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American Graffiti Friday, May 21, 2010 • read strip Viewing 218 comments:

at this point it's unclear who is on acid

All that acid does is make you know what it would be like to be extremely old and looking through a kaleidoscope.

Acid makes you believe everything, all at once. Also noted: please refer to the Laws of I am High On Acid.

lurquilla, mayner, and the lawn-turd are all really good new characters and i hope they become main characters from now on like how ray got introduced a few months into the comic and then was immediately a main character (the turd appears to have died in that mower fire but i suggest it will mysteriously and unexplainedly come back like starbuck after she suicide-crashed on the one planet)

The turd is the Villain. The turd has Plans. The turd has Plans for Vengeance.

FOR SCIENCE!

for great justice.

MAY THE LIGHT SHINE FOREVER!

how can you tell if a turd has skin burns? give it an eyepatch

mexican magical realism lawnmower fire turd.

MY PASSWORD IS meow

Everyone is invited to make anonymous posts with me

That's odd.

NO-ONE CAN DEFEAT THE MIGHTY CRAIG

Hey man, who let this guy back in the building?

welcome back!
the rules have changed since you were here last, you'd better not have shoes on when you're walking on the new carpet in here young man.

Is it me that is being spoken to here? Tell me, 'fore I end it all!

No, it's sje46

Where?!

Chubbied on behalf of mouth-breathing Battlestar Galactica (2004 re-imagined series) fans everywhere!

Respect!

Unfortunately the BSG fanbase and I have had something of a falling-out over whether the last half-season was the best by far (it was) or whether it was a chaotic trainwreck that took the show in a completely oppositewards direction in order to avoid answering the viewers questions (it wasn't).

That's an odd way you have there of spelling "Lost"...

Nah Lost Season 6 is bullshit.* First four seasons are boss though.

* This is my opinion, not science.

You got 'opinion' and 'fact' switched there.

I am pleased that fewer people seem to be complaining about the Lost finale, even though it was only slightly better.

The trip you take is equal to the trip you make.

It also seems as though these two are related to Blister, what with the all-caps talkin' and such.

Little known internet fact* : All-caps talkin' is your go-to visual tell for ignorance.

Blister seemed pretty on to it, dude.

Basically he's the exception that proves the rule, in the old sense of you're wrong .

THINK ABOUT IT DUDE.

GUYS A DOUCHE

at this point we are all on acid

Acid is the new normal.

HAHAHA!

It has become abundantly clear: Onstad is on acid.

That would explain a few things, I suppose.

Experts say there will be more information available in the near future.

Then they will not be experts any more

There will always be experts, if for no other reason than to sift and winnow the Innernets.

I think the answer is obvious. -We- are all on acid.

Some ain%u2019t need to be on acid in order to have strange cares.

Dogs can smell your DNA. It smells like... guilt.

I can smell your mistakes. They smells like...repeatedly mashing the post button on a slow computer.

...said Tom Waits in his latest talkshow appearance.

I love the smell of guilt in the morning.. smells like victory.

Dogs can smell your DNA. It smells like... guilt.

Dogs can smell your DNA. It smells like... guilt.

Dogs can smell your DNA. It smells like... guilt.

Oh for the love of god.

"For the love of god, Assetbar!"

"Yes, replied Assetbar. For the love of god!"

You should have just retyped "Oh for the love of god."

would have been better.

"The macchiato, Montresor!"

The Amontillado, Fortunato!

{{Throw The Switch, Igor!}}


I don't mean to embarrass you but I am a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I could help you with that hump.


These folk have special Cares.

Hey man, if someone took a crap on my lawn I'd set the whole thing on fire, too.

My friend died in a fire after trying to burn a bear turd. Not funny.

not cool, not a good etc etc

strip.

(Comment rated 1 Chubbies and 42 Lames)

And so it begins.

way to take away our options, plummet

Fate is cruel.

Somehow, I don't think Mayner thought his clever plan all the way through.

What's there to think about when you're settin' shit on fire? This is why houses burn down.

And Taco Bells

Please. That's 'Tacos Bell'.

And Pizza Huts.

i like the combination pizza hut and taco bell on Jamaica avenue better because it has Wallpaper. makes it tastier.

Are you just referencing the thing or are you from the area? Because I grew up near said Ave. in Queens and tell everyone all the time.

referencing the thing. Wallpaper remix has tastier beats than the grungy original stuff. I come from Canada, born and raised.

I actually don't have a real fondness for neither pizza hut nor taco bell, and combining them - while convenient, i admit - does not improve them.

I myself prefer the original, not entirely sure why but there you go.

This'd weigh heavy on my conscience even if I were acid.

*On acid. Dammit all.

It's a moot point; if you were acid, you'd never do something so base.

Well, that would explain why his feelings on the strip are neutral.

Does that mean he's water?

He's not that nice.

pHffft its not like there's a litmus test for niceness

r u ok wit sum chublove lol

I don't know, dude. On acid people tend mostly amused to go bicycling or watch the paint on the walls and imagine the tiny life forms that live there. I don't think pooping on someone's lawn would be much of an option.*


* Unless you had an asshole trip sitter.

Yeah, Maynard is just using a generalized drug reference for people he feel are weird.

I do that except replace Acid with Meth.

... cryztal meth?

OH SHIT SON I NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

Maynard gets his information about drug fiends and other legal advice from a yellow book he got near the dried meats.

Holy fucking dang it is divine confluence of all that I love. Today's alt-text at long last brings Electric Six and Achewood into the same sphere. Fire at the...Taco Bell!

And I just played that song on the radio today! So awesome.

Yes. It has filled my heart with joy.

It is sensible that a lawn mower be on the lawn. None will dispute this. Mayner has thoroughly figured this one out.

From here, who knows what he can achieve.

Someone watched Donnieee Daarkooooo recently!!

I didn't know there was a breed of Southern silhouettes in these parts.

"Thoroughgood Briggs' southern silhouette theatre presents an all new programme of wonders and commotions!
The battle of gettysburg!
Golden days before the war of northern agression!
Two melonflies discuss the literature of Twain!
A rustic argument over the refuse of a drug addict!
All this and much, much more only at Barnum's curiousilleum in Birmingham Alabama!"

Too much CSI for Mayner.

Too much CSI for Mayner.

Too much too much CSI for Mayner.

Too much too much too much CSI for Mayner

Too much too much too much CSI for Mayner and no play makes mayner a dull boy.

too much CSI for Mayner's mom's balls

Far too much too much CSI jokes. OR ARE THERE? (Answer: yes)

what's this about your mom's balls?

i wish you'd stop with the "mom's balls" thing. it's so unfunny i feel embarrassed reading it.

women have balls, only, they're on the inside. ovaries or some such

yeah... sigh.

Some even got on the Mayner!

Agree with me, Assetbarbicans, that Grass King is the perfect name for a cut-rate lawnmower. You buy it at the BigLots! Home & Garden center, and the blade is plastic, with only a thin metal edge.

the adjectival form is 'Assetbarbarians."

While what you say is likely true(it is, indeed, the perfect name for a cut-rate lawnmower) there is a lesson to be learned here as well:

Never run over a lawn turd with a cut-rate lawn mower. Particularly if you have 'chernchillas what need you so' on the property.

It will result in a structure becoming engulfed in flames....and almost assuredly totally flambee your 'chernchillas.'


And by 'chernchillas' I, of course, mean 'Canadians.'

them chernchilla are dead

All they souls did get made into coats

uh what sort of accent are Mayner and Lurquilla supposed to have?

My guess: South Dakotan, specifically Yankton.

Broad Deep Southern parody, in my modest and awesome opining.

Looks like there'll be a few new faces down at the Transfer Station.

I believe you are being generous by describing a Transfer Station denizen as having a face at all.

"A few new horrendous, rigid masks of scarred and melted flesh that vaguely approximate faces" just doesn't have the same ring.

All tomorrow's parties are gone, all tomorrow's parties wemt, in the fire. None there will ever be pretty again.

there are numerous chinchilla mills scattered through the small towns of western pennsylvania. originally birthed by the fur coat industry, they are now just the saddest pet stores ever.

this is information.

I am too drunk to read this. Apparently, I think alcoholism is rad.

HahahA, the poop went pop with the mower gas fire. Teodore went poop after situation dire. Nice Peted wanted poop so he had to conspire. Taco bell was the sell but there was no buyer. No pants, no control - know smoke, know fire. AhahaH.

Precisely.

Reading this in Chubby Checker's voice made it for me.

Like snuggleguns ?

For a second I thought this entire thing was a palindrome, but then I saw it wasn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it is awesome .
Racecar is a good enough palindrome for me.

A man, a plan, a canal--the Panama Canal!

Nice Pete is exploiting the butterfly effect to take care of this Math teacher. That's just karma.

!!!

I have taken a naked shit in the middle of the night in someone's grass on acid. This comic is kind of scary for me.

We know who you are now.

.

where am I needed?

.

You're the hero Gotham needs, but not the one it wants.

Nice Pete will return, expecting a still-shaken but freshly-unburdened Teodor.
Nice Pete will find an Inferno.
Nice Pete will suddenly have Respect for Teodor.
Nice Pete may never Fuck with Teodor again.

music: Ballad of the Chernchillas

More likely scenario:

Cops show up to investigate arson.
Chinchilla Ranchers report Teodor
Joint animal control/child protective services team removes Phillipe from Teodor's care.

Todd's parents?

Looks like somebody woke up and decided he wanted to write ten frames of dialect. It's like goddamn Tennessee Williams up in this.

Well whoever you are, I have always depended upon the low standards of my audience.

Maybe he shouldn't have let a trail of gasoline back to his house, maybe that wasn't a good idea.

I THINK THE TANK SPURTED!

Some even got on the mayor!

That's what she said

Mayner speaks the truth. There's some stink you cain't never wash 'way.

Your mom should know.

dirty sanchez.

Man, that fire's gonna spread quick, what with all those combustible chinchillas. Mind you with Mayner & Lurquilla looking like some kind of underling demons, they should feel right at home.

Oh my God. Nice Pete's at it again.
Teodor riding shotgun as accessory.

OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT!!

Nice Pete kills people even when he is not trying to kill people.

I am now convinced that the math teacher is just a mass of chinchillas which semi-resemble a human/cat/whatever species a teacher would be.

so who was Michael, that he had sex with such a thing?

another chinchilla conglomerate. lets not get too freaky with this sex fantasy... one species only.

There are two species of Chinchilla

Do hicks free base chinchillas?

Because stupidity is always funny, and talking differently is always funny. What is this, Li'l Abner circa 1972?

There are some universal constants that can weather your scorn. The Marx Brothers lived and died by the stupidity/ talking funny equation.

Law of Humor #1: Stupid is funny, but only if you're not too stupid (and are basically mean and Germanic),

Mayner is smart enough to sense a lawsuit and hurdles along the way. He is smarter than I will ever be in his own way.

Mayner is meth-savvy.
Which is to say there's a mini-blitzkrieg lightshow going on in his poor brain, all circuits frying, neural fuses blowing.
What he did torching the lawnmower is basically what is going on behind his eyes.

And the house's catching fire was the logical conclusion to that thought path.

A butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, we get a hurricane off the coast of Florida. A naked bear poops on a lawn, we get a fire that consumes all the baby chinchillas.

ALL of the baby chinchillas?

SO MANY CHINCHILLAS!!

OVER NINE THOUSAND BABY CHINCHILLAS!

SUDDENLY, CHINCHILLAS!

THOUSANDS OF THEM!

101 CHINCHILLAS: they make a worse movie than dalmatians

Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings
We all got to answer that bell
That big bell gonna come ringin'
And send the chinchillas to Hell

Something tells me that wasn't the first mower to burn on that lawn, nor will it be the last.

ILLEGAL CHINCHILLAS.

Do Lurquilla and Mayner have some sort of telekinesis to move objects outside their home?

When you do enough acid you are capable of telekinesis

Ah! This is political commentary, no?

Mayner's all-consuming fear of the federal government says Tea Party, but his decision not to shoot an unarmed intruder on his lawn says maybe not.

Goes to show.

That the Teabaggers are mostly bark and no bite?

Yep, makes sense.

It looks like I've angered me a teabagger.

Oh dear!

no, you angered a dog...

A BAYBEE CHERNCHILLA



Possibly the most honest and accurate description I have heard.

... of a low dose of acid

.

.

( )Fill my Pie( )

.

.

...is that LISP?

Did anyone else think Maynord meant "Tarantula" until the tooltip? Like, CHERN-chi-LLA?

Anyone else like it better that way?

I did not think this but I wish I had.

What hath Téodor wrought

JUST SO AS YOU KNOWS, ME AND MAYNER AIN'T GOT NO ACCENTS, WE AIN'T FOREIGN, WE ARE FROM GRESHAM AND WE LOVE JESUS. THIS STRIP AIN'T FUNNY NEITHER, IT AIN'T RIGHT TO LAFF AT OTHER'S MISFORTUNES.

Gresham gets slammed again. Courtney Taylor-Taylor, is that you? Just kidding, I hold no deep love for Gresham. Slam away.

LADY YOUR HOUSE IS ON FARR.

theys wemt in it

all souls did burn

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You may use the above link to automatically read multiple strips, thereby allowing your new assetbar account to make as many comments as you like. (New assetbar accounts aren't allowed to make multiple comments until they've "read" an ungodly number of strips.)

If you can't read the Achewood archive in about a weekend, you're not trying hard enough

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Lurquilla: "Mayner?"
Lurquilla: "Poopies?"

Trouble Man: "They's wemt, in the fire"
Trouble Man: "All turds was taken then"
Trouble Man: "All doodies did burn"

Are these Pete's kinfolk, mayhap?

No matter what the intent, when Nice Pete Leaves The house, People Die.

This may be the most fucked-up Achewood arc of all time.

The transfer station?
The Secret Ice Cream Factory?
The original Cartilage head arc?

don't be an asshole

Telling an Assetbarbarian not to be an asshole is like telling them not to breathe for a few hours

it begins.

yeah i tell people to go die all the time too

Just helpful sugestions, I honestly don't have an opinion about whether those arcs are more fucked up, its a pretty close contest to call.

yeah... that's a pretty hard crown to claim. i think naked, bloody teodor would have to like revenge-rail nice pete on a pile of skinned chernchillas before we could discuss this arc as a serious contender.

That turd is in fact Mr Teal

Hey man, Teal'c is my people. Don't you call him a turd.

Nice Pete has become a much more subtle assassin.

In other news, my daughter was born on 22nd May!!

Congratulations! :)

Awesome. Have a chubby.

if there was a fire at the chinchilla mill, would Lassie go get help of just have a blast catching all the running rodents?

Lassie would herd the burning rodents across the lawn so that via selective burning of portions of the lawn it was spelled in the grass in giant letters visible from the air: "BARK BARK"

damn that dog is so smart

Someone told me that the dog which played Lassie was a boy. That was when I realised I was gay.

Man, get back in the damn closet and think that shit through.

Hey, it's like Squeeze said:
Cool for Cats,
Gay for Dogs.

That... accent, it's like William Faulkner, Erskine Caldwell, and Tennessee Williams all impregnated Flannery O'Connor and created Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito twins, and then the Danny DeVito twin impregnated Carson McCullers, and they had a retarded southern baby.

How did you miss Eudora Welty? I ask you.

SIR, MISTER OCATFISH, YOU MAKE US OUT LIKE WE IS FORNICATING IN A CLUMP. NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ALL YOU GET UP TO BUT IN MY FAMILY, WE FORNICATE IN TWOS AND ONLY A FEW TIMES IN THREES. THE THREES WERE ALL DUE TO DRINK AND CURIOUSITY AND WHAT-ALL BUT THE GOOD LORD FORGIVES, MOSTLY.

LURQUILLA DONT YOU BE TALKING TO THEM IN-TER-NET PEOPLE AN GETTING THEM OUT OF SORTS OR THEY WILL BE HACKING US
I SEENT IT ON TEE-VEE