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Beef's Stationery Issues Thursday, April 24, 2008 • read strip Viewing 945 comments:
hedonismbot +0 -0
A comment left by hedonismbot was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, glorify, theoneyouwant, rascaldom, mania3, pquinn87, morbo)
tekende +4 -1
I am in Oklahoma too, and I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
hedonismbot +0 -0
A comment left by hedonismbot was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, theoneyouwant, mania3, pquinn87)
bourbonsamurai +43 -1
There is a child in one of my classes named Dijonnaise. When one condiment in your child's name won't do...
norrin +3 -0
Some people we know named their kid Danarea. It's pronounced something like(den area), but we always pronopunced it more like ghonerea. Those same people named their other kids Starria, which isn't as bad but still stupid.
pogo +13 -0
These are my sons, Snafu and Fubar.
spectre +15 -0
Get more reliable method of birth control, dude.
biff +10 -0
`Got a couple here, coming from northeastern Oklahoma:

Went to junior high school with Flint Sparks.

My step kids went to a low-income elementary school. They were putting together a yearbook. The woman was ridiculing the name of one of the little girls:

"Shomorrow? Shomorrow? Why didn't they just name her Tomorrow?"
The funniest part? [i[Her[/i] daughter was named Shamerica.
solobuttons +38 -0
Best one I've heard yet: twin sisters. Sharon and... Notsharon.

Yes it is real. This is Australia.
professorhazard +7 -1
Wait, now that one is just utilitarian. That's fine.
hassanoleary +26 -0
I have the feeling Notsharon developed a wicked inferiority complex.
synapse +10 -0
Where I go to medical school (somewhere on the atlantic coast), the pediatric residents keep a running list of actual names of patients that come through the hospital. It probably violates some sort of HIPAA rule to even keep the list, but there are some hilarious-ass names on there, all of them real patients. There is a pair of identical twins named Kenya and Kanye, Eileen Down, Queef, and my personal favorite, Steele Darke Cannon. All of these are real patients. I'll have to take another look at the list next time I'm in the residents workroom.
invidious +4 -0
Yeah, there's HIPAA violations all over the place there, but sometimes you just gotta make sacrifices in the name of comedy.
tragicone +3 -0
Steele Darke Cannon? Two things. Why not go for the whole kit and kaboodle and go with cannone? and I bet these two met in a basement.
ethelthefrog +2 -0
A friend of mine used to have a couple of cats named Stripe and No-stripe. But at least they were cats, not human children who have to go to elementary school.
heccibiggs +1 -0
And also go to everywhere else for the rest of their lives. She'll still be called Notsharon in High School, and in college, and when she gets a job. It will still be Notsharon on her gravestone.

These names to be sound like Newspeak. Like "good, ungood". I mean, Notsharon doesn't even sound like a name!! It just sounds like "Not Sharon"!

(Also this is like the funniest thing I've ever heard.)
chuvak +0 -1
The only funny thing I ever read in Garfield (paraphrasing): What were the cats' names? Cat, cat and cat. Why? What's the use of naming something that doesn't come when you call it?"

LASAGNA!!!!!!!!
chuvak +1 -1
St. Louis MO USA - children born to an unimaginative woman who named them after the food she was served in the hospital: Oranjello and Limonjello.

No shit.
tragicone +0 -0
A dark skinned fellow I know claims that his mother is a friend of this woman who named her children such.
mattylite +0 -0
Whoa, man, I've heard about them. They go to the library where some of my friends work! Holy shit!
drskradley +0 -0
I heard of a Vietnamese expat who, to either remind her kids where they came from or because she was hella proud, named her children "Viet" and "Nam".

I doubt it's a cultural thing, going by the amount of Vietnamese-stock people I know without such names. Lots of "Thanh Nguyen's" though. I mean, get some originality.
alreadyinuse +4 -1
Actually I knew a guy named Nam once, and he was from Vietnam. I thought it was a gratuitously eponymous name given him by his adoptive family (who were French,) until I learned that it's apparently a very common name in Vietnam. I can't recall but it may have some meaning unrelated to the name of the place, or the name of the place simply is expounding on the meaning, or some such.. I forget.. you know.. I can't keep any of that stuff straight, what with it being all ching chong wing wong and such.
mangecoeur +1 -0
In elementary school, a vietnamese friend of mine's name was simply Vietnam.
evolume +0 -0
An American born Malaysian friend of mine has parents who couldn't spell "Ophelia" so her birth certificate says "Orfelia."
lawbot +0 -0
Isn't Orfelia a name in spanish?
i_love_kate +0 -0
Ofelia is the Hispanic spelling of Ophelia, but I'm not sure about Orfelia. That reads like a whole different pronunciation to me.
boheeka +2 -0
I clearly remember my high school latin textbook having twins named Loquax and Antiloquax.
robbingdog +0 -1
Ohhhh shit
boheeka +0 -0
I also remember Magistra saying that this was pretty common practice when twins were born.
evolume +0 -0
I was at the mall and a guy was calling to one of his twin sons. "Hunter! Hunter!" I have a few guesses what the other twin was called but i can't confirm them.
paperboy_2000 +0 -0
DeeDee?
mercuri0us +2 -0
Gatherer, Prey...
satyr +1 -0
I really, really hope it's "Prey". That's a good, solid name.
lk +0 -0
i actually heard about that from a friend, i was shocked to hear someone speaking about it on the wide world of web. But yes, does say something about Australian culture
doublebatman +1 -0
I saw two girls within 15 minutes that worked at an amusement park named "Unique," which just cuts right straight to the heart of the matter.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Wait a minute, guys, I don't want to get into some sort of "funny names" contest, ok? We should just drop this now.
king_duncan +0 -0
Too late.

Had a job once typing up people's old sick leave reports, and found the name "Tiara Slaughter". that must have been some terrible prom.
mikeronomicon +1 -0
I went to high school with a girl named Rose Slaughter. We told her she should be a doctor.
satyr +0 -0
I first read that as; "that must have been some terrible porn". Probably my mind had decided that it was a very pornstarry name, and absorbed the text accordingly. And yes, I do realise no one reads this far back. But then, who am I talking to now?
mercuri0us +0 -0
Me.
ford +0 -0
I have no clue where in the list this post will pop up, but it is relevant to the discussion:

Ford is my real first name, and my three little sisters are named, in order, Neva, Raven and Morgrianna.
tragicone +0 -0
Aweosome names. The whole lot.
lyzz +0 -0
Please tell me your last name is Prefect.
dapooka +11 -0
Don't make me get out the 'worst-named-person-you-actually-met' contest trophies.

I'll just list the first two and save the worst (best?) for the heavy artillery, since I know someone will think they have the winner.

Abracadabra and her older sister Sachet Potpourri.
steev_dayv +37 -0
Just for the sake of hearing your trump names, I will tell you the worst I have heard. I met a girl who changed her name to Janet because her parents apparently didn't know what a Clitoris is but thought it sounded beautiful.
tekende +28 -0
LOVE THEM

MOIST
zedpower +1 -0
My neighbor's kid is named Anakin.

Seriously, need I say more?
philipmarschall +0 -0
I knew three siblings (two girls and one boy) who were named Fantasy, Mystery, and Jeremiah.
daidai +3 -0
I tutored a kid whose baby sister's name was

Abcde. Pronounced Ab-suh-duh).

Yeah, I'm serious.
cromar +0 -0
A comment left by cromar was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by KaMeT, treasureplane, Magb, rustmouth, tragicone)
bixschmix +0 -0
Hai Ho. Vietnamese kid. As if that wasn't bad enough, somehow somebody found out his mom's name...Mai.

Mai Ho and Hai Ho.
satellitetv +2 -0
Went to high school with a burly Cantonese football player, went by the name of Tou Ger Li.
tragicone +0 -0
this, is a jewel
jthm_guitarist +5 -0
Don't be all talkin' smack about Mai Ho
scraggg +0 -1
Is your name supposed to insinuate that you've got the title Johnny the Homicidally Maniacal Guitarist?

Because that would be awesome.
chuvak +0 -0
My college roomate freshman year's legal full name:

Gaik George Geuk Leong Lee, Jr.

Not joking. He was Malaysian!
susurrus +0 -0
Mai Bong, and Ying Ling (as in the beer Yueingling)
tropicana +0 -0
One of my profs last semester was named Anita Ho. That's a big part of the reason I took the course.
mercuri0us +1 -1
Why, did you believe you could be that ho?
talix18 +3 -0
Too bad Hai Ho's not a girl. She can marry my friend whose last name is D'Addario. *hopes someone here is old enough to remember that rhyme*
lawbot +0 -0
No. All it calls to my mind is a brand of guitar strings.
mikeronomicon +0 -0
I remember, though I wish I didn't. Damn you for making my brain hurt.
retro +0 -0
You would think it was a foreign name or at the very least a west coast trend, but let me guess, the parents live in the upper midwest and really like Sesame Street.
dwodles +0 -0
Hey! My sister knows a girl with the name Abcde but her name is pronounced AB-si-day.
ihmgard +1 -0
heh I know a princess, whose name alone might not be the funniest one on here, but the fact that shes a hardcore feminist lesbian of the highest degree makes it sort of ironic. But we all still love her despite her parents obvious poor choices. I also know a Goldberry Long named after Tom Bombadil's wife in Lord of the Rings
chuvak +0 -0
My mother new three daughters named, in succession:
Faith, Hope, and Sharon.
hamscout +2 -0
Later, thinking about it in highschool, she was glad the family adopted a dog named Charity before they brought Sharon home from the hospital...
nbgreene +1 -0
I grew up in the same neighborhood as a mormon family with the last name Rehder (sounds like Raider). Oldest son's name? you got it... Darth. REAL NAME. Yes, he was a dick.
freelancelove +1 -0
When I was in junior high my mom and I had this joke where every time one of her friends had a baby, we'd suggest they name it either Elmo for a boy, or Jadzia for a girl.
And then one day. I met a little girl. Named Jadzia. And then it wasn't very funny anymore.
mira +0 -0
I may be showing some ds9 related dorkiness, but I think Jadzia is a pretty name.
alreadyinuse +1 -0
absolutely it is! (given enough parallel universes.)
tekende +3 -0
I think it would be a fine name. Different without being ridiculous, plus, you know, Deep Space Nine was really an amazing series.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
A comment left by alreadyinuse was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by tekende, cryztal, mikeronomicon, dwodles, _cheesekayke, ep2, IronDave)
tekende +1 -0
Wow.

You'd think I'd just said that Aaljhdfocthulhuadisawejbdv was a normal name or something.

Chill the fuck out, dude.
saraphonic +2 -0
There's no 'z' in that, so its ok
alreadyinuse +2 -2
that's a straw man argument! using a straw man argument on me! Not cool!
unprotected +0 -0
RED CARD! Penalty: Straw Man argument. You are benched for the rest of this internet.
heccibiggs +2 -0
"Fluffy" is not onomatopoeia.
alreadyinuse +0 -2
damn... look who's bein a dick about terms!
farqussus +1 -0
You kow, alreadyinuse, verbosity does not equate intelligence. edit yourself.
vheissu +0 -0
I agree with your point, but telling him to edit himself comes across flat when you make a spelling mistake in your two sentence post.
farqussus +1 -0
touche. asshat.
cryztal +0 -0
But... my name has a "z" in it.

To be fair, the "z" in my name was added when I was 17, since I was sick and tired of being "the short Crystal" or "the white Crystal." Fucking Minnesota.
mikeronomicon +0 -0
They make this shit call xanex, and I think you should really try some.
cryztal +0 -0
I was just trying to figure out where I'd heard "Jadzia" before. Having a Trekkie of sorts for a boyfriend, I am chagrined.
grayfox +0 -0
I pondered naming my second daughter Jadzia Onna Hopkins. Not only does it sound nice (though Onna is a bit utilitarian, being Japanese for "woman") but it has a built-in nickname of "Joh" or "Jo".
pogo +0 -1
You must not be around any Polish people among whom Jadzia would be a fine name (means female warrior) or Star Trek fans, as there was a Jadzia Dax on Deep Space Nine.
lawbot +0 -0
I think it's more likely to be name derived from the word for venom.
lawbot +0 -0
That said, a surprising number of sites link it to war.
chuvak +2 -0
At least it wasn't Tusken.
mercuri0us +0 -0
Dude, it would be awesome to have the name Darth, no matter what your last name was.
mikeronomicon +1 -0
No dude it wouldn't. That would make my name Darth Lorenzo, and my parents would have died by my own hand.
spectre +5 -0
Support euthanasia for the children of Star Wars fans.
techiebabe +1 -0
I just found out last night that an old friend of mine named her newborn...Salem Ezra.
I've been debating all day whether or not I still wish to be friends with her.
streever +1 -0
I'll settle this debate for you. No. You do not. You do not want to be friends with a person like this.
tekende +0 -0
Deep Space Nine also featured a character named Ezra Dax.
autrepoupee +1 -0
I can beat that. I knew a kid named Jake Lloyd. How embarrassing!
oomingmak +0 -0
I know some NASCAR fans who named their kids "AC" and "Delco" - the ironic part is that the both work at a gas station...
tekende +0 -0
My cousin and her husband named their daughter Dannica (sp?) after the race car driver.
hipjiverobot +0 -0
There is a family who named their kids Rodney, Rodteisha, Rodneisha, and Rodkeisha. And they all go to my school.
mikeronomicon +0 -0
Yeah, those parents would have died by my hand had they been the one's responsible for naming me. Come to think of it, I think it's time for some research about patricide committed by children with shitty names.
dapooka +12 -0
I may have to give up my trophy -or at least split it with you - because that's about as good as what I got, for much the same reasons. A coworker's parents also thought this sounded pretty:

Clymidia. That was how they spelled it, but still .

She went by 'Cly' for short even though most of us urged her silently to choose 'The Clap' as a nickname.
gormster +0 -0
Noice, different, unusual.
woodenteeth +0 -0
Gormster... loook at mooooooiiii!
drskradley +0 -0
You guys aren't helping our stereotype, I hope you know.
clever-nickname +0 -0
This reminds me of something slightly related.

In a study with non-English speakers, diarrhea was voted one of the prettiest English words.

lmfao.

as far as worst names ever, I think Princess is probably one of the worst. Especially since she's a masculine, dyke-y black girl. There is also a guy at my local grocery store by the name of Zenon.
snoozebar +0 -0
I was in a swim meet once with twin girls named Princess and Precious. No lie.

Those are bad dog names, let alone people names.
philly +0 -0
In sixth grade my teacher told us a story about a friend of hers. I'm not sure where this friend was from - I believe it was eastern Asia - but she named her daughter after the prettiest English word she knew...

Diarrhea.
vheissu +0 -0
That is a historical name and also the name of a French-Canadian fellow I know (Zenon, not Princess). What is wrong with that?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zenon_(disambiguation)
comrade_tom +1 -0
I know someone who knew a clymidia.

Its sad we live in a world where at least two sets of parents choose that name
nbgreene +1 -0
I think "7" is a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... or a boy!
lonis +0 -0
You might like this song then:
https://www.last.fm/music/The Long Winters/_/Seven
lonis +0 -0
FUCK YOU ASSETBAR. There's supposed to be plus signs in there, like this: The(plus)Long(plus)Winters(plus).
lonis +0 -0
and in my frustration, I implied an unnecessary plus following Winters. I am a moron, and should be ridiculed accordingly.
pogo +0 -0
Three lashes with a wet noodle.
theargentinian +0 -0
I ridicule you accordingly
falseprophet +0 -0
I drink your milkshake inappropriately
tekende +0 -0
You know what's a nice name? Soda!

Vchub for Seinfeld reference.

cryztal +0 -0
I knew a girl in Elementary school whose name was "Six." Her five older siblings had normal names. She ended up having a younger brother named Jacob. I ... don't know what her parents were thinking.
grombly +0 -0
Salmonella was one I was unfortunately privy to know
drskradley +0 -0
I had a crush on a Crystal Ball when I was living in Virginia.
pogo +0 -0
I banged a babe named Beverly Hills.
tragicone +0 -0
How interesting, I was once babysat by a Holly Wood
bixschmix +0 -0
My coworker is named Crystal Bell!
brycemidas +0 -0
I just received a call at my place of employment from a one "Crystal Colon" yikes!
caduceo +0 -0
yeah, two people who had sex didn't know what a clitoris was, but somehow knew the word when they named their child. That's pretty amazing.
mira +2 -0
nobody ever said it was good sex
fineoakstructure +4 -0
This is so subtlely stupid that it has always made me laugh more than those "out there" names.

My roommate had a white-trashy family in her hometown that really wanted a boy for their first child, and they were dead set on naming him Keith. Their first child was a girl, but they were undaunted, and decided to name the girl...Keithette.

Their second child was a boy, however, and, single-mindedly, they still named him Keith. So they had Keith and Keithette.

My roommate was instructed by her parents to always avoid their house on her walk home from school.
someyoungguy +1 -0
I worked with a guy once named Terrence. He had two brothers: Clarence and . . . Ference. Yeah.
hedonismbot +7 -0
I went to college with a Morgan Morgan Morgan. She was a total slut
steev_dayv +4 -0
I heard that in a Jan Brady's voice.
bixschmix +1 -0
Dude! I actually knew a Rachel Rachel Rachel. Her parents were professional clowns.
davey-boy +0 -0
I knew a kid named Sebastian Terror. Not white trash, just unfortunately named.
Know a kid named 'Atrayu'.
woodenteeth +0 -0
I once went out with a girl named Seabastian Toast. That is how she spelt it. She was rad.
chrissketch +0 -0
Man, if you think about it, Toast is just an all around cool last name.
drskradley +2 -0
In one of my many Guinness Book of World Records (I have a lot), I noticed that all the records for archery by that year were held by South Koreans. Except one - an Aussie, bestowed with the name Jackson Fear.

Not so much unfortunate as it is fucking awesome.
drskradley +1 -0
Also noticed in the local Yellow Pages that there is a Dr. MD Blood (Dental Surgeon).

I would think that if your last name is "Blood", dental surgery possibly ain't the profession for you.

Doctor Blood will see you now, little malformed child
sirhan_duran +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
this is him, dude
sorry

He's also currently on bail for internet fraud
sorry
again
falseprophet +1 -0
I knew a kid named Dante Furioso.

Actually that is a fucking awesome name.
andyfaewatford +0 -0
YES!

My friend's dad is- I think- called Fat Lip. I think I saw this written on some mail that was lying around, but I have always been too embarrassed to ask. I mean, what if I was wrong!? I would look like such a dick!
rabbidpanda +1 -0
I went to high school with an Adam Adams.
There is also a kid in one of my lectures with the name Dong Wang.
clever-nickname +0 -0
I know a guy named Chris Won, but his traditional Chinese name is Dong, making his name Dong Won. My friends and I are trying to figure out if it's some sort of pun on Don Juan or not.
philipmarschall +0 -0
There is apparently a guy who goes to my school whose name is Long Wang; he's quite the wrestler, so I hear.
drskradley +0 -0
We had a substitute teacher by the name of Richard Petit (pronounced "petite").

Once we found out his first name, he lost all control and respect from the class.

cromar +0 -0
There's a realtor around where I live named John John.
divot +3 -0
Don't forget Major Major Major Major!
davey-boy +0 -0
I knew a Maj Major at one point, I recall. Also a Cpl. Sergent who is bound to be a Sergent by now.
ethelthefrog +2 -0
Or Snowden! Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
divot +0 -0
Where was the stooped and mealy-coloured old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?
ethelthefrog +0 -0
Who is Spain? Why is Hitler? When is right? Balls!
juanclaudius +1 -0
Theres a little cafe by my school run by an Asian couple whose kids' names are Thaddeus, Cornelius and Aurelius.
buffalobutt +1 -0
My wife and I were at a lame dinner party at a friend's house a few months ago, and this obnoxious French guy was hitting on her from across the table. She finally asks his name.
It's Flavius.Turns out he has 2 brothers, named Josephus and Octavius. And the Sister? Blanche.
dr_strangeglove +0 -0
my friend Karina has three sisters named, from youngest to oldest, Selena, Serina and Catrina.
tropicana +0 -0
I once knew a set of brothers named Barry, Terry, Larry, and Jerry. And those were their actual, birth certificate names.
ethelthefrog +1 -0
Went to school with a Justin Sane. Really the parents knew their last name was Sane and decided to name their kid Justin.

Also knew a Dai Nguyen (pronounced Die When). "Die when? Who knows?"
achilleselbow +0 -0
Justin Sane is the singer from Anti-Flag. Though I don't think that's his real name, so it's probably a different person.
skooby_dont +0 -0
There was a college kid over here named Ashfoch...
unfun +2 -0
Vote Fonda Dicks
steev_dayv +0 -0
Can't do...I'm quite fond of Spaceman Africa.
pogo +0 -0
I'm going to have to go with Fonda, since Spaceman apparently named himself.
fineoakstructure +1 -0
Is Spaceman pronounced "Spah-CHEH-muhn," by any chance?
laserblade +3 -0
DR. SPACEMAN! DR. SPACEMAN!
farqussus +0 -0
I always wanted you to go into space. Man.
the_voice +0 -0
I hear that space is a pretty...freaky place.
pogo +1 -0
Hey gang, it's almost hidden in the "Vote Fonda Dicks" post, but the site "Name of the Year" is one of the funniest things since Achewood. So here's the URL again: https://nameoftheyear.blogspot.com/
unfun +0 -0
Just to be clear, I wasn't actually lobbying for Fonda so much as I was lobbying for the tremendousness of this site.
joestork +0 -0
"Abracadabra and her older sister Sachet Potpourri"

That is the funniest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.
juanclaudius +1 -0
My sister once had a roommate named Suctese Pumjesticles. The "u" in Pumjesticles is pronounced "oo."
professorhazard +25 -0
Pumjesticles! What news from the north?
drskradley +1 -0
AH! Man, that got me right in me pumjesticles...
comrade_tom +0 -0
I quite want to write a rambling 800 page epic just to include that line.

You sir have made my day! a thousand chubbies and the blessings of allah upon you!
achilleselbow +0 -0
I am proud to have contributed to the origin of this meme.
tekende +0 -0
This joke will never get old.
chrissketch +0 -0
Like Rick Rolling and and LOLcats?
tekende +0 -0
Not like those at all, no.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Those are the opposite of what is good.
killerlimpet +0 -0
Lolcats are the reason I get up in the morning, I'll have you know.

I mean, do you think I'm going to roll out of bed for homo sapiens? Fuck no! But fuzzy kitties? Yeah just barely.
woodenteeth +0 -0
Turtle Poole. Brass fallopianed, spikey haired dyke.
hamscout +1 -0
[20,000 Pyramid] Uhm... Three things you'd find in a lobby of a gender reassignment clinic?? (NO)

...uhm...uh, Three things you'd find in a Bravo remake of "Orange County Choppers" ??
susurrus +0 -0
The brothers Skye, Stormy, and Cloudy.
lyzz +0 -0
In high school, I knew a girl named Stormy Wynn.
lucidz +0 -0
Well, hell. I'll chime in here. While working at my dad's vacuum shop in Tennessee, there was this like, 90 year old woman who came in for a repair. As I was filling out the ticket, I asked her last name. "Willy"

First name, "Ima", I ask her to repeat it "Willy, Ima." I said err, first name again? At this point she gets made.

Imagine a 90 year old woman shaking her fist at you, "Ima! My name is Ima"

"Ima willy! IMA WILLY!"

I had to go get my dad to finish the sale...
lucidz +3 -0
MAD!!!! GETS MAD, GOD DAMNIT, GETS MAD!!! HAVING A STUPID NAME ALLUDING TO YOUR EXISTING AS A PENIS DOES NOT GET YOU INTO LA COSA NOSTRA!!!!
theargentinian +1 -0
doesn't it? Thats how my grandma got made
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I was working at a bookstore about 6 years ago when a custome was handed me a check for payement. As I asked for a driver's license, I looked at the name on the check (first name changed to protect the innocent, barely, and b/c it doesn't fit into the joke):

Maria B. Cocks

I had a bit of a giggle, mentally, and then looked up to see her driver's license, which showed her full middle name. Now, she must've been the type to take her maiden name as her middle named when she got married; but really, she shouldn't have. Her full name:

Maria Buffaloe Cocks.

I struggled. But then again, who wouldn't, with a buffalo cock?
buffalobutt +0 -0
The secretary at my cousin's school was Ita Dick.
professorhazard +0 -0
Isn't living in Tennessee great? When I was a lad, I knew an old married couple named Ibby and W.R. ... Cook, was it? I think they're both dead now, as they were 80 or so when I was in elementary school.

Anyways, W.R.'s name doesn't stand for anything. He was named after a friend of the family. His first name is literally just the two letters "W R". Caused him no end of hell on filling out forms, getting a driver's license, et cetera. They wouldn't give it to him without him telling them what the letters stood for.
bixschmix +0 -0
Go to Snopes and look up "Ronly Bonly," that's apparently a pretty common occurance.
numberkillinger +0 -0
My belated contribution:
I know a guy who was named Vance Grunts, so he changed his name. To Ricardo Defusco.
margargaret +0 -0
Another belated contribution: my grandparents have a friend named Dick Nutter. They used to make fun of him a lot in high school.
mortshire +0 -0
Some family who lives near my grandma (in SE Ohio) named their baby ESPN. All caps. Pronounced "Espin."
falseprophet +4 -0
My tenth grade history teacher's first name was KJ. You just pronounced the letters, "kay jay."

Didn't stand for a damn thing. Just like her principles.

Note: She was actually a very strong-willed woman.
juanclaudius +0 -0
My father almost named me Larry Bird Glessner. Instead I inherited his and his father's name...now, I'm changing it to Juan Claudius Eddington.
Fucking names.
jimts +2 -0
I know a girl named David. Her brother's name is David. I think she may have another brother also named David, but I'm not sure. They're probably named after their father, David.
loneal +2 -0
Maybe the David father watched too much Nickelodeon about red-headed brothers around the time these children were born.
farqussus +0 -0
George Foreman did that to all his kids. Even his daughter, George.
jimts +0 -0
Wow, I just talked to her the other day and found out she does have another brother, but his name is Michael. So it's David, David, David, and Michael. I guess he was not the favorite.
professorhazard +0 -0
Or was.
sprayette +0 -0
Oh so it's pronounced like "venereal"
whiteturtle +17 -0
[IMGS OFF]
whiteturtle +2 -0
Tired of the mustard/mayonnaise grind?
koodge +2 -0
Let's get the hell outta here.
kickstart +0 -0
Jay Johnston mustardayonnaise oh my hell YES
lawbot +0 -0
If I wish that John-Elvis Johnelvisson were a real person, am I logically also wishing that he would be murdered by Horus/Alcide Nikopol?
possums +1 -0
MUSTMAYOSTARDAYONNAISE PLZ
joestork +2 -2
Oh My GOd a CRYING eagle holy shit look people!
pogo +0 -0
Ain't the first time this icon appeared, joestork, where you been?
cromar +0 -0
For the last time: it's an avataricon .
pogo +0 -0
That's so yesterday.
professorhazard +0 -0
See you guys at Avataricon '08!
pogo +0 -0
I'll be at the Emoticon booth.
professorhazard +0 -0
See you guys at Emoticon '08!
thatcrazycommie +2 -0
Mom! You used separate jars of mayonnaise and mustard!
possums +0 -0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OuPEubf-UY
nickgranger +0 -0
In my dad's high school yearbook he is pictured next to a girl name Aeta Roach. I'll try to get a photo of this soon.
idsyen +1 -0
Still stuck in the two jar grind?
mortshire +0 -0
A couple who live near my grandmother (in SE Ohio) named their baby ESPN. All caps. Pronounced "Espin."
i_love_kate +1 -0
Whoa, déja vu.
smilebuddha +1 -0
Nope, nope, nope. Had an English teacher in high school. Last name: Bloh. Guess what he named his daughter? "Anita"
(true story, swear on a stack of "Great Outdoor Fight" graphic novels...)
farqussus +0 -0
My RE teacher was Mrs Tickle. First name was Theresa, but her friends called her Tess.
davey-boy +1 -0
That is awful. However, calling he Ms. Tickle would be kind of cool.
billygoatbiker +0 -0
I knew a family with Lemonade and Orangeade- except you were supposed to say "Leh-mon-ah-day" and "Oran-juh-nade"
professorhazard +2 -0
Have you tried asking Lemonade if there is any news from the north?
sncether +1 -0
Lemonade! What news from the north?

Well, the sun has just started to go down over the hills, the porch swing is creaking in the gentle summer breeze, and the smell of fresh-cut grass is on the air. And how are you and yours, Orangeade?

Up yours, Lemonade.


Now let's imagine where Orangeade lives! I vote for the bathroom at a White Castle!
ectomimedbison +0 -0
I watched a news clip on youtube about this kid who was blind and had developed his own sort of echolocation by clicking his tongue. It was actually really interesting but I couldn't take it seriously after they interviewed his mom, who went by the name "Aquanetta."
loneal +0 -0
That is exactly the same reaction I had to that video. I was like, This kid is a god among men...and his mom is named after hairspray...
loneal +0 -0
Actually, I take back the word "exactly," and its italics. I could still take it seriously. The kid was still the coolest ever. His mom just had the worst name ever.
catgrl131 +3 -2
Hey, here's the clip if anyone wants it.
davey-boy +0 -0
Damn you.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Refer here
tekende +0 -0
Nice work. V chub.
blarghamagarky +0 -0
lemonjello

someone read freakonomics
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Or really liked that time when Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa hosted Talk Soup as Oranjello and Lemonjello.

I'm not sure which was which.
iseedeadpixels +1 -0
I was wondering when Zappa was going to be brought up.
nice-on-water +1 -0
If she were my daughter, I'd...
boheeka +1 -1
smother my daughter in chocolate syrup,
strap her on again...
nice-on-water +1 -0
I love that part of the song, which might speak volumes about me, wrongly of course, but whatever.

SHE'S A TEENAGE BABY AND SHE TURNS ME ON
I'D LIKE TA MAKE HER DO A NASTY ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN

mortshire +0 -0
:) Preserved Fish.

Someone read Good Omens.
chuvak +0 -0
I want to be really cool people.
professorhazard +0 -0
That avatar ain't helpin'!
i_love_kate +0 -0
I thought Preserved Fish got his mention in Art of the Discworld.
raysdangnachos +0 -0
Who would lame this? That is the saddest thing.
juan_danger +1 -0
Remember that Roast Beef's first name is Cassandra...
blastradius +1 -0
What about the "Your Dad is your new Mom" category, Onstad? (And vice-versa).
redmange +3 -1
There was a cute black girl in one of my classes in my final year of High School with the name Shi'Thead. I wanted to make love to her just for the excuse to scream shithead during sex.
storableprawn +0 -0
I can vouch for this being a name people actually use for their poor children. I also knew a Shi'Thead. I'm not sure if it was spelled that way, but it definitely was her name.
rogergs +4 -0
And then Shithead was in an elevator with his dog and a scared white lady, and he told his dog to sit, and ...

Sorry folks.
deusoma +0 -0
Mmmm, delicious comeuppance.
mortshire +0 -0
Thank you.
hawaiian_robot +0 -0
It's not too bad, but my surname is Cross, and I have a cousin on dad's side named Christopher...

Chris Goddamn Cross
loneal +14 -0
Well, his parents made up for it by giving him the middle name Goddamn. That has to count for something.
hawaiian_robot +0 -0
ok you earned that chubby
farqussus +2 -0
Does he get caught between the moon and New York City?
ethelthefrog +1 -0
If so, the best thing he can do is fall in love.
hawaiian_robot +0 -0
Seriously, names aren't thought out too well in our family. My sister was born on St Patrick's Day; she got named Kelly.
susurrus +0 -0
try Clitoris Rose... emphasis on the "tor".
qwerty +0 -0
Anybody seen Teletubbies?

When my son was born a female doctor came onto the ward to do some checks and told us about a couple who had a baby boy born with jaundice the week previous. This couple already had a little girl who was with them in the hospital. They couldn't think of a name for the boy until their daughter, noticing that the child had a yellow tint pointed at him and shouted 'it's Laa-Laa!'.

Yeah, you guessed it. They named the poor bastard Laa-Laa. Fuckers.
irondave +3 -0
Yet if that boy someday kills his parents, he will face incarceration!
achilleselbow +5 -2
Beef shouldn't just be sorry about pretending to read the Drudge Report, he should be sorry about doing it.
achilleselbow +0 -2
Er, "pretending not to".
neonaoneo +0 -0
A comment left by neonaoneo was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Unfun, Deusoma, greatwhite, gardenhead_)
achilleselbow +0 -0
I actually waited a bit to make sure I wasn't first. Let's not start this again.
chrissketch +0 -0
So the taboo has mutated beyond actually having to claiming first? Simply being the first poster now warrants shame and lame?
sncether +13 -0
{outside}I am sorry that I read blogs

{inside}But you should know that I have one of my own

{sound chip} I blogged about your mother
nabeel84 +1 -1
outside
Baby Im sorry I bothered you that time you know how I get out of hand I didnt mean it
inside
Its just that I have flaws I wish I didnt but theyre the only things that are truly mine
gormster +6 -0
One of those flaws is that I cant use apostrophes in words, baby, you know how I am about words.
streever +0 -0
I wish I could give 10 chubbies.
sidecar +0 -0
I could see Matt Drudge being equally as depressed as Beef. In fact, I would put money on it.
maximus +0 -0
Beware the Matt Drudge hat of Total Despair
lolsworth +0 -0
IT IS SILLY TO READ THE DRUDGE REPORT BEEF. STOP DOING IT.
lateadopter +1 -0
The more I learn about Beef, the more sad I am at how much I resemble him.
quantumcasaba +12 -0
I'm sorry I said that a cartoon cat understands me better than you ever will.
juan_danger +1 -0
If Roast Beef were to publish cards, I'd buy them.
blarghamagarky +4 -1
ARE YOU LISTENING ONSTAD???
THIS IS A GREAT MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY

HEY CHRIS!! MERCHANDISE!
lateadopter +0 -0
Fuckin' A, man, he could even sell these things in national chain stores instead of only on his website.

Next stop, Achewood desk calendars. Voted most likely to be on the desk of anyone who is about to be fired for wasting time surfing the web instead of working.
nice-on-water +32 -0
Posters too, all with Beef looking contemplative and morose at a noose in his hands, standing under a tree, the caption all "Hang in there."
pogo +0 -0
Nah, they should be ordered online, one-offs sent to you as a PDF, or in an envelope for more. Going into stores is hell of hard. You need to me in the retail Mafia.
invidious +4 -1
Achewood (De?)Motivational Posters for work:

Web-Surfing: Because sometimes you just don't wanna do a thing

Pointless Email Exchanges: Attention Workers it has been 127 days since our last dumbest workplace sentence

Missed Deadlines: I'm the guy who sucks. Plus I got depression.


chuvak +0 -0
Team-building exercises: Here comes a special boy!
neonaoneo +0 -0
TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE NINTEY NIIIIIINE

And it never looked better on you
neonaoneo +0 -0
*ninety
nbgreene +0 -0
i'm wearing business socks right now
comrade_tom +0 -0
Religion: is messed up
Babies: future dead people
comrade_tom +0 -0
Note: the pictures would be the sagrada fammillia and a greyscale photo of a baby.

i realise double posting makes me worse than some sort of tapeworm, ah well i'm a tapeworm who'se having a pretty good day.
retro +2 -0
Sign me up for a weekly shipment (of a seven pack).
abendsonnen +9 -0
I wanted to reply to you so our icons could interact.
retro +9 -0
Worth a chubby, can't you...See
spinynorman +0 -0
My feelings about the delight the above exchange has given me are probably pro.
opalleye +0 -0
I just wish he'd make a card explaining what depression is like to my girlfriend. It would make life so much easier.
whiteturtle +0 -0
I am too lazy to link to them, but I am pretty sure there are 50 Roast Beef strips that perfectly describe what depression is like.
lateadopter +0 -0
Try the "Depression" poster. On sale in the Achewood store near your browser.
lateadopter +0 -0
Or this one .
pogo +0 -0
Umm, is she depressed, or you? Because if she's not sympathetic to your condition, she's not a friend.
roguecheddar +0 -0
I second this whole-heartedly.
baryonyx +1 -0
ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS: He gets things done.
hamscout +5 -0
Kazenzakis cards.

When you care enough to apologize for being hell of depressed.
chuvak +2 -0
Sorry to hear you have Pimp Skitters. Get hell of well soon.
hamscout +0 -0
Dammit! They should raise the Chubby limits for this page--y'all are hurting my face with the laughing and the humor and the hey mmhey...

*Vubby*
speth +4 -0
i need a brand new grandfather
professorhazard +3 -1
Papa's got a brand-newww gramps!

DANANANANANANANANA!
gouldgonewild +0 -0
Did you count out the nas? I know I am sure as hell not gonna.
promac +0 -0
I did... there were too many.
professorhazard +1 -0
I am sorry that I did not count them out. I thought that, in the spirit of how the man originally probably just rocked out on his guitar at that point, I should just rock out on my keyboard.
gouldgonewild +0 -0
I see your point.
cynara +1 -0
I love that the "Sorry About Yesterday" card comes in a 7-pack. It's apparently most convenient to buy a week's apologies at a time.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I read that as "Sorry About Yesterday", with the (Seven Pack) being a chaste reminder of exactly what happened that warranted the apology. I don't know. I was drunk, or high or something.
heccibiggs +0 -0
That's exactly what I thought as well. How dumb. Beer doesn't come in 7 packs. Stupid today.
theirateturk +9 -1
One time I bought the girl I loved a birthday card for her birthday and it was a really cool Gary Larson card and I mean it really was the best card in the whole store and then on my birthday (like six months later) she bought me the same card and I knew what it felt like to be loved but now I am all alone :(
echidnaboy +25 -1
Did you sign the card with pen or pencil? Because if it was pencil I think I know what happened
theirateturk +50 -1
I really don't see how me signing in pencil lead to her getting fucked by the entire basketball team
theirateturk +51 -1
OH


NOW I UNDERSTAND


FUCK
spectre +1 -1
Yours was the first comment to eve make me laugh out loud . . . I'm sorry, it's sympathy, not laughter, people need when they're the front page sad news.
romulus05 +0 -0
Chubby for being old/awesome enough to make that reference. You have become so instantaneously dear to me.
spectre +0 -0
It's actually my favorite album by any Who member, exceeding even my deep love the work of The Who. I think it's because it came out at a time when I suddenly felt that adulthood had overtaken me -- FT job, finishing college part-time, politics, money troubles, etc.
hamscout +0 -0
"Not certain members of the team, Lane...

...the whole team!
catgrl131 +1 -0
I...I'm not sure I want to click on that link.
hamscout +0 -0
Not even if I offer you... two dollars?
professorhazard +0 -0
Hamscout... has pulled up to the traf-fic light... and is once a-gain at-temp-ting to gain vic-to-ry at this time.
professorhazard +0 -0
[IMGS OFF]
dangelder +0 -0
You always look like your avatar too!
professorhazard +1 -0
Why "too"? Are you a stick man, trying desperately to escape the paper that imprisons him?

(technically, aren't we all)
pogo +0 -0
It's just a little voice clip from some movie, I guess.
norrin +1 -2
You know who that sucked for the most? Well, you. But second worse was guy #12 on the team. Actually I think the equipment guy was up after him.

Man I'm sorry to bring this back up you probably don't want to think about this anymore.
achilleselbow +0 -2
Who says they went in number order? In fact, who says they had to take turns at all?
lateadopter +8 -1
Who says it was the boy's basketball team?
pogo +0 -0
A comment left by pogo was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by waddie, snoozebar, d3athcann0n)
pogo +0 -0
A comment left by pogo was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by waddie, snoozebar, d3athcann0n)
shinkickedjim +0 -1
last night my friend told me about a guy he knew who walked in on his girlfriend getting nailed by robert horry. what can you even do? the guy is 6'10" and has won seven national championships. seven.
but the better question is: what is the appropriate card for the girl to buy at this unfortunate juncture?
lateadopter +5 -1
Why haven't you added this to his Wikipedia entry yet?
pogo +0 -0
Don't matter who the dude is or what stupid national championships he got, there's no excuse for cheating. You drop the girl, and sdisregard any card she sends.
norrin +1 -0
It does too matter who the dude is. If you walked in on your lady and Brad Pitt you just say "good for you" go on your way.
steev_dayv +1 -0
However, if you walk in on your lady and Don Knotts...you cry. You cry to death.
jaypage +0 -0
Especially because Don Knotts is dead.
steev_dayv +0 -0
My point. I just tried to think of the funniest looking corpse I could. Plus I have Don on the mind. I comissioned my sister to make a painting of Don Knotts making out with Steve Buscemi. Because that is a painting one can be proud of.
tekende +0 -0
Oh man
That is so fucking awesome

I want to see this painting when it is finished, I am not even kidding
thorfinn +0 -0
I agree, a painting like this must be shared with the world
tekende +0 -0
Is it finished yet?
thorfinn +0 -0
That wouldn't stop some people
aliiis +2 -0
[IMGS OFF]
pogo +0 -0
Good one! Greatest caricature artist ever, Al Hirschfeld.
https://www.alhirschfeld.com/
steev_dayv +3 -0
Sorry that I boned Robert Horry.

(Inside)
But he was BALLIN'!
aliiis +0 -1
But can a girl bone? Surely it would be 'Sorry that I was boned by Robert Horry'?

I had never heard of Robert Horry before just now because I am British, but I like that it rhymes.
steev_dayv +0 -1
Ne...she pegged him. This scenario is far superior.

Sorry that I pegged Robert Horry. Sorry for both you and him.

(Inside)
Would you rather I peg you?
terrainasaur +1 -1
or just the standbye: "sorry i housed robert horry's bone"
flazisismuss +0 -0
He is a very tall black man who kind of looks like Will Smith. His entire job at this point is to wait until the playoffs, then hit two or three jump shots late in games. Good gig if you can get it.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
prosthetically speaking
margargaret +0 -0
I'm American, and I've never heard of him. I'm assuming here that Robert Horry is American.
aliiis +0 -0
Yep! He is from a place called Harford County, Maryland. I wikipediad him because I am a wikipedophile, and out of curiosity and sort of to check whether the lady in the story was right to allow herself to be boned by him (on the basis of looking at a photograph only, obviously; I concluded probably yes). It doesn't have a pronunciation guide though - what a faux pas.
paperboy_2000 +0 -0
It's actually pronounced OR-ee, but it can still rhyme.

FRONT: I hope you don't think I'm whore-y
INSIDE: Sorry I was boned by Robert Horry
aliiis +0 -0
YAY TO THAT
nbgreene +0 -0
robert horry is SO clutch
gormster +0 -0
Best avatar/comment synchro ever.
lawbot +0 -0
Well done on destroying a man's image of his first true love.
echidnaboy +19 -0
Dear theirateturk
I'm Sorry I Destroyed Your Image Of Your First True Love
from echidnaboy
lawbot +0 -0
A comment left by lawbot was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by waddie, Conn, d3athcann0n)
mint +4 -0
Hey Onstad! You should make the cards seen in the strip from 4/24/08! My friends and I would totally buy them if we got jobs!
juan_danger +0 -1
I'm for this as well!
bixschmix +0 -1
Except I have no way of getting any money ever.
echidnaboy +29 -0
I'm Sorry I Still Don't Have A Job
(inside)I'm As Disappointed In Me As You Are
daidai +0 -2
I actually would buy this card.

hamscout +1 -0
...if i had a job, and could afford it...
rienne +0 -0
I do not think it would help the situation, but I think my parents would appreciate this one.
spinynorman +37 -0
I thought this would be a good time to mention something that happened earlier this week.

I went to go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall at a local theater, but it was so packed I had to park in the side alley. There was a couch beside a door at the back of the theater and it just so happened I parked directly in front of it. As I walked by I noticed it smelled strongly of spray-on deodorant, but I paid it no mind and hurried into the theater.

Once it was done it was quite late and I was walking back to my car. I noticed, though, that there were several people on the couch, and in the hands of one of the figures was a coarse red ember that had to be the burning glow of marijuana in a small glass pipe.

Things became a little bit awkward. All three kids looked up at me like raccoons when you find them digging through your garbage. I nodded as I walked by and one said, "Hey."

I said, "Hey."

"What's up," he said.

"Not much," I said. "You?"

"Not much."

"Okay."

"Cool, cool," he said.

There was a good ten seconds of uncomfortable nodding as I ambled up to my car.

"So," he said. "Uhm... That an Achewood shirt?"

I looked down. It was indeed my rabbit ambulance shirt, though I had forgotten.

"Yep," I said.

He nodded and grinned. "All right, man. All right." I noticed that his intonation matched the black gardener at the cemetery in The Royal Tenenbaums almost exactly. You know, the guy that says, "Hey, Baumer! All right! All right!"? Of course you do.

Then I got in my car and drove off. It seemed a fitting scenario for an Achewood reference to bring us together.
theirateturk +0 -0
A comment left by theirateturk was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, lawbot, Brody, invidious, EM2, cuntpills69, Magb)
gsurge +4 -0
I hope she didn't get nachos.
brian +7 -0
Could that be why she fucked the whole basketball team?
hanrahahanrahan +0 -0
I would have thought that if he was able to fit most of his hand up her ass, that this was in fact after she had been fucked by the entire basketball team.
farqussus +0 -0
at the same time
farqussus +0 -0
I mean they all fucked her at the same time. Not that his hand was up there at the same time as/ you know what, we need EDIT.
hanrahahanrahan +2 -0
No, I like your first comment, and the image it conjures. A poor girl just trying to watch and enjoy The Royal Tenenbaums, with some guys had up her ass and trying to fend off an entire basketball team all at once. Plus she is maybe wanting to eat nachos.
farqussus +2 -0
"Is it too much to ask to just eat some nachos without all this anal invasion?"
professorhazard +0 -0
Ahh, my kingdom for a Chubby. Take a couple from my Punjesticles comment up near the top of the page.
farqussus +0 -0
I'd keep the one I gave you in trade, but it's too late.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I have given this matter much thought and discussion with my friends, and concluded that a girl can be in simultaneous sexual contact with up to and including 7 guys.

I know a guy. We can make it happen.
tekende +0 -0
Wouldn't you need to know six guys?

And a girl?
achilleselbow +0 -0
Yes. Here's how it works:

-Triple penetration in the groin area (yes, it's possible, look up Annabel Chong)
-Double oral (two guys have to be standing close to her head at 45 degree angles)
-Each hand used for a handjob

One of my friends suggested that an 8th person could partake via a footjob, but come on now, that's just ridiculous.

As far as I know, this has never been done. Somehow, the Internet has created things like swap.avi, but not something like this.
sncether +1 -0
Uh, not to be crude, but seriously, for a theory that cites a porn star, you guys need to think a bit more outside the box.

You heard me. Don't make me say it again.
fineoakstructure +1 -0
(C)1978 Ulvaeus, Andersson
lawbot +0 -0
vChub

YES
pogo +0 -0
Shit, two of us get a foot?!
norrin +0 -0
How is that a movie you hook up with a girl during? and what the heck type of girl lets you go all goatse during a movie?
whiteturtle +3 -0
There is apparently a corollary between being a human puppet and enjoying the carnal attentions of the Harlem Globetrotters.
theirateturk +0 -0
A comment left by theirateturk was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, EM2, snoozebar, Magb, wotown)
daidai +2 -0
It was not, in fact, as good as Rushmore.
eatmorekix +0 -0
i completely disagree, mostly because the pacing of Rushmore irritated me. i'm really picky about pacing though so perhaps i'm overreacting.

that one scene where bill murray dives into the pool, though- great scene.
margargaret +0 -0
I agree. It's the last movie he did before the art direction went insane and started overwhelming the story.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Was this the same girl mentioned above that got fucked by the whole basketball team? Because that would make sense.
pogo +0 -0
Remind me not to shake you hand.
tekende +1 -0
Did you like Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I really enjoyed it.

Also, The Royal Tenenbaums is, in my opinion, one of the best movies ever made.
juan_danger +0 -0
All of Wes Anderson's films stomp so much brown eye, they're banned in 12 countries.
theirateturk +6 -0
I think my thought process was something along these lines:

"Hmm, this really isn't as good as Rushmore"

"..."

"Sodomy"
juan_danger +0 -0
Well, it's a different kind of film, only with the same feel. Rushmore was awesome too!
whiteturtle +5 -0
You're...you're pretty proud about sex that you have had, aren't you?
theirateturk +3 -1
Anal sex dude. Anal sex.
nice-on-water +1 -0
...or "Technical incest."
lawbot +0 -1
YES
wotown +0 -0
I really enjoyed Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The Royal Tenenbaums is, in my opinion as well, one of the best movies ever made.
lawbot +0 -0
Someone already said that.
tekende +0 -0
Yeah, that was a little disconcerting.
wotown +0 -0
Sorry. My reply seems a little odd when it's not directly below the post to which I was replying.
daidai +0 -0
Yeah, how crass of you.
jun +0 -0
A comment left by jun was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by straw, lawbot, storableprawn)
whiteturtle +2 -1
It Was Wrong of Me To Reduce Your Ethnicity to an Obvious and Unfunny Stereotype

OMG WHITE PEOPLE, RIGHT? NOTHING THEY ENJOY IS GENUINE LOL
lafindumondale +0 -0
A comment left by lafindumondale was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by Cane_5, mistlethrush, bcguitar33)
whiteturtle +5 -0
Burn, I guess. Sorry I went off like that, but that website is just a checklist of yuppie pop culture items that it is cool to laugh at. OMG Bottled water, right? Right? Isn't that a thing that you see that you are mildly irritated with? How about airplane food? Huh? Am I right?
autrepoupee +0 -0
you're actually pretty accurate, now that i've looked at the site. it's got some good gags, but for the most part it is just NETFLIX WHO EVEN DOES THAT RIGHT?

but with a handle like whiteturtle I was a little worried there was a KKK e-gypsy camp setting up. Little white tents, cooler full of Miller Lite.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Oh merciful jesus, it has never even once occurred to me that my beloved internet handle could be misconstrued as potentially racist. SHIT .
pogo +2 -0
Hardly a very threatening image, a white fucking turtle! Oh run, my black brothers, White Turtle is comin'!
whiteturtle +36 -0
*ahem*

"Slow and steady ends your race"

*flees*
pogo +0 -0
VERY good!
falseprophet +1 -0
*~* Black America's feelings on this asset are reluctantly Pro. *~*
davey-boy +0 -0
I am reminded of the book Yertle the Turtle, and the tragedy that this line is not in it.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I'd agree with you if the guy was either funny or right. I can name 3 people in my life who have even heard of him, and one was because of me.
eatmorekix +0 -0
no....he's right. as a white person, the blog tells me i like sushi because it is expensive, is a food with cache, and because us white folks love to fetishize asian culture. but i like sushi because it is delicious, and i resent being told otherwise.

and outside of that, the actual writing is nowhere near as humorous as it has the potential to be.
tekende +0 -0
A comment left by tekende was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by professorhazard, mortshire, Margargaret)
spinynorman +0 -0
Sushi is good. Seriously.

If you don't like hardcore sushi, they have kinds with cream cheese that are lightly fried.
mint +0 -0
This was a relief, because at the time I had been "pretending" my way through a lot of sashimi. (To this day, I still can't join ranks with those of you who think you are big scary bears.)

God help me I love Chris's blog.
mira +0 -0
I remember when I read that, I was kinda proud. Like I am a big scary bear.

MM RAW SALMON NOMNOMNOM

<3 sashimi
cromar +0 -0
Hell yeah for the scary bears who eat sashimi...
hedonismbot +0 -0
This is because you, like me, live in Oklahoma. There is not an ocean within fifty thousand miles of where we live. Sushi made from fish that has been dead less than a month can be good. It's mostly a texture thing, but the taste is pretty fun too.
tekende +0 -0
You have a point there.

Still, there's a lot of people here who claim to like it. I am suspicious.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Eel. Delicious fucking eel. Sushi can be good. I don't find that I like sushi. I like the sushi at Tuna III, the local sushi bar. Anywhere else it sems to be of a lower quality.
lawbot +0 -0
If you are ever in New York, go to a sushi place that is highly rated. If you have the scratch, go to Sushi of Gari, especially the West Side branch.
mira +0 -0
"unagi"
lawbot +0 -0
Are those people paying huge amounts for it?

The thing about sushi is that basically you need fresh fish (which is really expensive in england) which needs to be of the highest quality (arg), then you need it to be prepared by someone who has been trained to do all of the delicate cooking steps (flavouring, cooking, cooling, and storing the rice), and who has been trained to vet the raw, fresh fish for safety (fish have hell of nasty parasites).

Even if it weren't fashionable and delicious, sushi would be hell of expensive, but it also commands a premium.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
I used to work in a French Fry factory. Did you know that every McDonald's french fry is photographed while they are all on a moving conveyor belt tripping along at some 20 or 30 MPH or some such, and while they are still moving, a robot cuts out any brown spots. They are then sorted according to length, with the ones that are too short or too long going to non-McDonald's products like the B-grade bags of fries in the grocery store. Man, they got statistical models of how the heat from the oil travels through the fry as it is cooking.

same idea as sushi I guess. quality grub doesn't just happen on axident.
heccibiggs +0 -0
I don't believe you - I've had McDonalds fries that are like three feet long.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
you might have been in a counterfeit McD or maybe they were serving counterfeit fries. To save money so they didn't have to buy the fries from the corporate Franchise. If you are at a sort of out-of-the way McD , always check to make sure it's legit. One way you can tell is the length of the fries.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Yeah, I know what you mean. At lunchtime at work when I don't fancy a sandwhich, I always hover in the sushi section for like five minutes, debating whether it's worth spending 3.99 GBP (I know the pound sign doesn't work here) on like four cubic inches of food.

In the end I ususally just get two packets of crisps instead of one.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Uhh, *sandwich. I'm still stupid, apparently.
spinynorman +0 -0
I had like a goddamn half pound of ceviche last night.

My feelings on it are probably con. Good at first, then steadily less good.
rabbidpanda +0 -0
My high school Spanish teacher went to Ecuador with a bunch of his friends. They passed a guy selling ceviche from a little cart. They dared one guy to eat it.

That was the day I learned the Spanish words for 'vomit' and 'diahreahha'
alreadyinuse +1 -0
did you only try it once? Maybe you got a defective piece. Or maybe you got some off-colour variety.

Man I love sushi. The only thing better than sushi would be... if somehow you could combine... whoaa yeah... that would be awesome.. sushi & clit. They almost tried this in a scene in the film Tampopo, only it was raw eggs if I remember right. (dir. by Juzo Itami)
tekende +0 -0
No, I tried it on more than one occasion at different places.
mortshire +0 -0
Hilarious movie. "Have you heard of this one kind of wild boar that only eats yams?"
bixschmix +0 -0
I grew up in Texas. I didn't grow up eating sushi, but sushi is yummy. I'm sorry, tekende and hedonismbot. You have to seek out the good sushi, but it's there to be found!
steev_dayv +0 -0
Fuck me for not reading your post before posting myself. I totally agree.
storableprawn +0 -0
But you're white, aren't you? That's the only reason you love sushi. If you were of a darker complexion, like myself, you would have the credibility to pull of a sushi-eating habit. As it is, you'll have to stick with twinkies and pasta with a bit of ketchup on top, while you watch me and my colored brethren slurp down sushi and watch The Wire with guilt-free glee.
steev_dayv +0 -0
GRAPE DRINK! IM A FAN!
lawbot +0 -0
Like...Rioja?
farqussus +0 -0
What the fuck is juice? Gimme some of that purple shit!
professorhazard +0 -0
Nigga, what the fuck is juice
pogo +0 -0
You're right, and sitting up at the bar and talking with the sushi maker is also key to a great experience.
mortshire +0 -0
I like sashimi, but not sushi rolls.
lawbot +0 -0
Why is this?
i_love_kate +0 -0
Possibly because she likes fish but not rice? This is just an idea. It could also be something much more interesting.
lawbot +0 -0
This is why I ask.
margargaret +0 -1
I don't believe that anyone who is not from Texas/ or Mexico who says they legitimately like Tex Mex. I say this because I have tried Tex Mex and do not believe anyone who has not grown up on it could like it.
lawbot +0 -0
As far as I can tell, it is only possible to get good texmex in Washington DC.
dapooka +0 -0
I love Mexican food , like the real authentic stuff.

Tex Mex is to Mexican food what Velveeta is to cheese.

Curiously enough, I don't mind Velveeta.
spinynorman +0 -0
I've never really understood that. I live in Austin and Tex Mex is plenty authentic. There are sought-after people paid tons of money because they figured out how to perfect Tex-Mex food. It's not Interior Mexican food, no, nor is Quebec- or some Vietnamese food genuinely French, but that doesn't mean that poutain isn't delicious. Nor does it mean that just because something was made along the Texas border and not in the Yucatan Peninsula doesn't mean it doesn't taste good.

I'm guessing you're thinking of something like Taco Cabana or some chain restaurant that dispenses meat with a contraption like a caulking gun. If you seriously think Tex-Mex isn't authentic, then you haven't had any before.
spinynorman +0 -0
Man, I sound passionate as fuck all about Tex Mex.

Originally I'm from Louisiana, by the by. I didn't grow up on this stuff, nor did I start eating it until fairly recently.

But seriously, Tacos al Pastor? Google that and tell me it doesn't sound like a great meal.
tekende +0 -0
Yeah, Tex-Mex really has little to do with Mexican food. It is a Thing in its own right.
dapooka +0 -0
You may be right. Most Tex Mex I've experienced has been through crappy chains that brag about serving it.

One I will not try, no matter what: Carlos O'Kelley's. All that makes me think of is corned beef tacos. And yes, I know the most of the Irish haven't heard of corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's day. Somehow that makes it worse.
autrepoupee +1 -1
they have it so bad
whiteturtle +0 -0
Just cuz white folks got it easy doesn't mean humor directed at them gets to be lazy.
nice-on-water +0 -0
If we could agree more on that, we would have the same brain, shared via a cheap orange extension chord, hooked up from ear to ear.

No wait, Rushmore is better. No...Tenenbaums. No, Rushmore.

Happens every time. :( :( :(
stuakamcphaze +0 -0
im sorry i liked forgetting sarah marshall. hell of character flaws and this is the worst
maximus +3 -0
It's touching how reality can briefly seem to mimic certain aspects of the existential hell swirling in our heads like some toxic snowglobe.

Right?
em2 +0 -0
Your thumbnail avatar has the hardest action going on, man.
pogo +0 -0
So does his icon.
em2 +1 -0
I'm pretty sure Onstad has settled this debate with the previous strip.

thorfinn +1 -1
give it up already, you are not going to make people stop calling them avatars. We all realize that they do not fit the technical definition for the word "avatar", but many of them, like the one you just responded to, are not technically "icons" either. An icon is a singular, static picture, so multi-frame gifs don't count. You really need to find something new to bitch about, because your shit is tired.
pogo +0 -0
I have not yet begun to fight. (V-chubs to any of the undereducated masses who know who said that first, and with whom I share a real name.) Urrp! Shit Molly, get me another damned brewski!
dapooka +0 -0
Insert witty comment here about it being two Beatles and one Monkee, or just the bassist from Led Zepplin.
pogo +0 -0
No fair, you're twice as old as the average denizen of Assetbar.
andyfaewatford +0 -0
Or, V-chubs to anyone who can use Google...?
pogo +0 -0
Hey, as long as they do the research, it ain't matter how. Trick 'em into learnin', I try.
maximus +0 -0
This comment makes no sense poisitioned so far from spinynorman's post. Apologies.
pogo +0 -0
Neither does this comment, positioned so far from your previous comment. Hint: Hit "refresh" before making a position-sensitive comment. There are many of us in this cluster-fuck.
whiteturtle +0 -0
This comment I am currently making makes no sense other than in its proximity to other posts on the same topic.

META-ED!
maximus +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]

I know - I hate scrolling comments too
achilleselbow +2 -0
It's obvious that this kind of thing could only happen out west. In New York you could meet someone wearing the same shirt of a band that only has three fans, and also each of you has half of a treasure map on your shirt that reveals you're long-lost twins, and the most that would be socially acceptable is a quick nod with a half-ironic smirk as you walk past.
eatmorekix +0 -0
i dunno about it only happening out west. i think a more accurate statement would be that it only happens anywhere but new york.
lawbot +0 -0
In London, even that would be kind of forward. Of course, the worst is when this happens on the tube/metro. You might have to talk about it after a minute or two.
autrepoupee +0 -0
Sheesh, I can't even buy a pack of gum without getting into a "Mint Variations and How I Place Them According to Taste and Freshness Potential On A Grid In My Mind" talk with the cashier. I always figured it had something to do with my gigantic, sympathetic head.
pogo +0 -0
Two questions:

What significance does spray-on deodorant have?

Did you inhale?
spinynorman +2 -0
I assume they had been spraying deodorant on themselves or on the couch to avoid smelling like a goatee that's been to Burning Man.
nice-on-water +0 -0
I can see it now..."Mr. Goatee Goes To Burning Man". The Brave Little Toaster meets Fear and Loathing.

Directed by Wes Anderson
steev_dayv +0 -0
When I went to Burning Man, the only smell I remember was sweat. Everybody. So fucking sweaty.
richfamous +0 -0
Better yet, a Goatse that's been to Burning Man.
pogo +0 -0
Ah yes, covering the distinctive weed aroma, something we never bother with in Madison, Wisconsin, since the whole freaking place reeks of it night and day. As for my second question, I will assume it goes without saying.
mrfedora +0 -0
Man, I had something like that happen once, but it was under more... shall we say..
...boning circumstances.
hereward +0 -0
You had better Actually look like a young stephen fry, spiny norman, I just thought I'd say; your icon is extremely powerful imagery. When we all meet up at an achewood convention in 10 years time it will be a big disappointment if you do not (look like a young stephen fry).
farqussus +0 -0
He will look like an older Steven Fry.
farqussus +0 -0
ph
comrade_tom +0 -0
Lets just hope the resemblence to Fry stops at apearence (I.e no crippling depression and suicide related trips to belgium).
spinynorman +0 -0
No promises.
pogo +0 -0
Hmm, he might look like someone who has been boned by Fry. Fry-boned?
westsider8 +1 -0
Roast Beef's ill-suited words to Molly may have just jump-started a million dollar business for him. I mean, who among us is not filled with rage when standing before the card rack in Hallmark, trying not to breathe in all the pot pourri or strangle the teddy bear covered with hearts?
lexsenthur +1 -0
Not a one.

I'm actually surprised that Beef got MAD instead of doing what I do, freak out while trying to find a card.

I mean, I could learn how to knit a sweater, and then do so, in the time I have spent at card racks trying to find the least ineffective card in the damn store.
lawbot +0 -0
Yeah, I used to live in a town that had an independant greeting card store. I could just go in, pick the picture on the card, and write what I like.

No longer. No store, different town.
prius_chaser +0 -0
"Least ineffective" pretty much sums it up. Plus one for you.
rabbidpanda +5 -0
I'M SORRY I TURNED OUR ARGUMENT INTO A MILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY
Inside: I promise I won't do it again
theirateturk +0 -0
One thing I like to do is repeat the printed message in the card as my personal message to the recipient. Especially on communally signed cards at work (leaving/ having a baby etc.)
happy +2 -0
IF I WAS WRITING A CARD TO YOU I'D START "DEAR JERK"
hedonismbot +0 -0
What sort of store would you buy it at?
happy +0 -0
I buy everything I own from Spatula City
tekende +1 -0
JERK STORE! I'm sticking with JERK STORE!
hedonismbot +2 -0
CORRECT! You win an orgy with theirateturk's girlfriend!
tekende +3 -0
theirateturk's girlfriend is in a coma.
nice-on-water +1 -0
Well the life support machine called...

THAT'S IT!

Or are we done?
achilleselbow +2 -0
Getting fucked by the whole basketball team will do that to ya.
pogo +0 -0
She's got a basketball in her tummy now.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Hmmm

: inventory
You have nothing.

: look N
There is a girl in a coma

: bugger that girl
hamscout +0 -0
The girl is dark and unkempt. You are likely to be goatseed by a grue.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Goatseed sounds like the name of an awesome Norwegian black metal band.
kickstart +6 -0
Goatseed You! Gaping Asshole
tekende +0 -0
Vchubby!
farqussus +0 -0
seconded
aliiis +0 -0
I thought she didn't move around much
kickstart +0 -0
Baseketball? Nice =)
octafish +0 -0
I know, I know, its serious.
I hate Morrissey.
loneal +0 -0
No you don't. No one hates Morrissey. If a double decker bus crashed into you and Morrissey, to die by his side would be a heavenly way to die for you.
divot +0 -0
The pleasure, the privilege would be yours.
comrade_tom +0 -0
When in this charming car crash... this charming man.
juanclaudius +0 -0
I dunno. I hate Morrisey. Then again, two of my favorite artists are A Flock of Seagulls and Hawkwind...so maybe my taste isn't the most "hep" to all you "fly Richies."
tekende +0 -0
I love Morrissey. I'm outside his house right now.

The more he ignores me, the closer I get.
loneal +0 -0
You might get along with Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner.
tekende +0 -0
That would give us two things to talk about at least since we have the same first name.
invidious +0 -0
Quote:
CORRECT! You win an orgy with theirateturk's girlfriend!

Again?
steev_dayv +0 -0
I wonder if theirateturk forgives us all for being so brutal about his ex-girlfriend's infidelity because we are funny. I wonder this.
theirateturk +0 -0
You laugh because I am different but I laugh because you are all the same 8<
cromar +0 -0
That's deep man.
bixschmix +1 -0
So much so that I saw a morose fifth-grader wearing it on a shirt yesterday.
tekende +0 -0
What is that emoticon? A pair of legs with boobs?
whiteturtle +1 -0
A an old-timey movie camera?
theirateturk +0 -0
It's a sad face okay???/
tekende +2 -0
It's a pair of legs with boobs, but whatever.
No cookies for you.
invidious +0 -0
If it is, it'll be fattybeaver's icon before the end of the day.

(Disclaimer: I love fattybeaver's icons.)
achilleselbow +0 -0
Nah, you're thinking of his girlfriend.
tekende +0 -0
Heyo!
norrin +0 -0
They called, and they're out of you!
i_love_kate +0 -0
Out of chubbies already again? This is a sign of poor decision making on my part. Have a drubby.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Probably Spencer's Gifts, since they specialize in that kind of thing.

(ps i know that you wanted me to say the jerk store, but i didn't want to )
lateadopter +0 -0
Jerk.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Yeah...well...uh...you eat a lot of shrimp!
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
ugly, am i? well..well...so's my mother!!
farqussus +0 -0
wuuuubwubwubwubwub
nunziantte +1 -0
they have cards for "adult baptism."
which, as far as i'm concerned, suffices for any and all occasions.
neonaoneo +3 -0
Oh man, I totally read into 'adult baptism' in a wrongly sexual way.
quantumcasaba +3 -0
I read it in a correctly sexual way.
heccibiggs +0 -0
How? I cannot see how this works in any way.

But I have trouble disagreeing with anything you say, what with the Conchords looking at me like that, so, YEAH TELL ME ABOUT IT MAN.
pogo +0 -0
Bathed in the holy water of the sacred orifice? Or have you never been wet?
neonaoneo +0 -0
I am glad, this tells me you are an innocent young woman.

The Conchords would be proud
heccibiggs +0 -0
I just got it. Adult baptism.

I'm really really dumb today, sorry.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I interpreted it as referring to something that is often associated with Japan. I'm not sure if you're thinking of the same thing.
cromar +1 -1
Bukake :(
neonaoneo +0 -0
Way to spell it out
achilleselbow +0 -0
B-U-K-K-A-K-E
neonaoneo +0 -0
Way to spell it out correctly

V-chub
lawbot +0 -0
...and Achilleselbow is winning the Adult Spelling be contest. You could almost say his lead is... invicible!
tekende +0 -0
Vchub if that was intentional (but up yours if not).
thorfinn +0 -0
Golden showers. fin.
steev_dayv +0 -0
When I think of basptist sexuality, I think of the awkward type of dancing that is often done at dances in highschool.
hedonismbot +0 -0
Oh God, should I explain it to her? This is awkward. My wife would be furious. Maybe I should point you at certain Japanese, um, adult websites
bixschmix +6 -0
The man with the "Fuckin'" avatar is afraid of Internet-based sexual awkwardness.
aliiis +0 -0
My brother found (and obviously bought) a card that says 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO MY DOG '. Yep.
He gave it to my sister for her birthday, classic.
sidecar +2 -0
Add another 'G' to DOG and it becomes correct Beef-slang!
lawbot +0 -0
He is the voice of the common man (cat).

(Mancat.)
maximus +0 -0
I'M SORRY THAT I HARDLY EVER USE ANY PUNCTUATION

Actually, Beef could just copy everything from his tshirt collection to cards
lastlarf +7 -0
It is impossible to have a good day
without you.
tekende +0 -0
A comment left by tekende was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by NeoNaoNeo, hedonismbot, EM2, atticusonline, likeiwassaying)
maximus +0 -0
why you got to hate on the good emotions, man?
hamscout +0 -0
Intimate things, Mitch...
..oral and whatnot...
lastlarf +0 -0
tekende, I don't know if I should chubby this because it was funny, or lame it because of the 4chan connections.
tekende +0 -0
I'm barely even aware of what 4chan is. This image is quite popular all over the internet.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Or alternatively, this has been certifiably established in the time it took me to hit the reply button. (25 minutes)
tekende +0 -0
That was really confusing for a minute. heh.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Tekende does not know about 4chan. This has been tenuously established.
whiteturtle +1 -0
I initially misread that as "It is impossible to have a good day inside you."
lateadopter +0 -0
You're not theirateturk, are you?
whiteturtle +6 -0
I was going to respond to this post, but I got bored halfway through and just put my whole hand into an ass instead.
pogo +0 -0
It got my attention, so I yanked by hand out so I could type. Shit, my poor keyboard, I need some of Spiney's spray-on deodorant!
theirateturk +1 -0
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW NAZI GERMANY STARTED
autrepoupee +0 -0
awwwwww~~ that could so easily be a real card. a real adorable card! as long as they didn't put any really sappy image on the front, like those terrible bug-eyed cartoon ghost-sack people all the goth teens love these days.
heccibiggs +21 -0
[IMGS OFF]

Obviously I mean it because of the effort I went to.
pogo +0 -0
You've outdone yourself, Higgs. Good show.
lawbot +0 -0
Now I understand what kind of name heccibiggs is, and I feel stupid.

Feels stupid, is stupid!
heccibiggs +0 -0
What did you think it was?
lawbot +0 -0
I was always like "Hecci...what the hell is that short for? Hebecca?"
loneal +0 -0
The Portuguese pronunciation.
heccibiggs +0 -0
By that logic, it would actually be Rehecca.

But you still made me laugh quite a lot.
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
Is it pronounced Becky or Bessie? This has been bugging me for some reason.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Becky. It's short for Rebecca. I was originally Becky, but I changed the spelling when I was like ten years old because I was so sick of having the same name as like a million other people I knew (this is still the case.)

The thing is, as I've gotten older I've grown to hate it when people spell their names in stupid way. This makes me a raging hypocrite, but I'm so used to my own spelling of it that I can't imagine going back to spelling it the normal way. It freaks me out when people spell it like that. So I'm stuck.
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
Thanks, no way you can spell Dale differently. But I've only met one other person with that name so I'm good.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Dayle. Dail. Dael. S'easy.
professorhazard +0 -0
All this time I thought your name was "Hecci" (pronounced "hecksy"). It's quite an original name, and calls to mind the number six.
rabbidpanda +0 -0
I worked with a dude over the summer who was married to a Becci. He was a cool dude, so I can only imagine she was a cool gal.

That same office employed a Sherry Bailey. I was glad to find out after a few weeks that I wasn't the only one who had this overwhelming desire to walk in and sing the Four Season's song of the same name.
falseprophet +0 -0
Um, yeah, it is a username .

I mean, like, duh.

Update: Okay, now I am actually wondering what kind of name heccibiggs is. pogo and lawbot have raised more questions then they have answered.
falseprophet +0 -0
Update Update: Oh wait, is your Real Life Name Becci Higgs? Because if it is, man is that obvious!
catgrl131 +1 -0
Shit, man! Thanks for revealing a chick's identity on the internet! You know what kind of things lurk here? Do ya?
falseprophet +0 -0
Well, catgrls, for one thing. They are dan. ger. ous.

Now I just have to figure out what the hell kind of name Becci is.
heccibiggs +0 -0
It's short for Rebecca. Gaaawwd. My name has never been discussed so much in one place ever in my life. I'm sure there wasn't even this much to-do about it when I was born.
irondave +0 -0
[Outside]Baby, we're sorry about discussing your name everywhere...
[Inside]When the new strip posts it will all be OK
i_love_kate +0 -0
I'm guessing it's short for Rebecca, personally.
tekende +0 -0
People, her name is in her profile, so I doubt she's terribly concerned about keeping it private.

That being said, let's all go stalk her and steal her identity.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Is it in my profile? Oh, you're right, it is. You probably could steal my identity from my Facebook page. If you live in London and only if you live in London.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I lived in London for five years. So I'm taking this as permission.
pogo +1 -0
No real assets, no credit cards, shit man, her I.D. ain't worth stealing.
tekende +0 -0
She has assets. My thoughts on many of her assets have been pro, in fact.

I originally meant that in the non-dirty sense, but now I will mean it both ways (insofar as I can (not much)).
heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh, tekende, you sly dog.
autrepoupee +3 -0
[IMGS OFF]

I always figured it was the feminine for Hecubus.
davey-boy +0 -0
Chubby for a KITH reference that didn't bother the hell out of me.
divot +0 -0
Oh man, the Kids in the Hall were such a vital part of my childhood.
rabbidpanda +0 -0
Being on a college campus, I see a bicycle with its front wheel stolen roughly every seven seconds, which means I spend a lot of time thinking of Bruce McCulluch's Open Letter to the Guy Who Stole his Bike Wheel.
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
Would that be Maynooth? I see so many of those dang things around here. People really dont give a shit about their bikes.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Correct me if I'm wrong: I always thought a lot of those bikes missing front wheels were missing them on purpose. I used to know cyclists living in a city that would always detach their front will and bring it with them into whatever building they were going into (if it was for prolonged period of time), so that no one would steal their bike.
irondave +0 -0
You may be almost right: If you have a quick-release hubs and don't lock both wheels to a stationary object, you are asking to have the unlocked one stolen. Some cyclists will lock one to the rack and bring the other one with (usually the front) because that may be easier than locking both. And then, some of the bikes you are seeing belong to people who forgot to do that, and the wheel is stolen.
rabbidpanda +0 -0
Rabbi D. Panda's Flowchart for Determing Why the Front Wheel is Missing.

Is the bike nice? ----it's a Huffy-----> Stolen
|
|
It's nice
v
Taken to prevent theft.

More fun are the inverse examples, where you just see a bike rack with a single wheel locked to it.
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
Yeah, that shows some serious skill, chubby.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh, man, I was feeling all glowy but suddenly feel like I'm cheating you all out of your chubbies - I didn't design that chick, I just got an image off Google. [url=https://images.google.co.uk/images?um=1&hl=en&rlz=1T4PBEA_en-GBGB227GB228&q=ruby gloom&btnG=Search Images]See?[/url]

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought others would be as familar with Ruby Gloom as I am. She adorned many of my t-shirts from the ages of 13 to 16.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Uhh what why didn't my BB work. Well, here.
cromar +0 -0
I'm sure every appreciates it nonetheless...
steev_dayv +0 -0
yes...my sister used to wear ruby gloom. Now she wears ruby grapefruit. Delish.
achilleselbow +0 -0
And then you wonder why you only attract goths and metalheads...
heccibiggs +0 -0
I said 13 to 16! I'm now 19 and my tastes have become a lot more indie/alternative. A lot less red and black and a lot more earth colours. A lot more earth colours. My friends all make fun of me because like my entire wardrobe is brown, green and yellow.
tekende +1 -0
Dude, I'm all about earth tones too. I used to be goth and wore almost nothing but black. Now I wear lots of greens and browns. Not really any yellow though.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Im total hippy these days. Im almost ashamed of the number of tie-dyed clothes I have.
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
Open check overshirts over achewood clothing with corduroy pants or khakis and my blue shoes.
I made a shirt when I was a kid with a beetle on the front of a plain white shirt. It was HUGE. Pity I lost it, oh and made tie-dye as well. That was the coolest thing when you were a kid.
lawbot +0 -0
We should have a club.

Wait...is it a coincidence that we use an earth-toned forumn?
irondave +0 -0
What earth-tone are we saying new-comment yellow is? Daffodils? Industrial waste?
lawbot +0 -0
Dafs. Word.
achilleselbow +0 -0
My life pretty much follows the same trajectory, but once a goth, always a goth. Your love of Bauhaus and Bella Morte will show through your no-longer pale skin.
tekende +0 -0
Hell yes I love me some Bauhaus. Not so much Bella Morte though. But yes. Bauhaus. Sisters of Mercy. Siouxsie and the Banshees. The Cure.

Alas, I was never as pale as I wanted to be. Had a roommate once though, she was so pale she was almost blue, you know? Beautiful.
cromar +0 -0
I keep reading "Bauhaus" as " International Style ."
irondave +1 -0
All those kids at the mall with the black clothes and the makeup are BIG Mies enthusiasts. To Authority
juanclaudius +0 -0
I made the move from black to earth, but along the way picked up some ideas from the "ridiculously bright" bandwagon. Earth tones mixed with ultrabright pinks and greens are becoming pretty super common up here in the Northwest...
Bike punks and art punks collide up here, and drink Pabst to In on the Kill Taker. What results, somehow, is a culture of hippie/artist/punk philosophies with strong overtones of party, and either no guitars or too many drummers. The Pacific Nothwest has evolved beyond its own black period of superheavy, overwack grunge, into an era of absolute weird. I am glad to live in such a time.
achilleselbow +0 -0
Is all of Achewood just a huge ex-goth convention or what?
farqussus +0 -0
or what. Or I'm leaving.
pityparty +0 -0
I went straight from goth to polo shirts and khaki shorts. I still convulse to Bela Lugosi's Dead, however.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Ya'll some goths.
johnnyrocker +1 -0
I wear a lot of black but that is not for goth-hood that is for Johnny Cash .
falseprophet +3 -0
... And with that, achilleselbow turned and dropped the bouquet of flowers and the wallet with a chain attached to it he'd just bought at HotTopic into the trash, and walked back to the train station, the cold rain darkening his trenchcoat until it was the color of his soul ...
davey-boy +0 -0
How does he write women so well?
autrepoupee +0 -0
swoon swoon! heartwarming to the very cockles!
autrepoupee +7 -0
oh and this is the specific style of bug-eyed teen fad I was talking about, but I can't find any of the pictures for the life of me. My own interpretation and a response card as follows:
[IMGS OFF]
aliiis +0 -0
Oh oh how can I have run out of chubbies life is so cruel.
I want to chubby this whole lovely fluffy card-giving section of comments. I love this whole bit, seriously. I love the sincerity. I love the phrase 'terrible bug-eyed cartoon ghost-sack people' and I love the oh-so-perfect illustrations thereof. I guess what I want to say here is... I LOVE YOU GUYS.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Ohhh I love you. Yours is better than mine because you actually made it.
cromar +0 -0
This is hella eerily awesome.
thegoodwillgirl +0 -0
Ohhh.

This?
[IMGS OFF]
autrepoupee +0 -0
AUGH you got it! I was desperately searching all possible keywords, "big eyes" "ghost people" "teens" "goth myspace layout" "sappy sentimentality y2k8 style", to no avail. Thank you!
heccibiggs +1 -0
God. I went on a site with a whole gallery of them. And people can make comments . It's vile.

[IMGS OFF]

"so hard but so true"
"this si how I feel about my bf!! absoltley"
"this one is cute and is tells us that if you go to heaven it can be bad without the one you love especially because how sad pon is right now and he just misses zi like you can't believe plus pon is always the sweet one and zi is mean most of the time"

(There two of the little character things and they're called Pon and Zi, by the way.)
heccibiggs +0 -0
Ahh shit I got boned for hotlinking. Well, this is the one I was trying to show.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Getting boned is awesome. Congrats.
kickstart +1 -0
"I lost a brother that way
I'd weep for the future but then I'd be playing right into their little flipperhands, becoming an emo crybaby.
rogergs +22 -0
This is just to say
I have drank up the Red Bull
that was
in the icebox

and now
I will probably be dead
before breakfast
quantumcasaba +0 -0
[b]I'm sorry that I've already ran out of chubbies for this page. I know not how, as I did not give many.
(inside)
This comment is truly wonderful. WE SHOUD PARTY
quantumcasaba +1 -0
I'm doubly sorry that I can't utilize assetbar to the (dubious) best of its abilities.
d3athcann0n +0 -0
problem is you just utilized it properly
brian +0 -0
William Carlos Williams is a dude who'd drink your Red Bull, write you a greeting card with his most sincere apologies and if he survives a long evening of night sweats do it again without giving a shit that you might have a hankering for Jagerbombs.
whiteturtle +5 -0
So much depends on a half empty can of Diet Red Bull on the floor of a gay night club.
usversusthem +1 -0
Toe and heel, heel and toe
He felt as if he had
Been dancing

at a gay night club.
bixschmix +0 -0
You'd find him passed out in a red wheelbarrow in the yard. By the chickens.
juanclaudius +0 -0
I know nothing of William Carlos Williams, except that some friends have a band called Carlos William Carloses. This amuses me to no end, and must be taught in schools.
tekende +0 -0
That is pretty great.
pogo +0 -0
Don't get our hopes up.
kickstart +1 -0
I ran out of chubs so I will give you some cold delicious plums
dickie_roxx +0 -0
Oh man. After spending way too much of yesterday doing not enough, I owe somebody one of these. It would be not exactly, but along the lines of:
SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU CAUSE IT WAS HEAVY.
ineightwalls +0 -0
cards with content already on the inside are bullshit. this isssue has not gotten enough attention. hopefully now i can start a club with like-minded individuals concerning this topic.

we can have polo-shirts stating our intentions.
obtree +0 -0
I like how there is a section for 'I'm your new grandfather'. If I saw that in a store I would buy it just for kicks. Also I am attracted to 60 year old women.
pogo +1 -0
Me too, oh wait, I'm 59!
obtree +0 -0
I'm sorry you had to find out this way
(inside)I'm banging your grandma.
cantilever +0 -0
Oh man I just tried to imagine my dad (59) reading achewood and it didn't work. Chubby for being my dad's age?
pogo +0 -0
Thanks. I'm not like most dads my age, not was I like most kids my age. I have a humor gene that will never grow up, I guess. Sort of like Steve Allen.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Jesus, pogo, we see that you are old. We see it . You don't gotta go and mention Steve Allen. Why would you go and do that.
pogo +0 -0
I gotta give respect to the Allen man, he's my daddy, got me through high school, all watchin' late at night. Schmok, schmok.

[IMGS OFF]
pogo +0 -0
I failed in trying to post:
www.steve-allen.com/steveallen.gif
matthew +0 -0
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I AM Roast Beef. This is EXACTLY what I hate when I go to purchase cards for occassions.

Also the whole depression thing, that's me too.
i_love_kate +1 -0
Can we begin with the hypotheses as to what Roast Beef said to Molly which warranted the apology? My personal guess is

"Look woman you had better appreciate if I was not here then you would have lost everyone that you love several centuries in the past"
quantumcasaba +4 -0
"Why in hell you gotta spend 800 clams on a wedding dress You know they got nice dresses and such as white pumps at a thrift store"
liquid_banjo +0 -0

I'm wondering what he said/did to Molly.

i_love_kate +0 -1
Ha ha, my post is higher than yours. Chubby for having exactly the same thought to me at roughly the same time, though.
meddle +1 -0
card territory is actually a vast 'boring place' subsuming bead shops and small-scale farmers' markets
cromar +0 -0
Hrmph. "Subsume" is a neat word. I miss the farmers' markets...
fineoakstructure +0 -0
I worked at an independent record store in college that was part of a series of interconnected "artsy" boutiques all in the same building. One side had the record store, at the other end was a nice book store, and sandwiched in between: a bead shop and a hippie-style card/gift shop. Luckily the clientele didn't mix too heavily.
mira +0 -0
Congratulations!

You have found THE..MOST..BORING..PLACE!
fineoakstructure +0 -0
It really was. Especially the bead shop. It was just horrible, horrible. The smell, the people, the beads . Just shelf after shelf, bin after bin of endless, boring, indistinguishable beads.

I would had to do inventory at that store.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
"I would hate to do inventory at that store"

Oops.
mira +0 -0
Man I do beading and I still find bead stores extremely boring
there just isn't much interesting about beads
lawbot +0 -0
If you go to downtown DC you'll find a disused store (not far from the National Gallery) called Bead Museum. I could have told them this was not a good business model.
professorhazard +0 -0
Looks like Beef picked the wrong moment to inform Molly about the sale at the Bitch Supplies store.
whiteturtle +1 -0
YOU SHOULD GO THERE
dammit-woman +0 -0
Dude, I WORK for a greeting card company (very much not a Hallmark-y one) and I think these are hilarious. I'm debating forwarding this to my boss.
em2 +0 -0
Contact Onstad and get an Achewood licensing deal!
Merchandising!
maximus +1 -0
It'd be like R Crumb in reverse!
cromar +0 -0
[img=https://www.stat.pitt.edu/stoffer/comicsmom.jpg]

Sorry for being such a crap mom! I need $200 bail.
cromar +0 -0
Oh poop.
[IMGS OFF]
varnish +1 -0
Life is an apology to be made at a later date.
slackojones +27 -1
[IMGS OFF]
i_love_kate +0 -0
My feelings on this asset are cautiously neutral.
em2 +2 -0
Excellent!

Also: Thank you for making me look up numismatic. O! What learning is.

wotown +0 -0
Agreed. I had to visit m-w.com before I even scrolled further.
neonaoneo +0 -0
How upsetting this comment is so far down and so wont get the chubbies it deserves
gormster +0 -0
Okay, so, xkcd made me do it.

'restricted ass-entry'
envika +0 -0
i'm not quite sure what this is here for but i'ma chubby it til my pants rip
irondave +0 -0
So happy to see the return of "dammit woman".
daidai +3 -0
I'm Sorry I Told You I Am Incabable of Finding a Pregnant Woman Attractive

(inside)

I'm Sure You'll Still Be Pretty
tekende +0 -0
My goodness! Already mining dark veins in the service of you craft.
tekende +0 -0
*youR craft*

Fuckshitass
daidai +0 -0
Yeah, and I'd totally have a section for moms too.

I Didn't Mean It When I Told You I Wouldn't Come Back After College
pogo +0 -0
I do that typo so often I don't even care any more.
spinynorman +0 -0
I can't read that typo without hearing a Russian accent.
pogo +0 -0
Or perhaps a YOU-kraine accent.
hellofditties +0 -0
Did I just bring this up to a 4.7?

[i]OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT{/i]
hellofditties +0 -0
Oh. Shit.
daidai +0 -0
It was a 4.7 when I rated it. Which was 7 minutes ago.

So NO
hellofditties +0 -0
Why do you want to hurt me, daidai?
daidai +4 -0
I'm Sorry I Was Rude On AssetBar

hamscout +6 -0
{inside} The message inside was lamed too many times, and was excluded.
whiteturtle +0 -0
I give you a chubby
snoozebar +0 -0
Virtua-Chubby.
heccibiggs +0 -0
The quality of the comments today is pretty dang high, guys. Thanks.

(I am geniunely grateful. Received some bad news about an hour ago and you guys really cheered me up.)
rabbidpanda +0 -0
I'M SORRY I HAVE NOTHING HUMOROUS TO CONTRIBUTE AFTER YOU GOT BAD NEWS
and also for being kinda meta
iseedeadpixels +3 -0
Sorry I did nothing except piggyback on this comment
hedonismbot +0 -0
(outside)I'm sorry you have been having a bad day and seek happiness with us.

(inside) Here, have a basketball team and an adult baptism.

(Also, I'm sorry I don't know BBCode to boldface or italicize. I would have learned it for this comment if I knew you better or you didn't wear those ridiculous shoes)

(outside) I'm sorry I insulted your clown shoes to the whole internet...
rabbidpanda +0 -1
She got those shoes from Michael J. Fox, Mr. Acid Tongue .
steev_dayv +0 -0
Someone is a 4chan enthusiast I see.
rabbidpanda +0 -1
Only insofar as the whores they arrest on COPS are meth enthusiasts.
steev_dayv +0 -0
/b/tard?
johnnyrocker +1 -0
I don't get which part of that conversation had to do with 4chan. Explain?
iseedeadpixels +0 -0
What the hell is 4chan, i don't understand.
cromar +0 -0
4chan is an unmoderated forum with several different categories of "discussion." Be afraid, but not too afraid.
pogo +0 -0
All out of chubbies, hedonismbot, so here's a Vchub. (Also, BBcode uses brackets and is simple to learn)
tekende +0 -0
The comments have been awesome today, I agree.

Also I hope things turn out okay with your bad news situation.
alreadyinuse +1 -0
what's the bad news heccibiggs? if it's something you don't want to talk about, could you just make something up instead to satiate my curio osity?

was your day like this?:

Well Frank settled down in the Valley
and he hung his wild years
on a nail that he drove through
his wife's forehead
he sold used office furniture
out there on San Fernando Road
and assumed a $30,000 loan
at 15 1/4% and put a downpayment
on a little two bedroom place
his wife was a spent peice of used jet trash
made good bloody marys
kept her mouth shut most of the time
had a little Chihuahua named Carlos
that had somekind of skin disease
and was totally blind
they had a thoroughly modern kitchen
self-cleaning oven (the whole bit)
Frank drove a little sedan
they were so happy
One night Frank was on his way home
from work, stopped at the liqour store
picked up a couple of Mickey's Big Mouths
drank 'em in the car on his way
to the Shell station, he got a gallon of
gas in a can, drove home, doused
everything in the house, torched it
parked across the street laughing
watching it burn, all Halloween
orange and chimney red then
Frank put on a top forty station
got on the Hollywood Freeway
headed north
Never could stand that dog
hamscout +0 -0
oh yes dogg totally
all "$29 and an alligator purse"
tekende +0 -0
Oh man VIRTUAL CHUBBY FOR YOU
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Did you just vChub yourself?
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Aw shit, ignore that. Fucking alreadyinuse's AVATAR.
heccibiggs +0 -0
No, he vChub'd alreadyinuse.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
vChub'd Tom Waits, technically...
tekende +0 -0
You scared me for a minute. I was like, oh my god, did I?

What a huge faux pas that would have been
achilleselbow +0 -0
How could you be so arrogant ?
maximus +0 -0
That is one of my favorite Tom Waits songs
juanclaudius +0 -0
Dang girl I have not been a heavy contributor on this or any day but if ever there was a time for a person to get a smile its during the sad times. That said, I'm hoping we continue on this upward slope, so one day the comments can be a glorious utopia free of moral hedonism or petty fiibuster.

[outside]I'm sorry I didn't really add to the discussion
[inside]also for not having a punchline
[back]i wish that you can have some nice meals someday
achilleselbow +0 -0
She doesn't really like...meals
cantilever +0 -0
(outside) dear heccibiggs
(inside) HUUUUUUUUUGS!
pogo +0 -0
Hope the badness of the news has faded, and I'm still curious about who your icon pictures, if you've gotten over the stalker phobia.
usversusthem +0 -0
I feel like the "Sorry About Yesterday" 7-pack could be used for a real interesting Dornheim-style leave. You know all expecting to do something terrible and then jetting once it has been done. Knowledge of one's faults is a curse, man, but at least it enables you to take advantage of economies of scale.
flazisismuss +1 -0
I just buy the blank cards with no text at all and confusing pictures. Then you can write in whatever you want. Anything goes well on a card with pictures of puppies.

Front: "I'm sorry that you take shit I say personally"
2d page: "I'm sorry that that was such a poor apology"
3d page: "No I'm not. Stop taking shit personally, I have nothing to apologize for."
ctrl_z +0 -0
Man, Beef sure hates the greeting card industry.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Those biceps express a great deal of emotion.
whiteturtle +0 -0
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

HEROES IN A HALFSHELL, TURTLE POWER
whiteturtle +0 -1
sorry, I just thought some music should accompany that avatar.
theirateturk +0 -0
In England it was

TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES

because use of the word NINJA would have been detrimental to developing young minds.
whiteturtle +1 -0
Though now we know that it is not ninjas, but small songbirds that lead to corruption.
farqussus +0 -0
it is people who think that the word ninja is the problem who are raping children in the head.
tekende +0 -0
Yes, ninja is not the problem, obviously the word they should have removed was "teenage." What were they thinking?
heccibiggs +0 -0
When they released the movie it was Ninja, though.
theirateturk +0 -2
If only the censors had the foresight to withdraw the movie in its entirety perhaps the world would be a happier place.
whiteturtle +0 -0
Pizza is radical
steev_dayv +0 -0
What would this mean for Corey Feldman?
thorfinn +0 -0
You take that back right now, theirateturk. I will put up with some of your bullshit, but I cannot stand idly by while you slander such a fine, fine film. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies are classics, classics I tell you.
lateadopter +0 -0
One of the times I laughed hardest at a movie was when that rat did his ninja training in his little cage beside his master.
steev_dayv +1 -0
The best part of that movie is when the foot clan kidnaps April O'neal and says, "We have a derivery for you Mrs. O'near" Classic.
loneal +0 -0
I'm afraid April's last name is O'Neill. But you've spelled it the way it should be spelled, so we're cool.
steev_dayv +0 -0
I was going to give you shit about your accute TMNT knowledge, but then I realized all the dumb shit that I know. We cool.
loneal +0 -0
My TMNT knowledge is moderate; my O'Neal knowledge is what's acute (see: my username). Shaquille and Patrice are in my family; April and Eugene are not. (This is ironic, because I am the tiniest tiny white girl.)
thorfinn +0 -0
When I was 7, I had a TMNT themed birthday party, complete with TMNT plates, cups, cake, candles, and a Pin the Pizza on the Turtle game. This would not normally be that funny, except for the fact that my sister, who is nine years older than me, has a birthday two weeks after mine, and we always had one large, unified family party for both birthdays, alternating who got to pick the theme every year, so my big sister got a TMNT-themed sweet 16 party.
thorfinn +0 -0
To any English majors/teachers who happen to read that last post: I'm sorry if all those comma splices caused you to suffer a cerebral hemorrhage.
theirateturk +0 -2
You know what, I didn't even watch the movie and it fucking sucked. Fuck you.
cromar +0 -0
I have to say, man, you have cracked hella fuck out of me today.

TMNT: The Movie was fucking boss, though.
theguitarhero +2 -0
(outside) I'M SORRY WE FUCKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

(inside) JUST KIDDING
Sincerly, THE BASKETBALL TEAM.
tekende +0 -0
vchub!
cromar +0 -1
From England.
To Ev'ryone Else.

Sorry for not trying hard enough to stop the rampant spread of "Pirates vs. Ninjas" jokes. You assholes... where were you?
andyfaewatford +0 -0
Oh my, I have just remembered the TMHT pizzas that Asda (and possibly other supermarkets, I don't know, we were poor and shopped at Asda) did! Michaelangelo's was a thin crust pizza (I say pizza, this is England in the early 90's, this is the kind of shit that Italians wouldn't feed to communist dogs) covered in chocolate spread and marshmallows .

The shit we'd eat if it's got a cartoon character on it...
heccibiggs +0 -0
The hell , I never had any Asda chocolate spread and marshmallow thin-crust pizza!!

Fucking parents shopping at motherfucking Sainsbury's...
andyfaewatford +0 -0
Well, I should hope that no self-respecting Sainsbury's-shopping parent would let their two year old eat a chocolate spread and marshmallow thin-crust pizza.

I mean, I must have been about nine or ten at the time, and you claim to be OH MY GOD I'M OLD!
lawbot +0 -0
Two things: There was an apple one, and it was really appallingly terrible.

Secondly, they were available at Sainsbury's.
andyfaewatford +0 -0
Possibly not as terrible as some of this stuff looks...
davey-boy +0 -0
Why find out?
lawbot +0 -0
Thanks, that's exactly the one I was looking for.
usversusthem +1 -0
Reaganomics!
thorfinn +1 -1
Giving rich people more money will help out poor people, because those rich people, who have heretofore been unwilling to part with any more of their wealth than they actually have to, will suddenly start paying their employees more, and the trickle-down effect is good for eveybody. That is a brilliant economic strategy if I've ever seen one.

How can we help poor people? I know! We'll give rich people more money, then they'll pass it on to poor people. How could this plan possibly fail!?!
tekende +1 -0
That's...you've got the idea behind trickle-down economics completely wrong.
thorfinn +1 -1
I drastically oversimplified the concept, but the basic concept is that the money would start at the top, through tax breaks to corporations and the like, and gradually make it's way down to the workers at the bottom of the ladder, benefitting everyone along the way. The reality, however, is that the "trickle-down" effect doesn't actually happen, because the money starts at the top and stays at the top, helping only the people at the top.
tekende +0 -1
Then explain why after the policy was put in place the economy improved, unemployment went down, and the standard of living for everyone improved.
achilleselbow +2 -0
Oh man tekende... you've absorbed more of the downsides to living in Oklahoma than I had previously thought.

If we get any further into this we will all be lamed into oblivion, but I'm not quite sure what you're referring to. Under Reagan the deficit increased threefold and immediately afterward there was a recession and increased unemployment. He sure did a great job closing all those mental hospitals though.
tekende +0 -0
Full disclosure: I am not a republican or a democrat.

I am also thinking it would be a good idea to not continue this.
i_love_kate +0 -0
I totally imagined that said in the voice of Richard Nixon.
scraggg +0 -0
"Full disclosure: [redacted]."
mortshire +1 -0
A-roo-roo-roo, Headless Body of Agnew.
comrade_tom +1 -0
dang man Richard Nixon is the msot Republican thing except Reagan popping a wheelie in in the pope mobile whilst toting a shotgun and saying "Gee if theres one thing i love more than being pro life, its Tax cuts!".

Note this takes place to the chorus of "Born in the USA" yet no-one in this tableux is aware of what that song actually means
irondave +0 -0
You spelled "tableaux" wrong, but otherwise your analysis is hella insightful and not the least bit superficial.
lawbot +0 -0
YES

You have won all of my vChubs
alreadyinuse +0 -0
*continues anyway*

trickle-down is stupid because it's a gross over-simplification that could only begin to have meaning in a large and complex context. You can argue for or against it, but either way, you're just diverting time and energy from any actually useful dialogue.
Shine, shine, a Roosevelt dime(5)
All the way to Baltimore and runnin' out of time
Salvation Army seemed to wind up in the hole
They all went to Heaven in a little row boat
achilleselbow +0 -0
Aw hell, it's late and I'm bored. You know, I used to think there was some merit in nonpartisanship, until Bush happened. Now it just seems like a willful pose. I mean hell, if we wanna split hairs, I'd go with anarcho-socialism or participatory eeconomics , but to some extent you already fall onto one side of the vulgar divide whether you acknowledge it or not. Anyway, all that aside, the last 8 years should have put the final nail in the coffin of Reaganomics. Enron and the subprime mortgage crisis were a direct result of deregulation, and now we're paying to bail out Bear Sterns. Seems like there's more sucking-up than trickling-down.

[insert requisite "hey you're entitled to your own opinion" platitude]
lawbot +0 -0
Really? Which rules if not abolished would have prevented people stealing shit, or giving poor people cheap mortgages?
achilleselbow +0 -0
Possibly this one and this one . But I'm not claiming expertise here.
lawbot +0 -0
Umm, no. Sarbanes-Oxley was passed *after* Enron. So that's not evidence of something being abolished and leading to people stealing things.

Now, the whole deal with securitisation means that the division between US deposit banks and US investment banks wouldn't have made a difference to the volume of lending, which appears to have been ultimately financed in large measure from abroad. Even if it hadn't been, securitisation would have been used by the deposit banks to earn money on origination. So that wouldn't have stopped them lending money cheaply to poor people.

In conclusion: fail.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
see this is exactly the kind of sophisticated and in-depth analysis that does any theory justice
irondave +0 -0
You're better at funny comments.
alreadyinuse +0 -0
Reganomics: Not a theory. Just a guess. Not even a hypothesis.
irondave +0 -0
No sale, pal. Some of us are old enough to remember the Carter administration.
tekende +0 -0
Okay there is one thing in your argument against Reagonomics that I do have to respond to though.

Quote:
Under Reagan the deficit increased threefold


Yes, but not directly because taxes were cut. Rather because spending was not cut. This is the same mistake the Bush administration made: you can't cut taxes and still keep spending the same amount (or more) of money you were spending before.

This problem has more to do with congress than whoever is president, though.
pogo +0 -0
You're right, tax collections increased after the Regan tax cuts were enacted, as they have under the Bush tax cuts. Controlling spending is what Congress fails to do, not the pres.
johnnyrocker +1 -0
Aw shit, somebody's a libertarian aren't they?
AREN'T THEY
tekende +0 -0
YES
tekende +0 -0
But I'm not the 9/11-Truther/conspiracy-theorist type.
comrade_tom +0 -0
I'm a leftie but i have a begrudging respect for libertarians, at least they acknowledge what they are, not like all these bullshit "Compassionate conservatism". There's fuck all compassionate about conservatism. you can get conservatives who happen to be compassionate, but if thats their primary aim theyre in the wrong business.

Plus PJ O'Rourke is a libertarian and he manages to put across the whole libertarian way in an interesting manner, he revels in the fact he could be seen to have completely and utterly "sold out", when he actually took his early politics to its logical conclusion.
maximus +0 -0
where's a good assetbar anti-political filter when you really need it?

//lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala (hands over ears)
lawbot +0 -0
I would have given you the first chubby I have given you in a long time, had I any. vChub, sir.
achilleselbow +0 -0
I was gonna give you a chubby for burying the hatchet, but it appears I also just ran out.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Lets also introduce crack as the new dangerous drug on the streets. You hear that hookers? You should definately not do crack.
usversusthem +0 -0
Dude it was just a Robot Chicken quote.
lawbot +0 -0
It sounds pretty good. After all, if rich people have so much money already, why would they bother hanging onto the extra scratch?
pogo +0 -0
People seem to forget that rich people spend their money, this employing poor people, or else invest it, this creating new companies that can employ poor people. The rich are not like that McSrooge duck, swimming in vaults of gold coins and jewels.
lawbot +0 -0
Ah but you forget...they do it in a way that causes them to profit. Now, because there are a bunch of poor people who don't have stuff, they are in pretty stiff competition for things like low-paid hourly jobs. Meanwhile, the rich are appropriating most of the value so created to their capital contribution. That's the thing about capitalism.
lawbot +0 -0
And feudalism. And mercantilism.
comrade_tom +0 -0
How ever so super of them!

shame the people being employed aren't usually the ones in their own country, and the employment happens to be sweatshop labour, other than that its just grand!
m3funkyb +0 -0
"I'm sorry I freaked out on Red Bull and made you call the doctor." That is classic, society actually NEEDS that card.
gumption +0 -0
stoned again. 5.
gladi8orrex +0 -0
A comment left by gladi8orrex was marked lame too many times and excluded. (marked lame by tekende, heccibiggs, _cheesekayke, snoozebar, d3athcann0n, bixschmix)
whiteturtle +0 -0
sweet jesus, rex has finally gone insane.
dapooka +0 -1
...

Finally?

...
whiteturtle +1 -0
How about:

"sweet jesus, rex has gone additionally insane"
maximus +1 -0
It's like in The Abyss when Ed Harris' character begins to freak out while descending into the depths and starts typing gobbledygook.
professorhazard +1 -0
l
o
v
e

w
i
f
e
achilleselbow +1 -0
Or in American Psycho when the ATM machine reads "feed me stray cats".
jollysaintpete +0 -0
i have got to read that again
cpnglxynchos +0 -0
..i'm fairly certain rex here is a regular who is conducting an experiment..or wants an excuse to speak improperly.
whiteturtle +0 -0
I can buy that: "wifefriend" is an awfully bizarre typo. A little too bizarre.
jadus +1 -0
I made a few fake hallmark cards once.
Cover :
BEE Well Soon!
Inside :
The fire burned away your face,
And my feelings for you,
It gutted your house,
I've met someone new,
Sorry I forgot I was cooking that toaster strudel while you were taking a nap.
mrfedora +0 -0
cover : I thought I saw my Magreaux dog.
[IMGS OFF]
inside : But it turned out to have been orchestrated by someone I hate.
{img}https://img518.imageshack.us/my.php?image=uhuhhq2.jpg[/img]
mrfedora +5 -0
cover:[IMGS OFF]
inside:[IMGS OFF]
theirateturk +0 -1
Chubby for top image. Lame for bottom.

theirateturk +0 -1
OOH OOH MY FIRST EVER "TOO MANY CHUBBIES" MESSAGE WHOA
whiteturtle +6 -0
Your girlfriend probably got that message on basketball player night.

HEY-O.

seriously, I am sorry that such a thing happened.
mrfedora +0 -0
yeah, i dropped the ball on that one. Sorry.
achilleselbow +0 -0
It seems that Assetbar hate for lolcats has now been magnified into a hatred for cats in general. This is the saddest thing.
chuvak +0 -0
I'M IN UR ASSETBAR HATIN' UR LOLCATZ
cromar +0 -1
[IMGS OFF]
theirateturk +0 -2
I've always hated cats. Fucking scavenger creatures that they are.

You know if you died a dog would mourn you but a cat would eat you face first.

Fuck them all.
theirateturk +0 -0
Furthermore, this hatred is compounded by the general lovey dovey attitude on the internet towards felines.
achilleselbow +0 -0
After your impending demise, I will make sure to let my kitten feast on your rotting face.
loneal +0 -0
Spoiler: You are reading a comic about cats.
theirateturk +0 -0
oh wow you totally got me my whole life is one big sham :(
hamscout +0 -0
...well, at least you got anal! *applause*
cantilever +0 -0
Is a hand up the bum anal though?
IS THAT SEXY THO
fineoakstructure +0 -0
$$$
theguitarhero +0 -0
DID A KITTEN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND TOO?
lawbot +0 -0
NO
pogo +0 -0
Wrong, dogs will eat your dead face long before a cat.
autrepoupee +0 -0
This is true. Any animal you project a loving personality onto would gladly eat your face Tuesday if you died today.
whiteturtle +1 -0
When a pet sees you it is like this:

"There is that large animal again, the one that produces food. I wonder if I will get a chance to kill it today. If not, at least it produces food."
lawbot +0 -0
Excellent.
lawbot +0 -1
vChub, especially for the bottom picture.
kickstart +0 -0
Serious cat got all smudgy somehow
heccibiggs +0 -0
Who would dress a dog as a giraffe.
i_love_kate +0 -0
Why would you think of that, though.
mrfedora +0 -0
Who wouldn't?
juanclaudius +0 -0
WHY FIND OUT
comrade_tom +0 -0
Hear the shocking truth $5 !
glitterbot +0 -0
seriously, these cards need to be made available for purchase. ASAP!
whiteturtle +0 -0
Thank you all for getting me through work today. You all owe my employer an afternoon.
agentstinky +0 -0
Poor Roast Beef...he can't even do something as fundamental as hate greeting card companies without having to deal with his deepest and most depressing issues.
lokier +0 -0
Yes, absolutely right down the middle perfect Achewood. Even the Alt text is almost nostalgic.
pravda +1 -0
I would just like to say that I have been reading Achewood for a good while, and as much as I love Onstad's work, I feel like this community adds a whole lot to it. It has been my pleasure to read all of your comments, hear your woes about assetbar, experience your chubbies, lames, hopes, and fears. I think I just said experience your chubbies. Regardless, I decided to participate in the discussion of this particular strip merely to express that yes this strip was great, but your comments on it have been some of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

I'm sorry that a story about theirateturk's girlfriend getting fucked by a basketball team can elicit strong sincere feelings from me.
eatmorekix +0 -0
you speak pravda , pravda.
flazisismuss +0 -0
That story brought a single tear to my eye. I feel like today's discussion was a healthier waste of my time and diversion from work than just reading baseball box scores all day.
steev_dayv +0 -0
Experience your chubbies. One of those sentences you adore for their context sensitivity.
juanclaudius +0 -0
I'm convinced the only improvement to the community would be a few posters who deconstruct the strip at a deeper level, like we had way back when. I recall some instances of dudes treating a specific strip with the care and observance usually reserved for Kafka or Hemingway, and when that was around my day always felt affirmed: I'm not the only one who sees literary genius here.

I don't know, I would be one such dude, but I'd like to get some college learnin' in first. Ah well...might as well go for it.
achilleselbow +3 -0
I think we have too much of that going on as it is, but that's just me. Unless you count retardo's "you're gay" 'analysis' of Onstad as some kind of Freudian deconstruction. Anyway, if you insist:

-Beef's deliberate commodification of his own stereotypical attitudes and utterances displays a self-awareness that borders on pastiche.
-His dismissive response to the activities "trashy white people" is predicated on his own insecurities at formerly being a member of that subclass and thus represents a distancing through reaction formation.
-Seriously, who the fuck reads the Drudge Report.

I'll be here all week, folks.
loneal +0 -0
Chubby for busting out the unnecessary English major vocab and psychobabble. Conversations with those two elements are among the most delicious, but only when those elements are entirely unnecessary.
maximus +0 -0
Double chubbied for not being about adolescent sex or poor people's names
juanclaudius +0 -0
achilleselbow comes in with the overzealous three-pointer and the crowd goes wild

dang, do you think anyone picked up on the sarcasm in my post? hell... i barely can.
randyleepublic +0 -0
First you need to grasp the foundation. Wodehouse. The supreme master of 20th century comedic writing. In some ways Onstad is beyond being in the footsteps of the master, but he still pays homage.
Just my $0.02.
comrade_tom +0 -0
Way back when?

For goodness sake, the assetbars not been up a year and the pioneer days are being bloody idolised.
professorhazard +0 -0
Hey, all I know is it didn't used to take an hour to read the comments.
fineoakstructure +0 -0
Yeah, but when you're killing time at work, that turns out to be a good thing.
tekende +0 -0
Just so.
andyfaewatford +0 -0
I remember those days fondly. Damn, I've got a pretty shitty computer and my browser claims it can't actually cope with the ammount of shit on the page anymore, like 2 out of 3 times. Still, I'm as guilty as anyone of just chucking my tuppence worth in on a conversation that has no relation at all to the strip. As I appear to be doing now.

I'm sorry, browser, for adding to the weight of shit you have to display all at once and making you make that angry noise at me. (Four pack)
comrade_tom +0 -0
Sure theres more people posting, but thats always going to ahppen with a thing like achewood, loads of people read it, have opinions on it and want to post them.

But come on people! save your nostalgia for something a little less lame and cliched than the whole "Man, this forum used to be great before the jerks got here".

suggestions for other ill considered nostalgias:
1.the 60's
2.college
3.the time before Al Gore got fat
4. or the most popular one in eastern europe: pre 1991!
lawbot +0 -0
Good topics:
1. When eating tofu wasn't political
2. The time when people didn't say super markets were evil, and that shitty little stores were great
3. Teletext
andyfaewatford +0 -0
Ahh, teletext. Whither went thou, my dear friend? This might be far too obscure, but I don't suppose anyone remembers the Paramount Comedy Channel's mailbag thing? It reminds me a lot of assetbar, really.

Just with only four colours. And an editor. And only being available to Sky subscribers in Britain. I could go on...

Also, I feel I should clarify my earlier comment. I wasn't complaining about people going off-topic and whatnot, just that my computer can't handle the sheer weight of comments. A complaint that seems pretty fucking pointless considering the facehandavicon saga that's just round the corner from this strip...
smugairle +0 -0
I remember, though it was just about to move online when I found it, so I never got to post. I think you can still see the last few posts if you have the right tv/setup. All I remember is that some of the posters had met up and later married.

I hope that they are honest with their children.
lawbot +0 -0
NO
pogo +0 -0
Actually, the oldest posts now say "One years old"
pogo +0 -0
Thanx, bra. Pass the kootchie from the left-hand side, mon.
keir +1 -0
I'm The Guy Who's Sorry - (inside) Plus I Suck At Nachos
I'm Sorry I Straight Up Said Ralph Fiennes Is Hell Of Ass
I'm Sorry I Didn't Eat All The Italian BMT You Made Me - (inside) But You Ain't Never Gonna Outshine Subway Come On Baby They Got Hella Chipotle
I'm Sorry I Said I Think About Impossible Tetris When We Snuggle Sometimes
mikeleffel2 +0 -0
yaaaaay beefmark cards
chuvak +0 -0
that is a perfect name.
redmasaki +0 -0
Mayostard.
pyromancer +0 -0
My sentiments exactly! I still choke up when thinking of that sad old man, a life wasted by inefficient slathering.
I also must contribute a bad naming: No one will believe it, but I swear it's true: An Iowa teenager several decades back, much in the news when the girl's basketball team made state, named Fonda Dicks.
eatmorekix +0 -0
man i need that "Sorry About Yesterday" seven-pack so bad. and i would probably use them all in seven days.
johnnyrocker +0 -0
What if there was a farmer who farms wigs ?
cycerin +0 -0
My friend's friend went to a kindergarten where there were two kids named Saddam and Hussein, respectively.
misterkoss +0 -0
I have a friend whose father is one of five brothers and all of their initials are KKK.
theirateturk +0 -0
I mean I can only admire such resourcefulness. I can't think of any name beginning with K other than Kevin. That's some creative fucken racism there.
theirateturk +0 -0
Kevin
Kelvin

I mean fuck there are no male names beginning with K
irondave +0 -0
Keith
Karl
Khithead

...are perhaps most basic names.
farqussus +0 -0
Keith
heccibiggs +0 -0
Uhh you'd need ten for all five brothers to have different first and middle names. Sooo...

Kevin.
Kelvin.
Kyle.
Karl.
Kris (I know a Kris).
Keith.
...At this point I gave up and went to BabyNames.com, and it gave me loads of weird shit. Sooo the final four names are
Kailas
Kaden
Kame
and my personal favourite, Kal-El.
tekende +0 -0
Nikolas Kage named his baby Kal-El.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Ahh I knew I'd heard something about someone naming a baby that recently!!
tekende +0 -0
I think it was actually the kid's middle name, or he had a normal middle name, or something like that, so he wouldn't have to actually go by the name Kal-El.

So at least Mr. Cage (who, by the way, chose his last name based on the comic book character Luke Cage, the Iron Fist) was sort of practical about it.
scraggg +1 -0
The man took every step necessary to ensure that his boy would lead a life free of ridicule, and undid it all with a single, terrible mistake.

[IMGS OFF]
tekende +0 -0
HAHAHAHA! Virtual chubby. That movie was awful.
envika +0 -0
bastardization of khalil most likely
lawbot +0 -0
Are you familiar with...western culture?
farqussus +0 -0
Kanye
misterkoss +0 -0
I don't remember all the names, but a number of them were obtained by using a K where there would normally be a C. So besides Kevin, Kyle, Keith, etc. there was also Kaleb, Kris, maybe a Konrad, etc. Which just made it more obviously intentional.
irondave +0 -0
German-speakers use that "K" non-ironically in a lot of instances. It's like they've got a different word for everything .
aliiis +0 -0
Kurt
tekende +0 -0
Kunt
tekende +0 -0
(That was not directed insultingly at aliiis)
whiteturtle +0 -0
Kock
fineoakstructure +1 -0
KLITS
tekende +0 -0
hee hee!
rabbidpanda +0 -0
Klymidia
achilleselbow +0 -0
I take issue with your misuse of the word "respectively". Respectively is only used to mean that the order of a list of names or descriptions should correspond to the order of a previously used list of names or descriptions. So it would only be used if you'd said something like "there was a kid with loose bowels and a kid who liked to chew on styrofoam - their names were Saddam and Hussein, respectively."
theirateturk +0 -0
Now wait just a goddamn minute you don't actually believe that my beau was defiled by a bunch of basketball playing ruffians?

It is important that this is clarified before further damage to my reputation.
hamscout +1 -0
{outside} I'm sorry I unwittingly convinced an entire online community that you were rogered by an entire basketball team
whiteturtle +0 -0
{inside} Thanks for the anal sex, though
hamscout +0 -0
{backside} Why yes, I would like some nachos...
tourach3 +0 -0
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO NAMED THEIR KID JAYLEN
mulatto baby, though
but they are certainly trashy
zhankfor +0 -0
Well, my friend is from Sweden. (Not lying.)
geordie +0 -0
Arriving way too late to read all the posts so apologies if this is already here somewhere. In the news here in the UK recently Mr and Mrs Peacock called their little treasure Andrew, Drew for short.
heccibiggs +0 -0
Oh God.
professorhazard +0 -0
The best thing that can happen to Young Peacock at this point involves a candlestick and the observatory.
kickstart +1 -0
[IMGS OFF]
greymantledwolf +2 -0
[IMGS OFF]
whiteturtle +0 -0
Ok, virtua-chubby for the strongest man in the world, despite the non-sequitor of the thing. You made me lol, and that is embarrassing at work.
farqussus +0 -0
drubbied.
spacedaddy +2 -0
yeah, im a bit late with the crazy names stories, but i knew a guy called qwertyuiop

sorry, i fell off my chair.

i meant dave
tekende +0 -0
This is either brilliant or completely stupid. I'm not yet sure which, but I'm leaning toward brilliant.

Ah, what the hell. Virtual chubby for you.
whiteturtle +0 -0
The text is too dense, but in just over 24 hours this is the 2nd most commented on strip. Please sign my petition for a memorial boulder in the city park:
whiteturtle +0 -0
"The text is too dense, so I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it." Just fucking sign the petition:
professorhazard +0 -0
I have become displeased to find that basically every new strip is becoming the most commented-on strip. It kind of devalues the term, if it ever, in fact, had any intrinsic value.

And no, I won't sign your petition. Fuck you, and stay the fuck out of everyone's way until you get a job where they give you a chair.

(I think you know what kind of Friday today is)
whiteturtle +0 -0
You have fallen into my trap! Ha HA! Do you see the colon at the end of my post? DO YOU SEE? It marks your downfall! Its presence means anything that follows it is, in fact, a signing of the petition! It is impossible to defeat it, even should the petition become lamed into oblivion! DEATH HERSELF CANNOT DEFEAT THIS REQUEST FOR PUBLIC ORDINANCE!
professorhazard +0 -0
I was just kidding. I find the idea of a memorial boulder in the city park both poignant and aesthetically pleasing.
achilleselbow +0 -0
It's almost as if...as if more people are reading Achewood with each passing day! I hate when people like the things I like. Let's all go congregate somewhere else, like the Home Depot customer support forum.
tekende +0 -0
Only if someone takes the handle Aerostwicechastened53.
professorhazard +0 -0
Let's not pretend that that gigantic thread up there about Richard Nixon or whatever is something that people actually want to read when they go to Acheworld.
pogo +0 -0
So far an 809-entry string in about 24 hours. Hope there's a new strip soon, or this thing will go platinum and we'll never find our way through it again.
pogo +0 -0
Correction: 832
envika +0 -0
873 including this comment
catgrl131 +1 -0
888
Yay palindromes!
mrfedora +0 -0
To keep current, I observe that this strip has been commented a number of times equal to the comment count at the bottom of the page. Gadzooks!
tragicone +0 -0
Man, I hava a second cousin named Jaylen. Does that mean I too... am white trash?
pogo +0 -0
Pretty close, but second cousin's can be pretty distant. Depends on whether you all live in the same holler or trailer park.
generalfunk +0 -0
genequagmire +0 -0
Is that the USA Today infographic font?