but I do get the feeling you missed a large portion of my point. What I was trying to say was that being a party of a racial minority significantly raises your chances to have a lower quality of life. Gender just doesn't affect the numbers the way race does. Yes, it does impact certain aspects, such as victimhood of gender-based crimes, but it's just simply not an impact on the scale of race. As for being both, the problems are just compounded...

I realize you're sort of loved around here and that I'm probably signing my own internet death warrant by responding, but I want to make things clear. I'm not a racist or a misogynist, I just want to put things in perspective. I don't know how many people know about the Tulsa race riot (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_Race_Riots) outside of my state, but it is arguably the single most disgusting act of ignorance in the United States of the 20th century... and it's ridiculous to claim that something of that magnitude could have targeted women.
aperson +0 -0
I'm not going to respond to a lot of your more incendiary claims, except to say that you really come across as quite the hypocritical cunt.
Oh dear. My immense bravery may now result in lame-based internet death. Oh well, it's never easy being a martyr.
aperson +0 -0
(For the benefit of the non-assebarista'd, I was lashing out at syncopation there)
sje46 +0 -0
You're digging yourself to China, man.
syncopation +0 -0
I know, sadly. I'll let it die now since it stopped being about the issue and more about people bashing me personally (except the exchange between perilon and you, which were actually both good points).

Comic should be out today, so this should disappear and we can go on and read our comics in peace.
sje46 +0 -0
Can we just ..go on? How can we forget? Wh . .. what do we do now?
We live. Day by day, we will try to live our lives.
achilleselbow +5 -0
Fuck that, don't apologize. Your post was quite reasonable and well-argued, and avoided lame cliched talking points like "privileged ignorance". Apparently if you are a white dude, you have no right to have an opinion on oppression.

Loneal actually made a couple of good points that I think were somewhat in agreement with what you were trying to say (which she was too busy being outraged to notice). Because I think what you meant is that gender on its own does not adequately explain oppression. And you know what, just to stir the pot a bit, neither does race. It is ridiculous to automatically put a female CEO whose six-figure salary is only 75% of that of her male counterparts or a middle-class black guy who can attend Harvard and be elected president into the category of "oppressed minority" when there are people of all colors and genders who are living in poverty or dying of starvation.

IMO, the fundamental source of oppression is class, both on a national and global scale. You can say that race and gender are exacerbating factors that become more and more prominent among the oppressed classes, as we see with the status of women in third-world countries, or the racism that abounds in poor rural areas. But those things are part of the superstructure, not the base.

This kind of bullshit is exactly what destroyed the Left in the 60's - forgetting the primacy of class and devolving into arguments over who gets "biggest victim" status. It is a selfish bourgeois attitude that demands recognition as a 'special' group instead of working to address the root causes of oppression for everyone.
boredom_man +0 -0
Nice closing paragraph, an excellent way to describe a recurring difficulty of the Left. I think a lot of times, especially on Internet message boards, we're also suffering from a simpler problem: we don't have time to listen because we're too busy seeing how hard we can swing our dicks.
syncopation +1 -0
Brad Neely avatars, UNITE

Kidding. Anyway, I wasn't apologizing, just trying to duck out of a ridiculous argument. I THOUGHT loneal and I agreed on at least something, but, "I understood your point exactly. Your point is wrong." isn't exactly encouraging.

I'll say it very clearly here: I think both racial minorities and women have had extreme injustices done to them in the past - and continue to. It's just that one is worse than the other. One million is a very large number. It's just that one-million-and-one is still larger. You don't go to war against the other gender - that's guaranteed destruction of your tribe in a generation. But going to war against another color person? Much easier to justify. See where I'm coming from?

Anyway, the both gender and race are too entangled with class, wealth and power to be distinguished adequately for this little thought experiment - and probably irrelevant to those disparities which may be the real problem. So eh, whatcha gonna do?
perilon +1 -0
It seems to me you're speaking mainly of the US in discerning the differences between gender and race as they pertain to discrimination. Bear in mind that A) independent analyses showed that during the run-off between Hillary and Barack, it was shown that the gender issue was MORE divisive than the race issue, and B) that in much of the developing world, women are very much worse off than men and subject to sex-based discrimination, repressions and violence.
sje46 +1 -0
I believe that the gender issue is more divisive than the race issue during the primary season. A lot of people--including my sister--think that women are plain catty and will be way too emotional. And while it is true that men and women's minds are biologically different--true due to a priori stuff, and not just conditioning--they are only different due to a few things including sex drive and emotional intelligence. Besides societal conditioning, I don't see why a woman would be less rational or capable of leading a country. If women are less capable of leadership, it must be because it is not really much of an interest to a lot of women, and is perceived more as a male job. Because women should cook and clean and make pretty things.
thegoblins +0 -0
Man, all I'm going to say is you really have no idea if men and women's minds are "biologically different." There's absolutely NO way to prove that.
aperson +0 -0
Surely one can crack open peoples' skulls and poke one's finger through the gooey contents? In a scientific way, I mean.
thegoblins +0 -0
OH NO HAVE YOU FOUND THE JELLYBEANS

(He's on to us)
sje46 +0 -0
Well, I'm no expert, but men have more testoterone, which gives them a larger sex drive (right?).
boredom_man +0 -0
Testosterone is not a function of the brain, but regardless, women have higher sex drives than men. blah blah.
sje46 +0 -0
I didn't say brain, I said mind.

By mind I meant thoughts and behaviors. Testosterone affects behaviors.'I'm going to quit because I am having this same exact discussion on another webcomic forum and apparently I am an idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about, and I should just "shut up".
boredom_man +0 -0
Fair enough, "mind" rather than "brain." Anyway, I have no idea if you're an idiot or not. You're astonishingly ignorant, something which puts you in extremely broad and wide company. Still, it's not good company to be in. You want for The Kinsey Institute (hell, even the movie about its founder), [url=https://drruth.com/]Dr. Ruth , Savage Love , and, I dunno. A Vindication of the Rights of Whores . God wants us to read more than we type, which is why he gave us two eyes and ten fingers. Whatever.
sje46 +0 -0
I know I'm an idiot.
boredom_man +0 -0
Everyone is compared to someone, and there's worse roles to play than the well-educated idiot. Really, sex drives are fascinating thingees. Check 'em out.
pogo +0 -0
"Sort of loved"? Try revered, worshiped, laying down our capes in the gutter for.
boredom_man +0 -0
I was raised in Atlanta, which has experienced a notorious racial incident or two, and do know about the Tulsa Race Riots. I also know about Malleus Maleficarum . And Loneal is correct in that the problems of race and gender aren't compounded, they're intertwined (look up "otherization"). And, yeah, both of you are batshit crazy for thinking you can win an argument on teh Internet. Lots of good learnin' can be done on the Internet. It's got this thing called books, and articles. Go check 'em out.
loneal +1 -0
"What I was trying to say was that being a party of a racial minority significantly raises your chances to have a lower quality of life. Gender just doesn't affect the numbers the way race does." I understood your point exactly. Your point is wrong. You honestly think being a woman doesn't affect quality of life?

Okay. Do you carry mace in your purse so you can fend off attackers? How many times have you been groped by a stranger (my count is 3 or 4, which is much lower than most women's)? Do you feel ashamed of your body because you've been told since you were young that vaginas are creepy and the hair you grow under your arms is disgusting (though the exact same hair is of course perfectly fine for men to have)? Have you been told you're "smart for a girl" or "I could have done better if I'd tried harder" for your academic achievements? Would anyone ever say you were at fault for your own rape? Do you have to watch commercials in which the punchline is that no one would ever want to be of your gender? Do you not get hired because it is assumed you will have children? If you do have children with a partner, are you the one who gives up the career? Are you called a slut if you have sex, but a prude if you don't?

And yeah, man, nothing bad has ever happened to women on a large scale. Except, I don't know, the Juarez Murders , mass murders in Guatemala , or various other large-scale killings that are happening today, not back in 1921.

By the way, I'd be arguing the other side if someone was trying to say that women had it worse than racial minorities. Elbox, I can't believe you are accusing me of wanting "bigger victim" status, when the whole point of my post was to call that attitude out. Not to mention that you're arguing for "bigger victim" status based on class.
achilleselbow +2 -0
Did he say being a woman "doesn't affect" quality of life, or merely that it affects it far less than other things do? Being called names and not being able to have as much sex as you want without universal approval does not compare to having your day-to-day survival threatened. And the examples of mass violence that you cited are all from third-world countries (which completely supports my earlier point), while the race riots happened right here in the first world. The point about class is that it's NOT a competition for victimhood precisely because class includes women and racial minorities based on the actual conditions of their lives rather than some imagined solidarity, and because the oppressed classes of the world are not a minority, but rather a huge majority.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't pay attention to gender or race issues, but they should be kept in context and perspective because, just like you said, they are intertwined with everything else. Unfortunately people often make them the end-all-be-all of their political stance, like in the primaries, when people thought that either electing the first woman or the first black president was the most important thing in the world, even if both of them were nearly indistinguishable pro-corporate centrists and the white male Kucinich was a far more progressive candidate.

Anyway, I just thought your initial reaction and insults at syncopation were unwarranted. Unless someone actually means and says something to the effect of "women are inferior to men", how about we try holding off on calling them privileged ignorant misogynists for once?
boredom_man +0 -0
Unwarranted isn't the point; they were counterproductive. Presumably Loneal wants to persuade men to her viewpoint, unless she believes that the feminists will defeat the patriarchy with military force.

And, Loneal, you are not ignorant enough to pretend you think that "class" is separate from gender, nor are you unobservant enough to think that Achilles will fall for that. Trust me when I say this ain't flattery.

On the other hand, Achilles, you know better than most that the First and Third Worlds can't be separated. As it happens --let me crane my neck-- ah, yes, there's the site of a Juarez femicide, he says from the comfort of his U.S. home.
autrepoupee +4 -0
The way I see it, this is just me as a middle-class white woman talking--most all of the shit that is bad about being a woman, you can overcome. Some if it, such as a propensity to be attacked or assaulted, that you can't do anything about, and it's incredibly unfortunate.

I'm not ashamed of my body, though. That's an individual thing--if a person is incapable of seeing past those caddish remarks and advertisements, then that is just the way it is. If it wasn't advertisers telling them they aren't pretty enough, it would be advertisers telling them they aren't man enough. I never bought into that line of thinking, and I really get a little insulted when it is suggested that women feel bad about themselves because of some men's remarks and Revlon ads. Really? Is that all it takes to get my little-lady mind all fucked up? Of course not.

Rape, you're absolutely right on. No one would contest that a man was "asking for it" if he was violently assaulted by another man.

For what it's worth, I see a lot more commercials on television these days that revolve around a man being a slavering, oaffish manchild who needs to have his wife do everything for him. Really though, as I said earlier, anyone who's entire perception of themselves is wrapped up in advertising doesn't really deserve to feel good.

I agree that some systematic gender discrimination exists, but I don't think you can really DO anything about the rest. Women will always be judged on their physicality, but that doesn't mean anything. Whether a man wants to fuck me or not never sends my psyche into a whirl. When I see beautiful women in magazines, I don't enter into some tailspin about how I'll never be pretty enough. I'm insulted when it is suggested that I will, and I need to have certain things kept away from me, lest they destroy my ego. Trust me, they won't.

I agree with you, mostly, and I think women do have it harder than men in general. It is just that some of the particular feminist tropes seem patronizing.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Man, I would love to do a lot of hugging on you Autre. You've cleanly stated the opinions that my wife and I share about contemporary sexism in the country quite nicely. It's far, far worse in other places of course, and was truly horrific in the states as recently as 50 years ago. But now, a large part of the perceived sexism is in the eye of the beholder, and not being swayed by jackass opinions from others is not a sexism issue.

You are pretty damn smart for a damn brainless teenager
irondave +0 -0
V-chub. Perspicacious. Self-possessed. Several other positive adjectives.
zapatos +0 -0
syncopation "Gender just doesn't affect the numbers the way race does."
loneal "You honestly think being a woman doesn't affect quality of life?"

Pardon me?

Loneal I'm not trying to cut into you with my perception here, but I am treated like your down-trodden woman in the second paragraph rather often. It doesn't bother me because I have an overly inflated ego and I'm an idiot, but I do see it happening.
theguitarhero +0 -0
tl;dr on all.
zapatos +0 -0
That's what she said, when we BONED
sje46 +0 -1
I'm sorry about my insensitive women/coffee comment. The problem is that it is true. I do want to put my peepee in girls, and I know that makes me a sinner. :(
However, I do like a girl's personality--better than her body--which I like as well--and I do make sure I receive consent, the problem is NOBODY DOES.
ARG.
ARG. I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND. THATS ALL I WANT.

*cries*
falseprophet +0 -0
So loneal's going to raise a shitstorm once a month?

I ain't touchin' that one.
eatmorekix +0 -0
thank you
pogo +0 -0
Yeah, and try a book like A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini about two Afghan women caught up in the wars, and see what life is like under a burka.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Just when I was planning on putting my loneal suit on and pointing out the American-based logic here. Man I'm glad to have a pro around to point these things out. Welcome back young lady
irondave +1 -0
So good to see you come back and get the webcomic message board back onto identity politics, where it should be.
loneal +0 -0
The identity politics were started by syncopation. I was just responding. There's a little thing called the scroll button that you can use if you feel like it!
irondave +0 -0
Keep using this "scroll button" device you claim to be familiar with and go up until you get to the posts by EatMoreKix or boredom_man or potatoes9000. Your jeremiad was not a response to the originator of the topic, but to the first poor sap you deem to have insufficient standing to discuss the matter, probably another goddam white male from Oklahoma. Surely you have some other outlet for this harangue
hedonismbot +0 -0
So many Okie crackers...
irondave +0 -0
New from Scholastic, "So Many Okie Crackers" by Cornelius Bear. A journey through the Sooner State with Dippy the Snuff Tin.
hedonismbot +0 -0
"Make sure to leave the beer cozies behind, because that's just noodlin"
eatmorekix +0 -0
did you learn "jeremiad" in a vocab unit in high school? did you have to use it in a sentence?

fuck off. it's not about insufficient standing. it's about some comments that were made which some people, myself included, found highly disagreeable. i didn't bother to respond because of how rudely i was smacked down. of course i know there are more women than men, for fuck's sake. and while it was perhaps legitimate for syncopation to take offense at what i said, his extreme underestimation of sexism was enough to make any self-respecting feminist bristle. i wasn't expecting loneal to swoop in and save the day, but i don't have the energy to argue shit like this, and i certainly couldn't do it as eloquently.
irondave +3 -0
That's right, toots, you have every reason to believe I'm too stupid to know any four-syllable words.

I don't like the stupid misogynist jokes, especially, and I don't think observing that women are not a numerical minority is especially insightful. What I object to is the REPEATED drama and invective aimed at people who mean no particular offense and are just trying to have fun on a message board about a comic. Cranking up the hostility that way just encourages more crabbing about things that can be crabbed about elsewhere.
octafish +0 -0
CRAB CRAB CRAB!

zapatos +0 -0
AH FUCK THEY'RE BACK
tripleg +0 -0
loneal tells it like it is.
loneal +1 -1
Apropos.

Excerpt: "That women are so integrated on that most primal of levels probably explains why sexism is harder to see than other -isms which oppress people. If women are killed because of their sex it mostly doesn't happen in large public slaughterings but privately, one woman at a time, and in each case we wonder if the cause for the killing might not have been something personal, something unrelated to the gender of the victim. And note that while most racists don't have parents of the race they now hate, all misogynists do. -- It's all too close, too intimate, too hard to see because we lack the necessary distance, the necessary ability to see the possibly oppressed as a separate group."

And with that, I'm out. I'm going to go walk around alone at night since I don't have to fear any violence anymore, and then I'll probably go drop by the women's shelters to tell them their services are no longer needed. Oh, and then I'm going to plot against Oklahoma, which I apparently hate a lot?
achilleselbow +1 -0
I can't believe you don't see the irony in posting what you just did in the context of this argument. That women are "integrated on the most primal levels" is not simply a veil that prevents us from seeing sexism, it's a very real fact of life that explains why sexism cannot be compared to other "isms". Being "integrated" is a privilege that far from everybody enjoys. If we lack the distance to see women as a separate group it is precisely because they are not a separate group.

"...we wonder if the cause for the killing might not have been something personal, something unrelated to the gender of the victim." - Do you think this is not the case most of the time? The two are not mutually exclusive - someone's gender determines the sort of personal relation that one has to them. Or do you actually believe that there are tons of men walking around (besides a few Buffalo Bill types) who just hate women for no other reason than that they have vaginas?
syncopation +0 -0
Did some research on just a couple of things. Just statistics from the US, since they have the most readily available numbers.

First, success. Fortune 500 CEOs:
13 are run by women
14 are run by "people of color"
< here >

Demographics of state jail inmates (2001 is newest numbers):
6.6% of inmates were women
64% were non-white
< here >

Victims of violent crime:
0.229% of women sustained a violent crime against them (cf. 0.265% for males)
0.388% of non-whites sustained a violent crime
< here >

Just thought that might intrigue you guys as much as it did me. Foiled a lot of my preconceptions, at the very least.
syncopation +0 -0
Whoops, those last two number should be 2.29% and 3.88%.
loneal +0 -0
Your victims of violent crime statistics don't mean much because "woman" and "non-white" are not mutually exclusive categories. If they were split up into "white women," "women of color," and "men of color" they might mean a little more, but we wouldn't know whether the women of color were victims of violent crime because of their gender or their race (or both; racism and sexism are intersecting ideas ).

Even then, those numbers are probably still pretty useless given the extremely low percentage of women who report being raped. Depending on the way that data was gathered, the fact that conviction rates for rapes are absurdly low might also skew those numbers. And of course the reason report/conviction rates are low is because victims of rape, unlike victims of virtually any other crime, are consistently accused of lying and of contributing to their own assault. And that happens because people habitually minimize violence against women, as has been happening throughout this entire thread.
syncopation +0 -0
The Department of Justice site I was using is rather user-unfriendly, so I couldn't find the exact demographics I'd like. They tended to boil it down into "important" facts, but I couldn't find any kind of raw data in a centralized location. What I'd like to find is a version of this for victims.

I said I that the numbers were interesting , nothing more. You're right however: there is an established lean in the statistics. However, the DoJ estimates that 41.4% of all rapes are reported to police (2006). Consider that simple assault is reported only at the rate of 44.3%, and that theft is reported 31.7% of the time, and I think either you know something the Department of Justice doesn't or you've been mislead. Going by their numbers (and there is no way to know their accuracy without the victims coming forward), rape is not drastically unreported. Take that as you will.

Also, I found this while scouring the 'net. Probably says more about the test than the test takers, however. Reminds me of the oarsmen-regatta analogy that was ostensibly biased (intentional or not) against lower-class families, especially blacks. Whether it was because of an intersection of demographic set or any other number of reasons, who knows.
stereo +0 -0
The only solution is to ban straight marriage and only let gay couples have children. Then we can see the truth! All of it!
zapatos +1 -0
i was thinking, instead of voting to bring about gay marriage... why don't we just ban all of it? no more marriage, no more capitals, no more more!
autrepoupee +6 -0
I like my coffee like I like my women:
big cups, full of milk.

THANK YOU, GOODNIGHT ASSETBAR I LOVE YA
farqussus +0 -0
why can't guys go down this road? why we gotta kill them all the times. even me.
professorhazard +0 -0
I LOVE MY BIG CUPS
drskradley +0 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee:

Sweet with lots of milk, but still strong and able to wake my brain up.


See kids we can be nice.
sje46 +5 -0
I like my women how I like my coffee. With my peepee inside of it.
mattylite +2 -0
I like my women how I like my coffee. Stolen from White Castle when nobody is looking.
sje46 +0 -0
I like my women how I like my tea. Teabagged.
mattylite +0 -0
I like my tea how I like my notebook paper. Looseleaf.
mattylite +5 -0
I like my women how I like my notebook paper. Bound and ruled.
dangelder +0 -0
That is a perfect...woman!
westacular +0 -0
I like my women how I like my donuts. Old-fashioned plain.
invidious +0 -0
...and with a glazed hole.
woodjay +0 -0
...full of Bavarian creme?
rowboat +0 -0
I like my policemen and policewomen how I like my police stations and police cars.

On fucking fire.
westacular +4 -0
I like my women how I like my coffee. Dildoed.
tekende +0 -0
I like my women how I like my coffee. Hot, and...with a spoon in them...
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I like my women how I like my coffee: hot, wet, and dripping down my chin.

is that sexxy tho
pogo +0 -0
I like women who resemble McDonald's coffee: hot, black and cheap.
sje46 +0 -0
I like my coffee how I like my women:
Puerto Rican.
stereo +0 -0
Am I the only one here who doesn't like coffee?
zapatos +0 -0
I don't like it either, but I keep drinking it.
professorhazard +2 -0
Huh. Fag.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Until yesterday I couldn't stand the taste of fuckin' coffee.
pogo +0 -0
I switched to tea.
farqussus +0 -0
who come you got it wrong pogo? it's a simple formula. how come?
drskradley +0 -0
I bet you I'm the only mother fucker here whom caffeine doesn't damn well effect at all. It's an AD(H)D thing, but even then only a small percentage of peoples with the ADDs.

Three Red Bulls = nothing. Seriously.

Highly processed sugar , however....
stereo +0 -0
I get caffeine headaches but I never get a "buzz".


So it does affect me, just not positively.


I like women like I like potato chips - all dressed .
juanclaudius +0 -1
i like my women like i like my coffee. in a plastic cup.
zapatos +0 -0
Funny story here, it involved dating baristas from Starbucks. It involves my ex fiance getting a job at the Starbucks where my ex lady and ex fling and current trial work. It involves me buying a coffee, and just laughing so hard.
zapatos +2 -0
"I'll have an iced coffee please, no sweetner no room. I like my coffee like I like my women, cold and bitter. Hi Kassi, hi Natasha, hi Kristin"
daidai +0 -0
Obviously you did not drink that coffee, because you wouldn't be alive to tell the tale.
zapatos +0 -0
Women here, they do not get so violent. Also I have a... ways of getting out of trouble.
drskradley +0 -0
Is it a nuclear-powered pogo stick like The Flaming Carrot, y/n
zapatos +0 -0
y
randombeing +1 -0
Oh nooooooooooo! You are one of those persons who cannot stand to be alone.
zapatos +0 -0
Nah, it is alright most of the time.
achilleselbow +1 -0
Hey guys, I think zapatos has sex with a lot of different women!
kamet +0 -0
Bastard.
zapatos +0 -0
They keep having sex with me, I don't get much say in the matter. I really don't have much else to say do I... Maybe I'm addicted!
igotnostrings +7 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee, covered in bees!
expellens +2 -0
dried bees and peanut butter for me!
invidious +4 -0
I like my women like I like my coffee.


...anally.
plummet +0 -0
give or receive?
stereo +1 -0
I don't think Earl really cares.
sje46 +2 -0
westacular +0 -0
Thanks for saving me the trouble, my mind instantly wanted to make the same reference.
sje46 +0 -0
Saw it two nights ago, fresh in my mind.
tekende +0 -0
Me too, although I guess it was like a week ago or something.
morypcaina +0 -0
...powdered
boredom_man +0 -0
BITTER
perilon +1 -0
I once created a Facebook group to the effect of "I like my women like I like my coffee: disgusting." I think it combines my dislike of coffee, and acceptance thereof only on the condition that it contains unacceptable amounts of sugar, with the notion that I can "only" appreciate the off-putting media ideal of the female form. I think.

I think I like creating enigmatic Facebook groups.
autrepoupee +1 -0
Perilon : Portrait of a Web 2.0 rabblerouser

directed by werner herzog
sje46 +0 -0
Profound.
Link to it.
sje46 +0 -0
Let us look upon your face.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Jesus, sje, all you ever want to do these days is look at people's faces.
sje46 +0 -0
I think you have a purty face.
:]
perilon +0 -0
And what am I, chopped liver?
sje46 +0 -0
Give me a link that actually workds, and I'll tell you.
Maybe it does work, and my Facebook is weird. It just brought me to my home page.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Dude, no. Don't hit on chicks you don't actually know on the internet.
zapatos +0 -0
Dude yes, hit on them. She will come to America, find all of us... and I'm pretty sure I'm getting my head slammed in the fridge.

I am excited.
perilon +0 -0
Here is that group , since you asked.

Others of my creation APPARENTLY include "People pronounce my name right," "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who suck," and "Facebook should go back to being boring and stupid without any features."
pogo +0 -0
Link not working too good.
perilon +0 -0
If this doesn't work, then I just don't know what I'm doing. Which is pretty likely. Anyway one can just search for it. The point is I enjoy strange groups that only I ever join, and that I have mixed feelings about coffee and stereotypes.
sje46 +0 -0
Nope.
Try putting the name of the group, so we can search for it.
perilon +0 -0
Dude, sje, not to beat a dead horse, but as stated, the group is "I like my women like I like my coffee: disgusting." Search for that and you very well might come up gold. Though must say I do admire your dedication to joining my cult of personality.
sje46 +0 -0
WTF? I did try that, but it didn't work, but now it does. Quote:

I pretty much can't stand coffee and when I do have some, I usually have to dump like six spoonfuls of sugar in that shit to take away the bitter%u2026 and then it's even worse. I ain't want no aspartamey creamer, neither, nor do I want it black as bilge. The perfect coffee is like the perfect woman: an idealized mix of mass-produced flavors, presented on a TV commercial, never to be sampled in this life or the next. So it's basically, be happy with the dregs, because it's better than nothing.
perilon +0 -0
Guilty as charged, amar bhai. This is my psyche laid bare.
redphillip +0 -0
Your taste may change, but I guarantee the scotch will have a whole other flavor after you've been sitting in the cask.
choculation +0 -0
Looking at the price of single-vintage port, I have the feeling that she's bearly legal.
rowboat +0 -0
Welcome to assetbar, choculation. This will happen to you many, many more times.
sje46 +0 -0
One strip viewed.

How cute
desert_donkey +0 -2
i just got hit with a tsunami of nausea.
arcibi +0 -1
Thanks for making me picture this
skiddyfisk +0 -0
So she's either from Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, or New Mexico, depending on the time limit imposed. I'm guessing Utah, largely based on my experiences with escaped Mormon women.
lavienoir +0 -0
Man, I want states you can draw with a protractor.
nice-on-water +1 -0
Utah would take longest to draw, in my personal experience. I've clocked in at 6.75 but only because the Salt Lake's borders are a bitch (of course I draw bodies of water when I draw states under a time limit).
redphillip +0 -0
You are astonishingly skilled. We knew this already, but you keep having to demonstrate it.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Your mockery is stifling.
redphillip +1 -0
I was serious. I have great respect for skills.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Well then. Alright. Excuse me while I chub you.
redphillip +0 -0
Don't tease.
nice-on-water +0 -0
YIKES.
redphillip +0 -0
You're a skittish one, Nice. Do you know you're charming when you're nervous?
nice-on-water +2 -0
I've been told I'm Palinesque. Cute when cornered.
professorhazard +1 -0
Pew! Pew! ~_^
zapatos +0 -0
This is how I get to dance with girls at the clubs.
drskradley +0 -0
This is how I meet people on crowded trains.
sje46 +0 -0
Fruetteurism can be fun.
redphillip +0 -0
And thanks for the chubby.
schnappm +0 -0
Cornelius rhymes with celsius??
nice-on-water +0 -0
Crazy Mountain staters, heh?
daidai +3 -0
She's a stripper, remember?
octafish +0 -0
You never heard of an eye rhyme?
octafish +0 -0
Also thinking some more about it Cornelius wouldn't use Celsius, he'd be using the Kelvin scale.
expellens +0 -0
I'm pretty sure he'd use the Celsius scale. It's much more continental and you don't have to subtract 273 ever damn time.

It gets burdensome, you know?
stereo +0 -0
Rankine is a real man's temperature scale.
professorhazard +0 -0
Fools! Cornelius only diagnoses temperature by comparing it to a significant day in the past. You must infer its numerical value on your own.
ashoykh +0 -1
molly
polly

will teodor's love interest be named solly?
nice-on-water +0 -0
I wanted to mention that but I figured it would be.
lateadopter +0 -0
I'm not sure Solly is a name, but Dolly is. As is Ollie, but Teodor is effete, not gay.
hoboninja +0 -0
Penny?
octafish +0 -0
Solly, short for Solomon.
singtralala +0 -0
holly sounds more like it
nice-on-water +2 -0
Holly Beary?
hamscout +1 -0
Polly is just... Molly-on-a-pole ...
lonestar52 +0 -0
God-DAMN but Cornelius is a king among men.
lateadopter +0 -0
Ah ha! It is settled, Cornelius is not from England, exactly. Who was wondering about that last week, or the week before?
rowboat +0 -0
The discussion is as old as assetbar itself.

Let me offer my congratulations to everyone who was with me on what is now confirmed to be the correct side of that argument throughout the last year.

I don't know how we knew - we just knew.
zapatos +0 -0
I think he may have mentioned it in his blogs?
quaga +0 -0
Indeed he did!
zapatos +0 -0
This is funny to me. I'm half assing it, he's going all the way. Avatar Synergy.
autrepoupee +0 -0
we are so great, we are so smart!
s-m-r-t
gyllstromk +0 -0
I think Cornelius has more of a Frasier vibe. Strange, blue-blooded accent with a noticeable British affect.
magreaux_dogg +0 -0
How do you spell "carburetor" with an extra "t?"
fineoakstructure +0 -0
carburetort

It's french; the second "t" is silent.
lechatbotte +0 -0
Unfortunately, the carburetort isn't.
pogo +0 -0
carburettor
maximus +0 -0
Told my girl I just had to forget her,
Rather buy me a new cartburettor,
So she made tracks sayin' this is the end now,
Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now,

/ouch
dwodles +0 -0
The facial expressions are spot on. Well done, Onstad.
baryonyx +1 -0
Oh...oh my god.

Never in my life have I wanted a slogan t-shirt more than one that reads "Screw the Whales. Save the Gentlemen."
daidai +11 -0
EVERYONE would think you were either gay, a pompous asshole, or both.

Unless of course, the T-Shirts included this picture.

tekende +0 -0
WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS
daidai +2 -0
I just found a photograph of a monocle and a top hat, then drew a whale behind it in MS Paint.

...yup. That's what happened.
expellens +0 -0
That monocle whale is getting so screwed .
tekende +0 -0
Oh man nice. Great work.
sje46 +1 -0
It would be so cute if you drew the hat on top of the blowhole so that it was up in the air.
autrepoupee +0 -0
oh my god sje you get cute

lets start a joint blog about things that make you go "aww"
also a blog about joints
achilleselbow +0 -0
This might be the first time I've seen "cute" and "blowhole" in the same sentence. I say this only tentatively.
tekende +1 -0
"Dad, what's the blowhole for?"

"I'll tell you when you're older, son. And then you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
sje46 +0 -0
No. Please don't quote Family Guy. You can quote The Simpons, Futurama, South Park, Aqua Teen, whatever, but not Family Guy. It does not feel right.
I don't hate the show. But still.
professorhazard +0 -0
I like Family Guy, but banned-from-Sea-World jokes have been around since I was in high school. So that segment, like 50% of FG's content, was hit-or-miss.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Aww, Assetbar Philippe, are you mad because they made fun of Dane Cook?

Someone else quoted Family Guy on this strip, and everyone found it hilarious before they realized it was from Family Guy.
sje46 +0 -0
I didn't even see that episode.
In fact, I stopped watching Family Guy, or really any television. I only watch South Park and the Office on occasion.
I don't hate family Guy. I just . . .moved on.
theguitarhero +0 -0
how do you only watch The Office on occasion? do you...have no soul?
sje46 +0 -0
I'm sorry.
:(
I put off watching it online. I am like three episodes behind now.
theguitarhero +0 -0
You didn't answer my question. do you have a soul?!
sje46 +0 -0
I'm building a respectable collection, yes.
gormster +0 -0
Oh god, you're one of them . The people who say things like "You haven't watched every single episode of Arrested Development? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT SHOW IS OVERRATED I WILL KILL YOU"
autrepoupee +0 -0
ARE YOU SAYING ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS OVERRATED BECAUSE I WILL KILL YOU IRL

YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME
YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKIN GAME
ARFARFARF
-dmx
sje46 +0 -0
They will cut you.
theguitarhero +0 -0
HAHAHA. No I'm not saying anything like that, I'm just saying that The Office is like Pringles, I just don't understand how you can watch ONE episode and be like "Ya know? I'm good."
sje46 +0 -0
It is still one of my favorite shows. I just don't watch much TV anymore.

I go on Assetbar instead.
falseprophet +1 -0
Assetbar: My Anti- Drug
zapatos +0 -0
This one time I opened a bag of lays, ate a chip, and threw the remainder into the garbage. I said, "FUCK YOU LAYS" and left.
woodjay +0 -0
I can see it now, porygon chasing down gormster in the staircar, "the final countdown" by europe blaring on the sterio, all of a sudden a man with one arm raises his one thumb in approval, tonight it is okay to teach someone a lesson.
farqussus +0 -0
don't tell me my business, devil woman!
baryonyx +0 -0
...or maybe they'll think I'm a lonesome, well-mannered fellow?

I mean...y'know...maybe...
redphillip +0 -0
I'd buy and wear a shirt like that. Since I'm both gay and pompous, I won't worry about anyone making incorrect assumptions. I'd like to think I'm not an asshole, but that may just be denial on my part.

Not to say daidai's awesome creation isn't wonderful. Having just the now-immortal expression alone will allow for more comments like, "We'll sort that sentence out when I return." I'll know when I run into someone who can respond this way I have found a true partner.
zapatos +0 -0
Hi five for roosters! Not Hi5, but like, the slapping of hands to make us feel great.
redphillip +1 -0
Please teach me, zapatos, what is Hi5 as opposed to the hand-slapping thing?

If I want to make us feel great, I prefer slapping other than hands.
woodjay +0 -0
in this case, 5 is an alternative to the roman V, in reference to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus
woodjay +0 -0
I recall an IMDB debate along this same line where someone stated that American History IX was actually the best in the series. And how Slaughterhouse 5 was good, but could be a bit confusing if you were new to the Slaughterhouse series.
theguitarhero +1 -1
Slaughterhouse 5 is one of the worst books ever and I'm fully convinced Kurt Vonnegut is an insanely elaborate hidden camera prank on hipsters.

Oh my fucking god, the vitriol I have towards his writing.
woodjay +0 -0
damn, I keep accidentally chubing tonight when I mean to reply.

anyways, Kurt was a POW and that means that he can never be criticized. Ever!

I rather liked Timequake, so maybe we will have to agree to disagree.

Poo-Ta-weet
zapatos +0 -0
Timequake was complete shit.

Sorry, I hate myself, but it sucked.
woodjay +0 -0
Ya know, I've always wanted to hear Chinese temple bells...
autrepoupee +0 -0
what are you saying theguitarhero just what are you saying to us right here, right now

He is one of the only good things my state has produced, how could you take that away from us, HOW
theguitarhero +0 -0
I'm just saying the dude sucks at writing. Like I can sit there and ramble on for 200 pages about bullshit nothing, does that make me a good sci fi writer?

I've only read Cat's Cradle and like 20 pages of Slaughterhouse. After Cat's I was like "I will give him a chance" but after going through basically the same bullshit in S5 I was just like FUCK THIS SHIT. Sorry we have different opinions.

YOU CAN'T OUTMAVERICK THE MAVERICK.
autrepoupee +0 -0
;__( maybe you should try Breakfast of Champions? or maybe you just don't like him. I've never much qualified him as a science fiction author, so if you were going in expecting that, you may be disappointed. He's more general fiction, I'd say.
theguitarhero +1 -0
yeah but even in that aspect it's just too...insane incoherent rambly?. the only reason I gave him that classifier was because that's what others give him, the sci fi tag, you know?
autrepoupee +0 -0
Man, if you think Vonnegut is rambling and incoherent, I think upon reading any of his books, you would just dig up William S. Burroughs and just kick him square in the temple. Don't even get me started on what you'd do to Pierre Guyotat.

Terrible, awful things. Things even he would've never thought of. Oh, the things you'd do!

It is okay not to like Vonnegut, I'm just surprised because so far the Venn diagram of Achewood readers vs. Vonnegut enthusiasts has pretty much been a perfect circle.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Like other authors rambling is ok (I mentioned my love affair with Catcher in the Rye in a previous comment page, which is also rambling) but it's just pure insanity for the sake of it almost.
sje46 +0 -0
You . . .hate . .. Slaughterhouse.

What?
The rambling is the point. The schizophrenic prose is what makes it fun. It's, like .. . .I . . .
I am at a loss for words, sir.
theguitarhero +0 -0
I kinda understand but still I just didn't like it. I like Crying of Lot 49 which is kinda similar in that prose.

I just DON'T like Vonnegut's style.
woodjay +0 -0
I personally approach his stuff as though it were a collection of short stories and anecdotes surrounding an event or theme. On the note of science fiction, there are definitely elements of it, using the bizarre to draw parallels to dissociation brought on by war, post-industrial culture, etc... i've seen the term "science fiction minus the science"
sje46 +0 -0
That is how I read it too, and how it should be read. That is why I like him so much.
maximus +0 -0
he is mark twain without a soul
woodjay +0 -0
A Killgore Trout needs to be a real fish, we have any ichthyologists in the house?
theguitarhero +0 -0
That's what they should change the name of the fish that can swim into your urethrae to.
thegoblins +0 -0
WHAT IS THAT EVEN REAL
woodjay +0 -0
Kilgore Trout is a fictional author in Vonnegut's books,but it would also be the most awesome member of salmondae.
thegoblins +0 -0
I knew that already. I still want the urethra fish thing to be true.
zapatos +0 -0
They are less a fish, and more a parasite?

I'd wiki it, but I'm actually busy at work.
thegoblins +0 -0
Whoah, it is true, literally!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urethra_Fish#Parasitism

Today, I have learned.
zapatos +0 -0
You need to learn something new everyday, or else your parents won't love you anymore! Today I learned that they never did anyway.
sje46 +0 -0
Yeah, I learned about it on TV. You only have to worry about it while urinating in the Amazon.

Seriously, make sure that your thing is above the water when you urinate in the Amazon.
thegoblins +0 -0
My parents will love me if I become a doctor! This is why I need to know about urethra fish. I will tell them now.
maximus +0 -0
you are almost right
pogo +0 -0
Well he's dead now so who cares what you think of his books?
stereo +0 -0
What if his peephole opens again and he finds people talking about him?

Disappointment.
zapatos +0 -0
I meant after. There is nothing like slapping five after slapping ass.

I should probably come out and say it, I'm not gay. I just like to play around. All the time.
redphillip +0 -0
I have to problems with straight guys who like to play around, and occasionally find themselves playing hard and sweaty in the boys' room. More fun all around as far as I'm concerned. If you've got to label it, call it 'curious' or 'adventuresome'.
zapatos +0 -0
When people ask me for my stereotype I usually reply with my proper name. If they don't understand, I don't mind.

You have two prollems with boys, or no problems?
redphillip +0 -0
*No* problems, etc. Sometimes I types sloppy.
zapatos +0 -0
In that case, let's wrestle!
behka +1 -0
i like her. i like her a lot.
gladi8orrex +4 -1
ma ebil desires. dey invade ma mind
agents ma skulls deh grind
i cna no longeh contarl ma urges
closeh an closeh 2 realizetian dem cum
i loose contrall, ma ands go num
as ma ebil fantassys an reality merges

it colmes 2 me in dem song
dem das, short, dem nights. long
as i aw8, the monents nigh
i no ebelctly wat i'm gno do
i'll'ill kill u
u will die

dis is and pome abot deh fraggility ob deh web o mans cumfarts. is and intristan tak on subjict

an nah i leab u wit and qote as ti sums up ma thots perflictly

"faer porfits mon nuffink" -- deh vikin dat culd hab kilt deh redhead at wil. but y deh edecption? edceptian woz deh ole pont. anwan can measure stnrg, but nah ee muss calculat wat ee dun noes. wat ee cunt c...
daidai +2 -0
gladi8orrex +1 -1
:) my soul is hapy
octafish +9 -1
My Emerril desire, day invades my mother's mind
Agents of the Skrull they grind (skate? coffee?)
I am a Certified Nursing Assistant no longer, control my urges
Closer and closer two rastafarians ejaculate
I lose my contrail, mother. Andy goes Numerically
As mother's Emerril fanta and reality merges

It clones two of me in "Redemption songs"
The "Das Boot" shorts, The knights long (longing)
ABIT AW8 motherboard, the Monet's night?
I know Ankor Wat, I'm a gnome
Ill, ill, kill the letter U
The letter U will die

This is a poem about Fraggle Rock on the web, and cumquats. It is a Pakistani take on the subject.
rowboat +0 -0
As far as I'm concerned, you just put that guy out of business.
notcool +0 -0
Octafish, I am minting a new award in your honor (honour? Harrington?)

It shall be call the GLADI8ORREX AWARD.

You are the first recipient. Good on you.
gladi8orrex +0 -0
;p; retrad spelteded angkor wat ankor wat wat and n00b 2 spel
thegoblins +0 -0
octafish +0 -0
I... I'm intrigued...
octafish +0 -0
touche
mista_b +0 -0
If this is not a five, then nothing is.
aeater +0 -0
Morning mnemonic exercise routines.

What is this book that Onstad is working on, due in May?
tekende +1 -0
A book that I liked
octafish +0 -0
A book you liked that was... so cash?
tekende +0 -0
Shit was so cash.
metatronatra +0 -0
Like Cornelius, I never allow my utensils to exchange hands. That is raw.
falseprophet +1 -0
Through the hush of air a voice sang to them, low, not rain, not leaves in murmur, like no voice of strings or reeds or whatdoyoucallthem dulcimers touching their still ears with words, still hearts of their each his remembered lives. Good, good to hear: sorrow from them each seemed to from both depart when first they heard. When first they saw, lost Richie Poldy, mercy of beauty, heard from a person wouldn't expect it in the least, her first merciful lovesoft oftloved word.

Love that is singing: love's old sweet song.
falseprophet +3 -0
See, I thought this would work better to celebrate the newfound love but now that I look at it I realize this scene is about the death of Bloom's friend.

A Lesson Is Learn'd: You do not Ctrl F Ulysses .
sje46 +0 -0
I love Joyce. The funeral chapter, you say?

Dang, I may try to read that book a 4th time.
falseprophet +2 -0
Okay you basically just committed the literary equivalent of claiming to have gotten awkward head in an airport.

Thin ice, Assetbar Philippe. Thin ice.
monstermovie +0 -0
i don't know, onstad. i don't know. but maybe?
achilleselbow +0 -0
I love this strip, but you have to admit it's a bit of wishful thinking along the lines of the Dostoyevskian "fallen woman". If you told a real-life stripper that you listen to Sibelius she'd probably ask if that was a new Coldplay album.

Also, my ex's name was Polly, but she was not a stripper.
mattylite +3 -0
I met a stripper who would only strip to the stultifying compositions of Edward Grieg.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Hall of the Mountain King would make for a suspenseful strip.

...dum dum dum dum da da dum, da da dum, da da dum...
achilleselbow +0 -0
Man that would be terrible. I'd be expecting her to have something terrifying under her bra.
nice-on-water +0 -0
You could always Gomorrah her.
jeffspaulding +0 -0
Or an "M" on her back.
nice-on-water +0 -0
Did someone call me Schnorner?
smilebuddha +0 -0
Well, I must be going...
nice-on-water +0 -0
SHIT I meant Shnorrer. Thanks for the back up.
wozzeck +0 -0
I would much prefer Procession of the Sardar.
wozzeck +0 -0
Probably, yes. There are exceptions, however. Oh, how there are exceptions...
fuyukodachi +2 -0
Well, it took me basically forever to figure out he was referring to Cottonelle, despite its exclusive use in my own bathroom.

mista_b +4 -0
You... you wipe your ass with puppies? Are you Lyle?
octafish +2 -0
...fuyukodachi asked the puppy "Hey puppy do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" the puppy replied "No." so fuyukodachi wiped his arse with it.
fuyukodachi +0 -0
They're so soft and absorbent.
modality +2 -0
swab your buttocks with great double-handfuls of dogs
redphillip +0 -0
The best possible use for a Bichon Frisee. (I call them Bitchin' Frizzies. Hideous miscegenated creatures.)
catgrl131 +1 -0
I bet they're waking up after a night of engaging in Connielingus.

[url]instantrimshot.com[/url]
octafish +0 -0
Heyo!
invidious +1 -0
instantrimjob.com?


dzieger +4 -0
Chubbied for the link. I'm keeping that page open in a background tab 24-7 so I can get to it whenever I need it. Which is often.

Or, come to think of it, I could widgetize it and keep it on my desktop. Then, I'll find a way to integrate it into Twitter, and also turn it into a Firefox extension.

Then, I'll get sued by Scott Carver , who created instantrimshot.com. My applications will be removed from the Internet in wake of a cease and desist order. A landmark intellectual property battle will ensue which will decide once and for all whether a crude, stock-art button and an anonymous 4Kb clip of three drum hits can qualify as "intellectual property."

It will be determined that I infringed on Carver's copyright by using the name "Instant Rimshot," and I will ordered to pay an undisclosed sum (equal to an estimate of his lost AdWords income during the time my appliations were available) in damages.

One week later, they will reappear, newly christened "Rimshot On Demand." No one will care.

Or, I could create those little applications and donate them to Carver, and establish my rep as a creator of pointless little applications without rancor.

Alternately, these applications may already exist, rendering all of this speculation an even more pathetic waste of keystrokes than it already is.

In conclusion: I need a life. And some sleep. And therapy.

Thank you and good night.
professorhazard +1 -0
This tale drew me in, put me to bed and tucked me in

5/5, better than "Cats", would read it again and again
autrepoupee +0 -0
Just as an aside, I'd be totally uncool with someone just grabbing something out of my hand like lint from a jacket. I don't get into the English headmaster stuff, Cornelius. I guess it'll never be...
sje46 +1 -0
*Puts finger to her mouth, shutting her up*
Be quiet, dear autrepoopee. Let our bodies do the talking.
autrepoupee +0 -0
rap my knuckles and we've got a deal
aperson +1 -0
sje does not realise that autre intends to conduct this conversation in the language of karate.
sje46 +0 -0
THAT IS HOW WE EXPRESS OUR LOVE, OKAY?!?!
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
THAT WAS AN ACT OF LOVE YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL!
professorhazard +0 -0
Smoking Mr Gary's pole is so beautiful
hedonismbot +0 -0
Don't move dear, you have something on your chin
heccibiggs +0 -0
A comment left by heccibiggs was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by meddle, KaMeT, Tad-, farqussus)
achilleselbow +0 -0
Or you could just not smoke...
zapatos +0 -0
I'm trying that option, it is so very difficult.
autrepoupee +0 -0
three lames, cheese and crackers.

We've got some real rolled cigarette enthusiasts on Assetbar, I reckon. Or Marlboro Light unenthusiasts.
sje46 +0 -0
Marlboro lights killed my father, and raped my mother!
Oh no I am a hypocrite.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Strange, they did the opposite to my parents
drskradley +0 -0
I don't have parents and they did both to me.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Jesus Christ. Rolling elitists are fucking everywhere.
falseprophet +0 -0
You might even say they're rollin on dubs.

Holla back whoopty whoo nigga whaaaaat?
hedonismbot +2 -0
They saw you rolling, and now they are hating
reverendtmac +0 -0
Sure it ain't some passive-aggressive bullshit regarding how they think you shouldn't smoke?

(not that I smoke, mind you, but I'm delighted to fire a wad of chaw juice onto your shoes if you give me any shit about that...)
randyleepublic +0 -0
A comment left by randyleepublic was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by johnnybaverage, professorhazard, Ravigotte, eidolem)
professorhazard +0 -0
Oh, shut up.
randyleepublic +0 -0
Yeah, yeah, I know. That's exactly how I felt reading the other like comments.

Besides, what's the point? None, I can discern.

Sorry.
professorhazard +0 -0
No offense, but your post actually read like someone ironically trying to sound like people that irritate them. I wasn't sure until now that it wasn't a performance art piece!

It's not too late to claim that it was a performance art piece.
pogo +0 -0
Yeah, well, the projectile laughing still happens to me, maybe not as often, but then we've all been through so many strips. Often now the unbearable comments are what rip me up. It's all good.
sje46 +0 -1
I haven't laughed since my Dad left us six years ago.
:(
zapatos +0 -0
Maybe he was bored? Maybe he found a rocketship in his friend's back yard? Maybe I'm just too scared to come home.
sje46 +0 -0
Do I now have a third Daddy?
zapatos +0 -0
lol u hav 3 dadz?

Give me their numbers, we're going out for beers. After that its going to be a night.
redphillip +0 -0
You and Le Chat are going to have to submit to paternity testing, lest we must divide sje in twain.
sje46 +0 -0
I think I had a third one though, although I can't remember who. Hedonismbot, maybe?
kamet +0 -0
I'm pretty sure I fucked your mom...
sje46 +0 -0
Is it you I am talking about?
hedonismbot +0 -0
No. I was there when she porked your moms. The way she did it couldn't possibly have made her preggo. Good technique by the way, kamet
kamet +0 -0
Ride'm hard, leave'm dry my friend.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Tell your mom I'll send that check as soon as she stops calling me
randyleepublic +0 -0
The "so many strips" part is clearly not a factor. I didn't revert to a 2005 era Randy and then read them; I merely read some earlier strips with the same Achewood besotted mind that I now read the news. Only the result was different.
drmemory +0 -0
Well, I happen to think neoprene cozies are a pretty good use of technology, although I use them only for sodapop.
octafish +1 -0
Here (16 hours into the future and below the equator) a cozie is short for swimming costume, so you would put your cozies on to go for a swim. The drink holders are called stubby holders because that is the most popular vessel for beer to be sold in. Here is a stubby, it hold 375ml of beer.
farqussus +0 -0
I think the pronunciation might differ, as in cozy (long o, evoking a feeling of snugness) and cozzie (short for costume).
professorhazard +0 -0
In the American south, those beer-snugglers are called "coozies", which is a third pronunskiation and entirely more evocative of trim.
hamscout +0 -0
Tell me, Randy--when you said you were going cruizin' for cooz' , did you mean you were on a quest for a tasty beverage, or for some female companionship?

[toothless grin] Yes! [/toothless grin]
farqussus +0 -0
also it is a bit much calling that beer. Is that dust or mist on the neck of that stubby?
octafish +0 -0
...mist of course, as our late emperor John Mellion once said, [url=www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wfgi9hGx1o]"A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer, and the best cold beer is Vic, Victoria Bitter".[/url]

p.s. I stole that pic from wikipedia.

p.p.s. I'm on dial-up at the mo' so I can't be sure but I really hope that is the version of the ad with "you can get it lending a hand" I linked to.
octafish +0 -0
I can't for life of me see where I went wrong. https://au.youtube.com/watch?v=4wfgi9hGx1o maybe that will work?
heccibiggs +0 -0
You needed the https:// in the code, brah.
sje46 +0 -0
What is this odd prefix in front of "youtube"?
hedonismbot +0 -0
Astronomical Units
sje46 +1 -0
I thought it was Youtube: Golden Edition.
farqussus +0 -0
it is. everything (except VB) from AUstralia is golden.
drskradley +0 -0
Melbourne Bitter and Crownies are shit, too. And Fosters is Australian?
farqussus +0 -0
vaguely. I refuse to count a beer not readily available on tap in it's own country.
zapatos +0 -0
Fuck I love beer. When you said stubby I had a lurch in stomache, when I saw the picture my salival glands roared. I am at work, I cannot drink for another seven hours.
zapatos +0 -0
now i've ridden Bicycle to the bar, had a grimburgen, ridden home and am about to enjoy a filet of Swai some pasta and a few glasses of Chardonney. Ah yes.
farqussus +0 -0
all this time i did not know you were a lady.
zapatos +0 -0
I am the finest of ladies.
drskradley +0 -0
I seriously don't know what the fuck you just consumed. Swai? What the crap-hat is that?
zapatos +0 -0
Some kind of vietnamese catfish my roomate bought. Also I am very much in love with your avatar, I so wish Ledger did not leave the world.
gormster +0 -0
You can't drink at work? Dude. Working nights FTW.
zapatos +0 -0
Gold Mine, heavy machinery, I'm on the verge of passing as it is.
kamet +0 -0
Is the future far more futuristic than we thought?
aperson +6 -0
Ah. Puns.
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
.
...Hmmm. Puns.
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
scroll
.
 Oh finally! Song lyrics.
glipquux +0 -0
hm yes, this is what i've been waiting for... meta commentary... perfect
theguitarhero +0 -0
This comic has been up for less than a day and already people are frustrated at the comments.

Not to be rude, but you aren't PAYING for the privilege to post comments. If you were I would understand stuff like pogo's angry rant yesterday or daidai's hatred of puns. But you aren't.

Not that I'm saying that that's what aperson is trying to get across, some type of deep seated hatred of everyone here, this is just something that ways heavily on my mind.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Fuck my life, WEIGHS not WAYS.

Off to go slit my wrists, brb.
aperson +0 -0
Okay I'll try and explain.

BEAR with me...

It was just a lighthearted commentary on the assetbar-of-the-last-couple-of-days.

(PS: I vehemently hate everyone who posts on assetbar with every wretched quark of my rage-drenched being)
sje46 +0 -1
Really? I like you.
=)
aperson +0 -0
You're growin on me, kid.
tekende +0 -0
Shit, he didn't come back. You don't think he really...no. Did he?
pogo +0 -0
He made the shallow cuts across the wrists, rather than the deep cuts parallel to the wrist that really kill you.
theguitarhero +0 -0
Sorry guys I had class.

aperson: yeah I knew that you were being facetious, but it brought up some stuff I was thinking about last night.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Remember kids, it's not across the street, it's through the eyes and into the pre-frontal cortex
stereo +0 -0
Through the thighs, into the pre-femoral common
redphillip +0 -0
Ooo! Tingly!
pogo +0 -0
We pay with our good names and reputations on the Innernets, buddy, we pay plenty for our rants! Have him flogged!
overman +0 -0
Usually when I go to sleep with strippers they never wake up
gladi8orrex +0 -0
dune gots work m8
pogo +0 -0
What? 340 comments already? I just got here!
zapatos +0 -0
We are busy people down at the ole Assetbar.
talix18 +0 -0
I miss the Parallel Corral.
bizarro8mybaby +0 -0
so worth the wait
pityparty +0 -0
If I ever lay in bed together with a stripper who gives a damn about me knowing what tonneau cover was, I'd finally be happy...
pityparty +1 -0
*laid. goddamnit.
aperson +0 -0
Just explain that damn picture.
woodjay +1 -0
I think it's from Italian spiderman?
woodjay +4 -0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhHhXukovMU
hamscout +0 -0
...aand, a chubby for pityparty for having this avataricon,
and a chubby to woodjay for locating this glorious thing.
May your sacks swell with chuppies this Hallows Eve!
aperson +0 -0
Indeed. God bless 'em, one and... both.
sje46 +0 -1
Is that for the new Grindhouse?
woodjay +0 -0
Goblin!
hamscout +0 -0
Punch Punch! Run Run!
desert_donkey +0 -0
A comment left by desert_donkey was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by professorhazard, sje46, wotown)
achilleselbow +0 -1
I can't wait for Loneal to reply to this.
desert_donkey +0 -0
A comment left by desert_donkey was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by KaMeT, tripleG, sje46)
zapatos +0 -0
Pretty Woman was a terrible movie, julia roberts isn't even attractive.
achilleselbow +1 -0
Chill, brah. Somewhere on this page I said something along the same lines as you, though in a much more understated way. The "hooker with a heart of gold" is an archetype that goes back to the ancient courtesans and runs through Baudelaire, Dostoyevsky, etc., all the way up to Sin City. Entirely fictional at this point, true, but even more interesting for what it reveals - perhaps a desperate need to cloak our base desires in noble sentiments? So if you're a fairly educated dude sitting in a nudie bar and feeling kind of ashamed for being there, you can comfort yourself with the idea that one of these strippers is maybe a wonderful, free-spirited, but troubled girl who dropped out of art school and is sick of dealing with all the drunken louts that come in while she waits unrealistically for someone like you to come and talk to her about Proust and try to take her away from this place - an offer which she, having been hurt too many times before, will at first refuse but eventually give in to when she is overpowered by her strange attraction to you - so much stronger than she could have ever dreamed during all those wasted years and forgettable flings! - and the two of you will get a nice loft in Bushwick and live a happy life where you help each other fulfill your mutual dreams, you by convincing her to finish her art degree, she by finally giving you the inspiration and confidence you need to finish your dissertation...

But really, you just want to look at their tits.
desert_donkey +0 -0
whores and strippers are NEVER understated. remember that. IT DOESN'T PAY.
;) ;)
thegoblins +0 -1
DON'T MAKE ME GIVE YOU ANOTHER KITTEN PICTURE
zapatos +1 -0
Strippers are very respectable people, and they only do what they do to make our days less terrible. They only grind on your crotch because they like it and you like it, not to make their X's jealous. Never that.

They would never try to guilt you into staying in a relationship with you, even after they went on a rant about how they stalk their X to get child support. Not even after she yelled at your for being "paranoid" about wearing a condom. Not even after you caught her poking holes in your rubber.

They are just women, trying to pay for their son's next birthday coke. Cake, sorry. They don't do coke.
achilleselbow +0 -0
That was beautiful.
zapatos +0 -0
We just broke up like, last week. Of course by "we" I mean "I" and by "broke up" I mean "deleted my number out of her phone, made heavy sexist to our waitress throughout dinner, begged for anal, then got in my car and left."

I'm glad you enjoyed my above cynicism, you are beautiful.
ham_shoes +0 -0
This strip is just too sickly sweet. Sorry, folks.
cromar +0 -0
I like this one (5'd it). The last few have... have not tickled my fancy too much.
puguglypress +0 -0
Polly was the price that we paid to get this strip.
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0
meww +0 -0